TMIThursday: “Uhh I Just Need to Use the Potty…”
Jun 3, 2009 I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Sex, TMI Thursday's
Hello my gluttons for TMI Punishment!
You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit.
If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs… Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday….
So… One time at bandcamp … *giggle* Not really. I never went to bandcamp.
Really though, back when I was in the military, if you were a female it went like this: You were either one of the guys … or you were fucked by one of the guys.
Or, in this case… allllllllllllll of the guys.
When we played we played hard. Just like in every military town, there were the trashy whores that were too often referred to as ‘military wives’ (Heather don’t get mad you know the herd I am referring to) who really arent wives but more just the broads who loved the anticipation of their ‘men’ returning home from deployment. Just like the men, they fucked pretty much every cock and balls in sight while we were out.
I know this because 1) I am smart and 2) I have seen some pretty whore-ific pictures of it.
Anyway, the boys who didnt have heffa’s on the pier waiting would all get together and flock to that one cheap ass nasty motel that is located a cum-shot away from any Navy base. Some females (me) would go and rip it up wit h them as friends. I can honestly say that out of the group of 15-25, I had sex with maybe 2 of them. Maybe. But I am going to stand firm to one. It is one of those pride things for me where because I was the minority and because it was assumed that because I was a female that I was automatically assumed that I was a just-add-water-slut, that I refused to let them win. (So I moved up the Chain of Command and fucked the Officers. *wink*)
Other females were invited strictly because they actually had become just-add-water-sluts. There was this one slut who was just … wow … I don’t even know how to describe her. She came to every party with her mini sweater and painted on jeans. Her laugh was annoying, her make-up too thick for how cute she was… but we tolerated her because we knew that we would get a show.
I never really expected the show that I got that one night at that one party.
So after a 45 day training deployment, we were all amped to get fucked up. Payday hit the day before we pulled into port, so we already had planned on 1) how many bottles and 2) how many rooms we were going to get and what the $$ breakdown would be each. We got super lucky and scored the adjoining rooms.
Fast forward to hours later. We were all smashed. I had to pee.
The line to the bathroom in 1 of the rooms was like 4 people long due to another dumb slut being drank under the table and throwing it all back up… so I jet over to the other room that was originally dubbed as the hook up room because it was set up like a one bedroom apartment. Problem was, the bathroom was inside the bedroom. So I open the adjoining door to the room and there were a good 5-6 guys standing in a line outside of the bedroom door.
Me: “Are you kidding me?! This bathroom too?”
Strange guy: “Not the bathroom…”
Me: “Uhh can I just go in there then? I wont look, I just really need to use the potty.”
Strange guy: “I dont give a fuck.”
Sweeeeeeeeet.
So I weave through the dudes and ignore the “I wouldn’t go in there” s because I had it set in my mind that I was about to pee. One way or another, the pee was coming out at this point.
So I open the door and as much as I said I wouldn’t look… I fucking looked. And I couldn’t believe what I saw.
There was that one slut, on the bed with cocks in all of her orafaces. She looked up at me, whore-ified… cock-in-mouth… unable to speak. I stood there for a second, also speechless… before I realized that in my moment of fucking shock, the pee had started to come out. I bolted for the bathroom so fucking fast.
Luckily for me, the pee casualty was minimal. Ask me if I peed with the door open so I wouldn’t miss anything. G’head. Like when the one guy told her to shut up and take it when she tried to protest since I had apparently “ruined the mood”. Uhm no bitch. You got busted.
It was live porn. LIVE.
Ask me if I kept my mouth shut. *snicker* Fuck no I didn’t. Not even for a minute. As soon as I walked back into the party I was yakkin it up. I am pretty sure that I told everyone.
*sigh* I loved the military. Never a dull moment. Not ever.
(Also, in talking about this with D… he is convinced that this experience has everything to do with my GB fantasy. I think he might be right. I never thought of it before. Weird.)
Happy Thursday!!!!!!
(As always but no one ever does… feel free to share TMI’s of your own either in actual comments or links to your own blogs)
Tags: Deployment, hotel, just add water, military wife, navy
TMI Thursday: A Literal ROFL.
Apr 9, 2009 DUH, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, TMI Thursday's, Wicked Wisdoms
I should have a weekly blog that tells Military War Stories. Military Monday…. Hmmmm….
While I ponder that possibility, I will honor my commitment to TMI Thursday by posting one of my most favorite stories of all time.
Long ago… Like, 11 years ago… (God I am old) I was a ‘booter’ in the USN. For my very first deployment, we traveled down the coast to San Diego from Bremerton. If any of you are military brats or ex-military yourself… you already know that San Diego also means Tijuana, Mexico. At that time, the rule was that if you were too young to walk into a bar in San Diego, you were too young to go to TJ.
Did the Border Patrol check our ID’s? Uhhh… No. *wink*
So as soon as we heard Liberty Call, we were on the bus to TJ. What the Captain didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. Right!?
Little did we young’ns know, it was Ladies Night at all of the bars in TJ. So when us ladies ordered Long Island Iced Teas… they were automatically poured as doubles. I did not know this. I had 8. I remember the number because my partner in crime at the time kept counting out loud whenever I was passed another.
“OMG! Courtni! THAT IS YOUR 8th DRINK! EIGHT!”
“Bitch I know how many motherf*cking drinks I have had. Shit. Are you my momma!? I miss my mom.”
Not only were we involved in the double pounder LIIT’s, we also did the “Tequila-From-The-Bottle-Straight-Down-The-Throat-Limbo” These guys who worked there walked around offering these “straight shots” for $5 all night.
I didn’t participate in ANY of these shots. I promise!!!!! <— lying.
Anyway, there came a point in the night after dancing my cute little 19 year old ass off in a miniskirt where it was melt-down time.
*GASP*
I know, right!?
I am going to break this down exactly the way I remember it going down. Wannahearithearitgoes.
Queue the imagination to me, dialing my MOM from MEXICO at 2AM on a Thursday.
Mom: “Hello?” (groggy as fuck)
Me: “OhmomIloveyousomucchhhhhhh”
Mom: “Courtni!? Are you ok?”
Me: “MommmmIamwastedinMexicoomgIwannacomehomeeeeeeeeee”
Mom: “Are you actually calling me wasted at 3am on a Thursday right now?!”
Me: “Is that not okay?” (All of a sudden I felt and probably sounded sober)
Mom: “Go to bed.”
Me: “Okay.”
Click.
Me: “Damn. That bitch hung up on me. Biiiiitch.”
My ass (literally) sat down on the sidewalk (in downtown TJ… GROSS) and cried. Shut up.
Somehow, my Partner-in-Crime persuaded me into a cab. I don’t remember this conversation, I just remember being in the cab.
Me: “Stop touching me.” (she was rubbing my back)
PIC: “Sorry. I was just trying to make you feel better.”
Me: “It makes me want to puke.”
PIC: “My bad.”
1 minute later
Me: “STOP!”
PIC: “What!? I am not even touching you!”
Me: “Noooooo! Stop the cab! I am gonna …”
I opened the door to the cab, laid my head out the door and puked. The cab never stopped. And, all of the people who I was stationed with were walking back to the border… clowning on my situation. I am pretty sure they got a couple of “fuck you’s” in between pukes… but I don’t know. Mostly there was a shit ton of laughter in my general direction.
Normally, the story would be over here. It is not.
We get to where the ship was docked. Being that I was on a huge Aircraft Carrier, there was this long, steep stairwell from land to the Hangar Deck. The mission was to get my drunk, barely able to stand up ass up the stairs and past the Officer on Duty. All I needed to do was hold my ID and say “Permission to come aboard”
Sounds easy, right?!
Queue your imagination to a person on either side of me, holding me up. Then think about me, ID in hand, practicing “Permission to come aboard” all the way up the stairs.
“Puhmishon tah comaboard. No.”
“Missiontocomeaboardd. No.”
“PERmission to come aboard”
“PerMISSION to come ABOARD.”
“Permission TO come aboard”
So I get up there, stand in front of the Officer on Duty, and hold my ID up like I did every single day. He is looking at me. My friends are subtly trying to remind me why in the fuck I was standing there. Because I straight up forgot.
What did I do? I fell the fuck out. Laughing. Like, literally rolling around on the Hangar Deck laughing my drunk ass off. Do I need to remind you that I was also wearing a mini skirt? I showed my vag to a good percentage of men on this boat. (I haven’t worn panties for years.) I remember for several months after… I would get whispers. And I would think to myself… “Those guys saw my crochandmore!”
I do not remember any of this. It has all been retold to me by who? The Officer of the Day. Turns out, he was my BOSS. Riiiiight. So, when I tried to waltz in to work the next morning, hungover, smelling like a mixture of vomit and a walking Long Island Iced Tea as if nothing ever happened… I had another thing coming.
Boss: “Good Morning Seaman Kenyon. (shutthefuckupialreadyknowseamanisfunny) You have fun on liberty last night?”
Me: “Yes sir, but I think I got food poisoning.”
Boss: “Is that why you have vomit on the side of your face right now?”
(I literally woke up and threw on my uniform. No shower. No nothing.)
Me: “Uhhh….” (F*CK)
Boss: “Go clean yourself up and get to work. You owe me one. Remember that.”
Can I get a “FML”?!?!
Did this spark any TMI stories for you?
How about FML situations?
Happy TMI Thursday!!!
Tags: boss, Bremerton, Deployment, drunk dial, FML, Long Island Iced Tea, Mexico, Military, party, permission to come aboard, San Diego, Taxi, Tequila, Tijuana, TMI Thursday, USN
