Living Wicked

Love the One Your With, Etc.

Nov 5, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friendship, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Relationships, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love

I met up with a client today to finalize some paperwork. She told me that she would rather meet me in person than do business over the phone.

Word.

I am really pretty and well dressed so I was totally fine with that suggestion. Since Tarable and I carpool, she rolled her pretty ass along with.

This woman I met was the cutest old lady ever. E V E R. Walking into her house was like walking into my own grandmothers house. She reminded me of my grandmother. From hair to nails to laugh to her house full of trinkets. Tarable broke down in tears because it was a reminder of her grandmother … which curbed my emotions about my grandmother because I obviously went into mommy-mode. My grandmother passing was more of a relief than anything. I have talked about her before, and most of you know that she and I were quite close. But when you watch a martyr deteriorate slowly in front of you … it is a relief to see them pass and finally be with the man that they were waiting to meet in heaven.

That client, as well as another one that I talked with this week have both recently lost their spouses. It put me into that reflective mode where I attempt to picture my life without D. I know. It is not healthy to dwell on those thoughts, nor is it fucking close to what I should be doing to live positively.

Regardless. When a person talks about the loss of the person who they spent a great deal of their life with, it makes you really think about your person. The one who (insert Al Green) … no matter good or bad … happy or sad … you have chosen to spend a great deal of your life with. D is my person. And, past the bullshit … and the annoyances … I genuinely enjoy my life with him. He is my other half. The one who completes me.

Corny or not, I cannot imagine my life without him in it. In fact … cannot isn’t the correct word. WILL NOT is a better use of my vocabulary. I will not imagine him not here. Because if I do, I feel like a part of my heart is gone and I don’t like that kind of speculation.

I get that it is bound to happen eventually. I would rather us go together. Like a bittersweet symphony or something. Where we have our good-bye’s and make love one last time and we tell each other everything we never said but wanted to. That moment. Where we finish all of the unfinished business with each other and then hold hands while we make our final destination to heaven. Together.

No? Fuck you. Let me have my moment.

Tarable made such a wonderful statement tonight, as we left my client’s house and I had expressed my moment of reflection, imagining how I would live without D in my life.

She said: “You have 2 choices. Either move on and live life without him or go with him.”

As much as I wanted to punch her in her “I am right” fucking face right then … she was right. I am not going to not live life because his time to go was well before mine … and I am not going to die from a broken heart. I am going to die kicking and screaming and swinging at what death looks like to me in that moment.

All in all, this is a winded blog about how death makes me uncomfortable. Experiencing it first hand or through someone else’s experiences … it makes me uncomfortable. And sad. And reflective. And it makes me really appreciate all that is my person. Or my people. Kids, besties, hubbies alike. I appreciate their laughs. Their smiley faces. I even appreciate their flaws.

In regard to my life partner though. My spouse. My hubby … I appreciate that so much more than anyone else because when the house is quiet … and it is just he and I and the 4 walls … I know that every moment is an important one.

Even if that moment is when he assumes that I want to have a conversation with him while he is mid-dump.
Because THAT is how I roll. (I dont. Ever.)

Wicked Thought for the Day: Cherish and appreciate your people because one day they won’t be people anymore. They will consist of photographs and memories.

Also, I would like to just mention that it is not at all appropriate or fucking funny to twirl a person’s panties around like a flag in the office if you are trying to have a discreet intimate relationship. Apologize. Immediately.

K?

Have you ever keyed anyone’s car before?
Have you ever been nude in public?
What is something that makes you cringe?

Tags: death, marriage, old lady, retired, widow

Business as Usual.

Aug 9, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Friendship, Parenting, Random, Relationships, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

It is one thing for someone to tell you that they saw a grown man break down on one knee and actually seeing it for yourself.

Saturday was the memorial service for my new friend. Tarable and I went and paid our respects. The magnitude of the love that Steve had surrounding him was intense. The service was standing room only. When the mic opened for anyone to pay their respects or share a story about him, the number of people who truly loved him was amazing.

I had a moment at the service where I felt my chest tighten and seeing his handsome face up on the projector hit home for me. It wasn’t until his best friend spoke about him … and broke down … that I lost my composure. It didnt help seeing his beautiful daughter’s heart on her sleeve … and hearing her mother … so broken … so lost … it was hard to see such raw emotion.

A great service ended with a celebration afterward at the bar he DJ’d at.

I met people who were so close to him that I hadn’t met prior to … but most likely would have met anyway. It is funny how when you really connect with someone, even after just meeting them hours before can make you feel like old friends. I hope to see them again, on more positive circumstances next time.

I thought that I had maintained my sob-fest really well. I am a mess of emotion lately anyfuckingway … so I try to avoid as many snot-fests as hormonally possible. In public anyway.

And then I went home to my happy, unknowing-of-my-day family. A “mommy” screaming bum-rush from my kids and dinner. A kiss and a smile from my D. It was business as usual. So … I embraced my “mommyyouweregonealldaywemissedyou” greetings with a super mommy-gangster forced smile, changed into my comfy clothes … and was absorbed by my couch.

And then, I lost it. Like, uncontrollable … tears streaming down my face … snot rags … tryingtohideitsomykidswouldntseeandmakeitworsebyhuggingmebuttheydidanywayand … madeitworse … lost it.

Partially because my new friend that I barely knew but wished I knew was gone. Partially because all week I have been Tarable’s rock. Mostly though, I saw that 7 year old beautiful baby girl up there, trying to be so strong … and her momma … so lost and so heartbroken … nevermind whatever it was that they had … or didn’t have.

Her emotions were real.

So coming home to business as usual struck a cord. Whatever her business as usual was, was taken from her in a motherfucking instant. Mine could be taken from me just as easy. And, (not that I am going to sit here and dwell on that forever or anything,) in that moment of my perfectly imperfect normalcy … in the hugs and loves … I could very well have been standing up there with my babies … Xavier trying to be the strong one … lost … and broken.

So maybe my tears were because I am so thankful that as of today … I still get to appreciate my business as usual. Maybe they were tears of relief and gratefulness. Maybe … they were because, just as Steve lived as if he were invincible … or “Superman” as it was quoted at his service … D does too. And I think that I reminded myself that I need to remind him of how quickly we can be taken, at the hands of someone less careful and responsible as we are.

For now though, I am going to learn the lesson that was put before me and thoroughly enjoy my family. I am going to always let those closest to me know that I love them. Even if we are at odds with one another.

Whatever yours is, make sure you are aware of what business as usual means to you. It would be tragic to realize that you lost it before you even knew it was there.

Have you learned any valuable lessons lately?
What did you do this weekend?
Share a funny story or something. I need to smile.

Tags: business as usual, death, Family, friends, funeral, Parenting

Starts with the Letter D.

Aug 2, 2009 All Things X, Family, Friendship, I Forgot to Tag, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love

I don’t talk a lot about it.

I honestly prefer to live inside this silly bubble where it doesn’t exist.

Unfortunately though, it does.

Up until I was about 19, I had never had a personal experience with losing someone close to me. In high school, our class lost a fellow student… and I heard through the grapevine of a couple of others as the years have passed… but I didn’t really have a personal connection to any of them… so it wasn’t the same feeling.

When my uncle passed, I had a hard time processing. My grieving process is to just numb up as if I did a dip in a pool of Novocaine. I wore my dress blues to his memorial service. He was a vet too. I thought he would be proud of me to see me in them.

And then my grandmother died. My mom’s mom. She died the day that X was born. I haven’t ever stopped to really grieve her loss. She was sick for so long that I think that it was well past her time. She needed relief from all of the oxygen treatments and medicines that she had to take for her to even had been with us for as long as she was. I really miss her though. I wish I could’ve had the opportunity to say good-bye to her.

When my Papa passed, it broke me. Like, down on one knee, grab my chest broken. I felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. He was my hero. I barely remember the service. I just remember thinking that I didn’t even get to talk to him like I had been meaning to. I just wanted to talk to him. It has been almost 6 years since he passed and it still aches to think about it. (or has it been almost 7? Jen help me out here.) Regardless, I miss him every single day.

As cold as it sounds, I was relieved when my Nana passed. She was so heartbroken and sick. We had no idea how bad her Alzheimer’s was until Papa died. When i was growing up, she had this glow around her. Her eyes sparkled when she smiled. Her laugh was infectious. The last time I saw her, she was dull. Her eyes were not familiar to me. All she wanted was to be with him. And I was so happy when she finally was given that opportunity.

This last year has been odd for me. My best friend has dealt with the loss of 3 people. Each of them were really really close to her. My hurt comes from seeing her broken. I didn’t know the first 2 who passed away. Saturday morning though, we both lost a friend. I met him through her probably a year ago, but just recently had we really hung out outside of the bar setting. He met my kids. They adored him. I immediately loved him. He was this big teddy bear with such a handsome smile, you kinda had no choice but to love him.

He was one of Tara’s best friends. Part of her extended family. He had a daughter. He was surrounded by so much love that it is hard to understand why he was taken away from it at such a young age. He was one of my newest friends. I really enjoyed the fact that he didn’t put up with Tara’s shit … but he did at the same time. This fact played into many fits of uncontrollable laughter.

Seeing Tara broken yesterday … and today … broke my heart. I will miss him too, but it isn’t the same. She is a hot mess of devastated and there isn’t a single word I can say to make her feel better. I don’t know what I am feeling. I don’t know how to feel.

Does length of time knowing someone matter in defining the way losing them affects you?

I don’t know the answer to that. What I do know is that I feel a empty place inside of me. I am not a fan of this feeling. Not even a little bit.

I know that I wish I knew him better. I will miss not having had the opportunity to do that. Or telling him that.

All I could think about yesterday was that I couldn’t imagine losing a best friend. I just kind of expect that they all are gonna just be here. That, I can pick up the phone and call each of them at any time of day and they will pick up and that will be that. Him dying, so unexpectedly and so tragically, reminded me of the fact that we are all not indestructible. No matter how awesome we are, how much love we have surrounding us, when it is our time … it is just that.

I shouldn’t play pretend anymore because it sucks when reality overlaps in my game of eternal life.

With that said, I just want to remind you all that you need to make amends. You need to look at the relationships you have and let them all know you love them. They may make you angry. They may disappoint. The choices that they make could be choices that you don’t agree with. But they are in your life for a reason. Make sure that you let them know that reason. Otherwise, you might not have the opportunity to do so.

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I’d walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.
~Author Unknown

Tags: death, dying, Family, Friendship, i love you, i miss you, memory

And The Award(s) Go To….

Jul 7, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, Family, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Random, Sex, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, Wicked Wisdoms, love

ME!

I have been presented with some awards. Awards for blogging. I have seen these little award avatars on other people’s blogs, but … you know … I never really knew what the hell they really meant, or if these so called “awards” were really handed out or created fictitiously by the blogger themselves. I am new to the blog-o-sphere outside of myspace. Sue me.

Apparently these things are real and now I haz 3.

Award #1: Queen of All Things Awe-Summ, given to me by Just A Girl.