Living Wicked

4 Minus 1

Dec 25, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, Family, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Parenting, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! (Who you callin’ a HO!?)

As you all know, I am not all “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOITSCHRISTMASSSSSSSSSS!” this year. But, with the me being told about myself and all … I have done my part to fake it until I make it. Annnnnnnnnnd I made it to the finish line. Yay me! Today is the big day that everyone and their dysfunctional mother is talking about.

Christmas. No wait … still faking it … Christmas! (Better?!)

My crooked tree is shining with pretty lights and ornaments. There are presents under it all wrapped and shit. Family and friends (even some unexpected ones) are making my family of 4 minus 1 feel super duper special today. It feels really good to know that there are folks in your corner that genuinely give a shit. Genuine shit givers are few and far between as of late. It seems that when you are beyond struggling … all of those with the best fucking mouthpieces talking about how they will have your back if you ever need anything ever … are the ones that are the most full of shit … and they disappear without a trace …

You know what? FUCK those guys. If you are one of them who told me you would be there for my family and I haven’t heard shit from you … not even just to check in and see how things are going?! Don’t call me. Ever. Delete me from your life if I haven’t already deleted your selfish asses.

(I feel better.)

This holiday season has taught me a few really key things about life. Some things I already knew but needed a refresher on … either way the lesson was re-etched in my brain.

1) True friends don’t need to tell you that they will be there for you. They just are.
2) God only gives you what he knows you can handle. He never sets out to break you. You break yourself.
3) A true testament of strength is when you start at the bottom of the barrel and the next thing you know you find yourself standing on the outside of it, staring down into where you once were … wondering how in the fuck you just got out.
4) No one likes a braggart. There is a time and a place for being a big mouth. True adults know when to keep their fucking mouths shut.
5) Unconditional is unconditional. Either you love someone for all that they are or you don’t. The lesson is that in order to truly love a person, you absolutely have to accept everything about them that you cannot change. Or, stay true to a shallow, loveless relationship where you are constantly trying to mold them into something they can or never will be able to be.

Ya digg?

I miss my D today. As I sit here in a silent house, I am reminded of all of the little traditions he and I have made over the last 9 Christmases that we have spent together. Maybe that is why Idontwantit this year. Because there is a piece of the puzzle missing. We always wrap the Santa presents with different paper than all of the others after the kids crash out. There is a note from Santa, thanking them for the cookies. D eats the cookies because he is a muncher … and that is his favorite part. He always rocks a Santa Hat. All day.

Sometimes I made him keep it on … for … you know. Heh. Okay all of the time but whatever.

D makes me listen to fucking Christmas music.

He cooks. All day. And then he sleeps. Ha!

The reality is that he isn’t here and so my plan is to not sleep through the day like I really want to but was (again) told about myself that it is not okay to do that on Christmas! so I will instead do as best as I can to make sure that as many of these little traditions as possible are felt by my kids. If that means that I have a private moment where I completely freak out … then so be it. The most important part is that my kids will smile and laugh and hopefully … even for just a moment … forget that we as a family of 4 minus 1 are going through one of the hardest times in all of our lives.

If I can pull that off … than I really AM Wonder Woman.

Cheers to the Holiday’s … and if I haven’t mentioned it before … thank you all so much for any and all support that you have given over this time in my life. All of it has gotten me through … and kept me smiling. Know that.

Merry Christmas.

Tags: christmas, Family, Parenting, spirit, wonder woman

Honest Tuesday’s: I am a Softie.

Dec 15, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, DUH, Family, Honest Tuesday's, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Parenting, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms

Hello and welcome to Honest Tuesdays!

It has been brought to my attention (by me) that I have become soft in my old age.

I know. Shocking, isn’t it?

Remember how yesterday we talked about decisions? Well I had made a decision originally to deny Xavier of any and all things Christmas. No tree. Not a single decoration in my house. I hoped that Charli wouldnt know the difference … but I was totally wrong because this 2 year old is all about some Christmas and presents and Santa. As much as it hurt to the core to be the bad guy, I have reluctantly stuck to my guns, leaving me in a place where I am questioning my decision.

Am I being a bad mommy?!
Is he gonna hate me forever?!
Is this even going to get the point across?!
Am I the Grinch?! Officially?

I don’t want to be The Grinch! I love the holiday season. The lights, the feeling of giving love to another person. … all of it.

Not only that but I have had input from peanut galleries all across the world. One who’s opinion I value more than she knows.

Over a great deal of alcohol, she reminded me about what all of this was really about. Love. Sharing with the people who we love the most … tokens of our affection over the holidays. Yes, I will admit that she told me about myself. I had to pull myself out of my own stubbornness to see it, but she was right.

So…. this weekend, we are gonna get a tree. And we are gonna decorate it. Just the 3 of us. And, I am gonna put some presents under there. It wont be this big ordeal like it always has been, but we will keep the Christmas Eve pajama tradition … and … Xavier will have a couple of things from me under the tree this year.

Because this season is about love. And, as mad as I am at him … I love him more than I think he realizes.

As easy is it for me to say “fuggetabout” it about the holidays, I am doing my kids a disservice for being that way. I am not that mom. And, let’s face it. I am being fucking pouty and bitter and selfish and I need to knock it the fuck off.

So there. I was honest. 100%. Now it is your turn. What have you been less than honest about lately?

Also, do you have any Christmas traditions with your families?

Tags: christmas, christmas tree, honest tuesday, Parenting, presents, santa

Dear Xavier and Friday Eye Candy

Dec 4, 2009 All Things X, Current Events, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, You've Got Wicked Mail

Happy Motherfucking Friday. You know the drill, so come and purge your weeks so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends.

Xavier, Xavier, Xavier,

You have outdone yourself. Really outdone yourself.

We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago about how ungrateful you are and that you may very well not have a Christmas. Do you remember this conversation?

Apparently not.

I was talked into letting you have one … even though I did not believe that you deserved one … by your Meemaw and other people who love you and had your back. I fought with my own reasons and decided that their reasons were valid enough to not be stubborn.

You were right there and you didn’t even know it. And then you pull this shit.

I cannot motherfucking believe that you brought a porn magazine to school with you. (Even though you say that it wasn’t you who brought it) Furthermore, I cannot believe that you gave it to one of your friends who brought it home with them and showed their parents. (Even though you insist that he likes to blame you for everything and that he is lying about this incident)

What is even more infuriating are the facts that 1) the same named magazine that the principal said you gave this kid is the same named magazine that you “found under the washing machine while looking for a sock”. Coincidence? I think not. and 2) that I have to go into the GOD DAMN school at 8:30 in the morning and have a conversation about why my 9 year old child has access to these magazines in the fucking FIRST PLACE. (Thanks D. It is like I tell you to put this shit in a place that he cannot reach or find just to hear myself speak. Under the washer though?! Really?!)

But wait! There is more.

The 3 accusations of you making sexual gestures at girls in your school? (The 3 accusations that you claim are just to get you into trouble and you wouldn’t DARE behave that way)
Inappropriate name calling? (Oh wait that wasn’t you either … was it?)

I absolutely do not want to hear your claims of innocence. I don’t. In the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf … you are the boy who got eaten by the wolf because nobody believes you. I don’t believe you. I think you thought you were slick and wanted to show some shit off to your friends. I think, you took advantage of the little trust I had left for you and snooped in my and your dad’s shit. I also think that you think that you are slicker than you actually are.

Must I remind you that I am not the fucking one? I told you that your Christmas is done. I think that you think that I will not do it. Watch me. You get not a single present. From anyone. There will be no tree. There will be no nothing.

As much as it breaks my heart … It has to be this way. You don’t think I will do it, and I am telling you that I will.

Wanna know what else I am going to do? Whoop your motherfucking ass. I am talking knee in the back, arm pinned bare surprise ass whoopin.

Thank you for completely mortifying me. I am soooooooo excited to have a conversation with your principal about this porn magazine issue.

————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Shopping,

Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I will see you on Sunday.

————————————————————————————————————–
That is all I got.

And now, for the eye candy.

I have always loved me some Johnny Depp. He is not only an amazing actor, but he has this quirky sexiness about him. He also doesn’t give a motherfuck what people think.

And Ms. Adriana Lima … I am a dark hair light eyes lover. Especially on women. Her blue eyes completely mesmerize me.

Any Friday Eye Candy suggestions? You know I am always looking for what you wanna see.

Happy Weekend!

Answer the following questions:

According to your ex, you are?
Your favorite thing to drink on a hot summer day?
Are there things you can’t live without?

Tags: ass whoopin, christmas, Friday Eye Candy, Parenting, punishment

My Thoughtful 8 Year Old

Dec 24, 2008 Parenting, Relationships, Thoughts and Perceptions

Tonight X, Charli and I went to finish the last of our Christmas shopping while D took a nap. X got his allowance from the past couple of weeks and we talked on the way there about who he needed to buy for and how much he could spend on each. He and I picked cool gifts out for Charli, and we came up with a really creative idea for the grandparents.

My kid is super creative.

We decided that we would make a goodie basket (tupperware container) with homemade rainbow chip (his idea) cupcakes, chocolate chip cookies, and homemade roca. All made (or at least a huge contribution made) by X. Then we talked about getting inexpensive picture frames and him drawing them their own individual pictures to put inside.

A man playing a musical instrument for his G.P. (d’s dad) He is really into Jazz.
Forks and spoons for his Meemaw and Papa. (My parents.) They have antique wooden forks and spoons all over. Weird, I know.

He came up with both ideas himself. I just added in the detail.

If you werent aware, this little 8 year old has a natural talent for drawing.

So we found frames. $5 a piece.

He tells me that he needs to go and do something ’secret’. Being that we are in the middle of Fred Meyer the day before Christmas Eve, I was extremely pensive to let him wander. But, I take the plunge. I set his watch timer for 30 minutes and we agree to meet back in the same spot we were standing. We pinkie swear that he wont wander off and do other things (the toy section) that have nothing to do with what he was supposed to be doing (buying me a present).

I tried to focus on shopping. I really, really did. I was not successful. I was so worried about him getting snatched up by some molestor who prays Fred Meyer at Christmas time for parents who let their kids have a moment of freedom to do something thoughtful. So really I circled the shoe section where we agreed to meet. I swear I checked my phone for the time every 30 seconds. I was waiting for the intercom to call my name out because he got lost or freaked out.

Instead, my little man sauntered up with a goofy smile on his face. He had a bag behind his back.

“No peeking, Mom.” And a little giggle.
“Never. I wouldnt want to ruin my surprise.” I winked.

He is growing into such an amazing young man. This is the first holiday that he made all of the decisions. I gave him the money and let him use his own creativity to figure it out. Even if he bought me dryer sheets for Christmas, they would be the most awesome dryer sheets ever. Because whatever brought him to that decision was the important part. Not the gift, the thought behind it.

Really, that is what all gifts are supposed to be about. The thought.

What is the most thoughtful gift you have ever recieved? Given?
Do you remember that moment as a kid when you were given that independence?

Tags: christmas, dryer sheets, Fred Meyer, gift, its the thought that counts, money, shopping, thoughtful

Plunges and Toe-Dips

Dec 16, 2008 Relationships, Sex, Thoughts and Perceptions

This Christmas, D and I decided to do something together this year as our gift. Especially considering the fact that we rarely get that time together to spend just the 2 of us. Usually when we do get kidless time, we wild-out with Tarable. Not that my evil twin is not fun times or anything, we just both decided that it would be good to take the day and pamper ourselves.

I haven’t looked forward to something so much in a long, long time.

Even with my engine committing suicide.
Even with the economy being shatty shatty 2X4.

I would spend my last dollar to spend an entire day with D and only D.

With that said, I decided that I would give D a special gift to go along with our day. Remember how yesterday I mentioned that I was buying lingerie for the first time in 7 years? Yeah.The first time in s e v e n years.

Don’t ask.

But Wicked, how is it that you are so sex forward and open, yet you dont own a single piece of lingerie?!

Didnt I tell you not to ask?? I already know. This is not new information. I used to have a shit-ton of sexy fuckwear. Before Xavier was born. Before I hated my body.  (shutit)

It is difficult to feel sexy in clothes when you don’t feel sexy in your skin.

For the longest time, I would get dressed in a room with no mirrors. I was uninterested in extras and accessories. Especially in the bedroom. When you go and look at boudoir attire, most of it is either form-fitting or completely see-thru. So many sexy things on the mannequin, but not on my body.

Have you been there before?

So for the last 2 weeks I have battled with my insecurities. Do I take the plunge or do I stick with what is comfortable?

The new me takes that plunge. Well, I actually dipped my toes in first. Regardless, it was a step in the right direction. As insecure as I am still, I feel equally as confident and sexy. I bought something sexy and classy. Something that I would be the most comfortable in. And I paired it with hot thigh-highs and shoes.

Wanna see?

This is the sexy sleepshirt.
It is just short enough and the neck-line plunges just the right amount.
I did not get this color. I got black.

I will be wearing these stockings all night.
They are cute enough to pull off at dinner, but sexy enough to rock all alone.

These shoes are similar to the ones I have.
Heh. That is all that needs to be said about that.

Anyway, I am really excited to:

-Go to the spa for:
Heated Foot Soak and Beverage
50 Minute Relaxation Massage
Peppermint Scalp Massage/ Treatment
Swiss Shower & Infrared Sauna
White Tea & Ginger Sugar Body Scrub
White Tea Classic Pedicure
-Stay at a hotel
-Have an adult dinner with adult conversation.
-Maybe go see a movie
-Or have drinks and dance
-Or just go back to the room, make love and go to bed

Regardless… Make Love. and Sleep. Ohhhh yes… Sleep. And Make Love. And Sleep. Repeat.

Have you recently taken a plunge, or a toe-dip? What was the fear or insecurity you faced?
Have you not plunged, but at least pondered doing so? What about?
What is your favorite piece of lingerie that you own, or your lover owns?

Describe your idea of the perfect day with the one you love… money being of no object… reasonably… What would you do? Where would you go?

Tags: christmas, facing fear, fat, fear, insecurities, kids, lingerie, love making, marriage, massage, plunge, ponder, Sex, spa

Tired and Inspired.

Dec 4, 2008 Friendship, Random, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts and Perceptions

Have you ever experienced a moment in time that gave you the uplift that you so needed?

It is crazy how the universe works. I never once talked about this unexplainable need to connect. I am lying. I guess what I am meaning to say is that I never said the words: “I need my soul sisters to band together with me and change lives by unconditionally loving as many people as we possibly can.”

It is coming. I can feel the turbulence. Tonight it is buzzing gently across this country. Top to bottom, WE ARE. I am positive that if one of my sisters is laying in bed as I am typing this entry in my life… She is thinking and imagining and believing in what can be. What will be.

Are you confused yet? LMAO. That is okay. You will get it sooner than you think. I suggest you hop on board sooner than later. Be a part of it. Do not for a second deny the inevitable. Visit A Tribe Called Joy. Add us to your friends list. And sit back and watch the magic. The magic of a handful of amazing women with even more spectacular gifts band together to create something bigger than you or me or each other.

As this week rounds to an end, so does Fall Quarter. And, (fuckalready?) 2008. I am tired. I am conflicted. I am grateful and hopeful and wishful… and blessed. I am inspired. I am sitting with some guilt and shame. I need to go to an alanon meeting sooner than later. I need a hug from Tara. A big one. And my Tribe. Even the ones I have yet to share air with. I need Charli to give me a fucking break. I need Xavier to stop lying. I need to appreciate D more. I need to appreciate ME more.

You know what though? This place right here gives me an outlet to be me, and you all are so accepting of who I am. I am pretty sure that this blog or any blog that I ever could draft up could never say how happy I am to banter with all of you every single day.

Thank you.

What are you stewing on as the week and the year comes to a close?
If you picked me for a Secret Santa event, and the limit to spend was $50 what would you get me?
What is one thing on your Christmas list… (even if you dont think you will ever get it in this lifetime.)
Have you ever had passionate sex under the Christmas Tree?

This last question is one that I am really asking for advice on: If someone told you something that you morally could not keep a secret, would you tell the appropriate person without letting them know you did, or would you confront that person and tell them that you were unable to keep their trust?

Tags: A Tribe Called Joy, christmas, end of year, grateful, inspiration, santa, Sex, soul sisters

Scenario-en’

Nov 18, 2008 Random

You are on a first date. Not just with this person, but with any person. It is the first date you have been on in a long time. The 2 of you are vibin’ in a good way. It is a dutch date, so there are no faulty expectations on either end. At the end of the night, your super sexy date invites you in for ‘coffee and conversation’. Between you, me and the computer screen, you havent been laid in HELLA, and the pussy is begging you to let it out of its cage to play.

Do you accept?
Do you initiate more than the ‘c&c’?

A friend confides in you about her desire to fuck a mutual friends significant other. Your friend claims that the feeling is mutual and that they plan to meet up to complete the transaction.

What do you do? How do you react?

You meet an attractive man at the bar. He showers you with compliments, drinks and his attention. Tipsy, you invite him home with you to play. In the middle of the sexual hoop-lah, you notice the wedding ring on his finger.

Finish the scenario.

As you are shopping, you notice a teenager shoplifting. And they aren’t even good at it.

What do you do?

You find a wallet on the ground in the park. No one is within shouting distance. You open it to find 3 crispy hundreds inside.

Do you keep the money?

A fight breaks out at your local watering hole. You have witnessed the entire thing, including the drunk asshole that spouted the ‘N’ word, which is what caused him to get his ass pounded into a hospital bed in the fitst place. The police contact you for any information to lead them to the victims attacker.

What do you do?

In a drunken lapse of judgment, you tell a girl you have a crush on that you want to sleep with her. You havent ever had a bisexual experience before. The next day, she approaches you with a well thought out plan of execution, including toys and other party favors to liven up the girl on girl.

Do you go there with your friend?

A person you have only dated a few times asks you what you want for Christmas.

Do you endulge?
Do you feel obligated to ask them the same?
Do you then buy them a gift out of obligation, or just accept their gift with nothing for them in return?

Tags: choices, christmas, dating, Friendship, infidelity, morality, obligation, Sex, shoplifting

Random Tea

Nov 15, 2008 Parenting, Random

I get to go out with some ladies tonight. Yay for that.

Even more yay are the super cute jeans I bought at the consignment store that I am wearing tonight. It is nice to have cute going-out jeans.

Yay for a quiet, clean house. Charli is finally sleeping, X is reading and D is out at a BBQ with friends. He needed to geofhere. He was starting to drive me nuts as he became more and more stir crazy. Charli isnt helping either, due to her excessive fucking brattiness.

X doesnt know it yet, but he is busted. His friends mom called me and told me that he has been talking about sneaking this stupid GTA4 game over tonight for his friends slumber party. Sure enough, while X was outside, I checked his backpack and there it was, behind the Kung-Fu Panda movie. Sneaky little fucker. It is a huge no-no at his friends house. Shit, it is a huge no-no at my house too. He also has been telling his friend that D lets him play this offensive and inappropriate game when I am not home. D laughed so hard when I called him. If it wasnt this kids birthday party, X would be going no-motherfucking-where tonight. But this kid doesnt really know anyone here since they just moved here… so I would hate to do that to him.

After tomorrow, he is getting an ass whoopin. And his butt is grounded. I cannot believe the level of sneakyness he is portraying. I may take a picture of the stupid look on his face when I call his ass out.

I really wanna go see a movie with D. We havent been in so god damn long.

We decided to get eachother a gift to the spa for Christmas this year. We are gonna do that, have dinner, see a movie and stay overnight at a hotel. I cannot fucking wait. BrownSugarVanillaBodyScrub&HotStoneMassage&5TotalHoursOfRelaxation here we come.

Christmas is 6 weeks away. W T F. Out of nowhere.

I put my foot down and said we are hosting Thanksgiving here. We have enough space,and I simply do not want to drive an hour.

I am sipping Chardonney as we speak. MmMmMmM.

Should I wear a hat tonight?

I am hungry. I want a cheeseburger. And fries.

Have I mentioned that I need a soul fill up? All my soul sistahs say “HeeeyyyGirlHeeeyyy”!!!

I am jealous of Zoe’s ink.

My landlord is a douchebag.

My co-workers son came home and told his mom that this bully kept calling him a douchebag, so at recess, he said to him “I am a douchebag huh? How do you know what one is? Do you use them? Do you want me to get you a clean one for Christmas? How about some glitter body spray too??” That bully didnt have shit to say. HAH. MY co-worker said she wouldnt be mad if he got this little shit some Massengil for a gag gift either. Even if he got in trouble. I bet that little fucker knocked it the fuck off. I wouldnt be mad either. Serves that bully right.

I need to start primping. Going out beauty takes time. In segments. It is a whole process. I wish Tara was here though, I like getting ready with her.

You go. Pour yourself some Random Tea.

Tags: bully, christmas, douche bag, gift, girls night, going out, GTA, quiet, sneaky, thanksgiving, wine

t.h.o.u.g.h.t.s

Nov 14, 2008 Random, Thoughts and Perceptions

Do you ever wonder what people are doing in the exact same moment as you?

Here I sit, avoiding 2 overflowing baskets of laundry, wondering what someone else is doing. Are they wondering what I am doing? Are they avoiding 2 similarly overflowing baskets of mismatched socks and mens’ boxer briefs?

Prolly not.

Other people are bustling out the door to the bar right now, 2-3 shots deep and ready to have mindless sex with some guy/girl named Kelly. They are nose deep in a really kick ass book, their ipod softly serenading the soundtrack. They are zoning out on Myspace bulletins and silly mobsters apps. Some other people are playing World Of Warcraft.

Not me.

I am thinking about Q. What is she doing? Is she feeling better? Does her tummy still hurt?

I am thinking about my mom.

I am thinking about how I can walk Squish through changing her alternator.

I am thinking about that same beautiful house I pass by on the way home from work that did not have Christmas Lights up the evening prior… but did have them up tonight. That house looks warm on the inside. It looks like pitterpatters go on there every morning at about 7am. It looks like it smells like pancakes and mimosas on Sunday mornings. I hear laughter inside that house. I wish that house was my house every single morning and even moreso every single evening.

I am thinking about how it is almost a year ago since I had a soul fill up.

I am thinking about past lovers.

I am thinking about my current lover, and whether or not he is really ok.

I am thinking about whether or not I am really ok.

The holidays make me feel reflective. I get internal; hibernat-y for lack of a better description. I am not yet accepting that Thanksgiving is only 2 friggen weeks away. I am trying to get all “WOO TURKEYDAY IS APON US!!!” But I dont feel excited. I dont feel not excited either. I just kinda feel like life is rushing past my face and I am standing in slow motion as it races by. Almost like I am standing in the middle of the freeway, and all of the cars are passing me at 70mph.

Dont get me wrong though. I am not sad or depressed… I am just here.
Do you ever feel like that?
Like your feet are stuck in newly laid cement on a sidewalk?

No matter how god damn hard you try to just run like Forrest fucking Gump… you cannot fucking move.

Since when did things seem to be more hassle than enjoyable?

The scrooge-ette in me wants to say fuck these over commercialized holidays. But with kids, it would be taking something from their childhood experience if I did. It would be selfish of me to do something like that. Maybe after Thanksgiving happens, I will feel more in this thing all of the commercials and advertisements call ‘holiday spirit’.

Sometimes I wish that I had it carefree. A life of mindless sex with Kelly and roller blades to skate alongside the speeding vehicles on the freeway of existence.

Are you feeling bluesy about the upcoming holidays? Do you even realize the closeness of this corner we are fast approaching?
What do you do to try and get excited or in ‘the spirit’? (Please share… I am asking for advice here)
What is on your mind today? Good, Bad, New… ???

You go.

Tags: blues, carefree, christmas, holiday, holiday spirit, thanksgiving, think