Business as Usual.
Aug 9, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Friendship, Parenting, Random, Relationships, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms
It is one thing for someone to tell you that they saw a grown man break down on one knee and actually seeing it for yourself.
Saturday was the memorial service for my new friend. Tarable and I went and paid our respects. The magnitude of the love that Steve had surrounding him was intense. The service was standing room only. When the mic opened for anyone to pay their respects or share a story about him, the number of people who truly loved him was amazing.
I had a moment at the service where I felt my chest tighten and seeing his handsome face up on the projector hit home for me. It wasn’t until his best friend spoke about him … and broke down … that I lost my composure. It didnt help seeing his beautiful daughter’s heart on her sleeve … and hearing her mother … so broken … so lost … it was hard to see such raw emotion.
A great service ended with a celebration afterward at the bar he DJ’d at.
I met people who were so close to him that I hadn’t met prior to … but most likely would have met anyway. It is funny how when you really connect with someone, even after just meeting them hours before can make you feel like old friends. I hope to see them again, on more positive circumstances next time.
I thought that I had maintained my sob-fest really well. I am a mess of emotion lately anyfuckingway … so I try to avoid as many snot-fests as hormonally possible. In public anyway.
And then I went home to my happy, unknowing-of-my-day family. A “mommy” screaming bum-rush from my kids and dinner. A kiss and a smile from my D. It was business as usual. So … I embraced my “mommyyouweregonealldaywemissedyou” greetings with a super mommy-gangster forced smile, changed into my comfy clothes … and was absorbed by my couch.
And then, I lost it. Like, uncontrollable … tears streaming down my face … snot rags … tryingtohideitsomykidswouldntseeandmakeitworsebyhuggingmebuttheydidanywayand … madeitworse … lost it.
Partially because my new friend that I barely knew but wished I knew was gone. Partially because all week I have been Tarable’s rock. Mostly though, I saw that 7 year old beautiful baby girl up there, trying to be so strong … and her momma … so lost and so heartbroken … nevermind whatever it was that they had … or didn’t have.
Her emotions were real.
So coming home to business as usual struck a cord. Whatever her business as usual was, was taken from her in a motherfucking instant. Mine could be taken from me just as easy. And, (not that I am going to sit here and dwell on that forever or anything,) in that moment of my perfectly imperfect normalcy … in the hugs and loves … I could very well have been standing up there with my babies … Xavier trying to be the strong one … lost … and broken.
So maybe my tears were because I am so thankful that as of today … I still get to appreciate my business as usual. Maybe they were tears of relief and gratefulness. Maybe … they were because, just as Steve lived as if he were invincible … or “Superman” as it was quoted at his service … D does too. And I think that I reminded myself that I need to remind him of how quickly we can be taken, at the hands of someone less careful and responsible as we are.
For now though, I am going to learn the lesson that was put before me and thoroughly enjoy my family. I am going to always let those closest to me know that I love them. Even if we are at odds with one another.
Whatever yours is, make sure you are aware of what business as usual means to you. It would be tragic to realize that you lost it before you even knew it was there.
Have you learned any valuable lessons lately?
What did you do this weekend?
Share a funny story or something. I need to smile.
Tags: business as usual, death, Family, friends, funeral, Parenting
