Post Holiday Open Letters.
Dec 27, 2009 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friday Eye Candy, You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch
Happy MondayafterChristmas!
I apologize for no Friday Eye Candy … or a venting place for the weekly purges … but it was in fact Christmas … and I figured it would be better to host your weekly venting place after the holidays and the after holiday sale madness.
Good decision?
Commence the open letters:
Tara is chomping at the bit to put some open letters out there into the privacy of her own internet space:
Dear Where Do You Want to Start,
I am fucking over it. I am tired of my busy ass life. I just want to relax with my hot boyfriends dick in my mouth. K!? (Yeah she went there)
I do not want to deal with anymore:
1) Holiday fucking drivers.
2) Excuse: It’s Christmas Time.
3) Ghey ass, unreliable, (don’t make sense) Holiday Hours
4) Even though I love and absolutely adore holiday parties, I am over them. I am sick of every single weekend being booked and having to stress about what to wear, did I already wear that to a holiday party where there were pictures … etc. Not only that, but I am fucking sick of impressing people and hanging out with people that I don’t like. And, I would rather have my hot boyfriends dick in my mouth. Also, get the holiday food out of my face. Because none of it is friendly to my ass size. K?! (cosigning on #4)
5) Done.
Love, Tarable
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Dear Muffin Top,
You hurt my feelings. You are not cute. You make me feel like all of the bitches I make fun of, and not be excited about fitting into my new size 11 jeans. I haven’t been a size 11 since I was born. Even if I bought a bigger size, it would be just as bad because you would move to my ass and make it look like I pooped my pants and that is not fair.
Get out of here you muffiny fuckin bitch.
Tarable
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Dear You,
I am over it. I am over it for my friend who is also over it. She wants to put it in her mouth but you are being a baby. So why don’t you take your crying tears and your kleenex box and cry about it via text.
Just saying.
Tarable.
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Dear Keanu Reeves,
Can I just fucking touch it? I have been waiting. WAITING. I have wanted to touch it since I was 7. Just let me touch it. Sorry hot boyfriend.
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Dear Tara,
Really? A snorer? Of allll the non sexy things you could ever do? Snore? Now you have to wear Breathe Right Strips for your hot boyfriend whos dick you want to put in your mouth to let you sleep over. Grow up its not that bad.
Tarable
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Dear Wine,
Thank you. (No seriously)
Love, Tarable
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Dear Family,
Thank you for not being crazy, psychotic, dysfunctional fuck faces this Christmas. It was proof that we can always get along.
Love Tara
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Dear Donovan,
Fuck you. (Oh!) I hate you right now. I am gonna write you a letter because I love you but I kinda hate you right now. When you come home you better walk in the door, smile and make it all better (Word) annnnnnnnnnnnnd you better not do this bullshit EVER AGAIN or I will personally do something violent and that will not make you smile to you. You are the one that made the analogy of 5 fingers and then cut your own finger the hell off. On both hands. (Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaayum) Dont ever do it again. K? Gah. We need you here and if you dont see that … I don’t know what to tell you.
I miss you.
Love Me
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And now for mine.
Dear Tarable,
You need to knock it off. You know what “it” is. You don’t always get your way when you want it. If you did, this one would be less interesting.
Don’t make me tell you again.
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Dear You,
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
And also.
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Oh. By the way.
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
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Dear Carbohydrates,
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. I would like to enjoy a slice or 9 of bread without gaining 23537y457754742w3 pounds while doing it.
I LIKE YOU BUT I CANT HAVE YOU AND IT ISNT FAIR AND IT HURTS MY FEELINGS.
BLahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhIwantsomechipsahoy.andacheeseburger.andsomepadthai.andsomemacaroniandcheese.andpizza.andstuffing.withgravy.andmashedpotatoes.andbreadandbutter.andpastaexceptforolivegarden.andredlobstercheddargarlicbiscuits.clamchowderinabreadbowl.chocolate.chipsandqueso.girlscoutcookies.alsosourpatchkids.andsoda.andstickyricewithpenutsauceonitandsomesrirachatoo.anythingfried.andagrilledcheesesandwichwithamericancheesepandaexpress.
The end. Love TarablyWicked
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Dear Vagina,
It is almost over. You have gone the long haul and I am sure the big black cardboard check at the finish line will pay the winner (you) really REALLY WELL. Not to mention, you are (not that you werent already) gonna be really tiny. Like as if you had vagina bypass surgery or something. Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenytinyvagina.
I am proud of your sticktoitiveness.
Wicked
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Dear Boyfriend, (From Girlfriend)
It has been several days since we have fucked. I would like for you to meet me in that one place you suggested the other day so you can bend me over and let me have it.
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Dear Xavier,
Knock it the fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are such a little argumentative fucker right now and I dont fucking get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUTUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love Tara and Mom!
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Dear Washington Strip Clubs,
Why can’t you show me a pretty vagine? Why are the bitches here skanky, disease infested messes? Can I just come on a Friday night and get an alcoholic beverage while staring at pretty vajay dance all in my business because you do not provide that here.
I am just sayin.
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Dear Hair,
Pick one.
Tarable
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Dear Readers,
Thanks for Reading. Good Night.
TarablyWicked
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And for some Eye Candy: Jamie Dornan
Tags: boyfriend, girlfriend, holiday, open letter, Sex
You Make Your Bed, You Have To *LIE* In It.
May 3, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Ranteriffic, Relationships, Wicked Wisdoms
**Disclaimer** This blog was originally intended to be a vent session… so my apologies if it rambles… but this is how I sort my thoughts when they become jumbled in my head.
Just saying.
I hate liars. Like LOATHE them.
I get that we all lie on some level or another. White lies, big lies … and even if we know that we shouldn’t tell them … we do.
For instance, I lie to bill collectors. All the damn time. I don’t deny it. I know it is wrong… but if I need to get my way … whatever that way is, I will say what it is that I need to say in order to do so. Call me a hypocrite if you like, but I don’t consider it a ‘lie lie’.
What I consider to be a lie is when it is told to someone who we care about and/or if it could potentially cause harm to another person. I believe in Karma and if the lie I tell has something to do with a person’ s well being that I care about, I am going to get a visit from Karma. I am pretty sure that she has already paid me a visit for the lies I have told in my past.
I used to be a liar. A big awful liar liar pants on fire. I am not proud of it, and as I have grown up into the person I am today, I have worked my ass off to be an honest person. I couldn’t really say when it hit me that I lied compulsively… and I couldn’t accurately tell you who I did and did not lie to… but I know that I haven’t intentionally told a lie in many many years.
The worst lie I ever told was when I worked at the Cheesecake Factory several years ago. I needed to leave early and my manager wouldn’t let me leave… so I faked a call from my mom and lied to my boss about my brother being in a bad car accident and being in a coma. My manager bought it, and it in turn bought me 3 days off … no question.
Funny addition, my brother actually applied there and I was forced to tell him that I lied on him. I guess now that I think about it, the look on his face when I told him and the fact that I had to play damage control really opened my eyes to what kind of harm I was projecting onto other people. For me to be so selfish, and to not even consider anything but my wanting to have my way makes me sick to my stomach to think about it now.
Funnier than that is when I told my parents. They look for every opportunity to throw my awfulness in my face. My repentance I guess.
I think I can honestly say that me saying my lie out loud in this situation made me ask myself “What the fuck were you thinking?” and really had me begin to change my Wicked, Evil ways.
I started thinking about my stance on the subject this weekend when I received a call from a friend. She told me that her ex boyfriend had lied about a pretty serious health related situation to his family. He even went as far as to put her name into who all was affected by it and then, when confronted by her about it… he lied about telling the lie! What kind of a coward does that!? If you are gonna project that kind of inappropriate negativity on to a person, you better have the god damn balls to own it. Why he picked that lie of all lies to tell we cannot figure out. But the more I thought about it, the why doesn’t even really matter. The fact that he had the capacity to allow the thought to turn into verbal diarrhea is what is most bothersome.
This led me to this list of things that are never acceptable topics to lie about. Ever.
1) a person being in any sort of tragic accident… followed by any sort of life threatening injury. (I am slapping my own hand here)
2) a friend or family member dying.
3) having any sort of life threatening disease/illness … and then telling others that another person has the same thing.
4) being someone that you are not. (i.e. taking an identity, fake names… etc)
It is absolutely sickening and disgusting to me that another person could tell a lie and include another person in it without having any regard for their feelings… but who am I to judge? As you can all see … I have done it. My having done it doesn’t change my feelings toward the lie that my friend has become victim to. He is a horrible, selfish excuse of a human being for saying what he said… and in my opinion, he can rot in hell for it.
That is all I have to say about that.
Have you ever been victim of a horrible lie?
What is the biggest lie you ever told?
Did I miss anything on the never lie about list?
Tags: boyfriend, car accident, cheesecake factory, coma, liar, Sex, victim
Small Sacrifices: Are they worth making?
Sep 18, 2008 Relationships, Sex, Thoughts and Perceptions
Being married, I tend to get a flood of girlfriends and/or acquaintances who seek advice or a person to vent to about their current flings. Most of the advice seekers are looking for confirmation more than actual what-to-do’s regarding the penis provider.
I dont think it is because of the fact that I have been married for 8 years. I mean, I am sure that it has something to do with it, but I think it is more along the lines of my non-sugar coating ways. I dont ever beat around the advice bush when someone asks me my opinion, because… why lie? Why pad the truth? Most people get the fact by now that they just plain dont ask if they are looking for a lie response.
I dont have a feeling filter.
As I am sure that many have asked about my relationship, I find myself constantly asking myself why women put up with the jackasses that they have chosen to spend their time with. Maybe that is why I never ask for advice regarding my own relationship unless I really am stumped. I am aware of the fact that I have made my bed. There is no need to ask anyone to crawl under my drama covers and spoon me.
The fact is, you already know where the relationship is going to go if you have to second guess any decision you have made in the past.
What chaps my ass time and time again, are those who go into a relationship and then try to fix shit. Or, they expect that their new partner will begin to evolve. The quirks that were funny in the twitterpated stage are no longer that humorous. It is no longer cute to make jokes about all things ‘your relationship’.
Boys don’t always get that. Their transition into relationship mode is ofter slower and more of a pain in the ass than anything anyone could ever imagine. Boys unintentionally play games and push buttons and test boundaries.
Why? I don’t fucking know. The only penis I provide is the one I strap on. Otherwise, it is all vagina all the time. I enjoy possessing the pussy in the relationship. Pussy is power. . . But that is an entirely different blog within itself.
Moving on. I have advice for you ladies that are unsure what your next move is in the relationship you are currently in or getting ready to dive into in the near future. It may sting a little… but get the fuck over it.
1: If he is already engaged in the following, do not expect him to EVER give them up for you:
-Porn.
-Football, or any major sport for that matter.
-Guy’s Night of ANY sort.
-His boys. Even the ones that you hate.
-His mother.
2: If he does not take anything seriously before you commit, the likelyhood of him doing it after is very slim… to not at all.
3. He will not turn into a spontaneous romantic. He either has it, or he doesnt. You cannot get mad at him for not having that romantic bone.
4. There is no teaching a man to love to give oral.
Every single one of you out there out on the diving board of love need to understand something very important: In order for a relationship to work, and to be healthy in all aspects… You absolutely must learn to accept things about your partner that you cannot change. Because there are things that just will always remain.
Once you accept this fact in your life, you will find yourself at peace with who you are and what you need in a partner.
If you made a list of things that you would never sacrifice or change for any relationship… what would they be?
What things could you not live with in a relationship?
Have you had to end a relationship because of things that you could not accept about another person? Did you regret your decision?
Have you ever been dumped because of things that you were not willing to sacrifice for a person? Did you regret your decision?
Tags: boyfriend, change, dating, decsisons, games, girlfriend, love, marriage, new relationship, romantic, sacrifice, spontaneous
