Wine-rable Mention.
Oct 5, 2009 DUH, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Random, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, Yum... or Lack There Of., bitch
I would like to mention that I have grown to enjoy a room temperature glass of red wine when I get home from work. I used to hate red wine. I have always been a die hard Boone’s fan.
I think that now that I have hit the ground running at 30, I should graduate from Boone’s to a proper Merlot or Cabernet. I am talking better than Franzia. Better than that Jug-O-Rossi that you could literally get hammered off of and then want to fight (because that is what Carlos Rossi Wiiiiiiiiine does to a bitch) a bitch by beating the life out of her face with the blunt end of that bottle.
(This has never happened to me or by me.)
(I may or may not have witnessed/drunkenly cheered at it before.)
Who noticed that I said a bitch a bitch back to back? 
I just like saying “A bitch”.
Like, “don’t make me get gangster on a bitch.”
Or, “Don’t let a bitch come at me crazy.”
Also, “I wish a bitch would.”
“A bitch” is a milder version of “This bitch.”
“This bitch better get off of my ass.”
“This bitch has a lot of nerve.”
My favorite: “I know this bitch did not.”
This = a specific bitch. Meaning, when I say “this bitch” in your general direction … you are most likely THAT bitch.
A = an unidentified amount with no general bitch intended in the statement. Meaning, any bitch will fit.
Bitch.
HAHA. But let a person call me a bitch. I will use the fuck out of the word bitch. But if you think you know me well enough and throw out the word bitch in my direction as a verb/adjective/noun about me? Psh. Pssssssssssh.
Cass, Q, Squish, Tricky and Just A: The joke won’t work if I call you out on it first.
Lastly, I may or may not be buzzed right now. Off of 2 buck chuck. Fine wine bitches. Fine mofo’in wine.
Carry on after answering some randomly awesome questions simply for my pleasure. Heh.
Have you ever had a crush on an animated character?
Have you ever won a prize in a contest?
(I was lying about drinking Boone’s. That never happened since I was 15.)
Pardon Me! Excuse Me!
Sep 7, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show, bitch
I am pretty sure that uttering one or both of the phrases in the title of this blog really does not require a great deal of effort on ANYONE’S part.
I wrote a blog awhile ago about etiquette. It was a blog specific to parenting and restaurant etiquette, but I am finding that more and more, people lack any kind of etiquette what so ever.
EyeEee:
Tarable, HN and I went thrifting today. Labor Day sales don’t stop at the mall you know, and bitches on a budget have needs too! I used to loathe thrifting. And, really I still do. I love searching for that awesome deal … and leaving the store with baaaaaaags of good shat and not spending my entire paycheck while doing so … but what I am not a fan of is inconsiderate people.
I am prepared for overcrowding. I am prepared to stand in line and possibly have to have a knock down drag out fight with a little old lady over a bag or necklace. I am prepared to park and walk. These are things that you just know before you even leave the house. Some people meditate to prepare.
I just gangster it the fuck out. It is how I roll.
With that said, there are other things that you must know prior to entering your neighborhood Goodwill or Value Village related to the above mentioned expected happenings:
1) It will be overcrowded. Period. Therefore, you need to pay the motherfuck attention. You also need to say “EXCUSE ME!” or “PARDON ME!” when passing with your cart, when behind a bitch with your cart or simply trying to get by. Do not shove past someone. Do not ram your cart into a bitches ankle. Do not think that your big ass over-filled cart is gonna get past mine without first making your presence known to the bitch in front of you. Conversation is not needed. We don’t need to be motherfucking friends after and sing kumbaya around a camp fire about it.
Just be polite. POLITE and CONSIDERATE.
2) Do not hover over sections with your cart. If you are looking for something specific, and I laid my pretty hands on it before you … I am more than willing to negotiate (read: let you buy it off of me for a really motherfucking inflated price) you walking away with it. But, I am going to politely say excuse me and move your cart over if you are trying to block an entire RACK of black slacks so that you are able to find the perfect pair. (ps you are not my size. Next time move 3 sizes up and be realistic. Your delusion is a waste of my time and the fitting room line’s as well.) Furthermore, I WILL fight you and win. So … pick your battles. See those mom-elastic-waste black slacks over there? Yeah. I am not taking those. Maybe you should just put the crisp black Express ones down in my cart and walk away so no one your ass doesn’t get hurt.
3) If you insist on waiting for that lady in the minivan with 5 kids to move out of that spot so that you dont have to walk your lazy ass an extra 25 feet, please avoid making it so that no one can pass you. It is rude to sit in the middle with your blinker on. Fool I know you see that there are 5 cars behind you that have NO PROBLEM PARKING AND WALKING.
4) If you think that you can park your cart in line and then bounce and expect that you can come back acting all nonchalant about it … and no one is gonna say shit … you are fucking nuts. It is rude. It is rude. It is rude. Especially when it is a non emergency situation. Like, so you can go grab more shit and put it in your cart. Rude. Furthermore, if you think it is appropriate for you to cop an attitude about it if someone (Tarable) DOES say something to you … you are nuts. Insane. There aren’t many reasons to beat a bitch up in front of people. THIS is one of the few reasons.
5) Get out of my personal space.
I get that we all have to be somewhat cramped during this mad dash for those crisp Express slacks at 95% off retail price. I SO get it. This does not mean that you need to be breathing your hot fish oil breath down my neck at the register. You are TOO close. If you can hear me say to Tarable that your ass is TOO CLOSE under my breath and have the audacity to fucking ASK ME IF I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU … fishoilbreath and all … you are too close. MOVE. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE.
With that said, if you are unable to mutter an “excuse me” or a “pardon me” … if you ram your cart into people’s ankles instead … then maybe you should stick to online shopping. Because it is people like you that make me want to rip my own arm off and beat the shit out of you with the bloody stump.
Just saying.
It has been a long weekend. Feel free to let a bitch or nine have it if you need to.
What is your favorite dessert?
Chocolate dipped or butterscotch dipped?
(Oh in case you were wondering: I spent $85 total and got 6ish things for Charli, 6ish things for me (including a brand new Anne Taylor crushed velvet jacket), 10-15 things for X and a lamp for my living room.)
Tags: bitch, deal, etiquette, goodwill, labor day, rude, sale, shopping, thrift store, value village
Bumped it Up & Viagra it Up
Apr 19, 2009 DUH, Family, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Relationships, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, Wicked Wisdoms, bitch, love
If there is any conversation going on in my house, I need to know what it is about.
I know. Shocking, isn’t it?!
Tonight, D and his douchebag friend were talking… in dumb code like I was not paying attention.
DF: “My dad comes home tomorrow so I am gonna raid his house for those.”
D: (in a creepy chimo voice) “Heh Heh Heh.”
Me: “What are those?!”
D: “Don’t worry about that.”
Me: “If you tell me to not worry about it one more time in my house I am going to kick you in your dick hole.”
D: “Extend pills.”
Me: “Extend pills? Like Viagra?”
D: (air humping) “Yeeeeeeeeeeah”
Me: “Gross!”
D: “Why is Viagra gross?”
Me: “Because it is like a 9 hour boner. We have kids. You don’t have time to have a 9 hour boner.”
D: “Right, because I would just wake up in the morning and pop a Viagra.”
Me: (raising my eyebrows) “Like you haven’t ever done anything odd like that before for no reason.”
D: “Shut up.”
Me: “Wow. That was a total sick burn.”
D: “Spooge Wrangler”
Me: “Really!?”
D: “Yep.”
Me: “That is how I know I am right.”
D: “Huh?”
Me: “When all you can do is resort to name calling.”
D: “Bitch.”
Case in point.
Heh.
Also, you know you have a best friend when you can yell and threaten to punch them in the face all in jest and not have to explain to their over sensitive ass that you were only kidding.
My partner in pretty, Tarable and I are blessed with that kind of BFF-ationship. We have been tossing around the idea of having our own video show. She is not interested in blogging like I am, but we have been talking about buying a video camera and just recording our situations. D would be our one-liner sidekick. I think we could end up a youtube sensation… because we laugh so god damn much at our own dorkiness… that I would be surprised if we were the only ones who thought it was funny.
I dunno. Could be a good time.
Anyway, Last night when we were laying in my bed, attempting to fall back to sleep after already being asleep but were woken up by Charli’s loud screaming ass, we got to giggling about only things that you giggle about when you are re-awake at 2AM.
Me: “you need to take that plastic off of your back” (referring to her new tattoo)
T: “I don’t want to. If I take it off I am going to have to wash my back”
Me: (grimacing) “Take that shit off you nasty hoe.”
T: (whining loudly) “WASH MY BAAAAAAAACK!”
So I washed her back, but not before kicking some shit, threatening to elbow her in the face, and cussing her out in a loud whiny manner that can only be heard to fully grasp. Or, ask D. He came busting into the bedroom right in the middle of our cat fight and turned right the fuck around and shut the door behind him… only able to mutter a “Wow.” at our behavior.
After the over-dramatic hoopla, Tara and I laid in bed in the dark and cracked the fuck up about this and that.
Me: “Rach watched Napoleon Dynamite for the first time a couple of weeks ago… and hated the shit out of it.”
T: “Really!? I fucking love that movie. Like how Napoleon’s brother Kip said “Napoleon, don’t be jealous that I’ve been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know I’m training to become a cage fighter.”
Me: (laughing out loud) “It is really one of those movies that you either love or you hate. Kind of like us.”
T: “True. I love that fucking movie.”
Me: “Me fucking too. Like when Napoleon is riding his bike, and Uncle Rico throws the steak at him and it (giggle) hits (snort) him (gigglesnort) inthefuckingface!?!! How is this not funny?!”
Insert a 10 minute uncontrollable giggle intermission. With tears.
Me: (wiping my face) “I told Rach to have G do the full dance scene at the end.”
More gigglesnorts.
So we lay there. Both trying to sleep, but not sleeping. Suddenly, she shoots up staring at something on the tv.
Me: “What kind of fucking shit is THAT!?”
T: “No shit, right!? It’s like, if I am getting down with a guy… do I want to have to pause and pull that fucking thing out of my head? Or, what if I forget, and wake up the next day with half of it hanging out?”
Me: “I just dont know how that is comfortable.”
T: “It looks like it could be a weapon.”
Me: “A weapon?”
T: “Yeah or like a reverse banana clip.”
Me: “I guess it could come in handy at a bar fight or something.”
T: “Right!?”
Me: “If I am gonna put some contraption like that in my head, it needs to be multipurpose.”
T: “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Me: “Multipurpose like a dildo or a condom holder.”
T: “Wow. Really!?”
Me: “You are just mad that you didnt think of it first.”
T: “Whatever.”
I often wonder what I would do without the 2 of them. They are comic relief, support, love and trust all wrapped up into 2 amazing human beings. When I need to be slapped in the face and told about myself, or a shoulder to cry on… they are there. I am grateful for them every single day.
Anyway, I thought I would share. I thought it was funny and I hope you do too. Everyone needs a good laugh on a Monday morning.
Do you have any funnies from your weekend?
Have you heard a joke or a funny story recently?
What is your favorite comedy right now?
What do you think about us doing the “Tarably Wicked Show”?
Would you buy and wear a Bump it Up!?
Happy Monday!
Tags: bitch, bonding, bump it up, chimo, friends, Friendship, love, marriage, Sex, viagra
There’s a Thin Line Between Self-Love/Hate
Apr 8, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friendship, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, bitch
I have a love/hate relationship with the woman I am becoming. I see myself growing and changing every single day… and no matter how hard I try to fight it… Lately, I seem to be making decisions with a great deal of thought behind them.
This is not the norm for me.
It used to be that when my hot buttons were pushed, I would snap and react based on how hard, and what specific button was pushed. I used to fight. If a bitch as much as looked at me sideways… words were spit like hot venom, and 7 times out of 10… That same bitch got her ass beat.
Right, wrong or indifferent… It was the way of my world.
So I have been battling with myself back and forth about whether or not I would write a blog about the disrespectful bitch from the wedding I attended this last weekend. It has been bothering me. I’m not gonna lie. The whole stupid situation as a whole has replayed over and over since it happened. What I should have said… how I should have responded. (I am so much more witty with a couple of replays under my belt.)
Anyway, I wrote an “I’m-angry-I-will-f*ck-you-up-on-sight” blog the next day. Complete with threats of curb stomps and elbow drops if I ever saw her on the street.
I didnt post it because as much as I would like for it to be… it just is not me.
Not anymore.
Dont get me wrong though, it isn’t like I have curled up under a pussy-rock and the fight inside of me has died out. If any one of my bitches (Rachael’s/Tara’s) loud mouths got them in the center of the bar fight … I will pull off earrings and jump in. In a mother-f*ucking heartbeat. Without hesitation.
So I deleted the blog. It didn’t have a productive outcome like it should have. It didn’t read like I had learned anything about myself. And I did. As much as it pissed me off, and as shaking livid as I was… I know what the lesson was.
Do you want to know? Of course you do.
The lesson is that no matter how hard your buttons get pushed… no matter how livid you get… kicking the living shit out of a bitch only leaves you winning for that moment. In the long run, the real win is the ability to smile, do the right thing… and let the button pusher look like the trashy f*ucking bitch in the situation.
What does a completely hypothetical and generally specific trashy f*ucking bitch look like if you were a fly on the wall?
Try having her completely ignorant to her surroundings (i.e. swanky bar) and then watch her scream profanities at another person, literally for no reason what-so-ever. Then watch the person she is yelling at try to diffuse the situation, in an ADULT-LIKE manor… only to have this trashy bitch stand up on the swanky bar’s furniture… as the person is walking out of the bar… with at least 15-20 people between them and say yell:
“Bye BITCH! Thats right! Get the fuck out of here, BITCH! You aint SHIT, BITCH” over and over. While blowing kisses like she was cute.
It literally took every ounce of strength that I had inside of me to walk out of the bar, and not come across the table so that my angry fist could meet her ugly shit-talking fucking face. To the point where my entire body was shaking, and when I got into the confines of my own home and into bed… I cried so fucking hard. Not because I was scared. Not because she hurt my feelings. Because she blatantly disrespected me. Publicly. In front of some of my friends and a shit ton of people who I had just met. And there wasn’t a damn thing that I could do about it.
Even though I can look back today and say that I am completely positive that I did the right thing by leaving, and not letting my actions be the bad memory stamped on those who were there to see… and of course for my good friend and his new wife… It was hands down one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do.
But I did it. I defeated a part of me that had a tendancy to rear its ugly head unexpectedly, leaving me looking like the trashy one. Not this time. I have taken the plunge into a place where that kind of behavior is unacceptable and not a part of who I am. And, after 4 days of thinking about it… I am really proud of myself.
Like, REALLY proud of myself.
Have you ever walked away and been the bigger person… even though it was not what you wanted to do???
Has someone ever disrespected you to a point where you had to make a decision on how to react? How did you react?
Have you taken any plunges in the right direction recently? Share them here.
Tags: bitch, blow kisses, disrespect, hate, love, mirror, self respect, trashy, wedding
The Bank of Payback
Mar 22, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms
When Xavier gets to the point to where he is talking on the phone… I am going to interrupt his conversations at every opportunity. For absolutely no reason what-so-ever.Especially when he is on an important call. To tell him things like how next year I am going to try to remember to cleanse my colon as often as possible. Just to be safe. I am gonna tap into the call and remind him that I need to make an appointment to get a Brazilian wax. Heh.
Payback’s a bitch. And so am I.
When Charli grows up, I am going to march around her room on the weekends at the ass crack of dawn, banging pots and pans around while I sing made-up songs about how I didn’t get to sleep in on the weekends when she was a baby just long enough to make her really really mad at me. Just long enough to where she cannot fall back asleep. Just long enough to leave the mark.
D and I were talking about the other things that we could do to get her cute little brown butt back. He was dancin’ around the kitchen while free-styling ‘betcha aint sleepin now’ lyrics.
I want to wake her ass up at 3 AM when she is like… 15 and make her do push-ups. Only 25, but push-ups nonetheless.
I think that it would be really funny to fall out in a tantrum in front of her friends. Or in public. Or anywhere other than the privacy of our own home that would simply mortify her… Just randomly spazz out in a scream-fest for no reason. Or, no reason to her… but a serious reason to me.
I would also like to keep embarrassing photos of her. Both of my kids actually. Blown up. Framed. And when they have friends over, replace the normal pictures on the walls with the ones of them in mortify poses with hilarious outfits or facial expressions.
Oooh. Or even, when she is at that age where she hates me soooooooooo much… and wants me to be as far away from her as humanly possible…. insist on sitting RIGHT next to her. Touching her arm, or my leg to her leg. Poking her eyes, and shoving my fingers in her mouth… preferrably in front of her friends.
Now I know what my mom was talking about when she said that I was gonna have one just like me. Only, this time… I am not going to forget the times that all I wanted to do was sleep a couple of extra hours, or just have a little bit of personal space. Just a little. I love my kids, but for fucks sake, I do not like to have them both sitting practically on top of me at every opportunity.
Payback’s a bitch. And so am I.
The Bank of Payback is collecting a shit ton of interest as we speak. I have a seperate account there for payback on actual adults that deserve a little bit of it too. But that is for an entirely different blog.
And, as I end this ha-ha funny blog, Charli sits at her door… knocking and yelling because her stubborn ass doesnt feel like it is her bedtime. The fun never stops in the Wicked household. It never stops.
Do you have an account at TBoPB?
Anything you would ‘like’ to withdraw from the bank and use on them?
Get some.
Tags: account, bank, bitch, drill seargent, mommy, Parenting, payback, payback's a bitch, tantrum, teenager, wish, withdrawl
Plunge into the Past
Jan 11, 2009 Friendship, Plunges, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms
I am such a stubborn cunt sometimes. Because of it, I tend to end up the only person affected by my cunti-ness.
Why, you ask? Heh. I think I might just tell you.
So last night was the 16th Gay Bingo birthday party.
Studio 54 Gay Bingo. All proceeds went to LifeLong AIDS Alliance. I have participated in the volunteer side of things for a couple of events, but never have actually attended one myself. I had a fucking blast. Rach and Lisa were my super hot beesh dates, and we drank double fisted ‘Disco Balls’ and dobbed our drunken hearts out. I never win at bingo. Never ever. I got really close a couple of times, but close is not the same as bingo. Blah. The prize packages were fucking KICK ass. Oh well. All in good fun, and for an amazing cause.
After the event, we decided to go out dancing. It was still early, and you can bet your ass I was taking full advantage of my impromptu mini-girls night. Rach warned me that there were going to be some people from our high school downtown there. I was apprehensive, but it has been so long… that I said “fuck it” and decided to take ‘the plunge’.
Ah, the plunge. It always comes back to taking these infamous plunges.
For those of you who do not know from previous blog conversations… I absolutely despised high school and everything that it stood for. I am not sure really why, (so don’t bother posing that question) … but I just did not really want to have anything to do with pretty much every single person in my class. So I made friends with peeps a few years older than me. Because of this hatred, I disappeared. Fell the fuck off. The handful of people who I actually liked I still talk to… as far as everyone else is concerned… peace the fuck out.
I did not attend my 10 year reunion. I am happy I did not go. My filter is even more non-existant now than ever. I am that bitch that will get beligerant and clown an orange broad from here to the tanning bed. It just isnt worth having that conversation with someone who I give less than a shit about run up to me at a gathering and act like we were best fucking friends. Um, because we weren’t. So dont bother pretending like you give a shit about who I am and what I have been doing for the last almost-11 years. You and I both know you do not care. This fact is why I wont be asking you the same question.
Anycunt, we roll to the bar. Sho’ nuff, I tripped and fell right into a group of girls who I went to HS with. Thankfully, none of these ladies were ones that I had any ill feelings toward. It was actually really nice to catch up with each of them. They all looked amazing, and had really cool and intelligent shit to say. I didnt really know one of the 3 very well back then, but talking with her,
Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: bingo, bitch, catty, gay bingo, high school, lifelong aids alliance, mean girls, reunion, snobby, wasted
