I’m No Punk, Bitch! (i.e. Off One.)
Oct 18, 2009 Friendship, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., bitch
Happy Monday! How was your weekend? Mine was pretty freaking awesome actually.
When I was younger … oh … say 10 years ago … if one would have asked me what the ideal Friday night was, I bet $100 that spending mine snuggled up with my beautiful family would not have ranked top 3 on my list. In fact, a decade ago I would have laughed in your face if you would have predicted that I would be married with 2 kids … I probably would have laughed in your face.
That is how my Friday was spent. Snuggled and warmed.
Saturday though? Not so snuggled. At least, not the evening anyway. For the first time in months, D, Tarable and I were able to get dolled and go hit the town together. I love going out with the 2 of them. There is never any drama, and we are all reaaaaally pretty when we get pretteh-fied.
So that is what we did. Pretty alcohol induced people. Shiny Happy People. With nice tits and a hot black man on our arm. D cleans up really nice I tell you.
We get to the bar and there weren’t many people there. I was kinda stoked because the first bar we went to was so packed that it was stupid. Within 20 minutes, there were so many people in this bar that I couldn’t breathe. It’s cool though. We had a blast. I met a cool cat while watching this dick-fuck bartender serve everyone BUT me who provided really great conversation.
The best 3 things that happened at the bar:
1) As I was leaning on a chair in conversation with the guy mentioned previously, (still waiting for my drink might I add) this dumb cunt slid into the chair that I had claimed as mine over an hour beforehand. Not only did she try to seat jack me, she also thought she was going to get a drink before me.
I would like to quickly mention the fact that this is a prime example of someone assuming that I am the one when in fact I am not.
What do I do?
Me: *taptaptap*on her shoulder “Um. Really?”
Her: “What?”
Me: “This is my seat.”
Her: “How do you figure?”
Me: “Well, consider the facts 1) you are sitting on my purse 2) I have been sitting on it off and on for over an hour and 3) I am leaning on it.
Her: “It didn’t look like you were gonna sit back down.”
Me: “Did you ask me?”
Her: “Ask you what?”
Me: “You said it didnt look like I was gonna sit back down but did you bother to ask me?”
Her: “No. I didnt.”
Me: “Wellllllll if you would have I would have told you that I was going to because it is my chair.”
Her: “Wow. Well how about I give you your chair back and sit in this empty one right next to you.”
Me: “That sounds like a GREAT idea actually. You should sit next to me. Because I am AWESOME.”
The look on her face was priceless. The looks on her friends faces were even better. What has happened to how bitches roll out in public? If that would have been me or one of my bitches who were getting blatantly punked like that in front of folks, I would not have stood for it. The bitches I roll with are prepared to pull nails off, earrings … drop to bare feet so that the stiletto heels are available to use as weapons if need be.
It is a prerequisite of how I roll. I don’t need some weak scaredy cat fucking bitch in my group. This goes directly along with me not being the one.
2) The fucking douchebag that thought it was acceptable to come up behind me and cup my vagina.
Yes you read that correctly. Some fucking drunk asshole came behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist and made his way down to my vagina to cup it. And then didn’t quite understand why 1) I was mad, 2) I shoved the fucking shit out of him after he tried to touch me again and 3) had him physically removed from the bar.
Do I look like the bitch that accepts a strange vagina cupper? With no introduction? With no conversation? What is this world coming to?
3) When I saved my friends ass from another mans ass.
After peeing and powdering my nose like a girly girl does, I come back to my seat where my friend and her husband were keeping them warm.
Him: “Do you see this guy behind me? He is trying to share a seat with me.”
Me: “You dont know this guy?”
Him: “Fuck NO!”
Me: “I got your back friend.”
So I smile at the assclown who obviously has no sense of personal space and shove my pretty ass between his and my friends.
Me: “Oooh. I am SO sorry.”
AssClown: “Are you fucking serious? I am not moving.”
Me: “Thats okay. I will just move you.”
AssClown: “That is doubtful.”
Me: “Ok.”
That is why I moved his ass out of the motherfucking way. He had to ask these 2 bitches to move their seats down so he would have room. *grin*
I WIN!
I won’t mention (or maybe I will) how Tara fell out of the bathroom stall while I was peeing or how I stood on the bar stool trying to get the bartenders attention because he was serving everyone around us but ignored our very existence. I also won’t mention (lies) how Tarable and I were wrestling like drunkards or bum fights and I flipped her ass over the top of me onto the floor and she got mad and pouted about it.
Good times. We were definitely off one all night. It was almost a make up for the fact that I was not invited with enough time to plan for the DC trip this weekend. I may or may not be bitterly butthurt about it still.
New York or California? Why?
Do you collect anything? What?
What was the worst rumor that was ever spread about you?
Would you rather publish your diary or make a movie on your most embarrassing moment?
Tags: bar, drunk, going out, pretty, tarably wicked
The Wrong Approach
Mar 30, 2009 Ranteriffic, Relationships, Sex, Wicked Wisdoms, bitch
Girl walks into a bar with her girlfriends.
Girl may or may not be into other girls.
Girl is obviously wearing a wedding ring.
Girl walks up to the bar to order a drink.
….
A couple is sitting to her left.
One of her girlfriends to her right.
Girl realizes that she is being stared at and talked about. By the couple.
Girl also realizes that the couple is new to the bring-a-girl-home scene.
The lady in the couple situation smiles at girl.
Girl averts eyes, and thinks “What the fuck is this broad staring at?”
And the bitch keeps staring. And talking.
….
Girl over hears the lady say “She is exactly who I would want to take home.”
Girl thinks, “Wait, what?”
Girl realizes that she is staring. Again.
What she doesn’t realize is that Girl is a pro multi-tasking ignorer.
Girl can appear to not notice or be paying attention with extreme expertise.
So, as Girl pretends to not notice her staring, and talking, the lady continues to talk shit.
“Who is she to ignore me smiling?”
“Am I completely invisible?”
“I don’t know how she couldn’t possibly see me smiling. Does she not have the ability to return my gesture?”
Girl gets her drink, glances down at the purse sitting on the bar stool next to the lady and says to her “That is a really cute purse.” and smiles at her.
Translation: I heard you, bitch. Don’t expect that simply because you put it out there that it will get returned to you. Furthermore, I heard you. It is unattractive to assume that everyone you are attracted to will reciprocate. Self-centered behavior is unattractive. Especially when it comes to the laws of attraction.
Confidence is sexy. I appreciate and possess an air of confidence in everything I do. But there is a fine line betweem confident and full of yourself.
I haven’t dated for many years, however certian aspects never die out. Leave your cheesy pick-up lines at the door. Leave the option of rejection open. Do not assume that every bitch in the place is watching you.
Especially in a bisexual encounter. Or a possible bisexual encounter.
If you are bisexual you know that the area is so grey when it comes to finding a person to explore and experience with, that it is so easy to misread signs and give off signals that could quite possibly offend someone.
I am no prude. However I do not like to be looked at as a piece of meat. By anyone. Male or Female. My sexuality is what it is, but there are standards in place. And expections. And a level of respect within myself that is extremely important to me.
Yep. I am Girl. And the above scenario happened to me this weekend.
I was less than amused. And not flattered. I am not new to being bisexual, and I will not be talked about as if I was on display at a ‘find your bisexual hook-up’ store.
Biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch.
Oh. Pee Ess. You were not nearly cute enough to act that way.
Have you ever been offended by the approach?
What would you have done if you were me?
Tags: bar, couple, dating, drink, hook-up, laws of attraction, offended, respect, threesome
