5 Days (or) I am Hungry (or) “You’re Next” (or) Randomosity
Jan 6, 2010 All Things X, DUH, Etc., Family, Masturbate-able, Parenting, Random, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, bitch
Hi. I was thinking of a topic for “Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s” but couldn’t think of a good one so instead I shall word vomit. (Hint: Give me some WHtW’s suggestions pleasenthx.)
I talked to D today after finally fucking having to gangster this non english speaking bitch on the other end of my phone. I fucking LOATHE customer service call centers. Especially the outsourcedtoanotherfuckingcountrytosavemoneyyetoursocietyisfuckingunemployedlikeamotherfucker ones.
Yep. I surely did go there.
Anyway, he and I had a conversation about how it was gonna go down. It = the very strategic process of him putting his penis in my vagina. It was quite the conversation. What I want to happen and what will actually happen are probably 2 completely different things. At least 5 days from now anyway. Truthfully, I just wanna marinate for like a fucking week with complete silence and penis in my vicinity but you and I both know that I have 2 mini terrorists in my house that are not interested in anything 1) silent and 2) what I want so we are gonna have to get in where we fit in. No pun intended.
I am hungry. I want some chocolate. Like an Oreo or some Ritter Sport. Actually, I just want anything in my mouth that shouldn’t be there. Including a cheeseburger and a taco salad and even an apple with peanut butter. Mmmmm. Since starting back on South Beach Phase 1, I forgot how fucking hard it is to stick to phase 1. Carbs are the motherfucking devil.
So today, Xavier was home from school for about an hour by himself. My sitter had to run an errand or so and was running a bit behind so I get this frantic call from him.
X: “Mom – uh – uh – the cat – uh – is – puking – and – you – didnt answer so – uh – I called the vet and then the neighbor and she wants to talk to you.”
Me: (fuuuuuuckreally?!) “Alright.”
Neighbor: “Hi, is everything okay? Does X have someone looking after him?”
Me: “Yes my sitter had an errand to run and there was some traffic so he is just home alone for about an hour. Thanks for checking up.”
Neighbor: “Okay … are you sure?”
Me: (FUCKIAMFINEBITCHGODGETOUTOFMYBUSINESS!!!!!!!!!) “Yep. We are all good!”
X: “I didnt know what to do. I am sorry!”
Me: “It is fine Xavier. Just get your chores done, okay?”
X: “Okay.”
15 minutes later, I check my phone because while on a pitch selling me some dang credits, I had 4 missed calls from my house. Tried calling. The phone is busy. So I check the VM I had.
Scratchy sound scratchy sound … “qssaggYOURENEXTwertwsgfs”
Click.
Insert me freaking the fuck out.
So I call back my house phone. Busy. I call my sitter.
Me: “Hi. Um. Did you make it back to my house?”
Her: “Yeah I am sitting in the living room… why?”
Me: “Is Xavier there?”
Her: “Yeaahhh…?”
Me: (realizing what happened.) “Put him on the phone.”
Her: “Okayyy…”
X: “Hello!”
Me: “Are you kidding me?”
X: “What?!”
Me: “You’re next!?!?!?!”
X: “Ohhh thaaat! You got my voicemail then.”
Me: “Yeah and I do not think that it is funny.”
X: “What? Why not?”
Me: “Um well lets start with the fact that you were home alone and I thought someone had snatched you up Xavier.”
X: “Ohhhhh … I didn’t think about thaaat.”
Me: “I could kill you for freaking me out like that!”
X: “Sorry.”
Are you fucking kidding me right now?! GAH. I will tell you that I am only mad as far as he is concerned right now until I get his little ass back, thanks to a kick ass recommendation. Yep. He is gonna be scared out of his mind.
*wickedcackle*
I cant reeeeeeeeeeally be mad though. I used to play hella pranks on my mom. As often as possible actually. Of course payback is a bitch. Offffffff course this is the “mothers curse”. I get it. It’s cool. We shall see who has the last laugh.
All I am saying is that in 5 days, I don’t want to hear word one about any of this shit for like … I dunno … 60 motherfucking days. The only thing I want to hear about is D’s face buried in my vagina until I can’t feel my own face due to an over abundance of O faces.
Ya diiiiiiiiiig?!
Tell me something funny. Something hilar has to have happened in your life over the past couple of weeks that I have missed.
Have you ever pulled any prank bullshit on your parents, or have you had any pulled on you?
Tags: ass whoopin, cunningulus, oreo, Parenting, prank, ritter sport
Dear Xavier and Friday Eye Candy
Dec 4, 2009 All Things X, Current Events, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, You've Got Wicked Mail
Happy Motherfucking Friday. You know the drill, so come and purge your weeks so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends.
Xavier, Xavier, Xavier,
You have outdone yourself. Really outdone yourself.
We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago about how ungrateful you are and that you may very well not have a Christmas. Do you remember this conversation?
Apparently not.
I was talked into letting you have one … even though I did not believe that you deserved one … by your Meemaw and other people who love you and had your back. I fought with my own reasons and decided that their reasons were valid enough to not be stubborn.
You were right there and you didn’t even know it. And then you pull this shit.
I cannot motherfucking believe that you brought a porn magazine to school with you. (Even though you say that it wasn’t you who brought it) Furthermore, I cannot believe that you gave it to one of your friends who brought it home with them and showed their parents. (Even though you insist that he likes to blame you for everything and that he is lying about this incident)
What is even more infuriating are the facts that 1) the same named magazine that the principal said you gave this kid is the same named magazine that you “found under the washing machine while looking for a sock”. Coincidence? I think not. and 2) that I have to go into the GOD DAMN school at 8:30 in the morning and have a conversation about why my 9 year old child has access to these magazines in the fucking FIRST PLACE. (Thanks D. It is like I tell you to put this shit in a place that he cannot reach or find just to hear myself speak. Under the washer though?! Really?!)
But wait! There is more.
The 3 accusations of you making sexual gestures at girls in your school? (The 3 accusations that you claim are just to get you into trouble and you wouldn’t DARE behave that way)
Inappropriate name calling? (Oh wait that wasn’t you either … was it?)
I absolutely do not want to hear your claims of innocence. I don’t. In the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf … you are the boy who got eaten by the wolf because nobody believes you. I don’t believe you. I think you thought you were slick and wanted to show some shit off to your friends. I think, you took advantage of the little trust I had left for you and snooped in my and your dad’s shit. I also think that you think that you are slicker than you actually are.
Must I remind you that I am not the fucking one? I told you that your Christmas is done. I think that you think that I will not do it. Watch me. You get not a single present. From anyone. There will be no tree. There will be no nothing.
As much as it breaks my heart … It has to be this way. You don’t think I will do it, and I am telling you that I will.
Wanna know what else I am going to do? Whoop your motherfucking ass. I am talking knee in the back, arm pinned bare surprise ass whoopin.
Thank you for completely mortifying me. I am soooooooo excited to have a conversation with your principal about this porn magazine issue.
————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Shopping,
Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I will see you on Sunday.
————————————————————————————————————–
That is all I got.
And now, for the eye candy.
I have always loved me some Johnny Depp. He is not only an amazing actor, but he has this quirky sexiness about him. He also doesn’t give a motherfuck what people think.
And Ms. Adriana Lima … I am a dark hair light eyes lover. Especially on women. Her blue eyes completely mesmerize me.
Any Friday Eye Candy suggestions? You know I am always looking for what you wanna see.
Happy Weekend!
Answer the following questions:
According to your ex, you are?
Your favorite thing to drink on a hot summer day?
Are there things you can’t live without?
Tags: ass whoopin, christmas, Friday Eye Candy, Parenting, punishment
The Best Part of Waking Up
Oct 21, 2009 All Things X, DUH, Family, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms
Lets just start off about how I am not a morning person.
Lets also mention that I became a morning person today when I was on the 9-year-old-ass-whooping-prowl bright and early at 7:30 am PST.
Oh I know you all want to know what happened. It is okay. I won’t tell anyone that the sadist in you is begging you to not feel sorry for Xavier right now and that is okay. I don’t feel sorry for him one iota.
This morning, as usual, I woke him up to get in the shower. Then, I crawled my cranky ass back into bed to make it look all normal and shit. He, of course, was unexpecting and bought it. He took his shower, and began to go about his 9 year old, getting ready for school business as usual.
Not today Xavier. Not the fuck today.
So I pop up and out, following him to his bedroom all smirky-face like.
X: (looking back at me) “What?”
Me: “What do you mean ‘what’?”
X: “Nothing.”
Me: “Oh not nothing my friend. Drop the towel.”
(God damnit I wish I had a picture of his face.)
X: “Why?!”
Me: “Really? You have to ask?”
X: (face crunching up into a omgsheisgonnawhoopmyasscryface) “Mom nooooooo!”
Me: “Xavier. Drop the towel.”
He drops the towel. I then proceed to bend his naked 9 year old self over his bed, police-elbow-in-the-back and whoop his bare ass off of his body. He wailed like no ones business, and then I went back to bed.
What a great start to my day. I gangstered the fuck out of the rest of this day. It truly was the best part of waking up … and I mean that from the bottom of my icy fucking heart.
Why are you looking at my blog with that face? Are you upset that I find sick pleasure from morning ass whoopins? If so, are you new? If you knew anything about me as a parent, this comes with a great deal of build up. Ass whoopin’s are earned. I don’t just whoop ass for the sake of doing so. I do it to make sure it means something. So yeah, you are God damned right there is pleasure there.
I am considering waking this little shit up with morning ass whoopins for the duration of his punishment.
Say I won’t.
Also, I have a TMIT (Shot out to Lilu) for you. It is not my TMIT (thank god) but I was forced to be a part of it today at lunchtime.
Wanna hear it? Hear it goes.
Today on the way to lunch, I had to stop on the 1st floor to pee. It literally hit me when we got on the elevator. So I walk into the bathroom and enter this conversation:
Random Girl: (IN THE FUCKING STALL) “Hi I would like to place an order for pick up.”
(Pause)
Random Girl: “I would like the super nacho’s please … mmmhm … chicken … uhh no … I do not want sour cream. … Mmmmhm extra cheese please ….”
And then, as if it doesn’t get any grosser, she pushed and some poop hit the water.
Random Girl: “Can I get the total?”
Me: (silently LMFAO) “FLUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
Oh yes the fuck I did flush the toilet while she was on the phone. I hope they heard the echo too.
Who in the motherfuck thinks about what food they want to eat while taking a shit? Really? Like … is it just not possible to make that call before or AFTER you poop? I just do not understand the phone talking while going to the bathroom as it is, but ordering food?! REALLY?
Ugh. Bitches are nasty. N A S T Y. I washed my hands rrreeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaalllly slow too so that she had no choice but to face my Wicked self.
The end.
What is your MOST forbidden fantasy?
Do you like to cuddle after sex?
Would you rather have sex with a regular sized guy and a small dick or a midget with a big one?
Tags: ass whoopin, bed, folgers, mommy, Parenting, punishment, sleep
