Recent Articles
Attitude Schmatitude
Feb 28, 2010 All Things Charli, Current Events, Family, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, bitch 23 Comments
Hellooooooo o o o Monday! Hello new month! Hello friends!
First and foremost, check out the new links on my side bar. There are new Buy Stuff links and a couple of new blog links. 
So there is a great deal going on in the world of Wicked. For the most part, all is great. I was finally able to get my contract scanned and sent over to XoXo Publishing. It took a minute to get the time together and my damn scanner working so I kinda started to panic like they might want to take it away because I freaking procrastinated. *phew*
So that is done. *squeeeee*
I don’t know what this means though. Like, what is the next step? What do published authors actually do?!
Anyway, I hit a huge goal at work this last month. I am still a tad in disbelief that I did it; you know, going back to the whole scared of success business I go through every day. I am getting better at believing each and every day.
What this has done for me is afewfold.
Every month I feel more invested in our team. It’s crazy but we are a bunch of vulgar and inappropriate nerds and we all (for the most part) click together. When we are on, we are hot. Anyway, as I wes saying … as I get more invested, I get more team territorial. Meaning, when someone is acting like an asshole … I take it kinda personally.
I am not a fan of bad attitude. Like bad attitude where you are your only concern and everyone else can fuck off. Where you try and act as if you are above everyone else, to the point where it is borderline disrespect. The way I roll is that I am all in. If I am going to spend the bulk of my day away from the 3 most important people in my life, I am not going to half-ass it or disrespect it. And I don’t think that anyone else should either. Mainly because it affects me too when you are a fucking beeyotch.
Attitude is everything. It makes and breaks … and the line that attitude teeters on to either make or break … is a fucking thin one.
I don’t like this “I am better than you attitude” in my presence. It makes me want to chicken choke a bitch.
This is my stance on it:
If you think you should be running the show, and you are not … maybe that is for a reason.
If you need to name drop to make yourself feel better … maybe you should find an alternative soothing method.
If you cannot spend an extra 10 minutes of your important little life in order to be a part in a really awesome moment with a really awesome team … maybe you should find a new job.
Maybe … just maybe … you should look up the definition of team and then see if you can comprehend exactly what in the hell it means to be a contributor on it.
In other news, Charli’s blatant refusal to use the potty has since had a turn around. She has officially stopped freaking the hell out every time we bring it up. Now, when I ask … she goes. The next step is getting her motivated to tell us, without us having to ask her eleventy million times an hour.
Annnnnnnnd today she pooped! For the first time! YAY!
Other than that, I have got nothin’. Nothin’ but a new month where I am going to work my ass off to hit my goals. I have my eyes on the prize and I am ready to make it consistent achievement every single month.
What is new with you?!
If you could be famous (a household name), what would you like to be famous for?
If you could go back to any moment in history, where would you go?
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Feb 25, 2010 All Things Charli, All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail 9 Comments
Happy Friday!!!!!!!!
You know the drill … purge your week out here in open letter form so you can go thoroughly enjoy your weekend!
Dear Sex,
I love you. I missed you.
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Dear Charli,
I am so proud of you for potty-ing, even though you really are fighting it. You are growing up so fast, and as much as I want you to stay my little baby bear Charli face … it is a necessary evil.
I love you.
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Dear Self,
See!? You pulled it off! You walk in the door every day and fight with your own self about having the ability to pull a big deal off, and you fucking killed it.
42K? Really!? That is insane and motherfucking awesome. Now just remember that you can on every call and they will buy something. Because they will.
Stop being your own worst enemy. Knock it the hell off.
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Dear You,
I hate your face. I really really do.
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Dear Friends,
You rocked my world last weekend. Like, ROCKED it. I will never ever forget that. Thanks for being such amazing people. I am constantly floored at the fact that so many people in my life are so god damned amazing. It is something that was sparse for a long long time, and to be surrounded by so many great people is awe inspiring.
I love you all. EXCEPT FOR YOU.
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Dear D,
I am so proud of you for coming home and rocking it. You are a great dad and you are the glue that holds our entire household together. I wish you were more aware of it.
We are gonna tackle the obstacles in front of us. Alllllllllll of them. And in the end, our family will be that much stronger than before.
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Dear Xavier,
Please please please get it together. I just want to love you. I just want to spend time with you. I miss my good little man so much that it hurts my heart to have this dynamic with you.
If you think that this is what I want our relationship to be you are high.
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Dear Mom and Dad,
You 2 are my hero’s. I love you so much.
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Dear Verizon Employee Bitch,
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you.
You obviously do not have a clue. You must think that 1) I am the fucking ONE (which I am not) 2) that you are soooooooooooo fucking collections smart (which you arent) and 3) that I am not going to get over on your fucking stupid scripted ass.
I know all of the tricks. ALL OF THEM. I bet I get my way.
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Dear Collectors,
Watch when you call my phone and the VM is now for Alicia. Alicia = I will pay you when I have the money so stop motherfucking calling me 234645768654756098-=754 times a day.
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Dear Motivation and Will Power,
You need to get it together. You have come this far to not fuck it all up and gain some weight back. 15 pounds to go. THAT IS IT. Just handle biz and fucking own the final stretch.
=================================================================================================
And for some eye candy… Julian McMahon …
Annnnnnnnnd … Salma Hayek
Your turn. Do it.
TMIThursday: A Hole Surprise
Feb 24, 2010 Sex, TMI Thursday's, love, pillow talk 19 Comments
Welcome to TMIT! Lilu is the founder of the awesome awfulness … so go show her and all of the other TMIT contributors some pukeinyourmouth trainwreckyoucantturnaway love.
Do it.
Speaking of doing it … Ms. DC Princess has the TMIT floor today. She is my blog partner in crime. If you read me, then you need to read her blog as well as her regular editorial on relationships.
Don’t make me cut you.
Who doesn’t like to be woken up by the soft touch of your man’s hand on your boobs? Or ya know, when spooning turns into forking when you’re in that beautiful state between being asleep and being awake?
I kind of love that.
You know what’s better?
Waking up as you’re about to cum. Best feeling EVER.
The Boy and I like to sleep naked on the nights when we think we’re going to get a little frisky after we’ve slept a little and wake up for a surprise attack initiated by either of us.
Usually…this isn’t a problem. If spooning leads to forking, there is usually some feeling around involved so he doesn’t go near the “UHOH” place but we’ve had some pretty nice wake up calls in the last 5 months.
Then…
A little slip-up.
I’m pretty sure we were both sleeping for 90 percent of the following events:
We were spooning and I could feel that he was about to sleep-attack me and I let myself relax more. The next thing I remember is thinking “Ow…” as I tried to tell him that HE NEEDED TO MOVE HIS PENIS. “Ow…baby, not there…OK…no…”
I don’t think I said it loud enough and there was a little bit more prodding before we both got conscious enough to fix the problem, and ya know, bang it out. And it was gooooood.
A couple of hours later, when we WERE awake, the Boy told me that he was having a dream where it was our first time and I was trying to get away from him while consciously thinking: “Hmm…she’s drier than usual.”
So yeah. THAT happened.
I’m just glad this incident didn’t coincide with my NOTBUTTSEKSRELATED that I got in the first month of our relationship…
Could you imagine the theories?
Still…late night sneak attacks are my favorite for sure. Just…NOT IN THE BUTT.
There you have it folks. Feel free to email me at wickedcourtni@gmail.com with your guest TMIT postings. You don’t have to be a blogger or identified in the post. I am looking for any and all TMIT postings.
Carry on.
Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s: My 9 Year Old
Feb 23, 2010 All Things X, Current Events, Family, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms 24 Comments
Welcome to Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s!
Don’t worry, my child is not literally missing. Figuratively though … I cannot for the life of me find him anywhere.
Let me explain. Since the bringagoddamnpornomagtoschoolandgiveittohisfriend incident, Xavier has continued to act a fool at school as well as at home, lying about the stupidest fucking shit imaginable and has been suspended 2 more times.
Right?!
He has told liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies. From “the garage just smells like something is burning, I didn’t burn anything”
when he really found a lighter and was fucking around in the garage to “my hair is just like this” when he really used a beard trimmer to shave his head partially because he “didn’t like the way his fade was lined up” or maybe how his daily progress report was “all smiles because he had a great day at school” when he really altered it so he wouldn’t get into trouble at home.
So when I asked him to write a letter to the teacher to apologize for forging the fucking progress report, he had the audacity to say the following:
“I was really shooting for all smiley faces but you gave me 2 straight faces and I didn’t really like that so I changed the straight faces to smiley faces, but what I did not know is that it would be felony: forgery when I did that. I only changed it because my dad said that if I dont get a really really really really good report I would have to run a bunch of laps around my back yard and I really didn’t want to run anymore laps because I was sore enough from running like 150 to 200 laps this last weekend.”
I am dying. I am so happy that he was not awake when I read this because I am literally falling out laughing at his logic.
1. He is not taking A N Y responsibility for the forgery.
2. He is totally blaming D for his forgery.
Fucking seriously? You wanna snitch on your dad? It was MY idea! Yeah his ass ran some laps. 20 laps a pop to be accurate.
I catch you in some shit? Get to running.
6AM? Keep it pushin’ around the backyard.
You wanna half ass your chores? Kick up dust. In the tune of 20 laps.
GO!
Not only that, but he thought it would be appropriate to just pull his pants down and sit in class at his desk with his brown ass out. Then, when he got caught … he tried to act like the teacher was seeing things and then changed his story to be that “his pants and underwear accidentally fell down.” REALLY?! Do I look that fucking stupid?!
But wait! There’s more! 30 minutes after he got caught, he did the SAME shit, mooning some kids while he “acted like he picking up some paper”
Riiiiiiiiiiiight.
Laps. Pushups. Laps. Pushups. Repeat.
Gone are the days of conversation. Gone are the endless surprise ass whoopins. Now– there is no talk, other than “Save your faulty explanation and go run it out.”
So whatever happened to him? Have you seen my 9 year old? The one who was a good kid that I got to actually talk to and spend time with? The one who I didn’t spend most conversations yelling at him?
I miss him. I miss my kid. I really really really really really miss him.
If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?
If you could be invisible for a day what would you do and why?
If the whole world were listening, what would you say?
Okay … Okay … You Got Me!
Feb 21, 2010 Family, Friendship, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love 31 Comments
Many of you who read this probably already know that Friday night was a planned surprise party to congratulate me on my recent accomplishment.
Having my book picked up by a publishing company (as I have said before and will say eleventy million times more I am sure) is hands down the biggest success of my life professionally. To date anyway.
If you were not privy to the information made public to everyone BUT me … and when I say everyone … I mean everrrrrrrryone. (You know who you are.) Tarable and Mrs. Good planned a surprise shindig. These beezos kept it from me for 2 whole weeks. D kept it from me for 2 whole weeks. Work people kept it from me for 2 whole weeks. And Tarable and I work together. I cannot even imagine keeping a 2 week secret from her.
They pulled it the fuck off. I officially give her the gangsterist best friend award and Mrs. Good the awesomeist best friend award.
So anyway, I got got. When I walked into the door, I was literally confused as to what was going on. Once I realized, I retracted back to my porch, door closed. WTF!
I got GOT!?!?!?! Me!? Really?! People don’t get me! I am always in the know, dammit! (i.e. the shit that is going through my head on my porch the 15 seconds prior to cussing Tarable out for being the co-contributor in my getting got in the first place.)
So I went back inside. And I was surrounded by about 20 people who I love and who love me back. My mom and dad came. My father in law … my boss and his awesome wife … who I consider to be great friends of mine. I knew that I was supported, but to walk into that amount of love was both overwhelming and fucking flat out amazing.
Amazing. No one has ever done anything like that for me before. I was, still am and will always be deeply touched.
The best part was that even though for many it was the first time each had met one another, they all laughed and dance and acted a fool as if they were all long lost friends. That made me feel really really great.
I am still in disbelief that I got GOT!
Damn you sneaky bitches! This means war!
I joke. What I really mean is … Thank you all for being such amazing and supportive friends. I love you all more than you know.
And … it means WAR!!!!!!! *grin*
Would you rather catch your parents having sex or have your parents catch you having sex?
Would you rather date a “Mr. Fix-It” or a “Fantastic Cook.”?
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Feb 19, 2010 All Things X, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Ranteriffic, You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch 17 Comments
Yo! Yo! Yo! It is that time again! Purge your week’s in open letter format so that you can go and enjoy your weekend!!!
Dear Sex,
2 more days and you will be mine.
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Dear Bitch,
If I could tell you about yourself and have it make a difference… I would. You are the most evasive, non confrontational bitch I have ever met. I am glad I am not your friend because it would be a waste.
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Dear OTHER Bitch,
Really? Now? You just pop back in all nonchalant like? It doesnt work that way. Sorry. There is a lot of proving to do in order for there to be any sort of relationship.
Now is the time to grow up and stop being so motherfucking selfish and self absorbed.
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Dear Tarable,
Thank you for being my best friend. You make me smile and I know that we are life partners. I love you.
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Dear You,
What is YOUR fucking excuse? God you drive me fucking crazy.
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Dear New Guy,
It felt amazing jacking you for your scrilla. Don’t leave money on the table in this department because you will get smashed like Danger smashed the homie.
I take great pleasure in it and will continue to make your life a silent treatment side comment to your face living hell until you crack like the little bitch that you are.
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Dear Girls Trip,
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Dear Xavier,
I am trying to understand your logic. I am trying to get how you continuously lie and avoid responsibility and pull the most random and inappropriate shit on a regular basis.
I am trying to love you.
I am trying to pull our little family together … and every time I do … you are fucking up to the point where I cannot even stand the sight of your face.
What am I missing here? What haven’t I taught you? Why would you rather be in trouble than be a positive contributor to this family? I miss you so fucking much that it hurts but I refuse to reward your behavior time and time again.
You do not have to act like this. I am going to give you good attention if you will just knock it the fuck off and let me do it.
Please. Please stop this behavior.
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And for some Friday Eye Candy!
Hayden Christensen..
Ms. Kat Von D…
Alright … your turn. Let it go. Get it out. Tell a bitch allllllllll about themselves!!!
TMIThursday: Daaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaad!
Feb 17, 2010 Family, TMI Thursday's 43 Comments
Welcome to TMIThursday! Give it up to Lilu for making all of the throwing up in our mouths on a weekly basis possible. DO IT.
So I am tired and I forgot to ask someone to guest post for this week. (read: please email your guest TMIT posts with pics if you are picky to wickedcourtni@gmail.com) So this is going to be short and disturbing.
(For me anyway.)
Anyway … if you are under a rock or new to my life … you may not know that my book was just picked up by a publishing company a week or so ago. I am pretty sure I am fucking ecstatic about it. I may or may not do a dance by myself when I think about it.
It may or may not be the best God Damned thing that has happened in my life … as far as professional accomplishments go.
So my mom is on my FB. My parents are the raddest, most open minded hippie parents a girl could ask for. When she read the post about it (yeah I know I am a horrible daughter for not calling them to tell them.) she freaked out and told my dad and whomever else she came across I am sure. …
…. and she calls me ….
Mom: “Tell me about this publishing deal!”
Me: *insert Charlie Brown teacher voice of me telling her*
Dad: “Well you know I am going to have to read it, right?”
Mom: *giggling*
Me: “Errr…”
Dad: “You are my daughter! I have to read it! You are a published author!”
Mom: *dying laughing*
Me: “Dad.”
Dad: “I will read it at work tomorrow!’
Me: “I really don’t think that is a good idea.”
Dad: “What is the worst that could happen? I get a woody and am unable to get up from my desk!?”
Me: “DAD!!!!!!!!”
Mom: *snort*
Dad: “I am reading your work. Period.”
Me: “Gah. Finnnnnnneeeeeeeee. I just do not need to hear about your wood.”
Dad: “Well if you don’t hear about it … how will you know what I thought?”
Me: “What do you judge a book by your boner?! FUCKIDONTWANTTOTALKABOUTTHIS!”
Dad: “Maybe I do.”
Me: “Then I dont care what you think. Keep it to yourself.”
Fast forward to me telling D of the mortification involving my dad’s wood…
D: *lauging* “Well you do know that there was wood involved in creating you.”
Me: “FUCKING SERIOUSLY?!?!?!”
D: *laughing harder* “I am just saying.”
Me: *covering my ears* “LALALALALALALALALALALA”
The end. I am officially damaged.
Would you rather forget who you were or who everyone else was?
Would you rather kiss a jellyfish or step on a crab?
Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s: Knowing Your Place
Feb 17, 2010 Current Events, DUH, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays 8 Comments
Welcome to Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s!
This week is about a little thing called “Knowing Your Place.” Ever heard of it? I know I have.
Some people have never in their lives heard of it. Wanna know how I know?! I am glad that you asked.
Exhibit A: Assuming that you can walk in the door and be above the rules. In ANY situation.
Know your place. Follow the rules. Show up with the correct attire. Accept the fact that you are low on the totem pole. Submit to not knowing everything and fucking LEARN something for a change. Understand that there were others before you.
Just saying.
Exhibit B: Your foot doesn’t belong in your mouth. I promise.
Know your place. Sometimes … it is okay to shut the fuck up. You may even gain a little bit of respect from someone if you say nothing rather than everything. Take it from me. I have learned this lesson the motherfucking hard way.
Just saying.
Exhibit C: If you are a parent … then BE one.
That means that you absolutely H A V E to be the motherfucking bad guy sometimes. It is a part of parenting. If you aren’t ready to be the bad guy, and if you are okay with a child running you like a pimp does a hoe on Sunset Blvd… then use some motherfucking birth control.
Just saying.
Exhibit D: Assuming that you are better than everyone else around you.
i.e. No one cares about your motherfucking Lexus. Nor do they give a fuck about how bored you are or how qualified you think you are. Not a one of us.
Just motherfucking saying.
To all of you bitches who don’t know your place …
The end. (Unless I missed an exhibit where a bitch doesn’t know their place.)
Would you rather be forgotten or hatefully remembered? Why?
Would you rather end hunger or hatred? Why?
Honest Tuesday’s: Get Back on Track, Fattie!
Feb 15, 2010 Current Events, Honest Tuesday's, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Yum... or Lack There Of. 17 Comments
Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place where you can come and be totally honest about shit that you normally would not be honest about.
Sooooooooo… yeah. I have been completely off of my game diet-wise. an umpteen amount of Cheeseburgers, ice cream, chocolate … pizza … carbbbbbbbbbbbbbsssssssssssssss …
Sooooooooo… yeah. I haven’t worked out. Not a lick.
The deal is, I have maintained the weight loss that I have accomplished and I am proud as hell of myself about it. However, losing it doesn’t mean that it will stay off. It also doesn’t mean that just by losing weight that I am where I want to be with my body. I want tone arms and a somewhat flat tummy. I want to wear tank tops that don’t show off boobmeetsthearm fat.
I was on point for months. Then came the holiday’s.
It seemed to be the hardest when I started this 37 pound weight loss journey. Now I am finding it harder to restart. Especially knowing exactly how damn close I am to being where I want to be.
Saying it out loud is always the best thing for me. I am off track. So is my Tarable. And we (no pun intended) feed off of each other. So when she is focused … so am I. When I am off … so is she.
So here we are, 3 months-ish until summer. 3 months-ish until our Wine Country trip. 3 months-ish until boats
and bathing suits and sleeveless and laying out and mini skirts and shorts. 3 months. I am 15 pounds from it. that is only 5 pounds a month. 5 pounds and working out every single day. Not just for the weight part … but I know I will feel better every day. Working out always ties everything together.
Home, work and health.
So. I said it out loud. We are starting over, just as focused as we were almost a year ago at the beginning of the journey. It is almost as if we have come full circle. Only now it is finishing what we started … with almost the entire race behind us.
I am pretty stoked about that fact.
What do you need to be honest about this week?
Would you rather always get first dibs or the last laugh?
Would you rather eat a handful of hair or lick three public telephones?
Pillow Talk – 6 (Valentine’s Day Edition)
Feb 14, 2010 Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, love, pillow talk 16 Comments
Happy Monday!
I jacked this idea from Lilu … “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says” so I gotta always show her some love. If you don’t read … you should.
It took a little bit of an adjustment period for me to have the opportunity to gather material for these weekly installments, but now that D is on a roll … we are in business.
D: (laying in bed) “Why don’t you come over here and let me pound your pee flaps?”
Me: “My what?!”
D: “Your pee flaps. You know … where you pee … the flaps …”
Me: “Um. I get it but really?”
D: “What can I say. I am a total romantic.”
(10 minutes later)
Me: “Does your hip still hurt old man?”
D: “No. But something else does.”
Me: “What?”
D: “The tip.”
Me: “The tip of what?”
D: “Heh.”
Me: “Is this your creative way of asking me for a blow job right now?”
D: “It is neglected. That is all I am saying.”
Me: (touching it) “Does it hurt right here?”
D: (fake ass whimpering) “Yeaaaahhh”
Me: “Oh wooooooowww right now.”
(ticktockticktockticktock)
Me: “You didn’t use my Dove bar to wash your balls did you?”
D: “No I did not.”
Me: “Speaking of your balls right now…”
D: “You want to put them in your mouth?”
Me: “Pretty sure I just did. And being that I did, I think you should shave them.”
D: (looking)
Me: “You have 70’s porn star balls.”
D: “I am offended.”
Me: “No I am offended. You have 70’s porn star afro balls. Shave them.”
D: “No! They just need a trim!”
Me: “A BIC maybe!”
(same night … as I am dozing off I get a tap on the shoulder. …)
D: “psssssst. Babe.”
Me: “What?!’
D: “I am gonna jump out of a big cake on your birthday this year.”
Me: “That kinda defeats the purpose of it being a surprise if you tell me about it beforehand.”
D: “I am gonna be all oiled up in a banana hammock covered in glitter.”
Me: “Glitter? Really?”
D: “No! I meant sequins! Not glitter!”
Me: “Because sequins are way more manly.”
D: “Anyway, I think I will jump out of a box. Not a cake. A cake would be messier. I am going to jump out, all oiled up … like I said and drop it while its hot … all while professing my love for you.”
Me: “What is up with this sudden profession of love?”
D: “This isn’t sudden!”
Me: “It’s the BJ isn’t it.”
D: “NO! Well … yeah … I mean our love is the icing on the cake.”
Me: “Wow.”
D: “And the sprinkles.”
Me: “Really? You are a piece of work.”
D: “At least I am not a piece of shit. I would rather be a piece of meat.”
Me: “You are my piece of meat baby.”
D: “Did I mention that when I pop up out of this box, I will be wearing tear away chaps and a vest?”
Me: “Uhhhhh… I think you should not do that.”
D: “No?”
Me: “No. Our life is not a walking YMCA Village People music video.”
D: ” I love you.”
Me: “You just love my BJ’s.”
Would you rather eat a scorpion or lick a cactus?
Would you rather have 7 toes or have 7 fingers?
