YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Apr 15, 2010 All Things Charli, All Things X, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., Yum... or Lack There Of.
It is Friday. Who is fucking STOKED?
It is what it says:
Dear Owner 1,
Really?
You don’t want to enhance your ownership because of the Icelandic Volcano eruption?! Because it is going to cause economical chaos?
Please.
Just admit that you cannot afford the extra $30. It is fine if you can’t … but just be honest.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Owner #2,
I am not that disappointed at the fact that you decided NOT to enhance your ownership, even though you agreed with me all the way through our conversation as to exactly WHY you should do it. I am also not that disappointed that you lied to my face when you said you could afford it. What I am most disappointed about is that you didn’t have the balls to just pick up the phone and tell me.
Nothing says coward like phone call dodging. Why did you even bother to set up the fucking call back today if you knew you weren’t gonna answer the phone?
———————————————————————————————————
Dear D,
I am working on my patience.
You need to work on your positivity.
Together, those things will allow us to conquer the world.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Jackson,
If you don’t get the fuck out of my face at 3AM because you are hungry … I am going to freak out.
Furthermore, fucking make a decision: Inside or Outside. This isn’t your personal concierge service where we open the door and let you in every 5 minutes.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Xavier,
If you tell your sister that there are monsters in her room one more god damn time, I am going to make it my mission to freak you the fuck out in your sleep.
Like REE REE REE REE REE REE REE!
I would like to have my bed to myself and not with her in it trying to put her feet down my pants every fucking night with her sharp ass toenails. (no bullshit this happens)
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Asshole,
You need to man up and say it.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Ken Adams,
YouuuuuuuuMuddaFucka.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Charli,
“Mom I have to go potty” happens BEFORE you pee your pants … not after.
Capeche?
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Self,
Get off of your fat ass and get it together.
Exercise. Eat better.
See those skinny clothes? They aren’t gonna expand to accommodate your fat ass.
I am disgusted.
———————————————————————————————————
Also Self,
Sell some motherfucking credits.
Thanks.
———————————————————————————————————
Oh and another thing Self,
Good job learning how to drive a stick. You made it such a big god damn deal and it didn’t have to be one.
Yay you!
———————————————————————————————————
Now for some eye candy!
Wentworth Miller
Annnnnnnnnnnnnd Isla Fisher
Alright folks … you know the drill. Purge your shit in open letter forum so that you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekend!
Tags: isla fisher, wentworth miller
TMIThursday: Rhymes With Perp.
Mar 17, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., Sex, TMI Thursday's, Yum... or Lack There Of., bitch
Welcome to TMIT! Lilu is the founder of the awesome awfulness … so go show her and all of the other TMIT contributors some pukeinyourmouth trainwreckyoucantturnaway love.
Our guest TMITer is a brave man. A noble man. Because reading this story makes me stabby.
Say hello to Vic!
Andddd … Prepare yourself to want to punch a bitch in the face.
Welcome to my triumphant return to the blogosphere! As a guest blogger for TMIT, I thought I’d share waaay too much information with you all. Because, well, I’m like that. And you’ll laugh. You fucking better, ‘cuz I went through a lot to bring this little story to you:
God, it seems, is not without a sense of humor.
And it seems as though I am at the butt of his jokes way too often.
Several years ago, I wrote a blog posing the question as to whether or not the actors and actresses in the Valtrex commercials could ever get a date. There was simply not enough money to get me to be in one of those commercials and run the risk of this scenario playing out:
“I like you, and I’m really attracted to you…. But I can’t shake the feeling that I”ve seen you somewhere before.”
“I get that a lot. Err, I must have a familiar face.”
“Wait, I know! You’re in commercials! Yeah! Wait… which one was it?”
“Don’t worry about it gorgeous, I think you must be confusing me with someone …”
“NO! It was the Valtrex commercial! The herpes medicine, right? Umm, I have to go. My dog has to be dry cleaned… or something…”
Flash forward 4 years. I’m single, out of a long-term relationship. A monogamous one. The number of women I had been with in the past five years could be counted on Dennis Hopper’s hand in Speed. But the time had come to add another one to the list.
It was… not bad.
And then it happened.
There was a look on her face, and she said, “I need to tell you something.”
Me, being the smartass that you all know and love, replied with, “What, did you give me herpes or something?”
“Uhh… yeah, well about that…”
God, it seemed, just pissed his pants laughing. The first thing I thought was that I was getting payback for that blog. The second thing I thought was that it just. fucking. figured. Here I am, cautious, monogamous, and the first time out of the box after being with only one woman the past 3 years, my dick craps out.
(the Herp)
Turns out, after 2 weeks of hell, testing, and waiting, that nothing was wrong. That she got retested and it turns out she had a false positive. Really, I swear, I’m clean. Tested twice, and once again 6 months later.
But FUCK! Why the hell wouldn’t you tell me that beforehand? Give me an option here… let me make my own educated decision on the deal! I’m not saying it’s the same, but I understand how it feels to be violated… to have your choice taken away.
Needless to say, I “lost” her number. Nothing is worth that insanity.
Not even the A-T-M.
(and not the A-T-M that you get money out of.)
So there you have it. Meet Vic ladies! Wanna date him?!
Who else would have punched her in her face or dirty vagina?
Please email your own TMIT’s to wickedcourtni@gmail.com
Tags: commercial, herpes, tmithursday, valtrex
So Yeah … THAT Happened
Mar 14, 2010 Current Events, Etc., Family, Friendship, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, Yum... or Lack There Of.
*Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn*
I had an interesting weekend. Tarable was kind enough to let us use her truck for the bazillionth time to go and do and get the crap out of the house on Saturday which was an awesome thing to do. (I cannot WAIT to go car shopping pee ess so I can go do what I want when I want to)
D’s awesome uncle came to visit for a couple of days from California. That man is not only an inspiration but one of the most animated people I have ever met. He had me cracking up from the minute he arrived until he left. It had been a few years since we had seen him.
I enjoy seeing others so excited about where I live. I swear I should double as a Seattle tour guide. I get giddy when I get to show someone something cool about my stomping grounds.
I went to a Tupperware party. Yeah. THAT happened.
It was awesome. Tupperware is fucking AWESOME. What in the crap is up with the level of Tupperware Awesomeness? Why was I not aware of it prior to? I mean, I knew. But I didn’t KNOW. Ya know?
So, being that Tupperware and I share a common interest … AWESOMENESS … I have made the decision to host a party. Where it will go from there …? I dunno but I am gonna see if it works out.
Oh and PS I had some bomb goodies at said party.
I also had a JagerBomb. Yeah. THAT happened too.
I suck at Red Bull. Actually, Red Bull sucks. It is soooo not awesome.
I also witnessed the funniest shit while out.
1) Eyefucking. Why do people eyefuck another person when they are obviously in a relationship? And by obvious, I mean standing right next to the person they are eyefucking? I mean really? And by obvious, I may or may not mean behind the back of the person whom the eyefuck-ee is with.
This goes back to me being classified as “The One” when I am in fact not. I don’t know where you are from but that is grounds for an old school hair pulling beat down.
Look. I have eyefucked with the best of them. I have eyefucked WHILE married, and I know for a fact D has too on several occasions. But I am not the one to be all desperate and blatant and try to eyefuck my way past the bitch you are with. No way no how.
I refuse to be the bitch that MoKenStef sings about. Or sang about. <--- Yeah THAT happened just now.
2) When we went to Dick’s for the late night infamous cheeseburger … An out of towner drunkenly stumbled up to where you order.
(A tid-bit of info here in case you don’t know: Dick’s is a walk up cheeseburger joint in WA state. You have 4 different burgers to choose from. Fries and 3 different kinds of shakes. That’s it. No special orders. Nothin.)
The following conversation happened in front of my face.
Drunk Girl: (to strange dorky guy) “I am drunk and from Chicago. Can you tell me what is good here?”
Me: *Snort*
Dorky Guy: “Uhhh… a cheeseburger?!”
Drunk Girl: “Can I try a bite of yours to see if that is what I want to order?”
Me: (to D) “Is this bitch for real right now?”
D: *shaking head*
Drunk Girl: (Not allowing dorky guy to even say no, takes a monster bite of his cheeseburger)
Me: (to D) “Did she really —?”
D: “She sho did.”
Drunk Girl: “I have had better cheeseburgers. That kinda sucked.”
Yeah. THAT happened. That bitch ate 1/3 of this strange guy’s burger and then clowned it.
And that is that.
How was your weekend?
What two things have you done in your life that you are most proud of?
What feeling do you have the most difficulty expressing?
Tags: jager, red bull, tupperware
TMIThursday: What? You Didn’t Get The *gag* Memo?
Mar 10, 2010 TMI Thursday's, Yum... or Lack There Of.
Welcome to TMIT! Lilu is the founder of the awesome awfulness … so go show her and all of the other TMIT contributors some pukeinyourmouth trainwreckyoucantturnaway love.
So you all should know by now that I was a Semen (heh) in the Navy in my past life. Several of my TMIT stories have come from that chapter in my life … this one is by far the most gut wrenching for me. (Yes even more than the puke-in-the-tartar event)
As a kid, we were milk drinkers. With every meal. I could have been a spokesperson for a GD “Got Milk” commercial. No joke.
So, as you can imagine, the milk with every meal tradition carried into my young adulthood.
Picture this:
Me and my cute little Wickedness walking into the galley one morning to get my breakfast. I had a routine, as we all kinda did being as it was like motherfucking groundhog day when we were on deployment. Toast and peanut butter … and a tall glass of milk. <-- breakfast of champs right there ladies and gents.
Anyway, as you can imagine ... 45 days consecutively out to sea meant that our supply deliveries were few and far in between.
What does that mean? Perishables run out first.
Ask me if that is something that I took into consideration? Go ahead. I will wait.
.
.
.
No. I did not take that into consideration. As far as I was concerned, we, like the ocean surrounding us had a plethora of dairy products at our disposal.
Boy was I mistaken.
So. On this fateful morning, I innocently go about my business.
Toast? Check.
Peanut butter? Check.
Tall glass of milk? Check.
So I sit down, with my book and proceed to enjoy my breakfast. The buzz in the galley is deafening, and the day in the life of a deployed aircraft carrier began all over again ... just like the day before.
Only this day, when I went to wash my toast down with my milk, I was in for a fucking awful surprise.
UHT Milk. Oh what? You aren't in the know? Yeah. Neither was I.
Definition:
UHT or ultra heat treated milk is a form of milk that has been heated to a temperature of at least 135ºC in order to kill off any harmful micro-organisms (e.g. harmful bacteria) which may be present in the milk. The milk is then packaged into sterile containers.
All milk that is available for sale to consumers through supermarkets and milkmen must be pasteurized i.e. heated to 71.7ºC in order to make it safe for consumers and improve its shelf life. However UHT milks have a longer shelf life as a result of the higher temperatures to which they are heated and the packaging used to store them.
What this means is that it has a shelf life unopened for 6-9 months. This is effective for military use where supplies and refrigeration are limited. What it ALSO means is that it tastes like what I would imagine to be what ass would taste like after running 5 miles in 100 degree heat in spandex.
Yep. I blindly took this 5 mile sweaty spandex ass liquid to the face. And then I puked. Immediately. All over myself, and the person at the table in front of me.
I also did not drink milk for about 2 years after that. I just could not take the risk of having that amount of foul in my mouth ever again.
Because it was that fucking gross.
Thank you U.S. Navy for giving me the memo about the milk change. Thanks a fucking lot.
Got a TMIT? Email me at wickedcourtni@gmail.com
Tags: dairy products, peanut butter, uht milk, us navy
TMIThursday: Of COURSE You Are Hot.
Mar 3, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, TMI Thursday's, Yum... or Lack There Of.
Welcome to TMIT! Lilu is the founder of the awesome awfulness … so go show her and all of the other TMIT contributors some pukeinyourmouth trainwreckyoucantturnaway love.
This post comes from an anonymous source. I understand why. I wouldn’t want the world to know this about me either. Not because it is the grossest thing ever … but because it is quite possibly the most mortifying thing ever.
Mad props. Maaaaaaaad props and a Ha Ha Ha!
And with that …
So I knew that there was something wrong. I tried the over-the-counter meds. No dice. So I call my local female doc. Yes boys, if you are easily grossed out … you might wanna click the red X in the upper right hand corner.
Pause…
As I was saying.
So the femdoc diagnoses me. It requires some antibiotics. Fuuuuuuuck. So she does me a solid and calls in the prescription. (Thanks for cutting my admission of why I need this antibiotic to the public in half by eliminating the drop off)
The next morning, I shoot over to my local pharmacy all ballcapped the hell up looking scruff-o-matic. No one should know my identity. No one should remember the face of me with this temporary vagina cold. *coughcough*
FORGET MY FACE WORLD! FORGET IT!
I go and whisper my info to the cashier.
Me: “ihaveaprescriptiontopickupforanonymousplease”
Cashier: “WHAT WAS YOUR NAME?!”
Me: “aprescriptionforanonymous”
Cashier: “A PRESCRIPTION FOR ANONYMOUS?!”
Me: “Gahyes!”
Cashier: “You will need to have a consultation from the pharmacist.”
Me: “I think I am good but thanks.”
Casher: “I cannot give it to you without the consultation.”
Me: “Of course you cant. Fine.”
So I walk to the pharmacist’s window. And I wait. And wait. Annnd waaaaaaaaaait.
Pharmacist: “Anonymous?”
Me: (walking over to the window) “Hi”(omgyouarefuckingsohot) <-- to myself
Pharmacist: (with his ocean blue eyes and his stupid sexy Australian accent.) "Hi Anonymous! For your vagina cold, this is a 5 day antibiotic for you to take vaginally (dies) with the cartridges provided (dies). Please make sure and finish all of the antibiotic vaginally (diiiiiiiiiiiiies) and avoid the use of alcohol while taking the antibiotic. (fuck because I really need a drink right now.)"
Me: (mortified has a picture of me next to it in the dictionary.) "Thank you."
I swear to God he winked at me.
There goes probably the one good catch left in the world. I am going to die alone with my cats and my vagina cartridges.
There you have it folks. Mortification defined. Show my anonymous TMITer some love. She needs it.
If you could choose how you were going to die, what would you choose your death to be?
If you could hear what someone is thinking for a day, who would you choose?
Tags: obgyn, pharmacy, tmithursday, vagina
Honest Tuesday’s: Get Back on Track, Fattie!
Feb 15, 2010 Current Events, Honest Tuesday's, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Yum... or Lack There Of.
Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place where you can come and be totally honest about shit that you normally would not be honest about.
Sooooooooo… yeah. I have been completely off of my game diet-wise. an umpteen amount of Cheeseburgers, ice cream, chocolate … pizza … carbbbbbbbbbbbbbsssssssssssssss …
Sooooooooo… yeah. I haven’t worked out. Not a lick.
The deal is, I have maintained the weight loss that I have accomplished and I am proud as hell of myself about it. However, losing it doesn’t mean that it will stay off. It also doesn’t mean that just by losing weight that I am where I want to be with my body. I want tone arms and a somewhat flat tummy. I want to wear tank tops that don’t show off boobmeetsthearm fat.
I was on point for months. Then came the holiday’s.
It seemed to be the hardest when I started this 37 pound weight loss journey. Now I am finding it harder to restart. Especially knowing exactly how damn close I am to being where I want to be.
Saying it out loud is always the best thing for me. I am off track. So is my Tarable. And we (no pun intended) feed off of each other. So when she is focused … so am I. When I am off … so is she.
So here we are, 3 months-ish until summer. 3 months-ish until our Wine Country trip. 3 months-ish until boats
and bathing suits and sleeveless and laying out and mini skirts and shorts. 3 months. I am 15 pounds from it. that is only 5 pounds a month. 5 pounds and working out every single day. Not just for the weight part … but I know I will feel better every day. Working out always ties everything together.
Home, work and health.
So. I said it out loud. We are starting over, just as focused as we were almost a year ago at the beginning of the journey. It is almost as if we have come full circle. Only now it is finishing what we started … with almost the entire race behind us.
I am pretty stoked about that fact.
What do you need to be honest about this week?
Would you rather always get first dibs or the last laugh?
Would you rather eat a handful of hair or lick three public telephones?
Tags: diet, exercize, focus, goals, health, south beach, weight loss, work out
TMIThursday: Barfy Valentines Day, Honey!
Feb 10, 2010 Relationships, Sex, TMI Thursday's, Yum... or Lack There Of., love
Hello my gluttons for TMIThursday punishment!
As always — check out Ms. Lilu for making this recurring day of nastyness that we all kind-of look forward to possible. She rocks, in case you didn’t know.
This TMIT posting comes from Ms. Squishy over at squishisms.com. She is not only one of my besties, but a kick ass blogger. You should read her because she exudes awesomeness.
It’s been 361 days since it happened. I had plans for a girls night with the Teridactyl. This, of course, meant Irish had to find something to do. Luckily for him a friend of ours got laid off that day. Or maybe it was the day he found a new job? I don’t really remember, and it’s moot. The point is – I went out with my girl and our coworkers, and Irish went out with the boys.
It was our first night out without each other since we started dating, a little over eight months. My night started with happy hour – to celebrate 30 Days of NonSmoking with a CoWorker who had quit smoking the same day I did. (Tho, he didn’t really quit, just quit where I could see him – but I didn’t find that out til later.) My drinking began at 4 PM on the dot.
At 11 I was ready for karaoke. It. Was. Time. I could handle anything, including that smoke-filled dive bar full of temptations I’d sworn off – cigarettes being nowhere near the top. And I thought it was time to bring the groups together. Irish’s boys and my crew could all meet at Rags.
But when I called, Irish slurred that he was heading home. He was “shhhhhleeeeeeeeeepy.”
/shrug
But… the longer we drove, and it’s at least a half hour from South Austin, where we were, to North Austin, where my car was, the more tired I grew. My buzz was wearing off and I wanted out of my clothes and into a warm comfy bed…and preferably wakeup wellsexed to boot.
SO I skipped karaoke and came home. Before midnight on a Friday night.
CanISayHowAwesomeItIsToNotHaveToStayOutAllNightToGetLaid?
But when I got home, all the lights were off. This was before the dogs or the roommate, so the house was CREEPYQuiet. Irish was passed the hell out. Didn’t even twitch when I came in and turned on the bedside light. And he was on his stomach, which is odd for him. I undressed, kissed his shoulder, resigned myself to sexlessness, contemplated masturbation, rejected it, climbed into bed and went to sleep…
For all of a few hours… and then something woke me roud about 4 AM.
Quick shallow breathing.
Quiet grunts.
And right as I opened my mouth to alert Irish to the fact that there was someone in the apartment, something hit the back of my head. Something warm and something that DID NOT smell so good.
Yeah. My fiance vomited IN MY HAIR. IN HIS SLEEP.
On Valentine’s Day.
Our FIRST Valentine’s Day.
I rinsed my hair off quietly, made sure he was on his side so he didn’t die…and went to the couch.
And then I knew what love is…
Yep.
(To be fair: (And because he says I have to include it) He did make me steak and cheddar potatoes for dinner. AND AN ICE CREAM CAKE. While Hungover. <3)
Would you rather…
* Be handcuffed to a bed, naked, in the middle of a highway?
* Have pictures of you being handcuffed to a bed, naked, on the Internet?
Tags: karaoke, love, tmit, tmithursday, valentines day
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Feb 4, 2010 All Things Charli, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Friday Eye Candy, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, Yum... or Lack There Of.
Hello and welcome. Happy motherfucking FRIDAY to you all!
Blind yet? Heh.
Alright. Let’s get on with the open lettering.
Dear IDIOTS,
Idiot #1: You are so fucking stupid. I feel sorry for your kids who have to grow up in an idiot filled environment. Because of you, there is now a clan of idiots roaming the state of Oregon freely and idiotically.
Idiot #2: You are totally unaware of the level of idiot you possess. To have to be near you on a regular basis is fucking paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaainful.
Idiot #3: Really?! Lies? All of them? No one feels sorry for you anymore. In fact, it is the opposite. What happens after, is going to be well deserved for all of the lying.
——————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Everyone,
I don’t give a fuck about the following:
1) The Olympics
2) Your issues.
3) Lost
4) Twilight
5) Avatar
——————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Sickness in my Throat and Sinuses and Ears and Bodyaches,
FUCK THE FUCK OFF. I am not submitting to your nastiness. I refuse. GET OUT OF MY AREA.
——————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Self,
You need to stop letting your own doubt prevent you from success. What are you so god damned scared of? What do you have to lose? Just ASK for it. The very worst that can happen is that the answer is no.
Stop giving yourself roadblocks. It is unnecessary stress that you do not need.
——————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Charli,
Please leave me to sleep alone for like 3 nights a week. That is all I am asking. I love you to death but seriously?! I would like some sleep without you in my personal space. I am over your feet in my back. I am over your face in my face. You are a kicker and a bed hog and I would really like a night of sleep in peace.
I am | | <--- this close to begging for it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Writers Block,
Seriously? Get the fuck out of my life. I have the ability to write an entire manuscript of poetry and another SC, which is what everyone is waiting for ... but when it comes down to actually putting content on paper, you are there ... COCKBLOCKING my creativity.
FUCK YOU. FUCK OFF AND DIE.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear You,
Blah. Why is it that half the time I hate you and the other half I dont?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Tarable,
I am glad you are being an adult. I am proud of you and I love you and I am here for you always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sunshine,
I miss you. Can we catsup soon?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Inner Fat Girl,
If I could reach inside of myself and stab you to death I would. You are counterproductive to my goals.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now for some Friday Eye Candy... Thanks to Cass's recommendation I present Mr. Taye Diggs!
Annnnnd … Ms. Cameron Diaz
There you have it folks. You know the drill … purge your weeks in open letter form, so you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekend!
Tags: cameron diaz, Friday Eye Candy, idiot, open letter, taye diggs
TMIThursday: A Little Extra SAUCE w/ Her French … Kiss.
Jan 27, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, TMI Thursday's, Yum... or Lack There Of., bitch
Hello my gluttons for TMIThursday punishment!
As always — check out Ms. Lilu for making this recurring day of nastyness that we all kind-of look forward to possible. She rocks, in case you didn’t know.
Today we have a guest TMIT’er. (I am thinking I want to have guest TMIT’s for a few weeks … so if you have a TMIT story to share on my blog … email me @ wickedcourtni@gmail.com) She is a fellow-ess PQNation Blogger … known as “Rise Again” on our site … but to me she is my Alanaface.
I love her. And her blogs. When she gets around to gracing us with her blogpresence anyway.
Show her some love. She is the bestest. 
—————————————————————————————————————————
I am the Puke Queen.
It doesn’t matter if it’s because I’m pregnant, drinking, eating something off the Chinese buffet or trying to cough back up the overload of carbs I ate for lunch, I puke. Anytime, anywhere, and the amazing thing is that it embarrasses me to NO end to throw up in front of other people.
It’s like a joke now to anyone who knows me.
Unfortunately, sometimes that shit happens at a really inopportune time, like, say, a first date. I mean, hypothetically.
This story is so typical, it’s ridonculous.
J and I started chatting online in September of 2008. Conflicting schedules prevented a real meet and greet until almost November, but when we finally found a day I suggested karaoke.
Now, don’t get it twisted. I can sing. It seems, however, that being able to sing doesn’t necessarily translate well to being able to sing karaoke on a first date. When you’re drunk. Also, nervous.
Solution to all life problems?
Wait for it…
Alcohol!
(I see you are paying attention. Good, we won’t have to go over this later.)
We started at a sports bar, general first date chit chat with lots of beer (read: cider. read: not SMRT) and some pool. I was nervous like Lady Gaga in a room of asexual androids. My first real date since separating from my husband.
It kind of felt dirty. 
By the time we got to the karaoke bar, I was pretty lit, but J said he’d never had a Jagerbomb and I’m just so fuckin’ sorry but that’s like, a travesty.
What a waste! That shit didn’t even come in two separate glasses, but was premixed in a plasticmuthafuckincup.
Followed by another cider.
Do you sense a trend of drinks with too much sugar here?
I sensed it. I sensed it all the way up my sweet little esophagus.
So, I excused myself.
And then I got called to sing.
And then what?
I didn’t have a tooth brush. Or mouth wash. Or any of those nifty little breath strips that he always carries around. (Of which I am now VERY aware and use them often in just these types of situations. Well, and before morning sex. I digress.)
What I did have was a dude that I was totally into, who made a move, like, I dunno, two hours ago, sitting next to me in the booth. He RODE THE SCHOOLBUS WITH ME FOR FUCK’S SAKE! What guy will do that anymore?!
So what did I do?
Yeah, go ahead and puke in your mouth a little…it’s all the rage.
I let him stick his tongue so far down my throat it’s a wonder I didn’t lay it all out on the table right there.
And I don’t care. Yeah, I let him kiss me with puke mouth. Say somethin’, bitch.
There you have it. Feel free to share your own related or completely NON related TMIT’s.
Happy Thursday!
Tags: alcohol, french kiss, karaoke, sing
An Award annnnnnnnnd A LMFAO Conversation, Etc.
Jan 17, 2010 Etc., Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Yum... or Lack There Of.
Happy Monday Individuals!
I was given a really kick ass award from a new (to me) bloggerslashreader. You should add him to your readers because he is pretty awesome and I quite enjoy his blogs. I really have to give it up to Lilu as well for making the connection between us via TMIT’s every week. I don’t think that she is aware of the impact she has on connecting us bloggers on the interwebs.
The Award is the “Happy 101 Award” and the rules are as follows:
I have to list ten things that make me happy and I have to do one of them today. Then I have to pass the award on to ten other bloggers who I think are deserving. Now, ten things that make me happy:
(These things are in no particular order and I have bolded the ones I have done today.)
1. Masturbating. I could be having an unlimited amount of sex every single day of my life, but I still enjoy a good self-love session. Sometimes, I masturbate AFTER sex. Not because I didn’t get off … but because I fucking feel like it.
2. Blogging. Even if my blog is crap and I don’t have time to put thought into what it is for the day. Even if I don’t publish it … I must blog every single day.
3. Sex. Duh.
4. My ladies make me happy. Tarable, Rach, Squishy, Carol, Cass, Q, Tori, JonnaBonnana, Kim(s), Lirra, Sheesha, Leslie, Chrissie, Angie, Rosie, Chrissa … fuck I know I am forgetting a bitch or 2 but I know you will forgive me.
5. Accomplishing my goals. To know that I set something for myself and then push to make it happen … the best feeling ever.
6. My husband and my kids make me happy.
7. Sleeping in.
8. Reading a good book. Uninterrupted.
9. Making someone else laugh makes me happy.
10. Food makes me happy.
*BONUS*
11. A sexy fucking man makes me happy. Get naked and let me see the GOODS!
12. Shopping. Specifically bargain shopping. New stuff makes me happy.
I would like to recognize the following bloggers and give them the Happy 101 award. Because each of them make me happy every single day when I read their thoughts.
Squish @ Squishisms: Her view of the world makes me happy. Even when she is stabby. Actually MOSTLY when she is stabby.
Jaime @ Life Under Construction: She is hilarious to me. I enjoy her view of life.
MissTricky @ What Happens After: She is one of my oldest and dearest “internet friends”. Bes’ believe that we will be old bitties together one day. Face to Face styles.
Ms. Bethany @ Bethany’s World: She is who she is and says what she thinks in the most diplomatic way I have ever seen.
EroticaBitch @ Verbal Assassin: She is the most kick-assiest Army wife I have ever known.
Moog @ Mental Poo: He is just fucking hilar. Period.
Tori @ Dramatic Sigh: I don’t even have words for her fucking blogs sometimes.
Bradley @ A Jersey Kid: He used to be on a different blog which went on hiatus but is back ( I hope ) just in a different location. I missed him. He tops my favorite blog list ever in the history of blog lists.
Rosie @ Neurotic Ramblings: She is crazy as fuck but I love her. And when I say crazy, I mean it in the most complimentary way possible.
And last but definitely not least …
P.Q. @ DC Princess: She is my numbah1. She within her own crazy self makes me happy.
Now for the LMFAO Conversation between myself and Tarable.
Friday night has been decided as our Girls Night. We are going to start doing stuff together after work … because we deserve it and because we want to. Not necessarily just going to the bar or anything … but having dinner at new restaurants or seeing movies … or … well … going to the bar. Heh.
This last Friday we got pierced. She got her nose, and I got my cartilage in my ear done. Then we went and got some mini box wines and drove around blasting our favorite music.
When we got home, we picked a movie … “Funny People” and while drinking wine and watching it, we decided that we were hungry.
Me: “I want just ONE cheeseburger.”
Tarable: “Courtni! No!”
Me: “Fine.”
Tarable: “How would we get there anyway.”
Me: “Are you already hammered?”
Tarable: “Nooo ooooo…”
Me: “So what you are saying is …”
Tarable: “I am saying that I am off one. And I am going to tell the bitch in the drive thru that. Like, I want 3 cheeseburgers no onion I am off one.”
Me: “Mission accepted.”
So we are on our way to the land of the cheeseburger. I am admittedly waaaaaaaay more buzzed than I originally thought. The level of buzzed where every god damned thing is hilar.
We pull into the drivethru.
DtB: “Welcome to the land of the cheeseburger, may I take your order?”
Tarable (to me): “What was I supposed to say again?”
Me: “Can I have 4 cheeseburgers, no onions I am off one.”
Tarable (to DtB): “Can I have 4 cheesburgers no onioniamoffone.”
DtB: “What was that?”
Tarable: “4 cheeseburgers, no onionIamoffone.”
DtB: (Silence)
Me: Motherfucking DYING laughing.
Tarable: “FOUUUUUUUR CHEEEEEEEEEESEBURGERRRRRRRRRRRSSS, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ONION I.AM.OFF.ONE.”
At this point, I am fucking crying laughing because Tarable was mad at this DtB’s lack of understanding of her SLURRED ass statement of being off one. She probably had ZERO clue as to what “off one” really meant.
We pull up to the window.
Tarable: “Hi. Sorry. I am just off one.”
DtB didn’t laugh.
Me: “OMG I AM GOING TO PEE MY PANTS!”
Tarable: “Courtni!”
Me: (I literally could not look at her. I had my back to her and was all up IN the window.) “I cant helllllllllllp it!”
Tarable: “I am sorry. SHE is off one too.”
We pull up to the NEXT window.
Tarable: “You need to get it together. They are going to spit in our cheeseburgers.”
Me: “I cant help it.”
Tarable: “They might even deny us the cheeseburgers all together! One time I was kicked out of a drivethru for cursing too much!”
Me: “SNORT”
Tarable: “I am not kidding!”
The window opens. It is the SAME fucking lady.
Tarable: “Oh! It is YOU again! Maybe we should have stayed at the other window … no!?”
DtB didn’t laugh.
Me: “OhhhhhhhhhhmyfuckingGODrightnow!”
Tarable: (to the DtB) “Thanks for the cheeseburgers, you were a PEACH.”
So we pull away.
Me: (finally pulling it together) “I cannot believe that you had the audacity to fucking get mad at this fucking lady. This is how you sounded. TWICE “Can I get 4 cheeseburgers, no onionIamoffone.” and then when she was confused, you spoke to her like she was slow … like it was HER fault.”
Tarable: “Well! Whatever! HAHAHAHA!”
Me: “I am totally blogging about this.”
The end. I love us. We are awesome. Like, e = MC AWESOME.
What 10 things make YOU happy today!?
Tags: blogawards, cheeseburger, tarable, that one fast food place, the pursuit of happiness
