Living Wicked

Attitude Schmatitude

Feb 28, 2010 All Things Charli, Current Events, Family, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, bitch

Hellooooooo o o o Monday! Hello new month! Hello friends!

First and foremost, check out the new links on my side bar. There are new Buy Stuff links and a couple of new blog links.

So there is a great deal going on in the world of Wicked. For the most part, all is great. I was finally able to get my contract scanned and sent over to XoXo Publishing. It took a minute to get the time together and my damn scanner working so I kinda started to panic like they might want to take it away because I freaking procrastinated. *phew*

So that is done. *squeeeee*

I don’t know what this means though. Like, what is the next step? What do published authors actually do?!

Anyway, I hit a huge goal at work this last month. I am still a tad in disbelief that I did it; you know, going back to the whole scared of success business I go through every day. I am getting better at believing each and every day.

What this has done for me is afewfold.

Every month I feel more invested in our team. It’s crazy but we are a bunch of vulgar and inappropriate nerds and we all (for the most part) click together. When we are on, we are hot. Anyway, as I wes saying … as I get more invested, I get more team territorial. Meaning, when someone is acting like an asshole … I take it kinda personally.

I am not a fan of bad attitude. Like bad attitude where you are your only concern and everyone else can fuck off. Where you try and act as if you are above everyone else, to the point where it is borderline disrespect. The way I roll is that I am all in. If I am going to spend the bulk of my day away from the 3 most important people in my life, I am not going to half-ass it or disrespect it. And I don’t think that anyone else should either. Mainly because it affects me too when you are a fucking beeyotch.

Attitude is everything. It makes and breaks … and the line that attitude teeters on to either make or break … is a fucking thin one.

I don’t like this “I am better than you attitude” in my presence. It makes me want to chicken choke a bitch.

This is my stance on it:

If you think you should be running the show, and you are not … maybe that is for a reason.
If you need to name drop to make yourself feel better … maybe you should find an alternative soothing method.
If you cannot spend an extra 10 minutes of your important little life in order to be a part in a really awesome moment with a really awesome team … maybe you should find a new job.

Maybe … just maybe … you should look up the definition of team and then see if you can comprehend exactly what in the hell it means to be a contributor on it.

In other news, Charli’s blatant refusal to use the potty has since had a turn around. She has officially stopped freaking the hell out every time we bring it up. Now, when I ask … she goes. The next step is getting her motivated to tell us, without us having to ask her eleventy million times an hour.

Annnnnnnnd today she pooped! For the first time! YAY!

Other than that, I have got nothin’. Nothin’ but a new month where I am going to work my ass off to hit my goals. I have my eyes on the prize and I am ready to make it consistent achievement every single month.

What is new with you?!

If you could be famous (a household name), what would you like to be famous for?
If you could go back to any moment in history, where would you go?

Tags: attitude, integrity, potty training, team, team work, territorial, work

Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s: My 9 Year Old

Feb 23, 2010 All Things X, Current Events, Family, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms

Welcome to Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s!

Don’t worry, my child is not literally missing. Figuratively though … I cannot for the life of me find him anywhere.

Let me explain. Since the bringagoddamnpornomagtoschoolandgiveittohisfriend incident, Xavier has continued to act a fool at school as well as at home, lying about the stupidest fucking shit imaginable and has been suspended 2 more times.

Right?!

He has told liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies. From “the garage just smells like something is burning, I didn’t burn anything”
when he really found a lighter and was fucking around in the garage to “my hair is just like this” when he really used a beard trimmer to shave his head partially because he “didn’t like the way his fade was lined up” or maybe how his daily progress report was “all smiles because he had a great day at school” when he really altered it so he wouldn’t get into trouble at home.

So when I asked him to write a letter to the teacher to apologize for forging the fucking progress report, he had the audacity to say the following:

“I was really shooting for all smiley faces but you gave me 2 straight faces and I didn’t really like that so I changed the straight faces to smiley faces, but what I did not know is that it would be felony: forgery when I did that. I only changed it because my dad said that if I dont get a really really really really good report I would have to run a bunch of laps around my back yard and I really didn’t want to run anymore laps because I was sore enough from running like 150 to 200 laps this last weekend.”

I am dying. I am so happy that he was not awake when I read this because I am literally falling out laughing at his logic.

1. He is not taking A N Y responsibility for the forgery.
2. He is totally blaming D for his forgery.

Fucking seriously? You wanna snitch on your dad? It was MY idea! Yeah his ass ran some laps. 20 laps a pop to be accurate.

I catch you in some shit? Get to running.
6AM? Keep it pushin’ around the backyard.
You wanna half ass your chores? Kick up dust. In the tune of 20 laps.

GO!

Not only that, but he thought it would be appropriate to just pull his pants down and sit in class at his desk with his brown ass out. Then, when he got caught … he tried to act like the teacher was seeing things and then changed his story to be that “his pants and underwear accidentally fell down.” REALLY?! Do I look that fucking stupid?!

But wait! There’s more! 30 minutes after he got caught, he did the SAME shit, mooning some kids while he “acted like he picking up some paper”

Riiiiiiiiiiiight.

Laps. Pushups. Laps. Pushups. Repeat.

Gone are the days of conversation. Gone are the endless surprise ass whoopins. Now– there is no talk, other than “Save your faulty explanation and go run it out.”

So whatever happened to him? Have you seen my 9 year old? The one who was a good kid that I got to actually talk to and spend time with? The one who I didn’t spend most conversations yelling at him?

I miss him. I miss my kid. I really really really really really miss him.

If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?
If you could be invisible for a day what would you do and why?
If the whole world were listening, what would you say?

Tags: creative parenting, Parenting, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy (or) 3 days.

Jan 8, 2010 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, You've Got Wicked Mail

Well hello there! Welcome to the first YGWM of 2010. It has been a couple of weeks huh?

Miss me?! Whatever.

You know the drill. Purge your week (s) so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekend.

Dear You.

You are a fucking big pouty baby. Knock it off.

Me

———————————————————————————————————–

Dear Mommy,

This is a letter requesting for you to whoop my ass. I would like for you to whoop my ass for the following reasons:

1) For that time I called and pretended to be a kidnapper on the voicemail.
2) For not listening to 3/4 of the things you say to me.
3) For telling half truths.
4) For not doing my chores OR half assing my chores. (i.e. no food in the cat bowl today. or the dirty toilet. or the recycle being left for days on the street.)
5) For fucking with Charli on purpose and then acting like I didnt do anything with a stupid fucking look on my face.
6) For watching American Pie when I knew I wasn’t supposed to.

Please whoop my ass! I am begging you.

Xavier

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Dear D,

Please for the love of God, take a shower and then put it in my mouth in 3 days.

It will benefit everybody.

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Cheeseburger,

(s) Yep. I had 2 of you and I loved every single salivating bite. I chewed each bite approximately 22 times to really taste you in my mouth.

I don’t care if it is me being unfaithful to my phase 1 diet. It was worth it. YOU were worth it.

TarablyWicked

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Lucky Jeans Sales Guy,

I fucking adored your face. Especially when you made me try on size TWENTY NINE even despite my own inner fatty arguing over it. And then, when the size TWENTY NINE fit me, I honestly wanted to hug your fucking face off.

You were the best sales guy ever, giving awesome recommendations when needed without being fucking aggravating and in my face.

Also, a size TWENTY NINE!? That is fucking rad. If it wasnt for you, I would have never even tried them on.

You rule.

Wicked
—————————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Mom

You will be trivial. It could go one way or the other. I don’t want to but I have to. I am gonna take one for the team.

But if you sit at that slot machine at that slot machine like a test lab mouse pushing it for crack, I will leave and find my own fun.

Happy Birthday,

Tara Monique

—————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Romo,

Don’t fucking blow it. You are my last hope other than the Vikings which I am grandfathered into being a fan of at this point. At least it is for a good reason.

Tarable
—————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Red Jeep,

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. I am so fucking sick of your endless fucking problems and your endless drama that I could literally cry.

I cannot wait until I don’t have to drive you anymore. You are the biggest piece of shit ever.

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Jersey Shore,

Why are you such a trainwreck?
Why do I love you so much?

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Jackson,

What in the fuck is wrong with you? Get out of my face, off of my table and out of my house.

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear D,

I am excited for you to come home for the following reasons:

1) To put your face in my vagina.
2) To put your dick in my vagina.
3) To put your dick in my mouth.
4) To put the christmas tree away.
5) To deal with Xavier.
6) To sleep in the bed with me.
7) To have a conversation and not be on a time limit.
To sleep in on the weekends. I just want to sleep.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Hickey on my boob,

I don’t know where you came from or how you got there, but please go away.

Love, Boobs.

———————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Paycheck,

Really?!

TarablyWicked

———————————————————————————————————————————

Dear D,

I am happy for you to come home for the following reasons:

1) Courtni & I will no longer be at each others throats … well not daily and multiple times in a day anyway.
2) She will finally take a fucking joke. Because right now, to her, I am talking in literal form. All day.
3) It is like I have no personality and I am not funny. You and I both know this is not true.
4) She will finally not be mad at me for getting some. Because she will be getting lots of somes. Thank god.
5) I will finally have someone else telling me about myself. Because I am honestly done with Courtni telling me about myself. She is mean when she tells me about myself. This is because you arent putting it in her.
6) So you can whoop Xaviers ass. Jesus. He is a good kid but he needs a fucking ass whoopin. Fuck.
7) I value the extra 20 minutes of sleep I get. That is the time it takes to drop Charli off and make coffee and make breakfast. I would like to sleep in.
IF YOU FUCKING HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT THAT YOU ARE A PART OF THIS TEAM, THEN GET A NEW FUCKING BRAIN.

Love and no disrespect because I love you,
Tarable

———————————————————————————————————————————–

Dear You,

Also above and beyond you being a big fucking baby, you need to pick one. This back and forth shit is fucking both annoying and old.

K? K.

————————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Boyfriend,

Fuck you read this so it is hard to open letter your ass. Even though it is not a bad open letter but our bosses read this too so…. put it in my mouth.

Tarable

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Dear New Guy #1,

I don’t give a good god damn who you think you are. Not even a little bit. Dont act like you are somebody. Because to me, you kinda arent.

Dear New Guy #2,

Your pick up lines are wack. Kinda like your face. Because you look like a dude that was a douche to Tarable.

Dear Mike O,

I love that I am your work boo.

Love Courtni

Dear Mike O,

I love your butt

Love Tarable

Dear Boyfriend,

Dont trip, your butt is cuter and nicer. And I get to touch it whenever I want except during work hours because that is not work appropriate and our bosses read this blog.

Love Tarable

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Dear HenrySan,

We miss the following:

1) your laugh
2) your rice
3) your open eye
4) your face

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

Yep I feel better.

Now for the Friday Eye Candy. Since it has been awhile, I wanted to do something special.

A special group eye candy … just for you.

I joke.

This Friday’s eye candy is (drum roll please)

George Clooney

Oh and Khloe Kardashian. She is a hottie.

You go. Get it off of your chest. Purge your weeks drama so you can enjoy your weekend! (annnnnnnnd, I am looking for eye candy suggestions)

Tags: Friday Eye Candy, george clooney, khloe kardashian, Parenting

5 Days (or) I am Hungry (or) “You’re Next” (or) Randomosity

Jan 6, 2010 All Things X, DUH, Etc., Family, Masturbate-able, Parenting, Random, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, bitch

Hi. I was thinking of a topic for “Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s” but couldn’t think of a good one so instead I shall word vomit. (Hint: Give me some WHtW’s suggestions pleasenthx.)

I talked to D today after finally fucking having to gangster this non english speaking bitch on the other end of my phone. I fucking LOATHE customer service call centers. Especially the outsourcedtoanotherfuckingcountrytosavemoneyyetoursocietyisfuckingunemployedlikeamotherfucker ones.

Yep. I surely did go there.

Anyway, he and I had a conversation about how it was gonna go down. It = the very strategic process of him putting his penis in my vagina. It was quite the conversation. What I want to happen and what will actually happen are probably 2 completely different things. At least 5 days from now anyway. Truthfully, I just wanna marinate for like a fucking week with complete silence and penis in my vicinity but you and I both know that I have 2 mini terrorists in my house that are not interested in anything 1) silent and 2) what I want so we are gonna have to get in where we fit in. No pun intended.

I am hungry. I want some chocolate. Like an Oreo or some Ritter Sport. Actually, I just want anything in my mouth that shouldn’t be there. Including a cheeseburger and a taco salad and even an apple with peanut butter. Mmmmm. Since starting back on South Beach Phase 1, I forgot how fucking hard it is to stick to phase 1. Carbs are the motherfucking devil.

So today, Xavier was home from school for about an hour by himself. My sitter had to run an errand or so and was running a bit behind so I get this frantic call from him.

X: “Mom – uh – uh – the cat – uh – is – puking – and – you – didnt answer so – uh – I called the vet and then the neighbor and she wants to talk to you.”
Me: (fuuuuuuckreally?!) “Alright.”
Neighbor: “Hi, is everything okay? Does X have someone looking after him?”
Me: “Yes my sitter had an errand to run and there was some traffic so he is just home alone for about an hour. Thanks for checking up.”
Neighbor: “Okay … are you sure?”
Me: (FUCKIAMFINEBITCHGODGETOUTOFMYBUSINESS!!!!!!!!!) “Yep. We are all good!”
X: “I didnt know what to do. I am sorry!”
Me: “It is fine Xavier. Just get your chores done, okay?”
X: “Okay.”

15 minutes later, I check my phone because while on a pitch selling me some dang credits, I had 4 missed calls from my house. Tried calling. The phone is busy. So I check the VM I had.

Scratchy sound scratchy sound … “qssaggYOURENEXTwertwsgfs”

Click.

Insert me freaking the fuck out.

So I call back my house phone. Busy. I call my sitter.

Me: “Hi. Um. Did you make it back to my house?”
Her: “Yeah I am sitting in the living room… why?”
Me: “Is Xavier there?”
Her: “Yeaahhh…?”
Me: (realizing what happened.) “Put him on the phone.”
Her: “Okayyy…”
X: “Hello!”
Me: “Are you kidding me?”
X: “What?!”
Me: “You’re next!?!?!?!”
X: “Ohhh thaaat! You got my voicemail then.”
Me: “Yeah and I do not think that it is funny.”
X: “What? Why not?”
Me: “Um well lets start with the fact that you were home alone and I thought someone had snatched you up Xavier.”
X: “Ohhhhh … I didn’t think about thaaat.”
Me: “I could kill you for freaking me out like that!”
X: “Sorry.”

Are you fucking kidding me right now?! GAH. I will tell you that I am only mad as far as he is concerned right now until I get his little ass back, thanks to a kick ass recommendation. Yep. He is gonna be scared out of his mind.

*wickedcackle*

I cant reeeeeeeeeeally be mad though. I used to play hella pranks on my mom. As often as possible actually. Of course payback is a bitch. Offffffff course this is the “mothers curse”. I get it. It’s cool. We shall see who has the last laugh.

All I am saying is that in 5 days, I don’t want to hear word one about any of this shit for like … I dunno … 60 motherfucking days. The only thing I want to hear about is D’s face buried in my vagina until I can’t feel my own face due to an over abundance of O faces.

Ya diiiiiiiiiig?!

Tell me something funny. Something hilar has to have happened in your life over the past couple of weeks that I have missed.
Have you ever pulled any prank bullshit on your parents, or have you had any pulled on you?

Tags: ass whoopin, cunningulus, oreo, Parenting, prank, ritter sport

Happy Monday (or) Get the FUCK Out of My FACE.

Jan 3, 2010 All Things X, DUH, Family, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Parenting, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms

Yep. We are on the countdown until D comes home. 7 days. Oh but don’t think that I am all omgyayDcomeshomeinlike7dayswoooooooooooooooooooooooooo or anything because I am actually not. Not today anyway. Today I am fucking raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanty. Tomorrow might be a totally different day. Knowing me, it probably will be.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut….

For all of you positivity people in my life right now, just because it is down to 7 days doesn’t mean that there are all of these rainbows and butterflies circling around my life all of a sudden. In fact it is the opposite.

Wanna know why?

Because not only are we on the final stretch of his extended fucking absence … but we are on the final stretch of my motherfucking patience. Oh you bitches forgot about the fact that I am an impatient fucking cunt ANYWAY?! Yeah.

Stick a motherfucking fork in me because I am done.

Done cleaning this house. Especially the dishes. No. Scratch that. Especially the floors.
Done with the kids fighting. At least done with it being in my business 24/7.
Done with being alone. At least, when I don’t want to be alone.
Done with no intimacy.
Done with doing everything.
Done dealing with it.
Done talking about it and especially DONE BLOGGING ABOUT IT.
Done with masturbation. Hello not fun anymore. Hi.

Just done.

Today I wanted to clean my house. What actually happened vs. what I expected were 2 totally different things.

I swear to fuck I was backtracking everything I was cleaning and recleaning it because my terrorist 2 year old thought it was funny to pull shit out that I just put away. Like, are you kidding me right now?! Did I look like it was something that I thought was funny?!

Commence me freaking out. That is how you know I am done. Instead of making a irritated joke out of it like I normally do, I freaked out. I don’t like feeling like this. Edgy and bitchy and cranky and fucking getoutofmyface-y all of the time. I dont like yelling at my kids. I dont like being beyond aggravated with every single move/sound/comment/thing they do. I commend single parents because when it comes to parenting for me, D is my balance, and I am his. When I am going to come across the room and pummel my 9 year old, D (usually unless it is a warranted and deserved pummeling, and lets face it sometimes it is not always deserved but I am a hothead and he pushes my motherfucking buttons so I get hella mad …) steps in and lets him know that he needs to figure it the fuck out or he will let me.

Gah. I feel all bad and shit for tantruming in front of my kids tonight. But jeeze. I don’t know how many more ways I can ask Xavier to do the same God damn thing or how many ways I can ask Charli to not touch something and have them BOTH repeat the fucking action within a 10 minute God damned period of me asking them. Really?!

Furthermore, how does a 9 year old become sooooooooooooo forgetful?! I asked him to do some shit earlier, and within 5 minutes he had (or so he says and says all the god damned time) completely forgotten about me asking. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?

Is it hard to believe that I was LESS patient prior to kids?!

The thing is, D is a better parent than me. He is more patient. I, on the other hand, am this easily irritated mom. It sucks but it is true. When it comes down to it, I could speculate that I would not deserve the “Mom of the Year” award. as hard as I try to be all cupcakebakingthoroughlyexcitedforplaydates mommy … I am not the one. Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids. Buuuuuut… I also love my space from them. Is that wrong? I feel like it is. Especially when sometimes, I cannot wait to get away from them. Like WOOOOOOOOO! cannot wait.

I hope that they don’t see me as horribly as I sometimes see myself in the parenting category.

Especially Charli. I know I totally scared her today in the midst of me freaking out… and I tried to make it better but she was totally spooked.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow will be one day closer to normalcy in the WickedHouse. Until then, it will still be today. And today, I hate everything so get the FUCK out of my FACE. Heh.

How was your NYE? Who did you ring the new year in with?
Did you have someone to kiss at midnight?! If you did, fuck you because I didn’t.

Honest Tuesday’s: I am a Softie.

Dec 15, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, DUH, Family, Honest Tuesday's, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Parenting, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms

Hello and welcome to Honest Tuesdays!

It has been brought to my attention (by me) that I have become soft in my old age.

I know. Shocking, isn’t it?

Remember how yesterday we talked about decisions? Well I had made a decision originally to deny Xavier of any and all things Christmas. No tree. Not a single decoration in my house. I hoped that Charli wouldnt know the difference … but I was totally wrong because this 2 year old is all about some Christmas and presents and Santa. As much as it hurt to the core to be the bad guy, I have reluctantly stuck to my guns, leaving me in a place where I am questioning my decision.

Am I being a bad mommy?!
Is he gonna hate me forever?!
Is this even going to get the point across?!
Am I the Grinch?! Officially?

I don’t want to be The Grinch! I love the holiday season. The lights, the feeling of giving love to another person. … all of it.

Not only that but I have had input from peanut galleries all across the world. One who’s opinion I value more than she knows.

Over a great deal of alcohol, she reminded me about what all of this was really about. Love. Sharing with the people who we love the most … tokens of our affection over the holidays. Yes, I will admit that she told me about myself. I had to pull myself out of my own stubbornness to see it, but she was right.

So…. this weekend, we are gonna get a tree. And we are gonna decorate it. Just the 3 of us. And, I am gonna put some presents under there. It wont be this big ordeal like it always has been, but we will keep the Christmas Eve pajama tradition … and … Xavier will have a couple of things from me under the tree this year.

Because this season is about love. And, as mad as I am at him … I love him more than I think he realizes.

As easy is it for me to say “fuggetabout” it about the holidays, I am doing my kids a disservice for being that way. I am not that mom. And, let’s face it. I am being fucking pouty and bitter and selfish and I need to knock it the fuck off.

So there. I was honest. 100%. Now it is your turn. What have you been less than honest about lately?

Also, do you have any Christmas traditions with your families?

Tags: christmas, christmas tree, honest tuesday, Parenting, presents, santa

Dear Xavier and Friday Eye Candy

Dec 4, 2009 All Things X, Current Events, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, You've Got Wicked Mail

Happy Motherfucking Friday. You know the drill, so come and purge your weeks so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends.

Xavier, Xavier, Xavier,

You have outdone yourself. Really outdone yourself.

We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago about how ungrateful you are and that you may very well not have a Christmas. Do you remember this conversation?

Apparently not.

I was talked into letting you have one … even though I did not believe that you deserved one … by your Meemaw and other people who love you and had your back. I fought with my own reasons and decided that their reasons were valid enough to not be stubborn.

You were right there and you didn’t even know it. And then you pull this shit.

I cannot motherfucking believe that you brought a porn magazine to school with you. (Even though you say that it wasn’t you who brought it) Furthermore, I cannot believe that you gave it to one of your friends who brought it home with them and showed their parents. (Even though you insist that he likes to blame you for everything and that he is lying about this incident)

What is even more infuriating are the facts that 1) the same named magazine that the principal said you gave this kid is the same named magazine that you “found under the washing machine while looking for a sock”. Coincidence? I think not. and 2) that I have to go into the GOD DAMN school at 8:30 in the morning and have a conversation about why my 9 year old child has access to these magazines in the fucking FIRST PLACE. (Thanks D. It is like I tell you to put this shit in a place that he cannot reach or find just to hear myself speak. Under the washer though?! Really?!)

But wait! There is more.

The 3 accusations of you making sexual gestures at girls in your school? (The 3 accusations that you claim are just to get you into trouble and you wouldn’t DARE behave that way)
Inappropriate name calling? (Oh wait that wasn’t you either … was it?)

I absolutely do not want to hear your claims of innocence. I don’t. In the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf … you are the boy who got eaten by the wolf because nobody believes you. I don’t believe you. I think you thought you were slick and wanted to show some shit off to your friends. I think, you took advantage of the little trust I had left for you and snooped in my and your dad’s shit. I also think that you think that you are slicker than you actually are.

Must I remind you that I am not the fucking one? I told you that your Christmas is done. I think that you think that I will not do it. Watch me. You get not a single present. From anyone. There will be no tree. There will be no nothing.

As much as it breaks my heart … It has to be this way. You don’t think I will do it, and I am telling you that I will.

Wanna know what else I am going to do? Whoop your motherfucking ass. I am talking knee in the back, arm pinned bare surprise ass whoopin.

Thank you for completely mortifying me. I am soooooooo excited to have a conversation with your principal about this porn magazine issue.

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Dear Shopping,

Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I will see you on Sunday.

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That is all I got.

And now, for the eye candy.

I have always loved me some Johnny Depp. He is not only an amazing actor, but he has this quirky sexiness about him. He also doesn’t give a motherfuck what people think.

And Ms. Adriana Lima … I am a dark hair light eyes lover. Especially on women. Her blue eyes completely mesmerize me.

Any Friday Eye Candy suggestions? You know I am always looking for what you wanna see.

Happy Weekend!

Answer the following questions:

According to your ex, you are?
Your favorite thing to drink on a hot summer day?
Are there things you can’t live without?

Tags: ass whoopin, christmas, Friday Eye Candy, Parenting, punishment

I want more!

Nov 1, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, Family, Parenting, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms

Halloween has come and gone. Autumn and the holidays are officially among us.

I. Am. Stoked. I love Autumn. LOVE. Crisp. Colors. Leaves. Pumpkins.

Last night, we took Charli Trick or Treating. This is her 2nd official year ToT’ing but this year it clicked. Once she realized that all she needed to do was look cute and say “Trick or Treat!” some random person would give her skittles or a sucker or chocolate.

SHE. WAS. STOKED.

After every house … she would yell “I want MORE, MOMMY!”

Of course you do Charli.

One thing that I noticed while out ToT’ing was a group of kids out and about, no costumes … and grocery bags full of candy. They were also knocking on the door’s and saying “ToT!”…

No costumes? Really?

It reminded me of when I was younger. My dad used to love to scare the shit out of the ToT’ers when they would come to the door. But, if you showed up sans costume … he would tell you all about yourself.

So I vocalized it. Tarable pointed out that maybe they were too poor to have a costume. I said “oh hell no.” And this is why.

I was dirt fucking poor when I was a kid. Like, go’ment cheese poor. Cheeseburgers on white bread poor. MacNCheese at least 2 times a week poor. And not Kraft either. My point is that we always figured out how to get a costume together.

Like the time my mom made me a bag of jellybeans. Out of a clear trash bag and colored balloons.
Or the many times I was a hobo or a hippie. You don’t need $50 or more to put a creative costume together. You can really get a unique costume together without spending much at all. It just takes a little bit of thought behind it.

My most favorite thing about Halloween is the costumes. I love seeing all of the kids in their versions of things. Last night we saw a group of teenagers that all made up a fruit basket. There was a banana, a watermelon, an apple, and the boy was the basket. You could tell they made them. It was really kick ass, actually. That is what it is about. You can go to the store and buy a god damn bag of candy. The spirit of Halloween is to get dolled or spooked and experience each other in their creativity.

Not to put a hoodie on and grab a plastic safeway bag so you can get your free candy for the year. That is some bullshit. I wouldn’t give you a damn teeny tiny kernel of candy corn. Period. And don’t be friggen 16-17 either.

Now … Some of you may be asking yourself … where was Xavier?

Xavier was/is experiencing yet another installment of creative parenting. You would think that he would have gotten it by now. It being me not being the motherfucking one. Buuuuuuuut he hasn’t. So yet again he is a guinea pig of my creative ideas on how to let the punishment fit the crime.

In conversations about the book (if you aren’t in the know click and catch up), I have let it be known that the $10 that appeared out of nowhere was someones. Not his. It was someones lunch money. It was someones $10 for a book that he used for a book that I already told him that I would buy him.

Bottom line, it wasn’t his. But he couldn’t wait. Out of his mouth “I didn’t want to wait til tomorrow.” Really?

As you may know, we last left off at the ass whoopin’. Since then, D and I have come to the conclusion that Xavier is pretty ungrateful for what he has. Therefore, his belongings will sit in boxes in his room. He will not get anything new. For a long time. He has since been let off of restriction from his room, but that is about it.

We also came to the conclusion that he does not deserve a “Christmas”. Instead of getting presents this year, Xavier will be giving them. To less fortunate children at a women/children shelter. D and I will come up with a dollar amount that we would have spent on his gifts and that money will be used for them. He will pick out the gifts and hand them out. He will serve Christmas dinner.

In my opinion, Xavier has been spoiled with material things in his 9 years and it is time to make a life long impression.

I hope that it does. Truly.

How was your Halloween?
What was the most creative costume you saw this year?
What is your favorite Halloween treat?

Tags: autumn, candy, costume, halloween, teenager, trick or treat

2 Year Old Cheese & Whine

Oct 25, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, DUH, Family, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms

________ Monday. (Fill in your own fucking blank … okay?)

As if Xavier being on my shit list wasn’t enough, Charli has to go and put herself on the mommy VIP shit list as well.

Why are both of my offspring under the impression that I am in fact the one? I have explained to them time and time again that I am in fact NOT the one.

I have no idea what switch inside my child was flipped within the last week or so, but whoever did it needs to turn it the fuck off. Out of nowhere, she has become this whiny, cry-ey, annoying little creature.

Gone are the “Mommy please can I have”.
We now have “Mawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwmmy I waaannnnnnnnnnnnnnna”

If you don’t “know me” know me … then you may not know that I do not, have not, will not ever be the parent that coddles a fucking whiner. Not your kid, not my kid, not anyone’s fucking kid. From birth with both of my kids, we have talked to them the way that we talk to anyone else. Because of that, my 9 year old is more articulate and versed than many adults that I know.

I am not bragging, I am just saying.

I am also saying that even when I stop her, and remind her to ask for what she wants … she still insists on whining about it. WTF is she whining for? All it does is make the adults around her aggravated. Especially considering the fact that I do not fucking embrace it. GAH. All it makes me want to do is tell her to shut her whiny, cry-ey, phrase repeating ass the hell up.

SHUT THE HELL UP!

I hate to be all like “I want to punch her in her god damned mouth but …”

“Cover meeeeeee uppppppppp”
“Iwaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmyjuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiceeeeeeeeeeee”
“Imhungryyyyyyyyyyyyyymawwwwwwwwmyyyyyyy”
“Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

“… it’s phrases like these that make me change my mind.”

Just saying.

Would you like to tell anyone to “Shut the Fuck Up!!!!!!!!!” today?

Fill in the blanks!

The last thing I do before I go to bed at night is __________________.
I should have ______________ yesterday.

Have you ever caught a friend or family member having sex?
Have you ever said something to someone without thinking that you immediately wished you could take back? What was it?

Tags: cheese and whine, kids, mommyhood, Parenting, shut the hell up, terrible two's, wine

The Best Part of Waking Up

Oct 21, 2009 All Things X, DUH, Family, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms

Lets just start off about how I am not a morning person.

Lets also mention that I became a morning person today when I was on the 9-year-old-ass-whooping-prowl bright and early at 7:30 am PST.

Oh I know you all want to know what happened. It is okay. I won’t tell anyone that the sadist in you is begging you to not feel sorry for Xavier right now and that is okay. I don’t feel sorry for him one iota.

This morning, as usual, I woke him up to get in the shower. Then, I crawled my cranky ass back into bed to make it look all normal and shit. He, of course, was unexpecting and bought it. He took his shower, and began to go about his 9 year old, getting ready for school business as usual.

Not today Xavier. Not the fuck today.

So I pop up and out, following him to his bedroom all smirky-face like.

X: (looking back at me) “What?”
Me: “What do you mean ‘what’?”
X: “Nothing.”
Me: “Oh not nothing my friend. Drop the towel.”

(God damnit I wish I had a picture of his face.)

X: “Why?!”
Me: “Really? You have to ask?”
X: (face crunching up into a omgsheisgonnawhoopmyasscryface) “Mom nooooooo!”
Me: “Xavier. Drop the towel.”

He drops the towel. I then proceed to bend his naked 9 year old self over his bed, police-elbow-in-the-back and whoop his bare ass off of his body. He wailed like no ones business, and then I went back to bed.

What a great start to my day. I gangstered the fuck out of the rest of this day. It truly was the best part of waking up … and I mean that from the bottom of my icy fucking heart.

Why are you looking at my blog with that face? Are you upset that I find sick pleasure from morning ass whoopins? If so, are you new? If you knew anything about me as a parent, this comes with a great deal of build up. Ass whoopin’s are earned. I don’t just whoop ass for the sake of doing so. I do it to make sure it means something. So yeah, you are God damned right there is pleasure there.

I am considering waking this little shit up with morning ass whoopins for the duration of his punishment.

Say I won’t.

Also, I have a TMIT (Shot out to Lilu) for you. It is not my TMIT (thank god) but I was forced to be a part of it today at lunchtime.

Wanna hear it? Hear it goes.

Today on the way to lunch, I had to stop on the 1st floor to pee. It literally hit me when we got on the elevator. So I walk into the bathroom and enter this conversation:

Random Girl: (IN THE FUCKING STALL) “Hi I would like to place an order for pick up.”
(Pause)
Random Girl: “I would like the super nacho’s please … mmmhm … chicken … uhh no … I do not want sour cream. … Mmmmhm extra cheese please ….”

And then, as if it doesn’t get any grosser, she pushed and some poop hit the water.

Random Girl: “Can I get the total?”
Me: (silently LMFAO) “FLUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Oh yes the fuck I did flush the toilet while she was on the phone. I hope they heard the echo too.

Who in the motherfuck thinks about what food they want to eat while taking a shit? Really? Like … is it just not possible to make that call before or AFTER you poop? I just do not understand the phone talking while going to the bathroom as it is, but ordering food?! REALLY?

Ugh. Bitches are nasty. N A S T Y. I washed my hands rrreeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaalllly slow too so that she had no choice but to face my Wicked self.

The end.

What is your MOST forbidden fantasy?
Do you like to cuddle after sex?
Would you rather have sex with a regular sized guy and a small dick or a midget with a big one?

Tags: ass whoopin, bed, folgers, mommy, Parenting, punishment, sleep