Honest Tuesday’s: Barely Naked
Aug 2, 2010 Fitness Forward, Honest Tuesday's, In It To Gym It, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked & D Quotables, Wicked Wisdoms, bitch
**WARNING: You might not want to read this if you know me know me. If you do, you are reading at your own risk.**
Me: “Knock it off. I feel like I should be grazing in the grass. Chewing on some cud or something.”
D: “What? No! You are sexy.”
Me: “I am NOT sexy.”
D: “You are sexy to me!”
Me: “But I am not sexy to ME.”
I swear to fuck this ^^^ conversation has become a regular one in my Wicked domain.
I hate this conversation. I hate the way it makes me feel when my own issue hurts the feelings of the other person who matters.
But I can’t help it. A million people could tell me how pretty I look or how sexy I am … but if I don’t feel it inside … it truly doesn’t matter what they say. I have to be the one to feel that way about myself. Yanno?
It is all in my head. I get it. It is my own issue. Mine. Not his. Not yours. Mine.
I wake up and am reminded of it. I immediately pull my shirt down that has ridden up maaaaybe 2 inches and twisted itself around me while I slept, peacefully snuggled in between a 3 year old, a kitten, a new puppy (that is not really a puppy he is 2 but I am not sure I like yet) and D.
The first thing I think about when I wake up is whether or not my stomach fat shows. In my own house. Who does that?
Personal hell? I think so.
It is stupid to feel this way. I know it is. I am sure that what I see is probably not as bad as what you see, but when I look in the mirror I am repulsed. Like throw up in my mouth repulsed.
So then it goes a little somethin like:
D: “Do you wanna do it?”
Me: “No!”
D: (insert disappointed face)
Me: (insert feeling like an asshole)
I cannot make myself want something I don’t want. And it isn’t even that I don’t want ‘it’ … I simply don’t want to see myself naked and I sure as hell don’t want anyone else to either. Not even D. And we have been together for 10 years.
Gah. It is affecting everything. I am that wife. The wife I swore to God I would never ever be. But I see it happening. It is like I am stuck inside a sound proof bubble watching the fat unmotivated me take over the world and I am completely powerless over it.
Me: “I am tired.”
Me: “I have a headache.”
Me: “I don’t feel good.”
To put it simply, I am uninspired and I hate it. My life isn’t even all fucked up. I really have absolutely nothing to bitch about and I am bitching anyway.
I am barely naked and that sucks because I really fucking LOVE being naked. !!!!
Fuck. Am I really even writing this?
Someone tell me to getthefuckoverit already.
Ready, set, GO!
(p.s. I am getting my shit back on track. I am paying attention to what I am eating and firmly reminding myself that a cheeseburger a day does NOT keep the DR. away. Also, I worked out tonight and it felt great. Now to make it a habit again. 
Ya Digg!?)
What inspires you?
Anniversary Trip FTW!
Jul 11, 2010 This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked & D Quotables, Wicked Wisdoms
Happy Monday!
I am home and able to sit down and write about my mini-impromptu-childless anniversary trip.
I felt refreshed until my kids got here and started back in to the fighting ways that siblings do. (boo hoo why wasn’t our trip longer or forever?)
I joke! (or do I?)
Anyway … our trip was pretty freaking cool. I don’t know why I am just now really discovering CraigsList… but I am and I am loving it.
Discovery 1: A beautiful room on the sound equipped with a mini fridge, microwave and a spectacular view from the balcony … $65 a night. (I know right? What is the catch? None actually.) I searched under “Vacation Rentals” because I wanted to surprise D with a night away. We both needed it. Badly.
It is a privately owned home with extra bedrooms that are rented out by the owners. Annette and Dick were more than hospitable and wonderful and I hope to have the opportunity to stay there again in the very near future. D and I were talking about spending a night there when it is rainstorm season. I am sure it will be just as beautiful as when the sun is shining … in a totally different way.
The property has history which Dick explained to us while giving us the tour.
It had it’s own private entrance and the deck was private as well. I was instantly relaxed and felt right at home. It is crazy to not feel that weird “I am not in my own space” adjustment period. We really just exhaled and began to enjoy each other’s company.
The thing I love most about my husband is our ability to talk. We have been entertaining ourselves for over 9 years now and I can completely see us entertaining ourselves for another 99. He makes me laugh more than he makes me cry … at least more now than ever … and I really cannot imagine spending this much time with anyone else.
So … there really isn’t much to do in Anacortes, WA. *GASP* I know. I didn’t really plan it for an elaborate activity filled evening so it worked. We left for a couple of hours just to be out in our gorgeous weather. We went to the water and walked around, looked at some beautiful boats, and then found a really amazing ice cream shop. Dessert before dinner FTW!!!
After, it was time for our inside picnic and for me to smack D around in Dominoes.
Heh. (I let him win one time to be nice.)
One thing that was not awesome … but probably happened for a reason … was the TV not working. We were both looking forward to laying in bed and watching a movie or SNL but the remote to the DISH literally died while we were using it and then DISH shut off completely. The owners were trying so hard to fix it; they even called DISH at 9 at night to figure something out for us, but there was nothing anyone could do. The remote had to be replaced.
D and I had come to grips with the issue being what it was well before they called to fix it, and to be perfectly honest, we weren’t there for the TV … you know? Prior to them trying to come and fix it, we were completely content listening to music and chatting away. After she got off the phone, Annette tried to refund me money. It was the right thing to do for her to offer it, but I wouldn’t hear of it.
How tacky of me to accept money back from these amazing people over something that really had no negative effect on our trip.
Of course D said “I would have taken it!” but I quickly reminded him that that it was 1) tacky and rude and 2) not something that you ever do in this situation. A Motel6? Absofuckinglutely. But not kind people who open their home up to strangers. Absolutely not.
Anyway, D and I decided we wanted munchies. We forgot sweets and were without anything to satisfy that sweet tooth, so we ventured to the store.
When we came back, there was a note and a gift at the bottom of the stairs up to our room.
It basically thanked us for being so understanding about the TV, and that she works with glass … and wanted to give us (me) an anniversary present. It is a beautiful handmade necklace that I am in love with.
D looked at me and said, “I get it now.”
This gesture touched me. It is something that not a lot of people understand or even think of doing because they are so self consumed and distracted by stupid things all of the time.
Small gestures mean something. I will hold on to this necklace until forever because it was a thoughtful gift from a thoughtful woman who genuinely cared about a 100% perfect anniversary trip for D and I. Even though it was something so stupid to us that happened during our stay, it meant something to her.
I have said this before and I will continue to say it until I am blue in the face I swear to God.
We as a society of human beings are missing these key aspects of humanity. Caring, selflessness, understanding, compassion … common courtesy. There aren’t many people in the world left like Annette and Dick it seems like and that bothers me.
Just like I said in my last blog; I cannot change the world … but I sure as hell can make a valiant effort to be a more compassionate human every single day.
Thanks, Annette and Dick, we hope to see you again soon. <3
Finish this sentence: “I cannot change the world … but I _____ “
P.S. If you are ever in need of a quiet amazing get away … email me. I will give you the contact information to check availability where we stayed.
Tags: anacortes wa, happy anniversary, marriage, road trip
So Yeah … THAT Happened
Mar 14, 2010 Current Events, Etc., Family, Friendship, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, Yum... or Lack There Of.
*Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn*
I had an interesting weekend. Tarable was kind enough to let us use her truck for the bazillionth time to go and do and get the crap out of the house on Saturday which was an awesome thing to do. (I cannot WAIT to go car shopping pee ess so I can go do what I want when I want to)
D’s awesome uncle came to visit for a couple of days from California. That man is not only an inspiration but one of the most animated people I have ever met. He had me cracking up from the minute he arrived until he left. It had been a few years since we had seen him.
I enjoy seeing others so excited about where I live. I swear I should double as a Seattle tour guide. I get giddy when I get to show someone something cool about my stomping grounds.
I went to a Tupperware party. Yeah. THAT happened.
It was awesome. Tupperware is fucking AWESOME. What in the crap is up with the level of Tupperware Awesomeness? Why was I not aware of it prior to? I mean, I knew. But I didn’t KNOW. Ya know?
So, being that Tupperware and I share a common interest … AWESOMENESS … I have made the decision to host a party. Where it will go from there …? I dunno but I am gonna see if it works out.
Oh and PS I had some bomb goodies at said party.
I also had a JagerBomb. Yeah. THAT happened too.
I suck at Red Bull. Actually, Red Bull sucks. It is soooo not awesome.
I also witnessed the funniest shit while out.
1) Eyefucking. Why do people eyefuck another person when they are obviously in a relationship? And by obvious, I mean standing right next to the person they are eyefucking? I mean really? And by obvious, I may or may not mean behind the back of the person whom the eyefuck-ee is with.
This goes back to me being classified as “The One” when I am in fact not. I don’t know where you are from but that is grounds for an old school hair pulling beat down.
Look. I have eyefucked with the best of them. I have eyefucked WHILE married, and I know for a fact D has too on several occasions. But I am not the one to be all desperate and blatant and try to eyefuck my way past the bitch you are with. No way no how.
I refuse to be the bitch that MoKenStef sings about. Or sang about. <--- Yeah THAT happened just now.
2) When we went to Dick’s for the late night infamous cheeseburger … An out of towner drunkenly stumbled up to where you order.
(A tid-bit of info here in case you don’t know: Dick’s is a walk up cheeseburger joint in WA state. You have 4 different burgers to choose from. Fries and 3 different kinds of shakes. That’s it. No special orders. Nothin.)
The following conversation happened in front of my face.
Drunk Girl: (to strange dorky guy) “I am drunk and from Chicago. Can you tell me what is good here?”
Me: *Snort*
Dorky Guy: “Uhhh… a cheeseburger?!”
Drunk Girl: “Can I try a bite of yours to see if that is what I want to order?”
Me: (to D) “Is this bitch for real right now?”
D: *shaking head*
Drunk Girl: (Not allowing dorky guy to even say no, takes a monster bite of his cheeseburger)
Me: (to D) “Did she really —?”
D: “She sho did.”
Drunk Girl: “I have had better cheeseburgers. That kinda sucked.”
Yeah. THAT happened. That bitch ate 1/3 of this strange guy’s burger and then clowned it.
And that is that.
How was your weekend?
What two things have you done in your life that you are most proud of?
What feeling do you have the most difficulty expressing?
Tags: jager, red bull, tupperware
Pillow Talk — 7
Mar 2, 2010 Current Events, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, pillow talk
Yo! Yo! Yo!
I always give love to Ms. Lilu for inspiring my Pillow Talk blogs because she posts The Shiz My Boyfriend Says. And I love her so you should read her. Word?
(while watching SNL…)
Me: “Jlo is both the artist and the guest?”
D: “I dunno…”
Me: “What in the hell is she singing tonight?”
D: “I think she sings some mexi stuff.”
Me: “Mexi stuff? Really?”
D: “You know what I meant.”
Me: “So racist.”
D: “Yeah. That’s me. A closet racist.”
Me: “Like mexi fries? Mexi melt?”
D: “Shutup.”
(20 minutes later …)
Me: “Damn Jlo has ass.”
D: “Somethin’ has to make up for her lack of voice.”
Me: “Seriously. Enrique Iglasias needs to tell his wife about herself because dude. She sounds like a dying cat.”
D: (laughing)
Me: “What?”
D: “Jlo’s husband is not named Enrique.”
Me: “Huh?”
D: “You called Jlo’s husband Enrique Iglasias.”
Me: “Oh whatever. Enrique Iglasias … Mark Anthony … sounds the same to me.”
D: “The names sound absolutely nothing alike.”
Me: “You know what I meant!”
D: “You are the closet racist, not me.”
Me: “Wow.”
(in response to a discussion about a husband wanting an “exercise pole” in the house against his wifes will)
Me: “Any man that wants a stripper pole in the house and the wife doesn’t … that just screams infidelity.”
D: “He SAID it was an exercise pole.”
Me: “It is an infidelity pole.”
D: “I am gonna put a stripper pole in the man cave.”
Me: “You have a motherfucking death wish.”
D: “I have hella seating.”
Me: “I will kill you.”
D: “There are tools down there to install it.”
Me: “You are joking.”
D: “There are MIRRORS down there.”
Me: “There will be no pole ala stripper in my house.”
D: “That is why the man cave is in the garage now.”
Me: “Die.”
D: “I am just saying. OH! There is MUSIC out there too!!!!!”
Me: “I am going to poison you.”
D: “Babe, it is all for you.”
Me: “Yeah because I am gonna walk out to the “Man Cave” and use the fucking stripper pole.”
D: “Why cant we have one?”
Me: “We can have one when we have our own wing in our house.”
D: “Really?”
Me: “Yep. Because if we have a pole, we need a swing and one of those rocking chair dong ride thingies.”
D: “I really love you.”
Me: “Duh.”
If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, which song would you choose?
If you were asked to choose which time you would like to live in, which century would you choose?
Tags: love, marriage, pillow talk, Relationships
Pillow Talk – 6 (Valentine’s Day Edition)
Feb 14, 2010 Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, love, pillow talk
Happy Monday!
I jacked this idea from Lilu … “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says” so I gotta always show her some love. If you don’t read … you should.
It took a little bit of an adjustment period for me to have the opportunity to gather material for these weekly installments, but now that D is on a roll … we are in business.
D: (laying in bed) “Why don’t you come over here and let me pound your pee flaps?”
Me: “My what?!”
D: “Your pee flaps. You know … where you pee … the flaps …”
Me: “Um. I get it but really?”
D: “What can I say. I am a total romantic.”
(10 minutes later)
Me: “Does your hip still hurt old man?”
D: “No. But something else does.”
Me: “What?”
D: “The tip.”
Me: “The tip of what?”
D: “Heh.”
Me: “Is this your creative way of asking me for a blow job right now?”
D: “It is neglected. That is all I am saying.”
Me: (touching it) “Does it hurt right here?”
D: (fake ass whimpering) “Yeaaaahhh”
Me: “Oh wooooooowww right now.”
(ticktockticktockticktock)
Me: “You didn’t use my Dove bar to wash your balls did you?”
D: “No I did not.”
Me: “Speaking of your balls right now…”
D: “You want to put them in your mouth?”
Me: “Pretty sure I just did. And being that I did, I think you should shave them.”
D: (looking)
Me: “You have 70’s porn star balls.”
D: “I am offended.”
Me: “No I am offended. You have 70’s porn star afro balls. Shave them.”
D: “No! They just need a trim!”
Me: “A BIC maybe!”
(same night … as I am dozing off I get a tap on the shoulder. …)
D: “psssssst. Babe.”
Me: “What?!’
D: “I am gonna jump out of a big cake on your birthday this year.”
Me: “That kinda defeats the purpose of it being a surprise if you tell me about it beforehand.”
D: “I am gonna be all oiled up in a banana hammock covered in glitter.”
Me: “Glitter? Really?”
D: “No! I meant sequins! Not glitter!”
Me: “Because sequins are way more manly.”
D: “Anyway, I think I will jump out of a box. Not a cake. A cake would be messier. I am going to jump out, all oiled up … like I said and drop it while its hot … all while professing my love for you.”
Me: “What is up with this sudden profession of love?”
D: “This isn’t sudden!”
Me: “It’s the BJ isn’t it.”
D: “NO! Well … yeah … I mean our love is the icing on the cake.”
Me: “Wow.”
D: “And the sprinkles.”
Me: “Really? You are a piece of work.”
D: “At least I am not a piece of shit. I would rather be a piece of meat.”
Me: “You are my piece of meat baby.”
D: “Did I mention that when I pop up out of this box, I will be wearing tear away chaps and a vest?”
Me: “Uhhhhh… I think you should not do that.”
D: “No?”
Me: “No. Our life is not a walking YMCA Village People music video.”
D: ” I love you.”
Me: “You just love my BJ’s.”
Would you rather eat a scorpion or lick a cactus?
Would you rather have 7 toes or have 7 fingers?
Tags: 1970's, dove, pillow talk, valentines day, village people, ymca
Guess What’s Back … Back Again? Pillow Talk … Tell a Friend
Feb 7, 2010 Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, pillow talk
Happy Monday! Guess who won the Superbowl? Psh like I give a fauxck.
I have had some emails wondering why there have been no Pillow Talk blogs as of late. Not to be a sarcastic cunt or anything but I guess I am wondering how Pillow Talk would be possible when the person (D) on the other pillow is not around to share a conversation with.
Just saying.
So, for your enjoyment, here are some recent conversation between the infamous D and myself.
(This convo took place after last weekend’s shenanigans where some random douchebag thought my name was Nicole … and all of my LOVELY friends played into it by screaming “NIKKI” as I attempted to drunkenly convince him that my name was NOT in fact Nicole or Nikki)
D: “Whatever Nikki.”
Me: “You must want to get stabbed.”
D: “I must admit, you could pull off Nikki if you really wanted to.”
Me: “Is that right?”
D: “Yeah. I mean, Nikki is a slutty name. And well … you are kinda slutty.”
Me: (Pondering)
D: “And, I mean Nikki is a bitchy name too. Like ‘I cant STAND that bitch Nikki.”
Me: “You just have it all figured out, don’t you?”
D: “Hey. I am not the one who thought your name was Nikki. I am just saying. If the slutty shoe fits… call her Nikki.”
Me: “I am going to murder you.”
Approximately 10 minutes later…
Me: “You have to wake me up at 7:30 tomorrow.”
D: “What am I, your personal alarm clock?”
Me: “You are my personal more than that and you know it.”
D: “Psh.”
Me: “Mmmmmhm. That is why you answered like that. Cause you know.”
Me: “7:30. Alright? And you better wake me up nicely.”
D: “I know how I am gonna wake you up. HehHehHeh.”
Me: “NO! I am NOT A MORNING PERSON GOD DAMNIT!”
D: “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”
Me: “Really? Have we just met?”
D: “What I was GONNA say was I would just wake Charli up early and let HER deal with your non-morning person ass.”
Me: “That would be stupid on your part.”
D: “Why?”
Me: “Because she isn’t a morning person either and I will be getting ready for work, so you will have to deal with her bratty ass.”
D: “Fuuuuck.”
Me: “Yep. Better stick to just waking me up nicely.”
D: “Thisdick.”
Me: “You are a 6th grader.”
D: “Deeeeeeznuttts.”
Me: “I often find myself questioning why I even talk to you.”
Because he takes care of me so well when I am sick…
Me: “I feel like shit right now. My throat and ears feel like sandpaper on the inside.”
D: (smirking)
Me: “I wish I could shove my hands down my throat and scratch them. Blah!”
D: “I think I might have a cure for that itch.”
Me: “Idontwantit.”
D: “I am just trying to help you scratch the deepest parts of your throat baby.”
Me: “I swear to Christ I hate you.”
D: “Why such hatred? Here I am fixing the problem and you are so ungrateful.”
Me: “Whatever.”
D: “Fine. Don’t come crying to me when your throat still itches. That is, unless you have made the decision to allow me to *ahem* scratch that itch.”
Me: “Idontwantit!”
D: “Such ungratefulness these days.”
Would you rather fight Mike Tyson, or permanently talk like him?
If you had to assassinate one famous person still living, who would it be and how would you do it?
Tags: love, marriage, mike tyson, pillow talk, superbowl
TMIThursday: Eye Will Try Anything … Once.
Dec 17, 2009 Masturbate-able, TMI Thursday's, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, Yum... or Lack There Of., love, pillow talk
Welcome to TMIThursday!
It is a place where what I write may or may not make you throw up in your mouth, cringe and laugh all at the same time. Make sure to check out Ms. Lilu’s blog and her list of TMIT’s for the week. Word?!
I am going to forewarn you. This blog is one that some of you probably NEVER want to read about me. So you have the option to click the red X in the top right hand corner right now. If you continue, I don’t want to hear it. K? K.
(also some of you may not be surprised in the least. Just saying.)
This conversation comes after many many many many many conversations prior to it where a certain someone would beg me to let him do it and I would vehemently shoot down his dreams of doing it over and over and over and over and over again. With me?
*ahem*
D: “You should let me do it. Just once.”
Me: “NO! I have no desire! None!”
D: “Puhleeeeeeeese!!!!!!!! Just like with food, you need to try everything at least once!”
Me: “No.”
D: “C’mon. You know you wanna try it.”
Me: “No.”
D: “Fine I am just gonna do it without your permission. Then what will you do?”
Me: “Divorce you. But I would punch you in your junk first.”
D: “You won’t.”
Me: “YOU wont.”
Hours later… we are doing the do. Makin’ babies or some corny way to say “fucking”. I had completely forgotten about the previous conversation. Ask me if D did. Of course he didn’t.
So there we are, midbone when he whispers “I wanna cum in your mouth.” Ask me if I let him. Of course I did.
Or so I thought that is what I was doing. Before I knew it, this son of a bitch was busting. All over my face. Not just in my FACE but in my EYE as well. My open, virgin, unexpecting EYE! At first he stood there, all smirky face like he just conquered this mission. Until I was screaming about my fucking EYE burning from having a load sprayed in it. Ask me if he felt bad. Of COURSE he did! He was all in my business talking about “OMGAREYOUOKAY?!” “Can I help?” “Do you need some ice?”
Do. I. Need. Some. ICE?! I shot up from the bathroom sink, my one EYE all red and irritated from the little tadpoles that were rocket launched into it … the other EYE all red from the rage I felt in the pit of my stomach. “What I need from you … D … IS TO NOT SURPRISE MY EYE WITH A CUMSHOT!”
D: “I didn’t do it on purpose.”
Me: “Get out of my face right now.”
Hours later …
D: “I don’t think I liked cumming on your face. It felt kinda dirty.”
Me: “Oh you mean the suckercumshot?!”
D: “I told you I was sorry.”
Me: “Maybe I will surprise cum in YOUR eye next time. See how you like it.”
D: “Heh.”
Me: “GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
I may have been psychologically damaged from the event, but my EYE lived happily ever after.
Have you ever been unpleasantly surprised in the bedroom?
Honest Tuesday’s — 2
Oct 26, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Etc., Family, Honest Tuesday's, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables
Welcome to round 2 of Honest Tuesday’s. It is kinda like TMIT’s but not raunchy … nor will it make you throw up in your mouth. It is more of a weekly check yourself blog. What are you lying to yourself about? What are you pretending to be okay with but really are not okay with? Who are you really?
So I will go first. You will then read, judge me (yes you will) and then purge your own brutal honesty. Be anonymous if you like. I don’t care. It will feel better to say something honest rather than keep it in and lie to yourself and others forever.
I wont judge. Much. *winkwinkwink*
On this Tuesday, I will admit that I am not as mean, brash, hard core as I may like to come across to others.
Shut up.
Look. I will beat a bitch down if I am 1) instigated against 2) drunk enough and provoked 3) in the mood to.
It is true. I am not a tough girl. All of the time anyway. Don’t get it twisted though. I am not scared of no bitch no how. (It is serious enough to have an intentional grammatical error in my blog to irritate most of you reading it.)
This is the thing though.
I am not young. I seem to have adapted this ability to “assess the situation” with my oldER age of 30. Meaning, if a bitch is all disrespectful like in my face or anyone’s face around me that I give a shit about … I have begun to make a decision based on factors.
FACTORS. Who in the fuck makes a decision based on FACTORS?! Oh that’s right. Adults do. Adults who apparently need to set an example for their offspring do. I have been handed this memo certified letter style by D to remind me of my temper/mouth/flailing fucking fist on too many an occasion.
This memo reads something like this:
Dear Wifey,
You should reconsider your hot headed-ness in the following situations:
1) Grocery stores. (That bitch really was that dumb. I promise. It wasn’t an intentional jam on your ankle with her grocery cart)
2) Public FAMILY gatherings. (It is possible that parents of other offspring do not know what the fuck they are doing. You YELLING it across multiple children in profane verbiage is not appropriate. Yes I agree with you. SILENTLY)
3) In the car. (There are kids in the car with you. THE BITCH CANNOT HEAR WHAT A CUNT SHE IS ON THE FREEWAY IN ANOTHER VEHICLE! Your children however, can hear. When Charli uses the word cunt in front of people … I guarantee you will be mortified.)
Please adhere to the above mentioned guidelines promptly to avoid me laying the smack down on your vulgar ass.
Love, D.
Hmph. So what you are saying is, that I am too old to be vulgar? NEVAH! I get it though. If I want my kids to grow up with more tack than I have, I need to put a mild cork in it. Fine. Fine D. You win this time. But let me get drunk enough around NO KIDS or POLICE or BOUNCERS. SAY I WONT GOD DAMNIT!
Also, along with the not being tough admittance for this Honest Tuesday … I will confess a little about my non-toughness. I am sure all of you beezos will get a big fat kick out of it too.
1) I cry at that one State Farm Commercial where a young M.J. is singing “I’ll Be There” at the very beginning. Every. Single. Time. Single tear styles.
2) When Xavier and Charli hug one another, I cry. Like a baby.
3) I cry at chick flicks.
4) Puppies and kitties melt my heart. So do babies. And love. And sentimental gestures. And poetry. And corny pop songs. Sometimes I cry about one or more of these things.
5) I cry after really great sex.
6) I like to do stupid things for people I like. For instance, every Valentines Day, I buy the little Valentine cards and leave them on my co-workers desks. Or I bring the ladies in my life daisies. Or I draw love notes on the fog in the bathroom for X or D to tell them that I love them when they get out of the shower.
See? Not tough. I am a big fucking sap actually.
Shhhh. No one can ever know this secret about me. Keep it between us, K?
What is your Honest Tuesday Confession???
What turns you off about the opposite sex?
What country would you like to visit most? Why?
Would you give a homeless person CPR?
Tags: fight, honesty, marriage, memo, Parenting, road rage, tough, tuesdays, vulgar
Pillow Talk — 4
Oct 7, 2009 This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, Yum... or Lack There Of., pillow talk
Me: “Ellen page sounds like a rock star name.”
D “Yeah it does. i was gonna say that or a
old white lady name.”
Me: “An old white lady porn name?”
D “Why is it always about the porn with you? I was thinking about old white lady actress names and here you go with the porn.”
Me: “Like you never think about porn.”
D: “This isn’t about me. Old white lady names: Meryl Streep. Janice Dickenson, Jane Fonda.”
Me: “All very well could have been porn names.”
D: “You are wrong and you know it.”
Me: “Whatever I am right in my calling out of the old white lady porn names.”
Long Long Lonnnnnnnnnnnnng Pause.
Me rapping: “Playin workout tapes by Fonda! But Fonda aint got a motor in the back of her Honda!”
————————————————————————————————————-
(after hearing a moaning coming from the kitchen.)
Me: “What in the hell are you doing in there?”
D: “Nothing.”
Me: “You are scratching your balls, arent you?”
D: “Maybe.”
Me: “At the same time as making the cookies?”
D: “Maybe.”
Me: “OMG GROSS.”
D: “What? I haven’t opened the package yet.”
Me: “Wash your hands before touching the dough D.”
(insert long silence)
Me: “Omg. Are you still scratching your balls?”
D “It was the last scratch I swear.”
Me: “Er …”
D: “That was the best ball scratching session ever.”
Me: “Uh …”
D: “My balls are still tingling as we speak.”
Me: “Er …”
D: “It feels like a million kittens licking my balls.”
Me: “Wow …”
(insert long pause #2 before D walks out of the kitchen, mixing bowl in hand.)
Me: “D!!”
D: “What!?”
Me: “YOU DIDN’T WASH YOUR HANDS!”
D: “Uh?!”
Me: “GOWASHYOURHANDSTHISINSTANT.”
D: “I wasn’t even really scratching my balls just then. I was kidding!”
Me: “Really?!”
D: “I WASN’T!”
Me: “You are so god damn nasty.”
D: “You are blogging this, aren’t you?”
Me: “Really?!”
Have you ever met a famous person?
Which do you prefer, sunrises or sunsets?
Tags: baking cookies, ball scratcher, hand washing, marriage
Pillow Talk – 3
Sep 30, 2009 Etc., Masturbate-able, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, love, pillow talk
I jacked this idea from Lilu … so I gotta always show her some love. If you don’t read … you should.
D: “We are doing it tonight and I am not taking no for an answer.”
Me: “Wow. You are so romantic.”
D: “How could I make it sound more romantic?”
Me: “I don’t think it is possible to be any more romantic than that.”
D: “What if I said making love?”
Me: “Um no. This isn’t Days of Our Lives.”
D “Like sands thru the hourglass…”
Me: “You are such a cliche housewife.”
D: “Am not.”
Me: Really? Um … stories? Um … ice cream?”
D: “I do NOT watch stories.”
Me: “90210?”
D: “Shhhhh!!!”
Me: “Mmmhm.”
The next day:
D: “You fucking fell asleep!”
Me: “I didn’t say no.”
D: “That is some bullshit.”
Me: “Whatever. Me being asleep hasn’t stopped you before.”
D: (creepy laugh) “heheheheeheeehehe”
Me: “Exxxxxxactly. You missed the opportunity.”
D: “Fine.”
Me: “Did I just give you the green light to sleep fuck me?”
D: “NO TAKEBACKS!”
Me: “What are you, 5?”
D: “5 inches from the ground maybe.”
Me: “why do we even have conversations?”
D: “Blog material.”
Me: “I am again reminded that I love you.”
What tv sitcom parents would you have wanted if you had to pick?
Tags: conversation, marriage, pillow talk
