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So Yeah … THAT Happened

Mar 14, 2010 Current Events, Etc., Family, Friendship, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, Yum... or Lack There Of.

*Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn*

I had an interesting weekend. Tarable was kind enough to let us use her truck for the bazillionth time to go and do and get the crap out of the house on Saturday which was an awesome thing to do. (I cannot WAIT to go car shopping pee ess so I can go do what I want when I want to)

D’s awesome uncle came to visit for a couple of days from California. That man is not only an inspiration but one of the most animated people I have ever met. He had me cracking up from the minute he arrived until he left. It had been a few years since we had seen him.

I enjoy seeing others so excited about where I live. I swear I should double as a Seattle tour guide. I get giddy when I get to show someone something cool about my stomping grounds.

I went to a Tupperware party. Yeah. THAT happened.

It was awesome. Tupperware is fucking AWESOME. What in the crap is up with the level of Tupperware Awesomeness? Why was I not aware of it prior to? I mean, I knew. But I didn’t KNOW. Ya know?

So, being that Tupperware and I share a common interest … AWESOMENESS … I have made the decision to host a party. Where it will go from there …? I dunno but I am gonna see if it works out.

Oh and PS I had some bomb goodies at said party.

I also had a JagerBomb. Yeah. THAT happened too.

I suck at Red Bull. Actually, Red Bull sucks. It is soooo not awesome.

I also witnessed the funniest shit while out.

1) Eyefucking. Why do people eyefuck another person when they are obviously in a relationship? And by obvious, I mean standing right next to the person they are eyefucking? I mean really? And by obvious, I may or may not mean behind the back of the person whom the eyefuck-ee is with.

This goes back to me being classified as “The One” when I am in fact not. I don’t know where you are from but that is grounds for an old school hair pulling beat down.

Look. I have eyefucked with the best of them. I have eyefucked WHILE married, and I know for a fact D has too on several occasions. But I am not the one to be all desperate and blatant and try to eyefuck my way past the bitch you are with. No way no how.

I refuse to be the bitch that MoKenStef sings about. Or sang about. <--- Yeah THAT happened just now.

2) When we went to Dick’s for the late night infamous cheeseburger … An out of towner drunkenly stumbled up to where you order.
(A tid-bit of info here in case you don’t know: Dick’s is a walk up cheeseburger joint in WA state. You have 4 different burgers to choose from. Fries and 3 different kinds of shakes. That’s it. No special orders. Nothin.)

The following conversation happened in front of my face.

Drunk Girl: (to strange dorky guy) “I am drunk and from Chicago. Can you tell me what is good here?”
Me: *Snort*
Dorky Guy: “Uhhh… a cheeseburger?!”
Drunk Girl: “Can I try a bite of yours to see if that is what I want to order?”
Me: (to D) “Is this bitch for real right now?”
D: *shaking head*
Drunk Girl: (Not allowing dorky guy to even say no, takes a monster bite of his cheeseburger)
Me: (to D) “Did she really —?”
D: “She sho did.”
Drunk Girl: “I have had better cheeseburgers. That kinda sucked.”

Yeah. THAT happened. That bitch ate 1/3 of this strange guy’s burger and then clowned it.

And that is that.

How was your weekend?

What two things have you done in your life that you are most proud of?
What feeling do you have the most difficulty expressing?

Tags: jager, red bull, tupperware

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Mar 12, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friday Eye Candy, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch, love

Jesus I am elated that the weekend is upon us. WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

So, without further ado … It is time for some motherfucking open letters.

First, we have a guest letter:

Dear Penis that thinks something happened,

My vagina is wondering what you THINK you did, because we are confused and feeling untouched and disappointed. We have decide mutually, that you are fired.

sincerely, HM

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Dear You,

Heh at the fact that you know who wrote the above letter. You are welcome. *grin*

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Dear D,

I don’t know how else to tell you how proud I am of you. You know why.

The you that you are right now is the best you ever and I love you so very much.

Especially all of the sex.

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Dear Tarable,

Gah sometimes. And then I remember that you are always gonna be you and I love you for that. I just wish that you would freaking listen.

Then again, I was there. I did me and learned the way I wanted to learn.

So, I will just love you.

I love you.

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Dear Self,

You are starting to get it and it feels rad.

Stay focused. Stay focused. It is not a far shot to remain on track for the end goal. You are gonna achieve it, and then you and D are gonna have a trip of a fucking lifetime.

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Dear KenAdams,

Keep dreaming.

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Dear Numbah1,

You are gonna be so great at adulthood. Stop worrying so much.

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Dear WorkDouche,

Shut the hell up already. When are you gonna get the hint that your shit in fact DOES stink? You are annoying and I am not interested in being your friend.

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Dear Girls Trip,

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Dear June 14th,

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Dear Tricky,

I cannot freaking wait to high 5 you for being literally as awesome as me. We are awesome sisters.

I am so proud of you. I am in awe of the challenges that you not only faced, but fucking Chuck Norrised to get to where you are today.

You deserve all the love in the world. Every single ounce.

*cheers*

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Dear Unknown Pranker,

Fuck your face. Seriously. Prank calls? Breathing in the phone? Really? Are you 17? What kind of coward ass bitch are you to call my phone 4-6 times in a day and breathe in the receiver.

You need help. Or me to whoop your ass. Come out of the woodwork you fucking sloppy vagina.

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Dear Spam Commenters,

GEOUFHERE. Gah.

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Dear Charli,

You are almost a diaperless toddler! Woot! Mommy is proud of you. Next task: Sleeping in your own mfing bed all night.

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Now for some eye candy:

Fantastic Four’s Chris Evans

And Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks

Now it is your turn: Purge your weeks so you can thoroughly enjoy your weekend.

Tags: chris evans, christina hendricks, fantastic four, mad men

Cuz Mommy Says Eat

Mar 9, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage.

So the question has been directed my way…

“How do you retrain the wheel… in the oral department… when the other person just isn’t as into it as you would like them to be??”

Specifically referring to “dining out”.

I call this oralsexophobia.

When it comes to oral, there really isn’t a retraining. I think oral sex is like sushi. You either like it or you don’t. It isn’t really an acquired taste/talent/fetish. I know several men who just do not prefer to put their face in-between ANYONES legs. I don’t care if you have the prettiest most famous vagina on the planet. They just are not gonna go there. On the flip-side, I know several women who not only refuse to suck a cock… but DEMAND to have their coochie knife and forked regularly.

Um. What?

Granted, I haven’t been a regular Blow Job Betty lately… (not because I am not in a giving mood by any means..) and usually the snatch to cock ratio favors my pleasure… but I don’t demand head if I am not willing to reciprocate.

“So,” you ask… ” what am I supposed to do if I want it, and he/she just doesn’t want to give it?”

There are many different layers to this loaded question.

1:Are YOU giving oral with no reciprocation?

If yes, I would stop. Period. Give ‘No McOral’ a taste of their own medicine. Why should you be the only one giving presents. (yes, I understand that most of us who DO give oral, actually enjoy doing so… however it is absolutely unethical to have Mr. Man in ElBoat-o stranded in lake neglect when Penis McBall is being coddled like a 7 month old infant.)

2- Have you talked to Neglector 2010 about their oralsexophobia?

If you haven’t, PLEASE do. Find out why. Talk about your needs. Tell them how important it is to you to not only receive it, but to give it as well. Explain why it is important in your sex life. Communication is SO key in any relationship. ESPECIALLY the sexual part.

3 If N-2010 is not receptive to your needs, and cannot get past whatever it is that turns them off………

Then you as the needy one, has to decide exactly the level of importance oral sexcapades are to you.

Personally, I would tell D to go take a long walk. I absolutely MUST be the main course on a regular basis. I need frequent stimulation. Period. Need it. Like life or fucking death. There is nothing better than a fantastic tongue fucking related o-face.

Dining out, in my opinion, is more than just a luxury. It is as important as cock penetration. Period. If your ball-and-chain cant get it together… I would tell them to kick rocks, OR find someone who WILL do it on the side.

On a side minirant…. if I catch wind of another bitch that doesn’t swallow…. I am going to fucking scream. Giving head and not at least letting him cum INSIDE your face is like giving him a hot fudge Sunday without the fudge. If you don’t want to digest his seed, fine. But don’t make him tell you when he is about to cum so you can move out of firing range.

He.Might.As.Well.Whack.Off.

Nothing irritates me more than a half-assed Betty. DON’T give them then. DON’T get a mans hopes up and then shaft him at the end.

DON’T make us full BJ givers look bad. We give 110 percent, so you need to as well.

K? K.

Thoughts on oral? Do you dine out?

IF you were to name the emotion that you waste the most time on, what would it be?
Name five songs to which you know all the lyrics.

Tags: blow job betty, cunningulus, fellatio, oral sex

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Mar 4, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, Ranteriffic, Relationships, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch

OMG I am so happy that it is Friday.

You know the drill. Purge your weeks in open letter forum so that you can fully enjoy your weekends.

Dear D,

Okay.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Zac,

Remember when I performed “Sideways” as if I were E-40?

Heh.

When “It Aint No Fun” is performed, I am going to perform it as if it were my song that I wrote. Word for word. Annunciation for Annunciation.

Prepare to be impressed.

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Dear D,

My vagina officially has a password on it. Might wanna start looking or new porn because after 3 failed attempts, you are locked out indefinitely. i.e. fuck off you sneaky sonofabitch.

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Dear Tomorrow,

I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED. Like if excited had a password, it would be “SNOOP”. If Snoop had a password it would be “MY TITS IN YOUR FACE”

You cannot come quick enough.

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Dear Tarable,

Be careful what you wish for.

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Dear D,

For someone who is trying to not be that guy, you are really being that guy.

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Dear Vagina,

You need your cobwebs swept.

Love, Kim

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Dear Mom,

Why don’t you call the firing squad in Oregon to get your irresponsible son on the phone. I am not his fucking keeper. I am sorry that he is avoiding you; I did what I could. Stop calling me eleventy million times every day about it. I did my part.

I love you but gaaaaaaaaah geoufmyface.

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Dear You,

Kick rocks to Panama City and then do something with this:

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Dear PL,

Dont front like you want this when you really cannot handle it.

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Dear IamgladInevermetyou,

You are a horrible, selfish, 2faced, childish human being. You have zero idea what friendship is or what it even means. I am so glad I never met you.

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Dear Life,

Why are you so complicated?

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Dear Fat,

Fuck off and fall off.

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Dear Self,

You did it! Now all you need to do is work on repeating it every month. You aren’t gonna be the one with the fluke one time success. You have to apply that success to everything that you do.

Next stop — Hawaii!

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Dear Fake Bitch,

I know what you think of me. I know that you are jealous. The problem is that it is all you. You are jealous because you are jealous … not because I ever did anything to you. I have just been myself and tried extremely hard to form some kind of commonality with you. I cannot help it if you are an insecure person. I cannot help it if you struggle with yourself and your own success/happiness.

What you need to do is stop blaming the world for your own shortcomings.

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Now for some much needed eye candy:

British Rugby star Jonny Wilkinson

Annnnnnnnnd the beautiful Monica Bellucci…

Your turn. Let it out. You know you wanna.

Tags: Friday Eye Candy, jonny wilkinson, monica bellucci, open letter

Pillow Talk — 7

Mar 2, 2010 Current Events, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, pillow talk

Yo! Yo! Yo!

I always give love to Ms. Lilu for inspiring my Pillow Talk blogs because she posts The Shiz My Boyfriend Says. And I love her so you should read her. Word?

(while watching SNL…)

Me: “Jlo is both the artist and the guest?”
D: “I dunno…”
Me: “What in the hell is she singing tonight?”
D: “I think she sings some mexi stuff.”
Me: “Mexi stuff? Really?”
D: “You know what I meant.”
Me: “So racist.”
D: “Yeah. That’s me. A closet racist.”
Me: “Like mexi fries? Mexi melt?”
D: “Shutup.”

(20 minutes later …)

Me: “Damn Jlo has ass.”
D: “Somethin’ has to make up for her lack of voice.”
Me: “Seriously. Enrique Iglasias needs to tell his wife about herself because dude. She sounds like a dying cat.”
D: (laughing)
Me: “What?”
D: “Jlo’s husband is not named Enrique.”
Me: “Huh?”
D: “You called Jlo’s husband Enrique Iglasias.”
Me: “Oh whatever. Enrique Iglasias … Mark Anthony … sounds the same to me.”
D: “The names sound absolutely nothing alike.”
Me: “You know what I meant!”
D: “You are the closet racist, not me.”
Me: “Wow.”

(in response to a discussion about a husband wanting an “exercise pole” in the house against his wifes will)

Me: “Any man that wants a stripper pole in the house and the wife doesn’t … that just screams infidelity.”
D: “He SAID it was an exercise pole.”
Me: “It is an infidelity pole.”
D: “I am gonna put a stripper pole in the man cave.”
Me: “You have a motherfucking death wish.”
D: “I have hella seating.”
Me: “I will kill you.”
D: “There are tools down there to install it.”
Me: “You are joking.”
D: “There are MIRRORS down there.”
Me: “There will be no pole ala stripper in my house.”
D: “That is why the man cave is in the garage now.”
Me: “Die.”
D: “I am just saying. OH! There is MUSIC out there too!!!!!”
Me: “I am going to poison you.”
D: “Babe, it is all for you.”
Me: “Yeah because I am gonna walk out to the “Man Cave” and use the fucking stripper pole.”
D: “Why cant we have one?”
Me: “We can have one when we have our own wing in our house.”
D: “Really?”
Me: “Yep. Because if we have a pole, we need a swing and one of those rocking chair dong ride thingies.”
D: “I really love you.”
Me: “Duh.”

If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, which song would you choose?
If you were asked to choose which time you would like to live in, which century would you choose?

Tags: love, marriage, pillow talk, Relationships

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Feb 25, 2010 All Things Charli, All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail

Happy Friday!!!!!!!!

You know the drill … purge your week out here in open letter form so you can go thoroughly enjoy your weekend!

Dear Sex,

I love you. I missed you.

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Dear Charli,

I am so proud of you for potty-ing, even though you really are fighting it. You are growing up so fast, and as much as I want you to stay my little baby bear Charli face … it is a necessary evil.

I love you.

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Dear Self,

See!? You pulled it off! You walk in the door every day and fight with your own self about having the ability to pull a big deal off, and you fucking killed it.

42K? Really!? That is insane and motherfucking awesome. Now just remember that you can on every call and they will buy something. Because they will.

Stop being your own worst enemy. Knock it the hell off.

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Dear You,

I hate your face. I really really do.

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Dear Friends,

You rocked my world last weekend. Like, ROCKED it. I will never ever forget that. Thanks for being such amazing people. I am constantly floored at the fact that so many people in my life are so god damned amazing. It is something that was sparse for a long long time, and to be surrounded by so many great people is awe inspiring.

I love you all. EXCEPT FOR YOU.

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Dear D,

I am so proud of you for coming home and rocking it. You are a great dad and you are the glue that holds our entire household together. I wish you were more aware of it.

We are gonna tackle the obstacles in front of us. Alllllllllll of them. And in the end, our family will be that much stronger than before.

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Dear Xavier,

Please please please get it together. I just want to love you. I just want to spend time with you. I miss my good little man so much that it hurts my heart to have this dynamic with you.

If you think that this is what I want our relationship to be you are high.

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Dear Mom and Dad,

You 2 are my hero’s. I love you so much.

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Dear Verizon Employee Bitch,

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you.

You obviously do not have a clue. You must think that 1) I am the fucking ONE (which I am not) 2) that you are soooooooooooo fucking collections smart (which you arent) and 3) that I am not going to get over on your fucking stupid scripted ass.

I know all of the tricks. ALL OF THEM. I bet I get my way.

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Dear Collectors,

Watch when you call my phone and the VM is now for Alicia. Alicia = I will pay you when I have the money so stop motherfucking calling me 234645768654756098-=754 times a day.

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Dear Motivation and Will Power,

You need to get it together. You have come this far to not fuck it all up and gain some weight back. 15 pounds to go. THAT IS IT. Just handle biz and fucking own the final stretch.

=================================================================================================

And for some eye candy… Julian McMahon …

Annnnnnnnnd … Salma Hayek

Your turn. Do it.

Tags: Friday Eye Candy, julian mcmahaon, salma hayek, YGWM

Pillow Talk – 6 (Valentine’s Day Edition)

Feb 14, 2010 Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, love, pillow talk

Happy Monday!

I jacked this idea from Lilu … “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says” so I gotta always show her some love. If you don’t read … you should.

It took a little bit of an adjustment period for me to have the opportunity to gather material for these weekly installments, but now that D is on a roll … we are in business.

D: (laying in bed) “Why don’t you come over here and let me pound your pee flaps?”
Me: “My what?!”
D: “Your pee flaps. You know … where you pee … the flaps …”
Me: “Um. I get it but really?”
D: “What can I say. I am a total romantic.”

(10 minutes later)

Me: “Does your hip still hurt old man?”
D: “No. But something else does.”
Me: “What?”
D: “The tip.”
Me: “The tip of what?”
D: “Heh.”
Me: “Is this your creative way of asking me for a blow job right now?”
D: “It is neglected. That is all I am saying.”
Me: (touching it) “Does it hurt right here?”
D: (fake ass whimpering) “Yeaaaahhh”
Me: “Oh wooooooowww right now.”

(ticktockticktockticktock)

Me: “You didn’t use my Dove bar to wash your balls did you?”
D: “No I did not.”
Me: “Speaking of your balls right now…”
D: “You want to put them in your mouth?”
Me: “Pretty sure I just did. And being that I did, I think you should shave them.”
D: (looking)
Me: “You have 70’s porn star balls.”
D: “I am offended.”
Me: “No I am offended. You have 70’s porn star afro balls. Shave them.”
D: “No! They just need a trim!”
Me: “A BIC maybe!”

(same night … as I am dozing off I get a tap on the shoulder. …)

D: “psssssst. Babe.”
Me: “What?!’
D: “I am gonna jump out of a big cake on your birthday this year.”

Me: “That kinda defeats the purpose of it being a surprise if you tell me about it beforehand.”
D: “I am gonna be all oiled up in a banana hammock covered in glitter.”
Me: “Glitter? Really?”
D: “No! I meant sequins! Not glitter!”
Me: “Because sequins are way more manly.”
D: “Anyway, I think I will jump out of a box. Not a cake. A cake would be messier. I am going to jump out, all oiled up … like I said and drop it while its hot … all while professing my love for you.”
Me: “What is up with this sudden profession of love?”
D: “This isn’t sudden!”
Me: “It’s the BJ isn’t it.”
D: “NO! Well … yeah … I mean our love is the icing on the cake.”
Me: “Wow.”
D: “And the sprinkles.”
Me: “Really? You are a piece of work.”
D: “At least I am not a piece of shit. I would rather be a piece of meat.”
Me: “You are my piece of meat baby.”
D: “Did I mention that when I pop up out of this box, I will be wearing tear away chaps and a vest?”
Me: “Uhhhhh… I think you should not do that.”
D: “No?”
Me: “No. Our life is not a walking YMCA Village People music video.”
D: ” I love you.”
Me: “You just love my BJ’s.”

Would you rather eat a scorpion or lick a cactus?

Would you rather have 7 toes or have 7 fingers?

Tags: 1970's, dove, pillow talk, valentines day, village people, ymca

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Feb 12, 2010 All Things Charli, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Random, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail

Happy Motherfucking Friday! I am ready for the weeeeeeeeeeeeekend. How about you?

Alright folks. You know what time it is… Purge your weeks in open letter format so you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekend!!!!!!!

Dear Hallmark Holiday,

Thank you for letting me be alone on yet again another stupid holiday surrounded by all the couples with their stupid coupleness.

I get that I am a fuck up this year. But really, 5 years in a row? What did I ever do to you?

I might as well buy 19 cats and a Costo case of frosting and a pair of elastic wasted poly-cotton blend pants that are too short so it looks like I am waiting for a flood while wearing some crocks.

Put me on the people of walmart website or out of my misery.

Love Tarable

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Dear TaraJean,

I know that technically you are alone for this stupid Hallmark holiday … but you are surrounded by 4 people who love the shit out of you. So really, you have 4 Valentines instead of none.

We love you.

The Georges
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Dear You,

Hmmmmm….

———————————————————————————————————————————-
Dear PuttingByMyDesk,

Find a new fucking isle.

I am not trying to be Debbie Downer or anything but GEOUFHERE.

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear PS3

I am sorry that we don’t spend that much QT together.

Love, D

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Dear Negative Ass, GHETTO, Crotchety High Maintenance MotherFucking Owners,

You and I both know that the reason you have a motherfucking attitude problem when I call you is because your broke as a joke asses cannot afford the dream picture that I EXCITEDLY paint for you on a daily motherfucking basis.

Dont be mad at me because you live in a double wide that is rotting from the outside and when you go to our LUXURIOUS MOTHERFUCKING CONDOS you are reminded of the trashyness that you possess.

GET A MOTHERFUCKING ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT AND BUY SOME MOTHERFUCKING CREDITS SO I CAN RING THE BELLLLLLLLLLL.

Love Wicked.

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Dear New NameDropping Bitch,

No one cares who you know. No one cares that you drive a Lexus. No one cares that you have a heritage. No one cares how much sales experience you have. No one cares about your ugly ass fake ass clip on hair thing that you bought from the kiosk in Alderwood. No one cares. No one.

I dont know who the fuck you think you are being the new bitch telling your bosses that you are bored and that you are gonna go home. Furthermore, we go to lunch for FOURTY FIVE MINUTES … not an hour and FOURTY FIVE MINUTES.

Your shit smells just like the rest of ours.

TarablyWicked

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Dear NewFuck,

You are a piece of motherfucking work. I promise you that if anyone is above the rules in this department … it for sure is not you. You don’t know people. WE KNOW PEOPLE. So your over explitave, brown nosing, hat wearing, think you know the inside joke of all inside jokes motherfucking ass needs to check yourself. Because there was a before you … and there will be an after you.

Bet that.

TarablyWicked

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Dear Dr,

Thank you for confirming that I am not as fat as I was. It is now official that I am 36 pounds lighter. However, fuck you and your scraping. It was not comfortable or fun or awesome. In fact it was the exact opposite of awesome.

Furthermore, I will thank you for telling me that I didn’t have to come back for 3 whole years. It ALMOST made the scraping worth it. Almost.

Also, thanks for the comedy while molesting my boobs.

Love TarablyWicked

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Dear Mya,

I wanna say sorry and that you are my best friend.

Love Charli

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Dear D,

You have been motherfucking OFF ONE. I think that I know why. It is because you have little to no contact with adults.

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Dear Pedicures and Haircuts,

THANK MOTHERFUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Dear Exercise,

I am working you back in. I didn’t forget about you. Not one bit. I really really really miss you.

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Charli,

Use the potty. Thanks.

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And now for some Eye Candy…

Dwayne Johnson ….

Annnnnnnnnd Alicia Keys.

Alright folks… let it out. You know you have at least one fucker to vent about open letter styles.

Tags: alicia keys, dwayne johnson, hallmark, open letter, valentines day

Guess What’s Back … Back Again? Pillow Talk … Tell a Friend

Feb 7, 2010 Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, pillow talk

Happy Monday! Guess who won the Superbowl? Psh like I give a fauxck.

I have had some emails wondering why there have been no Pillow Talk blogs as of late. Not to be a sarcastic cunt or anything but I guess I am wondering how Pillow Talk would be possible when the person (D) on the other pillow is not around to share a conversation with.

Just saying.

So, for your enjoyment, here are some recent conversation between the infamous D and myself.

(This convo took place after last weekend’s shenanigans where some random douchebag thought my name was Nicole … and all of my LOVELY friends played into it by screaming “NIKKI” as I attempted to drunkenly convince him that my name was NOT in fact Nicole or Nikki)

D: “Whatever Nikki.”
Me: “You must want to get stabbed.”
D: “I must admit, you could pull off Nikki if you really wanted to.”
Me: “Is that right?”
D: “Yeah. I mean, Nikki is a slutty name. And well … you are kinda slutty.”
Me: (Pondering)
D: “And, I mean Nikki is a bitchy name too. Like ‘I cant STAND that bitch Nikki.”
Me: “You just have it all figured out, don’t you?”
D: “Hey. I am not the one who thought your name was Nikki. I am just saying. If the slutty shoe fits… call her Nikki.”
Me: “I am going to murder you.”

Approximately 10 minutes later…

Me: “You have to wake me up at 7:30 tomorrow.”
D: “What am I, your personal alarm clock?”
Me: “You are my personal more than that and you know it.”
D: “Psh.”
Me: “Mmmmmhm. That is why you answered like that. Cause you know.”
Me: “7:30. Alright? And you better wake me up nicely.”
D: “I know how I am gonna wake you up. HehHehHeh.”
Me: “NO! I am NOT A MORNING PERSON GOD DAMNIT!”
D: “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”
Me: “Really? Have we just met?”
D: “What I was GONNA say was I would just wake Charli up early and let HER deal with your non-morning person ass.”
Me: “That would be stupid on your part.”
D: “Why?”
Me: “Because she isn’t a morning person either and I will be getting ready for work, so you will have to deal with her bratty ass.”
D: “Fuuuuck.”
Me: “Yep. Better stick to just waking me up nicely.”
D: “Thisdick.”
Me: “You are a 6th grader.”
D: “Deeeeeeznuttts.”
Me: “I often find myself questioning why I even talk to you.”

Because he takes care of me so well when I am sick…

Me: “I feel like shit right now. My throat and ears feel like sandpaper on the inside.”
D: (smirking)
Me: “I wish I could shove my hands down my throat and scratch them. Blah!”
D: “I think I might have a cure for that itch.”
Me: “Idontwantit.”
D: “I am just trying to help you scratch the deepest parts of your throat baby.”
Me: “I swear to Christ I hate you.”
D: “Why such hatred? Here I am fixing the problem and you are so ungrateful.”
Me: “Whatever.”
D: “Fine. Don’t come crying to me when your throat still itches. That is, unless you have made the decision to allow me to *ahem* scratch that itch.”
Me: “Idontwantit!”
D: “Such ungratefulness these days.”

Would you rather fight Mike Tyson, or permanently talk like him?
If you had to assassinate one famous person still living, who would it be and how would you do it?

Tags: love, marriage, mike tyson, pillow talk, superbowl

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Jan 22, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., Family, Friday Eye Candy, P.O.E. Biz, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail

WAZZZZZZZZUP!!!!!!!!!!! TGIMFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No bullshit, I am 1) Glad that it is Friday. 2) Glad that it is the weekend. 3) Glad that it is Open Letter FUCKING FRIDAY!

Dear New Piercing(s),

Fucking HEAL already.

Love Tarable & Wicked

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Dear D,

Bllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (breath) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (breath)
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Fine. Fucking fine. FINE.

Courtni.

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Dear Stupid Boy,

You are fucking STUPID. I just wanted to you to know.

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Dear JWow and Snook’s,

We are your West Coast soul sistahs. We would beat any bitches ass or even a dudes if he pressed the right buttons. It is like the East and West ATeam. Or really the Bteam. B= Bitches.

Yeeeeah.

Tarably Wicked.

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Dear Jamie,

If the open letter isn’t signed … then I wrote it.

Love Wicked.

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Dear Tarable,

I gotcho back. Always.

Love, Your Bestie

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Dear Jersey Shore,

Why are you so addicting?!

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Dear You,

I appreciate you. Love you, mean it.

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Dear Emotions,

Why? Why do you have to come out at the most inopportune time? Why do you have tear ducts? Like at work when you are looking at yourself in the mirror … or when you are talking to your bestie and she realizes that you are crying and she asks you as you are crying and when she asks you, you cry harder? Why ruin your makeup? Why?

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Dear Friday’s,

We have 60 of you that are just to ourselves. We vow to do really awesome stuff together and without boys or kids or drama filled people. Just us. A bestfrienddate.

Love TarablyWicked

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Dear 2/12,

You have been scheduled as our bestfriendvalentinesdayfridaydate. We are gonna kick it and get drunk and watch a funny movie. The end of that.

TarablyWicked

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Dear Snookin for Love,

Really?!

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Dear Credits,

Fucking get bought. K?!

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Dear Self,

You are good enough. You are going to be successful. You will make President’s Club. Why? Because. You are not average. You work your ass off everyday. You are TRYING.

It will will will will will will pay off.

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Dear Charli,

GET OUT OF MY PERSONAL SPACE.

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Dear Carbs,

Fuck the hell offfffffffffffffff. FUCK OFF.

TarablyWicked

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Dear Old Man,

I get that you are grumpy because you haven’t eaten dinner. I bet your dinner involves complex carbohydrates. Guess what?! Mine doesn’t and I am just as cranky if not more.

Fuck you stupid owner david.

Tarable.

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Dear Ken Adams,

Fuck. Seriously, the thin line is getting thinner by the moment.

Regina Philange
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Dear Hungry,

We legitimately hate you.

TarablyWicked

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Dear Girls Trip,

Its GONNA HAPPEN.