YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Mar 4, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, Ranteriffic, Relationships, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch
OMG I am so happy that it is Friday.
You know the drill. Purge your weeks in open letter forum so that you can fully enjoy your weekends.
Dear D,
Okay.
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Dear Zac,
Remember when I performed “Sideways” as if I were E-40?
Heh.
When “It Aint No Fun” is performed, I am going to perform it as if it were my song that I wrote. Word for word. Annunciation for Annunciation.
Prepare to be impressed.
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Dear D,
My vagina officially has a password on it. Might wanna start looking or new porn because after 3 failed attempts, you are locked out indefinitely. i.e. fuck off you sneaky sonofabitch.
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Dear Tomorrow,
I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED. Like if excited had a password, it would be “SNOOP”. If Snoop had a password it would be “MY TITS IN YOUR FACE”
You cannot come quick enough.
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Dear Tarable,
Be careful what you wish for.
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Dear D,
For someone who is trying to not be that guy, you are really being that guy.
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Dear Vagina,
You need your cobwebs swept.
Love, Kim
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Dear Mom,
Why don’t you call the firing squad in Oregon to get your irresponsible son on the phone. I am not his fucking keeper. I am sorry that he is avoiding you; I did what I could. Stop calling me eleventy million times every day about it. I did my part.
I love you but gaaaaaaaaah geoufmyface.
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Dear You,
Kick rocks to Panama City and then do something with this:
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Dear PL,
Dont front like you want this when you really cannot handle it.
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Dear IamgladInevermetyou,
You are a horrible, selfish, 2faced, childish human being. You have zero idea what friendship is or what it even means. I am so glad I never met you.
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Dear Life,
Why are you so complicated?
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Dear Fat,
Fuck off and fall off.
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Dear Self,
You did it! Now all you need to do is work on repeating it every month. You aren’t gonna be the one with the fluke one time success. You have to apply that success to everything that you do.
Next stop — Hawaii!
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Dear Fake Bitch,
I know what you think of me. I know that you are jealous. The problem is that it is all you. You are jealous because you are jealous … not because I ever did anything to you. I have just been myself and tried extremely hard to form some kind of commonality with you. I cannot help it if you are an insecure person. I cannot help it if you struggle with yourself and your own success/happiness.
What you need to do is stop blaming the world for your own shortcomings.
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Now for some much needed eye candy:
British Rugby star Jonny Wilkinson
Annnnnnnnnd the beautiful Monica Bellucci…
Your turn. Let it out. You know you wanna.
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, jonny wilkinson, monica bellucci, open letter
Okay … Okay … You Got Me!
Feb 21, 2010 Family, Friendship, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love
Many of you who read this probably already know that Friday night was a planned surprise party to congratulate me on my recent accomplishment.
Having my book picked up by a publishing company (as I have said before and will say eleventy million times more I am sure) is hands down the biggest success of my life professionally. To date anyway.
If you were not privy to the information made public to everyone BUT me … and when I say everyone … I mean everrrrrrrryone. (You know who you are.) Tarable and Mrs. Good planned a surprise shindig. These beezos kept it from me for 2 whole weeks. D kept it from me for 2 whole weeks. Work people kept it from me for 2 whole weeks. And Tarable and I work together. I cannot even imagine keeping a 2 week secret from her.
They pulled it the fuck off. I officially give her the gangsterist best friend award and Mrs. Good the awesomeist best friend award.
So anyway, I got got. When I walked into the door, I was literally confused as to what was going on. Once I realized, I retracted back to my porch, door closed. WTF!
I got GOT!?!?!?! Me!? Really?! People don’t get me! I am always in the know, dammit! (i.e. the shit that is going through my head on my porch the 15 seconds prior to cussing Tarable out for being the co-contributor in my getting got in the first place.)
So I went back inside. And I was surrounded by about 20 people who I love and who love me back. My mom and dad came. My father in law … my boss and his awesome wife … who I consider to be great friends of mine. I knew that I was supported, but to walk into that amount of love was both overwhelming and fucking flat out amazing.
Amazing. No one has ever done anything like that for me before. I was, still am and will always be deeply touched.
The best part was that even though for many it was the first time each had met one another, they all laughed and dance and acted a fool as if they were all long lost friends. That made me feel really really great.
I am still in disbelief that I got GOT! 
Damn you sneaky bitches! This means war!
I joke. What I really mean is … Thank you all for being such amazing and supportive friends. I love you all more than you know.
And … it means WAR!!!!!!! *grin*
Would you rather catch your parents having sex or have your parents catch you having sex?
Would you rather date a “Mr. Fix-It” or a “Fantastic Cook.”?
Tags: Submissive Confessions, surprise party, war, would you rather
Honest Tuesday’s: Get Back on Track, Fattie!
Feb 15, 2010 Current Events, Honest Tuesday's, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Yum... or Lack There Of.
Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place where you can come and be totally honest about shit that you normally would not be honest about.
Sooooooooo… yeah. I have been completely off of my game diet-wise. an umpteen amount of Cheeseburgers, ice cream, chocolate … pizza … carbbbbbbbbbbbbbsssssssssssssss …
Sooooooooo… yeah. I haven’t worked out. Not a lick.
The deal is, I have maintained the weight loss that I have accomplished and I am proud as hell of myself about it. However, losing it doesn’t mean that it will stay off. It also doesn’t mean that just by losing weight that I am where I want to be with my body. I want tone arms and a somewhat flat tummy. I want to wear tank tops that don’t show off boobmeetsthearm fat.
I was on point for months. Then came the holiday’s.
It seemed to be the hardest when I started this 37 pound weight loss journey. Now I am finding it harder to restart. Especially knowing exactly how damn close I am to being where I want to be.
Saying it out loud is always the best thing for me. I am off track. So is my Tarable. And we (no pun intended) feed off of each other. So when she is focused … so am I. When I am off … so is she.
So here we are, 3 months-ish until summer. 3 months-ish until our Wine Country trip. 3 months-ish until boats
and bathing suits and sleeveless and laying out and mini skirts and shorts. 3 months. I am 15 pounds from it. that is only 5 pounds a month. 5 pounds and working out every single day. Not just for the weight part … but I know I will feel better every day. Working out always ties everything together.
Home, work and health.
So. I said it out loud. We are starting over, just as focused as we were almost a year ago at the beginning of the journey. It is almost as if we have come full circle. Only now it is finishing what we started … with almost the entire race behind us.
I am pretty stoked about that fact.
What do you need to be honest about this week?
Would you rather always get first dibs or the last laugh?
Would you rather eat a handful of hair or lick three public telephones?
Tags: diet, exercize, focus, goals, health, south beach, weight loss, work out
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Feb 12, 2010 All Things Charli, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Random, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail
Happy Motherfucking Friday! I am ready for the weeeeeeeeeeeeekend. How about you?
Alright folks. You know what time it is… Purge your weeks in open letter format so you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekend!!!!!!!
Dear Hallmark Holiday,
Thank you for letting me be alone on yet again another stupid holiday surrounded by all the couples with their stupid coupleness.
I get that I am a fuck up this year. But really, 5 years in a row? What did I ever do to you?
I might as well buy 19 cats and a Costo case of frosting and a pair of elastic wasted poly-cotton blend pants that are too short so it looks like I am waiting for a flood while wearing some crocks.
Put me on the people of walmart website or out of my misery.
Love Tarable
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Dear TaraJean,
I know that technically you are alone for this stupid Hallmark holiday … but you are surrounded by 4 people who love the shit out of you. So really, you have 4 Valentines instead of none.
We love you.
The Georges
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Dear You,
Hmmmmm….
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Dear PuttingByMyDesk,
Find a new fucking isle.
I am not trying to be Debbie Downer or anything but GEOUFHERE.
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Dear PS3
I am sorry that we don’t spend that much QT together.
Love, D
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Dear Negative Ass, GHETTO, Crotchety High Maintenance MotherFucking Owners,
You and I both know that the reason you have a motherfucking attitude problem when I call you is because your broke as a joke asses cannot afford the dream picture that I EXCITEDLY paint for you on a daily motherfucking basis.
Dont be mad at me because you live in a double wide that is rotting from the outside and when you go to our LUXURIOUS MOTHERFUCKING CONDOS you are reminded of the trashyness that you possess.
GET A MOTHERFUCKING ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT AND BUY SOME MOTHERFUCKING CREDITS SO I CAN RING THE BELLLLLLLLLLL.
K?
Love Wicked.
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Dear New NameDropping Bitch,
No one cares who you know. No one cares that you drive a Lexus. No one cares that you have a heritage. No one cares how much sales experience you have. No one cares about your ugly ass fake ass clip on hair thing that you bought from the kiosk in Alderwood. No one cares. No one.
I dont know who the fuck you think you are being the new bitch telling your bosses that you are bored and that you are gonna go home. Furthermore, we go to lunch for FOURTY FIVE MINUTES … not an hour and FOURTY FIVE MINUTES.
Your shit smells just like the rest of ours.
K?
TarablyWicked
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Dear NewFuck,
You are a piece of motherfucking work. I promise you that if anyone is above the rules in this department … it for sure is not you. You don’t know people. WE KNOW PEOPLE. So your over explitave, brown nosing, hat wearing, think you know the inside joke of all inside jokes motherfucking ass needs to check yourself. Because there was a before you … and there will be an after you.
Bet that.
TarablyWicked
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Dear Dr,
Thank you for confirming that I am not as fat as I was. It is now official that I am 36 pounds lighter. However, fuck you and your scraping. It was not comfortable or fun or awesome. In fact it was the exact opposite of awesome.
Furthermore, I will thank you for telling me that I didn’t have to come back for 3 whole years. It ALMOST made the scraping worth it. Almost.
Also, thanks for the comedy while molesting my boobs.
Love TarablyWicked
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Dear Mya,
I wanna say sorry and that you are my best friend.
Love Charli
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Dear D,
You have been motherfucking OFF ONE. I think that I know why. It is because you have little to no contact with adults.
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Dear Pedicures and Haircuts,
THANK MOTHERFUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Dear Exercise,
I am working you back in. I didn’t forget about you. Not one bit. I really really really miss you.
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Dear Charli,
Use the potty. Thanks.
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And now for some Eye Candy…
Dwayne Johnson ….
Annnnnnnnnd Alicia Keys.
Alright folks… let it out. You know you have at least one fucker to vent about open letter styles.
Tags: alicia keys, dwayne johnson, hallmark, open letter, valentines day
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Jan 22, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., Family, Friday Eye Candy, P.O.E. Biz, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail
WAZZZZZZZZUP!!!!!!!!!!! TGIMFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No bullshit, I am 1) Glad that it is Friday. 2) Glad that it is the weekend. 3) Glad that it is Open Letter FUCKING FRIDAY!
Dear New Piercing(s),
Fucking HEAL already.
Love Tarable & Wicked
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Dear D,
Bllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (breath) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (breath)
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Fine. Fucking fine. FINE.
Courtni.
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Dear Stupid Boy,
You are fucking STUPID. I just wanted to you to know.
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Dear JWow and Snook’s,
We are your West Coast soul sistahs. We would beat any bitches ass or even a dudes if he pressed the right buttons. It is like the East and West ATeam. Or really the Bteam. B= Bitches.
Yeeeeah.
Tarably Wicked.
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Dear Jamie,
If the open letter isn’t signed … then I wrote it.
Love Wicked.
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Dear Tarable,
I gotcho back. Always.
Love, Your Bestie
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Dear Jersey Shore,
Why are you so addicting?!
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Dear You,
I appreciate you. Love you, mean it. 
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Dear Emotions,
Why? Why do you have to come out at the most inopportune time? Why do you have tear ducts? Like at work when you are looking at yourself in the mirror … or when you are talking to your bestie and she realizes that you are crying and she asks you as you are crying and when she asks you, you cry harder? Why ruin your makeup? Why?
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Dear Friday’s,
We have 60 of you that are just to ourselves. We vow to do really awesome stuff together and without boys or kids or drama filled people. Just us. A bestfrienddate.
Love TarablyWicked
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Dear 2/12,
You have been scheduled as our bestfriendvalentinesdayfridaydate. We are gonna kick it and get drunk and watch a funny movie. The end of that.
TarablyWicked
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Dear Snookin for Love,
Really?!
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Dear Credits,
Fucking get bought. K?!
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Dear Self,
You are good enough. You are going to be successful. You will make President’s Club. Why? Because. You are not average. You work your ass off everyday. You are TRYING.
It will will will will will will pay off.
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Dear Charli,
GET OUT OF MY PERSONAL SPACE.
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Dear Carbs,
Fuck the hell offfffffffffffffff. FUCK OFF.
TarablyWicked
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Dear Old Man,
I get that you are grumpy because you haven’t eaten dinner. I bet your dinner involves complex carbohydrates. Guess what?! Mine doesn’t and I am just as cranky if not more.
Fuck you stupid owner david.
Tarable.
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Dear Ken Adams,
Fuck. Seriously, the thin line is getting thinner by the moment.
Regina Philange
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Dear Hungry,
We legitimately hate you.
TarablyWicked
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Dear Girls Trip,
Its GONNA HAPPEN.
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Dear Courtni,
You need to make a decision for yourself for once. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. You can never say that you didn’t try.
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And for some FRIDAY EYE CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!
First… Gerard Butler … YUMMMMMMM.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Minka Kelly ….
Now you go. Purge your weekend so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends!
Tags: 300, Friday Eye Candy, gerard butler, ken adams and regina philange, minka kelly
An Award annnnnnnnnd A LMFAO Conversation, Etc.
Jan 17, 2010 Etc., Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Yum... or Lack There Of.
Happy Monday Individuals!
I was given a really kick ass award from a new (to me) bloggerslashreader. You should add him to your readers because he is pretty awesome and I quite enjoy his blogs. I really have to give it up to Lilu as well for making the connection between us via TMIT’s every week. I don’t think that she is aware of the impact she has on connecting us bloggers on the interwebs.
The Award is the “Happy 101 Award” and the rules are as follows:
I have to list ten things that make me happy and I have to do one of them today. Then I have to pass the award on to ten other bloggers who I think are deserving. Now, ten things that make me happy:
(These things are in no particular order and I have bolded the ones I have done today.)
1. Masturbating. I could be having an unlimited amount of sex every single day of my life, but I still enjoy a good self-love session. Sometimes, I masturbate AFTER sex. Not because I didn’t get off … but because I fucking feel like it.
2. Blogging. Even if my blog is crap and I don’t have time to put thought into what it is for the day. Even if I don’t publish it … I must blog every single day.
3. Sex. Duh.
4. My ladies make me happy. Tarable, Rach, Squishy, Carol, Cass, Q, Tori, JonnaBonnana, Kim(s), Lirra, Sheesha, Leslie, Chrissie, Angie, Rosie, Chrissa … fuck I know I am forgetting a bitch or 2 but I know you will forgive me.
5. Accomplishing my goals. To know that I set something for myself and then push to make it happen … the best feeling ever.
6. My husband and my kids make me happy.
7. Sleeping in.
8. Reading a good book. Uninterrupted.
9. Making someone else laugh makes me happy.
10. Food makes me happy.
*BONUS*
11. A sexy fucking man makes me happy. Get naked and let me see the GOODS!
12. Shopping. Specifically bargain shopping. New stuff makes me happy.
I would like to recognize the following bloggers and give them the Happy 101 award. Because each of them make me happy every single day when I read their thoughts.
Squish @ Squishisms: Her view of the world makes me happy. Even when she is stabby. Actually MOSTLY when she is stabby.
Jaime @ Life Under Construction: She is hilarious to me. I enjoy her view of life.
MissTricky @ What Happens After: She is one of my oldest and dearest “internet friends”. Bes’ believe that we will be old bitties together one day. Face to Face styles.
Ms. Bethany @ Bethany’s World: She is who she is and says what she thinks in the most diplomatic way I have ever seen.
EroticaBitch @ Verbal Assassin: She is the most kick-assiest Army wife I have ever known.
Moog @ Mental Poo: He is just fucking hilar. Period.
Tori @ Dramatic Sigh: I don’t even have words for her fucking blogs sometimes.
Bradley @ A Jersey Kid: He used to be on a different blog which went on hiatus but is back ( I hope ) just in a different location. I missed him. He tops my favorite blog list ever in the history of blog lists.
Rosie @ Neurotic Ramblings: She is crazy as fuck but I love her. And when I say crazy, I mean it in the most complimentary way possible.
And last but definitely not least …
P.Q. @ DC Princess: She is my numbah1. She within her own crazy self makes me happy.
Now for the LMFAO Conversation between myself and Tarable.
Friday night has been decided as our Girls Night. We are going to start doing stuff together after work … because we deserve it and because we want to. Not necessarily just going to the bar or anything … but having dinner at new restaurants or seeing movies … or … well … going to the bar. Heh.
This last Friday we got pierced. She got her nose, and I got my cartilage in my ear done. Then we went and got some mini box wines and drove around blasting our favorite music.
When we got home, we picked a movie … “Funny People” and while drinking wine and watching it, we decided that we were hungry.
Me: “I want just ONE cheeseburger.”
Tarable: “Courtni! No!”
Me: “Fine.”
Tarable: “How would we get there anyway.”
Me: “Are you already hammered?”
Tarable: “Nooo ooooo…”
Me: “So what you are saying is …”
Tarable: “I am saying that I am off one. And I am going to tell the bitch in the drive thru that. Like, I want 3 cheeseburgers no onion I am off one.”
Me: “Mission accepted.”
So we are on our way to the land of the cheeseburger. I am admittedly waaaaaaaay more buzzed than I originally thought. The level of buzzed where every god damned thing is hilar.
We pull into the drivethru.
DtB: “Welcome to the land of the cheeseburger, may I take your order?”
Tarable (to me): “What was I supposed to say again?”
Me: “Can I have 4 cheeseburgers, no onions I am off one.”
Tarable (to DtB): “Can I have 4 cheesburgers no onioniamoffone.”
DtB: “What was that?”
Tarable: “4 cheeseburgers, no onionIamoffone.”
DtB: (Silence)
Me: Motherfucking DYING laughing.
Tarable: “FOUUUUUUUR CHEEEEEEEEEESEBURGERRRRRRRRRRRSSS, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ONION I.AM.OFF.ONE.”
At this point, I am fucking crying laughing because Tarable was mad at this DtB’s lack of understanding of her SLURRED ass statement of being off one. She probably had ZERO clue as to what “off one” really meant.
We pull up to the window.
Tarable: “Hi. Sorry. I am just off one.”
DtB didn’t laugh.
Me: “OMG I AM GOING TO PEE MY PANTS!”
Tarable: “Courtni!”
Me: (I literally could not look at her. I had my back to her and was all up IN the window.) “I cant helllllllllllp it!”
Tarable: “I am sorry. SHE is off one too.”
We pull up to the NEXT window.
Tarable: “You need to get it together. They are going to spit in our cheeseburgers.”
Me: “I cant help it.”
Tarable: “They might even deny us the cheeseburgers all together! One time I was kicked out of a drivethru for cursing too much!”
Me: “SNORT”
Tarable: “I am not kidding!”
The window opens. It is the SAME fucking lady.
Tarable: “Oh! It is YOU again! Maybe we should have stayed at the other window … no!?”
DtB didn’t laugh.
Me: “OhhhhhhhhhhmyfuckingGODrightnow!”
Tarable: (to the DtB) “Thanks for the cheeseburgers, you were a PEACH.”
So we pull away.
Me: (finally pulling it together) “I cannot believe that you had the audacity to fucking get mad at this fucking lady. This is how you sounded. TWICE “Can I get 4 cheeseburgers, no onionIamoffone.” and then when she was confused, you spoke to her like she was slow … like it was HER fault.”
Tarable: “Well! Whatever! HAHAHAHA!”
Me: “I am totally blogging about this.”
The end. I love us. We are awesome. Like, e = MC AWESOME.
What 10 things make YOU happy today!?
Tags: blogawards, cheeseburger, tarable, that one fast food place, the pursuit of happiness
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy (or) 3 days.
Jan 8, 2010 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, You've Got Wicked Mail
Well hello there! Welcome to the first YGWM of 2010. It has been a couple of weeks huh?
Miss me?! Whatever.
You know the drill. Purge your week (s) so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekend.
Dear You.
You are a fucking big pouty baby. Knock it off.
Me
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Dear Mommy,
This is a letter requesting for you to whoop my ass. I would like for you to whoop my ass for the following reasons:
1) For that time I called and pretended to be a kidnapper on the voicemail.
2) For not listening to 3/4 of the things you say to me.
3) For telling half truths.
4) For not doing my chores OR half assing my chores. (i.e. no food in the cat bowl today. or the dirty toilet. or the recycle being left for days on the street.)
5) For fucking with Charli on purpose and then acting like I didnt do anything with a stupid fucking look on my face.
6) For watching American Pie when I knew I wasn’t supposed to.
Please whoop my ass! I am begging you.
Xavier
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Dear D,
Please for the love of God, take a shower and then put it in my mouth in 3 days.
It will benefit everybody.
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Dear Cheeseburger,
(s) Yep. I had 2 of you and I loved every single salivating bite. I chewed each bite approximately 22 times to really taste you in my mouth.
I don’t care if it is me being unfaithful to my phase 1 diet. It was worth it. YOU were worth it.
TarablyWicked
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Dear Lucky Jeans Sales Guy,
I fucking adored your face. Especially when you made me try on size TWENTY NINE even despite my own inner fatty arguing over it. And then, when the size TWENTY NINE fit me, I honestly wanted to hug your fucking face off.
You were the best sales guy ever, giving awesome recommendations when needed without being fucking aggravating and in my face.
Also, a size TWENTY NINE!? That is fucking rad. If it wasnt for you, I would have never even tried them on.
You rule.
Wicked
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Dear Mom
You will be trivial. It could go one way or the other. I don’t want to but I have to. I am gonna take one for the team.
But if you sit at that slot machine at that slot machine like a test lab mouse pushing it for crack, I will leave and find my own fun.
Happy Birthday,
Tara Monique
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Dear Romo,
Don’t fucking blow it. You are my last hope other than the Vikings which I am grandfathered into being a fan of at this point. At least it is for a good reason.
Tarable
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Dear Red Jeep,
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. I am so fucking sick of your endless fucking problems and your endless drama that I could literally cry.
I cannot wait until I don’t have to drive you anymore. You are the biggest piece of shit ever.
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Dear Jersey Shore,
Why are you such a trainwreck?
Why do I love you so much?
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Dear Jackson,
What in the fuck is wrong with you? Get out of my face, off of my table and out of my house.
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Dear D,
I am excited for you to come home for the following reasons:
1) To put your face in my vagina.
2) To put your dick in my vagina.
3) To put your dick in my mouth.
4) To put the christmas tree away.
5) To deal with Xavier.
6) To sleep in the bed with me.
7) To have a conversation and not be on a time limit.
To sleep in on the weekends. I just want to sleep.
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Dear Hickey on my boob,
I don’t know where you came from or how you got there, but please go away.
Love, Boobs.
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Dear Paycheck,
Really?!
TarablyWicked
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Dear D,
I am happy for you to come home for the following reasons:
1) Courtni & I will no longer be at each others throats … well not daily and multiple times in a day anyway.
2) She will finally take a fucking joke. Because right now, to her, I am talking in literal form. All day.
3) It is like I have no personality and I am not funny. You and I both know this is not true.
4) She will finally not be mad at me for getting some. Because she will be getting lots of somes. Thank god.
5) I will finally have someone else telling me about myself. Because I am honestly done with Courtni telling me about myself. She is mean when she tells me about myself. This is because you arent putting it in her.
6) So you can whoop Xaviers ass. Jesus. He is a good kid but he needs a fucking ass whoopin. Fuck.
7) I value the extra 20 minutes of sleep I get. That is the time it takes to drop Charli off and make coffee and make breakfast. I would like to sleep in.
IF YOU FUCKING HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT THAT YOU ARE A PART OF THIS TEAM, THEN GET A NEW FUCKING BRAIN.
Love and no disrespect because I love you,
Tarable
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Dear You,
Also above and beyond you being a big fucking baby, you need to pick one. This back and forth shit is fucking both annoying and old.
K? K.
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Dear Boyfriend,
Fuck you read this so it is hard to open letter your ass. Even though it is not a bad open letter but our bosses read this too so…. put it in my mouth.
Tarable
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Dear New Guy #1,
I don’t give a good god damn who you think you are. Not even a little bit. Dont act like you are somebody. Because to me, you kinda arent.
Dear New Guy #2,
Your pick up lines are wack. Kinda like your face. Because you look like a dude that was a douche to Tarable.
Dear Mike O,
I love that I am your work boo.
Love Courtni
Dear Mike O,
I love your butt
Love Tarable
Dear Boyfriend,
Dont trip, your butt is cuter and nicer. And I get to touch it whenever I want except during work hours because that is not work appropriate and our bosses read this blog.
Love Tarable
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Dear HenrySan,
We miss the following:
1) your laugh
2) your rice
3) your open eye
4) your face
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Yep I feel better.
Now for the Friday Eye Candy. Since it has been awhile, I wanted to do something special.
A special group eye candy … just for you.
I joke.
This Friday’s eye candy is (drum roll please)
George Clooney
Oh and Khloe Kardashian. She is a hottie.
You go. Get it off of your chest. Purge your weeks drama so you can enjoy your weekend! (annnnnnnnd, I am looking for eye candy suggestions)
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, george clooney, khloe kardashian, Parenting
For That, I am Grateful – 2
Dec 31, 2009 All Things X, Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, love
This is part 2 of 2 of my grateful things of 2009.
To repeat myself …
She is doing 26 Days of Gratefulness. Each day represents a letter filled with things that she is eternally grateful for. Of course more than half of these days made me cry like a fucking baby because that is what the hell I do when there is anything mush or moosh involved in it. But when she does it … it hits me even harder. (I will get to her later.)
N is for Nighttime. It is the only time I have to myself. I am grateful for me time. N is also for Noggin. Not the TV show … the oral sex kind.
O is for Orgasm. I am grateful for every orgasm I can give or get. O is also for Open letters. I look forward to every single Friday so that I can openly bitch out any one and everyone that pisses me the hell off.
P is for Penis. Yes. I am grateful for the infamous penis. I neeeed it in my life on a regular basis. It is also for Pumps. As in shoes. P is also for my Phone Sex Voice. Apparently … it is worth millions. P is especially for Prettiness. It is an essential in this house. Live Prettily and life is Perfect.
Q is for Quarters. A pre-paycheck scrounge for Quarters is a regular event around here. Quarters get gas, cheeseburgers, wine … even cigs for those who smoke. Q is most importantly for *MY* Q. My Numbah 1. My Partner. One of my best friends. Ever. She owns Q. She *is* Q.
R is for Romance. It is essential. Romance is a part of me. It is also for Rough. Rough sex, that is. I like it Rough and Raw. R is also for Rally. I have needed the people in my life to Rally around me recently … and they really really have. R is also for Range Rover. I want one. K? R is most importantly for Readers. You all make my day better. Your thoughts. Your advice. Your viewpoints. If I didn’t have you … I may not be so into blogging.
S is for Sex. God damnit I am grateful for it. Sex. Seeeeeeexxxxxxxxxx. S is also for Soul Sister. Because I haz them and I am grateful for them. Beyond grateful. Carol. Cass. Anne. Chrissie. Chrissa. ‘Lullah. Mary. Q. Kanisha. Leslie. Rachael. You all make my life a better life. You make me a better person. Each of you are so important to me and my sanity. S is for Sanity. S is also for Sunshine. My Sunshine comes in the form of a Carol. Heh. I made a comment about her being Sunshine, even when she is being followed by a black cloud … and that she doesn’t even know it … which is the best part. My Sunshine makes me happy … when skies are grey. S is also for Squish. Squishy. SquishyAmandaFace. I love her mostly because of how raw and honest she is. But that is only Scratching the Surface. I am so grateful to be her friend.
T is for Tarable. And Tough. And Tolerance. And Teeny Tiny. And Team. All of these have to do with Tarable. She is my rock. My sister. My bestie. I don’t know what I would do without her. T is also for Text messages. They have saved me in tough spots and entertained me to no end.
U is for UPGRADES! I am grateful for this team more than I can describe into words. It was the best decision to take the risk to work in this department.
V is for Vagina. I hope mine knows how grateful I am for it.
W is for Women. Because I have so many inspirational and strong Women in my life. W is also for Wisdom. I have learned so much. I have grown so much. Wisdom within myself and from others has proven to be so beneficial.
X is for Xavier. He is my little big man. No matter how much he fucks up … I will always love him.
Y is for Yaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Or sleep. Either way Yawning leads to it. And I love sleep like nobodies business.
Z is for Zac. He is a new addition to my life and I am most grateful for him. I am pretty sure that I am not the only one who thinks this of him.
G’Head. List your N-Z’s of gratefulness.
If I don’t talk to you before hand, Happy New Year!
Tags: kids, sleep, soul sister, strong women, team, upgrades
Honest Tuesday’s: I am Addicted to…
Dec 29, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Honest Tuesday's, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Ranteriffic, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, love
Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place to be honest about all of the shit you cannot be honest about.
… Shopping.
Like, budget my life so that I can squeeze a couple new t-shirts or boots or makeup purchases or even unmentionables. Even if I dont really neeeeeeeeeed it. Walking into Nordstrom’s … and smelling the “New Everything” scent. I don’t want a new car scent tree for my truck, I just want a Nordstrom scent tree in my truck. In MAC eyeshadow colors.
Speaking of MAC …
… Makeup. Thank you Tarable, for enabling my addiction to these pretty round black container treasures. “Naked Lunch”? I mean, who wouldn’t want to wear that on their face?! I love how the lip gloss smells like doughnuts. I love playing with the new colors and seeing what they look like on my face. I love how every color and brand is different. Like when walking into Sephora … and you walk through the Urban Decay section. It is so different from MAC; new and fresh and pretty. And when you put it on your face it looks so pretty. IT IS PRETTY.
… Cheeseburgers. I fucking love a good cheeseburger. Love. Especially when starting a second round of South Beach Phase 1 to look not like rolly pollys after the holiday’s. I want a god damned cheeseburger so bad. That I can literally taste the ketchup, pickle and mustard in my mouth as we speak. I may or may not be salivating a little bit while typing this. (pee ess: Dear McDonalds, fuck you for .99 cheeseburgers.)
… (this is alllll Tarable) Cigarettes. I love to smoke. I do. I love it. I fuuuuuuuuucking love it. I know it is bad for me. I know I need to stop doing it. But I love to smoke them. Especially when I am stressed out. Or drunk. And on the way to work. Cig in one hand, coffee in the other.
Speaking of Coffee:
… Coffee. I absolutely MUST have coffee. M U S T H A V E I T I N M Y M O U T H. People who dont know me dont understand that if I dont have it, I may very well kill them Dexter styles and bury them in my backyard if they are all in my face prior to coffee consumption. I am not the one anyway, but without my latte I am DEFINITELY LESS THE ONE THAN WITH IT.
Pass THAT the fuck on.
… Shoes. Ohhhhhhh sweet baby Jesus of shoes. I love the smell of new shoes in the box. I love the tissue paper surrounding the shoes in the box and how it isnt even wrinkled. I love when you buy a new pair of shoes at Nordstroms and you ruin them the first time wearing them … that they will replace them. No questions asked. I love the way new expensive shoes feel on my feet. Not to rag on bargain buy’s … but the feeling of spendy shoes vs. notsomuch is the difference in feeling between Tiffany’s and Claires.
… Sex. I am like a man. I have sex on the brain 24 hours a day 7 days a week. My brain is like 7-11 in comparison when it comes to the topic of fucking and sucking. If I didn’t have to do anything else … like work … I would have sex all the time. My vagina would be a 24 hour establishment. However, this constant penetration can only be with that one person. Not some random piece of strange that I met at the bar who is now a vajay stalker. (Hypothetically or Tarable-cally speaking of course.) I like to talk about it. Do it. Think about it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. I cant help that it is on the brain all the time. I JUST WANT IT.
… My Phone. Yep. Facebook. Pandora. Text. Email. Scrabble. Weird facts. Calendar. Facebook. Pandora. Text. Text. Text. Text. Text. Facebook. Facebook. Facebook.
… Tarable. And she is addicted to me. We have come to the conclusion that we were separated at birth. We both have no clue what we would do without each other. What I do know is that we need to talk to each other at least once a day. Weird I know but whatever.
… Wine. Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Wine is the 3rd wheel in our bestfriendcapades. Box or bottle, gimme some in mah mouth. K?
*phew*
What are YOU addicted to?
What have you not been honest about this week?!
Tags: cheeseburger, Honest Tuesday's, mac makeup, mcdonalds, nordstrom, wine
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Dec 18, 2009 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Friday Eye Candy, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch, love
TGIMFF!
You know the drill. Purge your week so that you can officially enjoy your weekend!!!
Dear Tarable,
I understand that you are having really good sex. I am really really really really happy for you. However. I am not having it. It = the sex. I would appreciate it if you would stop rubbing it in. Ok? Ok.
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Dear Owner,
I need to say this bluntly: It is offensive for you to blame our company for your addiction to food. There is nothing wrong with being a bigger size. Furthermore, I completely relate to us all not fitting the societal mold of a size 2 runway model. But to have the audacity to sit on the phone with me and blame this company for your obesity is offensive and completely out of line.
It is not my fault that you need to buy 3 plane tickets for you and your spouse in order to travel. Period. It is also not my fault that you are uncomfortable with your travels because of your size. How about rethinking that Big Mac with extra special sauce next time?
If you are mad about being obese … then maybe you should order a salad. Maybe … just maybe … you shouldn’t blame people i.e. your account manager for the woes you have experienced. The bottom line is: You are mad that you are obese. Either own it or fix it.
Love Tarable
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Dear Mister,
Go ahead and let it out. Just do it. Like Nike. It is going to happen eventually. You and I both know that it is inevitable. I am patiently waiting for the words to come out of your mouth. Because I refuse to be the one to say it first.
Yours always, Tarable
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Dear You,
It is inappropriate. Period. All of it. Every bit. Blah.
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Dear Wicked,
I love you, first and foremost. I am so glad that you admitted the weakness that it was and that you are bigger and better for it. You are truly my best friend in every way shape and form … and know me better than anyone else does. WE will get through the hard times together. No matter what happens. Goodnight and goodbye … ooooh ooh ooh. Because when it truly comes down to it, you are there. Quit looking at your cell phone. K?
Tarable.
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Dear Tarable,
You are not allowed to make me cry on my own blog. I am so proud of you and also so happy for you for finding someone to make you happy. I love you. Forever. I cannot wait to have my moment to honor you.
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Dear Ken Adams,
I may or may not have a crush on you.
Love, Regina Philange
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Dear Bosses,
I am stoked to be a part of the team. Know that I am gonna work my ass off. Period. Because that is what I do.
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Dear New Bitch,
Get out of my face. I am not interested in being nice to you. Ever.
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Dear Carol, Squish, Tori, Q, Chrissie, Cassie, Chrissa,
I motherfucking miss you. So bad that it hurts.
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Dear Vagina,
OMG STOP TRYING TO TAKE OVER MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cannot listen to your manipulativeness. CANNOT.
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Dear Manipulative Fucking Bitch,
He is going to leave you if you don’t knock it off. We don’t believe you. Whether you are in the picture or not, we will be friends. Period. It is all innocent and not at all what your insecure ass thinks that it is. K? K.
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Dear Xavier,
Thank you so much for trying. You really are a wonderful kid.
Love, Mommy
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Dear Wicked,
You will get there I promise. You need some strong something or other pushing you towards the finish line….I love you. You pretend like you can handle anything and everthing but you need help and when you ask for it it is hot. You can never be replaced. Even with you texting shit eating grin on your face. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Dear D,
God damnit I fucking miss you. On a level that is not able to be verbalized.
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This Friday, I am undecisive on the hottie. So Tarable hit “Random Hottie” in Google .. .so this is what you get:
Have you ever been left speechless? What put you in a position where you were without words?
Tags: Friendship, random hottie, Sex
