God Don’t Like Stupid
Mar 16, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, bitch
I really really R E A L L Y fucking hate stupid people.
Like, really.
I have said it before and I will say it again. I am convinced that I was put on this earth to deal with fucking idiots.
When I am driving: Stupid people.
When I am at work: Stuuuuuuuuu u u u pid people.
When I am in public places: Stupid STUPID people.
It all boils down to me NOT being the one and people (yes the stupid ones) assuming that I actually am in fact the one when really I am not the one. The stupidity starts right there in the assumption.
The problem is, either they 1) don’t think I will bitch slap them (which I probably wont because I really have zero desire to have my 31 year old self in front of a judge over an assault case) or they 2) dont think I will ever tell them about themselves. (which I totally will except for if I am at work because I really do not want to get fired all that bad and if I tell these people what I really think of their stupid asses … I absolutely WILL get fired.) Where this problem affects me is in that they keep on keepin’ on with their stupid selves and I keep on keepin’ on being surrounded by them.
Example 1:
While driving the other day, minding our own business … it becomes our turn. The light turns green and if you were unaware … GREEN MEANS GO and RED DOES NOT. So we have a green arrow and Tarable is on her merry way. Whistling and shit. Out of nowhere, this jack-hole stupid ass cuts over into OUR lane and she almost rear ends him. Does he acknowledge this ASSWIPE move? No. Does he even look in our general direction? Um No. He does not. He just gets loose like he was all to the good.
Idiot. Motherfucking dumbfucksonofabitchidiot.
What I wanted to do was chase his ass down and bust his window out. I did not do that. But I WANTED to.
The point: He doesn’t know me. I very well could have and then what? His dumbass took on a pretty significant risk right there.
Example 2:
I work in sales. Sales people enjoy hearing the sounds of their own voices. I am an offender of this on occasion, however I am not a fucking IDIOT so I know when it may be the correct time to simply shut the fuck up.
Some people do not have this mouth mechanism.
So we are forced to listen to them spout off at the mouth in the most IDIOTIC and RETARDED moments.
Moments where their idiotness ruins shit for everyone.
The most frustrating part about this is that ALL OF THE SIGNS POINT TO SHUT THE FUCK UP. But, because they are THAT fucking STUPID … the signs fly over their brainless heads like a 747 jet at take off.
Just SHUT the FUCK UP for once. Seriously.
Example 3:
Some of my owners. Gah. It is like at one of the presentations, the criteria to become an owner was simply to be the stupidest fucking person on the planet.
And when I say stupid, I mean stuuuuuuuuuupid.
Stupid enough to spend MONEY on a product that you never use.
Stupid enough to not even do the research on how TO use the product … instead just bitching about it. <-- that is gonna get a resolution. Let me tell you.
Stupid enough to KEEP paying and out of STUPID stubbornness, purposefully not use it. What fucking point are you trying to prove?
Example #4
Stupid bitches.
God. These cunts are the worst. They give women a horrible name and reputation. And they are EVERYWHERE. It takes every ounce of strength I have inside of me NOT to just slap the shit out of these whores on sight.
What kind of water were these mommies-to-be drinking while pregnant? How could they allow such DUMBNESS out into the world?
It really is not the stupid bitches fault either. It is the parents fault. I want to slap a mom for allowing such a thing to take place.
I swear to Jesus I will beat the stupid out of my daughter before I let her walk out of my house and infect the world with unnecessary stupidity.
Say I wont.
Example #5:
The Unknown Phone Breather.
I pray to The Holy Spirit that you read this blog because are you serious right now?
What a stupid worthless fuck you are. Blocked call breathe in my phone at 8AM? Have we met? If I ever find out who you are (or WERE for that matter because I changed my motherfucking NUMBER you stupid fuck) I will chicken choke the shit out of you.
You must have me twisted with some other fuck that actually IS THE ONE.
In conclusion, stupid is as stupid does. The only person being affected by the aforementioned stupidity is the stupid person. (Well, and me too because every other city I go, I see the same stupid bitches.)
*deep breath*
Would you like to chime in on any examples in your life of total STUPIDITY?
What three adjectives might other people use to describe your personality?
If you could re-live a day of your life again, which would it be and why?
Honest Tuesday’s: People are NOT Honest People Anymore.
Jan 25, 2010 Current Events, Honest Tuesday's, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, bitch
There may or may not be angry in this blog. Just saying.
Iamanidiotandsomehowmisplacedmyfuckingpursewithmyentirelifeinit.
Entire life? Yep.
Checkbook.
BRAND NEW FUCKING DRIVERS LICENSE.
Xavier’s Gamestop Gift Card.
New DISCONTINUED MAC BLUSH AND LIPGLOSS.
ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OF MY MONEY. Like LITERALLY ALL OF IT.
Chanel WALLET.
My motherfucking KEYCARD FOR WORK.
My kids photos. Photos of my family.
Business cards.
Credit cards.
The $5000 receipt for D’s entire studio.
2 jars of espresso. (WHICH I COULD REALLY FUCKING USE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY CARDS AND CASH WERE ALSO IN MY PURSE AND I CANT BUY COFFEE NOW.)
That is all I can remember but I am sure that there will be more added to this list. Don’t ask me how or why or what or who does that because I have already fucking been there. I have already racked my brain and called the places I need to call to cancel or stop or ask politely through gritted teeth if someone was AN HONEST PERSON and turned my bag in.
Fuck it. Take the money. Take the cards. But I bet that the rest of my shit is in a fucking trash can somewhere covered in Big Mac sauce with zero regard for who it belonged to. My purse was my very first Coach purse that I bought myself with my HARD EARNED MONEY. It may not mean shit to anyone else but me and no one else may understand that but I dont care. It is mine. My Chanel wallet was a GIFT from someone who I care about very much. I BOUGHT MYSELF THAT MAKEUP FOR CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I WORKED MY ASS OFF AND DESERVED TO TREAT MYSELF TO SOMETHING NICE. Like, JUST BOUGHT IT.
This is why I turn shit like this in. Because KARMA IS A CUNT. I don’t play around with karma one bit. If I find a purse or a wallet, I look for a drivers license. Some way to contact the rightful owner. Same with cell phones. I call every number in the book, looking for an owner or someone who can get the phone to the actual owner. These things have value. Not even monetary. Do you know how long it takes to replace shit like that?!
FOREVER. I still am missing numbers from old phones that have been stolen.
And, I get it. It is all just “stuff”. It can and will be replaced. And, I will get over it sooner than later. Know that. But right now, TODAY … IAMFUCKINGREALLYMADANDDISGUSTEDWITHGHETTOCLASSLESSPEOPLE who cannot seem to fucking get past themselves for FIVEFUCKINGSECONDS.
Yep. It affected my entire day. Shonuff did. Especially because I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do because someone else took that from me.
LIKE HAVE COFFEE OR USE MY MAKEUP THAT I TO USE BECAUSE IT WAS IN MY FUCKING PURSE.
So fuck you, ASSHOLE for anonymously ruining my and everyone else who was affected around me for being a caffiene-less, stressed out cunt all day.
The end.
Feel the need to rant about something? Go.
Who gets the Asshole Award in your life today?
Tags: asshole award, Chanel, coach, Honest Tuesday's, mac makeup, stolen
Preferred Peeves.
Jan 11, 2010 DUH, Family, Honest Tuesday's, Masturbate-able, Random, Ranteriffic, Relationships, Sex, Suck It!, This Thing Called Marriage.
Everyone has preferences. Me, being the picky bitch… has A LOT of them. I mean…. HELLA.
I prefer a man to smell like dryer sheets or soap than cologne. (same with a woman.)
I prefer lilies or wildflowers to roses.
I prefer brunettes to blondes.
I prefer unripe bananas to ripe bananas.
I prefer vodka to any other liquor.
I prefer box wine. (shutup.)
I prefer rough sex to gentle sex. (most of the time)
Speaking of sex, YAY for sex last night. YAY for waking me up with a nice fat D cock, and even more YAY to instantaneous orgasms. I swear, he only gets better with age. No man on the planet can work my body like he can, and in such a short amount of time sometimes.
In this case, gentle sex was better. Mainly because it had been 60 days and I wanted it that way.
*satisfied sigh*
I think I will predict that it is going to be tough to get out of bed in the morning. That might also be why I am in a mood today. A smart ass Cassie kind of mood. HEH.
Oh eat a dick Cass. *snicker* You know you are the smartassiest broad in my life. LMFAO.
Also, I have several pet peeves. I cant help it if little things bother me.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when more than one peeve happens in the same situation.
This makes for a peeved Wicked.
Pet peeve 1~ having to wake up and motivate before 9am without coffee.
Pet peeve 2~ drivers. of any kind. before coffee. (my road rage is awful FYI)
Pet peeve 3~ customer service reps who don’t speak English well enough to carry on a conversation. or actually provide you with the correct services that you asked for.
pet peeve 4~ said non English speaking person referring to you as lady instead of the name I was fucking born with.
Anyway, the other day I had this appointment. These fools want me there at 8 am.
8.
a
m
.
If you aren’t already aware, I am not a morning person. People usually steer clear until after my coffee is gone or after 10am, whichever comes first. So let me tell you how fucking angry I was to be in this place at 8am. And then to have to re-explain why I am here to this fucking guy FOUR fucking times for him to actually understand the words that were coming out of my mouth. (or so I thought anyway)
So I am sitting there, minding my own business, when no speaka comes up and says to me (which brings me to pet peeve … #5)
“Lady you need to ….”
Can you guess what pet peeve 5 is?
Yeah. Someone telling me what I need to do.
Anyfuck.
So I wait for an hour before 10am before coffee after telling this fucker 235673453 times what I needed to fucking have this guy tell me that he fucked up *gasp* and called the wrong department.
i.went.clean.the.fuck.off.
I scared him I think because someone saw me right away. Like less than a minute after I began on my sleep deprived, stress induced, lack of coffee rage.
All he could say was ‘lady’ over and over again. *fuming*
Then I had to listen to this bitch yap on and on about (pet peeve 5) what I need to fucking be doing. Even after I informed her what I was already doing that was what she was trying to tell me what I needed to be doing.
Pet peeve 6~ People talking to hear themselves talk.
What are some of your pet peeves?
Tags: pet peeves, preferences
Honest Tuesday’s: Diddling.Is.Boring.
Dec 7, 2009 Honest Tuesday's, Masturbate-able, Ranteriffic, Sex, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show, bitch
Fucking welcome to Honest Tuesdays. It seems mostly that I am not in the fucking mood for intro’s lately, doesn’t it?
Well maybe it is because I AM NOT HAVING THE SEX.
And I am surrounded by people who are REGULARLY HAVING THE SEX and they WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
Blah. Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I have gone through a Costco sized package of AA batteries in 24 days.
PeeEss I am over it. Idon’twantit. It = a vibrator.
I want the real deal. The real deal = HOT CAHCK. CAHHHHHHHHHHHHHCK.
I am {this} close to asking for a freebie. I am not even kidding. Like, someone that I don’t even know. Just a random schmuck that I use and abuse and send on their way. Is there a Schmuck store somewhere?
I think sooooooooo!
I am a weak individual aren’t I? Maybe it would be easier if I had a no sex support system.
Hint Hint.
No? Fuck you bitches then. You bitches know who you are. K? And not in the way you are already being fucked either. I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW. I may be a hater but at least I am really while doing it.
I am starting to get angry. Angry and mad and livid and did I mention angry? Because a bitch is motherfucking angry over her G spot not being pummeled. ANGRY.
K? K.
Blah. Fuck all of you fuckers who are fucking and I am not. Fuck.
PS. Tarable can suck it for gloating in my face right now about all of the good sex she is having.. I HATE YOU JODY!
How is that for honest? Bitches.
What haven’t you been honest about lately? Spill it.
Will you be a part of my no sex support system?
Tags: fuck you tara, i hate tara, masturbation, Sex, suck it tara
I Spy an Ass Whoopin.
Nov 17, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, I WIN!, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show, bitch
Happy Hump Day!
How goes it? What is new?
Life is hectic. I am missing 1/2 of me. He has taken a trip that has left us all kinda in limbo for a 90 day period. Read between the lines. If you know anything about me, you will get it. Furthermore, I am financially fucking strapped. My new job kicks all sorts of ass (i.e. me and Tarable kicking our bosses asses on a consistent basis) but like I have said before, it is slow to start money-wise. Therefore, I am creatively surviving. If you know of any ways to make money (other than selling my pretty vagina which again if you know anything about me I am not necessarily opposed to, given the circumstances) and legitimately please let me know. Thanks.
Moving on.
What is most awesome about my job is the limitless fun we have. Granted, there are a couple of people that I would absolutely LOVE to 1) punch in the face and 2) see get fired or 3) quit but that goes with any job.
Especially MakesHerOwnClothes broad. That bitch has no clue. None. She consistently assumes that I am in fact the motherfucking one when I am actually NOT the one. Like, so not the one that it isnt even funny. She runs around thinking she is so fucking great, when in all honesty, she is so far from great that it is comical.
It took me everything not to fuck her up on Monday. Why do ignorant people get to pull off the dumbest fucking things and GET AWAY WITH IT?!
Example: I am mid conversation when she runs up and elbows me out of the way, INTERRUPTS my conversation only to start a conversation with the person I was having a motherfucking CONVERSATION WITH.
Um. Really?
1) I was in front of the HR office.
2) I need my job.
3) It would be kinda silly to beat her ass in the middle of my place of employment.
Even thought I reeeeeeeeeeeeeally fucking wanted to. Like, R E A L L Y.
/sigh.
It sucks being an adult sometimes. Given my temper. Given my complete and total gangsterness that pumps through my veins on a daily motherfucking basis.
Sometimes. I. Just. Want. To. Freely. Beat. The. Shit. Out. Of. Stupid. Bitches.
She is lucky that I have 2 little baby bird’s mouths to feed. She is also really lucky that I respect my bosses and value their opinions as much as I do. This takes me back to my blog about adulthood and how sometimes it would really be nice to have a free punchabitchintheface card. Or a day a year where you can just punch people freely in the face and have absolutely NO consequences.
Who is with me?
I motherfucking thought so.
Who would YOU like to punch in the face right now?
When is the last time you played the air guitar?
What’s the weirdest thing you have done while driving?
Have you ever called out the wrong name while having sex?
Mean People Suck.
Nov 9, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, bitch
I think that it is karma. Karma against me because I used to be one of these mean people.
How is it that I get all of the mean cunts on the phone?
Me: “Hi! This is Wicked from Where I Work!”
Cunt#1: “Why are you yelling?”
Me: “I am sorry, I am not yelling. It must be my headset.”
C#1: “Whatever you are selling I am not buying.”
Me: “How do you know I am selling anything.”
C#1: “I can tell by your enthusiasm.”
Me: “So someone enthusiastic is a sales person?”
C#1: “I said I am not buying.”
Click. Er. ?
Me: “Hi! This is Wicked from Where I Work! How are you today?”
Cunt #2: “I am busy.”
Me: “Well can I schedule a time to speak to you at a time when you are not busy?”
Cunt #2: “No. I would like to know why you are calling me because you assholes keep bugging me.”
Me: “Oh we are bugging you?”
Cunt #2: “Yes. I am sick of the calls.”
Me: “Well, Cunt #2, I was offering you a free whateveritisthatIsell but since we are such a bother, I will offer it to someone else.”
Cunt #2: “A free whateveritisthatyousell?”
Me: “Too late. Have a nice day.”
Click. Mmhm.
Me: “Hi! This is Wicked from Where I Work! How are you doing!?”
Cunt #3: “Mmmmhm. I am aight.”
Me: “Just aight? Anything I can do?”
Cunt #3: “You can get to the point.”
Me: “Sounds good. Listen I needed to talk with you about some really awesome changes that have happened with Where I Work. These changes will directly affect you in the following ways:”
Cunt #3: “Didn’t I say to get the point already?! What the fuck do you want?”
Me: “I wanted to give you a free whateveritisthatIsell, Cunt #3 … but apparently you are not interested in that free whateveritisthatIsell. Have a wonderful rest of your day.”
Click.
And finally:
Me: “Hi! This is Wicked from Where I Work!”
Cunt #4: “Oh HELL no.”
Click.
Let me fucking tell you AGAIN THAT I AM NOT THE ONE.
NOT
THE
ONE
NOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT THEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Who do people think they are? Do people REALLY talk to others that way? I mean, I am a cunt if I am provoked. But if someone calls me all perky styles … in a NON TELEMARKETING FASHION … I do not have it in me to be a cunt!
How about if you knew how pretty and awesome and gangster I was, you would be A LOT NICER TO ME.
I am just saying.
What song do you hate the most?
What color are your bed sheets?
Would you rather be a fish or a bird? Why?
What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
A Blog About Violence.
Nov 8, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., Family, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Suck It!
Sometimes I would like to punch the fuck out of a bitch.
Some people call that violence. I call it natural selection. Meaning, you are a dumb bitch and then I naturally select YOU to get punched in the face by me.
Example 1: Assuming that I am the one when in fact I am not.
Like, talking shit about me to my husband in my house when I am not even there. Even further into it, the shit you are talking actually is not even close to the truth. Further than that is when you can’t even have a conversation with a bitch.
This lack of adult communication leads me to a blog about violence.
Example 2: Lack of manners.
Be it from kids, in a public place or even on the freeway. It all applies.
“Give me juice!” from a kid instead of “Please may I have some juice.”
Shoving past someone rather than saying “Excuse me.”
Cutting me off on the freeway without looking at how close I am to you and how fast I am going instead of pausing and checking your blind spots while using a blinker.
All 3 are motherfucking rude and also lead me to a blog about violence.
Example 3: Liars.
Tell me the truth. Even if it makes me mad. I am to the point with people who lie where I simply will stop talking to you. Not grudge holding. Not any stubbornness. Simply not willing to put in the time to re-trust you again. I just would rather not.
Liars bring me to a blog about violence.
People are fucking with my last nerve. We talk daily about not being the one. Me specifically not being the one. Once my last nerve is numb, I get violent and I can feel it coming in the air tonight. Add allllllllllllllllll off the other stresses?
Psh.
I might just charge your ass at the bar the next time I see you. And by charge, I mean fly/climb/hop over shit and pummel you to the ground. It would be worth the night in jail and lifetime ban from that bar to stomp a mudhole in your ass.
I might dump juice in your face you mannerless kid and then bitchslap yo’ momma for allowing such behavior to exist.
I might shoulder check the SHIT out of you next time for shoving past me like that. Bitch don’t touch me. I will gladly let you by if you simply fucking ask me to move. Wicked shoulder checks are not pretty. Especially if I accidentally let my hand fly up and slap you in your FACE.
I might ram into you. You don’t know me. The car I am driving might be a throw away car. One that I could give a fuck about the damage. I may not care about my own life either. Maybe I was on my way to the nearest bridge so I could launch my pathetic self off of it.
I might have a bar of Ivory handy ready to shove clean into your mouth if you are the next person to lie to my face.
Name 3 things in nature you find most beautiful?
When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?
Tags: behavior, childish, Friendship, road rage, violence
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Oct 22, 2009 All Things X, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show
Happy MFing Friday!
Lets cut the bullshit and jump right into the open letters for the week.
You know the drill: Vent all of your bullshit for the week so you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends.
Dear You,
I am sorry that you hate your wife. It is kinda sad that you do because you are a catch and she is not cute. I still want to see it. You know what I want to see.
————————————————————————————————————
Dear Broad-Who-Makes-Her-Own-Clothes,
Just because there is a pattern for it, doesn’t make it cute.
Just because you think you are cute, doesn’t make it true.
Just because you USED to be a stripper, doesn’t mean that it is appropriate to dress like that in a corporate environment.
Your voice sounds like someone denied you the right to not have sinus issues. You sound like a foreign Fran Drescher.
P.S. YES. I was totally making fun of your throwback hot pink 1994 TLC-esque outfit equipped with suspenders. All you were missing was some condoms.
————————————————————————————————————-
Dear Think-You-Are-Slick,
I have one of you. You are not close to cute, and pee essI don’t have any desire to see your cock. I don’t. I just play you to get what I want.
————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Vagina,
What is wrong with you? Get in gear. I need you right now more than ever.
————————————————————————————————————-
Dear Kanisha,
I think that you should give it up, I’ve had about enough, it’s not hard to see the boy is mine.
————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Baby Jesus,
You and I are arch enemies. Officially. I told you. I. AM. NOT. THE. ONE.
————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Xavier,
Heh. Keep fucking with me. I dare you. No. I beg you. You think that you are slick. However you continuously get fucking caught. Maybe this time, learn a lesson. Because I am not playing with you about this.
I. Will. Whoop. Your. Ass. Off. Of. Your. Body.
Say I wont.
————————————————————————————————————-
Tarable had a letter too:
Dear Ditching Douchebag,
Really?
My vagina rains diamonds and sings beautiful music when it cums. How dare you ditch me, not once but twice?! Men beat down my door to have a taste of this infamous stalker creating vagina. Like a magic bean-stalk. If you think you are hot enough to get away with some madness like this, you are high.
Oh wait. I think you might already be high.
Regardless of the fact that I want to put it in my mouth, you are not going to win this game.
I win. Period.
I would rather not fuck anyone forever, then let you think that you can ditch me and then fuck me on your convenience. K?
It took all of my stubbornness in the history of tarable horny stubbornness to tell you no to some hotdickinmyvagina from you tonight. But I did it. Because you do not get to ditch me and then still fuck me. K?
How about, come over when you say you will on a consistent basis. What are we 17 again? Act like a man, not a teenage boy.
Furthermore, stop fondling me at work. It is tacky. I am not that bitch. And dont text me about being that bitch either because, just like my best friend Wicked says … I am in fact NOT THE ONE.
———————————————————————————————————-
Without further ado— Our Friday Eye Candy is a double feature.
First up, the beautiful Scarlett Johansson:
Next? Charlize Theron:
When you were in school, did you speak up in class? Did you sit in front or the back?
Do you wear jewelry? What is your favorite type of jewelry to wear?
If you could drive any car for a day, what would it be?
** LAST MINUTE LETTER ***
Dear Chelsea,
Congrat’s mama! You are gonna be a great mommy.
I cannot wait to smell him.
Tags: charlize theron, emplyoment, Friday Eye Candy, scarlett johansson, work
I’m No Punk, Bitch! (i.e. Off One.)
Oct 18, 2009 Friendship, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., bitch
Happy Monday! How was your weekend? Mine was pretty freaking awesome actually.
When I was younger … oh … say 10 years ago … if one would have asked me what the ideal Friday night was, I bet $100 that spending mine snuggled up with my beautiful family would not have ranked top 3 on my list. In fact, a decade ago I would have laughed in your face if you would have predicted that I would be married with 2 kids … I probably would have laughed in your face.
That is how my Friday was spent. Snuggled and warmed.
Saturday though? Not so snuggled. At least, not the evening anyway. For the first time in months, D, Tarable and I were able to get dolled and go hit the town together. I love going out with the 2 of them. There is never any drama, and we are all reaaaaally pretty when we get pretteh-fied.
So that is what we did. Pretty alcohol induced people. Shiny Happy People. With nice tits and a hot black man on our arm. D cleans up really nice I tell you.
We get to the bar and there weren’t many people there. I was kinda stoked because the first bar we went to was so packed that it was stupid. Within 20 minutes, there were so many people in this bar that I couldn’t breathe. It’s cool though. We had a blast. I met a cool cat while watching this dick-fuck bartender serve everyone BUT me who provided really great conversation.
The best 3 things that happened at the bar:
1) As I was leaning on a chair in conversation with the guy mentioned previously, (still waiting for my drink might I add) this dumb cunt slid into the chair that I had claimed as mine over an hour beforehand. Not only did she try to seat jack me, she also thought she was going to get a drink before me.
I would like to quickly mention the fact that this is a prime example of someone assuming that I am the one when in fact I am not.
What do I do?
Me: *taptaptap*on her shoulder “Um. Really?”
Her: “What?”
Me: “This is my seat.”
Her: “How do you figure?”
Me: “Well, consider the facts 1) you are sitting on my purse 2) I have been sitting on it off and on for over an hour and 3) I am leaning on it.
Her: “It didn’t look like you were gonna sit back down.”
Me: “Did you ask me?”
Her: “Ask you what?”
Me: “You said it didnt look like I was gonna sit back down but did you bother to ask me?”
Her: “No. I didnt.”
Me: “Wellllllll if you would have I would have told you that I was going to because it is my chair.”
Her: “Wow. Well how about I give you your chair back and sit in this empty one right next to you.”
Me: “That sounds like a GREAT idea actually. You should sit next to me. Because I am AWESOME.”
The look on her face was priceless. The looks on her friends faces were even better. What has happened to how bitches roll out in public? If that would have been me or one of my bitches who were getting blatantly punked like that in front of folks, I would not have stood for it. The bitches I roll with are prepared to pull nails off, earrings … drop to bare feet so that the stiletto heels are available to use as weapons if need be.
It is a prerequisite of how I roll. I don’t need some weak scaredy cat fucking bitch in my group. This goes directly along with me not being the one.
2) The fucking douchebag that thought it was acceptable to come up behind me and cup my vagina.
Yes you read that correctly. Some fucking drunk asshole came behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist and made his way down to my vagina to cup it. And then didn’t quite understand why 1) I was mad, 2) I shoved the fucking shit out of him after he tried to touch me again and 3) had him physically removed from the bar.
Do I look like the bitch that accepts a strange vagina cupper? With no introduction? With no conversation? What is this world coming to?
3) When I saved my friends ass from another mans ass.
After peeing and powdering my nose like a girly girl does, I come back to my seat where my friend and her husband were keeping them warm.
Him: “Do you see this guy behind me? He is trying to share a seat with me.”
Me: “You dont know this guy?”
Him: “Fuck NO!”
Me: “I got your back friend.”
So I smile at the assclown who obviously has no sense of personal space and shove my pretty ass between his and my friends.
Me: “Oooh. I am SO sorry.”
AssClown: “Are you fucking serious? I am not moving.”
Me: “Thats okay. I will just move you.”
AssClown: “That is doubtful.”
Me: “Ok.”
That is why I moved his ass out of the motherfucking way. He had to ask these 2 bitches to move their seats down so he would have room. *grin*
I WIN!
I won’t mention (or maybe I will) how Tara fell out of the bathroom stall while I was peeing or how I stood on the bar stool trying to get the bartenders attention because he was serving everyone around us but ignored our very existence. I also won’t mention (lies) how Tarable and I were wrestling like drunkards or bum fights and I flipped her ass over the top of me onto the floor and she got mad and pouted about it.
Good times. We were definitely off one all night. It was almost a make up for the fact that I was not invited with enough time to plan for the DC trip this weekend. I may or may not be bitterly butthurt about it still.
New York or California? Why?
Do you collect anything? What?
What was the worst rumor that was ever spread about you?
Would you rather publish your diary or make a movie on your most embarrassing moment?
Tags: bar, drunk, going out, pretty, tarably wicked
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Oct 1, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, Random, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail
Happy MotherFuckingSonofaBitch Friday. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
As always, it is time to vent out the frustrations from the week so you can thoroughly enjoy the weekend. I know we all have at least ONE thing that has irked us this week. Let it out. It will make you feel better.
I promise.
Dear Same Pants Guy,
You are breaking me down with your awesome personality. Seriously, your kickassness makes your wearing the same pants issue less of an issue. What the fuck is that?! Not to mention these aforementioned pants accentuate your cute little butt. I want to grab the fuck out of it. It is like a cute little bubble of cuteness. Same with your face.
*sigh* You still need new pants.
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Dear Fucking DoouuuuuuuuuuuuuuchhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeBag,
I am still in complete disbelief of that shit that you let spew from your fucking neck today. “Do you lie when you tell your mom that you aren’t a whore?” is not appropriate. Ever. It is especially inappropriate at work in the middle of our TEAM meeting where half of the team is still there and less than 10 minutes after the director reminded us how inappropriate we are sometimes and to watch our mouths.
Furthermore, you do not know her like that to say that ever, let alone in front of our PEERS.
You, sir, are out of line. And for her to be offended takes a fucking LOT.
I would have fired you today. But frankly that stems from me not liking your stupid whiney cry-ey ass.
Watch your mouth.
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Dear D,
If you don’t stop pacing around this motherfucking house I am going to matrix fly across the room and fuck you up. Sit down or get out of my fucking sight. Gah. I don’t like your man period. Not one bit.
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Dear Motivation,
Where did you disappear to? I miss you.
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Dear Jillian Michaels,
Stop staring at me. I know that I have neglected my commitment. I will get back on track.
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Dear Sleep,
Who’s balls do I need to have in my mouth in order to get some 1:1 time with you? Seriously, why do you hate me? All I do is love you.
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Dear Social Networking Sites,
FUCK OFF. All of you.
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Dear You,
I haven’t come up with a secret squirrel name for you yet. For now though, “You” will work. So. I know. You know that I know. It is cool, I won’t tell the things I know. But just so you know … I motherfucking know. *winkwinkwink*
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Dear Squish,
I would like to know the secret please and thanks.
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Dear Baby Jesus,
What about me not being the one did you not understand? Were you listening when I talked to you?
I AM NOT THE ONE, Baby Jesus. If you like, I will make you a sign so you remember with my picture pointing to how I am actually NOT the fucking one.
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Finally, Friday Eye Candy. He is one who has swooned many a generation of women. From The X Files to Kalifornia to Californiacation. David Duchovny is a sexy man. He is a funny man. He is charismatic and witty and a damn good actor.
