Living Wicked

Cuz Mommy Says Eat

Mar 9, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage.

So the question has been directed my way…

“How do you retrain the wheel… in the oral department… when the other person just isn’t as into it as you would like them to be??”

Specifically referring to “dining out”.

I call this oralsexophobia.

When it comes to oral, there really isn’t a retraining. I think oral sex is like sushi. You either like it or you don’t. It isn’t really an acquired taste/talent/fetish. I know several men who just do not prefer to put their face in-between ANYONES legs. I don’t care if you have the prettiest most famous vagina on the planet. They just are not gonna go there. On the flip-side, I know several women who not only refuse to suck a cock… but DEMAND to have their coochie knife and forked regularly.

Um. What?

Granted, I haven’t been a regular Blow Job Betty lately… (not because I am not in a giving mood by any means..) and usually the snatch to cock ratio favors my pleasure… but I don’t demand head if I am not willing to reciprocate.

“So,” you ask… ” what am I supposed to do if I want it, and he/she just doesn’t want to give it?”

There are many different layers to this loaded question.

1:Are YOU giving oral with no reciprocation?

If yes, I would stop. Period. Give ‘No McOral’ a taste of their own medicine. Why should you be the only one giving presents. (yes, I understand that most of us who DO give oral, actually enjoy doing so… however it is absolutely unethical to have Mr. Man in ElBoat-o stranded in lake neglect when Penis McBall is being coddled like a 7 month old infant.)

2- Have you talked to Neglector 2010 about their oralsexophobia?

If you haven’t, PLEASE do. Find out why. Talk about your needs. Tell them how important it is to you to not only receive it, but to give it as well. Explain why it is important in your sex life. Communication is SO key in any relationship. ESPECIALLY the sexual part.

3 If N-2010 is not receptive to your needs, and cannot get past whatever it is that turns them off………

Then you as the needy one, has to decide exactly the level of importance oral sexcapades are to you.

Personally, I would tell D to go take a long walk. I absolutely MUST be the main course on a regular basis. I need frequent stimulation. Period. Need it. Like life or fucking death. There is nothing better than a fantastic tongue fucking related o-face.

Dining out, in my opinion, is more than just a luxury. It is as important as cock penetration. Period. If your ball-and-chain cant get it together… I would tell them to kick rocks, OR find someone who WILL do it on the side.

On a side minirant…. if I catch wind of another bitch that doesn’t swallow…. I am going to fucking scream. Giving head and not at least letting him cum INSIDE your face is like giving him a hot fudge Sunday without the fudge. If you don’t want to digest his seed, fine. But don’t make him tell you when he is about to cum so you can move out of firing range.

He.Might.As.Well.Whack.Off.

Nothing irritates me more than a half-assed Betty. DON’T give them then. DON’T get a mans hopes up and then shaft him at the end.

DON’T make us full BJ givers look bad. We give 110 percent, so you need to as well.

K? K.

IF you were to name the emotion that you waste the most time on, what would it be?
Name five songs to which you know all the lyrics.

Tags: blow job betty, cunningulus, fellatio, oral sex

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Mar 4, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, Ranteriffic, Relationships, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch

OMG I am so happy that it is Friday.

You know the drill. Purge your weeks in open letter forum so that you can fully enjoy your weekends.

Dear D,

Okay.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Zac,

Remember when I performed “Sideways” as if I were E-40?

Heh.

When “It Aint No Fun” is performed, I am going to perform it as if it were my song that I wrote. Word for word. Annunciation for Annunciation.

Prepare to be impressed.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear D,

My vagina officially has a password on it. Might wanna start looking or new porn because after 3 failed attempts, you are locked out indefinitely. i.e. fuck off you sneaky sonofabitch.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Tomorrow,

I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED. Like if excited had a password, it would be “SNOOP”. If Snoop had a password it would be “MY TITS IN YOUR FACE”

You cannot come quick enough.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Tarable,

Be careful what you wish for.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear D,

For someone who is trying to not be that guy, you are really being that guy.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Vagina,

You need your cobwebs swept.

Love, Kim

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Mom,

Why don’t you call the firing squad in Oregon to get your irresponsible son on the phone. I am not his fucking keeper. I am sorry that he is avoiding you; I did what I could. Stop calling me eleventy million times every day about it. I did my part.

I love you but gaaaaaaaaah geoufmyface.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear You,

Kick rocks to Panama City and then do something with this:

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear PL,

Dont front like you want this when you really cannot handle it.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear IamgladInevermetyou,

You are a horrible, selfish, 2faced, childish human being. You have zero idea what friendship is or what it even means. I am so glad I never met you.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Life,

Why are you so complicated?

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Fat,

Fuck off and fall off.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Self,

You did it! Now all you need to do is work on repeating it every month. You aren’t gonna be the one with the fluke one time success. You have to apply that success to everything that you do.

Next stop — Hawaii!

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Fake Bitch,

I know what you think of me. I know that you are jealous. The problem is that it is all you. You are jealous because you are jealous … not because I ever did anything to you. I have just been myself and tried extremely hard to form some kind of commonality with you. I cannot help it if you are an insecure person. I cannot help it if you struggle with yourself and your own success/happiness.

What you need to do is stop blaming the world for your own shortcomings.

————————————————————————————————————————-

Now for some much needed eye candy:

British Rugby star Jonny Wilkinson

Annnnnnnnnd the beautiful Monica Bellucci…

Your turn. Let it out. You know you wanna.

Tags: Friday Eye Candy, jonny wilkinson, monica bellucci, open letter

Pillow Talk — 7

Mar 2, 2010 Current Events, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, pillow talk

Yo! Yo! Yo!

I always give love to Ms. Lilu for inspiring my Pillow Talk blogs because she posts The Shiz My Boyfriend Says. And I love her so you should read her. Word?

(while watching SNL…)

Me: “Jlo is both the artist and the guest?”
D: “I dunno…”
Me: “What in the hell is she singing tonight?”
D: “I think she sings some mexi stuff.”
Me: “Mexi stuff? Really?”
D: “You know what I meant.”
Me: “So racist.”
D: “Yeah. That’s me. A closet racist.”
Me: “Like mexi fries? Mexi melt?”
D: “Shutup.”

(20 minutes later …)

Me: “Damn Jlo has ass.”
D: “Somethin’ has to make up for her lack of voice.”
Me: “Seriously. Enrique Iglasias needs to tell his wife about herself because dude. She sounds like a dying cat.”
D: (laughing)
Me: “What?”
D: “Jlo’s husband is not named Enrique.”
Me: “Huh?”
D: “You called Jlo’s husband Enrique Iglasias.”
Me: “Oh whatever. Enrique Iglasias … Mark Anthony … sounds the same to me.”
D: “The names sound absolutely nothing alike.”
Me: “You know what I meant!”
D: “You are the closet racist, not me.”
Me: “Wow.”

(in response to a discussion about a husband wanting an “exercise pole” in the house against his wifes will)

Me: “Any man that wants a stripper pole in the house and the wife doesn’t … that just screams infidelity.”
D: “He SAID it was an exercise pole.”
Me: “It is an infidelity pole.”
D: “I am gonna put a stripper pole in the man cave.”
Me: “You have a motherfucking death wish.”
D: “I have hella seating.”
Me: “I will kill you.”
D: “There are tools down there to install it.”
Me: “You are joking.”
D: “There are MIRRORS down there.”
Me: “There will be no pole ala stripper in my house.”
D: “That is why the man cave is in the garage now.”
Me: “Die.”
D: “I am just saying. OH! There is MUSIC out there too!!!!!”
Me: “I am going to poison you.”
D: “Babe, it is all for you.”
Me: “Yeah because I am gonna walk out to the “Man Cave” and use the fucking stripper pole.”
D: “Why cant we have one?”
Me: “We can have one when we have our own wing in our house.”
D: “Really?”
Me: “Yep. Because if we have a pole, we need a swing and one of those rocking chair dong ride thingies.”
D: “I really love you.”
Me: “Duh.”

If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, which song would you choose?
If you were asked to choose which time you would like to live in, which century would you choose?

Tags: love, marriage, pillow talk, Relationships

Pillow Talk – 6 (Valentine’s Day Edition)

Feb 14, 2010 Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, love, pillow talk

Happy Monday!

I jacked this idea from Lilu … “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says” so I gotta always show her some love. If you don’t read … you should.

It took a little bit of an adjustment period for me to have the opportunity to gather material for these weekly installments, but now that D is on a roll … we are in business.

D: (laying in bed) “Why don’t you come over here and let me pound your pee flaps?”
Me: “My what?!”
D: “Your pee flaps. You know … where you pee … the flaps …”
Me: “Um. I get it but really?”
D: “What can I say. I am a total romantic.”

(10 minutes later)

Me: “Does your hip still hurt old man?”
D: “No. But something else does.”
Me: “What?”
D: “The tip.”
Me: “The tip of what?”
D: “Heh.”
Me: “Is this your creative way of asking me for a blow job right now?”
D: “It is neglected. That is all I am saying.”
Me: (touching it) “Does it hurt right here?”
D: (fake ass whimpering) “Yeaaaahhh”
Me: “Oh wooooooowww right now.”

(ticktockticktockticktock)

Me: “You didn’t use my Dove bar to wash your balls did you?”
D: “No I did not.”
Me: “Speaking of your balls right now…”
D: “You want to put them in your mouth?”
Me: “Pretty sure I just did. And being that I did, I think you should shave them.”
D: (looking)
Me: “You have 70’s porn star balls.”
D: “I am offended.”
Me: “No I am offended. You have 70’s porn star afro balls. Shave them.”
D: “No! They just need a trim!”
Me: “A BIC maybe!”

(same night … as I am dozing off I get a tap on the shoulder. …)

D: “psssssst. Babe.”
Me: “What?!’
D: “I am gonna jump out of a big cake on your birthday this year.”

Me: “That kinda defeats the purpose of it being a surprise if you tell me about it beforehand.”
D: “I am gonna be all oiled up in a banana hammock covered in glitter.”
Me: “Glitter? Really?”
D: “No! I meant sequins! Not glitter!”
Me: “Because sequins are way more manly.”
D: “Anyway, I think I will jump out of a box. Not a cake. A cake would be messier. I am going to jump out, all oiled up … like I said and drop it while its hot … all while professing my love for you.”
Me: “What is up with this sudden profession of love?”
D: “This isn’t sudden!”
Me: “It’s the BJ isn’t it.”
D: “NO! Well … yeah … I mean our love is the icing on the cake.”
Me: “Wow.”
D: “And the sprinkles.”
Me: “Really? You are a piece of work.”
D: “At least I am not a piece of shit. I would rather be a piece of meat.”
Me: “You are my piece of meat baby.”
D: “Did I mention that when I pop up out of this box, I will be wearing tear away chaps and a vest?”
Me: “Uhhhhh… I think you should not do that.”
D: “No?”
Me: “No. Our life is not a walking YMCA Village People music video.”
D: ” I love you.”
Me: “You just love my BJ’s.”

Would you rather eat a scorpion or lick a cactus?

Would you rather have 7 toes or have 7 fingers?

Tags: 1970's, dove, pillow talk, valentines day, village people, ymca

TMIThursday: Barfy Valentines Day, Honey!

Feb 10, 2010 Relationships, Sex, TMI Thursday's, Yum... or Lack There Of., love

Hello my gluttons for TMIThursday punishment!

As always — check out Ms. Lilu for making this recurring day of nastyness that we all kind-of look forward to possible. She rocks, in case you didn’t know.

This TMIT posting comes from Ms. Squishy over at squishisms.com. She is not only one of my besties, but a kick ass blogger. You should read her because she exudes awesomeness.

It’s been 361 days since it happened. I had plans for a girls night with the Teridactyl. This, of course, meant Irish had to find something to do. Luckily for him a friend of ours got laid off that day. Or maybe it was the day he found a new job? I don’t really remember, and it’s moot. The point is – I went out with my girl and our coworkers, and Irish went out with the boys.

It was our first night out without each other since we started dating, a little over eight months. My night started with happy hour – to celebrate 30 Days of NonSmoking with a CoWorker who had quit smoking the same day I did. (Tho, he didn’t really quit, just quit where I could see him – but I didn’t find that out til later.) My drinking began at 4 PM on the dot.

At 11 I was ready for karaoke. It. Was. Time. I could handle anything, including that smoke-filled dive bar full of temptations I’d sworn off – cigarettes being nowhere near the top. And I thought it was time to bring the groups together. Irish’s boys and my crew could all meet at Rags.

But when I called, Irish slurred that he was heading home. He was “shhhhhleeeeeeeeeepy.”

/shrug

But… the longer we drove, and it’s at least a half hour from South Austin, where we were, to North Austin, where my car was, the more tired I grew. My buzz was wearing off and I wanted out of my clothes and into a warm comfy bed…and preferably wakeup wellsexed to boot.

SO I skipped karaoke and came home. Before midnight on a Friday night.

CanISayHowAwesomeItIsToNotHaveToStayOutAllNightToGetLaid?

But when I got home, all the lights were off. This was before the dogs or the roommate, so the house was CREEPYQuiet. Irish was passed the hell out. Didn’t even twitch when I came in and turned on the bedside light. And he was on his stomach, which is odd for him. I undressed, kissed his shoulder, resigned myself to sexlessness, contemplated masturbation, rejected it, climbed into bed and went to sleep…

For all of a few hours… and then something woke me roud about 4 AM.

Quick shallow breathing.

Quiet grunts.

And right as I opened my mouth to alert Irish to the fact that there was someone in the apartment, something hit the back of my head. Something warm and something that DID NOT smell so good.

Yeah. My fiance vomited IN MY HAIR. IN HIS SLEEP.

On Valentine’s Day.

Our FIRST Valentine’s Day.

I rinsed my hair off quietly, made sure he was on his side so he didn’t die…and went to the couch.

And then I knew what love is…

Yep.

(To be fair: (And because he says I have to include it) He did make me steak and cheddar potatoes for dinner. AND AN ICE CREAM CAKE. While Hungover. <3)

Would you rather…

* Be handcuffed to a bed, naked, in the middle of a highway?
* Have pictures of you being handcuffed to a bed, naked, on the Internet?

Tags: karaoke, love, tmit, tmithursday, valentines day

Guess What’s Back … Back Again? Pillow Talk … Tell a Friend

Feb 7, 2010 Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, pillow talk

Happy Monday! Guess who won the Superbowl? Psh like I give a fauxck.

I have had some emails wondering why there have been no Pillow Talk blogs as of late. Not to be a sarcastic cunt or anything but I guess I am wondering how Pillow Talk would be possible when the person (D) on the other pillow is not around to share a conversation with.

Just saying.

So, for your enjoyment, here are some recent conversation between the infamous D and myself.

(This convo took place after last weekend’s shenanigans where some random douchebag thought my name was Nicole … and all of my LOVELY friends played into it by screaming “NIKKI” as I attempted to drunkenly convince him that my name was NOT in fact Nicole or Nikki)

D: “Whatever Nikki.”
Me: “You must want to get stabbed.”
D: “I must admit, you could pull off Nikki if you really wanted to.”
Me: “Is that right?”
D: “Yeah. I mean, Nikki is a slutty name. And well … you are kinda slutty.”
Me: (Pondering)
D: “And, I mean Nikki is a bitchy name too. Like ‘I cant STAND that bitch Nikki.”
Me: “You just have it all figured out, don’t you?”
D: “Hey. I am not the one who thought your name was Nikki. I am just saying. If the slutty shoe fits… call her Nikki.”
Me: “I am going to murder you.”

Approximately 10 minutes later…

Me: “You have to wake me up at 7:30 tomorrow.”
D: “What am I, your personal alarm clock?”
Me: “You are my personal more than that and you know it.”
D: “Psh.”
Me: “Mmmmmhm. That is why you answered like that. Cause you know.”
Me: “7:30. Alright? And you better wake me up nicely.”
D: “I know how I am gonna wake you up. HehHehHeh.”
Me: “NO! I am NOT A MORNING PERSON GOD DAMNIT!”
D: “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”
Me: “Really? Have we just met?”
D: “What I was GONNA say was I would just wake Charli up early and let HER deal with your non-morning person ass.”
Me: “That would be stupid on your part.”
D: “Why?”
Me: “Because she isn’t a morning person either and I will be getting ready for work, so you will have to deal with her bratty ass.”
D: “Fuuuuck.”
Me: “Yep. Better stick to just waking me up nicely.”
D: “Thisdick.”
Me: “You are a 6th grader.”
D: “Deeeeeeznuttts.”
Me: “I often find myself questioning why I even talk to you.”

Because he takes care of me so well when I am sick…

Me: “I feel like shit right now. My throat and ears feel like sandpaper on the inside.”
D: (smirking)
Me: “I wish I could shove my hands down my throat and scratch them. Blah!”
D: “I think I might have a cure for that itch.”
Me: “Idontwantit.”
D: “I am just trying to help you scratch the deepest parts of your throat baby.”
Me: “I swear to Christ I hate you.”
D: “Why such hatred? Here I am fixing the problem and you are so ungrateful.”
Me: “Whatever.”
D: “Fine. Don’t come crying to me when your throat still itches. That is, unless you have made the decision to allow me to *ahem* scratch that itch.”
Me: “Idontwantit!”
D: “Such ungratefulness these days.”

Would you rather fight Mike Tyson, or permanently talk like him?
If you had to assassinate one famous person still living, who would it be and how would you do it?

Tags: love, marriage, mike tyson, pillow talk, superbowl

Meant to Be … ?

Jan 31, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Relationships, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love

I was in a conversation with one of my girlfriends the other night about Meant to Be.

Does it exist?
Are we all pawns in fate’s chess game?

Any one of you who knows me already know what I think. I am a firm believer in karma and fate and all things happen for a reason. That if you are thrown under a bus (figuratively of course … this isn’t some Final Destination deal people) in life … you were thrown there because it is supposed to teach you something.

Which is why I tend to take the realist approach when it comes to life and relationships. When I say relationships, that means every single kind of relationship. Not just romantic ones. In my opinion, we are all in each others lives to serve a purpose. It may be a forever purpose or it may only be a 5 week long purpose. No matter the length of time, there is a lesson in the relationship that was formed.

For example, if D and I were to part ways at some point in the future … for whatever reason, as heartbreaking as it would be for me to let him go … I would remind myself all of the lessons that we taught each other in the time that we shared together. Strength, persistence, dedication, patience … true unconditional love … all of them.

Our time together, be it 10 years or forever was meant to be that way.

It is hard trying to help someone see this who has blinders on. Blinders make normally grown, mature folks do stupid shit. It is what it is, but if we all could just remove them and really look at the situation at hand … we would realize exactly what steps to take to make the right decisions. Not necessarily meaning that if we took them off that we would know the duration of time that relationship was going to be for … because really knowing that is like simply leaving all of the presents under the Christmas tree unwrapped every year.

I am more or less saying that if we all just wrapped our head around the fact that it may or may not end tomorrow … and embraced that relationships for exactly what they are in that moment … we might hurt less and love more. Because in all honesty, if I was unsure that I would wake up tomorrow and not have any of my most important relationships anymore … I would be more apt to embrace them that much harder.

It hurts to watch someone I love misunderstand things. What hurts even more is when I try and offer my wisdom and it goes in one ear and out the other. I should know better though, right? I am the first person to admit that in any given situation, if I am going to learn anything from it … I absolutely have to learn the hard way. It is like written in blood somewhere. I never listen.

So why in the hell would I expect anyone else to listen to me? *grin*

If you are over thinking, over analyzing, reading into every single little “sign” about a current relationship with another person …. no matter what kind of relationship it is … knock it off. Wouldn’t you feel like an asshole if you spent all of the time you could have been spending immersed with them … worried about making sure it didn’t end?

I know I would.

Just some Wicked food for thought. Happy Monday!

Any thoughts on the subject? Any personal experiences?
Do you believe in “Meant to Be?”

Oh … and …

Would you rather be mechanically induced to scream at the top of your lungs for an hour, OR
have your eyes glued shut for a day?

Tags: fate, kismet, love, meant to be, Relationships

An Award annnnnnnnnd A LMFAO Conversation, Etc.

Jan 17, 2010 Etc., Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Yum... or Lack There Of.

Happy Monday Individuals!

I was given a really kick ass award from a new (to me) bloggerslashreader. You should add him to your readers because he is pretty awesome and I quite enjoy his blogs. I really have to give it up to Lilu as well for making the connection between us via TMIT’s every week. I don’t think that she is aware of the impact she has on connecting us bloggers on the interwebs.

The Award is the “Happy 101 Award” and the rules are as follows:

I have to list ten things that make me happy and I have to do one of them today. Then I have to pass the award on to ten other bloggers who I think are deserving. Now, ten things that make me happy:

(These things are in no particular order and I have bolded the ones I have done today.)

1. Masturbating. I could be having an unlimited amount of sex every single day of my life, but I still enjoy a good self-love session. Sometimes, I masturbate AFTER sex. Not because I didn’t get off … but because I fucking feel like it.

2. Blogging. Even if my blog is crap and I don’t have time to put thought into what it is for the day. Even if I don’t publish it … I must blog every single day.

3. Sex. Duh.

4. My ladies make me happy. Tarable, Rach, Squishy, Carol, Cass, Q, Tori, JonnaBonnana, Kim(s), Lirra, Sheesha, Leslie, Chrissie, Angie, Rosie, Chrissa … fuck I know I am forgetting a bitch or 2 but I know you will forgive me.

5. Accomplishing my goals. To know that I set something for myself and then push to make it happen … the best feeling ever.

6. My husband and my kids make me happy.

7. Sleeping in.

8. Reading a good book. Uninterrupted.

9. Making someone else laugh makes me happy.

10. Food makes me happy.

*BONUS*

11. A sexy fucking man makes me happy. Get naked and let me see the GOODS!

12. Shopping. Specifically bargain shopping. New stuff makes me happy.

I would like to recognize the following bloggers and give them the Happy 101 award. Because each of them make me happy every single day when I read their thoughts.

Squish @ Squishisms: Her view of the world makes me happy. Even when she is stabby. Actually MOSTLY when she is stabby.

Jaime @ Life Under Construction: She is hilarious to me. I enjoy her view of life.

MissTricky @ What Happens After: She is one of my oldest and dearest “internet friends”. Bes’ believe that we will be old bitties together one day. Face to Face styles.

Ms. Bethany @ Bethany’s World: She is who she is and says what she thinks in the most diplomatic way I have ever seen.

EroticaBitch @ Verbal Assassin: She is the most kick-assiest Army wife I have ever known.

Moog @ Mental Poo: He is just fucking hilar. Period.

Tori @ Dramatic Sigh: I don’t even have words for her fucking blogs sometimes.

Bradley @ A Jersey Kid: He used to be on a different blog which went on hiatus but is back ( I hope ) just in a different location. I missed him. He tops my favorite blog list ever in the history of blog lists.

Rosie @ Neurotic Ramblings: She is crazy as fuck but I love her. And when I say crazy, I mean it in the most complimentary way possible.

And last but definitely not least …

P.Q. @ DC Princess: She is my numbah1. She within her own crazy self makes me happy.

Now for the LMFAO Conversation between myself and Tarable.

Friday night has been decided as our Girls Night. We are going to start doing stuff together after work … because we deserve it and because we want to. Not necessarily just going to the bar or anything … but having dinner at new restaurants or seeing movies … or … well … going to the bar. Heh.

This last Friday we got pierced. She got her nose, and I got my cartilage in my ear done. Then we went and got some mini box wines and drove around blasting our favorite music.

When we got home, we picked a movie … “Funny People” and while drinking wine and watching it, we decided that we were hungry.

Me: “I want just ONE cheeseburger.”
Tarable: “Courtni! No!”
Me: “Fine.”
Tarable: “How would we get there anyway.”
Me: “Are you already hammered?”
Tarable: “Nooo ooooo…”
Me: “So what you are saying is …”
Tarable: “I am saying that I am off one. And I am going to tell the bitch in the drive thru that. Like, I want 3 cheeseburgers no onion I am off one.”
Me: “Mission accepted.”

So we are on our way to the land of the cheeseburger. I am admittedly waaaaaaaay more buzzed than I originally thought. The level of buzzed where every god damned thing is hilar.

We pull into the drivethru.

DtB: “Welcome to the land of the cheeseburger, may I take your order?”
Tarable (to me): “What was I supposed to say again?”
Me: “Can I have 4 cheeseburgers, no onions I am off one.”
Tarable (to DtB): “Can I have 4 cheesburgers no onioniamoffone.”
DtB: “What was that?”
Tarable: “4 cheeseburgers, no onionIamoffone.”
DtB: (Silence)
Me: Motherfucking DYING laughing.
Tarable: “FOUUUUUUUR CHEEEEEEEEEESEBURGERRRRRRRRRRRSSS, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ONION I.AM.OFF.ONE.”

At this point, I am fucking crying laughing because Tarable was mad at this DtB’s lack of understanding of her SLURRED ass statement of being off one. She probably had ZERO clue as to what “off one” really meant.

We pull up to the window.

Tarable: “Hi. Sorry. I am just off one.”

DtB didn’t laugh.

Me: “OMG I AM GOING TO PEE MY PANTS!”
Tarable: “Courtni!”
Me: (I literally could not look at her. I had my back to her and was all up IN the window.) “I cant helllllllllllp it!”
Tarable: “I am sorry. SHE is off one too.”

We pull up to the NEXT window.

Tarable: “You need to get it together. They are going to spit in our cheeseburgers.”
Me: “I cant help it.”
Tarable: “They might even deny us the cheeseburgers all together! One time I was kicked out of a drivethru for cursing too much!”
Me: “SNORT”
Tarable: “I am not kidding!”

The window opens. It is the SAME fucking lady.

Tarable: “Oh! It is YOU again! Maybe we should have stayed at the other window … no!?”

DtB didn’t laugh.

Me: “OhhhhhhhhhhmyfuckingGODrightnow!”
Tarable: (to the DtB) “Thanks for the cheeseburgers, you were a PEACH.”

So we pull away.

Me: (finally pulling it together) “I cannot believe that you had the audacity to fucking get mad at this fucking lady. This is how you sounded. TWICE “Can I get 4 cheeseburgers, no onionIamoffone.” and then when she was confused, you spoke to her like she was slow … like it was HER fault.”
Tarable: “Well! Whatever! HAHAHAHA!”
Me: “I am totally blogging about this.”

The end. I love us. We are awesome. Like, e = MC AWESOME.

What 10 things make YOU happy today!?

Tags: blogawards, cheeseburger, tarable, that one fast food place, the pursuit of happiness

Preferred Peeves.

Jan 11, 2010 DUH, Family, Honest Tuesday's, Masturbate-able, Random, Ranteriffic, Relationships, Sex, Suck It!, This Thing Called Marriage.

Everyone has preferences. Me, being the picky bitch… has A LOT of them. I mean…. HELLA.

I prefer a man to smell like dryer sheets or soap than cologne. (same with a woman.)
I prefer lilies or wildflowers to roses.
I prefer brunettes to blondes.
I prefer unripe bananas to ripe bananas.
I prefer vodka to any other liquor.
I prefer box wine. (shutup.)
I prefer rough sex to gentle sex. (most of the time)

Speaking of sex, YAY for sex last night. YAY for waking me up with a nice fat D cock, and even more YAY to instantaneous orgasms. I swear, he only gets better with age. No man on the planet can work my body like he can, and in such a short amount of time sometimes.

In this case, gentle sex was better. Mainly because it had been 60 days and I wanted it that way.

*satisfied sigh*

I think I will predict that it is going to be tough to get out of bed in the morning. That might also be why I am in a mood today. A smart ass Cassie kind of mood. HEH.

Oh eat a dick Cass. *snicker* You know you are the smartassiest broad in my life. LMFAO.

Also, I have several pet peeves. I cant help it if little things bother me.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when more than one peeve happens in the same situation.

This makes for a peeved Wicked.

Pet peeve 1~ having to wake up and motivate before 9am without coffee.
Pet peeve 2~ drivers. of any kind. before coffee. (my road rage is awful FYI)
Pet peeve 3~ customer service reps who don’t speak English well enough to carry on a conversation. or actually provide you with the correct services that you asked for.
pet peeve 4~ said non English speaking person referring to you as lady instead of the name I was fucking born with.

Anyway, the other day I had this appointment. These fools want me there at 8 am.

8.
a
m
.

If you aren’t already aware, I am not a morning person. People usually steer clear until after my coffee is gone or after 10am, whichever comes first. So let me tell you how fucking angry I was to be in this place at 8am. And then to have to re-explain why I am here to this fucking guy FOUR fucking times for him to actually understand the words that were coming out of my mouth. (or so I thought anyway)

So I am sitting there, minding my own business, when no speaka comes up and says to me (which brings me to pet peeve … #5)

“Lady you need to ….”

Can you guess what pet peeve 5 is?

Yeah. Someone telling me what I need to do.

Anyfuck.

So I wait for an hour before 10am before coffee after telling this fucker 235673453 times what I needed to fucking have this guy tell me that he fucked up *gasp* and called the wrong department.

i.went.clean.the.fuck.off.

I scared him I think because someone saw me right away. Like less than a minute after I began on my sleep deprived, stress induced, lack of coffee rage.

All he could say was ‘lady’ over and over again. *fuming*

Then I had to listen to this bitch yap on and on about (pet peeve 5) what I need to fucking be doing. Even after I informed her what I was already doing that was what she was trying to tell me what I needed to be doing.

Pet peeve 6~ People talking to hear themselves talk.

What are some of your pet peeves?

Tags: pet peeves, preferences

A Resolution About Family.

Jan 10, 2010 Family, I Forgot to Tag, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Relationships, Wicked Wisdoms

As I have gotten *ahem* … older … I have noticed myself becoming more and more reflective on my life.

Who am I?
What kind of person have I molded myself to be?
What connections have I made?
What connections have I lost over the years?
What does friendship really mean to me?

What does family really mean to me?

The other night I was on FB way too freaking late and my Aunt (my mom’s sister) was online. We have recently reconnected through FB anyway but we hadn’t really chatted. For those of you who don’t know … past my dad’s side of the family (Nana, Papa, Uncles and cousins) and my mom’s mom (who passed away the day Xavier was born) I really have never been close to any of my extended family. The reasons why are not really important, because really … some are silly but some are too serious to put in a blog. Bottom Line: I am kinda “meh” about family.

It is the one way D and I differ. It is also the one way Tarable and I differ.

My parents and my brother get it. I call when I feel like it. If I don’t … they don’t take it personal. I am me whether at a parent present dinner or not. There is no difference in who I am in front of them. Period. I say what I think and if they are offended … well too fucking bad. The coinflip is quite similar. My dad and I butt heads a great deal because of differences of opinion. But I still voice it.

*shrug*

When I married D, I was introduced to what a big family looks like. Meaning, a big family who grew up around each other and have that bond. Where no matter how many years pass from the last time you could just fall back into it like no time has passed.

I never really had that with any of my extended family.

So when I was talking with my Aunt, it was really surreal to see her life in front of me, none of it that I knew about. She has grandbabies. She had 1 other kid that I didn’t even know about. I have cousins that I don’t even know.

So as we were talking, I asked about my grandma’s sister. She and I were so close growing up as a kid. She is sassy and loud and opinionated as all get out. My aunt told me that she lives less than 15 minutes from my house. Really?! I haven’t spoken to or seen her since my grandma passed … and she lives 15 minutes from me?!

Gah.

So I got her phone number and vowed to call her. On Sunday morning, I called her. We talked for an hour and it was really really awesome to hear her voice. We made plans to hang out this next weekend. I am really excited to see her. It is a piece of family that I haven’t had in my life for a decade.

“Reunited and it feeeels so goooood.”

Our conversation had me come to a decision. That is to get to know my family who I have only met once or twice … or even never before. Because they are pieces of me. Because of them I am me and I think it is important to have some idea of who they are. Even if I end up hating their guts which is probably likely because I hate most everyone.

Resolution # 235634 : Know my family.

Have a great week!

Do you have a big extended family?
What does the word “Family” mean to you?

Tags: Family