Living Wicked

‘Scuse Me … I Just Vomited In This Blog.

Aug 29, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, Etc., Fitness Forward, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, bitch

Today is as good a day as any to write a blog about things that have been 1) happening 2) not happening and 3) wandering around my thoughts like a transient.

Can you picture a transient with their backpack-on-a-stick in my head? Can ya?

What exactly is today though? Today is Friday. That is it. It is not a special day by any means. It is a Friday just like any other Friday. Instead of doing what I am supposed to be doing which is my job – I am sitting here pondering what this blog will discuss.

(by the time you are reading it though, it could very well be Sunday or Monday … but whatever.)

(Sorry K.A.)

Shit, this blog might turn in to more than one if it gets too lengthy. I may very well word vomit the fuck out of your eyes if I get a wild hair.

Don’t tempt me.

This brings me to my first thought: Should I even still blog here? It doesn’t seem like I have very many people interested in what I have to say anymore. Not that I necessarily blog for people specifically, but the commentary usually consists of 25% real comments 75% spam about a god damn vibrator website or something?

Hmmmmm … Are these spambots trying to tell me something?

Today I am wearing my fat pants. They are jeans that I haven’t worn in over a year because they were falling off of me. Literally. Not today. No way. They are quite fitted today and that actually sent me to tears over it this morning when I was looking in the mirror.

The reason behind me wearing my fat pants today might have a little something to do with the hand-to-mouth issue I have been having lately.

11PM chocolate doughnut in my mouth? Not helping.

Mashed potatoes? Not helping.

I cannot even remember all of the stupid stress/emotional/pitypartyaboutmyfatness eating I have done as of late but because of it I have gone backwards instead of forward. Now my cute clothes clothes don’t fit and I feel like shit.

So here I sit, wearing my fat pants feeling all crappy about it. And as I re-read this last thought, I am like “fuck should I really even write it? It sounds all whiny and pathetic to even be talking about it yet AGAIN. Maybe I should shut up and run my fat ass to the gym more than once in a blue moon.”

Or maybe I will do both.

Just because I fell off the wagon and picked up 10lbs along the way doesn’t mean that I cant catch back up to it and hop on.

Yeah to some it is “only 10lbs” or “you have picked up a little weight, it isn’t a big deal” but it is a lot of pounds and an even bigger deal to me. To me I can feel it from the inside out and I am not a fan. If I could find the central location of said 10lbs and click the dislike button on them I would.

That also means I am now 25 pounds from my goal. Damnit.

Moving on.

I have an opinion about specific people lately that I have spent a lot of energy keeping to myself. It is probably why there has been an absence in my blogs. Because there becomes a point where no matter how unsugarcoated and blunt I am … there is a line where too blunt could cause a rift in other peoples lives who have little to do with any of my opinions. One has to be careful when being blunt as an adult sometimes which I think is bullshit.

What I will say though is that I absolutely despise flakes. I think that Mrs. Good is my #1 advocate on this very subject actually. I am pretty sure that she could go on for hours about it if she had the time. The fact is flakiness = inconsideration for others. I am too old to have this lack of consideration in my life.

This is how non-flakiness is supposed to work:

Friend: “Lets make plans for Tuesday”
Other Friend: “Perfect! Give me a call when you have an idea what time you will be free!”
Friend: “For sure!!

Fast forward to Tuesday. What is supposed to happen is the friend is supposed to call the other friend. Why? Because that friend was the plan initiator. The other friend is the plan recipricator. The other friend goes about their business as any other Tuesday business would go. What actually happens is the friend never calls. Not to confirm or to cancel. The friend just lets the day come and go and thinks that it is okay.

Non-flakes call. They say things like “Man, I am so sorry that I cannot make it. I overbooked myself today. Can we reschedule?” How freaking simple is that? I am just wondering because fuck if people have no clue how to do this simple step.

Furthermore, there comes a point where people need to be held accountable for their actions. I will (reluctantly) be the first to admit when something is my bad. I will (force myself through gritted teeth) to apologize when I am wrong. What I will not do is try and let time pass and act as if just because 2 weeks passed, everything is now okay between me and someone else.

Lets not ignore the elephant in the room people. It is sitting right there. Say “how’d ya do!?” and keep it pushin.

Don’t come at me sideways because I sit on the elephants lap while you do the avoiding responsibility dance. Friend, family, co-worker … I don’t give a fuck. Own your shit. Or stay out of my life.

Ya digg?

Furthermore I would like to say the following to a certain couple of catty bloggers in the ’sphere: “Hate away bitches. Continue on with your high school mean girls ways. What is going to happen is this: You will come to a point where 1) people will get over your clique-y bullshit. 2) You will interact with some adults who will clown you to tears and let you and everyone else catty that is around you know what is up with your bullshit.

The bottom line is this. You may be all power trip queen of your metropolitan area, but you are not queen of the world. Your circle is not that big and I don’t give a fuck how tweet savvy you are. Karma is a bitch. Remember that.

Oh. And also, I really really really really want my long hair back. I am so sick of it being short that I could cry.

On that note, life is alright and I miss blogging but I need some people to make me feel like they want me to keep blogging here. Deal?

Name the one current event that has you fired up (in a good OR bad way) right now.

Honest Tuesday’s: I Don’t Slither.

Jun 28, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, Honest Tuesday's, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, Suck It!

Call me a cunt. Call me a vulgar, loud mouthed bitch. I don’t give a shit.

What you cannot call me is a snake. Or a liar. If you do, I might very well give you an eye-jammie for it.

Just saying.

For those of you who regularly read my blogs … I seem to get the maddest about the same 5 or 6 specific things. So, here is your advance apology for 1) any repeated information and 2) being a bit vague.

Moving on.

The one thing that makes my blood boil the most has to be liars. Liars and people who will do anything in their power to get ahead. Even if it means sending another person to the wolves. Even if it means selling their soul to the devil.

I would rather spend my life with nothing, living with my 2 kids and D in my Mazda, than ruin anothers simply so that I can move past them in the food chain.

It is point one as to why I hate corporate environments. Why I have avoided any sort of leadership position for years. Why I kept business and personal so separate. I was actually turned away from and said no to promotions because the powers that be above me who made the decisions knew that I was a brutally honest person and that I called it like I saw it. No matter what. The one promotion I was offered, and took into a leadership position was the best possible situation and my manager at the time (Goddess bless her) just got me. She was my mentor and my friend and when push came to shove, she would grab me by the ear and drag me into a conference room to either 1) tell me about myself or 2) let me yell it out to HER rather than to someone that might go crying to HR about some shit like a fucking vagina.

I can’t help it. It is in my blood. It is something that I will never ever change simply to make an extra buck and in all of the positions I have ever held, I have been perfectly content saying what I wanted to say in my measly hourly waged position.

It hurts my feelings to feel like I am surrounded by dishonest people. I have left many a position because of this very feeling. I am unhappiest in a place where I am forced to wonder who I can and cannot trust. The problem is really that everywhere I end up … it follows. It follows because this world is filled with snakes in human form.

As much as I try to surround myself with like-minded people, the bottom line is that no matter where you end up … they are there, slithering their snakey selves around. Smiling in faces, kissing asses … and making me fucking crazy.

These reasons are also the reasons why my end goal is to own my own business. Because then, when the snake-head is revealed, I can fire their fucking asses and send THEM straight to hell where their snakey asses can become appetizers for the devil himself.

I don’t slither. I won’t slither. Not for you, not for money not for anyone.

I will however, stand up and be a good person and tell the truth, even if that means that I am the bad guy. I will tell you about yourself when you need to be told and I will always say what everyone else will not say. Hate me for it or love me for it, I don’t care.

I can’t talk specifics. Those who read my blog who know what I am talking about know why. But this is my purge place. My house of self-written therapy. If I don’t get it out I will explode and that in itself is full of ugliness. I am a happier, more positive person here. It has been weighing on me for weeks and it feels good to blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahg it out.

Happy Tuesday. Come be honest with me about things you cannot be honest with anyone else about. No judgment.

(p.s. thanks for listening)

Tags: corporate politics, liar liar pants on fire, snakes, work

Stupid.

May 3, 2010 Current Events, DUH, Etc., Random, Ranteriffic

Stupid is a great word.

You can use it in many different contexts.

Also, It is not considered a curse word either so really I could call a bitch fucking stupid without saying the word “fucking” in a public place and it be perfectly okay.

Furthermore, it makes me happy to utter the word.

Stupid.

Is that odd?

Whatever. You are stupid if you think it is.

Tarable is stupid.
But Tarable says that *I* am stupid.
But really she is the stupid one.
So is Kim. Kim is hella stupid.

Asshole cowards who don’t tell people the truth instead they lead them on are stupid.

Anyway, if your name is Ken Adams then you are also stupid.

If you don’t like my blog today then you are stupid too.

Those one bitches at the bar are stupid. You know the ones.

People who look like they are going to the club while working out at the gym are fucking stuuuuuuupid.

The end.

What do YOU think is stupid?

If I Were A Business

Apr 28, 2010 Current Events, DUH, Ranteriffic, Wicked Wisdoms, bitch

I am a consumer. A buyer. I want what I want, and when I set my mind to purchasing whatever it is that I want to purchase… I want it now.

It goes back to the little teeny bit of Veruca Salt inside of me.

When I make a decision to buy something, be it a camera or a pair of shoes or a tanning package, I require the same criteria:

1) The seller is nice to me.

2) No matter if I am scrubby or dolled, I am treated as if I have eleventy million dollars in my pocket.

3) I am made to feel somewhat important.

4) The seller is knowledgeable in the product I am purchasing.

It goes across the board. I will not buy a motherfucking breath of air from you if I am blue in the face from lack of oxygen if you are not on your game. I will walk out the door and spend the latter part of my life looking for the exact same product AND I will gladly pay more money strictly because of principal.

Furthermore, I will not refer business.

It frustrates me to no end when I reach out, as a consumer, and I am blown off.

This recently happened to me. Do you remember the impatient haircutting incident from earlier this week? Yeah. I am still waiting to hear from a potential stylist. I emailed her on Sunday. And again yesterday.

Guess what? I am going to happily pay double on Saturday for another stylist to cut my hair. Yup. Annnnnnnnd I am going to refer her services out to as many people as possible.

Take that nonresponsivestylist! You just lost at least 5 repeat customers.

Do the motherfucking math.

What kind of consumer are you?
What is the worst buying situation you have been a part of?

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Apr 15, 2010 All Things Charli, All Things X, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., Yum... or Lack There Of.

It is Friday. Who is fucking STOKED?

It is what it says:

Dear Owner 1,

Really?

You don’t want to enhance your ownership because of the Icelandic Volcano eruption?! Because it is going to cause economical chaos?

Please.

Just admit that you cannot afford the extra $30. It is fine if you can’t … but just be honest.

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Dear Owner #2,

I am not that disappointed at the fact that you decided NOT to enhance your ownership, even though you agreed with me all the way through our conversation as to exactly WHY you should do it. I am also not that disappointed that you lied to my face when you said you could afford it. What I am most disappointed about is that you didn’t have the balls to just pick up the phone and tell me.

Nothing says coward like phone call dodging. Why did you even bother to set up the fucking call back today if you knew you weren’t gonna answer the phone?

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Dear D,

I am working on my patience.

You need to work on your positivity.

Together, those things will allow us to conquer the world.

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Dear Jackson,

If you don’t get the fuck out of my face at 3AM because you are hungry … I am going to freak out.

Furthermore, fucking make a decision: Inside or Outside. This isn’t your personal concierge service where we open the door and let you in every 5 minutes.

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Dear Xavier,

If you tell your sister that there are monsters in her room one more god damn time, I am going to make it my mission to freak you the fuck out in your sleep.

Like REE REE REE REE REE REE REE!

I would like to have my bed to myself and not with her in it trying to put her feet down my pants every fucking night with her sharp ass toenails. (no bullshit this happens)

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Dear Asshole,

You need to man up and say it.

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Dear Ken Adams,

YouuuuuuuuMuddaFucka.

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Dear Charli,

“Mom I have to go potty” happens BEFORE you pee your pants … not after.

Capeche?

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Dear Self,

Get off of your fat ass and get it together.

Exercise. Eat better.

See those skinny clothes? They aren’t gonna expand to accommodate your fat ass.

I am disgusted.

———————————————————————————————————

Also Self,

Sell some motherfucking credits.

Thanks.

———————————————————————————————————

Oh and another thing Self,

Good job learning how to drive a stick. You made it such a big god damn deal and it didn’t have to be one.

Yay you!

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Now for some eye candy!

Wentworth Miller

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd Isla Fisher

Alright folks … you know the drill. Purge your shit in open letter forum so that you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekend!

Tags: isla fisher, wentworth miller

Who Really Cares? Oh Wait … WE Do.

Apr 13, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, Random, Ranteriffic, Relationships, Thoughts and Perceptions

I think that Hollywood is funny. I like to read the shit that is put out there about “America’s Royalty” simply for amusement purposes.

What is the most funny to me is that there is all of this hoopla made over shit that celebrities do.

Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike … Infidelity.

Um. That happens to e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. for the most part. I don’t know many people who have not either cheated or have been cheated on. Myself included. On both ends.

But when a big shot … an idol … an ICON does it.

BLADOW!

Then come allllllllllllllllllll of the others. Out of nowhere.

“I fucked him!”
“She said she loved me!”
“I was his mistress from such and such and such and such!”

Is it truth? Is it money hungry? Where is the proof other than he said/she said?

But really, that is completely so far from the point. Actually, the point is … who the hell cares? But … then again … that is the actual problem. People actually care that Tiger Woods is a complete sex addict sociopath. They are emotionally invested in the fact that *gasp* Jesse James and Sandra Bullock are not the perfect couple that the press portrayed them to be.

Liiiiiiiiiiiiiike … Family issues.

People get divorced. It happens. How many people know someone who has been through a divorce/custody battle or have been through it themselves?

Exactly.

Yet. A celeeeeeebrity couple gets divorced and is dealing with custody issues … and …

BLADAW

One parent talks shit about the other in an “exclusive interview”.
So then the other finds an network to “exclusively” talk shit about the other parent.

Do they ever talk shit to each other? Or just publicly? What about their kids?

Again — besides the point. Dirty laundry is dirty laundry and it needs to be kept in the hamper and not out in the middle of the fucking street for everyone to see. And again … people actually give a shit. Emotionally attached to people whom we don’t even fucking know.

I have an idea. It might be far-fetched but I am going to reach for it. I am also gonna attempt to live it myself … because like I said at the very beginning, I read into this nonsense for amusement. Regularly.

You ready?

Maybe, just maybe … redirect that attention toward the relationships that actually matter.

Our own marriages/relationships.
Our own promises.
Our own kids.
Our own friendships.

We might all see a drastic improvement in them if we spent the time investing in our own, rather in the relationships of complete strangers.

I dunno. Just a thought.

What color is your toothbrush?
Did you have a nickname in high school?
Choose a storybook character that attracts you the most?

Tags: jesse james, jon and kate plus 8, jon gosselin, kate gosselin, paparazzi, sandra bullock, tabloid, tiger woods

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better!

Apr 11, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., Friendship, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Ranteriffic, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy Mothereffing Monday Peeps!

How was your weekend? Mine was rad. I spent time with my D and my kids and my friends … some old and some new. As much as I hate people, within the past few months I have been surrounded by awesome new friends.

Saturday night, we went to a friends house to celebrate his birthday. As with all house parties … there are a few regular “types” of people.

The Douchebag. You know him. He is too drunk and all up in everyone’s face, thinking he knows something about everything and everyone. He will challenge you. He will test every fiber of your patience. He is annoying. He is a bugaboo. He usually is related to someone so you cant ever not invite him without it being a BFD.

The Drunk Slut. Yup. I am sorry (not really) in advance if this is you. She usually is not cute until you have had 3-5 beers/shots. She *thinks* she is the hottest fucking thing on the planet. She flirts with husbands, boyfriends, fiances and single men. She talks shit about all of her “competition”. (i.e. any bitch cuter and more awesome than she is)

The Clingy Broad. She came with a friend of a friend who had since ditched her and now she is following you and all of your friends around the party like a mangled lost little puppy dog. She laughs too loud at shit that is not that funny. She tries to be funny … and really, the only thing funny is to make fun of her stupid ass.

One type of party goer … is more of an endangered species. A rare form of asshole that is seen only once in a blue moon.

This type of person emerges when its tiny little form of “manhood” is tested by something far more awesome than it is.

Example: Saturday night. D, Tarable, Kim and I show up at the parlay ready to get down.

Before I will go into it, let me preface this with the fact that I LOATHE talking about work when I am not at work unless it is a work function. And even then. When I am kickin’ it … getofmyfaceaboutthepoebiz. Also, I am not a braggart. You and I both know that I am awesome, so there is zero need to broadcast it to everyone.

Ya digg?

Anyway, within 10 minutes, we were approached by fuckers who thought it to be important to start competing with us. About work. A few comments pissed me off and riled me up a great deal. I said my piece (duh) … but today, after thinking about it, it simply made me glad that me and the people who I work with/associate with simply are not that way.

It is tacky and douche-y and childish.

I don’t need to play the “Anything you can do I can do better … I can do anything better than you” game. Because bottom line: It is a horrible display of character. Anyone who needs to make people feel like shit for any success … is a piece of shit in my book. And I am not one to voluntarily associate with pieces of shit.

So for the record: I don’t give a fuck. Period. If you are a better salesperson or any other kind of person than I am, fantastic. But if you think that trying to rub the news of it in my face is going to gain any sort of respect from me, you are sadly motherfucking mistaken. Furthermore, if you have to be “that guy” …. then I am pretty sure that you suck.

Oh. And one other thing. You don’t fucking know me. So keep my name out of your motherfucking mouth.

Kraft Mac & Cheese OR Velveeta Shells & Cheese?
Name Something:
wonderful
weird
wild
wrong
warm
weak
white
wet

Tags: anything you can do i can do better, kraft mac n cheese, place of employment, velveeta shells and cheese

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Apr 8, 2010 All Things Charli, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, Relationships, You've Got Wicked Mail

Happy Mooooooooooooooootherfucking Friday.

Here we go again folks. This is the place to come to so that you can purge all of the bullshittery you experienced this week … and stumble into an enjoying weekend.

Woot.

Dear Self,

Yep. You surely did get told allllllllllll about yourself today. It is cool. Because of it, you are going to be successful and that is awesome.

Don’t allow others to sabotage your success.

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Dear Kate from JonandKateplus8,

I had your back. When everyone called you a (rhymes with) bunt I said that you were a mama bear protecting your babies.

I hoped that you would get it together to the point that you actually would do that.

But nooooooooooooooooooooooooo. You have attempted to create this “brand” and all it has really done is make an ass out of yourself.

Disappear. I am tired of seeing your horribly done extensions and lack of dance moves.

Geoufhere.

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Dear D,

What I love most is how you are really committing to making this family the best family out there. I couldn’t imagine sharing and building and loving another person. It’s gonna all work out the way it is supposed to.

Until then, we just gotta go with the flow.

I love you and I am proud to be your wife.

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Dear Bosses,

You will BOTH get pummeled.

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Dear Ken Adams,

JUST when I am convinced that I couldn’t hate you more … you go and pull some shit where you are nice and thoughtful and then I REALLY hate you because I actually kinda like you for a second.

Fucker.

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Same with YOU.

I fucking hate you. And your face.

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Dear Friend,

Sometimes you blow my mind. I wish you saw the things you do with someone elses eyes.

I still love you but for fucks sake.

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Dear Carol and Squishy and Cass and Chrissie and Q,

Thank you for being such amazing, loving, understanding, far away friends.

I wish all of your faces were in my face more.

Love you.

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Dear Charli,

I am so proud of your potty accomplishment!

Now if you would simply be consistent. K?

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Dear Tiki Barber,

1 word: Douchebag.

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Dear Workfucker,

I really do not like you.

Like not even a little. Your longwindedness and the fact that you just think you are sooooooooooooooooo cool is more annoying than anything.

I wish that you would shut up.
I wish that you didn’t talk to me.
I wish that you weren’t involved in shit that I am involved in simply because of the work connection.

Blah.

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Dear Asshole,

Someday you are going to have to learn not to blame shift. You and I both know you were wrong for that move.

Own it. Man up.

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Dear One Guy,

You are fucking ANNOYING as shit. OMG. I am going to delete you from my life if you don’t simmah the hell down. Do it. Stop trying to act like you know something about me when you know shit. Less than shit actually.

Blah.

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Now for some eye candy!

Brazilian Model Bernardo Velasco. Um … Hi.

And hottie actress Erin Cummings

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah. That is what I am talking about. Hot stuff.

Alright folks. You know the drill. Spill it. Purge it. GO an enjoy your weekend.