Living Wicked

AllByMyselfania: Catsup

Jun 15, 2009 DUH, Etc., Fitness Forward, Masturbate-able, Plunges, Random, Yum... or Lack There Of., bitch

In my excitement for my vacation, I forgot to pay my internet bill. Oops. So I have been without internet (except for my phone) this entire time.

I am not really pissed about it either. I am pretty sure that if I would have had internet … I would have been on here a hell of a lot more than I should have been given the non-kid-fucking-do-what-I-want-naked circumstances.

Anyway, so I have had a great little break from my reality. I said I was gonna journal. I didnt. I did, however do a couple of things that I hadn’t ever done before… or at least not since I was a small girl. (small in size not age)

I bought a dress. I havent owned a dress since prom. (read: 12 years ago) I actually have been seeking a dress that makes me feel good when I am wearing it for months now, and havent felt *that* feeling until Saturday.

Did I take a picture to post? Nope. (I know I am a beeyotch.) It is a wear-in-Vegas dress for sure so you will see it then.

I bought another dress today when I got paid too. I tried 2 on and loved them both but only needed one. So I said to myself “If I am still thinking about the dress come Monday when I get paid… I am buying it.”

I woke up thinking about it, so I had to buy it. *grin*

The second thing I did was wear it sans any sort of spanks garment underneath. I would say that I am/in-transition-to-used-to-be a slimmer addict… not because I am necessarily rolling out of my clothes or anything … I think it was/is more a security blanket. And I took the plunge and didnt hide beneath it.

I am proud as fuck of myself.

I also did everything on my list that I said I would.

I also signed my lease. The lease that says on July 1st, I move into a 3 bedroom house with a fenced fucking yard. It is closer to work. It is the same monthly rent as my apartment is.

Can anyone say AWESOME!?

Right. Excuse me while I gross Cass out and air hump.

Also:

Today at Walmart my friend Jill and I were walking behind this meth head with open sores all over her body. She was scratching her ass as she walked down the lot… like I COULD SEE ALMOST ALL OF HER ASS CRACK complete with open sores all over it. I literally threw up in my mouth.

Mental picture? I think so! (Tuesday TMI bitches.)

Also ALSO:

I lost 10 pounds.

WOOOOOO!

That’s all  I got.

What did you do this weekend?
If you could take a trip for 3 days anywhere in the world, where would you go and who would you take?

Tags: dress, naked, shopping, weight loss

AllByMyselfania: Day 1

Jun 12, 2009 Etc., Fitness Forward, Friday Eye Candy, Masturbate-able, Plunges, Random, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions

(As David sweetly titled it this morning)

Yesterday didn’t count really as actual vacation. It was the “Travel Day” of the vacation, and last night I checked into the “hotel” and got settled.

It is nice to have my house to myself. I layed in bed naked and walked around naked and watched TV naked and talked to Tarable naked and slept under D’s blanket (shutup) naked. I like being naked. This picture is how I feel when I am naked in bed. (heart)

The rush of the day left my house a sty when I got home from school. I rocked the final, and decided to do a little bit of celebrating with a couple of glasses of wine. Yeah, it is cheating but I don’t feel guilty. I have successfully changed my diet and am sticking to healthy eating… going on to week 3 with little slips and a lot of successes. The one thing I did notice about drinking while SB’ing… you get drunk way faster than normal due to zero carbs in your system.

I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Today I say it is not a good thing. My stomach is demanding bread and I am fighting the urge to not give in. I know it would make me feel better.

Its cool, I deserve it.

Today I am gonna do something different and journal it. I am not quite sure what yet, but I am gonna try to do something different every day on my mini vacation, journal it and then blog about it for you! (Thanks Sunshine!)

So far, on the agenda:

*Finish work (I HAD to come in for a couple of hours)
*Run a couple of errands and pay bills
*Gym
*Pedicure/Manicure
*Tanning
*TAKE A NAP (naked)
*Masturbate
*Not rush anywhere OR do anything I dont want to OR feel pressured to do something that I dont want to do.
*Cook something new.
*Read a book. Or at least start one.
*Spend some time alone at home.
*Stop at a couple of garage sales.

Happy Friday, Friends! From this Friday on, I will have Friday eye candy.

This Friday’s eye candy is Tyrese. I dont give a damn if chocolate is your favorite … you cannot deny those abs. Yum!

What new thing should I try this weekend?
Do you have a SB friendly recipe suggestion?
Open Letter Friday is part of today’s blog… but I don’t have one to share today. That doesn’t mean that you can’t. Do you need to tell someone about themselves and cant? Do it here so you can fully enjoy your weekend.

Tags: candy, eye, journal, naked, open letter, tyrese gibson, vacation

Even the Lightbulb in My Head Procrastinates

Apr 20, 2009 Addiction & Recovery, DUH, Friendship, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Plunges, Random, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

I wrote last week about how in my motivational interviewing/counseling techniques class we were asked to pick a behavior about us that we would like to work on changing… with the purpose being to learn to be good counselors and not good actors. The intent is to practice specific techniques with real behaviors… so that we get an idea of how we act and react naturally in all facets of the field.

The behavior that I am working on is my excessive and methodic procrastination.

Last week, the focal question was “What are the positives in continuing this behavior?” I was really unable to think about what the positives were in me waiting until the very last minute to do everything… and knowing that I am doing it.

This week, the focal question was “What are the negative consiquences associated with not continuing this behavior?” This question stumped me. If I am addressing this behavior as something that is not good… then what could possibly be negative about not continuing?

So we go in order, with me being the client last. I listened to the others in my group, and was still stumped as to what the negative was in me not continuing to procrastinate. When we finally got to me, I started talking about all of the things I was doing to try and chane the behavior… and how I was so far pretty successful in doing so up to now. As I was talking it out, I began to realize the reason. The method to my madness.

It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. Sound effects and all.

As I was telling my ” counselor” about  my behavior, I started talking about how it was as if I was subconsciously yet purposefully procrastinating doing things in every avenue of my life. And that was it. I realized that I break the rules a bit when I procrastinate. I know that I need to have things done by a certain time. I am aware that I need to be in specific places by set times. But I don’t follow those rules.

Why? Because. I have been placed in the role of the responsible person. I am the one who has dug her size 9’s in the sand and have made this strong, sturdy foundation of my life… and my family. Especially with D on the road to recovery, and in dealing with his addiction for so long… I have owned the role as the rock. I cannot remember the last time when I did not consider others in my decisions. I dont know how to just let loose and do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And whether or not I placed myself there and didn’t know it… or if I was put there by someone else… or both… doesn’t really matter. I am breaking little rules. I am in control of these little acts of irresponsible rebellion.

I like that they, as small as they may be, are  my own little outs. Don’t we all need to feel like rebels once in awhile?

So now I wonder if my procrastination is something that I really want to change. There are risks and rewards in every behavior. This risk could at worst affect my job… if I simply stop making a conscious effort to be to work on time.

Do I want to give up the little things that I do have control and rebellion over? I dont know for sure.

What I do know is that, in these 3 weeks of talking about things… I have learned that I do not spend enough time looking inward. I am so focused on the well being of the people who surround me, that I forget that my soul needs cleansed once in awhile. I may not be in recovery, but I still have things within me that are broken and that desperately need repair.

Maybe, I will address that baby step like I have been doing… and tackle it head on, rather than try and work on all aspects of my procrastination problem being that it has the most risk associated with it and then go from there.

Baby steps… Right!? GAH!!!

Have a great day!

Do you break little rules? What?
Did you pick something to work on with me? What?
How are you coming on your baby steps from last week? I know that some of you were tackling some pretty heavy stuff. I would love to hear about your progress.

Also, a special TMI for Tuesday, because we all deserve a good laugh.

Tarable called me today to tell me that when she was unpacking the box with her purses and clothes in it, she found one of her old dildos inside one of her ‘going out purses’. She said… and I quote: “You know it was on one of my drunken slutty rampages because … um … it wasnt washed.”

Picture THAT! HAHAHAHAAHAHAH!

Any similar stories to share?

Tags: counselor, late, procrastinate, school, sleep, work

Procrastination Station

Apr 14, 2009 Addiction & Recovery, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Plunges, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

I have a tough quarter in school ahead of me. Mentally.

In one of my counseling classes we are learning how to … well … be counselors. So in order to actually use the skills we have learned so far rather than become really good at pretending with fake issues… we have all picked a behavior to work on changing over the course of the quarter, and hopefully on a permanent basis.

The behavior I chose to consciously work on was my premeditated procrastination. Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? I know. But listen.

I know that it takes me 25 minutes to get ready for work. Therefore, I only allow myself that exact amount of time to get ready.

I do my homework at the very last moment allowed. Sometimes, the paper is still warm from the copier when I turn it in.

If I have a deadline, there is no motivation for me to do it early. Even if the material is available days before. I will not even begin to think about doing it until the very last minute allowed.

These are only a couple of examples.

I literally have always been this way. And, as I procrastinate everything else… I have procrastinated on changing this behavior. Even to the point of making efforts to change… and then procrastinating on those efforts. As silly as it sounds, I think that my excessive putting-shit-off-until-the-last-minute has a lot to do with my hunger for controlled chaos. I do not like to feel bored or unchallenged. Not even a little bit.

So, I purposefully put as much shit off as possible. It is like having to pee really bad… but waiting until I am performing the pee-pee dance to actually go to the bathroom.

So, before we even talked about it, I started working on it.

I have been on time to work every day for the last 2 weeks. (give or take 5 minutes)
I am almost finished with my monthly deadline requirements … ahead of schedule.
I have my homework done 2 weeks in advance.

Go me!

My sleep deprived point tonight is that we all have those underlying things that we think about changing about ourselves. Some are more pressing issues than others are. Other things take time and sometimes professional assistance. If you have been standing at Procrastination Station like I have been… maybe today is as good as any to pick one and hop on for the ride. I am 2 weeks into my changes, and I feel really good about the little progress that I have made so far. Eventually, I would like to take on another thing… because I have a couple more that I would like to tackle eventually… but I won’t get ahead of myself.

Baby steps, you know?

Have you thought about something specific you would like to adjust about the already amazing you… to make you that much more amazing?
Are you a procrastinator?
Do you thrive in chaos?
If you could describe you today as a color… what color would you be today and why?
Have you taken any baby steps lately?

Tags: behavior, changes, pee pee dance, procrastinator, school, train station

Arm Wrestling With Apologies

Apr 12, 2009 DUH, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Plunges, Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

You wanna know what is awesome?

Being able to admit fault.

I think that the ability to take a step back and re-live a moment that you may or may not have had a part in, admitting your fuck-ups, and then moving on is an attribute that many do not possess. I think it is because it is easier for people to blame shift and make excuses. It takes a strong individual to really have the balls to stand up and say “My Bad” or “I apologize for my part in this fucked up situation” and truly be genuine about it.

I hate forced apologies. That is why I rarely apologize. No shit. In the almost 10 years that I have been with D, I have made pro-active apologies (meaning me initiating them) maybe 20 times. And we fight a lot. We used to anyway… like, we went 2-3 years at the beginning of our marriage fighting on a daily, even hourly basis. Many fights that I initiated.

Did I initiate the apology after? Nope.

In fact, if you know me… I will do pretty much everything EXCEPT apologize. And when I have, they have almost always been in a card that has a pre-written “I’m sorry” inside of it with some cute animal with sad eyes holding a heart on the front. D has a shoe-box full of them.

This is more of an “Old Wicked” trait than a new. I am better at owning responsibility then I used to be… so now if I am truly at fault, and I know it… I will throw out those horrid words.

“I am sorry.”

Blah. Old or new, past or present… I would rather eat my arm off sometimes than utter an apology.

But I do it. I suck in all of the reasons why I don’t want to, I brush the cunt off of my shoulder that is insisting that whatever bitch thinks they deserve an apology from me can suck it… and I just plunge into that moment of humility.

A heartfelt apology means so much to someone who truly deserves it.

That is all I’ve got today folks. Hope you are having a great Sunday evening-slash-Monday morning.

So… Do you struggle with apologies?
Do you try to do other things to avoid apologies? What?
What is the hardest apology that you have ever had to suck up and own?

Tags: apologies, argument, awesomeness, blame shift, excuses, humility, i'm sorry, marriage, plunge

The Fuck Stops Here.

Mar 17, 2009 Friendship, Plunges, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

There are many reasons in the world as to why I detest bitches. My hatred for many who possess the all mighty vagina has a great deal to do with why I do not have many close knit girlfriends. I choose not to let very many broads into my heart.

Why?

Because bitches are fucking evil. They are snakey, manipulative, and competitively jealous. I have been burned by more female friendships than I can count on fingers and toes… and more often them than boys I have had penile contact with. These evil skanks will suck every ounce of respect out of another female. They will obtain and store information that will then be used so horribly against us, that, no matter how strong we are… a small piece of self-dignity will be lost.

At several points in my own life, friends have slept with my men. My first marriage ended because I caught my ‘best friend’/'maid of honor’ fucking my husband. In.The.Act. She had been fucking him the entire time we dated. I was just a baby then and I was unfortunately unable to see clear signs that I could call a bitch out for now. I have had some friends admit to it… and have had to learn through the grapevine about the deceit. At one point in my life, I cut out all friends that were women. No bullshit. If I had any females in my circle, they were either acquaintances or guy friend’s girlfriends. (not that they turned out any better in the long run… )

Looking back, I was bitter and lonely. I missed that female companionship. I am just NOW within the past 4 years, really taking the plunge and allowing my heart to open up and let other women love me. No bullshit. It is a growing point for me every single day. I fight it. I have second guessed all of my sister’s intentions at one point or another.

Right, wrong or indifferent… it is truth.

I have often wondered if the handful of times that this has happened to me was karma paying me back for the ONE time I fucked up. I usually seem to receive the strictest punishments. Like, if I were to commit murder… a bitch would FOR sure get the death penalty. That’s just my reality.

Regardless of the why’s, the fact is that it has happened to most of us… if not all of us. On either side of the coin. Or if you are lucky like me… BOTH sides. The difference between my fuck up, and other peoples fuck ups, is that I actually saw the damage I created by doing what I did and, even though my apologies didnt make a lick of difference at the time… I kept my head up and can look my still friend in her face and know that she knows that it actually was a mistake. And that I learned from it. As fucked up as it sounds, I am a better woman today for having gone through it.

Many of us do not have the capacity to take responsibility for our actions. We cannot see past the lust, or the desire to have the thing we aren’t supposed to have. So we flirt. We habitually push our pretty painted toes over that line. The line that is NEVER EVER EVER supposed to be crossed.

The question is, why do we do our girls so dirty?
Especially as grown women?

How does a 30 year old women see it to be acceptable to lay down in the bed that one of her best girlfriends has made with another person? Don’t get me wrong. The man in this dirty little sex-equation is just as wrong as she is. I will never pull the blame card out on one and not the other. HOWEVER, when she tells a best friend that she loves her, that she can trust her… that she will and will always be there for her… how does she look herself in the mirror after allowing a good secret-lovers-inspired fuck fest?

That’s right bitch. Are you paying attention now?

‘She’ cannot. And if ’she’ can… then all of the women in the world should pray for ‘her’. Because ’she’ has a wrath of misery and unhappiness waiting for ‘her’ trifling fucking ass.

Obviously, not ALL females are this way. I know this because I am not one of them. My sisters aren’t either. Those who I have spent the latter part of 20 years of my life looking for have sort of fallen into place… and are continuing to appear out of the woodwork. Why they weren’t meant to be there for me a decade ago, I have no idea. I am happy that they finally have made it into my heart. I am 99% confident that their intentions are what they should be: To love me unconditionally, as I do them.

Bottom Line: Don’t fuck your friends man. Ever.

Have you ever fucked your girlfriends man behind their back? (Or for the guys… your girlfriend’s friend) Why? Did you own it, or make excuses?
Have you been the victim of who you thought to be your best friend? How did this information come to you?

If you could throw out one piece of advice in respect to this topic… what would it be?

Tags: best friend, cheat, divorce. guilt, lonliness, marriage, medusa, shame

Face Value: Can you see it?

Mar 4, 2009 Friendship, Plunges, Relationships, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

George Eliot: Falsehood is easy, truth so difficult.

Truth comes to light in time. It just does.  You can only fake the funk for so long before who you really are vs. who you claim to be come head to head. I personally think it is pathetic to pretend to be someone that you aren’t, just to make friends and gain acceptance from your peers.

The internet is a cesspool of fakers. Men portraying this image of these wonderful human beings… that really ‘care’ about your life. They ‘honestly’ want to be a shoulder for any and every unsuspecting, broken women that comes across their paths. They are everywhere. Social networking sites, chat rooms… online dating organizations even. They prey on the women that simply do not have the strength to defend themselves.

Who is more pathetic? The preying MANtis… or the defeated woman whom has been preyed upon? I think that the jury might be out on this one.

Online deception spreads far greater than the romantic connection. As pretty much all of you who take time out of your days to read my blogs already know… online friendships have become a norm in our society. Many of you I have never met in person, or even on the phone before. Some of you I may never meet face to face. Not because I don’t want to… but because of distance/time/money factors. Each of us have developed a repertoire… a dialogue that constitutes a friendship of sorts. Each are meaningful at face value … and on their own deeper level, that is a little bit different than the next. But they are still friendship.

It is possible to have meaningful relationship with someone you never met in person. The risk that is taken with this, is that the person who you have fallen in love with … ( again not always in the romantic way) may turn out to be someone completely different face to face. I think that this is a huge reason why some people never take the plunge to meet. The fear of rejection can consume a person to the point of seclusion.

If you know me, then you already know that what you see is what you get. Ask anyone that does. Reading me, IMing me… email, whatever… My online communication is spot on with my face to face.

I think that my inability to bullshit is not readily accepted by everyone. My strong personality traits have definitely mixed with other strong personalities in past and present relationships (and when I refer to relationships here, I am not just speaking about romantic relationships). Not every friendship has worked out. I am stubborn and unwilling to back down sometimes. I am specific about how things should and should not be in relationship to how I am affected. I have standards and I am absolutely not perfect.

One thing I am not is fake. I never have been and I never will be. I invite any lurker to say differently. Come out of the woodwork. Come say all of the fucking bullshit that you have preferred to say behind a bitches back.

Have you ever met someone online face to face, and it be a nightmare?
What about good meetings? What was your favorite time meeting someone online for the first time?
If you had a nightmare situation, would it prevent you from meeting others?

Do you know someone who is not who they say they are? How did you find out?

Have you fallen in love online? What happened?

Tags: fake, nightmare, online, online friendships, online love, praying mantis

My Spiritual Void

Feb 26, 2009 Family, I Forgot to Tag, Parenting, Plunges, Thoughts and Perceptions

Last weekend, at my girlfriend’s 30th birthday party a stranger leaned in to me and whispered “To be Godless is to be mindless.” and walked away.

“Hm.” I thought to myself, while sipping my umpteenth vodka-cran. “What a Freuding ASSHOLE.”

I looked for him, but strangely enough he had disappeared. I am not even sure that I got a good enough look at his face to be able to really identify him from the next sap at the party. So there I stood, seething at the audacity of this unrequested, unsolicited comment from the unknown man at the private party. The room throbbed with great music and an air of celebration, yet I what pulsated through my veins was the fact that someone pushed their beliefs in my eardrum… without allowing me an opportunity to rebut.

How dare he assume that I was Godless!
Who is he to decide what it truly means to be Godfull?!

I have been thinking about this comment. It replays in my mind over and over again as I try to make sense as to why he decided to tell me, and not someone else. Did I look interested in his beliefs? Did I look like someone who would resonate spiritually with this statement?

Obviously… right? Cause here I sit 6 days later, absorbing each and every syllable.

I have come to the conclusion that I could have quite possibly been over thinking his statement. Even if I was not over thinking it, I have begun to process exactly why a cord struck when his breath hit the side of my face. I think it is because I have run from anything religious since I was a teenager. I am uneducated and ignorant on most things “Godly”. Other than the small stints of summer bible camp with my grandparents every summer, and an interest in AWANA when I was 13… I have no experience in organized faith. I do not draw support from any church, in fact the few times that I have gone to church in recent years, I have felt uncomfortable and out of place. My parents are not religious… in fact my mom was removed from the entire Mormon community for dating a black man. They both left the doors open for my brother and I to explore it for ourselves… but I never really did…

A few years ago, I posted a blog about my concerns internally that I was denying my kids (well, kiD at the time) the experience of church and faith and … that piece of life that I was not given. As I watch my kids grow up, I still wonder if I am a bad parent… one who is making a faith decision for them. How does one introduce it? If I am not sure what or WHO I believe in… how am I supposed to guide my kids in the right direction? When these questions arise, I feel like finding a big rock and crawling under it. I just prefer not to talk about anything that has to do with it, and it is 100% because of my lack of information.

And then there is Chrissa. Someone who is so important to me, someone who believes so deeply in her own faith. I am inspired by her, I admire her, but I am also jealous of her strength in this avenue. I have read several things that she has written where regardless of mention of faith… I could tell that it was drawn from something that she experienced within her church community. Maybe it isnt that I am jealous of her strength in her faith, maybe it is that she has been so lucky to find a sanctuary where she can go and just be Chrissa. I have yet to step foot into a place where I know that I belong. And I know that until I do… until I am able to fully release any and all biases, uncomfortable feelings and stigmas… I will feel this void within my spirit.

There is a void within my spirit.

I can run and hide from it until I take my last breath, but it will be there for as long as I try to deny it.

Has someone ever given you an unsolicited statement, or piece of advice that you may not have wanted… but it resonated anyway?
How did you process it?

What do you take from the statement “To be Godless is to be mindless?”

Tags: awana, celebration, church, faith, god, godless, mindless, party, spirit, unsolicited advice, void