YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Mar 12, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friday Eye Candy, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch, love
Jesus I am elated that the weekend is upon us. WOOOOOOOOOOOO!
So, without further ado … It is time for some motherfucking open letters.
First, we have a guest letter:
Dear Penis that thinks something happened,
My vagina is wondering what you THINK you did, because we are confused and feeling untouched and disappointed. We have decide mutually, that you are fired.
sincerely, HM
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Dear You,
Heh at the fact that you know who wrote the above letter. You are welcome. *grin*
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Dear D,
I don’t know how else to tell you how proud I am of you. You know why.
The you that you are right now is the best you ever and I love you so very much.
Especially all of the sex.
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Dear Tarable,
Gah sometimes. And then I remember that you are always gonna be you and I love you for that. I just wish that you would freaking listen.
Then again, I was there. I did me and learned the way I wanted to learn.
So, I will just love you.
I love you.
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Dear Self,
You are starting to get it and it feels rad.
Stay focused. Stay focused. It is not a far shot to remain on track for the end goal. You are gonna achieve it, and then you and D are gonna have a trip of a fucking lifetime.
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Dear KenAdams,
Keep dreaming.
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Dear Numbah1,
You are gonna be so great at adulthood. Stop worrying so much.
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Dear WorkDouche,
Shut the hell up already. When are you gonna get the hint that your shit in fact DOES stink? You are annoying and I am not interested in being your friend.
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Dear Girls Trip,
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Dear June 14th,
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Dear Tricky,
I cannot freaking wait to high 5 you for being literally as awesome as me. We are awesome sisters.
I am so proud of you. I am in awe of the challenges that you not only faced, but fucking Chuck Norrised to get to where you are today.
You deserve all the love in the world. Every single ounce.
*cheers*
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Dear Unknown Pranker,
Fuck your face. Seriously. Prank calls? Breathing in the phone? Really? Are you 17? What kind of coward ass bitch are you to call my phone 4-6 times in a day and breathe in the receiver.
You need help. Or me to whoop your ass. Come out of the woodwork you fucking sloppy vagina.
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Dear Spam Commenters,
GEOUFHERE. Gah.
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Dear Charli,
You are almost a diaperless toddler! Woot! Mommy is proud of you. Next task: Sleeping in your own mfing bed all night.
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Now for some eye candy:
Fantastic Four’s Chris Evans
And Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks
Now it is your turn: Purge your weeks so you can thoroughly enjoy your weekend.
Tags: chris evans, christina hendricks, fantastic four, mad men
Attitude Schmatitude
Feb 28, 2010 All Things Charli, Current Events, Family, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, bitch
Hellooooooo o o o Monday! Hello new month! Hello friends!
First and foremost, check out the new links on my side bar. There are new Buy Stuff links and a couple of new blog links. 
So there is a great deal going on in the world of Wicked. For the most part, all is great. I was finally able to get my contract scanned and sent over to XoXo Publishing. It took a minute to get the time together and my damn scanner working so I kinda started to panic like they might want to take it away because I freaking procrastinated. *phew*
So that is done. *squeeeee*
I don’t know what this means though. Like, what is the next step? What do published authors actually do?!
Anyway, I hit a huge goal at work this last month. I am still a tad in disbelief that I did it; you know, going back to the whole scared of success business I go through every day. I am getting better at believing each and every day.
What this has done for me is afewfold.
Every month I feel more invested in our team. It’s crazy but we are a bunch of vulgar and inappropriate nerds and we all (for the most part) click together. When we are on, we are hot. Anyway, as I wes saying … as I get more invested, I get more team territorial. Meaning, when someone is acting like an asshole … I take it kinda personally.
I am not a fan of bad attitude. Like bad attitude where you are your only concern and everyone else can fuck off. Where you try and act as if you are above everyone else, to the point where it is borderline disrespect. The way I roll is that I am all in. If I am going to spend the bulk of my day away from the 3 most important people in my life, I am not going to half-ass it or disrespect it. And I don’t think that anyone else should either. Mainly because it affects me too when you are a fucking beeyotch.
Attitude is everything. It makes and breaks … and the line that attitude teeters on to either make or break … is a fucking thin one.
I don’t like this “I am better than you attitude” in my presence. It makes me want to chicken choke a bitch.
This is my stance on it:
If you think you should be running the show, and you are not … maybe that is for a reason.
If you need to name drop to make yourself feel better … maybe you should find an alternative soothing method.
If you cannot spend an extra 10 minutes of your important little life in order to be a part in a really awesome moment with a really awesome team … maybe you should find a new job.
Maybe … just maybe … you should look up the definition of team and then see if you can comprehend exactly what in the hell it means to be a contributor on it.
In other news, Charli’s blatant refusal to use the potty has since had a turn around. She has officially stopped freaking the hell out every time we bring it up. Now, when I ask … she goes. The next step is getting her motivated to tell us, without us having to ask her eleventy million times an hour.
Annnnnnnnd today she pooped! For the first time! YAY!
Other than that, I have got nothin’. Nothin’ but a new month where I am going to work my ass off to hit my goals. I have my eyes on the prize and I am ready to make it consistent achievement every single month.
What is new with you?!
If you could be famous (a household name), what would you like to be famous for?
If you could go back to any moment in history, where would you go?
Tags: attitude, integrity, potty training, team, team work, territorial, work
Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s: My 9 Year Old
Feb 23, 2010 All Things X, Current Events, Family, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms
Welcome to Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s!
Don’t worry, my child is not literally missing. Figuratively though … I cannot for the life of me find him anywhere.
Let me explain. Since the bringagoddamnpornomagtoschoolandgiveittohisfriend incident, Xavier has continued to act a fool at school as well as at home, lying about the stupidest fucking shit imaginable and has been suspended 2 more times.
Right?!
He has told liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies. From “the garage just smells like something is burning, I didn’t burn anything”
when he really found a lighter and was fucking around in the garage to “my hair is just like this” when he really used a beard trimmer to shave his head partially because he “didn’t like the way his fade was lined up” or maybe how his daily progress report was “all smiles because he had a great day at school” when he really altered it so he wouldn’t get into trouble at home.
So when I asked him to write a letter to the teacher to apologize for forging the fucking progress report, he had the audacity to say the following:
“I was really shooting for all smiley faces but you gave me 2 straight faces and I didn’t really like that so I changed the straight faces to smiley faces, but what I did not know is that it would be felony: forgery when I did that. I only changed it because my dad said that if I dont get a really really really really good report I would have to run a bunch of laps around my back yard and I really didn’t want to run anymore laps because I was sore enough from running like 150 to 200 laps this last weekend.”
I am dying. I am so happy that he was not awake when I read this because I am literally falling out laughing at his logic.
1. He is not taking A N Y responsibility for the forgery.
2. He is totally blaming D for his forgery.
Fucking seriously? You wanna snitch on your dad? It was MY idea! Yeah his ass ran some laps. 20 laps a pop to be accurate.
I catch you in some shit? Get to running.
6AM? Keep it pushin’ around the backyard.
You wanna half ass your chores? Kick up dust. In the tune of 20 laps.
GO!
Not only that, but he thought it would be appropriate to just pull his pants down and sit in class at his desk with his brown ass out. Then, when he got caught … he tried to act like the teacher was seeing things and then changed his story to be that “his pants and underwear accidentally fell down.” REALLY?! Do I look that fucking stupid?!
But wait! There’s more! 30 minutes after he got caught, he did the SAME shit, mooning some kids while he “acted like he picking up some paper”
Riiiiiiiiiiiight.
Laps. Pushups. Laps. Pushups. Repeat.
Gone are the days of conversation. Gone are the endless surprise ass whoopins. Now– there is no talk, other than “Save your faulty explanation and go run it out.”
So whatever happened to him? Have you seen my 9 year old? The one who was a good kid that I got to actually talk to and spend time with? The one who I didn’t spend most conversations yelling at him?
I miss him. I miss my kid. I really really really really really miss him.
If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?
If you could be invisible for a day what would you do and why?
If the whole world were listening, what would you say?
Tags: creative parenting, Parenting, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays
Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s: Knowing Your Place
Feb 17, 2010 Current Events, DUH, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays
Welcome to Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s!
This week is about a little thing called “Knowing Your Place.” Ever heard of it? I know I have.
Some people have never in their lives heard of it. Wanna know how I know?! I am glad that you asked.
Exhibit A: Assuming that you can walk in the door and be above the rules. In ANY situation.
Know your place. Follow the rules. Show up with the correct attire. Accept the fact that you are low on the totem pole. Submit to not knowing everything and fucking LEARN something for a change. Understand that there were others before you.
Just saying.
Exhibit B: Your foot doesn’t belong in your mouth. I promise.
Know your place. Sometimes … it is okay to shut the fuck up. You may even gain a little bit of respect from someone if you say nothing rather than everything. Take it from me. I have learned this lesson the motherfucking hard way.
Just saying.
Exhibit C: If you are a parent … then BE one.
That means that you absolutely H A V E to be the motherfucking bad guy sometimes. It is a part of parenting. If you aren’t ready to be the bad guy, and if you are okay with a child running you like a pimp does a hoe on Sunset Blvd… then use some motherfucking birth control.
Just saying.
Exhibit D: Assuming that you are better than everyone else around you.
i.e. No one cares about your motherfucking Lexus. Nor do they give a fuck about how bored you are or how qualified you think you are. Not a one of us.
Just motherfucking saying.
To all of you bitches who don’t know your place …
The end. (Unless I missed an exhibit where a bitch doesn’t know their place.)
Would you rather be forgotten or hatefully remembered? Why?
Would you rather end hunger or hatred? Why?
Tags: chuck norris, know your place, lexus, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays
Same Shit, Different Day, Etc.
Jan 27, 2010 Current Events, DUH, Etc., Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Ranteriffic, bitch
I am bored of blogging.
Maybe because the same shit happens every day. Maybe because I feel like I repeat myself all the time lately due to sameshitdifferentdayitis.
Maybe I should quit. Whatever. Suggest some shit. KThx.
I mean, it isn’t like my same shit different day is bad shit … it is just the same. So when you are a daily blogger … and the same shit happens, it is like watching the same episode of Friends that always seems to play at 10pm on TBS. Yeah, that shit is funny … but pretty soon … you can regurgitate all of the banter between Phoebe and Joey or Ross and Rachel. You know when Monica is gonna freak out over a misplaced item in her OCD filled life. Funny? Duh … but same nonetheless.
I was thinking about things that I hate a great deal the other day … which then led me to things that I also like a great deal as well.
For instance:
I hate deadbeats. Not just “parents” … but deadbeats in general. To me a deadbeat is anyone who 1) doesn’t own their responsibilities 2) trys to abusively control another human being OR 3) has nothing in life but a negative ass mouth piece and tries to bring others down with their sorry deadbeat asses.
On the same token:
I like them. I like having them around to fucking clown on or bitch about when I want to feel better about my sameshitdifferentdayitis. If it weren’t for them, we would have no one to talk about. And to be honest, I like talking about folks who deserve it.
I also really really hate liars. Like for no reason bold faced fucking liars. They could almost be put into a deadbeat category … but not always. I happen to know for a fact that there are some bold faced fucking liars who are upstanding citizens in all other ways BUT their lies. The only time lies are acceptable are when you are telling kids that Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy etc exists or when bill collectors keep blowing your shit up and you dont have any money to pay them so you act like “Alicia” and “just got this number yesterday so you have no idea who so’n’so is and stop calling.” “Alicia” may or may not be my fake name for bill collectors. Just saying.
Anyway, Liars suck. The end.
Speaking of sucking, I really like sucking. Literally. Not like sucking at life sucking … but suuuuuuuucking. On lollypops or dripping ice cream or penis or … yeah that.
I also like lint brushes. Nothing says bad sameshitdifferentday than lint all over the place.
I hate when I get out into “natural light” and my outfit looks like my cat dry humped it all over the place. Orange hairs all over the place. That fucker waits until I get my shit set out to come and purr all on it like it is his special bed. Helllllooooo spray bottle … meet Jacksons in my business ass.
I like D fat. He is a fatty and I love every fat inch of him. He is not allowed to get skinny again.
I hate that Charli doesnt sleep through the night yet. It is all my fault too.
I hate processes.
I hate how it takes someone super quick to take your money but fucking forever to give it back.
I like getting paid every week.
I also like my co-workers. Especially the non baby ones. (heh.)
I like my job. When someone closes a deal and rings that bell … that shit rules. Why? Because we all rally and make that person feel awesome for their accomplishment. FIST BUMP!
So yeah. That is where I am at. I am also at LMFAO at this pic:
Does anyone else feel the sameshitdifferentdayitis? Tell me about it.
Also, would you rather be … born with an elephant trunk or born with a giraffe neck?
Tags: friends, lint brush, monica, ocd, phoebe and joey, ross and rachel, same shit different day, would you rather
Whatever Happened to? Wednesday’s: Personal Space
Jan 19, 2010 All Things Charli, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays, bitch
Hello! Welcome to Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s!
This one will be short and sweet.
Whatever happened to personal space?!
For example:
Charli. I love the child to death. I really truly do. But she is the most magnetically touchy child I have ever encountered. And … well I am not that person. Don’t get me wrong. I love touching and loving and all of that like the rest of 95% of the world… but there is a time and a place for everything.
Not the time:
When I first wake up in the morning. Specifically, me waking up to a 35ish pound human latched on to me. And when I say latched, I mean laaaatttccchhheeed. Like legs intertwined. Like hand on my face. Or hair in my face. Me hanging off the bed due to her in my business and me attempting to get a little bit of personal motherfucking space.
Also NOT the time:
When I am peeing. She wants to know what I am doing. Why I am doing it. How I am doing it.
“Are you wiping now?”
“Are you peeing now?”
“Are you done peeing?”
“Is that your pee pee mommy?”
“Can I flush it?”
For the most part, I am okay with it. I mean, I respect her curiosity. But sometimes though?! I mean… can a bitch get a little bit of motherfucking personal space?!
Wanna know when ELSE it is not the time?!
When I am taking a shower. I am not interested in having a conversation with my 2 year old about my shower in step by step format. Nor do I feel like talking to her about my pee pee and my boobs for the duration of my 15 minute shower.
Dont tell me that I should lock the door either. Because she will stand there and yell at me through the door.
“MOMMY!”
“MOMMYWHATAREYOUDOING???!”
“MOMMY ARE YOU TAKING A SHOWER NOW?”
“MOMMY ARE YOU WASHING YOUR PEEPEEANDYOURBOOBS?”
Yeah. Personal space?! What the fuck is that?!
These examples have nothing to do with adults who cannot comprehend the idea of personal space. That is a whole different fucking discussion. I cant even really be mad at Charli. She is too young to get it. But grown ass people?! Really?!
Do I want your face in my face?! No.
Do I want to turn around and have you 4inches from the back of me in the grocery line?! FUCK NO.
Must you sit RIGHT next to me in a public place when there are eleventy million fucking open seats around me? (i.e. the DOL or the DR office.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFUCK!
Get out of my bubble. Get out of my business. Get OUT of MY SPACE. BLAHHHHHHHHHHH.
Do you have a bubble? What are your feelings about personal space?
What is your favorite kind of sandwich?
Tags: Parenting, personal bubble, personal space
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy (or) 3 days.
Jan 8, 2010 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, You've Got Wicked Mail
Well hello there! Welcome to the first YGWM of 2010. It has been a couple of weeks huh?
Miss me?! Whatever.
You know the drill. Purge your week (s) so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekend.
Dear You.
You are a fucking big pouty baby. Knock it off.
Me
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Dear Mommy,
This is a letter requesting for you to whoop my ass. I would like for you to whoop my ass for the following reasons:
1) For that time I called and pretended to be a kidnapper on the voicemail.
2) For not listening to 3/4 of the things you say to me.
3) For telling half truths.
4) For not doing my chores OR half assing my chores. (i.e. no food in the cat bowl today. or the dirty toilet. or the recycle being left for days on the street.)
5) For fucking with Charli on purpose and then acting like I didnt do anything with a stupid fucking look on my face.
6) For watching American Pie when I knew I wasn’t supposed to.
Please whoop my ass! I am begging you.
Xavier
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Dear D,
Please for the love of God, take a shower and then put it in my mouth in 3 days.
It will benefit everybody.
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Dear Cheeseburger,
(s) Yep. I had 2 of you and I loved every single salivating bite. I chewed each bite approximately 22 times to really taste you in my mouth.
I don’t care if it is me being unfaithful to my phase 1 diet. It was worth it. YOU were worth it.
TarablyWicked
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Dear Lucky Jeans Sales Guy,
I fucking adored your face. Especially when you made me try on size TWENTY NINE even despite my own inner fatty arguing over it. And then, when the size TWENTY NINE fit me, I honestly wanted to hug your fucking face off.
You were the best sales guy ever, giving awesome recommendations when needed without being fucking aggravating and in my face.
Also, a size TWENTY NINE!? That is fucking rad. If it wasnt for you, I would have never even tried them on.
You rule.
Wicked
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Dear Mom
You will be trivial. It could go one way or the other. I don’t want to but I have to. I am gonna take one for the team.
But if you sit at that slot machine at that slot machine like a test lab mouse pushing it for crack, I will leave and find my own fun.
Happy Birthday,
Tara Monique
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Dear Romo,
Don’t fucking blow it. You are my last hope other than the Vikings which I am grandfathered into being a fan of at this point. At least it is for a good reason.
Tarable
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Dear Red Jeep,
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. I am so fucking sick of your endless fucking problems and your endless drama that I could literally cry.
I cannot wait until I don’t have to drive you anymore. You are the biggest piece of shit ever.
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Dear Jersey Shore,
Why are you such a trainwreck?
Why do I love you so much?
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Dear Jackson,
What in the fuck is wrong with you? Get out of my face, off of my table and out of my house.
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Dear D,
I am excited for you to come home for the following reasons:
1) To put your face in my vagina.
2) To put your dick in my vagina.
3) To put your dick in my mouth.
4) To put the christmas tree away.
5) To deal with Xavier.
6) To sleep in the bed with me.
7) To have a conversation and not be on a time limit.
To sleep in on the weekends. I just want to sleep.
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Dear Hickey on my boob,
I don’t know where you came from or how you got there, but please go away.
Love, Boobs.
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Dear Paycheck,
Really?!
TarablyWicked
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Dear D,
I am happy for you to come home for the following reasons:
1) Courtni & I will no longer be at each others throats … well not daily and multiple times in a day anyway.
2) She will finally take a fucking joke. Because right now, to her, I am talking in literal form. All day.
3) It is like I have no personality and I am not funny. You and I both know this is not true.
4) She will finally not be mad at me for getting some. Because she will be getting lots of somes. Thank god.
5) I will finally have someone else telling me about myself. Because I am honestly done with Courtni telling me about myself. She is mean when she tells me about myself. This is because you arent putting it in her.
6) So you can whoop Xaviers ass. Jesus. He is a good kid but he needs a fucking ass whoopin. Fuck.
7) I value the extra 20 minutes of sleep I get. That is the time it takes to drop Charli off and make coffee and make breakfast. I would like to sleep in.
IF YOU FUCKING HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT THAT YOU ARE A PART OF THIS TEAM, THEN GET A NEW FUCKING BRAIN.
Love and no disrespect because I love you,
Tarable
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Dear You,
Also above and beyond you being a big fucking baby, you need to pick one. This back and forth shit is fucking both annoying and old.
K? K.
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Dear Boyfriend,
Fuck you read this so it is hard to open letter your ass. Even though it is not a bad open letter but our bosses read this too so…. put it in my mouth.
Tarable
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Dear New Guy #1,
I don’t give a good god damn who you think you are. Not even a little bit. Dont act like you are somebody. Because to me, you kinda arent.
Dear New Guy #2,
Your pick up lines are wack. Kinda like your face. Because you look like a dude that was a douche to Tarable.
Dear Mike O,
I love that I am your work boo.
Love Courtni
Dear Mike O,
I love your butt
Love Tarable
Dear Boyfriend,
Dont trip, your butt is cuter and nicer. And I get to touch it whenever I want except during work hours because that is not work appropriate and our bosses read this blog.
Love Tarable
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Dear HenrySan,
We miss the following:
1) your laugh
2) your rice
3) your open eye
4) your face
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Yep I feel better.
Now for the Friday Eye Candy. Since it has been awhile, I wanted to do something special.
A special group eye candy … just for you.
I joke.
This Friday’s eye candy is (drum roll please)
George Clooney
Oh and Khloe Kardashian. She is a hottie.
You go. Get it off of your chest. Purge your weeks drama so you can enjoy your weekend! (annnnnnnnd, I am looking for eye candy suggestions)
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, george clooney, khloe kardashian, Parenting
5 Days (or) I am Hungry (or) “You’re Next” (or) Randomosity
Jan 6, 2010 All Things X, DUH, Etc., Family, Masturbate-able, Parenting, Random, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, bitch
Hi. I was thinking of a topic for “Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s” but couldn’t think of a good one so instead I shall word vomit. (Hint: Give me some WHtW’s suggestions pleasenthx.)
I talked to D today after finally fucking having to gangster this non english speaking bitch on the other end of my phone. I fucking LOATHE customer service call centers. Especially the outsourcedtoanotherfuckingcountrytosavemoneyyetoursocietyisfuckingunemployedlikeamotherfucker ones.
Yep. I surely did go there.
Anyway, he and I had a conversation about how it was gonna go down. It = the very strategic process of him putting his penis in my vagina. It was quite the conversation. What I want to happen and what will actually happen are probably 2 completely different things. At least 5 days from now anyway. Truthfully, I just wanna marinate for like a fucking week with complete silence and penis in my vicinity but you and I both know that I have 2 mini terrorists in my house that are not interested in anything 1) silent and 2) what I want so we are gonna have to get in where we fit in. No pun intended.
I am hungry. I want some chocolate. Like an Oreo or some Ritter Sport. Actually, I just want anything in my mouth that shouldn’t be there. Including a cheeseburger and a taco salad and even an apple with peanut butter. Mmmmm. Since starting back on South Beach Phase 1, I forgot how fucking hard it is to stick to phase 1. Carbs are the motherfucking devil.
So today, Xavier was home from school for about an hour by himself. My sitter had to run an errand or so and was running a bit behind so I get this frantic call from him.
X: “Mom – uh – uh – the cat – uh – is – puking – and – you – didnt answer so – uh – I called the vet and then the neighbor and she wants to talk to you.”
Me: (fuuuuuuckreally?!) “Alright.”
Neighbor: “Hi, is everything okay? Does X have someone looking after him?”
Me: “Yes my sitter had an errand to run and there was some traffic so he is just home alone for about an hour. Thanks for checking up.”
Neighbor: “Okay … are you sure?”
Me: (FUCKIAMFINEBITCHGODGETOUTOFMYBUSINESS!!!!!!!!!) “Yep. We are all good!”
X: “I didnt know what to do. I am sorry!”
Me: “It is fine Xavier. Just get your chores done, okay?”
X: “Okay.”
15 minutes later, I check my phone because while on a pitch selling me some dang credits, I had 4 missed calls from my house. Tried calling. The phone is busy. So I check the VM I had.
Scratchy sound scratchy sound … “qssaggYOURENEXTwertwsgfs”
Click.
Insert me freaking the fuck out.
So I call back my house phone. Busy. I call my sitter.
Me: “Hi. Um. Did you make it back to my house?”
Her: “Yeah I am sitting in the living room… why?”
Me: “Is Xavier there?”
Her: “Yeaahhh…?”
Me: (realizing what happened.) “Put him on the phone.”
Her: “Okayyy…”
X: “Hello!”
Me: “Are you kidding me?”
X: “What?!”
Me: “You’re next!?!?!?!”
X: “Ohhh thaaat! You got my voicemail then.”
Me: “Yeah and I do not think that it is funny.”
X: “What? Why not?”
Me: “Um well lets start with the fact that you were home alone and I thought someone had snatched you up Xavier.”
X: “Ohhhhh … I didn’t think about thaaat.”
Me: “I could kill you for freaking me out like that!”
X: “Sorry.”
Are you fucking kidding me right now?! GAH. I will tell you that I am only mad as far as he is concerned right now until I get his little ass back, thanks to a kick ass recommendation. Yep. He is gonna be scared out of his mind.
*wickedcackle*
I cant reeeeeeeeeeally be mad though. I used to play hella pranks on my mom. As often as possible actually. Of course payback is a bitch. Offffffff course this is the “mothers curse”. I get it. It’s cool. We shall see who has the last laugh.
All I am saying is that in 5 days, I don’t want to hear word one about any of this shit for like … I dunno … 60 motherfucking days. The only thing I want to hear about is D’s face buried in my vagina until I can’t feel my own face due to an over abundance of O faces.
Ya diiiiiiiiiig?!
Tell me something funny. Something hilar has to have happened in your life over the past couple of weeks that I have missed.
Have you ever pulled any prank bullshit on your parents, or have you had any pulled on you?
Tags: ass whoopin, cunningulus, oreo, Parenting, prank, ritter sport
Happy Monday (or) Get the FUCK Out of My FACE.
Jan 3, 2010 All Things X, DUH, Family, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Parenting, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms
Yep. We are on the countdown until D comes home. 7 days. Oh but don’t think that I am all omgyayDcomeshomeinlike7dayswoooooooooooooooooooooooooo or anything because I am actually not. Not today anyway. Today I am fucking raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanty. Tomorrow might be a totally different day. Knowing me, it probably will be.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut….
For all of you positivity people in my life right now, just because it is down to 7 days doesn’t mean that there are all of these rainbows and butterflies circling around my life all of a sudden. In fact it is the opposite.
Wanna know why?
Because not only are we on the final stretch of his extended fucking absence … but we are on the final stretch of my motherfucking patience. Oh you bitches forgot about the fact that I am an impatient fucking cunt ANYWAY?! Yeah.
Stick a motherfucking fork in me because I am done.
Done cleaning this house. Especially the dishes. No. Scratch that. Especially the floors.
Done with the kids fighting. At least done with it being in my business 24/7.
Done with being alone. At least, when I don’t want to be alone.
Done with no intimacy.
Done with doing everything.
Done dealing with it.
Done talking about it and especially DONE BLOGGING ABOUT IT.
Done with masturbation. Hello not fun anymore. Hi.
Just done.
Today I wanted to clean my house. What actually happened vs. what I expected were 2 totally different things.
I swear to fuck I was backtracking everything I was cleaning and recleaning it because my terrorist 2 year old thought it was funny to pull shit out that I just put away. Like, are you kidding me right now?! Did I look like it was something that I thought was funny?!
Commence me freaking out. That is how you know I am done. Instead of making a irritated joke out of it like I normally do, I freaked out. I don’t like feeling like this. Edgy and bitchy and cranky and fucking getoutofmyface-y all of the time. I dont like yelling at my kids. I dont like being beyond aggravated with every single move/sound/comment/thing they do. I commend single parents because when it comes to parenting for me, D is my balance, and I am his. When I am going to come across the room and pummel my 9 year old, D (usually unless it is a warranted and deserved pummeling, and lets face it sometimes it is not always deserved but I am a hothead and he pushes my motherfucking buttons so I get hella mad …) steps in and lets him know that he needs to figure it the fuck out or he will let me.
Gah. I feel all bad and shit for tantruming in front of my kids tonight. But jeeze. I don’t know how many more ways I can ask Xavier to do the same God damn thing or how many ways I can ask Charli to not touch something and have them BOTH repeat the fucking action within a 10 minute God damned period of me asking them. Really?!
Furthermore, how does a 9 year old become sooooooooooooo forgetful?! I asked him to do some shit earlier, and within 5 minutes he had (or so he says and says all the god damned time) completely forgotten about me asking. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?
Is it hard to believe that I was LESS patient prior to kids?!
The thing is, D is a better parent than me. He is more patient. I, on the other hand, am this easily irritated mom. It sucks but it is true. When it comes down to it, I could speculate that I would not deserve the “Mom of the Year” award. as hard as I try to be all cupcakebakingthoroughlyexcitedforplaydates mommy … I am not the one. Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids. Buuuuuut… I also love my space from them. Is that wrong? I feel like it is. Especially when sometimes, I cannot wait to get away from them. Like WOOOOOOOOO! cannot wait.
I hope that they don’t see me as horribly as I sometimes see myself in the parenting category.
Especially Charli. I know I totally scared her today in the midst of me freaking out… and I tried to make it better but she was totally spooked.
Tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow will be one day closer to normalcy in the WickedHouse. Until then, it will still be today. And today, I hate everything so get the FUCK out of my FACE. Heh.
How was your NYE? Who did you ring the new year in with?
Did you have someone to kiss at midnight?! If you did, fuck you because I didn’t.
For That, I am Grateful – 2
Dec 31, 2009 All Things X, Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, love
This is part 2 of 2 of my grateful things of 2009.
To repeat myself …
She is doing 26 Days of Gratefulness. Each day represents a letter filled with things that she is eternally grateful for. Of course more than half of these days made me cry like a fucking baby because that is what the hell I do when there is anything mush or moosh involved in it. But when she does it … it hits me even harder. (I will get to her later.)
N is for Nighttime. It is the only time I have to myself. I am grateful for me time. N is also for Noggin. Not the TV show … the oral sex kind.
O is for Orgasm. I am grateful for every orgasm I can give or get. O is also for Open letters. I look forward to every single Friday so that I can openly bitch out any one and everyone that pisses me the hell off.
P is for Penis. Yes. I am grateful for the infamous penis. I neeeed it in my life on a regular basis. It is also for Pumps. As in shoes. P is also for my Phone Sex Voice. Apparently … it is worth millions. P is especially for Prettiness. It is an essential in this house. Live Prettily and life is Perfect. 
Q is for Quarters. A pre-paycheck scrounge for Quarters is a regular event around here. Quarters get gas, cheeseburgers, wine … even cigs for those who smoke. Q is most importantly for *MY* Q. My Numbah 1. My Partner. One of my best friends. Ever. She owns Q. She *is* Q.
R is for Romance. It is essential. Romance is a part of me. It is also for Rough. Rough sex, that is. I like it Rough and Raw. R is also for Rally. I have needed the people in my life to Rally around me recently … and they really really have. R is also for Range Rover. I want one. K? R is most importantly for Readers. You all make my day better. Your thoughts. Your advice. Your viewpoints. If I didn’t have you … I may not be so into blogging.
S is for Sex. God damnit I am grateful for it. Sex. Seeeeeeexxxxxxxxxx. S is also for Soul Sister. Because I haz them and I am grateful for them. Beyond grateful. Carol. Cass. Anne. Chrissie. Chrissa. ‘Lullah. Mary. Q. Kanisha. Leslie. Rachael. You all make my life a better life. You make me a better person. Each of you are so important to me and my sanity. S is for Sanity. S is also for Sunshine. My Sunshine comes in the form of a Carol. Heh. I made a comment about her being Sunshine, even when she is being followed by a black cloud … and that she doesn’t even know it … which is the best part. My Sunshine makes me happy … when skies are grey. S is also for Squish. Squishy. SquishyAmandaFace. I love her mostly because of how raw and honest she is. But that is only Scratching the Surface. I am so grateful to be her friend.
T is for Tarable. And Tough. And Tolerance. And Teeny Tiny. And Team. All of these have to do with Tarable. She is my rock. My sister. My bestie. I don’t know what I would do without her. T is also for Text messages. They have saved me in tough spots and entertained me to no end.
U is for UPGRADES! I am grateful for this team more than I can describe into words. It was the best decision to take the risk to work in this department.
V is for Vagina. I hope mine knows how grateful I am for it.
W is for Women. Because I have so many inspirational and strong Women in my life. W is also for Wisdom. I have learned so much. I have grown so much. Wisdom within myself and from others has proven to be so beneficial.
X is for Xavier. He is my little big man. No matter how much he fucks up … I will always love him.
Y is for Yaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Or sleep. Either way Yawning leads to it. And I love sleep like nobodies business.
Z is for Zac. He is a new addition to my life and I am most grateful for him. I am pretty sure that I am not the only one who thinks this of him.
G’Head. List your N-Z’s of gratefulness.
If I don’t talk to you before hand, Happy New Year!
Tags: kids, sleep, soul sister, strong women, team, upgrades
