Living Wicked

Red Wine = <3

Sep 1, 2010 Out of Wicked's Mouth, Wicked Wisdoms

Yes. I am writing a blog about my love of red wine. How it is love in my mouth. How, when it hits my lips I smile.

Am I a drunk? Sometimes.

Must I have it in my mouth at all times? No.

So that makes it acceptable. (I just put my foot down.)

Anyway. Back to my <3 of wine that is red and currently in my mouth. <-- WOO!

I <3 red wine because it stains my teeth a little when I drink it.
I <3 red wine because my tummy gets warm. So do my cheeks. On the inside.
I <3 the smell of the cork when it first gets cracked open.

I <3 cheers-ing my lady friends and having great conversation over a glass of red wine. (or 9)

I <3 red wine sex. It is a warm kissy make-out sex.

Red wine also has health benefits. (oh yeah. I am motherfucking going there right now.) For one, it is a stress reducer. I can promise you that I am infinitely less stressed out after drinking s e v e r a l glasses. It has antioxidants in it, lowers cholesterol and helps heart problems. Some people believe that red wine helps prevent Alzheimer’s. (if this is the case I swear to God I will never forget a motherfucking thing ever until I take my last breath.)

*gulp*

That’s all I got.

Tell me something that will make me laugh. Go!

‘Scuse Me … I Just Vomited In This Blog.

Aug 29, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, Etc., Fitness Forward, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, bitch

Today is as good a day as any to write a blog about things that have been 1) happening 2) not happening and 3) wandering around my thoughts like a transient.

Can you picture a transient with their backpack-on-a-stick in my head? Can ya?

What exactly is today though? Today is Friday. That is it. It is not a special day by any means. It is a Friday just like any other Friday. Instead of doing what I am supposed to be doing which is my job – I am sitting here pondering what this blog will discuss.

(by the time you are reading it though, it could very well be Sunday or Monday … but whatever.)

(Sorry K.A.)

Shit, this blog might turn in to more than one if it gets too lengthy. I may very well word vomit the fuck out of your eyes if I get a wild hair.

Don’t tempt me.

This brings me to my first thought: Should I even still blog here? It doesn’t seem like I have very many people interested in what I have to say anymore. Not that I necessarily blog for people specifically, but the commentary usually consists of 25% real comments 75% spam about a god damn vibrator website or something?

Hmmmmm … Are these spambots trying to tell me something?

Today I am wearing my fat pants. They are jeans that I haven’t worn in over a year because they were falling off of me. Literally. Not today. No way. They are quite fitted today and that actually sent me to tears over it this morning when I was looking in the mirror.

The reason behind me wearing my fat pants today might have a little something to do with the hand-to-mouth issue I have been having lately.

11PM chocolate doughnut in my mouth? Not helping.

Mashed potatoes? Not helping.

I cannot even remember all of the stupid stress/emotional/pitypartyaboutmyfatness eating I have done as of late but because of it I have gone backwards instead of forward. Now my cute clothes clothes don’t fit and I feel like shit.

So here I sit, wearing my fat pants feeling all crappy about it. And as I re-read this last thought, I am like “fuck should I really even write it? It sounds all whiny and pathetic to even be talking about it yet AGAIN. Maybe I should shut up and run my fat ass to the gym more than once in a blue moon.”

Or maybe I will do both.

Just because I fell off the wagon and picked up 10lbs along the way doesn’t mean that I cant catch back up to it and hop on.

Yeah to some it is “only 10lbs” or “you have picked up a little weight, it isn’t a big deal” but it is a lot of pounds and an even bigger deal to me. To me I can feel it from the inside out and I am not a fan. If I could find the central location of said 10lbs and click the dislike button on them I would.

That also means I am now 25 pounds from my goal. Damnit.

Moving on.

I have an opinion about specific people lately that I have spent a lot of energy keeping to myself. It is probably why there has been an absence in my blogs. Because there becomes a point where no matter how unsugarcoated and blunt I am … there is a line where too blunt could cause a rift in other peoples lives who have little to do with any of my opinions. One has to be careful when being blunt as an adult sometimes which I think is bullshit.

What I will say though is that I absolutely despise flakes. I think that Mrs. Good is my #1 advocate on this very subject actually. I am pretty sure that she could go on for hours about it if she had the time. The fact is flakiness = inconsideration for others. I am too old to have this lack of consideration in my life.

This is how non-flakiness is supposed to work:

Friend: “Lets make plans for Tuesday”
Other Friend: “Perfect! Give me a call when you have an idea what time you will be free!”
Friend: “For sure!!

Fast forward to Tuesday. What is supposed to happen is the friend is supposed to call the other friend. Why? Because that friend was the plan initiator. The other friend is the plan recipricator. The other friend goes about their business as any other Tuesday business would go. What actually happens is the friend never calls. Not to confirm or to cancel. The friend just lets the day come and go and thinks that it is okay.

Non-flakes call. They say things like “Man, I am so sorry that I cannot make it. I overbooked myself today. Can we reschedule?” How freaking simple is that? I am just wondering because fuck if people have no clue how to do this simple step.

Furthermore, there comes a point where people need to be held accountable for their actions. I will (reluctantly) be the first to admit when something is my bad. I will (force myself through gritted teeth) to apologize when I am wrong. What I will not do is try and let time pass and act as if just because 2 weeks passed, everything is now okay between me and someone else.

Lets not ignore the elephant in the room people. It is sitting right there. Say “how’d ya do!?” and keep it pushin.

Don’t come at me sideways because I sit on the elephants lap while you do the avoiding responsibility dance. Friend, family, co-worker … I don’t give a fuck. Own your shit. Or stay out of my life.

Ya digg?

Furthermore I would like to say the following to a certain couple of catty bloggers in the ’sphere: “Hate away bitches. Continue on with your high school mean girls ways. What is going to happen is this: You will come to a point where 1) people will get over your clique-y bullshit. 2) You will interact with some adults who will clown you to tears and let you and everyone else catty that is around you know what is up with your bullshit.

The bottom line is this. You may be all power trip queen of your metropolitan area, but you are not queen of the world. Your circle is not that big and I don’t give a fuck how tweet savvy you are. Karma is a bitch. Remember that.

Oh. And also, I really really really really want my long hair back. I am so sick of it being short that I could cry.

On that note, life is alright and I miss blogging but I need some people to make me feel like they want me to keep blogging here. Deal?

Name the one current event that has you fired up (in a good OR bad way) right now.

All Over The Place OR Too Much Coffee

Jun 29, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Suck It!

I had too much coffee today. It is 11:40pm and I am still “blahblahblahblahblah” as if it were 5 in the evening.

Fuck. This is gonna be all over the place. Sorry in advance.

I also feel like yelling. Yelling about my book taking 347686344236455684663434678 days to get published so that people can buy it. Yelling at myself for getting in my own way. (yes it is possible to get in your own way.) Yelling at this one fucking person at work that thinks their shit doesn’t stink and could use to get knocked down 34 pegs but I can’t because apparently you will get fired for telling someone about themselves if another person doesn’t like you or some shit. Yelling out CREDITS! randomly in honor of my friend as if I had turrets syndrome or something.

CREDITS! See! I already feel better.

I also don’t give a fuck about Twilight. Wanna know what team I represent? TEAM AWESOME, THAT’S WHAT!

(sorry Danielle. I know you love it.)

Speaking of, I wanted to make a statement about assholes. (weird, I know)

I am so sick of people not taking responsibility for themselves. You can’t blame everyone for everything that goes wrong in your life. You just can’t. Eventually, you MUST own your part in how your life plays out.

Seriously.

“OMG. My boss fired me because I was late. It isn’t my fault I was late. Traffic (thathappenseveryday) was horrible and my kids (whoaresloweveryday) were slow out the door and my significant other (whoisadouchebageveryday) was being a douchebag. My boss is an asshole!”

“My life sucks. I have no money (becauseIcantkeepajobformorethan5months).”

“I was gonna be the next NFL STAR except I hurt my knee and now I am a drunk asshole at noon on a Tuesday!”

Seriously people. Stop blaming the world. Look in the mirror. I get that some of it is uncontrollable … but if you find yourself the victim half of your life or more … it might not be as uncontrollable as you think.

Pass it on.

K? K.

Furthermore. I have fallen off the healthy wagon. I am eating like crap. I can feel my body hating me. I have spiraled out of control! Stupid cheeseburgers and cookies. What the crap is going on?! I need to fix it.

Also. You! Are you there? You have been a lurker you SOB and I want to make sure you are here. Why? So I can tell you that I adore you and it wasn’t personal and I am sorry and I hate your face.

Lastly, I need some suggestions. What should I blog about? What would you like to see? What am I missing? Who should my eye candy’s be? I have a lot going on at work and what not so by the time I get home my brain is fried. Ya digg?

Also:

Bon Jovi or Poison?
NKOTB or Nsync?
SWV or Destiny’s Child?
Nas or JayZ?

Would you rather lick a sweaty arm pit or eat out of a bowl that had been puked in and not rinsed?

Oh. P.S. YOU.

The Bitch is Back Or A Catsup Blog

Jun 22, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., Friendship, Honest Tuesday's, Out of Wicked's Mouth

Yup. I said it. I have my ammo locked and loaded. It has been months since I was able or inspired to write every day and now I am ready.

I see that I had some fair-weather readers … my following dropped by about 30 people. Fuck you. Don’t come back. You are probably fair-weather friends too and I am not a fan of that.

So I went to Austin. It was ama.zing.

It was unexpectedly overwhelming for me. I had not ever been a bridesmaid before, so I was completely unaware of the responsibilities of being one. You know, having to be places at specific times and things. All of the weddings I had ever been in, I just had to show up for the reception … you know?

It was also overwhelming because frankly, having that much love in such a small area is intense. I should have prepared myself. I am dealing with some personal changes where I am more aware of my personal space being invaded by others my three year old, etc. all of the time and I am more and more interested in keeping that space to myself as much as possible. I am finding myself less interested in being touched or anything remotely resembling you being in my space.

Is that weird? (I don’t even know why I am asking this. I really don’t give a fuck if it is weird. Bottom line: geoufmyspacealready)

Regardless, there is one thing about my life that makes me happiest, other than my family. That is that I have (for the most part) an amazing group of people around me. Finally. It was an amazing thing to let 2 and a half years lapse and still feel (for the most part) the exact same way that I did then about my ladies. Even more happy is that 2 pretty special ladies in my life were exactly how I hoped they would be and we bonded exactly like I hoped we would bond.

Austin solidified many friendships. New ones and old ones that needed to be re-solidified. If that makes sense. That is a good feeling.

When I look back at specific moments from that trip, I am reminded of the fact that we all kinda just love each other. Unconditionally. Who has that kind of love anymore?

I know, right?

It seems like in this day and age, everyone’s love comes with a condition attached to it. Like “I will love you forever but you need to always have money or I am out.” Or “I vow to love you as long as you do this and this and this for me.” Even “Our love is eternal. But if you get sick, I have to leave you after fucking some other sap behind your back.”

I am not a fan of this. I am a fan of communicating with a person. Expressing feelings and frustrations. I am also a fan of being heard. And respected. And understood. I am a big fan of working out differences and not holding a grudge (most of the time). That is what true friendship is all about, isn’t it?

So, I look back to my trip and thank God every day that I was able to make it and that I am fortunate enough to have so many different forms of awesomeness surrounding me … and that most all of them made it there to celebrate the wedding of my soul sister.

Blogged about Austin: Check.

Moving on.

Kids. I have them.

They are doing pretty freaking great … Xavier had his art featured in a community art festival over Father’s Day weekend which is super awesome. Charli is … a brat and a half but so smart. She is a potty hater and really enjoys bossing everyone around as much as possible.

X is now out of school. D may or may not be on the verge of losing his mind … and it isn’t even the end of the first week with the both of them home. All day. Together. Terrorizing each other. Endlessly.

I need ideas of crap for them to do. Seriously. Projects. Crafts. Activities. Anything. Or, I am going to come home and each child will be hung upside down in opposite corners by their toes and D will be in another corner, rocking back and forth with his ears covered in sheer agony of this summer boredom situation.

Some things I have come up with are:

Make your own candy necklaces.
Sock puppets
Handprint rainbows
Scavenger hunts

Alright: GO!

Blogging about kids: Check Check.

Work is … work.

I can’t really go into the details of it but if I could wish for a different situation than the one that is present … I would. Ya digg?

Also the book publishing is taking forever. I am working on getting everything finalized and ready for purchase. Thanks for being patient.

Blogged about work and book: Check Check Check

I will have a more coherent blog with extra purpose tomorrow. I might talk a lot about the oil spill, so stay tuned. ( I am lying. That is the last motherfucking thing I want to blog about. If you want to read about that, try CNN.com. Just saying )

Oh. Would you rather have someone tell you the truth or lie to spare your feelings. Be honest about this one. Don’t stroke me just because you THINK I might want to hear you say “truth”.

Oh. And for YOU. Heh.

Tags: austin texas, awesomeness, cnn, Friendship, love, oil spill, weddings, you

Kinda Like Egg Beaters … But Not.

Apr 20, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., I Forgot to Tag, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Sex

I have words that are favorite words.

For instance, the word “Dickbeater”. Who knows what a dickbeater is?

Lemme draw you a picture. (No really I am drawing it.)

Damn. I should win an award for this illustration.

A dickbeater is a hand.

I.E.

As I was coming around the corner yesterday, my boss (referred to as mom) is elbow deep in my trail mix on my desk.

Me: “WTF! Get your dickbeaters out of my trail mix!”
Mom: “Dickbeaters?!”
Me: (throwing up my hands) “Yeah … diiiiiiiiiiickbeaters!”
Mom: “Really?!”
Me: “Yup.”

For the rest of the night, dickbeaters was the word of the day.

“What are you doing?”
“Oh nothing, just rubbing my dickbeaters all over your face.”

“Get your dickbeaters off of me right now!”

See! Find a situation, and the word dickbeater will fit right in. It is applicable in almost every context.

“I would totally help you right now, but I have my dickbeaters full.”

“Sorry, my dickbeaters are tied in this situation.”

“I just love it when we hold dickbeaters.”

“Can I have your daughters dickbeater in marriage?”

“Man. She has such pretty dickbeaters!”

“The dickbeater that rocks the cradle”

Furthermore, I love my job and the people I work with. I also love my friends and my kids and my husband.

That is all I got. It is 12:30, I am tired, loaded and well … my dickbeaters are full right now. I need some sleep.

You go. Use dickbeater in a sentence.
Had you ever heard the word dickbeater before today?

Tags: beater, dick, dickbeater. egg beater.

Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s: Having a Ballsack

Apr 6, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, I Forgot to Tag, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Ranteriffic, Relationships, Suck It!, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays, bitch

Welcome to WHtW!

Today I am gonna completely hypothetically and generally specifically rant about people who don’t have ballsacks. Women and men alike who lack the sack o’ ball.

So whatever happened to them? Seriously? It seems like people are so God damned afraid to say what they really think or feel in fear of judgment or … *GASP* making someone feel uncomfortable. It is everywhere. Politics. School. Work. Life. Relationships. The fear of “saying the wrong thing” seems to take over more than I have ever noticed.

I say fuck that. Grow a pair and tell someone how you really feel already. What is the worst that could possibly happen? They might not like you? Fuck it. If they can’t take a bit of honesty, then I would rather not have them in my life anyway.

The trick is HOW you say it. Savvy. Smooth. Saying fuck off with the biggest smile on your face.

Who could hate a face as cheesy as that!?

Having a ballsack can mean so many different things … depending on the situation.

It means that when you need to let someone off the hook … you just.fucking.do it rather than allowing them to remain on the hook thinking that everything is okay.

Having a ballsack means saying what you need to say. Not talking in circles, hoping that maybe they will get your drift.

It means taking complete responsibility for something. Out loud. Not in the privacy of your own home when no one can hear you.

It means understanding what having consideration for another person means.

Having a ballsack means that you are the asshole sometimes. But at least you are respected for being honest.

It definitely means that at the end of the day, you are always who you portray yourself to be. Or, at least 99% of the time anyway.

It means that when push comes to shove, you will lay it all out on the line simply because it is the right thing to do.

Furthermore, having a ballsack gives you the courage to know that sometimes, doing the right thing is not always liked by everyone.

Ballsack = Integrity
It also = Honesty
And = Consideration
Maybe a little bit = Asshole

All in all, having a ballsack can mean everything to someone. Even if your ballsack means little or nothing to you.

Just saying.

Would you rather someone lie to spare your feelings or tell you the truth? BE HONEST.
Jay Leno or David Letterman? Why?
What is your favorite song right now?

Tags: ballsack, do the right thing, done and done, integrity, lie

TMIThursday’s: Masturbation 101 by Dr. Dumbass

Mar 31, 2010 Current Events, DUH, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Sex, TMI Thursday's, Wicked Wisdoms

Welcome to yet another TMIT! Miss Lilu is the founder of the awesome awfulness … so go show her and all of the other TMIT contributors some pukeinyourmouth trainwreckyoucantturnaway love.

This was a blog that I wrote awhile back as a feature for “Cosmo Can Kiss My Ass.” Miss Chrissa had some regular posts there that made fun of the bullshit articles in magazines such as Cosmopolitan and Elle and Seventeen.

The one I “reviewed” was the “12 Secrets of Sensational Solo Sex” the text in italic are my “thoughts” on each of the bullet points provided. Feel free to share your thoughts as well.

TMIT? In some ways yes … in other ways … maybe. I just found it and got a laugh out of it, so I hope that you do to.

*AHEM*

“Am I doing this right?” When it comes to sex, it’s the most asked question of all time, and masturbation is no exception.

Relax.
The key to your enjoyment is your ability to relax and stay in the moment, so check your anxieties or frustrations at the door. Stop thinking about work, the kids or the dirty laundry. Take a warm bath or get a massage beforehand.

Um. The reason I DO masturbate is to relieve frustration. Isn’t that part of the magic? To be able to flick the bean and walk away from the session care free??? And, if someone is giving me a pre-Oface massage … they better be giving my vagina one as well. K?

(Or is it just me?)

Turn yourself on.
Think about what things have turned you on in the past and focus on them now to jump-start your arousal. Fantasize about a steamy sexual encounter, replay a scene from a sexy movie or imagine yourself naked with your favorite celebrity. If you enjoy additional stimulation, put on some sexy music or read some erotica.

Why the fuck do I want to think about anything? Does there have to be so much planning involved? It sounds to me like someone’s marriage.

“Honey, let’s fuck tomorrow ’round 6pm, okay?”

Fuck that. I want my time to be on the fly. Maybe in the shower, maybe in traffic. Maybe in front of my laptop watching some free amateur porn.
*don’t judge me*

Have a look.
If you’ve never really looked at your genitals before, take out a mirror and hold it with one hand while you use the other hand to locate the parts of your genitalia. Look for the clitoris under its protective hood at the top of your vulva; identify your labia, vagina and anus. It might help to have an anatomical diagram next to you if you’re having trouble figuring out what’s what.

How is a visit to the OBGYN a turn on? I know where my shit is located. Do I look like a fucking idiot?

And a DIAGRAM to figure out what is what????? Seriously. Do I need to humor this with a comment?

Let your fingers do the walking.
Use your fingertips to explore all the parts of your genital anatomy. Notice the smoothness of the labia folds, and the hardness of the clitoris. Peel back the clitoral hood and touch the glans so you are familiar with its sensitivity. Insert a finger into your vagina and notice the different textures as it moves in slightly. As you explore, pay attention to the parts of your vulva that feel especially good when stimulated.

I am lost. Are we masturbating, or are we having anatomy 101?

Play with yourself.
Put the mirror down, lie on your back and touch yourself all over. Begin by running your hands all over your skin, lingering on the spots that feel particularly sensitive — including the breasts and the sides of your thighs. Try a variety of movements on your labia and clitoris, pulling, pinching and rubbing along the smooth skin. Focus on the clitoris, paying attention to any erotic sensations that certain moves generate. Some women like to use two fingers to rub over the clitoral hood in a circular motion; others place a fingertip on either side of the clitoris and move from side to side.

Did a man write this? No seriously. I am cracking the hell up right now. “lie on your back and touch yourself all over”….

crackup

How about this. Ladies, lets do the opposite. Lets stand straight up, and NOT touch ourselves. See if by some sort of mental telepathy, we are able to climax by just thinking about it.

Feel the buzz.
Turn your vibrator on and explore in much the same way that you did with your hands. Try running the toy over different parts of your body, including your genitals, but saving your clit for last. Lightly place the tip of the vibrator on your clitoral hood. If the vibration is too intense, place a washcloth or piece of clothing between your body and the toy.