Cuz Mommy Says Eat
Mar 9, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage.
So the question has been directed my way…
“How do you retrain the wheel… in the oral department… when the other person just isn’t as into it as you would like them to be??”
Specifically referring to “dining out”.
I call this oralsexophobia.
When it comes to oral, there really isn’t a retraining. I think oral sex is like sushi. You either like it or you don’t. It isn’t really an acquired taste/talent/fetish. I know several men who just do not prefer to put their face in-between ANYONES legs. I don’t care if you have the prettiest most famous vagina on the planet. They just are not gonna go there. On the flip-side, I know several women who not only refuse to suck a cock… but DEMAND to have their coochie knife and forked regularly.
Um. What?
Granted, I haven’t been a regular Blow Job Betty lately… (not because I am not in a giving mood by any means..) and usually the snatch to cock ratio favors my pleasure… but I don’t demand head if I am not willing to reciprocate.
“So,” you ask… ” what am I supposed to do if I want it, and he/she just doesn’t want to give it?”
There are many different layers to this loaded question.
1:Are YOU giving oral with no reciprocation?
If yes, I would stop. Period. Give ‘No McOral’ a taste of their own medicine. Why should you be the only one giving presents. (yes, I understand that most of us who DO give oral, actually enjoy doing so… however it is absolutely unethical to have Mr. Man in ElBoat-o stranded in lake neglect when Penis McBall is being coddled like a 7 month old infant.)
2- Have you talked to Neglector 2010 about their oralsexophobia?
If you haven’t, PLEASE do. Find out why. Talk about your needs. Tell them how important it is to you to not only receive it, but to give it as well. Explain why it is important in your sex life. Communication is SO key in any relationship. ESPECIALLY the sexual part.
3 If N-2010 is not receptive to your needs, and cannot get past whatever it is that turns them off………
Then you as the needy one, has to decide exactly the level of importance oral sexcapades are to you.
Personally, I would tell D to go take a long walk. I absolutely MUST be the main course on a regular basis. I need frequent stimulation. Period. Need it. Like life or fucking death. There is nothing better than a fantastic tongue fucking related o-face.
Dining out, in my opinion, is more than just a luxury. It is as important as cock penetration. Period. If your ball-and-chain cant get it together… I would tell them to kick rocks, OR find someone who WILL do it on the side.
On a side minirant…. if I catch wind of another bitch that doesn’t swallow…. I am going to fucking scream. Giving head and not at least letting him cum INSIDE your face is like giving him a hot fudge Sunday without the fudge. If you don’t want to digest his seed, fine. But don’t make him tell you when he is about to cum so you can move out of firing range.
He.Might.As.Well.Whack.Off.
Nothing irritates me more than a half-assed Betty. DON’T give them then. DON’T get a mans hopes up and then shaft him at the end.
DON’T make us full BJ givers look bad. We give 110 percent, so you need to as well.
K? K.
Thoughts on oral? Do you dine out?
IF you were to name the emotion that you waste the most time on, what would it be?
Name five songs to which you know all the lyrics.
Tags: blow job betty, cunningulus, fellatio, oral sex
It Started With a Simple Question …
Feb 2, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., I Forgot to Tag, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Sex, Thoughts and Perceptions
… that led to this blog.
Do you ever wonder what other peoples “pee faces” look like? I pee a lot lately, and sometimes I know I make the most ridiculous pee faces ever. Especially when I should have peed like 1 hour prior… so I reeeeeeeeealllyyyy have to pee. It is probably closer to an orgasm face than a pee face.
I am so nosy. I would totally be a fly on the stall wall, observing other people’s pee faces; giggling uncontrollably at them squint, and silently sigh as they finally let it all out.
I don’t want to be a fly on the wall for poo faces. No No No. Grunty faces aren’t interesting to me, especially because the present left after the grunts and groans and poots is stinky. I am not interested in being a part of another woman’s poo funk.
I would also be that proverbial fly on the wall during sex.
All sex. Gay sex, bi-sex, old people sex, group sex…. You wouldn’t really get a true idea of what other people’s sex behaviors are if they knew you were watching.
People fart. Unattractive noises are made sometimes during position change. The moaning is not necessarily as pretty sounding as the little girls on the movies. I would perch my nosy, horny ass on their smoke stained wallpaper and watch them go at it.
I have had people watch D and I have sex… which was weird at first, but now that I think about it…. triple rawwwwrr. Watch me! And while you are at it, touch yourself while you are doing it. Why haven’t you joined in yet? I wanna make you call MY name out.
What?? Too bold??
Porn = a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. These sluts know that a camera is on them, so they absolutely put on a show. That is what they are paid for, right? I am inclined to say that porn doesn’t necessarily turn me off… but it isn’t really what I need to get the mood going. Well, with the exception of more than one girl going at it… and then really, it just makes me more mad than anything—because I really would rather just actually be with more than one girl, rather than watch them have all of the fun.
Wouldn’t you?
Sex makes me curious.
How does sonso give head? What is her secret technique to drive hubby over the edge? Does whatsherface like it in the butt? I wonder if thatonedude likes to really get into eating pussy? Or does he half-ass it? How many times does Ol’girl call out my name when she masturbates? Does she use a toy, or is she fingers only? Would thatonebitch really make out with me, or would she chicken out last minute??
I honestly have had at least one sexual thought about each and every one of you little minxes. I have also pictured myself on top of each and every one of you as well… or were you on top of me???
Anysnatch….
Sometimes, when I masturbate I don’t think about anything. More often than not, I am not me… I am in someone else’s body, with their husband… or with more than one person. Sometimes I am the pleaser… sometimes I just lay there and let my fantasy take over and please me.
I am a toy kind of girl; a no-nonsense, get down to business girl who doesn’t waste anytime sending me to that optimum climax. Sometimes I make myself cum more than once in a session. I have sent myself to that point so many times in one session that I cant even pee or wipe or touch it without a pleasure-filled pain involved.
So yeah. One question in my head led to this blogtastrophe. You are welcome.
Would you rather … Be trapped in an elevator with wet dogs or with three fat men with bad breath?
Tags: masturbate, people, porn, Sex
An Award annnnnnnnnd A LMFAO Conversation, Etc.
Jan 17, 2010 Etc., Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Yum... or Lack There Of.
Happy Monday Individuals!
I was given a really kick ass award from a new (to me) bloggerslashreader. You should add him to your readers because he is pretty awesome and I quite enjoy his blogs. I really have to give it up to Lilu as well for making the connection between us via TMIT’s every week. I don’t think that she is aware of the impact she has on connecting us bloggers on the interwebs.
The Award is the “Happy 101 Award” and the rules are as follows:
I have to list ten things that make me happy and I have to do one of them today. Then I have to pass the award on to ten other bloggers who I think are deserving. Now, ten things that make me happy:
(These things are in no particular order and I have bolded the ones I have done today.)
1. Masturbating. I could be having an unlimited amount of sex every single day of my life, but I still enjoy a good self-love session. Sometimes, I masturbate AFTER sex. Not because I didn’t get off … but because I fucking feel like it.
2. Blogging. Even if my blog is crap and I don’t have time to put thought into what it is for the day. Even if I don’t publish it … I must blog every single day.
3. Sex. Duh.
4. My ladies make me happy. Tarable, Rach, Squishy, Carol, Cass, Q, Tori, JonnaBonnana, Kim(s), Lirra, Sheesha, Leslie, Chrissie, Angie, Rosie, Chrissa … fuck I know I am forgetting a bitch or 2 but I know you will forgive me.
5. Accomplishing my goals. To know that I set something for myself and then push to make it happen … the best feeling ever.
6. My husband and my kids make me happy.
7. Sleeping in.
8. Reading a good book. Uninterrupted.
9. Making someone else laugh makes me happy.
10. Food makes me happy.
*BONUS*
11. A sexy fucking man makes me happy. Get naked and let me see the GOODS!
12. Shopping. Specifically bargain shopping. New stuff makes me happy.
I would like to recognize the following bloggers and give them the Happy 101 award. Because each of them make me happy every single day when I read their thoughts.
Squish @ Squishisms: Her view of the world makes me happy. Even when she is stabby. Actually MOSTLY when she is stabby.
Jaime @ Life Under Construction: She is hilarious to me. I enjoy her view of life.
MissTricky @ What Happens After: She is one of my oldest and dearest “internet friends”. Bes’ believe that we will be old bitties together one day. Face to Face styles.
Ms. Bethany @ Bethany’s World: She is who she is and says what she thinks in the most diplomatic way I have ever seen.
EroticaBitch @ Verbal Assassin: She is the most kick-assiest Army wife I have ever known.
Moog @ Mental Poo: He is just fucking hilar. Period.
Tori @ Dramatic Sigh: I don’t even have words for her fucking blogs sometimes.
Bradley @ A Jersey Kid: He used to be on a different blog which went on hiatus but is back ( I hope ) just in a different location. I missed him. He tops my favorite blog list ever in the history of blog lists.
Rosie @ Neurotic Ramblings: She is crazy as fuck but I love her. And when I say crazy, I mean it in the most complimentary way possible.
And last but definitely not least …
P.Q. @ DC Princess: She is my numbah1. She within her own crazy self makes me happy.
Now for the LMFAO Conversation between myself and Tarable.
Friday night has been decided as our Girls Night. We are going to start doing stuff together after work … because we deserve it and because we want to. Not necessarily just going to the bar or anything … but having dinner at new restaurants or seeing movies … or … well … going to the bar. Heh.
This last Friday we got pierced. She got her nose, and I got my cartilage in my ear done. Then we went and got some mini box wines and drove around blasting our favorite music.
When we got home, we picked a movie … “Funny People” and while drinking wine and watching it, we decided that we were hungry.
Me: “I want just ONE cheeseburger.”
Tarable: “Courtni! No!”
Me: “Fine.”
Tarable: “How would we get there anyway.”
Me: “Are you already hammered?”
Tarable: “Nooo ooooo…”
Me: “So what you are saying is …”
Tarable: “I am saying that I am off one. And I am going to tell the bitch in the drive thru that. Like, I want 3 cheeseburgers no onion I am off one.”
Me: “Mission accepted.”
So we are on our way to the land of the cheeseburger. I am admittedly waaaaaaaay more buzzed than I originally thought. The level of buzzed where every god damned thing is hilar.
We pull into the drivethru.
DtB: “Welcome to the land of the cheeseburger, may I take your order?”
Tarable (to me): “What was I supposed to say again?”
Me: “Can I have 4 cheeseburgers, no onions I am off one.”
Tarable (to DtB): “Can I have 4 cheesburgers no onioniamoffone.”
DtB: “What was that?”
Tarable: “4 cheeseburgers, no onionIamoffone.”
DtB: (Silence)
Me: Motherfucking DYING laughing.
Tarable: “FOUUUUUUUR CHEEEEEEEEEESEBURGERRRRRRRRRRRSSS, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ONION I.AM.OFF.ONE.”
At this point, I am fucking crying laughing because Tarable was mad at this DtB’s lack of understanding of her SLURRED ass statement of being off one. She probably had ZERO clue as to what “off one” really meant.
We pull up to the window.
Tarable: “Hi. Sorry. I am just off one.”
DtB didn’t laugh.
Me: “OMG I AM GOING TO PEE MY PANTS!”
Tarable: “Courtni!”
Me: (I literally could not look at her. I had my back to her and was all up IN the window.) “I cant helllllllllllp it!”
Tarable: “I am sorry. SHE is off one too.”
We pull up to the NEXT window.
Tarable: “You need to get it together. They are going to spit in our cheeseburgers.”
Me: “I cant help it.”
Tarable: “They might even deny us the cheeseburgers all together! One time I was kicked out of a drivethru for cursing too much!”
Me: “SNORT”
Tarable: “I am not kidding!”
The window opens. It is the SAME fucking lady.
Tarable: “Oh! It is YOU again! Maybe we should have stayed at the other window … no!?”
DtB didn’t laugh.
Me: “OhhhhhhhhhhmyfuckingGODrightnow!”
Tarable: (to the DtB) “Thanks for the cheeseburgers, you were a PEACH.”
So we pull away.
Me: (finally pulling it together) “I cannot believe that you had the audacity to fucking get mad at this fucking lady. This is how you sounded. TWICE “Can I get 4 cheeseburgers, no onionIamoffone.” and then when she was confused, you spoke to her like she was slow … like it was HER fault.”
Tarable: “Well! Whatever! HAHAHAHA!”
Me: “I am totally blogging about this.”
The end. I love us. We are awesome. Like, e = MC AWESOME.
What 10 things make YOU happy today!?
Tags: blogawards, cheeseburger, tarable, that one fast food place, the pursuit of happiness
Preferred Peeves.
Jan 11, 2010 DUH, Family, Honest Tuesday's, Masturbate-able, Random, Ranteriffic, Relationships, Sex, Suck It!, This Thing Called Marriage.
Everyone has preferences. Me, being the picky bitch… has A LOT of them. I mean…. HELLA.
I prefer a man to smell like dryer sheets or soap than cologne. (same with a woman.)
I prefer lilies or wildflowers to roses.
I prefer brunettes to blondes.
I prefer unripe bananas to ripe bananas.
I prefer vodka to any other liquor.
I prefer box wine. (shutup.)
I prefer rough sex to gentle sex. (most of the time)
Speaking of sex, YAY for sex last night. YAY for waking me up with a nice fat D cock, and even more YAY to instantaneous orgasms. I swear, he only gets better with age. No man on the planet can work my body like he can, and in such a short amount of time sometimes.
In this case, gentle sex was better. Mainly because it had been 60 days and I wanted it that way.
*satisfied sigh*
I think I will predict that it is going to be tough to get out of bed in the morning. That might also be why I am in a mood today. A smart ass Cassie kind of mood. HEH.
Oh eat a dick Cass. *snicker* You know you are the smartassiest broad in my life. LMFAO.
Also, I have several pet peeves. I cant help it if little things bother me.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when more than one peeve happens in the same situation.
This makes for a peeved Wicked.
Pet peeve 1~ having to wake up and motivate before 9am without coffee.
Pet peeve 2~ drivers. of any kind. before coffee. (my road rage is awful FYI)
Pet peeve 3~ customer service reps who don’t speak English well enough to carry on a conversation. or actually provide you with the correct services that you asked for.
pet peeve 4~ said non English speaking person referring to you as lady instead of the name I was fucking born with.
Anyway, the other day I had this appointment. These fools want me there at 8 am.
8.
a
m
.
If you aren’t already aware, I am not a morning person. People usually steer clear until after my coffee is gone or after 10am, whichever comes first. So let me tell you how fucking angry I was to be in this place at 8am. And then to have to re-explain why I am here to this fucking guy FOUR fucking times for him to actually understand the words that were coming out of my mouth. (or so I thought anyway)
So I am sitting there, minding my own business, when no speaka comes up and says to me (which brings me to pet peeve … #5)
“Lady you need to ….”
Can you guess what pet peeve 5 is?
Yeah. Someone telling me what I need to do.
Anyfuck.
So I wait for an hour before 10am before coffee after telling this fucker 235673453 times what I needed to fucking have this guy tell me that he fucked up *gasp* and called the wrong department.
i.went.clean.the.fuck.off.
I scared him I think because someone saw me right away. Like less than a minute after I began on my sleep deprived, stress induced, lack of coffee rage.
All he could say was ‘lady’ over and over again. *fuming*
Then I had to listen to this bitch yap on and on about (pet peeve 5) what I need to fucking be doing. Even after I informed her what I was already doing that was what she was trying to tell me what I needed to be doing.
Pet peeve 6~ People talking to hear themselves talk.
What are some of your pet peeves?
Tags: pet peeves, preferences
Weekend Poetry: Raw Passion
Jan 9, 2010 Creative Writing/Poetry, Masturbate-able, Sex
sex me.
my toes
nose to nose
no clothes
rapture shows
every breath
I moan…
shallow groan
mind blown
love unknown
unspoken adoration.
speechless joy
girl n’ boy
human toy
together enjoy
raw passion.
Click the link to check out my other Weekend Poetry posts!
5 Days (or) I am Hungry (or) “You’re Next” (or) Randomosity
Jan 6, 2010 All Things X, DUH, Etc., Family, Masturbate-able, Parenting, Random, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, bitch
Hi. I was thinking of a topic for “Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s” but couldn’t think of a good one so instead I shall word vomit. (Hint: Give me some WHtW’s suggestions pleasenthx.)
I talked to D today after finally fucking having to gangster this non english speaking bitch on the other end of my phone. I fucking LOATHE customer service call centers. Especially the outsourcedtoanotherfuckingcountrytosavemoneyyetoursocietyisfuckingunemployedlikeamotherfucker ones.
Yep. I surely did go there.
Anyway, he and I had a conversation about how it was gonna go down. It = the very strategic process of him putting his penis in my vagina. It was quite the conversation. What I want to happen and what will actually happen are probably 2 completely different things. At least 5 days from now anyway. Truthfully, I just wanna marinate for like a fucking week with complete silence and penis in my vicinity but you and I both know that I have 2 mini terrorists in my house that are not interested in anything 1) silent and 2) what I want so we are gonna have to get in where we fit in. No pun intended.
I am hungry. I want some chocolate. Like an Oreo or some Ritter Sport. Actually, I just want anything in my mouth that shouldn’t be there. Including a cheeseburger and a taco salad and even an apple with peanut butter. Mmmmm. Since starting back on South Beach Phase 1, I forgot how fucking hard it is to stick to phase 1. Carbs are the motherfucking devil.
So today, Xavier was home from school for about an hour by himself. My sitter had to run an errand or so and was running a bit behind so I get this frantic call from him.
X: “Mom – uh – uh – the cat – uh – is – puking – and – you – didnt answer so – uh – I called the vet and then the neighbor and she wants to talk to you.”
Me: (fuuuuuuckreally?!) “Alright.”
Neighbor: “Hi, is everything okay? Does X have someone looking after him?”
Me: “Yes my sitter had an errand to run and there was some traffic so he is just home alone for about an hour. Thanks for checking up.”
Neighbor: “Okay … are you sure?”
Me: (FUCKIAMFINEBITCHGODGETOUTOFMYBUSINESS!!!!!!!!!) “Yep. We are all good!”
X: “I didnt know what to do. I am sorry!”
Me: “It is fine Xavier. Just get your chores done, okay?”
X: “Okay.”
15 minutes later, I check my phone because while on a pitch selling me some dang credits, I had 4 missed calls from my house. Tried calling. The phone is busy. So I check the VM I had.
Scratchy sound scratchy sound … “qssaggYOURENEXTwertwsgfs”
Click.
Insert me freaking the fuck out.
So I call back my house phone. Busy. I call my sitter.
Me: “Hi. Um. Did you make it back to my house?”
Her: “Yeah I am sitting in the living room… why?”
Me: “Is Xavier there?”
Her: “Yeaahhh…?”
Me: (realizing what happened.) “Put him on the phone.”
Her: “Okayyy…”
X: “Hello!”
Me: “Are you kidding me?”
X: “What?!”
Me: “You’re next!?!?!?!”
X: “Ohhh thaaat! You got my voicemail then.”
Me: “Yeah and I do not think that it is funny.”
X: “What? Why not?”
Me: “Um well lets start with the fact that you were home alone and I thought someone had snatched you up Xavier.”
X: “Ohhhhh … I didn’t think about thaaat.”
Me: “I could kill you for freaking me out like that!”
X: “Sorry.”
Are you fucking kidding me right now?! GAH. I will tell you that I am only mad as far as he is concerned right now until I get his little ass back, thanks to a kick ass recommendation. Yep. He is gonna be scared out of his mind.
*wickedcackle*
I cant reeeeeeeeeeally be mad though. I used to play hella pranks on my mom. As often as possible actually. Of course payback is a bitch. Offffffff course this is the “mothers curse”. I get it. It’s cool. We shall see who has the last laugh.
All I am saying is that in 5 days, I don’t want to hear word one about any of this shit for like … I dunno … 60 motherfucking days. The only thing I want to hear about is D’s face buried in my vagina until I can’t feel my own face due to an over abundance of O faces.
Ya diiiiiiiiiig?!
Tell me something funny. Something hilar has to have happened in your life over the past couple of weeks that I have missed.
Have you ever pulled any prank bullshit on your parents, or have you had any pulled on you?
Tags: ass whoopin, cunningulus, oreo, Parenting, prank, ritter sport
For That, I am Grateful – 2
Dec 31, 2009 All Things X, Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, love
This is part 2 of 2 of my grateful things of 2009.
To repeat myself …
She is doing 26 Days of Gratefulness. Each day represents a letter filled with things that she is eternally grateful for. Of course more than half of these days made me cry like a fucking baby because that is what the hell I do when there is anything mush or moosh involved in it. But when she does it … it hits me even harder. (I will get to her later.)
N is for Nighttime. It is the only time I have to myself. I am grateful for me time. N is also for Noggin. Not the TV show … the oral sex kind.
O is for Orgasm. I am grateful for every orgasm I can give or get. O is also for Open letters. I look forward to every single Friday so that I can openly bitch out any one and everyone that pisses me the hell off.
P is for Penis. Yes. I am grateful for the infamous penis. I neeeed it in my life on a regular basis. It is also for Pumps. As in shoes. P is also for my Phone Sex Voice. Apparently … it is worth millions. P is especially for Prettiness. It is an essential in this house. Live Prettily and life is Perfect. 
Q is for Quarters. A pre-paycheck scrounge for Quarters is a regular event around here. Quarters get gas, cheeseburgers, wine … even cigs for those who smoke. Q is most importantly for *MY* Q. My Numbah 1. My Partner. One of my best friends. Ever. She owns Q. She *is* Q.
R is for Romance. It is essential. Romance is a part of me. It is also for Rough. Rough sex, that is. I like it Rough and Raw. R is also for Rally. I have needed the people in my life to Rally around me recently … and they really really have. R is also for Range Rover. I want one. K? R is most importantly for Readers. You all make my day better. Your thoughts. Your advice. Your viewpoints. If I didn’t have you … I may not be so into blogging.
S is for Sex. God damnit I am grateful for it. Sex. Seeeeeeexxxxxxxxxx. S is also for Soul Sister. Because I haz them and I am grateful for them. Beyond grateful. Carol. Cass. Anne. Chrissie. Chrissa. ‘Lullah. Mary. Q. Kanisha. Leslie. Rachael. You all make my life a better life. You make me a better person. Each of you are so important to me and my sanity. S is for Sanity. S is also for Sunshine. My Sunshine comes in the form of a Carol. Heh. I made a comment about her being Sunshine, even when she is being followed by a black cloud … and that she doesn’t even know it … which is the best part. My Sunshine makes me happy … when skies are grey. S is also for Squish. Squishy. SquishyAmandaFace. I love her mostly because of how raw and honest she is. But that is only Scratching the Surface. I am so grateful to be her friend.
T is for Tarable. And Tough. And Tolerance. And Teeny Tiny. And Team. All of these have to do with Tarable. She is my rock. My sister. My bestie. I don’t know what I would do without her. T is also for Text messages. They have saved me in tough spots and entertained me to no end.
U is for UPGRADES! I am grateful for this team more than I can describe into words. It was the best decision to take the risk to work in this department.
V is for Vagina. I hope mine knows how grateful I am for it.
W is for Women. Because I have so many inspirational and strong Women in my life. W is also for Wisdom. I have learned so much. I have grown so much. Wisdom within myself and from others has proven to be so beneficial.
X is for Xavier. He is my little big man. No matter how much he fucks up … I will always love him.
Y is for Yaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Or sleep. Either way Yawning leads to it. And I love sleep like nobodies business.
Z is for Zac. He is a new addition to my life and I am most grateful for him. I am pretty sure that I am not the only one who thinks this of him.
G’Head. List your N-Z’s of gratefulness.
If I don’t talk to you before hand, Happy New Year!
Tags: kids, sleep, soul sister, strong women, team, upgrades
For That, I am Grateful: 1
Dec 29, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love
After long and hard contemplation, I have decided to steal this kick ass blog idea from my souliest sister in the whole wide world. It is about to be a New Year … and I can’t think of a better way to end my year in blogging by talking about the things that make me grateful.
She is doing 26 Days of Gratefulness. Each day represents a letter filled with things that she is eternally grateful for. Of course more than half of these days made me cry like a fucking baby because that is what the hell I do when there is anything mush or moosh involved in it. But when she does it … it hits me even harder. (I will get to her later.)
Since I am late to the game, mine will be broken in 2. Wanna hear it hear it goes.
*deepoverlyemotionalbreath*
A is for Awesomeness. I am grateful that I have discovered and have embraced my own Awesomeness. For one, because it is Awesome to own your Awesomeness … but more importantly, it is Awesome to show others that they are in fact Awesome. And to help another Awesome human being to embrace their own Awesomeness … is … well … Awesome in it’s own right.
B is for Breath. Being able to stop to catch my own. It is also for Babysitters. The one that I stumbled upon in my time of need has been a fucking life saver. Even in her own time of crisis, she stood by me and made sure that no matter what I was able to focus on what I needed to do for my family to survive without worrying about my kids’ well being. She has become not only my Babysitter, but one of my Best friends. B is also for Book. Because in 2009, I published mine. I am so proud of my accomplishment. I started it. I finished it. It is quality. It is mine. My creation. If nothing else ever comes of it other than my Lulu self publishing endeavor … I will still see myself as a success. Would I love to be on the Bestseller’s list? Duh. B is for Blogging. I have no clue what I would do if I didn’t have my Blog space.
C is for Courtni. Yep. I am grateful for me. This year has been a roller coaster, but I have been able to do a lot of good for myself and my family. I lost 30 pounds. I started a kick ass SUCCESSFUL blog site with the help of my Numbah 1. I took a risk by starting this job … but am already seeing the potential successes. Courtni is a stronger woman than she has ever been. She loves herself for the first time ever 100%. Flaws, strengths… all of it. So then really, C is also for Confidence.
D is for D. His absence right now sucks, but it doesn’t change the fact that I love him so much that it hurts. He is an amazing dad. He takes care of me, puts up with me, listens to my endless fucking ranting and loves me unconditionally. Flaws and all. When I cry he knows when and when not to leave me alone. When I just feel like being a bitch … he lets me. (Even if that means ignoring me completely) When I need to be held or loved or smacked around a little (I am kidding) or even told about myself, he just knows. D is my polar opposite. I yell, he just talks. I over analyze, he thinks things through. I freak out, he rationalizes. When we make love it is Dynamic. When we fuck … it is Dirty. He knows which one is the right one. As much as I am his rock, he is mine. Which would make sense as to why we have been together a Decade.
E is for Elasticity. I have gained this quality in the past 48 days. When a bitch gets knocked down, there is no other option other than to bounce back. It is for Energy (the positive kind.) I have had (for the most part) an abundance of it around me over the past 2 months. My new found family especially. E is also for Ears. Without them, I would have had no one to listen to me yell. And I have done my fair fucking share of yelling.
F is for Friendship. I have gone from no Friends to many Friends. True, ride or die fucking Friends. Friends who will give their last slice of bread to my Family if we were hungry. Or at least split it in half. Coming from a childhood where I moved every single year from 4th grade to 9th grade … I didn’t really have many Friends that I knew were real. The ones who I have managed to hold on to for dear life, I am grateful for each of you. Lisa, Jennifer, Stephanie, Rachael, Tweed, Kim1&2, Lirra … even though we don’t always talk or kick it, I am beyond grateful that I have a piece of my past with you. I don’t know if I have ever told any of you how important it is to me that we have managed to keep in touch over the many many years. Friendship is the most important thing to me besides my Family. To me, they go hand in hand. If you are my true Friend … you are my Family. Plain and simple. Food is a big F for me. I heart me some food. All kinds. F is also for Fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason.
G is for Goals. I have set lofty ones for 2010. I am going to achieve all of them. Come hell or high water.
H is for Home. It is for Health. It is for Happiness. H is for Honor. It is for Heart. I am grateful that I have been blessed with life lessons to know and understand what each and every one of these mean and own each of them. I will be working on the Health and the Happiness more this next year … but I am almost there. Closer than I have ever been. That feels awesome.
I is for Insecurities. Yes. I am grateful for my Insecurities because that means that I am human. I is also for Internet. If there was no Internet, I would never have met my soul sisters. I would never have been able to purge my soul for all of you. I is also for Ice cream. Because sometimes, every single problem can be solved with a big fat bowl of Ice cream.
J is for Job. Why? Because for the first time in years I have a Job that I absolutely love. Who has a Job that they have a fucking blast at 97% of the time? I am grateful for my Job and (almost) everyone that I work with there.
K is for Karma. I believe in it. You fuck me, Karma is going to fuck you harder. K is for kids. MY KIDS. Bad, good … bratty, not bratty. I love them. They are the reason I endure all of the chaos. I cannot describe in a blog the depth of love that I have for my kids. My heart swells on a daily basis as I watch them grow and learn and experience … and become these amazing little creatures. My creatures. My creations. I don’t know where I would be without either of them in my life. Also, K is for Kisses. Not the chocolate kind. The sensual, lovey, frenchy kind. Ask me the last time I have been Kissed. G’head. I remember thinking shortly before D left that it felt like we didn’t Kiss enough. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. Kisses. Gimme em.
L is for Love. Long Lasting Love. I Love Love. The idea of someone falling in Love with another person gets me all warm and tingly. To put it simply, I am in Love with Love. L is for Letters. I have received letters in the mail recently due to circumstances and they have kept me sane. I also think that L is for Longevity. Longevity in relationships, health, career … and Life. Because, L is also for Life. I am grateful for the Life I have been blessed with.
M is for Many Many Things. Music. Masturbation. Mommy’s. Motivation. Mayer. Martini. Marilyn Monroe. The most important thing? Music. Music saves me. If I need to be happy? Music. If I need a good cry? Music. If I need some panty dropping? Muuuuuuuusic. I need it in my life daily. Portishead. Natalie Merchant. Snoop. John Mayer. Poison. Alicia Keys. Elton John. Journey. Outkast. Sade. Aaliyah. John Legend. It all affects me the same but for different reasons.
List your A-M’s of gratefulness today. Take some time and remember what good we have been blessed with.
Tags: alicia keys, elton john, john legend, john mayer, journey, love, natalie merchant, outkast, poison, portishead, sade, snoop, www.squishisms.com
Because I Feel Like Going the Fuck Off.
Dec 23, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Masturbate-able, Random, Ranteriffic, bitch
Nobody likes a muffin top. Sooooooooo If your pants don’t fit you … then don’t wear them. And don’t play that “I have no money for new pants” bullshit either. I will help you scrounge $2 and take you to Goodwill to get you a gently used pair of pants in your size. Whatever that size may be god damnit.
I hate restaurants that don’t have the basic skills needed to make me want to come back. Like greeting. It is polite to say “hello” to someone when they walk into your establishment. It is polite to ask if they would like something to drink while waiting for their to-go order. Just because I am not dining in doesn’t make me less of a patron. A bitch is parched. Bring me some agua. Plsnthx.
What is it with starers? Yeah people that stare. Take a picture bitch. There is this broad at my work that (I cannot stand, surprise) fucking stares at me. Stares. With a dumb ass look on her face. So I am torn on whether or not I should say the following:
“Bitch stop staring.”
“Take a picture, it lasts longer, hater.”
“Can I help you with your face?”
“WHAT?!?!”
So instead of possibly getting fired for being a cunt, I just smile at her and remember that not everyone is as awesome as me. Or Tarable, but this isn’t her blog. HAH. The thing is, that it is EVERY DAY. I am genuinely interested in what the fuck she is looking at.
I love “I told you so”s. LOVE THEM. Except when I am not the one saying it.
Side crunches only hurt the next day.
My trainer is less and less hot every time I go to the gym. He is also a prick. The last time I was there, he had dyed his hair all weird and still drove that fucking Jetta. What a douche. I think he may have a smaller penis than I originally speculated. Maybe I will just grab him in passing and see for myself. … …. ….
*stops to ponder whether he would file a sexual harassment suit on me.*
I miss my friend. No, not that one. The one that is actually my friend. The one who doesn’t call me anymore because I don’t ever answer my phone.
Why do people insist on making others listen to Christmas Music? HELLO!? Get some ear buds bitch. I am not interested in Roasting Chestnuts on an Open Fire. Nor do I give a rats ass if Mommy is Kissing motherfucking Santa Claus. THIS MOMMY ISN’T SO FUCKING WHO CARES?!
Furthemore, I am not in the CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. SOooooooooooooooooo don’t try and holidayguilt me into shit. K?
You know what? I am sick of people stalking me outside of places asking for change. What? Because I dress decent and have a Coach bag … that means I am able to just open my wallet and give you money?! NO. NOOOO. How about exert the same motherfucking effort into filling out a god damned McDonalds application!?
And do NOT wait for me to get out of the store with bags to see if I have some change NOW. Like really?@?!?!? BLAH.
For Christmas, I am buying myself a new Vibrator. And a new pair of jeans. THAT FIT ME.
Lastly, I have a growing list of people whom I want to beat their faces in. Innnnnnnnnn. Be glad that most of you aren’t on it.
Feel free to go the fuck off too.
We are standing under the mistletoe, do you kiss me?
Eggnog or no Eggnog?
What is the worst Secret Santa gift you have ever gotten?
Honest Tuesday’s: Hi Hater!
Dec 22, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Honest Tuesday's, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic
Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place to come and be honest about everything you aren’t being honest about … even if I am the only one who knows it.
For today, I will admit that I am a big fat fucking hater.
If you are in love, I hate you.
If you are having regular sex and you like it, I hate you more.
I am pretty sure if I see you on the street all glow-ey like, holding hands with your oneandonlysomeone … I hate you.
I hate you if you are named Ken Adams.
If you don’t go home and drink wine alone …. instead you go home and have someone there to talk to OTHER THAN A CHILD, I hate your face.
If you masturbate because you WANT to and not because you HAVE to … biiiiiiiiiitch I hate you the mostest.
I hate you if you have a unlimited amount of money and you just sit on it all frugal like, and you dont give it to me to buy plane tickets for my friends who I miss the most to fly here and fucking kick it.
I hate you if you have a penis and aren’t sharing it with me.
If you have someone to kiss on NYE, I hate you too.
I hate you if you are all Christmas spirit-y.
I hate you if you are one of the 3 people that I hate at work.
I hate you if you are a generally negative person.
I also hate you if you are a feelings hurter.
If you cannot keep my name out of your mouth, I fucking HATE you.
I hate you if you are stupid.
I hate you if you shoot cops.
And if you are a cop killer affiliate. (i.e.. getaway driver, shelter provider, etc)
I hate you if you are my vagina because you are throbbing like no ones business and it is DISTRACTING.
Lastly, I hate you if you are all “aaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwiamsosorryblahblahblahwhateveryouneediwillbetherforyou” and don’t come through.
K?
What haven’t you been honest about this week?
Tags: friends, HI HATER, ken adams, masturbation, Sex
