Living Wicked

Super Excited!

Jun 21, 2010 Current Events, I Forgot to Tag

Here is a quickie.

I finally have internet at home again which means:

1) The non-stop porn watching will re-commence
2) Diddling to said porn!
3) FB is about to get commented the fuckoutallday (when I am home)
4) BLOGS!

Seriously. Blogging from my phone sucked 5 mile run in 99 degree humidity ass so I said fuck that I am not doing it. Now I can actually blog and feel good about it again.

I have so much to say buuuuuuuuuut I am super tired from all of the internet porn/online shopping/FBstalkingsomedumbcuntthatIhatebutwanttosilentlystalkandtalkshitabout catching up that I had to do so you wont actually get a real blog until tomorrow.

Mental picture?! I think sooooooooooooooo! Bwaaaaaaaahahaha.

Hey YOU! Yeah, YOU!

Tell me something new about you that I obviously missed in my 325634 month hiatus.

Hiatus

May 10, 2010 I Forgot to Tag

Hi. So. Life has gotten … well … Whirl-wind-y and I need to focus on it.

I will blog again when I am not struggling to find something interesting to say.

Sorry.

Blahg

May 9, 2010 I Forgot to Tag

Hey all,

A quick blog on this beautiful Monday because the word of the day in my marriage is *not* bliss … so my focus needs to be there not here.

A couple of thoughts:

1) I appreciate little things. Like homemade gifts and gestures of love.

You should too.

2) Tweak by Nic Sheff is a goddamn great book. If you are affected by addiction in any way, you should read it.

3) My Mothers Day was so great. I adore my family.

4) People take for granted so many things. Including myself. I am gonna make a valiant effort not to anymore. (this will be elborated on at a later date.)

Feel free to word vomit today. Or just click the red X and fuck off. Either way is fine with me.

What were your highs and lows for the weekend?

Tags: nic sheff, tweak

Kinda Like Egg Beaters … But Not.

Apr 20, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., I Forgot to Tag, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Sex

I have words that are favorite words.

For instance, the word “Dickbeater”. Who knows what a dickbeater is?

Lemme draw you a picture. (No really I am drawing it.)

Damn. I should win an award for this illustration.

A dickbeater is a hand.

I.E.

As I was coming around the corner yesterday, my boss (referred to as mom) is elbow deep in my trail mix on my desk.

Me: “WTF! Get your dickbeaters out of my trail mix!”
Mom: “Dickbeaters?!”
Me: (throwing up my hands) “Yeah … diiiiiiiiiiickbeaters!”
Mom: “Really?!”
Me: “Yup.”

For the rest of the night, dickbeaters was the word of the day.

“What are you doing?”
“Oh nothing, just rubbing my dickbeaters all over your face.”

“Get your dickbeaters off of me right now!”

See! Find a situation, and the word dickbeater will fit right in. It is applicable in almost every context.

“I would totally help you right now, but I have my dickbeaters full.”

“Sorry, my dickbeaters are tied in this situation.”

“I just love it when we hold dickbeaters.”

“Can I have your daughters dickbeater in marriage?”

“Man. She has such pretty dickbeaters!”

“The dickbeater that rocks the cradle”

Furthermore, I love my job and the people I work with. I also love my friends and my kids and my husband.

That is all I got. It is 12:30, I am tired, loaded and well … my dickbeaters are full right now. I need some sleep.

You go. Use dickbeater in a sentence.
Had you ever heard the word dickbeater before today?

Tags: beater, dick, dickbeater. egg beater.

Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s: Having a Ballsack

Apr 6, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, I Forgot to Tag, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Ranteriffic, Relationships, Suck It!, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays, bitch

Welcome to WHtW!

Today I am gonna completely hypothetically and generally specifically rant about people who don’t have ballsacks. Women and men alike who lack the sack o’ ball.

So whatever happened to them? Seriously? It seems like people are so God damned afraid to say what they really think or feel in fear of judgment or … *GASP* making someone feel uncomfortable. It is everywhere. Politics. School. Work. Life. Relationships. The fear of “saying the wrong thing” seems to take over more than I have ever noticed.

I say fuck that. Grow a pair and tell someone how you really feel already. What is the worst that could possibly happen? They might not like you? Fuck it. If they can’t take a bit of honesty, then I would rather not have them in my life anyway.

The trick is HOW you say it. Savvy. Smooth. Saying fuck off with the biggest smile on your face.

Who could hate a face as cheesy as that!?

Having a ballsack can mean so many different things … depending on the situation.

It means that when you need to let someone off the hook … you just.fucking.do it rather than allowing them to remain on the hook thinking that everything is okay.

Having a ballsack means saying what you need to say. Not talking in circles, hoping that maybe they will get your drift.

It means taking complete responsibility for something. Out loud. Not in the privacy of your own home when no one can hear you.

It means understanding what having consideration for another person means.

Having a ballsack means that you are the asshole sometimes. But at least you are respected for being honest.

It definitely means that at the end of the day, you are always who you portray yourself to be. Or, at least 99% of the time anyway.

It means that when push comes to shove, you will lay it all out on the line simply because it is the right thing to do.

Furthermore, having a ballsack gives you the courage to know that sometimes, doing the right thing is not always liked by everyone.

Ballsack = Integrity
It also = Honesty
And = Consideration
Maybe a little bit = Asshole

All in all, having a ballsack can mean everything to someone. Even if your ballsack means little or nothing to you.

Just saying.

Would you rather someone lie to spare your feelings or tell you the truth? BE HONEST.
Jay Leno or David Letterman? Why?
What is your favorite song right now?

Tags: ballsack, do the right thing, done and done, integrity, lie

Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s: Subtle-ty

Mar 23, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, I Forgot to Tag, Random, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts and Perceptions, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays, Wicked Wisdoms, bitch

Yeah bitches, I just made up my own word right there. I need to start a Wicked-ictionary.

Anyway.

Welcome to Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s!

Today’s WHtW was inspired by a story told to me today by a co-worker. In re-living this story with Tarable and sharing a “daaaaaaaaaayum that is fucked up” laugh about it … My blog light bulb went off.

Wanna hear it? Here it goes:

Picture standing in line at the grocery store, minding your own business. You are standing behind a young couple, but the observation of them in front of you was simply that. An observation.

Until ….

The couple unloads their basket. The guy nonchalantly drops a box of Magnums on the counter.

(Lets freeze this moment for a second. Have you ever bought any sort of unmentionable at the grocery store? Condoms, lube, monistat … tampons … all of these come paired with just a little bit of a “I hope no one notices that I am buying this” knot in your belly. Some of us try and cover it with another product. Some just throw it in last minute. Whatever. We all have been there. Are you there with me right now? Good.)

So the guy. He drops the condoms. The “My dick is monstrous” condoms. That right there is a statement.

Then the following conversation (if that is what you want to call it) happens:

Girl: “Why do you keep buying these? They always fall off.”

Um. So. Yeah. I was not there but I am pretty sure that THIS is what my face would have looked like if I had:

And then like this:

And lastly like this:

This leads me to the topic at hand: Subtle-ty.

Her saying that would be like him saying something to the effect of “Why didn’t you grab that Vagisil, babe? Your vagina smells and tastes like cheese!” in the line at the grocery store.

You ladies just cringed right there, didn’t you? See!?

It is broads like this that give us women a bad name. Right here. I mean, having a Magnum-worthy penis is rad. Believe me. I know this. But it is like the Michael Phelps of the penis. Not everyone is gonna win Gold medals. Average is average. Shit even ABOVE average.

but there were a couple of ways to handle this situation that would have not stripped this mans balls from his body:

1) A simple whisper. Not a God damn broadcast.

2) Simply saying “I will be right back babe.” And walking the box of manhood detrimental condoms back and getting an appropriate box instead. Maybe ribbed for her pleasure or something.

Subtle-ty. It is important in life. Not just in regard to penis size or manhood. In life in general. Maybe this phenomenon comes with age or maturity or something … but I am just saying. Think about who else might be affected by your thoughtless broadcast of their faults.

Can you think of another situation where subtle-ty might be super important?
What would you do if you were him in that situation?

Tags: condom, magnum, megaphone, monistat, penis, safe sex, subtle, tampon, trojan

Honest Tuesday’s: I Can Do It! … ?

Feb 8, 2010 Honest Tuesday's, I Forgot to Tag, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

Hello and welcome to Honest Tuesday’s. A place to be honest about shit that you would not or can not normally be honest about to anyone in your “real lives” for one reason or another.

Today mine is involved with some self worth … insecurity issues.

Most of you know that I am an aspiring writer. I have written many a poem and eleventy million blogs where some have had a teeny bit of editorial content to them. My biggest accomplishment was last August when I published my book all by myself.

It took me almost 2 years and the death of a new friend to build up the confidence to do that. It wasn’t perfect enough. What if no one likes it? Blah Blah talkmyselfoutofit Blah. But then I just fucking manned up and did it.

And I am so damn happy that I did.

Especially considering the fact that, after countless publishing companies that I have submitted my work to, one finally said yes. YES! A 365 day contract. 1 year. *grin*

My confession on this Honest Tuesday is that I never really thought that I would ever be published. Just like every day when I go to work I have to self talk my way into believing that I can actually make a successful mark at this new job. Just like I have always just kinda flew under the radar of excellence. Not because I am incapable … but because it has always just been easier to be average.

The let down is much less of one in the long run. Or at least in my experience anyway.

I am sure many of you read my blog before back on the space about my most embarrassing moment. Looking back now at who I was … and who I have grown to be … it wasn’t just an embarrassing moment for me. It was a moment that has essentially defined the last 13 years of my life.

For those of you who aren’t in the know … … in a nutshell … …

I spent my entire youth being the best at what I put my effort toward. Make fun of me all you want to but I was a band geek. I spent years in 1st chair in my wind ensemble and in my free time played in symphonies where I was one of 2 or the only flutist in the organization. I won awards and competitions and played many a solo. I was the best of the best.

So when I made the decision to join the Navy, I wanted to continue my journey as a musician in the Navy band. I was required to compose my own piece. As in write it out full score. Then I was to memorize it and play it in front of the judges at the Naval base in Everett.

So I did. I wrote an amazing piece and practiced my ass off. I knew every fucking note as if it was my second language. The day of the audition, my mom came with me. I was ready. Just like every other God damned solo I had ever played in my life. Just like every other God damned audition I had ever aced. I was calm and collected and confident that I would handle business.

I entered the stage area and was faced with 5 decorated officers in a panel in front of me. (Knowing what I know now about military decorations … they are waaaaaaaay more intimidating than they actually are in real life.) Seeing them and being under the spotlight … shook me. I froze. I forgot my piece. I forgot how to fucking play the instrument that I had been playing for 10 years of my life. Meaning, when they allowed me a chance to play what I had written, the notes swam across the page. No longer was it my second language. It was instead a completely foreign language in some dialect that I had never heard before in my life.

I motherfucking blew it.

The reason I say that it was a defining moment of my last 12 years is because looking back on them, I have never really accomplished excellence. I literally have done exactly what I needed to do to remain successful enough. Not overly anything. I just didn’t give a fuck enough about any of it to really push myself. That, and I would rather expect to blow it than think I was gonna nail it and save myself the heartbreak when I did. I always have found myself questioning my excellence. Questioning my self worth. Questioning whether or not I am good enough.

The fact is, average is not me. Because of one stupid moment of weakness, I have made it me to save face in my own little pity party of waaaaaaaaaaah. When instead, I should have known it to be an everything happens for a reason moment and learned from it. As I have approached and entered my 30’s … I have really been working on practicing what I preach. You know, owning my words as if I were my own reader. Taking this new job has really pushed me to work outside of my element as well. It is unacceptable to be average. It is completely unacceptable to fly under the radar. Furthermore, being successful and striving for excellence is so rewarded and recognized that it is stupid to not want to be a part of it.

Never before have I been surrounded by more motivated and inspiring people, which has allowed me to not get discouraged at all of the “No’s” I have received. There is always a “Yes” following somewhere… you just have to push through all of the “No’s” first to get to it.

So instead of asking myself whether or not I think I can do something … I am working on reminding myself that, when I really put my mind to something … I absolutely with no doubt CAN and WILL do it.

Because that is what awesomeness and excellence and success is all about.

Now it is your turn. Get all HONEST up in this bitch. I promise I won’t judge you.

If you could inherit one extraordinary talent in one of the arts … what would the talent be?
Would you rather have an orgasm every 10 years OR every 10 seconds?

Tags: confidence, esteem, flute, navy, solo, success, symphony

Wicked Disorganized.

Feb 2, 2010 DUH, Etc., Honest Tuesday's, I Forgot to Tag, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Random, Wicked Wisdoms

I am so unorganized. But I am not. When it comes to work and school … and blogging … I am overly organized.

At work especially. I am suuuuuuuper organized. I have files and labels and places for everything. My desk stays clean 95% of the time. I cannot function in chaos at work. Same with school. Being that my time is so limited, I really cannot waste any minute on trying to find some shit I need for school.

At home though? Fuck. I could really use some help.

I have bills upon bills upon papers upon random letters and cards and shit that I do not need all over the place. My closet is a hot mess 95% of the time. I swear I go and get it all organized … and the next day it is as if I never even put forth an ounce of effort. My dresser drawers do not have any order what so ever. There are the most random fucking things in every single drawer. I have clothes that I know for a fucking FACT that I will never wear again because they are mostly 200lb clothes and uhm I don’t weigh 200lbs anymore, (YAY) nor will I ever be again because I stay working on my health and fitness. (most of the time anyway.)

Annnnnnnydisorganized…

My linen closet is hilarious. I don’t even know where to begin … and don’t even get me started on the boxes in the coat closet.

I have no idea why this is. I am not the hoarding type, with the exception of paperwork. I am a fucking w e i r d o with a capitol W when it comes to paperwork. Bills, letters, bills, statements, letters, cards, pictures, school shit for me and Xavier… yet there is no system for it. None. Like, if you were to come over and open a random drawer or box, you would find all kinds of shit that was completely unrelated to one another. They might be in a box with like … I dunno … some board games, or VHS movies that I will never watch again but cannot seem to get rid of to save my life.

Fuck. Am I a part-time hoarder? WTF is wrong with me?

No. Nope. Nuuuhuhhh. *shakes head*

I am making a late entry resolution. Not a “New Years Resolution” but more of a life resolution. I am going to take baby steps to get myself organized. First step is to rid myself of shit that I do NOT need. Second? Get a file cabinet with file folders to implement some sort of bill/ppwk filing process in my house. This means that I am going to have to start actually opening them when they come in the mail.

Fuuuuuuck.

I may or may have forgotten to mention that I am notorious for simply tossing a bill that I don’t feel like paying or that I know I cannot afford to pay. Or simply putting it off and saying I will “deal with it later” and then never dealing with shit.

If I am going to ever pay down my debt and fix my credit … I am going to have to stop pretending that my debt isn’t there. Truthfully, I am a great pretender. Not in 2010 though. This is something that I absolutely must do this year and in order to do it, I need to be focused and clear minded and ORGANIZED.

So that is precisely what I will do … tomorrow … heh.

What is your organizational style?
Am I alone with this?

Would you rather … Run your tongue down ten feet of a New York City street or press your tongue into a strangers nostril?

Tags: 2010, bills, debt, disorganized, hoarder, money, organization, resolution

It Started With a Simple Question …

Feb 2, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., I Forgot to Tag, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Sex, Thoughts and Perceptions

… that led to this blog.

Do you ever wonder what other peoples “pee faces” look like? I pee a lot lately, and sometimes I know I make the most ridiculous pee faces ever. Especially when I should have peed like 1 hour prior… so I reeeeeeeeealllyyyy have to pee. It is probably closer to an orgasm face than a pee face.

I am so nosy. I would totally be a fly on the stall wall, observing other people’s pee faces; giggling uncontrollably at them squint, and silently sigh as they finally let it all out.

I don’t want to be a fly on the wall for poo faces. No No No. Grunty faces aren’t interesting to me, especially because the present left after the grunts and groans and poots is stinky. I am not interested in being a part of another woman’s poo funk.

I would also be that proverbial fly on the wall during sex.

All sex. Gay sex, bi-sex, old people sex, group sex…. You wouldn’t really get a true idea of what other people’s sex behaviors are if they knew you were watching.

People fart. Unattractive noises are made sometimes during position change. The moaning is not necessarily as pretty sounding as the little girls on the movies. I would perch my nosy, horny ass on their smoke stained wallpaper and watch them go at it.

I have had people watch D and I have sex… which was weird at first, but now that I think about it…. triple rawwwwrr. Watch me! And while you are at it, touch yourself while you are doing it. Why haven’t you joined in yet? I wanna make you call MY name out.

What?? Too bold??

Porn = a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. These sluts know that a camera is on them, so they absolutely put on a show. That is what they are paid for, right? I am inclined to say that porn doesn’t necessarily turn me off… but it isn’t really what I need to get the mood going. Well, with the exception of more than one girl going at it… and then really, it just makes me more mad than anything—because I really would rather just actually be with more than one girl, rather than watch them have all of the fun.

Wouldn’t you?

Sex makes me curious.

How does sonso give head? What is her secret technique to drive hubby over the edge? Does whatsherface like it in the butt? I wonder if thatonedude likes to really get into eating pussy? Or does he half-ass it? How many times does Ol’girl call out my name when she masturbates? Does she use a toy, or is she fingers only? Would thatonebitch really make out with me, or would she chicken out last minute??

I honestly have had at least one sexual thought about each and every one of you little minxes. I have also pictured myself on top of each and every one of you as well… or were you on top of me???

Anysnatch….

Sometimes, when I masturbate I don’t think about anything. More often than not, I am not me… I am in someone else’s body, with their husband… or with more than one person. Sometimes I am the pleaser… sometimes I just lay there and let my fantasy take over and please me.

I am a toy kind of girl; a no-nonsense, get down to business girl who doesn’t waste anytime sending me to that optimum climax. Sometimes I make myself cum more than once in a session. I have sent myself to that point so many times in one session that I cant even pee or wipe or touch it without a pleasure-filled pain involved.

So yeah. One question in my head led to this blogtastrophe. You are welcome.

Would you rather … Be trapped in an elevator with wet dogs or with three fat men with bad breath?

Tags: masturbate, people, porn, Sex

I am Tired (or) Not too Tired to P-I-M-P.

Jan 20, 2010 I Forgot to Tag

First of all … I wanted to wish D and Carol and Mr. Jacob Good the Happiest of Birthdays.

Or …

Or …

Or even …

And last but not least …

However you like to say it … I wanted to make sure to cover all basis.

And, please go and check out what awesome thing that Lilu is doing for a friend in need. She LovesHarder than anyone I know on the freaking internet other than myself and Numbah1. There is a place to donate some cashola if you are in a place to do so … but if not, well wishes and prayers are always awesome.

Or, you can just click the prettylilbutton:

Speaking of my Numbah1, she has a new column that she writes for. Go show her some love, K!?

I hope you are having a good week so far. I am trying to, but I am off to a rough start.

Got any Jokes? Tell me your best “Yo Mama” joke.

Would you rather: Grow hair everywhere or not grow hair anywhere?

Tags: 50 cent, birthday, love harder, marilyn monroe