Honest Tuesday’s: I Never Keep My Resolutions
Jan 5, 2010 Current Events, Family, Honest Tuesday's, I WIN!, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Wicked Wisdoms, pillow talk
Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place where you can be honest with me about all of the shit you cannot be honest with everyone else!
I was thinking about making a bunch of resolutions like I do every year, but then I realized that I am horrible at keeping mine.
For example:
1999: I am finally going to divorce my loser (first) husband. <-- This didn't happen until *almost* 2001. We were married 3 and 1/2 years but maybe spent 5 months total together.
2001: Lose 30 pounds. <-- I gained 15.
1997: Graduate with a 3.0 GPA. <-- pssh.
2004: Finish my degree in Interior Design. <-- I didn't finish a quarter of Interior Design.
2006: Save $50 a paycheck. <-- Um. No. Living paycheck to paycheck is not something that supports this resolution. Also, I like spending money.
2007: Quit cursing. <-- HA HA HA! That lasted about ... 6 minutes.
2003: Lose 22 pounds to be eligible to join the Coast Guard. <-- I couldn't get a waiver on 5 pounds so I said fuck it. I also really liked my piercings.
2008: Go to the gym every day after work. <-- this lasted about 2 months before my excuses as to why I couldn't go took over.
2009: Publish Submissive Confessions. <-- oh WAIT! I totally did this! Yaayyyyyyyyyyyyy! Go ME!
As you can see, I suck at stick-to-it-iveness. Us Geminis are quite horrible at being all interested in shit for too long ... and shit. We tend to get all stoked about doing something and then are all like ... meh that was soooo 5 minutes ago ... or "what idea? I forgot."
Not this year. I am daring to be different. I am going to keep my resolutions this year. All NONE of them. HA!
I joke.
This year I am going to make a resolution to keep my resolutions. In doing so, I am going to accomplish the following:
1) Make Presidents Club. Oh yeah.
2) Re-learn the flute.
3) Begin the 2nd installment of Submissive Confessions.
4) Reach my goal weight of 155
5) Curse less.
I think I will set myself check ins every 3 months or so. Feel free to check back on yours if you so wish to.
Happy New Year! What were your New Year’s Resolutions?
Tags: divorce, gemini, new years resolutions, Submissive Confessions
I Spy an Ass Whoopin.
Nov 17, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, I WIN!, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show, bitch
Happy Hump Day!
How goes it? What is new?
Life is hectic. I am missing 1/2 of me. He has taken a trip that has left us all kinda in limbo for a 90 day period. Read between the lines. If you know anything about me, you will get it. Furthermore, I am financially fucking strapped. My new job kicks all sorts of ass (i.e. me and Tarable kicking our bosses asses on a consistent basis) but like I have said before, it is slow to start money-wise. Therefore, I am creatively surviving. If you know of any ways to make money (other than selling my pretty vagina which again if you know anything about me I am not necessarily opposed to, given the circumstances) and legitimately please let me know. Thanks.
Moving on.
What is most awesome about my job is the limitless fun we have. Granted, there are a couple of people that I would absolutely LOVE to 1) punch in the face and 2) see get fired or 3) quit but that goes with any job.
Especially MakesHerOwnClothes broad. That bitch has no clue. None. She consistently assumes that I am in fact the motherfucking one when I am actually NOT the one. Like, so not the one that it isnt even funny. She runs around thinking she is so fucking great, when in all honesty, she is so far from great that it is comical.
It took me everything not to fuck her up on Monday. Why do ignorant people get to pull off the dumbest fucking things and GET AWAY WITH IT?!
Example: I am mid conversation when she runs up and elbows me out of the way, INTERRUPTS my conversation only to start a conversation with the person I was having a motherfucking CONVERSATION WITH.
Um. Really?
1) I was in front of the HR office.
2) I need my job.
3) It would be kinda silly to beat her ass in the middle of my place of employment.
Even thought I reeeeeeeeeeeeeally fucking wanted to. Like, R E A L L Y.
/sigh.
It sucks being an adult sometimes. Given my temper. Given my complete and total gangsterness that pumps through my veins on a daily motherfucking basis.
Sometimes. I. Just. Want. To. Freely. Beat. The. Shit. Out. Of. Stupid. Bitches.
She is lucky that I have 2 little baby bird’s mouths to feed. She is also really lucky that I respect my bosses and value their opinions as much as I do. This takes me back to my blog about adulthood and how sometimes it would really be nice to have a free punchabitchintheface card. Or a day a year where you can just punch people freely in the face and have absolutely NO consequences.
Who is with me?
I motherfucking thought so.
Who would YOU like to punch in the face right now?
When is the last time you played the air guitar?
What’s the weirdest thing you have done while driving?
Have you ever called out the wrong name while having sex?
You Just Think That You Are Funny.
Oct 28, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, bitch
Well then.
I guess someone told me, didn’t they?
I am going to do the following things in this blog:
1) Blow a teeny bit of smoke up my own ass.
2) Rant.
Someone said this to me. A person who I don’t speak to. Someone who does not have the repertoire with me to just make a joke like that. So she was seriously saying that she 1) did not think I was funny and 2) that I think that I am funny but that I am really not funny.
Um.
(This is the blowing smoke up my own ass part.)
Actually, I AM really funny. Like, HA HA funny. I pride myself on making jokes and poking fun with the people that I care about. Shit, even people that I don’t really care about. I love to laugh. It makes me feel good when I can make another person chuckle/giggle/snort when they are having a bad day.
I said in return to this unsolicited statement: “Oh I am funny. I know that much is true.” (good one, right?)
(and then the rant.)
For someone who doesn’t even know me to say that all of this time that I have spent confident in my funny demeanor has been just me in my own head … is … fucking offensive and totally uncalled for! Especially given the context of the conversation, the fact that not a single person in it was even acknowledging her presence OR the fact that … really?? No one even asked her.
What I think is funny is that sometimes … more often than not lately … people assume that I am the one. The one who won’t stand up for herself. The one who will just smile and nod and take someone’s shit. The one who will be talked to like she is half of a person.
The one who will get cut off on the motherfucking freeway and NOT pull out my legaltopurchaseatWalmartifIamover18 shotgun and point it directly at their motherfucking faces while still doing 75 on I405.
All I am saying is that I may or may not have pulled my Walmart shotgun out on a bitch for less.
I get that not everyone will like me, that not everyone will always think that I am awesome. Bitch you are the least liked bitch in the establishment. How do you like THEM apples? Huh?! HUH?!?! How about next time though, recognize game? Because what I look like on the outside has no bearing on the venom that comes from within my Wicked little soul.
I will run motherfucking circles around you. While making motherfuckers laugh. SIMULTANEOUSLY.
SAY SUMPIN!
If someone gave you $1,000 and asked you to kill a butterfly by burning it alive in the flame of candle, would you do it?
If a genie granted you 3 wishes, what would you ask for?
Do you watch porn? How would you react if you walked in on your significant other watching porn?
Tags: confrontation, inappropriate, rant, rude, venom, wicked, work
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Oct 22, 2009 All Things X, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show
Happy MFing Friday!
Lets cut the bullshit and jump right into the open letters for the week.
You know the drill: Vent all of your bullshit for the week so you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends.
Dear You,
I am sorry that you hate your wife. It is kinda sad that you do because you are a catch and she is not cute. I still want to see it. You know what I want to see.
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Dear Broad-Who-Makes-Her-Own-Clothes,
Just because there is a pattern for it, doesn’t make it cute.
Just because you think you are cute, doesn’t make it true.
Just because you USED to be a stripper, doesn’t mean that it is appropriate to dress like that in a corporate environment.
Your voice sounds like someone denied you the right to not have sinus issues. You sound like a foreign Fran Drescher.
P.S. YES. I was totally making fun of your throwback hot pink 1994 TLC-esque outfit equipped with suspenders. All you were missing was some condoms.
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Dear Think-You-Are-Slick,
I have one of you. You are not close to cute, and pee essI don’t have any desire to see your cock. I don’t. I just play you to get what I want.
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Dear Vagina,
What is wrong with you? Get in gear. I need you right now more than ever.
————————————————————————————————————-
Dear Kanisha,
I think that you should give it up, I’ve had about enough, it’s not hard to see the boy is mine.
————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Baby Jesus,
You and I are arch enemies. Officially. I told you. I. AM. NOT. THE. ONE.
————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Xavier,
Heh. Keep fucking with me. I dare you. No. I beg you. You think that you are slick. However you continuously get fucking caught. Maybe this time, learn a lesson. Because I am not playing with you about this.
I. Will. Whoop. Your. Ass. Off. Of. Your. Body.
Say I wont.
————————————————————————————————————-
Tarable had a letter too:
Dear Ditching Douchebag,
Really?
My vagina rains diamonds and sings beautiful music when it cums. How dare you ditch me, not once but twice?! Men beat down my door to have a taste of this infamous stalker creating vagina. Like a magic bean-stalk. If you think you are hot enough to get away with some madness like this, you are high.
Oh wait. I think you might already be high.
Regardless of the fact that I want to put it in my mouth, you are not going to win this game.
I win. Period.
I would rather not fuck anyone forever, then let you think that you can ditch me and then fuck me on your convenience. K?
It took all of my stubbornness in the history of tarable horny stubbornness to tell you no to some hotdickinmyvagina from you tonight. But I did it. Because you do not get to ditch me and then still fuck me. K?
How about, come over when you say you will on a consistent basis. What are we 17 again? Act like a man, not a teenage boy.
Furthermore, stop fondling me at work. It is tacky. I am not that bitch. And dont text me about being that bitch either because, just like my best friend Wicked says … I am in fact NOT THE ONE.
———————————————————————————————————-
Without further ado— Our Friday Eye Candy is a double feature.
First up, the beautiful Scarlett Johansson:
Next? Charlize Theron:
When you were in school, did you speak up in class? Did you sit in front or the back?
Do you wear jewelry? What is your favorite type of jewelry to wear?
If you could drive any car for a day, what would it be?
** LAST MINUTE LETTER ***
Dear Chelsea,
Congrat’s mama! You are gonna be a great mommy.
I cannot wait to smell him.
Tags: charlize theron, emplyoment, Friday Eye Candy, scarlett johansson, work
I’m No Punk, Bitch! (i.e. Off One.)
Oct 18, 2009 Friendship, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., bitch
Happy Monday! How was your weekend? Mine was pretty freaking awesome actually.
When I was younger … oh … say 10 years ago … if one would have asked me what the ideal Friday night was, I bet $100 that spending mine snuggled up with my beautiful family would not have ranked top 3 on my list. In fact, a decade ago I would have laughed in your face if you would have predicted that I would be married with 2 kids … I probably would have laughed in your face.
That is how my Friday was spent. Snuggled and warmed.
Saturday though? Not so snuggled. At least, not the evening anyway. For the first time in months, D, Tarable and I were able to get dolled and go hit the town together. I love going out with the 2 of them. There is never any drama, and we are all reaaaaally pretty when we get pretteh-fied.
So that is what we did. Pretty alcohol induced people. Shiny Happy People. With nice tits and a hot black man on our arm. D cleans up really nice I tell you.
We get to the bar and there weren’t many people there. I was kinda stoked because the first bar we went to was so packed that it was stupid. Within 20 minutes, there were so many people in this bar that I couldn’t breathe. It’s cool though. We had a blast. I met a cool cat while watching this dick-fuck bartender serve everyone BUT me who provided really great conversation.
The best 3 things that happened at the bar:
1) As I was leaning on a chair in conversation with the guy mentioned previously, (still waiting for my drink might I add) this dumb cunt slid into the chair that I had claimed as mine over an hour beforehand. Not only did she try to seat jack me, she also thought she was going to get a drink before me.
I would like to quickly mention the fact that this is a prime example of someone assuming that I am the one when in fact I am not.
What do I do?
Me: *taptaptap*on her shoulder “Um. Really?”
Her: “What?”
Me: “This is my seat.”
Her: “How do you figure?”
Me: “Well, consider the facts 1) you are sitting on my purse 2) I have been sitting on it off and on for over an hour and 3) I am leaning on it.
Her: “It didn’t look like you were gonna sit back down.”
Me: “Did you ask me?”
Her: “Ask you what?”
Me: “You said it didnt look like I was gonna sit back down but did you bother to ask me?”
Her: “No. I didnt.”
Me: “Wellllllll if you would have I would have told you that I was going to because it is my chair.”
Her: “Wow. Well how about I give you your chair back and sit in this empty one right next to you.”
Me: “That sounds like a GREAT idea actually. You should sit next to me. Because I am AWESOME.”
The look on her face was priceless. The looks on her friends faces were even better. What has happened to how bitches roll out in public? If that would have been me or one of my bitches who were getting blatantly punked like that in front of folks, I would not have stood for it. The bitches I roll with are prepared to pull nails off, earrings … drop to bare feet so that the stiletto heels are available to use as weapons if need be.
It is a prerequisite of how I roll. I don’t need some weak scaredy cat fucking bitch in my group. This goes directly along with me not being the one.
2) The fucking douchebag that thought it was acceptable to come up behind me and cup my vagina.
Yes you read that correctly. Some fucking drunk asshole came behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist and made his way down to my vagina to cup it. And then didn’t quite understand why 1) I was mad, 2) I shoved the fucking shit out of him after he tried to touch me again and 3) had him physically removed from the bar.
Do I look like the bitch that accepts a strange vagina cupper? With no introduction? With no conversation? What is this world coming to?
3) When I saved my friends ass from another mans ass.
After peeing and powdering my nose like a girly girl does, I come back to my seat where my friend and her husband were keeping them warm.
Him: “Do you see this guy behind me? He is trying to share a seat with me.”
Me: “You dont know this guy?”
Him: “Fuck NO!”
Me: “I got your back friend.”
So I smile at the assclown who obviously has no sense of personal space and shove my pretty ass between his and my friends.
Me: “Oooh. I am SO sorry.”
AssClown: “Are you fucking serious? I am not moving.”
Me: “Thats okay. I will just move you.”
AssClown: “That is doubtful.”
Me: “Ok.”
That is why I moved his ass out of the motherfucking way. He had to ask these 2 bitches to move their seats down so he would have room. *grin*
I WIN!
I won’t mention (or maybe I will) how Tara fell out of the bathroom stall while I was peeing or how I stood on the bar stool trying to get the bartenders attention because he was serving everyone around us but ignored our very existence. I also won’t mention (lies) how Tarable and I were wrestling like drunkards or bum fights and I flipped her ass over the top of me onto the floor and she got mad and pouted about it.
Good times. We were definitely off one all night. It was almost a make up for the fact that I was not invited with enough time to plan for the DC trip this weekend. I may or may not be bitterly butthurt about it still.
New York or California? Why?
Do you collect anything? What?
What was the worst rumor that was ever spread about you?
Would you rather publish your diary or make a movie on your most embarrassing moment?
Tags: bar, drunk, going out, pretty, tarably wicked
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Oct 15, 2009 All Things X, Family, Friday Eye Candy, I WIN!, Parenting, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, You've Got Wicked Mail
Sup Bitches?
I don’t really know what else to say about this week but I will tell you that I am really fucking glad that it is Friday right now.
How about you?
Right. Happy motherfucking weekend. You know the drill. Purge your week in the form of an/many open letter/s so that you can jump in your weekends and enjoy them to the fullest. K? K.
Dear You,
I think that you are funny. Funny like “Really?” funny. I know what you want. I know what I want. So lets just do it already. Whip it out and lemme see it. K? K.
Just saying.
———————————————————————————————————-
Dear Baby Jesus,
Do you hate me? Is it your life mission to hurl individuals at me who have this preconceived notion that I am the fucking one, when in fact I am actually not.
Is it that you are one of these individuals? Do you think that I am the one? Because, Baby Jesus … I am in fact NOT the fucking one. I promise you.
You know who else is not the one? Tarable. I am about to find you, Baby Jesus and beat some sense into your infant sized body if you do not fix this incessant problem with the individuals assuming that I am the one.
———————————————————————————————————–
Dear Friends,
I miss you dearly. Each and every single one of you. Once I figure this out, I will make it up to each of you. I promise.
————————————————————————————————————
Dear Kanisha,
Jax is not yours. I wish that you would just bow out already. He told me 5 minutes ago to tell you that he has had about enough of you harassing me about this wild made up story in your head that you and he have some sort of relationship going on when he and I are obviously in love.
I am sorry. You definitely will receive an invitation to the wedding. You dont even have to bring us a present.
————————————————————————————————————
Dear Xavier,
Really? I mean … really?!
I am unsure who lied and told you that it would ever be appropriate to say “Suck my penis” but it is not. Ever. Like ever. I don’t care who said it first. Like, not even a little bit.
So, I want to allow you an opportunity to pick your soap. Because you are about to eat an entire fucking bar of it.
————————————————————————————————————-
Dear Husband of Mine,
Thank you kindly for that 3AM business. I am so happy that you took my advice and shaved your face because 1) I would have stood firm in my “your hairy fucking face wont go near my vagina stance and 2) I would have unfortunately had to have grown my legs/vag out in protest of the beard you thought was cute.
I know you know I was serious because you shaved.
I win!
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Dear Pedicure,
I fucking love you.
————————————————————————————————————–
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd for the Friday Eye Candy. This one was by request.
Channing Motherfucking Tatum.
Do you talk dirty during sex or are you quiet?
Name something you do when you’re alone that you wouldn’t do in front of others.
As a man, would you rather wake up to find you have grown nonremovable D cup breasts or that your testicles have disappeared?
Randomly Observant.
Oct 12, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, I WIN!, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show
I like to observe people. People observation is a big fat WIN in my book. Annnnnnnnnnd, my new POE has given me much to observe.
Let me tell you … I get to watch …
People interacting with other people.
People interacting with themselves. Yes in that way too. I may or may not enjoy watching masturbation. (No this doesn’t mean that I have watched someone at my new POE masturbate.)
People having (insert air quotes) secret interactions.
People being catty fucking bitches to other people when they think that people aren’t people observing them. (hypothetically speaking)
The best part? That people have no idea when and where I get my observe on. I am that slick. No lie. Ever since I was little, I have had the ability to eavesdrop/people watch unnoticed. Undetected. If we have been in the same general vicinity ever in life I probably have done it to you without even realizing it.
It is like my brain never stops.
For instance: I know that this one broad l o a t h e s this other broad that I know. Like, drinks a big glass of haterade every morning with her name on it. Whenever the one broad isn’t looking, this broad is all kinds of ‘ihateyoubitch’ eyeballing her. And then smiles in her face all cheeky-like.
The funniest thing about this is that the catty broad doesn’t fucking know. What specifically doesn’t she know, you ask?
1) That the other broad is not the one
2) That neither am I
3) That catty-ness is not cool.
4) That if she continues to be a cunt I will most likely tell her about herself.
Also, I am absolutely in the know when a person wants to stick their penis into someones vagina. I thoroughly enjoy watching this kind of interaction between 2 people. It is like watching 2 sticks rub together, trying to make a friction fire.
Not only that but I also know what size the penis is without seeing it. Tarable can cosign. Furthermore, I pretty much picture what every person I meet ’s privates when I see them. That, and them having sex too.
I know right!!!!!? I haz talents.
With that said, I am taking my random ass thoughts to bed with me. I need to rest my head in order to give 150% at work tomorrow. Apparently 110% doesn’t work in this business.
What is your name spelled backward?
What is your favorite pizza topping?
Have you ever ordered something off of an infomercial? If so, what?
Tags: i haz talents, masturbate, paris hilton, penis, people watching, Random, vagina, work
Tipping is Not a City in China…
Sep 21, 2009 All Things Charli, Etc., I WIN!, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Suck It!, bitch
… or something.
I am blog-blocked. I have so damn much going through my head right now that I cannot muster a focused
thought on much. Last night, after the fair my trip to Mexico, (No I am not a bigot or racist, this is simply an observation that I was in fact the minority to a bajillion Spanish speaking individuals in the fairgrounds which I later found out that this was due to some random Spanish country music traditional festival to drag myself and 3 kids out to. How do you say excuse me or pardon me or get the fuck out of my way in Spanish? Seriously I am asking for the next time.) I tried my damndest to write a blog.
Blogwriting FAIL. Instead I fucking played motherfucking Bejeweled. I hate that game. It is like crack. I played for like 2 hours on Saturday and didnt even realize it until I almost peed my pants because I held it THAT long.) This is why I don’t play video games. Or WoW. Or any of that shit that people try and shove remotes up their asses over.
What? You don’t know?
Not that I have ever tried to stick a remote up my butt in a fit of rage … er … what?!
Heartmelting moment #65212340 in my house:
Me: (after walking in the door on my new schedule) “Hi kids!”
X&Charli: “MOMMYMOMMYMOMMY!”
Charli: “Hi mommy, I am SO happy to see you!”
Let me tell you why this is heart warming. That is probably the first or one of the first fully understandable COMPLETE sentences that she has said. My behbeh can talk!
I was thinking that I have some needs that need fulfilled. (Not those needs. I am currently quite content with that need being taken care of.)
1) I need to write my name REALLY BIG in the sand and then climb up and take a picture of it.
2) I need to finish my back tattoo and get another one.
3) I need to make my first sale.
4) I need to have my way with Charlie Hunnam. And when I say “have my way with” I mean fuck his face off and then refuck it back on so that I can fuck it off again.
Also, my old landlord can 1) SUCK IT! 2) Eat my shorts and 3) GET SOME! He tried to serve me papers all ghetto styles and filled the paperwork out incorrectly so the judge dismissed his case. It didn’t help that he broke the law and failed to mail me a breakdown of his CLAIM of $1400 in damages within 14 days of my vacancy. Bitch whaaaaaaaaa?
Essentially, I win and you sir are a motherfucking luh-hoo-suh-her.
I watched Sunshine Cleaning this weekend. I really liked it. It was funny, quirky, made me mad and also grossed me the fuck out all in one movie. It was nothing that I expected. I like that in a movie. I also watched Bedtime Stories with the kids. Adam Sandler rules. I happen to think it was one of his best movies. Very cute and creative.
Anyway, I have stuff and things to tell you but I need to get it all out first so I can figure out what I do and definitely do NOT feel like sharing. 
(you know I am kidding. I share it all.)
What is new in the world of you?
If you could ask me one question, and I was guaranteed to answer it, what would you ask me?
If you could be any trinket or knick knack, what would you be and where would you be placed for all the world to see?
Tags: adam sandler, bedtime stories, bejeweled, Mexico, sunshine cleaning, video games, world of warcraft, WoW
Just Be a Kid
Aug 31, 2009 Current Events, Etc., Friendship, I WIN!, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Plunges, Random, Thoughts and Perceptions
I hate feeling uneasy. It seems as I get older, things physically affect me more than they used to. I used to just be all like “FUCK YOUR FACE!” and move on. Never ever looking back in a bitches general direction.
This got me talking to my good friend Heather. We were talking about how when we were younger, life was so much less stressful. How it would be so nice to just be a kid again. To fully enjoy summers out of school. To have these (sometimes) day long crushes and feel as if your world would stop right there if that crush brushed past you in the halls at school.
I think that it would be healthy to just be a kid every once in awhile. Once a month maybe? One day a month where there are no conference calls or online bill payments due. No grocery shopping. Not a single towel folded. Eating PB&J’s with cut up apples or maybe a box of raisins. Or, if it is cold … grilled cheese and soup, and you know that there absolutely NEEDS to be some slurping when it is being eaten.
Milk mustaches are a MUST on this day.
When I am just a kid, on MY specified day… I am going to do a plethora of things. (Maybe not all on one day… but at least SOME of them)
- Fingerpaint. AND I am going to get some on the table.
- Ask random people why multiple times about multiple things.
- Eat the biggest ice cream cone for breakfast, and get it ALL over my face.
- Spend all day at the park. Swinging and sliding and playing tag with the other kids.
- Color outside of the lines.
- SING. I am gonna sing as loud as I can and, because I am a kid for that day … I am not gonna care who hears. Because I sound good to ME.
- Not match my clothes.
- Hopscotch.
- Jump into the balls at McDonalds. AFTER MY MCNUGGET HAPPY MEAL. (bitch dont touch my toy while I’m gone either.)
- Double dutch.
- Dance the shit out of some Kids Bop. Heh. (I just wanted to say Kids Bop)
- Get in for free or discounted at the following places: Zoo, Fair, Aquarium, Movies, FunPlex
- Eat free @ all the “Kids Eat Free” places.
- Play dress up. And makeup.
- Write notes to my friends. With check boxes and everything.
- Play M.A.S.H.
- Have sleepovers.
- Lick the spoon. (shit I may or may not already fucking do this.)
- Giggle. Uncontrollably. (The kid giggle)
Are you interested in being a kid for a day? One day a month?
What would YOU do if you were a kid for a day?
Tags: giggle, got milk, ice cream, kid, mash, park, play, sleepover
Super Slueth’s … Friday Eye Candy … Etc.
Aug 27, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., Friday Eye Candy, I WIN!, Random, The Tarably Wicked Show
Dude. Today is the blogiversary of PQNation.
I know, right?!
1 year ago today, we hopped in this theoretical RV and embarked on a pretty kick ass journey. We have stopped along the way, picked up hitchhikers, stranded damsels in distress, and even a red-headed step-child or 2.
We have been there, done that … and have worn the motherfucking t-shirt the hell out.
I am proud to be one of the bloggers/writers/decision makers on this wonderful website. I am proud to read about the lives of all of my other PQNation lady friends. (And soon to be a couple PENIS PROVIDERS…. But you didn’t hear that from me.) If you haven’t found your way to their blogs in the time that you have been reading me, then look to your left and start clicking.
Speaking of clicking … you need to click this pic below and go see the PQNation Blogiversary Roast. It is fucking hilar. (But come back though, K? I have stuffs below it.)
Moving right along.
So the other night, Tarable and Charli-bear and I embarked on a new adventure with Tarable’s old friend and my new friend. We will call her D2. (Not like R2-D2. Like Dsquared) D2 needed us (me really because Tarable is hated by most) to serve her non-child-support-paying-douchebag fucking ex-husband court papers.
You know, the ones that say “If you dont show up for court, we are gonna throw your ass in jail you motherfucking deadbeat?” Yeah. Those ones. When she called and asked… I was like “Psh. HELL YEAH I WILL.”
So we drive almost an hour out of bounds. D2 has mapquest (sucks) directions printed. We drop D2 and Charli-bear off at McDonalds because well, lets be honest. I bribe my child with french fries. After dropping them off, Tarable and I set out on a mission to serve these mofo’n papers.
Attempt 1: We end up on a dead end gravel road out in bum-fuck-farmland somewhere. Like, straight out of a motherfucking horror movie. I don’t see an address on the double-wide so I just assume that it is the house. I walk up, pounding on the door. A younger man, in his late 20’s early 30’s comes around the front, looking at me crazy like.
Me: “Hey! Douchebag, right?!”
Him: “Uh… No… What address are you looking for?”
(Tarables blind ass is trying to see if it is him all inconspicuous like)
Me: “So.. … you aren’t Douchebag?”
Him: “No. I think you have the wrong house.”
(Tarable vehemently shaking her head that it wasnt him)
Me: “Uh, okay sorry to bother you.”
Him: “Good luck!”
Attempt 2:
Me: “I think this is the street. Nooooo. That isn’t it. WAIT YES IT IS THIS IS THE STREET!”
Tarable: (slamming on brakes, hitting reverse) “Jesus.”
Me: “Sorry. I cant fucking see.”
Tarable: “You are wearing your GLASSES.”
Me: “At least I have a pair. Blind ass.”
Tarable: “Shut up and look for the address. I cant fucking see the numbers.”
Me: “Really?”
So we drive up and down this one street because THAT WAS THE STREET THAT GOOGLE MAPS (sucks) TOLD US THE ADDRESS WAS ON like 14 times. These 2 busybody ladies were staaaring at us… and I am pretty sure they thought we were going to do a drive by (because we really ARE that gangster) and called the police.
Or not. Whatever. No address even came close.
We drove for almost 2 hours trying to find this address. 3 different search engines came with 3 different and totally out of the way from each other locations. So, defeated we go back to McDonalds and grab D2 and Charli-bear. D2 had called her other half, and he had gotten the goods on how to get to the hidden residence via Google EARTH (not sucks).
(Insert Mission Impossible theme music)
So we go. Anticipation is rising. Adrenaline is pumping. We make another 25753543.6 wrong turns in the meantime… and then we found it. WE FUCKING FOUND IT.
I grab the papers. Tarable and I scramble out of the car (my ass was numb at this point… not gonna lie) and as we get up to the house, we notice that … there isnt a motherfucking light on. They were sleeping. Best day ever right there.
Heh. Your welcome for this right here.
Anyway. Now that is stuck in your head. I go to the door:
Me: “They are sleeping.”
Tarable: “Fuck them. Pound on the door like the po po’s”
Me: (ring doorbell. pound on door. ring doorbell. pound on door.) “Move that scooter out of the walkway. I am not trying to serve papers all gangster-like and then trip and fall on my face.”
Tarable: “That is a for real FML”
Me: (Ring doorbell. pound on door. ring doorbell. pound on door) “Fuck. What if they don’t wake up?”
Tarable: “Keep knocking.”
Me: (Ring doorbell. pound on door. ring doorbell. pound on door.) DOG BARKS. “Yeahhhhhhh. That is it right there.”
Tarable: “Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah buddy.”
Door opens.
Me: (all perky like) “HI! Are you Douchebag’s Girlfriend?”
DBG: (sleeping still) “Uhh yes…”
Me: “Sweet, well … you can give these papers to Douchebag because he has been SERVED!”
DBG: (awake as FUCK now) “Uhhh.. okay”
Insert me and Tarable running. (yeah I know. Totally gangster.)
Now accepting applications for people’s papers I can serve. Prices vary. That shit ruled.
And, in honor of our blogiversary… and just for Ms. DCPrincess herself *cough*sheisobsessed*cough*… I would like to make Zachary Quinto this weeks Friday Eye Candy.
Woot. Have a great weekend! (and JUST because I didnt do my own YGWM, doesnt mean the floor is closed. Friday is ALWAYS open for your ranty fucking letters. Get it out people!)
PS: Mr. Franco Beans is also having a blogiversary. Love him. Cause I said.
Tags: blogiversary, comedy central, FML, google maps, heroes, mapquest, pqnation.com, roast, you got served, zachary quinto
