Archive for the ‘Friday Eye Candy’ Category

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Mar 4, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, Ranteriffic, Relationships, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch

OMG I am so happy that it is Friday.

You know the drill. Purge your weeks in open letter forum so that you can fully enjoy your weekends.

Dear D,

Okay.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Zac,

Remember when I performed “Sideways” as if I were E-40?

Heh.

When “It Aint No Fun” is performed, I am going to perform it as if it were my song that I wrote. Word for word. Annunciation for Annunciation.

Prepare to be impressed.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear D,

My vagina officially has a password on it. Might wanna start looking or new porn because after 3 failed attempts, you are locked out indefinitely. i.e. fuck off you sneaky sonofabitch.

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Dear Tomorrow,

I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED. Like if excited had a password, it would be “SNOOP”. If Snoop had a password it would be “MY TITS IN YOUR FACE”

You cannot come quick enough.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Tarable,

Be careful what you wish for.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear D,

For someone who is trying to not be that guy, you are really being that guy.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Vagina,

You need your cobwebs swept.

Love, Kim

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Dear Mom,

Why don’t you call the firing squad in Oregon to get your irresponsible son on the phone. I am not his fucking keeper. I am sorry that he is avoiding you; I did what I could. Stop calling me eleventy million times every day about it. I did my part.

I love you but gaaaaaaaaah geoufmyface.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear You,

Kick rocks to Panama City and then do something with this:

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear PL,

Dont front like you want this when you really cannot handle it.

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Dear IamgladInevermetyou,

You are a horrible, selfish, 2faced, childish human being. You have zero idea what friendship is or what it even means. I am so glad I never met you.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Life,

Why are you so complicated?

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Fat,

Fuck off and fall off.

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Dear Self,

You did it! Now all you need to do is work on repeating it every month. You aren’t gonna be the one with the fluke one time success. You have to apply that success to everything that you do.

Next stop — Hawaii!

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Dear Fake Bitch,

I know what you think of me. I know that you are jealous. The problem is that it is all you. You are jealous because you are jealous … not because I ever did anything to you. I have just been myself and tried extremely hard to form some kind of commonality with you. I cannot help it if you are an insecure person. I cannot help it if you struggle with yourself and your own success/happiness.

What you need to do is stop blaming the world for your own shortcomings.

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Now for some much needed eye candy:

British Rugby star Jonny Wilkinson

Annnnnnnnnd the beautiful Monica Bellucci…

Your turn. Let it out. You know you wanna.

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YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Feb 25, 2010 All Things Charli, All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail

Happy Friday!!!!!!!!

You know the drill … purge your week out here in open letter form so you can go thoroughly enjoy your weekend!

Dear Sex,

I love you. I missed you.

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Charli,

I am so proud of you for potty-ing, even though you really are fighting it. You are growing up so fast, and as much as I want you to stay my little baby bear Charli face … it is a necessary evil.

I love you.

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Self,

See!? You pulled it off! You walk in the door every day and fight with your own self about having the ability to pull a big deal off, and you fucking killed it.

42K? Really!? That is insane and motherfucking awesome. Now just remember that you can on every call and they will buy something. Because they will.

Stop being your own worst enemy. Knock it the hell off.

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear You,

I hate your face. I really really do.

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Friends,

You rocked my world last weekend. Like, ROCKED it. I will never ever forget that. Thanks for being such amazing people. I am constantly floored at the fact that so many people in my life are so god damned amazing. It is something that was sparse for a long long time, and to be surrounded by so many great people is awe inspiring.

I love you all. EXCEPT FOR YOU.

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Dear D,

I am so proud of you for coming home and rocking it. You are a great dad and you are the glue that holds our entire household together. I wish you were more aware of it.

We are gonna tackle the obstacles in front of us. Alllllllllll of them. And in the end, our family will be that much stronger than before.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Xavier,

Please please please get it together. I just want to love you. I just want to spend time with you. I miss my good little man so much that it hurts my heart to have this dynamic with you.

If you think that this is what I want our relationship to be you are high.

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Dear Mom and Dad,

You 2 are my hero’s. I love you so much.

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Verizon Employee Bitch,

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you.

You obviously do not have a clue. You must think that 1) I am the fucking ONE (which I am not) 2) that you are soooooooooooo fucking collections smart (which you arent) and 3) that I am not going to get over on your fucking stupid scripted ass.

I know all of the tricks. ALL OF THEM. I bet I get my way.

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Dear Collectors,

Watch when you call my phone and the VM is now for Alicia. Alicia = I will pay you when I have the money so stop motherfucking calling me 234645768654756098-=754 times a day.

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Dear Motivation and Will Power,

You need to get it together. You have come this far to not fuck it all up and gain some weight back. 15 pounds to go. THAT IS IT. Just handle biz and fucking own the final stretch.

=================================================================================================

And for some eye candy… Julian McMahon …

Annnnnnnnnd … Salma Hayek

Your turn. Do it.

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YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Feb 19, 2010 All Things X, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Ranteriffic, You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch

Yo! Yo! Yo! It is that time again! Purge your week’s in open letter format so that you can go and enjoy your weekend!!!

Dear Sex,

2 more days and you will be mine.

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Dear Bitch,

If I could tell you about yourself and have it make a difference… I would. You are the most evasive, non confrontational bitch I have ever met. I am glad I am not your friend because it would be a waste.

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Dear OTHER Bitch,

Really? Now? You just pop back in all nonchalant like? It doesnt work that way. Sorry. There is a lot of proving to do in order for there to be any sort of relationship.

Now is the time to grow up and stop being so motherfucking selfish and self absorbed.

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Dear Tarable,

Thank you for being my best friend. You make me smile and I know that we are life partners. I love you.

—————————————————————————————————————-

Dear You,

What is YOUR fucking excuse? God you drive me fucking crazy.

—————————————————————————————————————-

Dear New Guy,

It felt amazing jacking you for your scrilla. Don’t leave money on the table in this department because you will get smashed like Danger smashed the homie.

I take great pleasure in it and will continue to make your life a silent treatment side comment to your face living hell until you crack like the little bitch that you are.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Girls Trip,

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Dear Xavier,

I am trying to understand your logic. I am trying to get how you continuously lie and avoid responsibility and pull the most random and inappropriate shit on a regular basis.

I am trying to love you.

I am trying to pull our little family together … and every time I do … you are fucking up to the point where I cannot even stand the sight of your face.

What am I missing here? What haven’t I taught you? Why would you rather be in trouble than be a positive contributor to this family? I miss you so fucking much that it hurts but I refuse to reward your behavior time and time again.

You do not have to act like this. I am going to give you good attention if you will just knock it the fuck off and let me do it.

Please. Please stop this behavior.

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And for some Friday Eye Candy!

Hayden Christensen..

Ms. Kat Von D…

Alright … your turn. Let it go. Get it out. Tell a bitch allllllllll about themselves!!!

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YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Feb 12, 2010 All Things Charli, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Random, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail

Happy Motherfucking Friday! I am ready for the weeeeeeeeeeeeekend. How about you?

Alright folks. You know what time it is… Purge your weeks in open letter format so you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekend!!!!!!!

Dear Hallmark Holiday,

Thank you for letting me be alone on yet again another stupid holiday surrounded by all the couples with their stupid coupleness.

I get that I am a fuck up this year. But really, 5 years in a row? What did I ever do to you?

I might as well buy 19 cats and a Costo case of frosting and a pair of elastic wasted poly-cotton blend pants that are too short so it looks like I am waiting for a flood while wearing some crocks.

Put me on the people of walmart website or out of my misery.

Love Tarable

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Dear TaraJean,

I know that technically you are alone for this stupid Hallmark holiday … but you are surrounded by 4 people who love the shit out of you. So really, you have 4 Valentines instead of none.

We love you.

The Georges
———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear You,

Hmmmmm….

———————————————————————————————————————————-
Dear PuttingByMyDesk,

Find a new fucking isle.

I am not trying to be Debbie Downer or anything but GEOUFHERE.

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear PS3

I am sorry that we don’t spend that much QT together.

Love, D

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Dear Negative Ass, GHETTO, Crotchety High Maintenance MotherFucking Owners,

You and I both know that the reason you have a motherfucking attitude problem when I call you is because your broke as a joke asses cannot afford the dream picture that I EXCITEDLY paint for you on a daily motherfucking basis.

Dont be mad at me because you live in a double wide that is rotting from the outside and when you go to our LUXURIOUS MOTHERFUCKING CONDOS you are reminded of the trashyness that you possess.

GET A MOTHERFUCKING ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT AND BUY SOME MOTHERFUCKING CREDITS SO I CAN RING THE BELLLLLLLLLLL.

K?

Love Wicked.

————————————————————————————————————————————

Dear New NameDropping Bitch,

No one cares who you know. No one cares that you drive a Lexus. No one cares that you have a heritage. No one cares how much sales experience you have. No one cares about your ugly ass fake ass clip on hair thing that you bought from the kiosk in Alderwood. No one cares. No one.

I dont know who the fuck you think you are being the new bitch telling your bosses that you are bored and that you are gonna go home. Furthermore, we go to lunch for FOURTY FIVE MINUTES … not an hour and FOURTY FIVE MINUTES.

Your shit smells just like the rest of ours.

K?

TarablyWicked

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Dear NewFuck,

You are a piece of motherfucking work. I promise you that if anyone is above the rules in this department … it for sure is not you. You don’t know people. WE KNOW PEOPLE. So your over explitave, brown nosing, hat wearing, think you know the inside joke of all inside jokes motherfucking ass needs to check yourself. Because there was a before you … and there will be an after you.

Bet that.

TarablyWicked

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Dear Dr,

Thank you for confirming that I am not as fat as I was. It is now official that I am 36 pounds lighter. However, fuck you and your scraping. It was not comfortable or fun or awesome. In fact it was the exact opposite of awesome.

Furthermore, I will thank you for telling me that I didn’t have to come back for 3 whole years. It ALMOST made the scraping worth it. Almost.

Also, thanks for the comedy while molesting my boobs.

Love TarablyWicked

—————————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Mya,

I wanna say sorry and that you are my best friend.

Love Charli

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Dear D,

You have been motherfucking OFF ONE. I think that I know why. It is because you have little to no contact with adults.

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Dear Pedicures and Haircuts,

THANK MOTHERFUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Dear Exercise,

I am working you back in. I didn’t forget about you. Not one bit. I really really really miss you.

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Charli,

Use the potty. Thanks.

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And now for some Eye Candy…

Dwayne Johnson ….

Annnnnnnnnd Alicia Keys.

Alright folks… let it out. You know you have at least one fucker to vent about open letter styles.

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YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Feb 4, 2010 All Things Charli, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Friday Eye Candy, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, Yum... or Lack There Of.

Hello and welcome. Happy motherfucking FRIDAY to you all!

Blind yet? Heh.

Alright. Let’s get on with the open lettering.

Dear IDIOTS,

Idiot #1: You are so fucking stupid. I feel sorry for your kids who have to grow up in an idiot filled environment. Because of you, there is now a clan of idiots roaming the state of Oregon freely and idiotically.

Idiot #2: You are totally unaware of the level of idiot you possess. To have to be near you on a regular basis is fucking paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaainful.

Idiot #3: Really?! Lies? All of them? No one feels sorry for you anymore. In fact, it is the opposite. What happens after, is going to be well deserved for all of the lying.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Everyone,

I don’t give a fuck about the following:

1) The Olympics
2) Your issues.
3) Lost
4) Twilight
5) Avatar

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Dear Sickness in my Throat and Sinuses and Ears and Bodyaches,

FUCK THE FUCK OFF. I am not submitting to your nastiness. I refuse. GET OUT OF MY AREA.

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Dear Self,

You need to stop letting your own doubt prevent you from success. What are you so god damned scared of? What do you have to lose? Just ASK for it. The very worst that can happen is that the answer is no.

Stop giving yourself roadblocks. It is unnecessary stress that you do not need.

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Dear Charli,

Please leave me to sleep alone for like 3 nights a week. That is all I am asking. I love you to death but seriously?! I would like some sleep without you in my personal space. I am over your feet in my back. I am over your face in my face. You are a kicker and a bed hog and I would really like a night of sleep in peace.

I am | | <--- this close to begging for it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Writers Block,

Seriously? Get the fuck out of my life. I have the ability to write an entire manuscript of poetry and another SC, which is what everyone is waiting for ... but when it comes down to actually putting content on paper, you are there ... COCKBLOCKING my creativity.

FUCK YOU. FUCK OFF AND DIE.

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Dear You,

Blah. Why is it that half the time I hate you and the other half I dont?

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Dear Tarable,

I am glad you are being an adult. I am proud of you and I love you and I am here for you always.

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Dear Sunshine,

I miss you. Can we catsup soon?

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Dear Inner Fat Girl,

If I could reach inside of myself and stab you to death I would. You are counterproductive to my goals.

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And now for some Friday Eye Candy... Thanks to Cass's recommendation I present Mr. Taye Diggs!

Annnnnd … Ms. Cameron Diaz :)

There you have it folks. You know the drill … purge your weeks in open letter form, so you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekend!

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YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Jan 28, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch

Hello! Happy Friday! Without further ado, I shall open the floor for some much needed open letters.

Dear New Guy,

If you keep that attitude up, I promise you won’t last. When a person says hello to you, it might behoove you to fucking acknowledge them. Especially being that you are the new guy. The rookie. The green one. I don’t know and really don’t care if you worked here before or know someone who works here. We are family on this team. Find the place in it where you fit or get the fuck on.

Word?

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Dear Fucking Douchebag,

I am beyond disgusted with what you did to my friend. I am almost positive that I have never known of a more fucked up situation where a supposed friend takes complete advantage in a time of grief. You are going straight to motherfucking hell for this.

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Charli,

I had a crappy day and making silly faces with you made me feel so much better.

I love you.

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Courtni,

You need to get it together. Seriously. This lack of confidence is fucking bullshit and furthermore, it isn’t YOU to not have any. What is wrong with you? Figure it the fuck out already before I slap the shit out of you.

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Arch Enemy,

Everywhere I go, I am convinced we will meet face to face again. Then the communication between yours and mine on a more frequent basis nails yet another in the coffin of what is going to happen.

This time though, there will be no bitch moves. Nope. What is going to happen is that you are going to get yours for the fakeness that you are. Your fake happy little life is about to get revealed. I cannot wait to clown you.

And, once and for all you will be put in your fucking stupid fake place.

Know that.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Henrysan,

You are hands down the sweetest guy I know. I can’t wait til I am able to spoil you a lil bit like you spoil your friends.

Thanks for being such a great friend to me. I don’t think I tell you enough.

Oh and PeeEss: OPEN EYE! ;)

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear You,

God you are such a moody baby sometimes.

———————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Fat Girl,

Stop taking over my normal thought process. I DO NOT WANT A CHEESEBURGER. K?

Wicked
———————————————————————————————————————–
Dear D,

I am so appreciative of you. I hope you know it.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear X,

Please keep up the effort. I know you aren’t perfect … but I am happy to have had no calls from the principal in a week. I love you no matter what but I like you that much more when you aren’t in trouble.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Now … for the Eye Candy

Jensen Ackles. Who IS this guy? I just started looking for hotties because I am out of ideas and NO ONE HAS SUGGESTED ANY (hinthint) and he popped up. Yum.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Mila Kunis. I <3 her.

Alright ladies and gentleman … you know the drill!

Purge your weeks frustrations in the form of open letters so that you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekends!

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YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Jan 22, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., Family, Friday Eye Candy, P.O.E. Biz, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail

WAZZZZZZZZUP!!!!!!!!!!! TGIMFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No bullshit, I am 1) Glad that it is Friday. 2) Glad that it is the weekend. 3) Glad that it is Open Letter FUCKING FRIDAY!

Dear New Piercing(s),

Fucking HEAL already.

Love Tarable & Wicked

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear D,

Bllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (breath) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (breath)
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Fine. Fucking fine. FINE.

Courtni.

———————————————————————————————————————

Dear Stupid Boy,

You are fucking STUPID. I just wanted to you to know.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear JWow and Snook’s,

We are your West Coast soul sistahs. We would beat any bitches ass or even a dudes if he pressed the right buttons. It is like the East and West ATeam. Or really the Bteam. B= Bitches.

Yeeeeah.

Tarably Wicked.

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Dear Jamie,

If the open letter isn’t signed … then I wrote it.

Love Wicked.

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Tarable,

I gotcho back. Always.

Love, Your Bestie

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Jersey Shore,

Why are you so addicting?!

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear You,

I appreciate you. Love you, mean it. ;)

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Emotions,

Why? Why do you have to come out at the most inopportune time? Why do you have tear ducts? Like at work when you are looking at yourself in the mirror … or when you are talking to your bestie and she realizes that you are crying and she asks you as you are crying and when she asks you, you cry harder? Why ruin your makeup? Why?

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Friday’s,

We have 60 of you that are just to ourselves. We vow to do really awesome stuff together and without boys or kids or drama filled people. Just us. A bestfrienddate.

Love TarablyWicked

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear 2/12,

You have been scheduled as our bestfriendvalentinesdayfridaydate. We are gonna kick it and get drunk and watch a funny movie. The end of that.

TarablyWicked

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Snookin for Love,

Really?!

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Credits,

Fucking get bought. K?!

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Self,

You are good enough. You are going to be successful. You will make President’s Club. Why? Because. You are not average. You work your ass off everyday. You are TRYING.

It will will will will will will pay off.

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Charli,

GET OUT OF MY PERSONAL SPACE.

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Carbs,

Fuck the hell offfffffffffffffff. FUCK OFF.

TarablyWicked

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Old Man,

I get that you are grumpy because you haven’t eaten dinner. I bet your dinner involves complex carbohydrates. Guess what?! Mine doesn’t and I am just as cranky if not more.

Fuck you stupid owner david.

Tarable.

————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Ken Adams,

Fuck. Seriously, the thin line is getting thinner by the moment.

Regina Philange
————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Hungry,

We legitimately hate you.

TarablyWicked

————————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Girls Trip,

Its GONNA HAPPEN.

————————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Courtni,

You need to make a decision for yourself for once. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. You can never say that you didn’t try.

————————————————————————————————————————–

And for some FRIDAY EYE CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!

First… Gerard Butler … YUMMMMMMM.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Minka Kelly ….

Now you go. Purge your weekend so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends!

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YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Jan 14, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch, love

Happy Friday!

You know the drill … come here, purge your bullshit so that you can enjoy the weekend.

Dear You,

Thank you so very much for knocking it the fuck off. You are much more pleasant to be around when you are not being a fucking baby.

————————————————————————————————————–

Dear D’s Penis,

Thank you for the meeting. I forgot that you even existed. Shit, I forgot that I even existed.

Love, Wicked’s Vagina

—————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Bank Account,

I am really sorry. It is not my fault that you are overdrawn. Soon this will all be resolved and we wont be poor.

Wicked

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D,

I am so so so so so happy you are home. In the past week, you have made such an impact in the house. We all appreciate every single thing that you do for us. I missed you more than you will probably ever know.

PeeEss … thanks for the sex.

——————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Miley Cyrus,

I am pretty sure none of us believe that you are even close to a virgin. You are going straight to hell for lying about your aforementioned faux-ginity to you millions maybe even billions of fans.

Just admit that you have had some of the cahck.

P.S. If I hear you “singing” that “bumpin jay-z” song one more mother fucking time I may have a credit melt down. You suck.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Baby Jesus,

There are several reasons why we need to have a conversation.

1) I am not the one.

2) Virginity movement?! Really?

3) Keep it pushin.

———————————————————————————————————————

Dear Tara,

Where did your wit go?!

Love Tarable.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear D,

Thank fucking sweet baby jesus that you are home.

Love, Tarable.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Haiti,

I wish that I could swoop in and give you all of the food in the world. All of the food and water and money to fix it. But I don’t have it. My heart goes out to all of you and all of the families who lost someone.

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Porn Movies,

Shut up. No one wants to hear you talk. We just want to see the sex. All of the sex. We don’t care about the plot or the story line or the climax … that is … unless the climax consists of a dude climaxing on a bitches face.

K?

—————————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Boyfriend,

I hope you have a fantastic time. I will miss you. Be safe. Look at all the boobs you can but reserve it for me.

Love Tarable

Pee Ess. We are having the sex when you get home. Like put it in my mouth.

——————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Mike O and Boyfriend,

You motor boatin’ sons of bitches.

Love Tarable

——————————————————————————————————————————

Dear D,

Did I mention, thank fucking GOD you are home!?!?

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear New Bitch,

I am SO FUCKING GLAD YOU ARE NOT HERE ANYMORE.

BYE BITCH BYE!

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Ken Adams,

Heh.

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Cari and Jim,

Congrats on the news that you are having a BOY!!!!!!! Baby Bush is more lucky than he knows to have such awesome people as parents.

——————————————————————————————————————————

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd for some CLASSIC eye candy!

Denzel Washington

Annnnnnnnnnd… Julia Roberts

As always … Friday Eye Candy suggestions are needed. :)

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YGWM & Friday Eye Candy (or) 3 days.

Jan 8, 2010 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, You've Got Wicked Mail

Well hello there! Welcome to the first YGWM of 2010. It has been a couple of weeks huh?

Miss me?! Whatever.

You know the drill. Purge your week (s) so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekend.

Dear You.

You are a fucking big pouty baby. Knock it off.

Me

———————————————————————————————————–

Dear Mommy,

This is a letter requesting for you to whoop my ass. I would like for you to whoop my ass for the following reasons:

1) For that time I called and pretended to be a kidnapper on the voicemail.
2) For not listening to 3/4 of the things you say to me.
3) For telling half truths.
4) For not doing my chores OR half assing my chores. (i.e. no food in the cat bowl today. or the dirty toilet. or the recycle being left for days on the street.)
5) For fucking with Charli on purpose and then acting like I didnt do anything with a stupid fucking look on my face.
6) For watching American Pie when I knew I wasn’t supposed to.

Please whoop my ass! I am begging you.

Xavier

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Dear D,

Please for the love of God, take a shower and then put it in my mouth in 3 days.

It will benefit everybody.

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Dear Cheeseburger,

(s) Yep. I had 2 of you and I loved every single salivating bite. I chewed each bite approximately 22 times to really taste you in my mouth.

I don’t care if it is me being unfaithful to my phase 1 diet. It was worth it. YOU were worth it.

TarablyWicked

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Dear Lucky Jeans Sales Guy,

I fucking adored your face. Especially when you made me try on size TWENTY NINE even despite my own inner fatty arguing over it. And then, when the size TWENTY NINE fit me, I honestly wanted to hug your fucking face off.

You were the best sales guy ever, giving awesome recommendations when needed without being fucking aggravating and in my face.

Also, a size TWENTY NINE!? That is fucking rad. If it wasnt for you, I would have never even tried them on.

You rule.

Wicked
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Dear Mom

You will be trivial. It could go one way or the other. I don’t want to but I have to. I am gonna take one for the team.

But if you sit at that slot machine at that slot machine like a test lab mouse pushing it for crack, I will leave and find my own fun.

Happy Birthday,

Tara Monique

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Dear Romo,

Don’t fucking blow it. You are my last hope other than the Vikings which I am grandfathered into being a fan of at this point. At least it is for a good reason.

Tarable
—————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Red Jeep,

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. I am so fucking sick of your endless fucking problems and your endless drama that I could literally cry.

I cannot wait until I don’t have to drive you anymore. You are the biggest piece of shit ever.

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Jersey Shore,

Why are you such a trainwreck?
Why do I love you so much?

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Jackson,

What in the fuck is wrong with you? Get out of my face, off of my table and out of my house.

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear D,

I am excited for you to come home for the following reasons:

1) To put your face in my vagina.
2) To put your dick in my vagina.
3) To put your dick in my mouth.
4) To put the christmas tree away.
5) To deal with Xavier.
6) To sleep in the bed with me.
7) To have a conversation and not be on a time limit.
8) To sleep in on the weekends. I just want to sleep.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Hickey on my boob,

I don’t know where you came from or how you got there, but please go away.

Love, Boobs.

———————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Paycheck,

Really?!

TarablyWicked

———————————————————————————————————————————

Dear D,

I am happy for you to come home for the following reasons:

1) Courtni & I will no longer be at each others throats … well not daily and multiple times in a day anyway.
2) She will finally take a fucking joke. Because right now, to her, I am talking in literal form. All day.
3) It is like I have no personality and I am not funny. You and I both know this is not true.
4) She will finally not be mad at me for getting some. Because she will be getting lots of somes. Thank god.
5) I will finally have someone else telling me about myself. Because I am honestly done with Courtni telling me about myself. She is mean when she tells me about myself. This is because you arent putting it in her.
6) So you can whoop Xaviers ass. Jesus. He is a good kid but he needs a fucking ass whoopin. Fuck.
7) I value the extra 20 minutes of sleep I get. That is the time it takes to drop Charli off and make coffee and make breakfast. I would like to sleep in.
8) IF YOU FUCKING HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT THAT YOU ARE A PART OF THIS TEAM, THEN GET A NEW FUCKING BRAIN.

Love and no disrespect because I love you,
Tarable

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Dear You,

Also above and beyond you being a big fucking baby, you need to pick one. This back and forth shit is fucking both annoying and old.

K? K.

————————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Boyfriend,

Fuck you read this so it is hard to open letter your ass. Even though it is not a bad open letter but our bosses read this too so…. put it in my mouth.

Tarable

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Dear New Guy #1,

I don’t give a good god damn who you think you are. Not even a little bit. Dont act like you are somebody. Because to me, you kinda arent.

Dear New Guy #2,

Your pick up lines are wack. Kinda like your face. Because you look like a dude that was a douche to Tarable.

Dear Mike O,

I love that I am your work boo.

Love Courtni

Dear Mike O,

I love your butt

Love Tarable

Dear Boyfriend,

Dont trip, your butt is cuter and nicer. And I get to touch it whenever I want except during work hours because that is not work appropriate and our bosses read this blog.

Love Tarable

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Dear HenrySan,

We miss the following:

1) your laugh
2) your rice
3) your open eye
4) your face

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

Yep I feel better.

Now for the Friday Eye Candy. Since it has been awhile, I wanted to do something special.

A special group eye candy … just for you.

I joke.

This Friday’s eye candy is (drum roll please)

George Clooney

Oh and Khloe Kardashian. She is a hottie.

You go. Get it off of your chest. Purge your weeks drama so you can enjoy your weekend! (annnnnnnnd, I am looking for eye candy suggestions)

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Post Holiday Open Letters.

Dec 27, 2009 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friday Eye Candy, You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch

Happy MondayafterChristmas!

I apologize for no Friday Eye Candy … or a venting place for the weekly purges … but it was in fact Christmas … and I figured it would be better to host your weekly venting place after the holidays and the after holiday sale madness.

Good decision?

Commence the open letters:

Tara is chomping at the bit to put some open letters out there into the privacy of her own internet space:

Dear Where Do You Want to Start,

I am fucking over it. I am tired of my busy ass life. I just want to relax with my hot boyfriends dick in my mouth. K!? (Yeah she went there)

I do not want to deal with anymore:
1) Holiday fucking drivers.
2) Excuse: It’s Christmas Time.
3) Ghey ass, unreliable, (don’t make sense) Holiday Hours
4) Even though I love and absolutely adore holiday parties, I am over them. I am sick of every single weekend being booked and having to stress about what to wear, did I already wear that to a holiday party where there were pictures … etc. Not only that, but I am fucking sick of impressing people and hanging out with people that I don’t like. And, I would rather have my hot boyfriends dick in my mouth. Also, get the holiday food out of my face. Because none of it is friendly to my ass size. K?! (cosigning on #4)
5) Done.

Love, Tarable

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Dear Muffin Top,

You hurt my feelings. You are not cute. You make me feel like all of the bitches I make fun of, and not be excited about fitting into my new size 11 jeans. I haven’t been a size 11 since I was born. Even if I bought a bigger size, it would be just as bad because you would move to my ass and make it look like I pooped my pants and that is not fair.

Get out of here you muffiny fuckin bitch.
Tarable

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Dear You,

I am over it. I am over it for my friend who is also over it. She wants to put it in her mouth but you are being a baby. So why don’t you take your crying tears and your kleenex box and cry about it via text.

Just saying.

Tarable.

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Dear Keanu Reeves,

Can I just fucking touch it? I have been waiting. WAITING. I have wanted to touch it since I was 7. Just let me touch it. Sorry hot boyfriend.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Tara,

Really? A snorer? Of allll the non sexy things you could ever do? Snore? Now you have to wear Breathe Right Strips for your hot boyfriend whos dick you want to put in your mouth to let you sleep over. Grow up its not that bad.

Tarable

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Dear Wine,

Thank you. (No seriously)

Love, Tarable

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Dear Family,

Thank you for not being crazy, psychotic, dysfunctional fuck faces this Christmas. It was proof that we can always get along.

Love Tara

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Donovan,

Fuck you. (Oh!) I hate you right now. I am gonna write you a letter because I love you but I kinda hate you right now. When you come home you better walk in the door, smile and make it all better (Word) annnnnnnnnnnnnd you better not do this bullshit EVER AGAIN or I will personally do something violent and that will not make you smile to you. You are the one that made the analogy of 5 fingers and then cut your own finger the hell off. On both hands. (Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaayum) Dont ever do it again. K? Gah. We need you here and if you dont see that … I don’t know what to tell you.

I miss you.

Love Me

————————————————————————————————————

And now for mine.

Dear Tarable,

You need to knock it off. You know what “it” is. You don’t always get your way when you want it. If you did, this one would be less interesting.

Don’t make me tell you again.

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Dear You,

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

And also.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Oh. By the way.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Carbohydrates,

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. I would like to enjoy a slice or 9 of bread without gaining 23537y457754742w3 pounds while doing it.

I LIKE YOU BUT I CANT HAVE YOU AND IT ISNT FAIR AND IT HURTS MY FEELINGS.

BLahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhIwantsomechipsahoy.andacheeseburger.andsomepadthai.andsomemacaroniandcheese.andpizza.andstuffing.withgravy.andmashedpotatoes.andbreadandbutter.andpastaexceptforolivegarden.andredlobstercheddargarlicbiscuits.clamchowderinabreadbowl.chocolate.chipsandqueso.girlscoutcookies.alsosourpatchkids.andsoda.andstickyricewithpenutsauceonitandsomesrirachatoo.anythingfried.andagrilledcheesesandwichwithamericancheesepandaexpress.

The end. Love TarablyWicked

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Vagina,

It is almost over. You have gone the long haul and I am sure the big black cardboard check at the finish line will pay the winner (you) really REALLY WELL. Not to mention, you are (not that you werent already) gonna be really tiny. Like as if you had vagina bypass surgery or something. Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenytinyvagina.

I am proud of your sticktoitiveness.

Wicked

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Dear Boyfriend, (From Girlfriend)

It has been several days since we have fucked. I would like for you to meet me in that one place you suggested the other day so you can bend me over and let me have it.

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Dear Xavier,

Knock it the fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are such a little argumentative fucker right now and I dont fucking get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUTUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Tara and Mom!

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Dear Washington Strip Clubs,

Why can’t you show me a pretty vagine? Why are the bitches here skanky, disease infested messes? Can I just come on a Friday night and get an alcoholic beverage while staring at pretty vajay dance all in my business because you do not provide that here.

I am just sayin.

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Hair,

Pick one.

Tarable

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Dear Readers,

Thanks for Reading. Good Night.

TarablyWicked

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And for some Eye Candy: Jamie Dornan

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