Living Wicked

Whatever Happened to? Wednesday’s: Playing Outside

Oct 6, 2009 DUH, Etc., Fitness Forward, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays

Happy Hump Day! Welcome to the 2nd installment of Whatever Happened to? Wednesday’s!

This is a new weekly blog theme that I am testing out to see if it is 1) fun, 2) liked by you, and 3) not too time consuming. Feel free to take this idea and use it in your own blogs and/or leave feedback and suggestions for future blogs!

I recently saw this commercial on TV about this Fisher Price Bike video game fucking bullshit. Have you seen it?

Look. I get the intent. Learn while exercising. But really? An exercise bike for kids? That is plugged into the television? Gah!

Whatever happened to playing outside? When I was little, I had an actual bike that I rode. Outside. Sometimes I had hands on the handlebars. Most times I did not. I rode and rode and rode until my legs felt like jello. It was important to feel the air hit my face as I cruised down the big hill that ended at my house.

Me. Bike. Outside. Just saying.

When I was a kid we played with sticks. And rocks. And dirt. Sometimes I had an old margarine container or a Quaker oatmeal cylinder. The point is, I was outside. Alllllllllllllllllllllll day.

Whatever happened to that?

Whatever happened to finding a place under a tree in the warm breeze with an amazing book and learning about someone else’s perspective on the way the world worked in whatever context the book was written in?

Whatever happened to learning by conversation with others?

Whatever happened to contact sports? Hide and go seek? Tag? Red Rover? Puzzles? Charades? Getting a band together using homemade instruments? Dancing? Making mud pies??? Playing doctor in the coat closet?!

Is it just me?

I am not the one to say no to video games all together. I think that they, just like everything else is good in moderation. But it seems like our society is doing nothing else but scratching this itch. This sick itch that our youth has to be glued in front of the computer or TV playing goddess knows what kind of game for hours upon end. And now this? A bike attached to the TV? No. Absolutely not.

If your kid is obese, SEND THEIR ASS OUTSIDE TO RUN SOME MOTHERFUCKING LAPS!

Call me old fashioned. Call me a meanie. I dont care. Kick their asses out. Outside I say. I don’t give a damn if that kid has a fit and tries to shove a remote up their ass over it. Get. The. Fuck. Outside. GET OUT. GO. Right now.

What games did you play as a kid?

Tags: fisher price, hide and go seek, play outside, read a book, red rover, video games, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays

Complimentary Candy & Opinions = to Aholes, Etc.

Sep 8, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, Etc., Fitness Forward, Friday Eye Candy, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Ranteriffic, Sound Off/Debate, Yum... or Lack There Of., bitch

Hello Douches and Dolls. (I am PMSing. This = man hater.)

Heh. I would like to forewarn you that there will be plenty of these man hating images sporadically placed in this blog. Dont get offended penis providers. The mood shall pass in about a week.

I am sick of hearing about inappropriateness when sharing opinions with others. I think it is unfair to make someone feel awful for having a differing opinion. I also think that it is an unfair expectation to think that your opinion will always be embraced.

Sometimes people dont want to fucking hear it.

Fact: We all have an opinion about everything. I think that people who say “I don’t have an opinion on the issue” is full of shit and they know it. The translation to that statement is “I would rather keep my opinion to myself.” Maybe, say that instead of being a big fat fucking liar.

Fact: I like saying “Fact” before stuff.

Fact: I am awesome.

(K I am done.)

I really like the “Opinions are like assholes” saying. It is one of my favorites.

I, like all of you, have an asshole. I also have opinions. (Shocker, right?!) Today, I would like to share some with you.

1) In my opinion, the speech that The PotUS gave to our kids this morning was a great speech. In my opinion, I believe that many kids were positively inspired by it. I retract my original opinion about the fact that the speech should be in school during school hours. After listening, not just to the speech but also to the opinions (and the crying broad) of others, I think that the speech should have been treated like any other from the PotUS. But I think that these discussions need to be between parent and child. I think that it is not the school administrations responsibility to have them. Nor do I want them to. I think that teachers need to remain neutral. I think that it is difficult to do so effectively when the rawness of child curiosity is the main focus.

2) In my opinion, the child in my son’s class who thought it was appropriate to tell the 4 black kids in class that they needed to shut up because white people were better than black people needs an ass whoopin. Wicked mommy gangster style.

3) In my opinion, you need not breast-feed your child when said child can pull your titty out and feed itself.

4) In my opinion, Miley Cyrus should be fucking shot in her throat. Along with The Jonas Brothers. And the makers of ExtenZe.

5) In my opinion, telephone books should not be delivered anymore to houses unless asked.

6) In my opinion, penis providers need to shup and deliver the penis.

Also, I have come to an important decision.

I am going to get 2 beta’s and name them “Penis” and “Vagina”. They will be my bedroom pets. Of course I will get the kids their own beta’s, but these ones are mine. They will be in separate bowls so they don’t kill each other. They can just look at each other and be mad.

Below is the conversation RE: why I picked betas to name “Penis” and “Vagina”.

me: i am going to get 2 betas
for my bedroom
and name them penis and vagina
Rachael: ok
but you cant put them in the same tank
soo
me: and watch them fight each other
i know
they have the divided tank
for this very purpose
Rachael: o i c
k
Rachael: purple?
me: mmhm
hahahahahaha
Rachael: saweet
me: only because i REALLY want to name something vagina
and
i cant do that with a cat or dog
and have kids say that
Rachael: VAJAYJAY
YOUR FOOD IS HERE
me: HAHAHA
* whistle *
HEEEEEEEEEEERE PENIS PENIS PENIS
maybe I will get lizards or turtles instead
but that means i would have to get one to share
and reptiles stink
so no
betas
Rachael: yes
i agree
a fish named vagina
kinda weird. but so what.
me:
Rachael: i want frogs actually
little cute ones
sans toady look
me: I LOVE FROGS
Rachael: uhm yes
yes you do
so
get some dang frogs instead
they will eat bugs too
me: they might be loud
Rachael: perhaps.
me: and
Rachael: a lil ribbity
me: i cant tell the kids that i have 2 frogs named penis and vagina
Rachael: never hurt anyone
me: i can just imagine
x
at school
Rachael: can i hold penis?
me: we have 2 frogs
i am gonna bring vagina next week
for show and tell
Rachael: i pet my moms vagina last night
me: HAHA
omg i am cryingh
]
Rachael: ext 456 for the on call social worker
yes, i think betas are well thought thru
me: i am dying
like
people are looking
Rachael: get to work employee with the fuck its!
and
if they wanna stare
then you should also dance on the table
me: i might flash folks
Rachael: as you should.

*end scene*

Lastly, in honor of the season premiere of Sons of Anarchy, I am doing us all a favor in posting a Complimentary Eye Candy on a Wednesday. If you are unaware of this show, I suggest you figure it out. It is motherfucking amazing. I am just saying.

Charlie Hunnam … i.e. Jax

Yes. I know. But he is mine so hands off bitches. He is the only man other than Xavier that I am NOT man hating on this week. Jax you are my LOVAH!

/stalkerobsesser

Would you like to share your opinion about something?
What crazy names would you give YOUR own 2 betas?
Are you a hater today? What kind?

Tags: miley cyrus, opinions are like assholes, President Obama, sons of anarchy, speech, the jonas brothers

Rant-omly Scheduled Programming, Etc.

Aug 11, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, Fitness Forward, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, Wicked Wisdoms, Yum... or Lack There Of.

My friend/co-worker received her copy of my book today. It is the first bound version of Submissive Confessions that I have laid my hands on. No more of the copy paper print inside of a notebook versions.

I have a bound book. BOUND. On real paper. I smelled my OWN book’s newbooksmell. I touched the cover of the book that *I* wrote from my own (sick and twisted and oversexed) thoughts. My book. MINE.

So many people are asking me what it is that I would do with myself if the book took off and I became this Danielle Steele famous author. My answer? I am trying not to think about that too much. I am happy to wake up, click on my revenue report and see that I sold just ONE more book. If that leads to 1 MILLION books…

… well, I might pee my pants with excitement.

Things like that don’t just ‘happen’ for me. I want to say that it was either JP or FB (if you dont read them, you really should because their blogs rock my vaginasocks off) that said recently that when good things happen, it is because we motherfucking work our asses off to make them work. I can say that I wish that I had shit handed to me on a silver platter all I want, but realistically… I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I would make some minor changes. I guess that is one of the learning hurdles that comes with doing it yourself. Nothing that makes it a horrible purchase or anything, but stuff that *I* notice.

In other, more interesting (read: make me mad as fuck) news: My old landlord totally came to my job and served me papers for small claims court. The charges? $1400 in damages after we vacated.

Translation: Motherfucker is butthurt that I moved out 1July, cleaned the fuck out of the apartment, and didnt leave his ass a rent check. Why didn’t I leave him a rent check? Because I originally offered to give him 20 days to be out on July 5th … pay the 5 days … and all would be gravy train. He retorted with some bullshit about if ‘I was 5 days sooner I would be good to go with this but you owe July in 2 places now bullshit’.

My reply? “Okay.” /sarcastic tone.

Since the reason for taking me to small claims court is “damage” he cannot go backward and say it was due to unpaid rent. Period. Show me $1400 in damages in an apartment that 1) needed new carpet when I moved in 2) is an old, ghetto, run down piece of shit residence in the first place. G’head.

Landlord, you can motherfucking suck it. Don’t be mad because you tried to gangster me into another months rent because you ALREADY HAD ANOTHER APARTMENT on the market in the SAME building and KNEW you couldn’t rent it. Don’t be mad because you tried to prove that my *Nword* (IN YOUR WORDS) husband was a crack dealer and couldn’t. Don’t be mad because your wife is a nasty, nagging, bitchy beeyotch and you haven’t gotten laid in years.

Dont be mad. It aint my fault.

So we will see what happens.

Speaking of butthurt, there is this dumb bitch at my job who is so beyond insecure that it is comical. She is one of those people who will compliment you SPECIFICALLY so that you feel obligated to compliment them back.

Pretty sure I dont ever feel obligated to do a motherfucking thing I dont wanna.

So when a bitch says “Hey Skinny Minny” every single time she sees me … and after the 58th time of 1) not acknowledging her 100+pound,lessthan900calorieaday,borderlineanorexicweightloss and 2) I start ignoring her as if I haven’t worked with her in some facet for 5 years … it is a wonder why she would be.

Yeah, I know I could have been like “Hey. Could you stop maybe fishing for compliments? I dont need to be reminded of my weight. Be it loss or gain, your intent behind the comment is purely selfish and I am over it”

But I chose the cuntier road. The road less … ADULT if you will.

Whatever. Back to my story. So the broad is so insecure that she simply has to have all attention on her. Her weight. Her wedding. Her Her Her. I dont feed into. I have no problem being in the same space as you and completely ignore the fact that your ass is drilling holes into my neck. I also have no problem talking to everyone BUT you. I am just saying. You may think that the world owes you some explanation… or some validation… or even some recognition… but I dont. I wont. I refuse.

Especially when you have completely dropped friends who you spent a great deal of time with when you were fat. How is it that your friend is no longer your friend simply because she hasnt lost as much weight as you.

How shallow. I think that you are a horrible horrible person. HORRIBLE. I wouldnt want to go to your stupid wedding with your stupid fakeness if I was paid to go like ONE MILLION DOLLARS. And I am poor. So. That would take a lot to not go.

Bottom line: You are the definition of Human Being FAIL. One day, outside of work where I am allowed to say what I want and not get fired, I am going to tell you about yourself. Right now though, I really need my job. So I ignore.

So, I am on month 2.5 of my journey to losing another 25 pounds and living a healthier lifestyle and having a better relationship with food. I have slipped, binged (i.e. I just ate 2 frosted strawberry poptarts om nom nom) but over-all I am 85% successfully following this the way that I should. Why only 85%? Because I enjoy wine. I have a bite or 4 of mashed potatoes every now and again. I <3 the occasional Dick's or even crapdonalds cheeseburger.

Anyway, I have been introduced to Spaghetti Squash. You cook it per the directions, and you serve it like spaghetti noodles. There really is not a flavor to it, so whatever you serve with it, be it meat sauce, alfredo… the texture is a bit veggie like, but it is so complimentary and similar to spaghetti noodles… that I can live with with that change.

(I havent tried this but) Apparently you can also slice it and use it similar to lasagna noodles with the same result.

If you are a pasta freak like me, I suggest trying it. It is honestly really really good.

Also, I found some “SB” approved cookie recipes. I haven’t tried them yet, but I plan to so we can bring them along with us camping.

Lastly, I would like to rant about this little thing I like to call “Dating Games”.

The above image … in a picture … is what I think of them. I have said before that I love love and alllllllllll that goes in with it. But, I take it back. I do not love. I [X] DISLIKE dating games.

I dislike them like I dislike:

Wearing pants.
My job.
My nosy co-worker
Mayonnaise

I am surrounded by these games. S U R R O U N D E D . The waiting for the text message. “Does she want to hang out with me” Did I say the wrong thing? Am I being too needy. Is he seeing other people?

Blah. Just say what you need to say already.
I am so fucking over headgameiwannakeepyouatarmslengthiwanttofuckbutdontfuckanyoneelse bullshit.

The end.
Anyway, rant if you wish. You know the floor is open.
Uhhh… what is the one food you would make have no dietary side affects and you could eat an unlimited amount without ever getting sick by doing so?
How are you doing with your own strides toward healthier living? (if you are participating)

Oh, and best, most trainwreck thing I have seen all day: http://whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com/ <– just browse these lovely pics.

Tags: camping, dating, food, lulu.com, published, south beach diet, spaghetti squash, Submissive Confessions, weight loss, work drama

Shout … Shout … Let it All Out

Aug 3, 2009 All Things Charli, Family, Fitness Forward, Friendship, Parenting, Random, Sex, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show, Wicked Wisdoms

I should probably be working. But I would rather do the following: 1) publish my book 2) keep checking to see if anyone bought it 3) re-edit it 50 bajillion times.

Speaking of: Have you become a FAN on the official SC fan page yet?

<-------- There is a pretty button over here that you can go and purchase a copy. You can get it in paperback OR an online version. (keep scrolling ... a little bit more ... keep scrolling ... THERE IT IS!) *grin*

Just saying.

I don’t really know what lit the spark under my ass yesterday. I am lying actually. I totally know. I have been afraid of publishing my work. You all have read it, and (apparently from the threatening … kidding but not really … emails) love it so much… that I am afraid that you will hate the ending. And the changes. That, you will buy it, read it, and then ask yourself what in the fuck you were thinking wasting money on it.

Shut up.

This last weekend was an eerie one. Losing a friend is a hollow feeling. At least, when that friend is someone that, take away the circumstance of them passing… you wouldn’t have ever lost them. They would have remained a constant. Him passing has taught me 2 lessons: 1) Value the truest friendships. Hold them as close as possible. Tell them you love them and 2) Get rid of the ones that bring you down. And I plan to. I don’t even have to create an explanation. You should already know why I silently told you to go fuck yourself. If you don’t … well I am truly sorry that you are that dumb. Especially considering the fact that you were my friend. I haven’t ever pretended with any of you.

The passing of Scuba not only made me think about cherishing my relationships, but also that I am wasting precious time. I don’t want to only be remembered because I passed; my work to be published and honored simply because I am gone. It is silly to be afraid. So I think I am gonna stop doing that.

I am also going to write my will and testament. Is it weird that I have a playlist that I want played at my memorial? Cause I totally do. Not only that but I kinda want to put Tarable in charge of what pictures to use. I would be hot-A-bout-it if I was looking down and there was a nasty pic of me. Who wants to be remembered like that?!

Seriously, shut up. The last impression is JUST as important as the first.

Anyway, what do you think of the new blog-digs? Jamie @ Fast Times hooked me up. Thanks for being so damned patient with my picky-ness. I am in major heart with it. Sooo you rule.

In other news, I have a friend who is falling in love. She and I sat (well I started and she followed suit at my right-ness) and listed off all of the reasons why it is so. I love love so much. She deserves it. To fall in love. To embrace the idea of something that she has probably dreamed about as a little girl. She deserves to be looked at as if she were the only person in a crowded room.

I am 95% sure that she has found that.

One of my favoritest things in the history of my favorite things is to watch love unfold. It leaves me warm on the inside. Like the tingly feeling when you take a shot of Saki (I found this feeling out this weekend… sheesh). She knows that, even though I give her shit daily, that I am elated to be in the presence of 2 people naturally allowing the vulnerability of feelings take over.

It is truly beautiful.

Alright, enough of the sappy shit. I gotta go do mommy stuff (read: beat Charli sensless in order to teach her that it is NOT okay to pull every god forsaken thing from every drawer, basket, toy box and throw it on the floor in her room.) as well as clean up my messy area. And fold freaking laundry.

Laundry, I say SUCCHILA! (translation: SUCK IT!)

Morbid I know, but what song would you like for people to remember you by?
Anything or anyone that you would like to tell “Succhila!” to?!

PEE ESS: For you South Beachers or whatever it is that you are doing…. I had SPAGHETTI tonight. Not with noodles. Nope. I steamed broccoli and ate the spaghetti sauce over the top of the broccoli. What Cass?? You don’t like broccoli? That’s okay too! Any zucchini or asparagus or even carrots would work JUST fine.

Tags: laundry, lulu.com, south beach diet, spaghetti, Submissive Confessions, will and testament

Monday Madness.

Jul 26, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Fitness Forward, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, bitch, love

Happy Monday. No seriously. HAPPY FUCKING MONDAY GOD DAMNIT! (i joke)

How was your weekend? Mine was super duper radical. I went to the gym and stepped on the dreaded scale. I was positive that, after Vegas and the fact that jumping back into the South Beach eating lifestyle was actually not as easy as anticipated, I had gained some weight back.

WRONG bitches. As of Saturday, I have officially said bye-bye to the 180’s and a gleeful hello to 179. Thank you, baby Jesus. (Channeling my inner Tori)

I haven’t been following SB as closely as I should be. But I have noticed that my preference has changed.

For example: 2 months ago I would eat a big ass bowl of alfredo, whereas now I only put enough on my plate for a couple of bites. This allows me the taste of it without over indulging. I prefer this to the latter. I don’t feel stuffed. Or uncomfortable. So, I will say that 90% of my eating is SB. If it takes me longer to lose the remaining 19 pounds, so be it.

(if you were participating) How has your progress been?

I am considering participating in a 1/2 marathon with Kanisha. The problem: I hate running. So, part of me wants to run it so that I can say that I have done it… and to have that feeling of accomplishment… the other part (read: the lazy part) wants to walk it because that is easier.

We shall see which part wins in this arm wrestling match.

Hey Tarable: MY QUADS HATE YOU.