Honest Tuesday’s: I Don’t Like You. It Is Easier That Way.
Mar 8, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, Etc., Friendship, Honest Tuesday's, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms
’scuse me while I ramble a bit… and feel free to relate if you wish.
I am sure that I am not alone when I say that I feel most content surrounded by the people I love. But I am probably one of few that doesn’t have that many people surrounding them anymore.
It seems like no matter how hard I try, the people I love the most diminish with time and happenings and exchanges of words. It makes me sad. It breaks my heart. It causes me to look in the mirror and ask myself what I as a friend could have possibly done to push them so far away.
But then, maybe it isn’t me.
I am difficult to love, and I like it that way. Why should my devotion come so easy to everyone? Is it fair to think that the people in my life should work hard to earn my love, trust and loyalty? I would work hard to reciprocate for theirs. In every relationship that I have ever encountered, I have worked hard to show them exactly how important they are to me.
I wonder why I find less and less people willing to do the same. As if, it is acceptable to give 50% in a friendship all of a sudden?
D tells me that so many people are terrified of me. Intimidated even. That they are afraid of what I might say to them. What do you mean? You are afraid of someone possibly telling you the truth? Is that what “friendship” has come to? Lying to one another? It makes me sad to know that people walk on eggshells… but at the same time, my guard remains up because really, I don’t give a fuck. I am gonna be me and say what I think, and ask for forgiveness later if it comes down to having to.
Fact is, I don’t like people. I don’t trust people. So excuse me if I don’t run and hug you and tell you all of my deepest, darkest secrets when we first meet.
Regardless, my life and my love are mine… and I choose who to share them with. If it isn’t you… then you haven’t proved to me that you are worth my love. If I shared it with you, and it was betrayed by you… then shame on me for allowing you in in the first place… It is too bad that you are gone, but with or without you…
I am going to love life, and live love.
Because that is how I roll.
Thoughts?
If you could have any car you wanted, which car would you choose? Would it be practical or flashy?
Imagine you woke up one morning to find you had switched bodies with me. What would you do?
Tags: eggshells, Friendship, guard, intimidate, love
Wicked Disorganized.
Feb 2, 2010 DUH, Etc., Honest Tuesday's, I Forgot to Tag, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Random, Wicked Wisdoms
I am so unorganized. But I am not. When it comes to work and school … and blogging … I am overly organized.
At work especially. I am suuuuuuuper organized. I have files and labels and places for everything. My desk stays clean 95% of the time. I cannot function in chaos at work. Same with school. Being that my time is so limited, I really cannot waste any minute on trying to find some shit I need for school.
At home though? Fuck. I could really use some help.
I have bills upon bills upon papers upon random letters and cards and shit that I do not need all over the place. My closet is a hot mess 95% of the time. I swear I go and get it all organized … and the next day it is as if I never even put forth an ounce of effort. My dresser drawers do not have any order what so ever. There are the most random fucking things in every single drawer. I have clothes that I know for a fucking FACT that I will never wear again because they are mostly 200lb clothes and uhm I don’t weigh 200lbs anymore, (YAY) nor will I ever be again because I stay working on my health and fitness. (most of the time anyway.)
Annnnnnnydisorganized…
My linen closet is hilarious. I don’t even know where to begin … and don’t even get me started on the boxes in the coat closet.
I have no idea why this is. I am not the hoarding type, with the exception of paperwork. I am a fucking w e i r d o with a capitol W when it comes to paperwork. Bills, letters, bills, statements, letters, cards, pictures, school shit for me and Xavier… yet there is no system for it. None. Like, if you were to come over and open a random drawer or box, you would find all kinds of shit that was completely unrelated to one another. They might be in a box with like … I dunno … some board games, or VHS movies that I will never watch again but cannot seem to get rid of to save my life.
Fuck. Am I a part-time hoarder? WTF is wrong with me?
No. Nope. Nuuuhuhhh. *shakes head*
I am making a late entry resolution. Not a “New Years Resolution” but more of a life resolution. I am going to take baby steps to get myself organized. First step is to rid myself of shit that I do NOT need. Second? Get a file cabinet with file folders to implement some sort of bill/ppwk filing process in my house. This means that I am going to have to start actually opening them when they come in the mail.
Fuuuuuuck.
I may or may have forgotten to mention that I am notorious for simply tossing a bill that I don’t feel like paying or that I know I cannot afford to pay. Or simply putting it off and saying I will “deal with it later” and then never dealing with shit.
If I am going to ever pay down my debt and fix my credit … I am going to have to stop pretending that my debt isn’t there. Truthfully, I am a great pretender. Not in 2010 though. This is something that I absolutely must do this year and in order to do it, I need to be focused and clear minded and ORGANIZED.
So that is precisely what I will do … tomorrow … heh.
What is your organizational style?
Am I alone with this?
Would you rather … Run your tongue down ten feet of a New York City street or press your tongue into a strangers nostril?
Tags: 2010, bills, debt, disorganized, hoarder, money, organization, resolution
It Started With a Simple Question …
Feb 2, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., I Forgot to Tag, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Sex, Thoughts and Perceptions
… that led to this blog.
Do you ever wonder what other peoples “pee faces” look like? I pee a lot lately, and sometimes I know I make the most ridiculous pee faces ever. Especially when I should have peed like 1 hour prior… so I reeeeeeeeealllyyyy have to pee. It is probably closer to an orgasm face than a pee face.
I am so nosy. I would totally be a fly on the stall wall, observing other people’s pee faces; giggling uncontrollably at them squint, and silently sigh as they finally let it all out.
I don’t want to be a fly on the wall for poo faces. No No No. Grunty faces aren’t interesting to me, especially because the present left after the grunts and groans and poots is stinky. I am not interested in being a part of another woman’s poo funk.
I would also be that proverbial fly on the wall during sex.
All sex. Gay sex, bi-sex, old people sex, group sex…. You wouldn’t really get a true idea of what other people’s sex behaviors are if they knew you were watching.
People fart. Unattractive noises are made sometimes during position change. The moaning is not necessarily as pretty sounding as the little girls on the movies. I would perch my nosy, horny ass on their smoke stained wallpaper and watch them go at it.
I have had people watch D and I have sex… which was weird at first, but now that I think about it…. triple rawwwwrr. Watch me! And while you are at it, touch yourself while you are doing it. Why haven’t you joined in yet? I wanna make you call MY name out.
What?? Too bold??
Porn = a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. These sluts know that a camera is on them, so they absolutely put on a show. That is what they are paid for, right? I am inclined to say that porn doesn’t necessarily turn me off… but it isn’t really what I need to get the mood going. Well, with the exception of more than one girl going at it… and then really, it just makes me more mad than anything—because I really would rather just actually be with more than one girl, rather than watch them have all of the fun.
Wouldn’t you?
Sex makes me curious.
How does sonso give head? What is her secret technique to drive hubby over the edge? Does whatsherface like it in the butt? I wonder if thatonedude likes to really get into eating pussy? Or does he half-ass it? How many times does Ol’girl call out my name when she masturbates? Does she use a toy, or is she fingers only? Would thatonebitch really make out with me, or would she chicken out last minute??
I honestly have had at least one sexual thought about each and every one of you little minxes. I have also pictured myself on top of each and every one of you as well… or were you on top of me???
Anysnatch….
Sometimes, when I masturbate I don’t think about anything. More often than not, I am not me… I am in someone else’s body, with their husband… or with more than one person. Sometimes I am the pleaser… sometimes I just lay there and let my fantasy take over and please me.
I am a toy kind of girl; a no-nonsense, get down to business girl who doesn’t waste anytime sending me to that optimum climax. Sometimes I make myself cum more than once in a session. I have sent myself to that point so many times in one session that I cant even pee or wipe or touch it without a pleasure-filled pain involved.
So yeah. One question in my head led to this blogtastrophe. You are welcome.
Would you rather … Be trapped in an elevator with wet dogs or with three fat men with bad breath?
Tags: masturbate, people, porn, Sex
Same Shit, Different Day, Etc.
Jan 27, 2010 Current Events, DUH, Etc., Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Ranteriffic, bitch
I am bored of blogging.
Maybe because the same shit happens every day. Maybe because I feel like I repeat myself all the time lately due to sameshitdifferentdayitis.
Maybe I should quit. Whatever. Suggest some shit. KThx.
I mean, it isn’t like my same shit different day is bad shit … it is just the same. So when you are a daily blogger … and the same shit happens, it is like watching the same episode of Friends that always seems to play at 10pm on TBS. Yeah, that shit is funny … but pretty soon … you can regurgitate all of the banter between Phoebe and Joey or Ross and Rachel. You know when Monica is gonna freak out over a misplaced item in her OCD filled life. Funny? Duh … but same nonetheless.
I was thinking about things that I hate a great deal the other day … which then led me to things that I also like a great deal as well.
For instance:
I hate deadbeats. Not just “parents” … but deadbeats in general. To me a deadbeat is anyone who 1) doesn’t own their responsibilities 2) trys to abusively control another human being OR 3) has nothing in life but a negative ass mouth piece and tries to bring others down with their sorry deadbeat asses.
On the same token:
I like them. I like having them around to fucking clown on or bitch about when I want to feel better about my sameshitdifferentdayitis. If it weren’t for them, we would have no one to talk about. And to be honest, I like talking about folks who deserve it.
I also really really hate liars. Like for no reason bold faced fucking liars. They could almost be put into a deadbeat category … but not always. I happen to know for a fact that there are some bold faced fucking liars who are upstanding citizens in all other ways BUT their lies. The only time lies are acceptable are when you are telling kids that Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy etc exists or when bill collectors keep blowing your shit up and you dont have any money to pay them so you act like “Alicia” and “just got this number yesterday so you have no idea who so’n’so is and stop calling.” “Alicia” may or may not be my fake name for bill collectors. Just saying.
Anyway, Liars suck. The end.
Speaking of sucking, I really like sucking. Literally. Not like sucking at life sucking … but suuuuuuuucking. On lollypops or dripping ice cream or penis or … yeah that.
I also like lint brushes. Nothing says bad sameshitdifferentday than lint all over the place.
I hate when I get out into “natural light” and my outfit looks like my cat dry humped it all over the place. Orange hairs all over the place. That fucker waits until I get my shit set out to come and purr all on it like it is his special bed. Helllllooooo spray bottle … meet Jacksons in my business ass.
I like D fat. He is a fatty and I love every fat inch of him. He is not allowed to get skinny again.
I hate that Charli doesnt sleep through the night yet. It is all my fault too.
I hate processes.
I hate how it takes someone super quick to take your money but fucking forever to give it back.
I like getting paid every week.
I also like my co-workers. Especially the non baby ones. (heh.)
I like my job. When someone closes a deal and rings that bell … that shit rules. Why? Because we all rally and make that person feel awesome for their accomplishment. FIST BUMP!
So yeah. That is where I am at. I am also at LMFAO at this pic:
Does anyone else feel the sameshitdifferentdayitis? Tell me about it.
Also, would you rather be … born with an elephant trunk or born with a giraffe neck?
Tags: friends, lint brush, monica, ocd, phoebe and joey, ross and rachel, same shit different day, would you rather
An I Don’t Care About Football Blog Etc.
Jan 24, 2010 Etc., Family, Friendship, Random, Sex
Happy Monday!
If you are looking for some awesome discussion about Sunday’s playoff games … you won’t find it here because I really could give a shit about football. When my kid plays football for school, I will give a shit. Until then, it is of zero concern to me.
What I do think is amusing is the banter and opinions and tempers that go into the football games. I like to subtly antagonize it a little bit where I can get in… but that is as far as it goes.
Friday was our little get together for D’s birthday. I was a tad concerned that no one would show, given the fact that D made the decision on TUESDAY *cough*procrastinator*cough* that he actually wanted to have people over that SAME Friday. But we have some pretty great friends who made it through.
Needless to say, Tarable and I got completely inebriated, stayed up until 4am, and then were worthless pieces of shit on my bed for the remainder of the Saturday.
And then Sunday. I pretty much laid in bed until 2pm. 
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and I whooped both Xavier and D’s ass in Scrabble.
This is how I know I am old. I used to do that shit every single weekend. Sometimes on the weeknights. Puke, rally … repeat. Not anymore. My body pays 10 fold every time I party like a rock star.
Speaking of partying like a rock star … fucking like one is always rad. D and I had the besssssssssssst sex over the weekend. With him adjusting after being gone for 2 months and how hectic our schedule is … and of course how high maintenance my 2 year old is … our sex life has been little to none.
Not gonna lie, I was starting to get worried a little bit.
Last night, I watched a movie called “Rachel’s Getting Married” with Anne Hathaway. It was a really good movie. I enjoy her acting a great deal. If you haven’t seen it, and you like a good touching movie about family and its dysfunction … I highly recommend it.
Well, that is about all I have got.
How was your weekend?
Would you rather live with no elbows or no knees?
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Jan 22, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., Family, Friday Eye Candy, P.O.E. Biz, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail
WAZZZZZZZZUP!!!!!!!!!!! TGIMFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No bullshit, I am 1) Glad that it is Friday. 2) Glad that it is the weekend. 3) Glad that it is Open Letter FUCKING FRIDAY!
Dear New Piercing(s),
Fucking HEAL already.
Love Tarable & Wicked
———————————————————————————————————————-
Dear D,
Bllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (breath) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (breath)
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Fine. Fucking fine. FINE.
Courtni.
———————————————————————————————————————
Dear Stupid Boy,
You are fucking STUPID. I just wanted to you to know.
———————————————————————————————————————-
Dear JWow and Snook’s,
We are your West Coast soul sistahs. We would beat any bitches ass or even a dudes if he pressed the right buttons. It is like the East and West ATeam. Or really the Bteam. B= Bitches.
Yeeeeah.
Tarably Wicked.
————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Jamie,
If the open letter isn’t signed … then I wrote it.
Love Wicked.
————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Tarable,
I gotcho back. Always.
Love, Your Bestie
————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Jersey Shore,
Why are you so addicting?!
————————————————————————————————————————
Dear You,
I appreciate you. Love you, mean it. 
————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Emotions,
Why? Why do you have to come out at the most inopportune time? Why do you have tear ducts? Like at work when you are looking at yourself in the mirror … or when you are talking to your bestie and she realizes that you are crying and she asks you as you are crying and when she asks you, you cry harder? Why ruin your makeup? Why?
————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Friday’s,
We have 60 of you that are just to ourselves. We vow to do really awesome stuff together and without boys or kids or drama filled people. Just us. A bestfrienddate.
Love TarablyWicked
————————————————————————————————————————
Dear 2/12,
You have been scheduled as our bestfriendvalentinesdayfridaydate. We are gonna kick it and get drunk and watch a funny movie. The end of that.
TarablyWicked
————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Snookin for Love,
Really?!
————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Credits,
Fucking get bought. K?!
————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Self,
You are good enough. You are going to be successful. You will make President’s Club. Why? Because. You are not average. You work your ass off everyday. You are TRYING.
It will will will will will will pay off.
————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Charli,
GET OUT OF MY PERSONAL SPACE.
————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Carbs,
Fuck the hell offfffffffffffffff. FUCK OFF.
TarablyWicked
————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Old Man,
I get that you are grumpy because you haven’t eaten dinner. I bet your dinner involves complex carbohydrates. Guess what?! Mine doesn’t and I am just as cranky if not more.
Fuck you stupid owner david.
Tarable.
————————————————————————————————————————-
Dear Ken Adams,
Fuck. Seriously, the thin line is getting thinner by the moment.
Regina Philange
————————————————————————————————————————-
Dear Hungry,
We legitimately hate you.
TarablyWicked
————————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Girls Trip,
Its GONNA HAPPEN.
————————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Courtni,
You need to make a decision for yourself for once. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. You can never say that you didn’t try.
————————————————————————————————————————–
And for some FRIDAY EYE CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!
First… Gerard Butler … YUMMMMMMM.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Minka Kelly ….
Now you go. Purge your weekend so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends!
Tags: 300, Friday Eye Candy, gerard butler, ken adams and regina philange, minka kelly
An Award annnnnnnnnd A LMFAO Conversation, Etc.
Jan 17, 2010 Etc., Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Yum... or Lack There Of.
Happy Monday Individuals!
I was given a really kick ass award from a new (to me) bloggerslashreader. You should add him to your readers because he is pretty awesome and I quite enjoy his blogs. I really have to give it up to Lilu as well for making the connection between us via TMIT’s every week. I don’t think that she is aware of the impact she has on connecting us bloggers on the interwebs.
The Award is the “Happy 101 Award” and the rules are as follows:
I have to list ten things that make me happy and I have to do one of them today. Then I have to pass the award on to ten other bloggers who I think are deserving. Now, ten things that make me happy:
(These things are in no particular order and I have bolded the ones I have done today.)
1. Masturbating. I could be having an unlimited amount of sex every single day of my life, but I still enjoy a good self-love session. Sometimes, I masturbate AFTER sex. Not because I didn’t get off … but because I fucking feel like it.
2. Blogging. Even if my blog is crap and I don’t have time to put thought into what it is for the day. Even if I don’t publish it … I must blog every single day.
3. Sex. Duh.
4. My ladies make me happy. Tarable, Rach, Squishy, Carol, Cass, Q, Tori, JonnaBonnana, Kim(s), Lirra, Sheesha, Leslie, Chrissie, Angie, Rosie, Chrissa … fuck I know I am forgetting a bitch or 2 but I know you will forgive me.
5. Accomplishing my goals. To know that I set something for myself and then push to make it happen … the best feeling ever.
6. My husband and my kids make me happy.
7. Sleeping in.
8. Reading a good book. Uninterrupted.
9. Making someone else laugh makes me happy.
10. Food makes me happy.
*BONUS*
11. A sexy fucking man makes me happy. Get naked and let me see the GOODS!
12. Shopping. Specifically bargain shopping. New stuff makes me happy.
I would like to recognize the following bloggers and give them the Happy 101 award. Because each of them make me happy every single day when I read their thoughts.
Squish @ Squishisms: Her view of the world makes me happy. Even when she is stabby. Actually MOSTLY when she is stabby.
Jaime @ Life Under Construction: She is hilarious to me. I enjoy her view of life.
MissTricky @ What Happens After: She is one of my oldest and dearest “internet friends”. Bes’ believe that we will be old bitties together one day. Face to Face styles.
Ms. Bethany @ Bethany’s World: She is who she is and says what she thinks in the most diplomatic way I have ever seen.
EroticaBitch @ Verbal Assassin: She is the most kick-assiest Army wife I have ever known.
Moog @ Mental Poo: He is just fucking hilar. Period.
Tori @ Dramatic Sigh: I don’t even have words for her fucking blogs sometimes.
Bradley @ A Jersey Kid: He used to be on a different blog which went on hiatus but is back ( I hope ) just in a different location. I missed him. He tops my favorite blog list ever in the history of blog lists.
Rosie @ Neurotic Ramblings: She is crazy as fuck but I love her. And when I say crazy, I mean it in the most complimentary way possible.
And last but definitely not least …
P.Q. @ DC Princess: She is my numbah1. She within her own crazy self makes me happy.
Now for the LMFAO Conversation between myself and Tarable.
Friday night has been decided as our Girls Night. We are going to start doing stuff together after work … because we deserve it and because we want to. Not necessarily just going to the bar or anything … but having dinner at new restaurants or seeing movies … or … well … going to the bar. Heh.
This last Friday we got pierced. She got her nose, and I got my cartilage in my ear done. Then we went and got some mini box wines and drove around blasting our favorite music.
When we got home, we picked a movie … “Funny People” and while drinking wine and watching it, we decided that we were hungry.
Me: “I want just ONE cheeseburger.”
Tarable: “Courtni! No!”
Me: “Fine.”
Tarable: “How would we get there anyway.”
Me: “Are you already hammered?”
Tarable: “Nooo ooooo…”
Me: “So what you are saying is …”
Tarable: “I am saying that I am off one. And I am going to tell the bitch in the drive thru that. Like, I want 3 cheeseburgers no onion I am off one.”
Me: “Mission accepted.”
So we are on our way to the land of the cheeseburger. I am admittedly waaaaaaaay more buzzed than I originally thought. The level of buzzed where every god damned thing is hilar.
We pull into the drivethru.
DtB: “Welcome to the land of the cheeseburger, may I take your order?”
Tarable (to me): “What was I supposed to say again?”
Me: “Can I have 4 cheeseburgers, no onions I am off one.”
Tarable (to DtB): “Can I have 4 cheesburgers no onioniamoffone.”
DtB: “What was that?”
Tarable: “4 cheeseburgers, no onionIamoffone.”
DtB: (Silence)
Me: Motherfucking DYING laughing.
Tarable: “FOUUUUUUUR CHEEEEEEEEEESEBURGERRRRRRRRRRRSSS, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ONION I.AM.OFF.ONE.”
At this point, I am fucking crying laughing because Tarable was mad at this DtB’s lack of understanding of her SLURRED ass statement of being off one. She probably had ZERO clue as to what “off one” really meant.
We pull up to the window.
Tarable: “Hi. Sorry. I am just off one.”
DtB didn’t laugh.
Me: “OMG I AM GOING TO PEE MY PANTS!”
Tarable: “Courtni!”
Me: (I literally could not look at her. I had my back to her and was all up IN the window.) “I cant helllllllllllp it!”
Tarable: “I am sorry. SHE is off one too.”
We pull up to the NEXT window.
Tarable: “You need to get it together. They are going to spit in our cheeseburgers.”
Me: “I cant help it.”
Tarable: “They might even deny us the cheeseburgers all together! One time I was kicked out of a drivethru for cursing too much!”
Me: “SNORT”
Tarable: “I am not kidding!”
The window opens. It is the SAME fucking lady.
Tarable: “Oh! It is YOU again! Maybe we should have stayed at the other window … no!?”
DtB didn’t laugh.
Me: “OhhhhhhhhhhmyfuckingGODrightnow!”
Tarable: (to the DtB) “Thanks for the cheeseburgers, you were a PEACH.”
So we pull away.
Me: (finally pulling it together) “I cannot believe that you had the audacity to fucking get mad at this fucking lady. This is how you sounded. TWICE “Can I get 4 cheeseburgers, no onionIamoffone.” and then when she was confused, you spoke to her like she was slow … like it was HER fault.”
Tarable: “Well! Whatever! HAHAHAHA!”
Me: “I am totally blogging about this.”
The end. I love us. We are awesome. Like, e = MC AWESOME.
What 10 things make YOU happy today!?
Tags: blogawards, cheeseburger, tarable, that one fast food place, the pursuit of happiness
5 Days (or) I am Hungry (or) “You’re Next” (or) Randomosity
Jan 6, 2010 All Things X, DUH, Etc., Family, Masturbate-able, Parenting, Random, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, bitch
Hi. I was thinking of a topic for “Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s” but couldn’t think of a good one so instead I shall word vomit. (Hint: Give me some WHtW’s suggestions pleasenthx.)
I talked to D today after finally fucking having to gangster this non english speaking bitch on the other end of my phone. I fucking LOATHE customer service call centers. Especially the outsourcedtoanotherfuckingcountrytosavemoneyyetoursocietyisfuckingunemployedlikeamotherfucker ones.
Yep. I surely did go there.
Anyway, he and I had a conversation about how it was gonna go down. It = the very strategic process of him putting his penis in my vagina. It was quite the conversation. What I want to happen and what will actually happen are probably 2 completely different things. At least 5 days from now anyway. Truthfully, I just wanna marinate for like a fucking week with complete silence and penis in my vicinity but you and I both know that I have 2 mini terrorists in my house that are not interested in anything 1) silent and 2) what I want so we are gonna have to get in where we fit in. No pun intended.
I am hungry. I want some chocolate. Like an Oreo or some Ritter Sport. Actually, I just want anything in my mouth that shouldn’t be there. Including a cheeseburger and a taco salad and even an apple with peanut butter. Mmmmm. Since starting back on South Beach Phase 1, I forgot how fucking hard it is to stick to phase 1. Carbs are the motherfucking devil.
So today, Xavier was home from school for about an hour by himself. My sitter had to run an errand or so and was running a bit behind so I get this frantic call from him.
X: “Mom – uh – uh – the cat – uh – is – puking – and – you – didnt answer so – uh – I called the vet and then the neighbor and she wants to talk to you.”
Me: (fuuuuuuckreally?!) “Alright.”
Neighbor: “Hi, is everything okay? Does X have someone looking after him?”
Me: “Yes my sitter had an errand to run and there was some traffic so he is just home alone for about an hour. Thanks for checking up.”
Neighbor: “Okay … are you sure?”
Me: (FUCKIAMFINEBITCHGODGETOUTOFMYBUSINESS!!!!!!!!!) “Yep. We are all good!”
X: “I didnt know what to do. I am sorry!”
Me: “It is fine Xavier. Just get your chores done, okay?”
X: “Okay.”
15 minutes later, I check my phone because while on a pitch selling me some dang credits, I had 4 missed calls from my house. Tried calling. The phone is busy. So I check the VM I had.
Scratchy sound scratchy sound … “qssaggYOURENEXTwertwsgfs”
Click.
Insert me freaking the fuck out.
So I call back my house phone. Busy. I call my sitter.
Me: “Hi. Um. Did you make it back to my house?”
Her: “Yeah I am sitting in the living room… why?”
Me: “Is Xavier there?”
Her: “Yeaahhh…?”
Me: (realizing what happened.) “Put him on the phone.”
Her: “Okayyy…”
X: “Hello!”
Me: “Are you kidding me?”
X: “What?!”
Me: “You’re next!?!?!?!”
X: “Ohhh thaaat! You got my voicemail then.”
Me: “Yeah and I do not think that it is funny.”
X: “What? Why not?”
Me: “Um well lets start with the fact that you were home alone and I thought someone had snatched you up Xavier.”
X: “Ohhhhh … I didn’t think about thaaat.”
Me: “I could kill you for freaking me out like that!”
X: “Sorry.”
Are you fucking kidding me right now?! GAH. I will tell you that I am only mad as far as he is concerned right now until I get his little ass back, thanks to a kick ass recommendation. Yep. He is gonna be scared out of his mind.
*wickedcackle*
I cant reeeeeeeeeeally be mad though. I used to play hella pranks on my mom. As often as possible actually. Of course payback is a bitch. Offffffff course this is the “mothers curse”. I get it. It’s cool. We shall see who has the last laugh.
All I am saying is that in 5 days, I don’t want to hear word one about any of this shit for like … I dunno … 60 motherfucking days. The only thing I want to hear about is D’s face buried in my vagina until I can’t feel my own face due to an over abundance of O faces.
Ya diiiiiiiiiig?!
Tell me something funny. Something hilar has to have happened in your life over the past couple of weeks that I have missed.
Have you ever pulled any prank bullshit on your parents, or have you had any pulled on you?
Tags: ass whoopin, cunningulus, oreo, Parenting, prank, ritter sport
Decisions… Decisions…
Dec 14, 2009 DUH, Etc., Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Thoughts and Perceptions
Happy Motherfucking Monday. How was your weekend? Mine was … interesting to say the least.
This weekend got me thinking about how much of an impact 1 simple decision can have on everything you do.
Example:
My decision to not deal with D being gone. I made an unconscious decision to just fucking ignore it.
When I got there, it hit me. I haven’t missed someone so much in my whole life like I missed him on Friday night. My right side was vacant. My heart was heavy. I tried my damnedest to play it off but seeing everyone with their significant others stung. With each sting … I made the decision to drink more.
Before I knew it …
I acted like an asshole. I drank too much. I cried like a little girl. I got cut off at the bar for the first time in my whole life. I broke a glass. I forgot a lot of the evenings events. I then made a decision to drive home which then led me to the decision to pull over in some random parking lot and pass out.
Right?!
This decision also led to people worrying about me and that makes me sad. I am not the irresponsible one. Anyway, I woke up on Saturday and wanted to crawl into a hole and just disappear from the world.
What did I say? Who did I say it to? Did I do anything overly embarrassing?
Ahhh… decisions, decisions.
We all make decisions to or not to do things.
Do I make the decision to punch that new work bitch in her face?
Do I make the decision to eat that cheeseburger that I really want to eat?
Do I make the decision to … do that … ?
Because of one bad decision … It dominoed into all of that chaos above. So, now … I have decided to make the decision to stop acting like I am tough all of the time. Because apparently, I am not. I am making the decision to deal with it and not push it out of my mind anymore. Because the next bullshit that happens will be way worse. I know me. That whole business told me about myself.
So. Yeah. As always, I learn the motherfucking hard way.
Have you made any bad decisions lately? How have they affected everything else in your life?
If you could go back and change one decision … one that affected everything in your life … would you? Why or why not?
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Dec 11, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, DUH, Etc., Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, The Tarably Wicked Show, You've Got Wicked Mail
Happy Motherfucking Friday! Tonight is my department’s holiday party. I am super excited to get out of the office, out and about … and hang with the cool peeps that I work with.
With that said, it is the same this week as it was last week and the week before that … repeat. Purge your weekly frustrations out on this blog so that you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekends!
Dear Foot,
Really? I mean … R E A L L Y?!
I know that my putting you in stiletto’s on a daily basis for a minimum of 9 hours is maybe something that you might be spiteful for. But … completely giving out on me while in said heels?! While I was walking?! AT WORK NO LESS!?
Fuck. If that wasn’t bad enough, you brought my knee into the hate by scuffing it all up and leaving rug burn on it as if I were the star of some blow job themed porno. (I am not.)
All I am saying is a little warning would be nice.
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Dear Carol,
Thanks for the surprise phone call. I was so happy to have heard your voice today. Love you.
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To My Tarable,
I love you and I am sorry that you are dealing with yet another loss. I know you are trying to fake the “I’m okay” funk but I know you are hurting. Whatever you need … I am there.
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Dear Xavier,
I am proud of you for trying. You are not perfect and that is okay. We are gonna get you back on track. I promise.
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Dear Charli,
God I wish I could bring your daddy back. I know you miss him.
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Dear Vagina,
You are not allowed to take over my ability to make good decisions. No matter how hard you try to convince me. NOT ALLOWED.
Not even if the penis is platinum plated and cums diamonds. (Well maybe then. BUT ONLY THEN.)
K!?
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Dear DumbShit,
We are all so much better off now that you are gone. Like, SO.
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Dear You,
I just want to fucking SEE it.
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New Girl,
Um, you must not have had a conversation with Baby Jesus yet. Because if you had … He would have told you specifically that I am not the motherfucking one. And then you would have known not to 1) slow eye roll me when we ACCIDENTALLY bumped into one another … as if it was my fucking fault that your ass is too slow and also kind of as wide ass the doorway. 2) come to my area and try and tell me that I “actually sound good on the phone.” Um … is that supposed to be a compliment? Hello!? Have you ever in your life spoken to another person before in person? Because had you … you might have reconsidered approaching me with some bullshit like that. Because … um … I know that I sound good on the phone. There is no surprise there. Furthermore, you are new. I don’t need a god damn baby jesus bit of advice from some new fucking doormat personality bitch about how my pitch sounds.
Make it through 90 days of employment first. Then you can come to me with some words of wisdom. Until then, keep your commentary AND YOUR MOTHERFUCKING EYEROLLS to yourself.
Capeche?
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Annnnnnnnnnnnnd the Friday Eye Candy!
Boris Kodjoe. Um HELLO HOTTIE. My vagina loves and thanks you.
A classic hottie. Carmen Electra.
If you stumbled upon a genie in a bottle … what would your 3 wishes be? (You cannot wish for more wishes)
If you had a crystal ball … what or who would you look at in it?
Tags: boris kodjoe, carmen electra, eye candy, work, you've got mail
