‘Scuse Me … I Just Vomited In This Blog.
Aug 29, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, Etc., Fitness Forward, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, bitch
Today is as good a day as any to write a blog about things that have been 1) happening 2) not happening and 3) wandering around my thoughts like a transient.
Can you picture a transient with their backpack-on-a-stick in my head? Can ya?
What exactly is today though? Today is Friday. That is it. It is not a special day by any means. It is a Friday just like any other Friday. Instead of doing what I am supposed to be doing which is my job – I am sitting here pondering what this blog will discuss.
(by the time you are reading it though, it could very well be Sunday or Monday … but whatever.)
(Sorry K.A.)
Shit, this blog might turn in to more than one if it gets too lengthy. I may very well word vomit the fuck out of your eyes if I get a wild hair.
Don’t tempt me.
This brings me to my first thought: Should I even still blog here? It doesn’t seem like I have very many people interested in what I have to say anymore. Not that I necessarily blog for people specifically, but the commentary usually consists of 25% real comments 75% spam about a god damn vibrator website or something?
Hmmmmm … Are these spambots trying to tell me something?
Today I am wearing my fat pants. They are jeans that I haven’t worn in over a year because they were falling off of me. Literally. Not today. No way. They are quite fitted today and that actually sent me to tears over it this morning when I was looking in the mirror.
The reason behind me wearing my fat pants today might have a little something to do with the hand-to-mouth issue I have been having lately.
11PM chocolate doughnut in my mouth? Not helping.
Mashed potatoes? Not helping.
I cannot even remember all of the stupid stress/emotional/pitypartyaboutmyfatness eating I have done as of late but because of it I have gone backwards instead of forward. Now my cute clothes clothes don’t fit and I feel like shit.
So here I sit, wearing my fat pants feeling all crappy about it. And as I re-read this last thought, I am like “fuck should I really even write it? It sounds all whiny and pathetic to even be talking about it yet AGAIN. Maybe I should shut up and run my fat ass to the gym more than once in a blue moon.”
Or maybe I will do both.
Just because I fell off the wagon and picked up 10lbs along the way doesn’t mean that I cant catch back up to it and hop on.
Yeah to some it is “only 10lbs” or “you have picked up a little weight, it isn’t a big deal” but it is a lot of pounds and an even bigger deal to me. To me I can feel it from the inside out and I am not a fan. If I could find the central location of said 10lbs and click the dislike button on them I would.
That also means I am now 25 pounds from my goal. Damnit.
Moving on.
I have an opinion about specific people lately that I have spent a lot of energy keeping to myself. It is probably why there has been an absence in my blogs. Because there becomes a point where no matter how unsugarcoated and blunt I am … there is a line where too blunt could cause a rift in other peoples lives who have little to do with any of my opinions. One has to be careful when being blunt as an adult sometimes which I think is bullshit.
What I will say though is that I absolutely despise flakes. I think that Mrs. Good is my #1 advocate on this very subject actually. I am pretty sure that she could go on for hours about it if she had the time. The fact is flakiness = inconsideration for others. I am too old to have this lack of consideration in my life.
This is how non-flakiness is supposed to work:
Friend: “Lets make plans for Tuesday”
Other Friend: “Perfect! Give me a call when you have an idea what time you will be free!”
Friend: “For sure!!
Fast forward to Tuesday. What is supposed to happen is the friend is supposed to call the other friend. Why? Because that friend was the plan initiator. The other friend is the plan recipricator. The other friend goes about their business as any other Tuesday business would go. What actually happens is the friend never calls. Not to confirm or to cancel. The friend just lets the day come and go and thinks that it is okay.
Non-flakes call. They say things like “Man, I am so sorry that I cannot make it. I overbooked myself today. Can we reschedule?” How freaking simple is that? I am just wondering because fuck if people have no clue how to do this simple step.
Furthermore, there comes a point where people need to be held accountable for their actions. I will (reluctantly) be the first to admit when something is my bad. I will (force myself through gritted teeth) to apologize when I am wrong. What I will not do is try and let time pass and act as if just because 2 weeks passed, everything is now okay between me and someone else.
Lets not ignore the elephant in the room people. It is sitting right there. Say “how’d ya do!?” and keep it pushin.
Don’t come at me sideways because I sit on the elephants lap while you do the avoiding responsibility dance. Friend, family, co-worker … I don’t give a fuck. Own your shit. Or stay out of my life.
Ya digg?
Furthermore I would like to say the following to a certain couple of catty bloggers in the ’sphere: “Hate away bitches. Continue on with your high school mean girls ways. What is going to happen is this: You will come to a point where 1) people will get over your clique-y bullshit. 2) You will interact with some adults who will clown you to tears and let you and everyone else catty that is around you know what is up with your bullshit.
The bottom line is this. You may be all power trip queen of your metropolitan area, but you are not queen of the world. Your circle is not that big and I don’t give a fuck how tweet savvy you are. Karma is a bitch. Remember that.
Oh. And also, I really really really really want my long hair back. I am so sick of it being short that I could cry.
On that note, life is alright and I miss blogging but I need some people to make me feel like they want me to keep blogging here. Deal?
Name the one current event that has you fired up (in a good OR bad way) right now.
I Have an Addiction
Jul 26, 2010 Etc., Random, awesomeness
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd Hello.
It’s been awhile. I know. Don’t lose faith in my ability to pump a daily blog out. It will come back I swear it.
I am so freaking addicted to Craigslist, it isn’t even funny. Specifically: seattle craigslist > for sale / wanted > free stuff
Free! Who doesn’t like free? And even if I don’t see something that minute from refreshing the page that I absolutely must have … I still get a good laugh every once in awhile at the things people post for free.
Like:
Free tampons.
Free toilet, slightly used.
Free cow poop — you haul.
Free fish guts.
Free panties.
Another man’s junk … right? LMFAO.
Anyfree … I have scored some pretty rad stuff for free in the past couple of weeks!
A princess scooter for Charli
A patio set
A craft box with all kinds of goodies
A picnic set still in the box
If you are unaware of it … become aware. In this economy free is the new black and there is probably something out there that you just cannot afford that someone is willing to give up for free.
And I am addicted. To Craigslist as a whole … but the free shat is my favorite.
What is the one thing you cannot get enough of?
Have you scored anything super awesome off of Craigslist?
Tags: craigslist
All Over The Place OR Too Much Coffee
Jun 29, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Suck It!
I had too much coffee today. It is 11:40pm and I am still “blahblahblahblahblah” as if it were 5 in the evening.
Fuck. This is gonna be all over the place. Sorry in advance.
I also feel like yelling. Yelling about my book taking 347686344236455684663434678 days to get published so that people can buy it. Yelling at myself for getting in my own way. (yes it is possible to get in your own way.) Yelling at this one fucking person at work that thinks their shit doesn’t stink and could use to get knocked down 34 pegs but I can’t because apparently you will get fired for telling someone about themselves if another person doesn’t like you or some shit. Yelling out CREDITS! randomly in honor of my friend as if I had turrets syndrome or something.
CREDITS! See! I already feel better.
I also don’t give a fuck about Twilight. Wanna know what team I represent? TEAM AWESOME, THAT’S WHAT!
(sorry Danielle. I know you love it.)
Speaking of, I wanted to make a statement about assholes. (weird, I know)
I am so sick of people not taking responsibility for themselves. You can’t blame everyone for everything that goes wrong in your life. You just can’t. Eventually, you MUST own your part in how your life plays out.
Seriously.
“OMG. My boss fired me because I was late. It isn’t my fault I was late. Traffic (thathappenseveryday) was horrible and my kids (whoaresloweveryday) were slow out the door and my significant other (whoisadouchebageveryday) was being a douchebag. My boss is an asshole!”
“My life sucks. I have no money (becauseIcantkeepajobformorethan5months).”
“I was gonna be the next NFL STAR except I hurt my knee and now I am a drunk asshole at noon on a Tuesday!”
Seriously people. Stop blaming the world. Look in the mirror. I get that some of it is uncontrollable … but if you find yourself the victim half of your life or more … it might not be as uncontrollable as you think.
Pass it on.
K? K.
Furthermore. I have fallen off the healthy wagon. I am eating like crap. I can feel my body hating me. I have spiraled out of control! Stupid cheeseburgers and cookies. What the crap is going on?! I need to fix it.
Also. You! Are you there? You have been a lurker you SOB and I want to make sure you are here. Why? So I can tell you that I adore you and it wasn’t personal and I am sorry and I hate your face.
Lastly, I need some suggestions. What should I blog about? What would you like to see? What am I missing? Who should my eye candy’s be? I have a lot going on at work and what not so by the time I get home my brain is fried. Ya digg?
Also:
Bon Jovi or Poison?
NKOTB or Nsync?
SWV or Destiny’s Child?
Nas or JayZ?
Would you rather lick a sweaty arm pit or eat out of a bowl that had been puked in and not rinsed?
Oh. P.S. YOU.
The One Where I Feel Like An Asshole.
Jun 23, 2010 Current Events, Etc., Random, This Thing Called Marriage.
Sup?
Oh, and to switch it up a little …
Hey YOU!
Heh.
Anyway. This is the one where I feel like an asshole because I do and this is why.
For the past couple of years I have given myself a horrible reputation with D about misplacing my wedding ring. Not “misplacing” meaning I took it off at some random schmucks house and left it there “misplacing” … more like, I was hammered after the bar took off all of my jewelry including my wedding ring and forgot where I put it “misplacing”.
Get it?
Yeah. I am forgetful. I am aware of it. I forget conversations I have with Tarable from last Tuesday. It happens. Give me a break.
The bottom line is, my random “misplacements” are not on purpose and I freak the fuck out about it because I love the hell out of my wedding ring.
Or love (ed) it anyway.
The story begins on day 5 of no sleep in Austin. I am packed and ready to fly home to my family and work and life in Seattle. I averaged approximately 3-4 hours of sleep each night I was there, so if you are not aware of my need for MINIMUM of 7 hours to function properly… you might not fully grasp the level of delirious exhaustion that had begun to encompass my entire body.
I. Was. Done.
So I get to the airport, find a chair closest to the gate and pass the fuck out. To the point where I almost missed boarding. A nice gentleman woke me up after my name was called THREE times to make sure that I was not missing the final boarding call. I scramble to grab my crap and get my ass on the plane. I am pretty sure that I am still mostly asleep because 1) I passed the fuck back out and 2) I barely remember this happening.
As we were landing in Denver I woke up and was finally a part of civilization. At that point I looked down at my hand and realized … holy fuck where is my wedding ring?
Rewind the tape.
When I got to the airport, I realized that my hands were mfing swollen. Lack of water will do that to a bitch, especially when the most liquid consumed over the 5 day span was alcohol … my wedding ring was digging into my ring finger. It barely came off when I moved it to my pinkie.
My ring fell off at the terminal. Fuck. Really?
*insert me feeling like an asshole right.about.here*
I dug through my bag frantically. I checked my pockets, my boobs … (dont judge … I have stored many a valuable in my boobs okay?) I checked under the seats on the plane, hoping that it fell off there and not back in Austin. No luck.
My ring was gone. And it was totally my bad.
When I exited the plane, I immediately went to the SW ticket counter to see if they could call the airport and have them look. I was praying that someone picked it up and turned it in. The guy at the ticket counter knew I was an asshole by the way he looked at me.
“How could you ever have lost your wedding ring?” His wedding ring on his finger scolded me so tough that day. I wanted to snatch it off of his sausage finger and chuck it across the airport for taunting me so badly.
No one found it. was a human being with feelings and understanding of sentiment to do the right thing and turn my ring in.
I have mostly come to grips with the fact that it is gone, but a huge part of me hopes every morning that someone will call me and tell me that they have it and that they need an address to send it to.
It has been 10 days of nothing even resembling that call.
So I have to come to grips with the fact that I am an asshole and that my ring is gone. It hurts my feelings so bad that my ring finger is naked and I have no clue as to when I will be able to replace it with a ring that means just as much to me if not more than the one that is now probably sitting at a pawn shop all lonely and missing my finger as much as my finger misses it.
Have you ever lost something sentimentally valuable? Did you get it back?
Also, a question from D: “When is it acceptable to ask for oral from your partner, if ever?”
Tags: airport, austin texas, southwest airlines, wedding ring
The Bitch is Back Or A Catsup Blog
Jun 22, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., Friendship, Honest Tuesday's, Out of Wicked's Mouth
Yup. I said it. I have my ammo locked and loaded. It has been months since I was able or inspired to write every day and now I am ready.
I see that I had some fair-weather readers … my following dropped by about 30 people. Fuck you. Don’t come back. You are probably fair-weather friends too and I am not a fan of that.
So I went to Austin. It was ama.zing.
It was unexpectedly overwhelming for me. I had not ever been a bridesmaid before, so I was completely unaware of the responsibilities of being one. You know, having to be places at specific times and things. All of the weddings I had ever been in, I just had to show up for the reception … you know? 
It was also overwhelming because frankly, having that much love in such a small area is intense. I should have prepared myself. I am dealing with some personal changes where I am more aware of my personal space being invaded by others my three year old, etc. all of the time and I am more and more interested in keeping that space to myself as much as possible. I am finding myself less interested in being touched or anything remotely resembling you being in my space.
Is that weird? (I don’t even know why I am asking this. I really don’t give a fuck if it is weird. Bottom line: geoufmyspacealready)
Regardless, there is one thing about my life that makes me happiest, other than my family. That is that I have (for the most part) an amazing group of people around me. Finally. It was an amazing thing to let 2 and a half years lapse and still feel (for the most part) the exact same way that I did then about my ladies. Even more happy is that 2 pretty special ladies in my life were exactly how I hoped they would be and we bonded exactly like I hoped we would bond.
Austin solidified many friendships. New ones and old ones that needed to be re-solidified. If that makes sense. That is a good feeling.
When I look back at specific moments from that trip, I am reminded of the fact that we all kinda just love each other. Unconditionally. Who has that kind of love anymore?
I know, right?
It seems like in this day and age, everyone’s love comes with a condition attached to it. Like “I will love you forever but you need to always have money or I am out.” Or “I vow to love you as long as you do this and this and this for me.” Even “Our love is eternal. But if you get sick, I have to leave you after fucking some other sap behind your back.”
I am not a fan of this. I am a fan of communicating with a person. Expressing feelings and frustrations. I am also a fan of being heard. And respected. And understood. I am a big fan of working out differences and not holding a grudge (most of the time). That is what true friendship is all about, isn’t it?
So, I look back to my trip and thank God every day that I was able to make it and that I am fortunate enough to have so many different forms of awesomeness surrounding me … and that most all of them made it there to celebrate the wedding of my soul sister.
Blogged about Austin: Check.
Moving on.
Kids. I have them.
They are doing pretty freaking great … Xavier had his art featured in a community art festival over Father’s Day weekend which is super awesome. Charli is … a brat and a half but so smart. She is a potty hater and really enjoys bossing everyone around as much as possible.
X is now out of school. D may or may not be on the verge of losing his mind … and it isn’t even the end of the first week with the both of them home. All day. Together. Terrorizing each other. Endlessly.
I need ideas of crap for them to do. Seriously. Projects. Crafts. Activities. Anything. Or, I am going to come home and each child will be hung upside down in opposite corners by their toes and D will be in another corner, rocking back and forth with his ears covered in sheer agony of this summer boredom situation.
Some things I have come up with are:
Make your own candy necklaces.
Sock puppets
Handprint rainbows
Scavenger hunts
Alright: GO!
Blogging about kids: Check Check.
Work is … work.
I can’t really go into the details of it but if I could wish for a different situation than the one that is present … I would. Ya digg?
Also the book publishing is taking forever. I am working on getting everything finalized and ready for purchase. Thanks for being patient.
Blogged about work and book: Check Check Check
I will have a more coherent blog with extra purpose tomorrow. I might talk a lot about the oil spill, so stay tuned. ( I am lying. That is the last motherfucking thing I want to blog about. If you want to read about that, try CNN.com. Just saying )
Oh. Would you rather have someone tell you the truth or lie to spare your feelings. Be honest about this one. Don’t stroke me just because you THINK I might want to hear you say “truth”.
Oh. And for YOU. Heh.
Tags: austin texas, awesomeness, cnn, Friendship, love, oil spill, weddings, you
Stupid.
May 3, 2010 Current Events, DUH, Etc., Random, Ranteriffic
Stupid is a great word.
You can use it in many different contexts.
Also, It is not considered a curse word either so really I could call a bitch fucking stupid without saying the word “fucking” in a public place and it be perfectly okay.
Furthermore, it makes me happy to utter the word.
Stupid.
Is that odd?
Whatever. You are stupid if you think it is.
Tarable is stupid.
But Tarable says that *I* am stupid.
But really she is the stupid one.
So is Kim. Kim is hella stupid.
Asshole cowards who don’t tell people the truth instead they lead them on are stupid.
Anyway, if your name is Ken Adams then you are also stupid.
If you don’t like my blog today then you are stupid too.
Those one bitches at the bar are stupid. You know the ones.
People who look like they are going to the club while working out at the gym are fucking stuuuuuuupid.
The end.
What do YOU think is stupid?
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Apr 22, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, In It To Gym It, P.O.E. Biz, You've Got Wicked Mail
YO! Happy MotherTruckin’ Friday people!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekend!
Yeah … so …
Dear Non-Owner,
I am not even mad that you didn’t allow me to get a word in. I am not mad that you punked your husband after he was 100% sold on it. What I am mad is that 1) you have no idea that you robbed your family of another week of vacation 2) that you are so ignorant … that you will never have an appreciation of the fact that my job is to HELP you and not SWINDLE you and 3) you hung up in my face.
When you throw the THOUSANDS of dollars in your yard in the form of this wedding and honeymoon for your daughter and then light in on fire … please take a picture and send it to me because I would like to use your stupidity as an example in the future.
I bet you think you are soooooooooooo fucking gangster. You have another thing coming. In the long run, you are just an ignorant coward.
I pity you.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Tarable,
I big fat love you.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Gym,
———————————————————————————————————
Dear KenAdams,
I want to stab you in the eye.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Beeeeeeyotch,
Is your finger broken? Pick up the motherfucking phone and dial me back. This is VM #3.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear State of Washington,
I want to stab you in the eye.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Whateverisgoingonwithmerightnow.
Seriously?
Get through the changes and lets move on already. You are throwing a wrench in all that is good in the world of Wicked. Really? I think I can speak for everyone involved when I say that “Over It” is an understatement.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Squishy,
The Muy Importante was the following: (of course it is in list form)
1) You are beautiful
2) I miss you
3) I love you
and
4) I just wanna be near you. Regularly.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Girls Trip,
Wahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
———————————————————————————————————
Dear _____
I wish that sometimes, you would listen more.
———————————————————————————————————
And Now for some MUCH needed Eye Candy:
Sexy Soldiers:
And you KNOW I had to throw some Tom Cruise in Top Gun up in here:
And the Sexy Ms. Berry … Ms. Berry …
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd there you have it.
You all know the drill by now. Come. Purge your week long bullshit in Open Letter Form so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekend.
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, halle berry, tom cruise
Kinda Like Egg Beaters … But Not.
Apr 20, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., I Forgot to Tag, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Sex
I have words that are favorite words.
For instance, the word “Dickbeater”. Who knows what a dickbeater is?
Lemme draw you a picture. (No really I am drawing it.)
Damn. I should win an award for this illustration.
A dickbeater is a hand.
I.E.
As I was coming around the corner yesterday, my boss (referred to as mom) is elbow deep in my trail mix on my desk.
Me: “WTF! Get your dickbeaters out of my trail mix!”
Mom: “Dickbeaters?!”
Me: (throwing up my hands) “Yeah … diiiiiiiiiiickbeaters!”
Mom: “Really?!”
Me: “Yup.”
For the rest of the night, dickbeaters was the word of the day.
“What are you doing?”
“Oh nothing, just rubbing my dickbeaters all over your face.”
“Hey MOM (boss) look! My dickbeaters are cupping your drink!”
“Are those dickbeaters dialing the phone right now?”
“Get your dickbeaters off of me right now!”
See! Find a situation, and the word dickbeater will fit right in. It is applicable in almost every context.
“I would totally help you right now, but I have my dickbeaters full.”
“Sorry, my dickbeaters are tied in this situation.”
“I just love it when we hold dickbeaters.”
“Can I have your daughters dickbeater in marriage?”
“Man. She has such pretty dickbeaters!”
“The dickbeater that rocks the cradle”
Furthermore, I love my job and the people I work with. I also love my friends and my kids and my husband.
That is all I got. It is 12:30, I am tired, loaded and well … my dickbeaters are full right now. I need some sleep.
You go. Use dickbeater in a sentence.
Had you ever heard the word dickbeater before today?
Tags: beater, dick, dickbeater. egg beater.
Mum’s The Word
Apr 19, 2010 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, DUH, Etc., Family, Fitness Forward, Friendship, In It To Gym It, Random, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage.
I am tired and cranky and stressed and chaotic. I don’t have much to say that I haven’t already said eleventy million times, so clicky over to In It To Gym It and read some of the kick ass posts on healthy living, weight loss, etc etc.
You might find that you learn a little bit. Just saying.
Also I am counting the days until June. What is in June? you ask all impatient-like.
Well. I am glad you asked.
1) June is my birthday … which means that
2) June is Marilyn Monroe’s birthday … it also means that in
3) June I am going on a very special trip to a very special place for a very special reason … where I will share the month of
4) June with one of my sisters and soon to be brother for their
5) June wedding anniversary. Another June wedding anniversary would be
6) Henrysan’s and he also is a Gemini which is double awesome.
Furthermore, June is mostly the month of Gemini business. Gemini’s rule, the rest of you other horiscopers drool except for Aquarius’s and Aries’s and Scorpio’s because
1) D is an Aquarius and he controls the pehnis … and also
2) Carol is an Aquarius (they share the same b-day) … and she is a mom and
3) So is Rachael and she is not only an Aquarius but she is also a mom and
3) My mom is an Aries and she birthed me … so I have to give her props just like
4) Tara is a Scorpio and I ride with her to work every day so if she doesn’t get a mention then she might punch me in the eye.
Don’t get all butthurt if you didn’t get an astrological shout out. Even my kids were excluded. Annnnnnd my dad. So geoverit. K? K.
That is that. Except that:
1) I am hosting an ONLINE ONLY Tupperware party and would love it if you at least looked at the products offered. If you
2) attend, you get an entry in the raffle for the host gift and credit (that is earned if the party is big enough) and
3) if you purchase, you get another entry in the raffle and of course
4) if you refer someone you get yet ANOTHER entry in the raffle and last but not least
5) if your referral purchases products, you not only get another entry in the raffle, but you get to pick 1 item (up to $25 in value) absolutely free!
Interested? What is the worst that could happen? You RSVP yes, and then win some free shit. Wow. So tough. Email me if you wanna play or if you have peeps who wanna play. K? K.: wickedcourtni@gmail.com annnnnnnnd my online website
What is your sign? Are the readings about your sign accurate?
Are you a Tupperware virgin? If not, what is your favorite Tupperware product?
Tags: aquarius, astrology, gemini, horoscope, scorpio, squishisgettingmarriedandthismakesmereallyexcited, tupperware
Honest Tuesday’s: I’ve Got Friends in Low Places …
Apr 12, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., Friendship, Honest Tuesday's, Relationships, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms
Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place where you can come and be totally honest about shit that you normally would not be honest about.
… she made me laugh. we met through mutual friends, and I thought she would always be my friend. Instead she told lies behind my back about me.
… who said she would keep my secrets. She didn’t.
… who said the same and didn’t.
… she used to care about others. Now she only cares about herself.
… is more than my friend. She is my other half.
… who bends over backwards for his friends. He is one of the best friends I have ever had.
… that I just reconnected with after many years. She is turning out to be one of my best friends. Again.
… in the 8th grade who got caught shoplifting and got mad at me because I got away. She stopped being my friend after that.
… whom I cant find. We were in the navy together…. and we lost touch. I miss her.
… who fucked my first husband before during and after our marriage. I caught her in the act. Them actually. I beat her ass to a pulp. Naked in his front lawn. Jerry Springer styles.
… is brutally honest. Sometimes it pisses me off, but she is always honest with me.
…who is a coward. She cant tell me to my face what she thinks of me. Instead, she’d rather talk shit behind my back to people who she knows will tell me.
… who I secretly would make out with. Or is it a secret?
… that asked me to be a part of her wedding. She is the first person to ever ask me. I am not sure if she knows exactly how much it means to me.
… she is literally out of her fucking mind. but I love her crazy ass.
… that I wish made me more of a priority.
… she is my soul sister. The plane she happened to be on that picked me up is proof of that.
… who is fucking selfish. Selfish and doesn’t listen for shit. I cant figure out to this day why I still even talk to her. So maybe I won’t anymore.
… her life is perfect. She shits rose petals and she walks on water. (so she says) really… she is a half ass mother, her shit smells like her breath… and she treads in the shit more often than most normal people.
… she smiles as much as possible. Her smile radiates a room. It is so beaming, you can see it through the phone when you talk to her. She is literally a ray of sunshine.
… she aint as tough as she would like folks to think she is. 
… I know that I will love her when we are 90 and doing laps around Factoria Mall.
… she could possibly be the fakest bitch on the planet. Fake like Pamela Anderson’s tits. It is quite pathetic that she claims to be a “good christian”… all the while she really is just a pathetic excuse for a fake judgmental alcoholic bitch.
… she drinks to much.
… I want to hump all 4 of their faces off.
… and her tits are hot. Also, if she calls her teeny ass fat one more fucking time, I am going to tie her up and make her eat lard with a spoon so I can show her what “fat” really is. *coughtoricough*
… she is afraid to tell me how she feels.
… I am jealous of her confidence.
… we used to dislike each other very much. Now he is one of my closest friends.
… who I wish I were a better friend to.
… who is a liar. I just cannot prove it.
… she wont ever admit she is wrong. Ever. Even when the facts prove how wrong she really is.
Your turn.
Crunchy tacos or soft tacos?
What are your top 5 movies of all time?
Tags: factoria mall, Friendship, jerry springer, pamela anderson
