The Bitch is Back Or A Catsup Blog
Jun 22, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., Friendship, Honest Tuesday's, Out of Wicked's Mouth
Yup. I said it. I have my ammo locked and loaded. It has been months since I was able or inspired to write every day and now I am ready.
I see that I had some fair-weather readers … my following dropped by about 30 people. Fuck you. Don’t come back. You are probably fair-weather friends too and I am not a fan of that.
So I went to Austin. It was ama.zing.
It was unexpectedly overwhelming for me. I had not ever been a bridesmaid before, so I was completely unaware of the responsibilities of being one. You know, having to be places at specific times and things. All of the weddings I had ever been in, I just had to show up for the reception … you know? 
It was also overwhelming because frankly, having that much love in such a small area is intense. I should have prepared myself. I am dealing with some personal changes where I am more aware of my personal space being invaded by others my three year old, etc. all of the time and I am more and more interested in keeping that space to myself as much as possible. I am finding myself less interested in being touched or anything remotely resembling you being in my space.
Is that weird? (I don’t even know why I am asking this. I really don’t give a fuck if it is weird. Bottom line: geoufmyspacealready)
Regardless, there is one thing about my life that makes me happiest, other than my family. That is that I have (for the most part) an amazing group of people around me. Finally. It was an amazing thing to let 2 and a half years lapse and still feel (for the most part) the exact same way that I did then about my ladies. Even more happy is that 2 pretty special ladies in my life were exactly how I hoped they would be and we bonded exactly like I hoped we would bond.
Austin solidified many friendships. New ones and old ones that needed to be re-solidified. If that makes sense. That is a good feeling.
When I look back at specific moments from that trip, I am reminded of the fact that we all kinda just love each other. Unconditionally. Who has that kind of love anymore?
I know, right?
It seems like in this day and age, everyone’s love comes with a condition attached to it. Like “I will love you forever but you need to always have money or I am out.” Or “I vow to love you as long as you do this and this and this for me.” Even “Our love is eternal. But if you get sick, I have to leave you after fucking some other sap behind your back.”
I am not a fan of this. I am a fan of communicating with a person. Expressing feelings and frustrations. I am also a fan of being heard. And respected. And understood. I am a big fan of working out differences and not holding a grudge (most of the time). That is what true friendship is all about, isn’t it?
So, I look back to my trip and thank God every day that I was able to make it and that I am fortunate enough to have so many different forms of awesomeness surrounding me … and that most all of them made it there to celebrate the wedding of my soul sister.
Blogged about Austin: Check.
Moving on.
Kids. I have them.
They are doing pretty freaking great … Xavier had his art featured in a community art festival over Father’s Day weekend which is super awesome. Charli is … a brat and a half but so smart. She is a potty hater and really enjoys bossing everyone around as much as possible.
X is now out of school. D may or may not be on the verge of losing his mind … and it isn’t even the end of the first week with the both of them home. All day. Together. Terrorizing each other. Endlessly.
I need ideas of crap for them to do. Seriously. Projects. Crafts. Activities. Anything. Or, I am going to come home and each child will be hung upside down in opposite corners by their toes and D will be in another corner, rocking back and forth with his ears covered in sheer agony of this summer boredom situation.
Some things I have come up with are:
Make your own candy necklaces.
Sock puppets
Handprint rainbows
Scavenger hunts
Alright: GO!
Blogging about kids: Check Check.
Work is … work.
I can’t really go into the details of it but if I could wish for a different situation than the one that is present … I would. Ya digg?
Also the book publishing is taking forever. I am working on getting everything finalized and ready for purchase. Thanks for being patient.
Blogged about work and book: Check Check Check
I will have a more coherent blog with extra purpose tomorrow. I might talk a lot about the oil spill, so stay tuned. ( I am lying. That is the last motherfucking thing I want to blog about. If you want to read about that, try CNN.com. Just saying )
Oh. Would you rather have someone tell you the truth or lie to spare your feelings. Be honest about this one. Don’t stroke me just because you THINK I might want to hear you say “truth”.
Oh. And for YOU. Heh.
Tags: austin texas, awesomeness, cnn, Friendship, love, oil spill, weddings, you
Petty FTW!
May 4, 2010 All Things Charli, All Things X, DUH, Family, Parenting, Random, Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., pillow talk
Apparently, I am petty. 
)
I am perfectly okay with it when it is an innocent pettiness. Not sure what I mean?
Last night, D and I were in discussion about seriousness and shit.
(i.e.)
Me : “turn that mothereffing light off!”
D : “how am I going to see what lotion to use at the right time?”
Me : “really?!?!”
Anyway, we were chatting about how spoiled Charli is and how easy Xavier was at his age. (I swear that child was born with an auto pilot switch.)
I was making the point (FTW might I add) that Charli was spoiled from conception and that if her didn’t already know, she, like me will always simply do it the way she wants. Whatever you say to deter her from doing it will only solidify the nail in the coffin of her doing it her way.
Case in point? Moi.
Me: “look. You might as well get used to having 2 bitches in your life that just do what they wanna do. Because she is as god damned defiant as I am only she is 2 years old.”
D: “you are pretty defiant.”
Me: “duh. The trick is to make her think that *she* is the one actually making the decision.”
D: (nothin because DUH this convo is a WIN for me and he no likey when I win)
Me: “like in the kitchen when you try and look over my shoulder and give me cooking tips. I don’t need your input. I am gonna stir clockwise if that is what I wanna do. Even if you think counterclockwise is the more efficient way.”
D: (laughing)
Me: ” or like when you try and tell me to go a certain way because *you* think it is the faster or better way. I am not gonna go that way.”
D: “why not? If it is faster?”
Me: “doesn’t matter. If I concede and go your way then you win. You already win too much. I gotta get in where I fit in.”
D: “you bitch.”
Me: “yep. That is how my brain operates.”
D: “that is so petty. And stubborn. You go through all of that *just* to win?”
Me: “yep. And now there are 2 of us.”
D: “welcome to the jungle.”
*fist pump @ this blog* because it is awesome.
What is your favorite 80’s song?
Do you remember the first music video you ever watched?
Tags: marriage, Parenting, welcome to the jungle
Stupid.
May 3, 2010 Current Events, DUH, Etc., Random, Ranteriffic
Stupid is a great word.
You can use it in many different contexts.
Also, It is not considered a curse word either so really I could call a bitch fucking stupid without saying the word “fucking” in a public place and it be perfectly okay.
Furthermore, it makes me happy to utter the word.
Stupid.
Is that odd?
Whatever. You are stupid if you think it is.
Tarable is stupid.
But Tarable says that *I* am stupid.
But really she is the stupid one.
So is Kim. Kim is hella stupid.
Asshole cowards who don’t tell people the truth instead they lead them on are stupid.
Anyway, if your name is Ken Adams then you are also stupid.
If you don’t like my blog today then you are stupid too.
Those one bitches at the bar are stupid. You know the ones.
People who look like they are going to the club while working out at the gym are fucking stuuuuuuupid.
The end.
What do YOU think is stupid?
If I Were A Business
Apr 28, 2010 Current Events, DUH, Ranteriffic, Wicked Wisdoms, bitch
I am a consumer. A buyer. I want what I want, and when I set my mind to purchasing whatever it is that I want to purchase… I want it now.
It goes back to the little teeny bit of Veruca Salt inside of me.
When I make a decision to buy something, be it a camera or a pair of shoes or a tanning package, I require the same criteria:
1) The seller is nice to me.
2) No matter if I am scrubby or dolled, I am treated as if I have eleventy million dollars in my pocket.
3) I am made to feel somewhat important.
4) The seller is knowledgeable in the product I am purchasing.
It goes across the board. I will not buy a motherfucking breath of air from you if I am blue in the face from lack of oxygen if you are not on your game. I will walk out the door and spend the latter part of my life looking for the exact same product AND I will gladly pay more money strictly because of principal.
Furthermore, I will not refer business.
It frustrates me to no end when I reach out, as a consumer, and I am blown off.
This recently happened to me. Do you remember the impatient haircutting incident from earlier this week? Yeah. I am still waiting to hear from a potential stylist. I emailed her on Sunday. And again yesterday.
Guess what? I am going to happily pay double on Saturday for another stylist to cut my hair. Yup. Annnnnnnnd I am going to refer her services out to as many people as possible.
Take that nonresponsivestylist! You just lost at least 5 repeat customers.
Do the motherfucking math.
What kind of consumer are you?
What is the worst buying situation you have been a part of?
People Say The ‘Funniest’ Shit?
Apr 27, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love
So the other day we are sitting in our daily meeting.
The craziest broad on the planet (no really, she is crazy as hell, i.e. her Hello Kitty obsession, jumping shoes, weird hoarding and insane to the membrane clothes. If I could take a picture of her insanity, I totally would.) starts to describe her encounter with local law enforcement to us.
Boss: “Hey Crazy Broad! Tell us what happened to you on your way to work today!”
Crazy Broad: “Ohhhhhhhh yeah, I was pulled over on my way to work by this crazy DIKE bitch!”
The air was literally sucked out of the room for about 5 seconds.
I mean, are you fucking kidding me right now? In a corporate setting? In any setting really but in a CORPORATE setting? In front of 35 co-workers, ONE of them being the bestest and prettiest lesbians I know? (actually she is the bestest and prettiest because she is the bestest and prettiest … not because she is a lesbian.)
I know that I am inappropriate, but that is crossing so many lines that it is silly.
It makes me wonder.
How did she know she was in fact a lesbian? Did the cop attempt to solicit a carpet munching session in lieu of receiving a ticket? What if this aforementioned 5-0 was actually a total homophobe?!
What if the law enforcement officer was a black lesbian? Would she have still said the same thing? Or would she have thrown the race card into it?
How did she know she was crazy? Did she have proof? Did the po-po freak out on her all exorcist style or something? Was this local slice of bacon wearing a straight jacket? Maybe it is that it takes a crazy to know a crazy?
*shrug*
And then I wonder how often we (and I say we because I totally mean me too) totally use these disrespectful slangs toward others behind closed doors. Things that we normally would not say in a group as large as the group whom I work with?
I wonder how she would feel if someone blurted out that she was a crazy negrogookspiccrackerwhopjewhomo in the middle of our meeting?
I wonder how many people don’t even realize how hurtful these things are to say? Including myself?
I dunno. It made me aware. Maybe we should be a teensy bit more conscious of how our words affect other peoples feelings.
*shrug* … Just a thought …
Fill in the blanks:
My favorite time of day is _______________________.
I wish that I could go ____________________.
I should have ______________ yesterday.
I is for Impatient *or* I am Veruca Salt
Apr 25, 2010 Current Events, DUH, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Random
Have you ever met me?
I am probably the most impatient person on the planet. Especially when I get my mind set on something that I want or want to do. Or when it comes to irritation levels. It is pretty easy to get on my fucking last nerve. And when I am on a mission, please do not get in my way. I might cut you.
I am an impatient mom. I feel guilty about this fact, but it is who I am. I make a conscious effort to be more patient with my kids, however it is what it is. They get on my nerves, and then D comes in to save the day like a parent superhero. He can see on my face when the brim of patience is overfull.
I am an impatient driver. Get out of my way. I am in the car to get to a specific place. Point A to Point B. Not to lollygag at 55 on the motherfucking freeway.
My mom used to always tell me “Patience is a virtue”. I say fuck patience right in the ear. I don’t want to be patient. I want what I want when I want it. The end.
Where does this come from? I made the decision to cut my hair off. Like 3 days ago. Now, I am waiting to have it done. I hate waiting. I don’t want to wait. I want to do it now. NOW.
This is what I am gonna do:
Except brunette. I will never do blonde again. (Did you know that I was born a blonde? Weird, right?)
I love it. I want it to be on my head right now. N O W I say!!!
So that is that. I am impatient and I want my hair cut this instant. The End.
How was your weekend?
Are you patient or impatient?
Have you ever won a trophy? What for?
Tags: blonde, brunette, gweneth paltrow, impatience, patience, patience is a virtue
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Apr 22, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, In It To Gym It, P.O.E. Biz, You've Got Wicked Mail
YO! Happy MotherTruckin’ Friday people!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekend!
Yeah … so …
Dear Non-Owner,
I am not even mad that you didn’t allow me to get a word in. I am not mad that you punked your husband after he was 100% sold on it. What I am mad is that 1) you have no idea that you robbed your family of another week of vacation 2) that you are so ignorant … that you will never have an appreciation of the fact that my job is to HELP you and not SWINDLE you and 3) you hung up in my face.
When you throw the THOUSANDS of dollars in your yard in the form of this wedding and honeymoon for your daughter and then light in on fire … please take a picture and send it to me because I would like to use your stupidity as an example in the future.
I bet you think you are soooooooooooo fucking gangster. You have another thing coming. In the long run, you are just an ignorant coward.
I pity you.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Tarable,
I big fat love you.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Gym,
———————————————————————————————————
Dear KenAdams,
I want to stab you in the eye.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Beeeeeeyotch,
Is your finger broken? Pick up the motherfucking phone and dial me back. This is VM #3.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear State of Washington,
I want to stab you in the eye.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Whateverisgoingonwithmerightnow.
Seriously?
Get through the changes and lets move on already. You are throwing a wrench in all that is good in the world of Wicked. Really? I think I can speak for everyone involved when I say that “Over It” is an understatement.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Squishy,
The Muy Importante was the following: (of course it is in list form)
1) You are beautiful
2) I miss you
3) I love you
and
4) I just wanna be near you. Regularly.
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Girls Trip,
Wahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
———————————————————————————————————
Dear _____
I wish that sometimes, you would listen more.
———————————————————————————————————
And Now for some MUCH needed Eye Candy:
Sexy Soldiers:
And you KNOW I had to throw some Tom Cruise in Top Gun up in here:
And the Sexy Ms. Berry … Ms. Berry …
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd there you have it.
You all know the drill by now. Come. Purge your week long bullshit in Open Letter Form so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekend.
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, halle berry, tom cruise
Kinda Like Egg Beaters … But Not.
Apr 20, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., I Forgot to Tag, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Sex
I have words that are favorite words.
For instance, the word “Dickbeater”. Who knows what a dickbeater is?
Lemme draw you a picture. (No really I am drawing it.)
Damn. I should win an award for this illustration.
A dickbeater is a hand.
I.E.
As I was coming around the corner yesterday, my boss (referred to as mom) is elbow deep in my trail mix on my desk.
Me: “WTF! Get your dickbeaters out of my trail mix!”
Mom: “Dickbeaters?!”
Me: (throwing up my hands) “Yeah … diiiiiiiiiiickbeaters!”
Mom: “Really?!”
Me: “Yup.”
For the rest of the night, dickbeaters was the word of the day.
“What are you doing?”
“Oh nothing, just rubbing my dickbeaters all over your face.”
“Hey MOM (boss) look! My dickbeaters are cupping your drink!”
“Are those dickbeaters dialing the phone right now?”
“Get your dickbeaters off of me right now!”
See! Find a situation, and the word dickbeater will fit right in. It is applicable in almost every context.
“I would totally help you right now, but I have my dickbeaters full.”
“Sorry, my dickbeaters are tied in this situation.”
“I just love it when we hold dickbeaters.”
“Can I have your daughters dickbeater in marriage?”
“Man. She has such pretty dickbeaters!”
“The dickbeater that rocks the cradle”
Furthermore, I love my job and the people I work with. I also love my friends and my kids and my husband.
That is all I got. It is 12:30, I am tired, loaded and well … my dickbeaters are full right now. I need some sleep.
You go. Use dickbeater in a sentence.
Had you ever heard the word dickbeater before today?
Tags: beater, dick, dickbeater. egg beater.
Mum’s The Word
Apr 19, 2010 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, DUH, Etc., Family, Fitness Forward, Friendship, In It To Gym It, Random, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage.
I am tired and cranky and stressed and chaotic. I don’t have much to say that I haven’t already said eleventy million times, so clicky over to In It To Gym It and read some of the kick ass posts on healthy living, weight loss, etc etc.
You might find that you learn a little bit. Just saying.
Also I am counting the days until June. What is in June? you ask all impatient-like.
Well. I am glad you asked.
1) June is my birthday … which means that
2) June is Marilyn Monroe’s birthday … it also means that in
3) June I am going on a very special trip to a very special place for a very special reason … where I will share the month of
4) June with one of my sisters and soon to be brother for their
5) June wedding anniversary. Another June wedding anniversary would be
6) Henrysan’s and he also is a Gemini which is double awesome.
Furthermore, June is mostly the month of Gemini business. Gemini’s rule, the rest of you other horiscopers drool except for Aquarius’s and Aries’s and Scorpio’s because
1) D is an Aquarius and he controls the pehnis … and also
2) Carol is an Aquarius (they share the same b-day) … and she is a mom and
3) So is Rachael and she is not only an Aquarius but she is also a mom and
3) My mom is an Aries and she birthed me … so I have to give her props just like
4) Tara is a Scorpio and I ride with her to work every day so if she doesn’t get a mention then she might punch me in the eye.
Don’t get all butthurt if you didn’t get an astrological shout out. Even my kids were excluded. Annnnnnd my dad. So geoverit. K? K.
That is that. Except that:
1) I am hosting an ONLINE ONLY Tupperware party and would love it if you at least looked at the products offered. If you
2) attend, you get an entry in the raffle for the host gift and credit (that is earned if the party is big enough) and
3) if you purchase, you get another entry in the raffle and of course
4) if you refer someone you get yet ANOTHER entry in the raffle and last but not least
5) if your referral purchases products, you not only get another entry in the raffle, but you get to pick 1 item (up to $25 in value) absolutely free!
Interested? What is the worst that could happen? You RSVP yes, and then win some free shit. Wow. So tough. Email me if you wanna play or if you have peeps who wanna play. K? K.: wickedcourtni@gmail.com annnnnnnnd my online website
What is your sign? Are the readings about your sign accurate?
Are you a Tupperware virgin? If not, what is your favorite Tupperware product?
Tags: aquarius, astrology, gemini, horoscope, scorpio, squishisgettingmarriedandthismakesmereallyexcited, tupperware
Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better!
Apr 11, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., Friendship, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Ranteriffic, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy Mothereffing Monday Peeps!
How was your weekend? Mine was rad. I spent time with my D and my kids and my friends … some old and some new. As much as I hate people, within the past few months I have been surrounded by awesome new friends.
Saturday night, we went to a friends house to celebrate his birthday. As with all house parties … there are a few regular “types” of people.
The Douchebag. You know him. He is too drunk and all up in everyone’s face, thinking he knows something about everything and everyone. He will challenge you. He will test every fiber of your patience. He is annoying. He is a bugaboo. He usually is related to someone so you cant ever not invite him without it being a BFD.
The Drunk Slut. Yup. I am sorry (not really) in advance if this is you. She usually is not cute until you have had 3-5 beers/shots. She *thinks* she is the hottest fucking thing on the planet. She flirts with husbands, boyfriends, fiances and single men. She talks shit about all of her “competition”. (i.e. any bitch cuter and more awesome than she is)
The Clingy Broad. She came with a friend of a friend who had since ditched her and now she is following you and all of your friends around the party like a mangled lost little puppy dog. She laughs too loud at shit that is not that funny. She tries to be funny … and really, the only thing funny is to make fun of her stupid ass.
One type of party goer … is more of an endangered species. A rare form of asshole that is seen only once in a blue moon.
This type of person emerges when its tiny little form of “manhood” is tested by something far more awesome than it is.
Example: Saturday night. D, Tarable, Kim and I show up at the parlay ready to get down.
Before I will go into it, let me preface this with the fact that I LOATHE talking about work when I am not at work unless it is a work function. And even then. When I am kickin’ it … getofmyfaceaboutthepoebiz. Also, I am not a braggart. You and I both know that I am awesome, so there is zero need to broadcast it to everyone.
Ya digg?
Anyway, within 10 minutes, we were approached by fuckers who thought it to be important to start competing with us. About work. A few comments pissed me off and riled me up a great deal. I said my piece (duh) … but today, after thinking about it, it simply made me glad that me and the people who I work with/associate with simply are not that way.
It is tacky and douche-y and childish.
I don’t need to play the “Anything you can do I can do better … I can do anything better than you” game. Because bottom line: It is a horrible display of character. Anyone who needs to make people feel like shit for any success … is a piece of shit in my book. And I am not one to voluntarily associate with pieces of shit.
So for the record: I don’t give a fuck. Period. If you are a better salesperson or any other kind of person than I am, fantastic. But if you think that trying to rub the news of it in my face is going to gain any sort of respect from me, you are sadly motherfucking mistaken. Furthermore, if you have to be “that guy” …. then I am pretty sure that you suck.
Oh. And one other thing. You don’t fucking know me. So keep my name out of your motherfucking mouth.
Kraft Mac & Cheese OR Velveeta Shells & Cheese?
Name Something:
wonderful
weird
wild
wrong
warm
weak
white
wet
Tags: anything you can do i can do better, kraft mac n cheese, place of employment, velveeta shells and cheese
