YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Feb 25, 2010 All Things Charli, All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail
Happy Friday!!!!!!!!
You know the drill … purge your week out here in open letter form so you can go thoroughly enjoy your weekend!
Dear Sex,
I love you. I missed you.
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Dear Charli,
I am so proud of you for potty-ing, even though you really are fighting it. You are growing up so fast, and as much as I want you to stay my little baby bear Charli face … it is a necessary evil.
I love you.
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Dear Self,
See!? You pulled it off! You walk in the door every day and fight with your own self about having the ability to pull a big deal off, and you fucking killed it.
42K? Really!? That is insane and motherfucking awesome. Now just remember that you can on every call and they will buy something. Because they will.
Stop being your own worst enemy. Knock it the hell off.
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Dear You,
I hate your face. I really really do.
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Dear Friends,
You rocked my world last weekend. Like, ROCKED it. I will never ever forget that. Thanks for being such amazing people. I am constantly floored at the fact that so many people in my life are so god damned amazing. It is something that was sparse for a long long time, and to be surrounded by so many great people is awe inspiring.
I love you all. EXCEPT FOR YOU.
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Dear D,
I am so proud of you for coming home and rocking it. You are a great dad and you are the glue that holds our entire household together. I wish you were more aware of it.
We are gonna tackle the obstacles in front of us. Alllllllllll of them. And in the end, our family will be that much stronger than before.
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Dear Xavier,
Please please please get it together. I just want to love you. I just want to spend time with you. I miss my good little man so much that it hurts my heart to have this dynamic with you.
If you think that this is what I want our relationship to be you are high.
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Dear Mom and Dad,
You 2 are my hero’s. I love you so much.
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Dear Verizon Employee Bitch,
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you.
You obviously do not have a clue. You must think that 1) I am the fucking ONE (which I am not) 2) that you are soooooooooooo fucking collections smart (which you arent) and 3) that I am not going to get over on your fucking stupid scripted ass.
I know all of the tricks. ALL OF THEM. I bet I get my way.
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Dear Collectors,
Watch when you call my phone and the VM is now for Alicia. Alicia = I will pay you when I have the money so stop motherfucking calling me 234645768654756098-=754 times a day.
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Dear Motivation and Will Power,
You need to get it together. You have come this far to not fuck it all up and gain some weight back. 15 pounds to go. THAT IS IT. Just handle biz and fucking own the final stretch.
=================================================================================================
And for some eye candy… Julian McMahon …
Annnnnnnnnd … Salma Hayek
Your turn. Do it.
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, julian mcmahaon, salma hayek, YGWM
Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s: My 9 Year Old
Feb 23, 2010 All Things X, Current Events, Family, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms
Welcome to Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s!
Don’t worry, my child is not literally missing. Figuratively though … I cannot for the life of me find him anywhere.
Let me explain. Since the bringagoddamnpornomagtoschoolandgiveittohisfriend incident, Xavier has continued to act a fool at school as well as at home, lying about the stupidest fucking shit imaginable and has been suspended 2 more times.
Right?!
He has told liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies. From “the garage just smells like something is burning, I didn’t burn anything”
when he really found a lighter and was fucking around in the garage to “my hair is just like this” when he really used a beard trimmer to shave his head partially because he “didn’t like the way his fade was lined up” or maybe how his daily progress report was “all smiles because he had a great day at school” when he really altered it so he wouldn’t get into trouble at home.
So when I asked him to write a letter to the teacher to apologize for forging the fucking progress report, he had the audacity to say the following:
“I was really shooting for all smiley faces but you gave me 2 straight faces and I didn’t really like that so I changed the straight faces to smiley faces, but what I did not know is that it would be felony: forgery when I did that. I only changed it because my dad said that if I dont get a really really really really good report I would have to run a bunch of laps around my back yard and I really didn’t want to run anymore laps because I was sore enough from running like 150 to 200 laps this last weekend.”
I am dying. I am so happy that he was not awake when I read this because I am literally falling out laughing at his logic.
1. He is not taking A N Y responsibility for the forgery.
2. He is totally blaming D for his forgery.
Fucking seriously? You wanna snitch on your dad? It was MY idea! Yeah his ass ran some laps. 20 laps a pop to be accurate.
I catch you in some shit? Get to running.
6AM? Keep it pushin’ around the backyard.
You wanna half ass your chores? Kick up dust. In the tune of 20 laps.
GO!
Not only that, but he thought it would be appropriate to just pull his pants down and sit in class at his desk with his brown ass out. Then, when he got caught … he tried to act like the teacher was seeing things and then changed his story to be that “his pants and underwear accidentally fell down.” REALLY?! Do I look that fucking stupid?!
But wait! There’s more! 30 minutes after he got caught, he did the SAME shit, mooning some kids while he “acted like he picking up some paper”
Riiiiiiiiiiiight.
Laps. Pushups. Laps. Pushups. Repeat.
Gone are the days of conversation. Gone are the endless surprise ass whoopins. Now– there is no talk, other than “Save your faulty explanation and go run it out.”
So whatever happened to him? Have you seen my 9 year old? The one who was a good kid that I got to actually talk to and spend time with? The one who I didn’t spend most conversations yelling at him?
I miss him. I miss my kid. I really really really really really miss him.
If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?
If you could be invisible for a day what would you do and why?
If the whole world were listening, what would you say?
Tags: creative parenting, Parenting, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Feb 19, 2010 All Things X, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Ranteriffic, You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch
Yo! Yo! Yo! It is that time again! Purge your week’s in open letter format so that you can go and enjoy your weekend!!!
Dear Sex,
2 more days and you will be mine.
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Dear Bitch,
If I could tell you about yourself and have it make a difference… I would. You are the most evasive, non confrontational bitch I have ever met. I am glad I am not your friend because it would be a waste.
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Dear OTHER Bitch,
Really? Now? You just pop back in all nonchalant like? It doesnt work that way. Sorry. There is a lot of proving to do in order for there to be any sort of relationship.
Now is the time to grow up and stop being so motherfucking selfish and self absorbed.
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Dear Tarable,
Thank you for being my best friend. You make me smile and I know that we are life partners. I love you.
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Dear You,
What is YOUR fucking excuse? God you drive me fucking crazy.
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Dear New Guy,
It felt amazing jacking you for your scrilla. Don’t leave money on the table in this department because you will get smashed like Danger smashed the homie.
I take great pleasure in it and will continue to make your life a silent treatment side comment to your face living hell until you crack like the little bitch that you are.
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Dear Girls Trip,
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Dear Xavier,
I am trying to understand your logic. I am trying to get how you continuously lie and avoid responsibility and pull the most random and inappropriate shit on a regular basis.
I am trying to love you.
I am trying to pull our little family together … and every time I do … you are fucking up to the point where I cannot even stand the sight of your face.
What am I missing here? What haven’t I taught you? Why would you rather be in trouble than be a positive contributor to this family? I miss you so fucking much that it hurts but I refuse to reward your behavior time and time again.
You do not have to act like this. I am going to give you good attention if you will just knock it the fuck off and let me do it.
Please. Please stop this behavior.
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And for some Friday Eye Candy!
Hayden Christensen..
Ms. Kat Von D…
Alright … your turn. Let it go. Get it out. Tell a bitch allllllllll about themselves!!!
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, hayden christensen, kat von d, open letter
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy (or) 3 days.
Jan 8, 2010 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, You've Got Wicked Mail
Well hello there! Welcome to the first YGWM of 2010. It has been a couple of weeks huh?
Miss me?! Whatever.
You know the drill. Purge your week (s) so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekend.
Dear You.
You are a fucking big pouty baby. Knock it off.
Me
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Dear Mommy,
This is a letter requesting for you to whoop my ass. I would like for you to whoop my ass for the following reasons:
1) For that time I called and pretended to be a kidnapper on the voicemail.
2) For not listening to 3/4 of the things you say to me.
3) For telling half truths.
4) For not doing my chores OR half assing my chores. (i.e. no food in the cat bowl today. or the dirty toilet. or the recycle being left for days on the street.)
5) For fucking with Charli on purpose and then acting like I didnt do anything with a stupid fucking look on my face.
6) For watching American Pie when I knew I wasn’t supposed to.
Please whoop my ass! I am begging you.
Xavier
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Dear D,
Please for the love of God, take a shower and then put it in my mouth in 3 days.
It will benefit everybody.
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Dear Cheeseburger,
(s) Yep. I had 2 of you and I loved every single salivating bite. I chewed each bite approximately 22 times to really taste you in my mouth.
I don’t care if it is me being unfaithful to my phase 1 diet. It was worth it. YOU were worth it.
TarablyWicked
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Dear Lucky Jeans Sales Guy,
I fucking adored your face. Especially when you made me try on size TWENTY NINE even despite my own inner fatty arguing over it. And then, when the size TWENTY NINE fit me, I honestly wanted to hug your fucking face off.
You were the best sales guy ever, giving awesome recommendations when needed without being fucking aggravating and in my face.
Also, a size TWENTY NINE!? That is fucking rad. If it wasnt for you, I would have never even tried them on.
You rule.
Wicked
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Dear Mom
You will be trivial. It could go one way or the other. I don’t want to but I have to. I am gonna take one for the team.
But if you sit at that slot machine at that slot machine like a test lab mouse pushing it for crack, I will leave and find my own fun.
Happy Birthday,
Tara Monique
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Dear Romo,
Don’t fucking blow it. You are my last hope other than the Vikings which I am grandfathered into being a fan of at this point. At least it is for a good reason.
Tarable
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Dear Red Jeep,
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. I am so fucking sick of your endless fucking problems and your endless drama that I could literally cry.
I cannot wait until I don’t have to drive you anymore. You are the biggest piece of shit ever.
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Dear Jersey Shore,
Why are you such a trainwreck?
Why do I love you so much?
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Dear Jackson,
What in the fuck is wrong with you? Get out of my face, off of my table and out of my house.
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Dear D,
I am excited for you to come home for the following reasons:
1) To put your face in my vagina.
2) To put your dick in my vagina.
3) To put your dick in my mouth.
4) To put the christmas tree away.
5) To deal with Xavier.
6) To sleep in the bed with me.
7) To have a conversation and not be on a time limit.
To sleep in on the weekends. I just want to sleep.
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Dear Hickey on my boob,
I don’t know where you came from or how you got there, but please go away.
Love, Boobs.
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Dear Paycheck,
Really?!
TarablyWicked
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Dear D,
I am happy for you to come home for the following reasons:
1) Courtni & I will no longer be at each others throats … well not daily and multiple times in a day anyway.
2) She will finally take a fucking joke. Because right now, to her, I am talking in literal form. All day.
3) It is like I have no personality and I am not funny. You and I both know this is not true.
4) She will finally not be mad at me for getting some. Because she will be getting lots of somes. Thank god.
5) I will finally have someone else telling me about myself. Because I am honestly done with Courtni telling me about myself. She is mean when she tells me about myself. This is because you arent putting it in her.
6) So you can whoop Xaviers ass. Jesus. He is a good kid but he needs a fucking ass whoopin. Fuck.
7) I value the extra 20 minutes of sleep I get. That is the time it takes to drop Charli off and make coffee and make breakfast. I would like to sleep in.
IF YOU FUCKING HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT THAT YOU ARE A PART OF THIS TEAM, THEN GET A NEW FUCKING BRAIN.
Love and no disrespect because I love you,
Tarable
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Dear You,
Also above and beyond you being a big fucking baby, you need to pick one. This back and forth shit is fucking both annoying and old.
K? K.
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Dear Boyfriend,
Fuck you read this so it is hard to open letter your ass. Even though it is not a bad open letter but our bosses read this too so…. put it in my mouth.
Tarable
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Dear New Guy #1,
I don’t give a good god damn who you think you are. Not even a little bit. Dont act like you are somebody. Because to me, you kinda arent.
Dear New Guy #2,
Your pick up lines are wack. Kinda like your face. Because you look like a dude that was a douche to Tarable.
Dear Mike O,
I love that I am your work boo.
Love Courtni
Dear Mike O,
I love your butt
Love Tarable
Dear Boyfriend,
Dont trip, your butt is cuter and nicer. And I get to touch it whenever I want except during work hours because that is not work appropriate and our bosses read this blog.
Love Tarable
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Dear HenrySan,
We miss the following:
1) your laugh
2) your rice
3) your open eye
4) your face
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Yep I feel better.
Now for the Friday Eye Candy. Since it has been awhile, I wanted to do something special.
A special group eye candy … just for you.
I joke.
This Friday’s eye candy is (drum roll please)
George Clooney
Oh and Khloe Kardashian. She is a hottie.
You go. Get it off of your chest. Purge your weeks drama so you can enjoy your weekend! (annnnnnnnd, I am looking for eye candy suggestions)
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, george clooney, khloe kardashian, Parenting
5 Days (or) I am Hungry (or) “You’re Next” (or) Randomosity
Jan 6, 2010 All Things X, DUH, Etc., Family, Masturbate-able, Parenting, Random, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, bitch
Hi. I was thinking of a topic for “Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s” but couldn’t think of a good one so instead I shall word vomit. (Hint: Give me some WHtW’s suggestions pleasenthx.)
I talked to D today after finally fucking having to gangster this non english speaking bitch on the other end of my phone. I fucking LOATHE customer service call centers. Especially the outsourcedtoanotherfuckingcountrytosavemoneyyetoursocietyisfuckingunemployedlikeamotherfucker ones.
Yep. I surely did go there.
Anyway, he and I had a conversation about how it was gonna go down. It = the very strategic process of him putting his penis in my vagina. It was quite the conversation. What I want to happen and what will actually happen are probably 2 completely different things. At least 5 days from now anyway. Truthfully, I just wanna marinate for like a fucking week with complete silence and penis in my vicinity but you and I both know that I have 2 mini terrorists in my house that are not interested in anything 1) silent and 2) what I want so we are gonna have to get in where we fit in. No pun intended.
I am hungry. I want some chocolate. Like an Oreo or some Ritter Sport. Actually, I just want anything in my mouth that shouldn’t be there. Including a cheeseburger and a taco salad and even an apple with peanut butter. Mmmmm. Since starting back on South Beach Phase 1, I forgot how fucking hard it is to stick to phase 1. Carbs are the motherfucking devil.
So today, Xavier was home from school for about an hour by himself. My sitter had to run an errand or so and was running a bit behind so I get this frantic call from him.
X: “Mom – uh – uh – the cat – uh – is – puking – and – you – didnt answer so – uh – I called the vet and then the neighbor and she wants to talk to you.”
Me: (fuuuuuuckreally?!) “Alright.”
Neighbor: “Hi, is everything okay? Does X have someone looking after him?”
Me: “Yes my sitter had an errand to run and there was some traffic so he is just home alone for about an hour. Thanks for checking up.”
Neighbor: “Okay … are you sure?”
Me: (FUCKIAMFINEBITCHGODGETOUTOFMYBUSINESS!!!!!!!!!) “Yep. We are all good!”
X: “I didnt know what to do. I am sorry!”
Me: “It is fine Xavier. Just get your chores done, okay?”
X: “Okay.”
15 minutes later, I check my phone because while on a pitch selling me some dang credits, I had 4 missed calls from my house. Tried calling. The phone is busy. So I check the VM I had.
Scratchy sound scratchy sound … “qssaggYOURENEXTwertwsgfs”
Click.
Insert me freaking the fuck out.
So I call back my house phone. Busy. I call my sitter.
Me: “Hi. Um. Did you make it back to my house?”
Her: “Yeah I am sitting in the living room… why?”
Me: “Is Xavier there?”
Her: “Yeaahhh…?”
Me: (realizing what happened.) “Put him on the phone.”
Her: “Okayyy…”
X: “Hello!”
Me: “Are you kidding me?”
X: “What?!”
Me: “You’re next!?!?!?!”
X: “Ohhh thaaat! You got my voicemail then.”
Me: “Yeah and I do not think that it is funny.”
X: “What? Why not?”
Me: “Um well lets start with the fact that you were home alone and I thought someone had snatched you up Xavier.”
X: “Ohhhhh … I didn’t think about thaaat.”
Me: “I could kill you for freaking me out like that!”
X: “Sorry.”
Are you fucking kidding me right now?! GAH. I will tell you that I am only mad as far as he is concerned right now until I get his little ass back, thanks to a kick ass recommendation. Yep. He is gonna be scared out of his mind.
*wickedcackle*
I cant reeeeeeeeeeally be mad though. I used to play hella pranks on my mom. As often as possible actually. Of course payback is a bitch. Offffffff course this is the “mothers curse”. I get it. It’s cool. We shall see who has the last laugh.
All I am saying is that in 5 days, I don’t want to hear word one about any of this shit for like … I dunno … 60 motherfucking days. The only thing I want to hear about is D’s face buried in my vagina until I can’t feel my own face due to an over abundance of O faces.
Ya diiiiiiiiiig?!
Tell me something funny. Something hilar has to have happened in your life over the past couple of weeks that I have missed.
Have you ever pulled any prank bullshit on your parents, or have you had any pulled on you?
Tags: ass whoopin, cunningulus, oreo, Parenting, prank, ritter sport
Happy Monday (or) Get the FUCK Out of My FACE.
Jan 3, 2010 All Things X, DUH, Family, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Parenting, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms
Yep. We are on the countdown until D comes home. 7 days. Oh but don’t think that I am all omgyayDcomeshomeinlike7dayswoooooooooooooooooooooooooo or anything because I am actually not. Not today anyway. Today I am fucking raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanty. Tomorrow might be a totally different day. Knowing me, it probably will be.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut….
For all of you positivity people in my life right now, just because it is down to 7 days doesn’t mean that there are all of these rainbows and butterflies circling around my life all of a sudden. In fact it is the opposite.
Wanna know why?
Because not only are we on the final stretch of his extended fucking absence … but we are on the final stretch of my motherfucking patience. Oh you bitches forgot about the fact that I am an impatient fucking cunt ANYWAY?! Yeah.
Stick a motherfucking fork in me because I am done.
Done cleaning this house. Especially the dishes. No. Scratch that. Especially the floors.
Done with the kids fighting. At least done with it being in my business 24/7.
Done with being alone. At least, when I don’t want to be alone.
Done with no intimacy.
Done with doing everything.
Done dealing with it.
Done talking about it and especially DONE BLOGGING ABOUT IT.
Done with masturbation. Hello not fun anymore. Hi.
Just done.
Today I wanted to clean my house. What actually happened vs. what I expected were 2 totally different things.
I swear to fuck I was backtracking everything I was cleaning and recleaning it because my terrorist 2 year old thought it was funny to pull shit out that I just put away. Like, are you kidding me right now?! Did I look like it was something that I thought was funny?!
Commence me freaking out. That is how you know I am done. Instead of making a irritated joke out of it like I normally do, I freaked out. I don’t like feeling like this. Edgy and bitchy and cranky and fucking getoutofmyface-y all of the time. I dont like yelling at my kids. I dont like being beyond aggravated with every single move/sound/comment/thing they do. I commend single parents because when it comes to parenting for me, D is my balance, and I am his. When I am going to come across the room and pummel my 9 year old, D (usually unless it is a warranted and deserved pummeling, and lets face it sometimes it is not always deserved but I am a hothead and he pushes my motherfucking buttons so I get hella mad …) steps in and lets him know that he needs to figure it the fuck out or he will let me.
Gah. I feel all bad and shit for tantruming in front of my kids tonight. But jeeze. I don’t know how many more ways I can ask Xavier to do the same God damn thing or how many ways I can ask Charli to not touch something and have them BOTH repeat the fucking action within a 10 minute God damned period of me asking them. Really?!
Furthermore, how does a 9 year old become sooooooooooooo forgetful?! I asked him to do some shit earlier, and within 5 minutes he had (or so he says and says all the god damned time) completely forgotten about me asking. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?
Is it hard to believe that I was LESS patient prior to kids?!
The thing is, D is a better parent than me. He is more patient. I, on the other hand, am this easily irritated mom. It sucks but it is true. When it comes down to it, I could speculate that I would not deserve the “Mom of the Year” award. as hard as I try to be all cupcakebakingthoroughlyexcitedforplaydates mommy … I am not the one. Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids. Buuuuuut… I also love my space from them. Is that wrong? I feel like it is. Especially when sometimes, I cannot wait to get away from them. Like WOOOOOOOOO! cannot wait.
I hope that they don’t see me as horribly as I sometimes see myself in the parenting category.
Especially Charli. I know I totally scared her today in the midst of me freaking out… and I tried to make it better but she was totally spooked.
Tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow will be one day closer to normalcy in the WickedHouse. Until then, it will still be today. And today, I hate everything so get the FUCK out of my FACE. Heh.
How was your NYE? Who did you ring the new year in with?
Did you have someone to kiss at midnight?! If you did, fuck you because I didn’t.
For That, I am Grateful – 2
Dec 31, 2009 All Things X, Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, love
This is part 2 of 2 of my grateful things of 2009.
To repeat myself …
She is doing 26 Days of Gratefulness. Each day represents a letter filled with things that she is eternally grateful for. Of course more than half of these days made me cry like a fucking baby because that is what the hell I do when there is anything mush or moosh involved in it. But when she does it … it hits me even harder. (I will get to her later.)
N is for Nighttime. It is the only time I have to myself. I am grateful for me time. N is also for Noggin. Not the TV show … the oral sex kind.
O is for Orgasm. I am grateful for every orgasm I can give or get. O is also for Open letters. I look forward to every single Friday so that I can openly bitch out any one and everyone that pisses me the hell off.
P is for Penis. Yes. I am grateful for the infamous penis. I neeeed it in my life on a regular basis. It is also for Pumps. As in shoes. P is also for my Phone Sex Voice. Apparently … it is worth millions. P is especially for Prettiness. It is an essential in this house. Live Prettily and life is Perfect. 
Q is for Quarters. A pre-paycheck scrounge for Quarters is a regular event around here. Quarters get gas, cheeseburgers, wine … even cigs for those who smoke. Q is most importantly for *MY* Q. My Numbah 1. My Partner. One of my best friends. Ever. She owns Q. She *is* Q.
R is for Romance. It is essential. Romance is a part of me. It is also for Rough. Rough sex, that is. I like it Rough and Raw. R is also for Rally. I have needed the people in my life to Rally around me recently … and they really really have. R is also for Range Rover. I want one. K? R is most importantly for Readers. You all make my day better. Your thoughts. Your advice. Your viewpoints. If I didn’t have you … I may not be so into blogging.
S is for Sex. God damnit I am grateful for it. Sex. Seeeeeeexxxxxxxxxx. S is also for Soul Sister. Because I haz them and I am grateful for them. Beyond grateful. Carol. Cass. Anne. Chrissie. Chrissa. ‘Lullah. Mary. Q. Kanisha. Leslie. Rachael. You all make my life a better life. You make me a better person. Each of you are so important to me and my sanity. S is for Sanity. S is also for Sunshine. My Sunshine comes in the form of a Carol. Heh. I made a comment about her being Sunshine, even when she is being followed by a black cloud … and that she doesn’t even know it … which is the best part. My Sunshine makes me happy … when skies are grey. S is also for Squish. Squishy. SquishyAmandaFace. I love her mostly because of how raw and honest she is. But that is only Scratching the Surface. I am so grateful to be her friend.
T is for Tarable. And Tough. And Tolerance. And Teeny Tiny. And Team. All of these have to do with Tarable. She is my rock. My sister. My bestie. I don’t know what I would do without her. T is also for Text messages. They have saved me in tough spots and entertained me to no end.
U is for UPGRADES! I am grateful for this team more than I can describe into words. It was the best decision to take the risk to work in this department.
V is for Vagina. I hope mine knows how grateful I am for it.
W is for Women. Because I have so many inspirational and strong Women in my life. W is also for Wisdom. I have learned so much. I have grown so much. Wisdom within myself and from others has proven to be so beneficial.
X is for Xavier. He is my little big man. No matter how much he fucks up … I will always love him.
Y is for Yaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Or sleep. Either way Yawning leads to it. And I love sleep like nobodies business.
Z is for Zac. He is a new addition to my life and I am most grateful for him. I am pretty sure that I am not the only one who thinks this of him.
G’Head. List your N-Z’s of gratefulness.
If I don’t talk to you before hand, Happy New Year!
Tags: kids, sleep, soul sister, strong women, team, upgrades
For That, I am Grateful: 1
Dec 29, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love
After long and hard contemplation, I have decided to steal this kick ass blog idea from my souliest sister in the whole wide world. It is about to be a New Year … and I can’t think of a better way to end my year in blogging by talking about the things that make me grateful.
She is doing 26 Days of Gratefulness. Each day represents a letter filled with things that she is eternally grateful for. Of course more than half of these days made me cry like a fucking baby because that is what the hell I do when there is anything mush or moosh involved in it. But when she does it … it hits me even harder. (I will get to her later.)
Since I am late to the game, mine will be broken in 2. Wanna hear it hear it goes.
*deepoverlyemotionalbreath*
A is for Awesomeness. I am grateful that I have discovered and have embraced my own Awesomeness. For one, because it is Awesome to own your Awesomeness … but more importantly, it is Awesome to show others that they are in fact Awesome. And to help another Awesome human being to embrace their own Awesomeness … is … well … Awesome in it’s own right.
B is for Breath. Being able to stop to catch my own. It is also for Babysitters. The one that I stumbled upon in my time of need has been a fucking life saver. Even in her own time of crisis, she stood by me and made sure that no matter what I was able to focus on what I needed to do for my family to survive without worrying about my kids’ well being. She has become not only my Babysitter, but one of my Best friends. B is also for Book. Because in 2009, I published mine. I am so proud of my accomplishment. I started it. I finished it. It is quality. It is mine. My creation. If nothing else ever comes of it other than my Lulu self publishing endeavor … I will still see myself as a success. Would I love to be on the Bestseller’s list? Duh. B is for Blogging. I have no clue what I would do if I didn’t have my Blog space.
C is for Courtni. Yep. I am grateful for me. This year has been a roller coaster, but I have been able to do a lot of good for myself and my family. I lost 30 pounds. I started a kick ass SUCCESSFUL blog site with the help of my Numbah 1. I took a risk by starting this job … but am already seeing the potential successes. Courtni is a stronger woman than she has ever been. She loves herself for the first time ever 100%. Flaws, strengths… all of it. So then really, C is also for Confidence.
D is for D. His absence right now sucks, but it doesn’t change the fact that I love him so much that it hurts. He is an amazing dad. He takes care of me, puts up with me, listens to my endless fucking ranting and loves me unconditionally. Flaws and all. When I cry he knows when and when not to leave me alone. When I just feel like being a bitch … he lets me. (Even if that means ignoring me completely) When I need to be held or loved or smacked around a little (I am kidding) or even told about myself, he just knows. D is my polar opposite. I yell, he just talks. I over analyze, he thinks things through. I freak out, he rationalizes. When we make love it is Dynamic. When we fuck … it is Dirty. He knows which one is the right one. As much as I am his rock, he is mine. Which would make sense as to why we have been together a Decade.
E is for Elasticity. I have gained this quality in the past 48 days. When a bitch gets knocked down, there is no other option other than to bounce back. It is for Energy (the positive kind.) I have had (for the most part) an abundance of it around me over the past 2 months. My new found family especially. E is also for Ears. Without them, I would have had no one to listen to me yell. And I have done my fair fucking share of yelling.
F is for Friendship. I have gone from no Friends to many Friends. True, ride or die fucking Friends. Friends who will give their last slice of bread to my Family if we were hungry. Or at least split it in half. Coming from a childhood where I moved every single year from 4th grade to 9th grade … I didn’t really have many Friends that I knew were real. The ones who I have managed to hold on to for dear life, I am grateful for each of you. Lisa, Jennifer, Stephanie, Rachael, Tweed, Kim1&2, Lirra … even though we don’t always talk or kick it, I am beyond grateful that I have a piece of my past with you. I don’t know if I have ever told any of you how important it is to me that we have managed to keep in touch over the many many years. Friendship is the most important thing to me besides my Family. To me, they go hand in hand. If you are my true Friend … you are my Family. Plain and simple. Food is a big F for me. I heart me some food. All kinds. F is also for Fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason.
G is for Goals. I have set lofty ones for 2010. I am going to achieve all of them. Come hell or high water.
H is for Home. It is for Health. It is for Happiness. H is for Honor. It is for Heart. I am grateful that I have been blessed with life lessons to know and understand what each and every one of these mean and own each of them. I will be working on the Health and the Happiness more this next year … but I am almost there. Closer than I have ever been. That feels awesome.
I is for Insecurities. Yes. I am grateful for my Insecurities because that means that I am human. I is also for Internet. If there was no Internet, I would never have met my soul sisters. I would never have been able to purge my soul for all of you. I is also for Ice cream. Because sometimes, every single problem can be solved with a big fat bowl of Ice cream.
J is for Job. Why? Because for the first time in years I have a Job that I absolutely love. Who has a Job that they have a fucking blast at 97% of the time? I am grateful for my Job and (almost) everyone that I work with there.
K is for Karma. I believe in it. You fuck me, Karma is going to fuck you harder. K is for kids. MY KIDS. Bad, good … bratty, not bratty. I love them. They are the reason I endure all of the chaos. I cannot describe in a blog the depth of love that I have for my kids. My heart swells on a daily basis as I watch them grow and learn and experience … and become these amazing little creatures. My creatures. My creations. I don’t know where I would be without either of them in my life. Also, K is for Kisses. Not the chocolate kind. The sensual, lovey, frenchy kind. Ask me the last time I have been Kissed. G’head. I remember thinking shortly before D left that it felt like we didn’t Kiss enough. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. Kisses. Gimme em.
L is for Love. Long Lasting Love. I Love Love. The idea of someone falling in Love with another person gets me all warm and tingly. To put it simply, I am in Love with Love. L is for Letters. I have received letters in the mail recently due to circumstances and they have kept me sane. I also think that L is for Longevity. Longevity in relationships, health, career … and Life. Because, L is also for Life. I am grateful for the Life I have been blessed with.
M is for Many Many Things. Music. Masturbation. Mommy’s. Motivation. Mayer. Martini. Marilyn Monroe. The most important thing? Music. Music saves me. If I need to be happy? Music. If I need a good cry? Music. If I need some panty dropping? Muuuuuuuusic. I need it in my life daily. Portishead. Natalie Merchant. Snoop. John Mayer. Poison. Alicia Keys. Elton John. Journey. Outkast. Sade. Aaliyah. John Legend. It all affects me the same but for different reasons.
List your A-M’s of gratefulness today. Take some time and remember what good we have been blessed with.
Tags: alicia keys, elton john, john legend, john mayer, journey, love, natalie merchant, outkast, poison, portishead, sade, snoop, www.squishisms.com
Post Holiday Open Letters.
Dec 27, 2009 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friday Eye Candy, You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch
Happy MondayafterChristmas!
I apologize for no Friday Eye Candy … or a venting place for the weekly purges … but it was in fact Christmas … and I figured it would be better to host your weekly venting place after the holidays and the after holiday sale madness.
Good decision?
Commence the open letters:
Tara is chomping at the bit to put some open letters out there into the privacy of her own internet space:
Dear Where Do You Want to Start,
I am fucking over it. I am tired of my busy ass life. I just want to relax with my hot boyfriends dick in my mouth. K!? (Yeah she went there)
I do not want to deal with anymore:
1) Holiday fucking drivers.
2) Excuse: It’s Christmas Time.
3) Ghey ass, unreliable, (don’t make sense) Holiday Hours
4) Even though I love and absolutely adore holiday parties, I am over them. I am sick of every single weekend being booked and having to stress about what to wear, did I already wear that to a holiday party where there were pictures … etc. Not only that, but I am fucking sick of impressing people and hanging out with people that I don’t like. And, I would rather have my hot boyfriends dick in my mouth. Also, get the holiday food out of my face. Because none of it is friendly to my ass size. K?! (cosigning on #4)
5) Done.
Love, Tarable
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Dear Muffin Top,
You hurt my feelings. You are not cute. You make me feel like all of the bitches I make fun of, and not be excited about fitting into my new size 11 jeans. I haven’t been a size 11 since I was born. Even if I bought a bigger size, it would be just as bad because you would move to my ass and make it look like I pooped my pants and that is not fair.
Get out of here you muffiny fuckin bitch.
Tarable
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Dear You,
I am over it. I am over it for my friend who is also over it. She wants to put it in her mouth but you are being a baby. So why don’t you take your crying tears and your kleenex box and cry about it via text.
Just saying.
Tarable.
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Dear Keanu Reeves,
Can I just fucking touch it? I have been waiting. WAITING. I have wanted to touch it since I was 7. Just let me touch it. Sorry hot boyfriend.
——————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Tara,
Really? A snorer? Of allll the non sexy things you could ever do? Snore? Now you have to wear Breathe Right Strips for your hot boyfriend whos dick you want to put in your mouth to let you sleep over. Grow up its not that bad.
Tarable
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Dear Wine,
Thank you. (No seriously)
Love, Tarable
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Dear Family,
Thank you for not being crazy, psychotic, dysfunctional fuck faces this Christmas. It was proof that we can always get along.
Love Tara
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Dear Donovan,
Fuck you. (Oh!) I hate you right now. I am gonna write you a letter because I love you but I kinda hate you right now. When you come home you better walk in the door, smile and make it all better (Word) annnnnnnnnnnnnd you better not do this bullshit EVER AGAIN or I will personally do something violent and that will not make you smile to you. You are the one that made the analogy of 5 fingers and then cut your own finger the hell off. On both hands. (Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaayum) Dont ever do it again. K? Gah. We need you here and if you dont see that … I don’t know what to tell you.
I miss you.
Love Me
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And now for mine.
Dear Tarable,
You need to knock it off. You know what “it” is. You don’t always get your way when you want it. If you did, this one would be less interesting.
Don’t make me tell you again.
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Dear You,
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
And also.
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Oh. By the way.
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
———————————————————————————————————————-
Dear Carbohydrates,
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. I would like to enjoy a slice or 9 of bread without gaining 23537y457754742w3 pounds while doing it.
I LIKE YOU BUT I CANT HAVE YOU AND IT ISNT FAIR AND IT HURTS MY FEELINGS.
BLahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhIwantsomechipsahoy.andacheeseburger.andsomepadthai.andsomemacaroniandcheese.andpizza.andstuffing.withgravy.andmashedpotatoes.andbreadandbutter.andpastaexceptforolivegarden.andredlobstercheddargarlicbiscuits.clamchowderinabreadbowl.chocolate.chipsandqueso.girlscoutcookies.alsosourpatchkids.andsoda.andstickyricewithpenutsauceonitandsomesrirachatoo.anythingfried.andagrilledcheesesandwichwithamericancheesepandaexpress.
The end. Love TarablyWicked
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Dear Vagina,
It is almost over. You have gone the long haul and I am sure the big black cardboard check at the finish line will pay the winner (you) really REALLY WELL. Not to mention, you are (not that you werent already) gonna be really tiny. Like as if you had vagina bypass surgery or something. Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenytinyvagina.
I am proud of your sticktoitiveness.
Wicked
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Dear Boyfriend, (From Girlfriend)
It has been several days since we have fucked. I would like for you to meet me in that one place you suggested the other day so you can bend me over and let me have it.
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Dear Xavier,
Knock it the fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are such a little argumentative fucker right now and I dont fucking get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUTUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love Tara and Mom!
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Dear Washington Strip Clubs,
Why can’t you show me a pretty vagine? Why are the bitches here skanky, disease infested messes? Can I just come on a Friday night and get an alcoholic beverage while staring at pretty vajay dance all in my business because you do not provide that here.
I am just sayin.
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Dear Hair,
Pick one.
Tarable
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Dear Readers,
Thanks for Reading. Good Night.
TarablyWicked
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And for some Eye Candy: Jamie Dornan
Tags: boyfriend, girlfriend, holiday, open letter, Sex
4 Minus 1
Dec 25, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, Family, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Parenting, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms
Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! (Who you callin’ a HO!?)
As you all know, I am not all “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOITSCHRISTMASSSSSSSSSS!” this year. But, with the me being told about myself and all … I have done my part to fake it until I make it. Annnnnnnnnnd I made it to the finish line. Yay me! Today is the big day that everyone and their dysfunctional mother is talking about.
Christmas. No wait … still faking it … Christmas! (Better?!)
My crooked tree is shining with pretty lights and ornaments. There are presents under it all wrapped and shit. Family and friends (even some unexpected ones) are making my family of 4 minus 1 feel super duper special today. It feels really good to know that there are folks in your corner that genuinely give a shit. Genuine shit givers are few and far between as of late. It seems that when you are beyond struggling … all of those with the best fucking mouthpieces talking about how they will have your back if you ever need anything ever … are the ones that are the most full of shit … and they disappear without a trace …
You know what? FUCK those guys. If you are one of them who told me you would be there for my family and I haven’t heard shit from you … not even just to check in and see how things are going?! Don’t call me. Ever. Delete me from your life if I haven’t already deleted your selfish asses.
(I feel better.)
This holiday season has taught me a few really key things about life. Some things I already knew but needed a refresher on … either way the lesson was re-etched in my brain.
1) True friends don’t need to tell you that they will be there for you. They just are.
2) God only gives you what he knows you can handle. He never sets out to break you. You break yourself.
3) A true testament of strength is when you start at the bottom of the barrel and the next thing you know you find yourself standing on the outside of it, staring down into where you once were … wondering how in the fuck you just got out.
4) No one likes a braggart. There is a time and a place for being a big mouth. True adults know when to keep their fucking mouths shut.
5) Unconditional is unconditional. Either you love someone for all that they are or you don’t. The lesson is that in order to truly love a person, you absolutely have to accept everything about them that you cannot change. Or, stay true to a shallow, loveless relationship where you are constantly trying to mold them into something they can or never will be able to be.
Ya digg?
I miss my D today. As I sit here in a silent house, I am reminded of all of the little traditions he and I have made over the last 9 Christmases that we have spent together. Maybe that is why Idontwantit this year. Because there is a piece of the puzzle missing. We always wrap the Santa presents with different paper than all of the others after the kids crash out. There is a note from Santa, thanking them for the cookies. D eats the cookies because he is a muncher … and that is his favorite part. He always rocks a Santa Hat. All day.
Sometimes I made him keep it on … for … you know. Heh. Okay all of the time but whatever.
D makes me listen to fucking Christmas music.
He cooks. All day. And then he sleeps. Ha!
The reality is that he isn’t here and so my plan is to not sleep through the day like I really want to but was (again) told about myself that it is not okay to do that on Christmas! so I will instead do as best as I can to make sure that as many of these little traditions as possible are felt by my kids. If that means that I have a private moment where I completely freak out … then so be it. The most important part is that my kids will smile and laugh and hopefully … even for just a moment … forget that we as a family of 4 minus 1 are going through one of the hardest times in all of our lives.
If I can pull that off … than I really AM Wonder Woman.
Cheers to the Holiday’s … and if I haven’t mentioned it before … thank you all so much for any and all support that you have given over this time in my life. All of it has gotten me through … and kept me smiling. Know that.
Merry Christmas.
Tags: christmas, Family, Parenting, spirit, wonder woman
