Living Wicked

Attitude Schmatitude

Feb 28, 2010 All Things Charli, Current Events, Family, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, bitch

Hellooooooo o o o Monday! Hello new month! Hello friends!

First and foremost, check out the new links on my side bar. There are new Buy Stuff links and a couple of new blog links.

So there is a great deal going on in the world of Wicked. For the most part, all is great. I was finally able to get my contract scanned and sent over to XoXo Publishing. It took a minute to get the time together and my damn scanner working so I kinda started to panic like they might want to take it away because I freaking procrastinated. *phew*

So that is done. *squeeeee*

I don’t know what this means though. Like, what is the next step? What do published authors actually do?!

Anyway, I hit a huge goal at work this last month. I am still a tad in disbelief that I did it; you know, going back to the whole scared of success business I go through every day. I am getting better at believing each and every day.

What this has done for me is afewfold.

Every month I feel more invested in our team. It’s crazy but we are a bunch of vulgar and inappropriate nerds and we all (for the most part) click together. When we are on, we are hot. Anyway, as I wes saying … as I get more invested, I get more team territorial. Meaning, when someone is acting like an asshole … I take it kinda personally.

I am not a fan of bad attitude. Like bad attitude where you are your only concern and everyone else can fuck off. Where you try and act as if you are above everyone else, to the point where it is borderline disrespect. The way I roll is that I am all in. If I am going to spend the bulk of my day away from the 3 most important people in my life, I am not going to half-ass it or disrespect it. And I don’t think that anyone else should either. Mainly because it affects me too when you are a fucking beeyotch.

Attitude is everything. It makes and breaks … and the line that attitude teeters on to either make or break … is a fucking thin one.

I don’t like this “I am better than you attitude” in my presence. It makes me want to chicken choke a bitch.

This is my stance on it:

If you think you should be running the show, and you are not … maybe that is for a reason.
If you need to name drop to make yourself feel better … maybe you should find an alternative soothing method.
If you cannot spend an extra 10 minutes of your important little life in order to be a part in a really awesome moment with a really awesome team … maybe you should find a new job.

Maybe … just maybe … you should look up the definition of team and then see if you can comprehend exactly what in the hell it means to be a contributor on it.

In other news, Charli’s blatant refusal to use the potty has since had a turn around. She has officially stopped freaking the hell out every time we bring it up. Now, when I ask … she goes. The next step is getting her motivated to tell us, without us having to ask her eleventy million times an hour.

Annnnnnnnd today she pooped! For the first time! YAY!

Other than that, I have got nothin’. Nothin’ but a new month where I am going to work my ass off to hit my goals. I have my eyes on the prize and I am ready to make it consistent achievement every single month.

What is new with you?!

If you could be famous (a household name), what would you like to be famous for?
If you could go back to any moment in history, where would you go?

Tags: attitude, integrity, potty training, team, team work, territorial, work

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Feb 25, 2010 All Things Charli, All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail

Happy Friday!!!!!!!!

You know the drill … purge your week out here in open letter form so you can go thoroughly enjoy your weekend!

Dear Sex,

I love you. I missed you.

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Dear Charli,

I am so proud of you for potty-ing, even though you really are fighting it. You are growing up so fast, and as much as I want you to stay my little baby bear Charli face … it is a necessary evil.

I love you.

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Dear Self,

See!? You pulled it off! You walk in the door every day and fight with your own self about having the ability to pull a big deal off, and you fucking killed it.

42K? Really!? That is insane and motherfucking awesome. Now just remember that you can on every call and they will buy something. Because they will.

Stop being your own worst enemy. Knock it the hell off.

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Dear You,

I hate your face. I really really do.

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Dear Friends,

You rocked my world last weekend. Like, ROCKED it. I will never ever forget that. Thanks for being such amazing people. I am constantly floored at the fact that so many people in my life are so god damned amazing. It is something that was sparse for a long long time, and to be surrounded by so many great people is awe inspiring.

I love you all. EXCEPT FOR YOU.

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Dear D,

I am so proud of you for coming home and rocking it. You are a great dad and you are the glue that holds our entire household together. I wish you were more aware of it.

We are gonna tackle the obstacles in front of us. Alllllllllll of them. And in the end, our family will be that much stronger than before.

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Dear Xavier,

Please please please get it together. I just want to love you. I just want to spend time with you. I miss my good little man so much that it hurts my heart to have this dynamic with you.

If you think that this is what I want our relationship to be you are high.

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Dear Mom and Dad,

You 2 are my hero’s. I love you so much.

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Dear Verizon Employee Bitch,

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you.

You obviously do not have a clue. You must think that 1) I am the fucking ONE (which I am not) 2) that you are soooooooooooo fucking collections smart (which you arent) and 3) that I am not going to get over on your fucking stupid scripted ass.

I know all of the tricks. ALL OF THEM. I bet I get my way.

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Dear Collectors,

Watch when you call my phone and the VM is now for Alicia. Alicia = I will pay you when I have the money so stop motherfucking calling me 234645768654756098-=754 times a day.

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Dear Motivation and Will Power,

You need to get it together. You have come this far to not fuck it all up and gain some weight back. 15 pounds to go. THAT IS IT. Just handle biz and fucking own the final stretch.

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And for some eye candy… Julian McMahon …

Annnnnnnnnd … Salma Hayek

Your turn. Do it.

Tags: Friday Eye Candy, julian mcmahaon, salma hayek, YGWM

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Feb 12, 2010 All Things Charli, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Random, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail

Happy Motherfucking Friday! I am ready for the weeeeeeeeeeeeekend. How about you?

Alright folks. You know what time it is… Purge your weeks in open letter format so you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekend!!!!!!!

Dear Hallmark Holiday,

Thank you for letting me be alone on yet again another stupid holiday surrounded by all the couples with their stupid coupleness.

I get that I am a fuck up this year. But really, 5 years in a row? What did I ever do to you?

I might as well buy 19 cats and a Costo case of frosting and a pair of elastic wasted poly-cotton blend pants that are too short so it looks like I am waiting for a flood while wearing some crocks.

Put me on the people of walmart website or out of my misery.

Love Tarable

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Dear TaraJean,

I know that technically you are alone for this stupid Hallmark holiday … but you are surrounded by 4 people who love the shit out of you. So really, you have 4 Valentines instead of none.

We love you.

The Georges
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Dear You,

Hmmmmm….

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Dear PuttingByMyDesk,

Find a new fucking isle.

I am not trying to be Debbie Downer or anything but GEOUFHERE.

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Dear PS3

I am sorry that we don’t spend that much QT together.

Love, D

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Dear Negative Ass, GHETTO, Crotchety High Maintenance MotherFucking Owners,

You and I both know that the reason you have a motherfucking attitude problem when I call you is because your broke as a joke asses cannot afford the dream picture that I EXCITEDLY paint for you on a daily motherfucking basis.

Dont be mad at me because you live in a double wide that is rotting from the outside and when you go to our LUXURIOUS MOTHERFUCKING CONDOS you are reminded of the trashyness that you possess.

GET A MOTHERFUCKING ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT AND BUY SOME MOTHERFUCKING CREDITS SO I CAN RING THE BELLLLLLLLLLL.

K?

Love Wicked.

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Dear New NameDropping Bitch,

No one cares who you know. No one cares that you drive a Lexus. No one cares that you have a heritage. No one cares how much sales experience you have. No one cares about your ugly ass fake ass clip on hair thing that you bought from the kiosk in Alderwood. No one cares. No one.

I dont know who the fuck you think you are being the new bitch telling your bosses that you are bored and that you are gonna go home. Furthermore, we go to lunch for FOURTY FIVE MINUTES … not an hour and FOURTY FIVE MINUTES.

Your shit smells just like the rest of ours.

K?

TarablyWicked

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Dear NewFuck,

You are a piece of motherfucking work. I promise you that if anyone is above the rules in this department … it for sure is not you. You don’t know people. WE KNOW PEOPLE. So your over explitave, brown nosing, hat wearing, think you know the inside joke of all inside jokes motherfucking ass needs to check yourself. Because there was a before you … and there will be an after you.

Bet that.

TarablyWicked

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Dear Dr,

Thank you for confirming that I am not as fat as I was. It is now official that I am 36 pounds lighter. However, fuck you and your scraping. It was not comfortable or fun or awesome. In fact it was the exact opposite of awesome.

Furthermore, I will thank you for telling me that I didn’t have to come back for 3 whole years. It ALMOST made the scraping worth it. Almost.

Also, thanks for the comedy while molesting my boobs.

Love TarablyWicked

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Dear Mya,

I wanna say sorry and that you are my best friend.

Love Charli

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Dear D,

You have been motherfucking OFF ONE. I think that I know why. It is because you have little to no contact with adults.

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Dear Pedicures and Haircuts,

THANK MOTHERFUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Dear Exercise,

I am working you back in. I didn’t forget about you. Not one bit. I really really really miss you.

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Dear Charli,

Use the potty. Thanks.

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And now for some Eye Candy…

Dwayne Johnson ….

Annnnnnnnnd Alicia Keys.

Alright folks… let it out. You know you have at least one fucker to vent about open letter styles.

Tags: alicia keys, dwayne johnson, hallmark, open letter, valentines day

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Feb 4, 2010 All Things Charli, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Friday Eye Candy, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, Yum... or Lack There Of.

Hello and welcome. Happy motherfucking FRIDAY to you all!

Blind yet? Heh.

Alright. Let’s get on with the open lettering.

Dear IDIOTS,

Idiot #1: You are so fucking stupid. I feel sorry for your kids who have to grow up in an idiot filled environment. Because of you, there is now a clan of idiots roaming the state of Oregon freely and idiotically.

Idiot #2: You are totally unaware of the level of idiot you possess. To have to be near you on a regular basis is fucking paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaainful.

Idiot #3: Really?! Lies? All of them? No one feels sorry for you anymore. In fact, it is the opposite. What happens after, is going to be well deserved for all of the lying.

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Dear Everyone,

I don’t give a fuck about the following:

1) The Olympics
2) Your issues.
3) Lost
4) Twilight
5) Avatar

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Dear Sickness in my Throat and Sinuses and Ears and Bodyaches,

FUCK THE FUCK OFF. I am not submitting to your nastiness. I refuse. GET OUT OF MY AREA.

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Dear Self,

You need to stop letting your own doubt prevent you from success. What are you so god damned scared of? What do you have to lose? Just ASK for it. The very worst that can happen is that the answer is no.

Stop giving yourself roadblocks. It is unnecessary stress that you do not need.

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Dear Charli,

Please leave me to sleep alone for like 3 nights a week. That is all I am asking. I love you to death but seriously?! I would like some sleep without you in my personal space. I am over your feet in my back. I am over your face in my face. You are a kicker and a bed hog and I would really like a night of sleep in peace.

I am | | <--- this close to begging for it.

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Dear Writers Block,

Seriously? Get the fuck out of my life. I have the ability to write an entire manuscript of poetry and another SC, which is what everyone is waiting for ... but when it comes down to actually putting content on paper, you are there ... COCKBLOCKING my creativity.

FUCK YOU. FUCK OFF AND DIE.

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Dear You,

Blah. Why is it that half the time I hate you and the other half I dont?

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Dear Tarable,

I am glad you are being an adult. I am proud of you and I love you and I am here for you always.

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Dear Sunshine,

I miss you. Can we catsup soon?

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Dear Inner Fat Girl,

If I could reach inside of myself and stab you to death I would. You are counterproductive to my goals.

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And now for some Friday Eye Candy... Thanks to Cass's recommendation I present Mr. Taye Diggs!

Annnnnd … Ms. Cameron Diaz

There you have it folks. You know the drill … purge your weeks in open letter form, so you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekend!

Tags: cameron diaz, Friday Eye Candy, idiot, open letter, taye diggs

Whatever Happened to? Wednesday’s: Personal Space

Jan 19, 2010 All Things Charli, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays, bitch

Hello! Welcome to Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s!

This one will be short and sweet.

Whatever happened to personal space?!

For example:

Charli. I love the child to death. I really truly do. But she is the most magnetically touchy child I have ever encountered. And … well I am not that person. Don’t get me wrong. I love touching and loving and all of that like the rest of 95% of the world… but there is a time and a place for everything.

Not the time:

When I first wake up in the morning. Specifically, me waking up to a 35ish pound human latched on to me. And when I say latched, I mean laaaatttccchhheeed. Like legs intertwined. Like hand on my face. Or hair in my face. Me hanging off the bed due to her in my business and me attempting to get a little bit of personal motherfucking space.

Also NOT the time:

When I am peeing. She wants to know what I am doing. Why I am doing it. How I am doing it.

“Are you wiping now?”
“Are you peeing now?”
“Are you done peeing?”
“Is that your pee pee mommy?”
“Can I flush it?”

For the most part, I am okay with it. I mean, I respect her curiosity. But sometimes though?! I mean… can a bitch get a little bit of motherfucking personal space?!

Wanna know when ELSE it is not the time?!

When I am taking a shower. I am not interested in having a conversation with my 2 year old about my shower in step by step format. Nor do I feel like talking to her about my pee pee and my boobs for the duration of my 15 minute shower.

Dont tell me that I should lock the door either. Because she will stand there and yell at me through the door.

“MOMMY!”
“MOMMYWHATAREYOUDOING???!”
“MOMMY ARE YOU TAKING A SHOWER NOW?”
“MOMMY ARE YOU WASHING YOUR PEEPEEANDYOURBOOBS?”

Yeah. Personal space?! What the fuck is that?!

These examples have nothing to do with adults who cannot comprehend the idea of personal space. That is a whole different fucking discussion. I cant even really be mad at Charli. She is too young to get it. But grown ass people?! Really?!

Do I want your face in my face?! No.
Do I want to turn around and have you 4inches from the back of me in the grocery line?! FUCK NO.
Must you sit RIGHT next to me in a public place when there are eleventy million fucking open seats around me? (i.e. the DOL or the DR office.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFUCK!

Get out of my bubble. Get out of my business. Get OUT of MY SPACE. BLAHHHHHHHHHHH.

Do you have a bubble? What are your feelings about personal space?
What is your favorite kind of sandwich?

Tags: Parenting, personal bubble, personal space

For That, I am Grateful: 1

Dec 29, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love

After long and hard contemplation, I have decided to steal this kick ass blog idea from my souliest sister in the whole wide world. It is about to be a New Year … and I can’t think of a better way to end my year in blogging by talking about the things that make me grateful.

She is doing 26 Days of Gratefulness. Each day represents a letter filled with things that she is eternally grateful for. Of course more than half of these days made me cry like a fucking baby because that is what the hell I do when there is anything mush or moosh involved in it. But when she does it … it hits me even harder. (I will get to her later.)

Since I am late to the game, mine will be broken in 2. Wanna hear it hear it goes.

*deepoverlyemotionalbreath*

A is for Awesomeness. I am grateful that I have discovered and have embraced my own Awesomeness. For one, because it is Awesome to own your Awesomeness … but more importantly, it is Awesome to show others that they are in fact Awesome. And to help another Awesome human being to embrace their own Awesomeness … is … well … Awesome in it’s own right.

B is for Breath. Being able to stop to catch my own. It is also for Babysitters. The one that I stumbled upon in my time of need has been a fucking life saver. Even in her own time of crisis, she stood by me and made sure that no matter what I was able to focus on what I needed to do for my family to survive without worrying about my kids’ well being. She has become not only my Babysitter, but one of my Best friends. B is also for Book. Because in 2009, I published mine. I am so proud of my accomplishment. I started it. I finished it. It is quality. It is mine. My creation. If nothing else ever comes of it other than my Lulu self publishing endeavor … I will still see myself as a success. Would I love to be on the Bestseller’s list? Duh. B is for Blogging. I have no clue what I would do if I didn’t have my Blog space.

C is for Courtni. Yep. I am grateful for me. This year has been a roller coaster, but I have been able to do a lot of good for myself and my family. I lost 30 pounds. I started a kick ass SUCCESSFUL blog site with the help of my Numbah 1. I took a risk by starting this job … but am already seeing the potential successes. Courtni is a stronger woman than she has ever been. She loves herself for the first time ever 100%. Flaws, strengths… all of it. So then really, C is also for Confidence.

D is for D. His absence right now sucks, but it doesn’t change the fact that I love him so much that it hurts. He is an amazing dad. He takes care of me, puts up with me, listens to my endless fucking ranting and loves me unconditionally. Flaws and all. When I cry he knows when and when not to leave me alone. When I just feel like being a bitch … he lets me. (Even if that means ignoring me completely) When I need to be held or loved or smacked around a little (I am kidding) or even told about myself, he just knows. D is my polar opposite. I yell, he just talks. I over analyze, he thinks things through. I freak out, he rationalizes. When we make love it is Dynamic. When we fuck … it is Dirty. He knows which one is the right one. As much as I am his rock, he is mine. Which would make sense as to why we have been together a Decade.

E is for Elasticity. I have gained this quality in the past 48 days. When a bitch gets knocked down, there is no other option other than to bounce back. It is for Energy (the positive kind.) I have had (for the most part) an abundance of it around me over the past 2 months. My new found family especially. E is also for Ears. Without them, I would have had no one to listen to me yell. And I have done my fair fucking share of yelling.

F is for Friendship. I have gone from no Friends to many Friends. True, ride or die fucking Friends. Friends who will give their last slice of bread to my Family if we were hungry. Or at least split it in half. Coming from a childhood where I moved every single year from 4th grade to 9th grade … I didn’t really have many Friends that I knew were real. The ones who I have managed to hold on to for dear life, I am grateful for each of you. Lisa, Jennifer, Stephanie, Rachael, Tweed, Kim1&2, Lirra … even though we don’t always talk or kick it, I am beyond grateful that I have a piece of my past with you. I don’t know if I have ever told any of you how important it is to me that we have managed to keep in touch over the many many years. Friendship is the most important thing to me besides my Family. To me, they go hand in hand. If you are my true Friend … you are my Family. Plain and simple. Food is a big F for me. I heart me some food. All kinds. F is also for Fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason.

G is for Goals. I have set lofty ones for 2010. I am going to achieve all of them. Come hell or high water.

H is for Home. It is for Health. It is for Happiness. H is for Honor. It is for Heart. I am grateful that I have been blessed with life lessons to know and understand what each and every one of these mean and own each of them. I will be working on the Health and the Happiness more this next year … but I am almost there. Closer than I have ever been. That feels awesome.

I is for Insecurities. Yes. I am grateful for my Insecurities because that means that I am human. I is also for Internet. If there was no Internet, I would never have met my soul sisters. I would never have been able to purge my soul for all of you. I is also for Ice cream. Because sometimes, every single problem can be solved with a big fat bowl of Ice cream.

J is for Job. Why? Because for the first time in years I have a Job that I absolutely love. Who has a Job that they have a fucking blast at 97% of the time? I am grateful for my Job and (almost) everyone that I work with there.

K is for Karma. I believe in it. You fuck me, Karma is going to fuck you harder. K is for kids. MY KIDS. Bad, good … bratty, not bratty. I love them. They are the reason I endure all of the chaos. I cannot describe in a blog the depth of love that I have for my kids. My heart swells on a daily basis as I watch them grow and learn and experience … and become these amazing little creatures. My creatures. My creations. I don’t know where I would be without either of them in my life. Also, K is for Kisses. Not the chocolate kind. The sensual, lovey, frenchy kind. Ask me the last time I have been Kissed. G’head. I remember thinking shortly before D left that it felt like we didn’t Kiss enough. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. Kisses. Gimme em.

L is for Love. Long Lasting Love. I Love Love. The idea of someone falling in Love with another person gets me all warm and tingly. To put it simply, I am in Love with Love. L is for Letters. I have received letters in the mail recently due to circumstances and they have kept me sane. I also think that L is for Longevity. Longevity in relationships, health, career … and Life. Because, L is also for Life. I am grateful for the Life I have been blessed with.

M is for Many Many Things. Music. Masturbation. Mommy’s. Motivation. Mayer. Martini. Marilyn Monroe. The most important thing? Music. Music saves me. If I need to be happy? Music. If I need a good cry? Music. If I need some panty dropping? Muuuuuuuusic. I need it in my life daily. Portishead. Natalie Merchant. Snoop. John Mayer. Poison. Alicia Keys. Elton John. Journey. Outkast. Sade. Aaliyah. John Legend. It all affects me the same but for different reasons.

List your A-M’s of gratefulness today. Take some time and remember what good we have been blessed with.

Tags: alicia keys, elton john, john legend, john mayer, journey, love, natalie merchant, outkast, poison, portishead, sade, snoop, www.squishisms.com

4 Minus 1

Dec 25, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, Family, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Parenting, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! (Who you callin’ a HO!?)

As you all know, I am not all “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOITSCHRISTMASSSSSSSSSS!” this year. But, with the me being told about myself and all … I have done my part to fake it until I make it. Annnnnnnnnnd I made it to the finish line. Yay me! Today is the big day that everyone and their dysfunctional mother is talking about.

Christmas. No wait … still faking it … Christmas! (Better?!)

My crooked tree is shining with pretty lights and ornaments. There are presents under it all wrapped and shit. Family and friends (even some unexpected ones) are making my family of 4 minus 1 feel super duper special today. It feels really good to know that there are folks in your corner that genuinely give a shit. Genuine shit givers are few and far between as of late. It seems that when you are beyond struggling … all of those with the best fucking mouthpieces talking about how they will have your back if you ever need anything ever … are the ones that are the most full of shit … and they disappear without a trace …

You know what? FUCK those guys. If you are one of them who told me you would be there for my family and I haven’t heard shit from you … not even just to check in and see how things are going?! Don’t call me. Ever. Delete me from your life if I haven’t already deleted your selfish asses.

(I feel better.)

This holiday season has taught me a few really key things about life. Some things I already knew but needed a refresher on … either way the lesson was re-etched in my brain.

1) True friends don’t need to tell you that they will be there for you. They just are.
2) God only gives you what he knows you can handle. He never sets out to break you. You break yourself.
3) A true testament of strength is when you start at the bottom of the barrel and the next thing you know you find yourself standing on the outside of it, staring down into where you once were … wondering how in the fuck you just got out.
4) No one likes a braggart. There is a time and a place for being a big mouth. True adults know when to keep their fucking mouths shut.
5) Unconditional is unconditional. Either you love someone for all that they are or you don’t. The lesson is that in order to truly love a person, you absolutely have to accept everything about them that you cannot change. Or, stay true to a shallow, loveless relationship where you are constantly trying to mold them into something they can or never will be able to be.

Ya digg?

I miss my D today. As I sit here in a silent house, I am reminded of all of the little traditions he and I have made over the last 9 Christmases that we have spent together. Maybe that is why Idontwantit this year. Because there is a piece of the puzzle missing. We always wrap the Santa presents with different paper than all of the others after the kids crash out. There is a note from Santa, thanking them for the cookies. D eats the cookies because he is a muncher … and that is his favorite part. He always rocks a Santa Hat. All day.

Sometimes I made him keep it on … for … you know. Heh. Okay all of the time but whatever.

D makes me listen to fucking Christmas music.

He cooks. All day. And then he sleeps. Ha!

The reality is that he isn’t here and so my plan is to not sleep through the day like I really want to but was (again) told about myself that it is not okay to do that on Christmas! so I will instead do as best as I can to make sure that as many of these little traditions as possible are felt by my kids. If that means that I have a private moment where I completely freak out … then so be it. The most important part is that my kids will smile and laugh and hopefully … even for just a moment … forget that we as a family of 4 minus 1 are going through one of the hardest times in all of our lives.

If I can pull that off … than I really AM Wonder Woman.

Cheers to the Holiday’s … and if I haven’t mentioned it before … thank you all so much for any and all support that you have given over this time in my life. All of it has gotten me through … and kept me smiling. Know that.

Merry Christmas.

Tags: christmas, Family, Parenting, spirit, wonder woman

The Many Reasons Why.

Dec 20, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, love, pillow talk

We are coming down to no time left of D’s extended vacation.

As we approach his return, I have started thinking about all of the reasons why I am so excited for him to come home.

Reason #1: Rhymes with Mex (ican).

Many people have made the comment to me about how the number of days I have gone without or the total number of days that I will have gone without is a drop in the bucket compared to theirs or whatever. Let me break something down for you. I am not living in a sexless, intimacy-less marriage. We (besides our moments of dysfunction…) genuinely love each other. Whether we are in a slump or not … he makes up for it with a good grudge fuck. So to not have it … especially not having it because I have been told that I CANT have it … makes me angry.

You better believe that someone is getting some immediately. Stat. On site.

Reason #2: He is more patient than I am. About everything. (Bitches I know you are surprised about that.)

So for a good couple of weeks, I am not going to be participating in anything kid related. You wanna tattle? Go to dad. You want some more motherfucking juice in your cup? Dad will get it. Period. Idontwantit. I am not participating in anything antagonized argument between these 2 little brat faces.

K?

Reason #3: I am lonely. (sadface)

My evenings usually consist of he and I in some sort of conversation. I don’t know about you all who are in relationships, but I actually enjoy spending time with my husband. We laugh our asses off. (Hello have you not read any of the Pillow Talk blogs?!)

Exactly. If anything, him being gone is a disservice to you as my loyal readers. Who looks forward to the next installment of our conversations?!

(me too. D is hilar)

Reason #5: I am tired of cleaning this fucking house.

I swear to Baby Jesus himself that I walk in circles around here picking shit up. Blocks. Socks. Paper. Crayons. Dishes. Fucking sucker sticks. (Thanks Ms.Moon) I get all excited that my house is FINALLY clean and then BLADAAAAAAW! More motherfucking blocks. More motherfucking SOCKS. More motherfucking dishes. Gah. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

It wouldn’t be so bad if that is ALL I FUCKING DID. But it isn’t. So, I think I dont want to anymore. K?

Reason #6: I don’t have time to cook.

So therefore I don’t eat as healthy as I would like to. This means I have gained some weight back. Not a lot, but still. I can tell a difference and I don’t like it. D cooked his awesome ass off, making sure that there was always something that I wanted to eat that I could eat with South Beach. Being that I am on the go all god damn day … I rarely have time to really think that far in advance. Ya dig?

Reason #7: Someone needs to have “The Talk” with Xavier.

Being as I don’t have a penis … (at least not one that is permanently attached to my body) … I dont think that I should be the one to do it. Just like I wouldn’t expect him to talk to Charli about female issues …

Bottom line: D needs to get some birds and bees business out in the air with Xavier. Pronto styles.

Reason 7.1: Charli misses the shit out of her dad.

Reason #8: I want to sleep.

Reason #9: Did I mention the SEX!?

Fucking aye.

I plan on:

picking a fight with his ass so we can have make up sex
lighting some candles so we can have that sweaty making love soap opera sex
putting on my candy apple red JSimpson FMP’s with some school girl stockings so we can have some inappropriate role play sex
wearing one of my fedora’s and an over sized white button up with my new HOT BOOTS so we can have some smooth criminal sex.
leaving for the weekend so we can have some all over the condo butt naked push the shit off the counter give it to me sideways sex.
a great deal of putitinmymouth oral sex.

And that is just the first few days. K? K.

Annnnnnnnnnnd Reason #10: I am spoiled.

I never saw it before. I am so god damn spoiled that it is stupid. I work my ass off every day and he takes care of everything the hell else.

I can honestly say that I am lost without him. So, a bitch is starting to count down. Get ready. It is about to get ugly.

Have a happy MondayBeforeChristmas!

Are you done shopping?
Have you been naughty or nice?
What have you asked Santa for this year?

Tags: birds and bees, Family, jail, marriage, Sex

Honest Tuesday’s: I am a Softie.

Dec 15, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, DUH, Family, Honest Tuesday's, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Parenting, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms

Hello and welcome to Honest Tuesdays!

It has been brought to my attention (by me) that I have become soft in my old age.

I know. Shocking, isn’t it?

Remember how yesterday we talked about decisions? Well I had made a decision originally to deny Xavier of any and all things Christmas. No tree. Not a single decoration in my house. I hoped that Charli wouldnt know the difference … but I was totally wrong because this 2 year old is all about some Christmas and presents and Santa. As much as it hurt to the core to be the bad guy, I have reluctantly stuck to my guns, leaving me in a place where I am questioning my decision.

Am I being a bad mommy?!
Is he gonna hate me forever?!
Is this even going to get the point across?!
Am I the Grinch?! Officially?

I don’t want to be The Grinch! I love the holiday season. The lights, the feeling of giving love to another person. … all of it.

Not only that but I have had input from peanut galleries all across the world. One who’s opinion I value more than she knows.

Over a great deal of alcohol, she reminded me about what all of this was really about. Love. Sharing with the people who we love the most … tokens of our affection over the holidays. Yes, I will admit that she told me about myself. I had to pull myself out of my own stubbornness to see it, but she was right.

So…. this weekend, we are gonna get a tree. And we are gonna decorate it. Just the 3 of us. And, I am gonna put some presents under there. It wont be this big ordeal like it always has been, but we will keep the Christmas Eve pajama tradition … and … Xavier will have a couple of things from me under the tree this year.

Because this season is about love. And, as mad as I am at him … I love him more than I think he realizes.

As easy is it for me to say “fuggetabout” it about the holidays, I am doing my kids a disservice for being that way. I am not that mom. And, let’s face it. I am being fucking pouty and bitter and selfish and I need to knock it the fuck off.

So there. I was honest. 100%. Now it is your turn. What have you been less than honest about lately?

Also, do you have any Christmas traditions with your families?

Tags: christmas, christmas tree, honest tuesday, Parenting, presents, santa

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Dec 11, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, DUH, Etc., Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, The Tarably Wicked Show, You've Got Wicked Mail

Happy Motherfucking Friday! Tonight is my department’s holiday party. I am super excited to get out of the office, out and about … and hang with the cool peeps that I work with.

With that said, it is the same this week as it was last week and the week before that … repeat. Purge your weekly frustrations out on this blog so that you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekends!

Dear Foot,

Really? I mean … R E A L L Y?!

I know that my putting you in stiletto’s on a daily basis for a minimum of 9 hours is maybe something that you might be spiteful for. But … completely giving out on me while in said heels?! While I was walking?! AT WORK NO LESS!?

Fuck. If that wasn’t bad enough, you brought my knee into the hate by scuffing it all up and leaving rug burn on it as if I were the star of some blow job themed porno. (I am not.)

All I am saying is a little warning would be nice.

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Dear Carol,

Thanks for the surprise phone call. I was so happy to have heard your voice today. Love you.

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To My Tarable,

I love you and I am sorry that you are dealing with yet another loss. I know you are trying to fake the “I’m okay” funk but I know you are hurting. Whatever you need … I am there.

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Dear Xavier,

I am proud of you for trying. You are not perfect and that is okay. We are gonna get you back on track. I promise.

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Dear Charli,

God I wish I could bring your daddy back. I know you miss him.

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Dear Vagina,

You are not allowed to take over my ability to make good decisions. No matter how hard you try to convince me. NOT ALLOWED.

Not even if the penis is platinum plated and cums diamonds. (Well maybe then. BUT ONLY THEN.)

K!?
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Dear DumbShit,

We are all so much better off now that you are gone. Like, SO.

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Dear You,

I just want to fucking SEE it.

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New Girl,

Um, you must not have had a conversation with Baby Jesus yet. Because if you had … He would have told you specifically that I am not the motherfucking one. And then you would have known not to 1) slow eye roll me when we ACCIDENTALLY bumped into one another … as if it was my fucking fault that your ass is too slow and also kind of as wide ass the doorway. 2) come to my area and try and tell me that I “actually sound good on the phone.” Um … is that supposed to be a compliment? Hello!? Have you ever in your life spoken to another person before in person? Because had you … you might have reconsidered approaching me with some bullshit like that. Because … um … I know that I sound good on the phone. There is no surprise there. Furthermore, you are new. I don’t need a god damn baby jesus bit of advice from some new fucking doormat personality bitch about how my pitch sounds.

Make it through 90 days of employment first. Then you can come to me with some words of wisdom. Until then, keep your commentary AND YOUR MOTHERFUCKING EYEROLLS to yourself.

Capeche?

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Annnnnnnnnnnnnd the Friday Eye Candy!

Boris Kodjoe. Um HELLO HOTTIE. My vagina loves and thanks you.

A classic hottie. Carmen Electra.

If you stumbled upon a genie in a bottle … what would your 3 wishes be? (You cannot wish for more wishes)
If you had a crystal ball … what or who would you look at in it?

Tags: boris kodjoe, carmen electra, eye candy, work, you've got mail