Accidents Happen?
May 3, 2009 Addiction & Recovery, All Things Charli, Current Events, Parenting, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms
If you have kids, know someone who does… please take a moment after reading this to be reminded that within a split second… your entire life can be changed.
Saturday through a loop in our weekend schedule, being that I started my 4 week Relapse Prevention class. It was the same hustle and bustle as any other weekday, but I needed D to get up and run me to class in order for him to have the car all day to run errands and what not. So I woke him up out of a dead sleep and rushed him around the house, trying to get him and Charli out the door so I wouldn’t be late too class.
He, like every morning, took his medicine. Although he did something completely out of the ordinary. He left the bottle on his desk, rather than putting it back on the top shelf of his closet like he normally does. He ran out to start the car, and came back in to grab Charli… only to find her standing in front of his desk with the bottle in her hands. It was open.
So he ran his finger around in her mouth, smelled her breath and checked her and the floor to make sure that she hadn’t ingested anything. All looked normal so he threw her over his shoulder and we rushed out the door to get me to class.
She slept all the way home. She slept a good portion of the afternoon… which is not out of the ordinary considering that her sleep schedule has been crappy due to her getting some more teeth in (will it ever end?) What was unusual was when she did wake up, she was completely listless. She could barely open her eyes, and was babbling endlessly.
D called me and told me what had happened earlier in the morning, plus what was going on at that time. He said he had just counted the number and he thought that there was one of his pills missing. I had him come and get me immediately. We took her to the hospital just to be safe. I was completely embarrassed and frightened… so I had a full on panic attack in the ER as we were telling the admitting nurse what had happened.
They called poison control, followed their instructions to the tee… and then made the decision to monitor her breathing overnight.
D and I (well mostly I) made the decision that I would stay overnight with her while he went home and hung out with X. On my way home, I had some quiet time to really process my feelings and fears and the situation as a whole because it had all happened so fast that I was only able to live in the moment… rather than understand what my feelings meant and who they were being directed at.
I realized how angry I was at D. I found myself blaming him for being so careless. That his lack of attentiveness really put our child in danger. I then began to blame myself. If I would have woken him up earlier he could have had an opportunity to wake up fully first. Why didnt I watch her? Where was I? I felt like I was a failure. Like I had all of the possibility in the world to protect and prevent my daughter from ever having access to this stuff… yet, I didnt.
So I phoned a friend. I needed to not feel ashamed that this happened, and by telling someone who I knew would love me anyway while telling me the honest truth … I hoped that I would have the ability to forgive myself, my husband and own my part… and move forward. Thank Goddess I called her. She was the thing I needed to remind myself that it really was an accident. A fucking stupid preventable accident… but an accident.
She gave me the strength I needed to walk back into the hospital, and really be there for Charli like she needed me to be. Not wrapped up in self pity or guilt and shame. She gave me the kick in the ass to remember that my husband is as human as anyone… and that he IS a good dad… and that he was feeling as awful as I was. And not to project my feelings on to him… but to remind him that we are in it together… and that I love the shit out of him.
The doctors and nurses were amazingly supportive and not at all judgmental. I expressed my concerns with the perception that we were neglectful and how much I felt like I failed as a parent by letting something that serious be available for my daughter to get into. Even just that one time. The doctor really listened. She told me that, as awful of a feeling as it is… accidents do happen. And, as long as we really understand that it is always better to be over cautious (which we normally are) than to be not cautious enough in the future that everything would be okay.
She expressed her perception of us being genuinely good parents, and not at all like some that she sees regularly who are consistently neglecting to keep their kids out of harms way. Hearing her say that meant a great deal because I have never felt like a failure as a parent until yesterday.
So here I sit, the day after… watching her play with her kitty and brother, listening to her giggle… and I am so grateful that she is here with us. Because, sometimes accidents turn into tragedy. And, as they are just accidents… they still completely can impact your life in one way or another. I am so thankful that this did not turn out that way… and I will be taking the steps to ensure that nothing like this ever ever ever happens again.
My publicly admitting my responsibility in this is theraputic for me. Especially if I can remind someone else to walk through their house and double check to make sure that these kinds of things are where they are supposed to be: On the top shelf of the medicine cabinet. When I just did a walk through, I picked up my Aleve and Theraflu off of the microwave… because, as convenient as it is for me to have it there… it is not worth any risk.
Sorry for the heavy tone, but I felt like my story should be put out there in the universe. Have a good rest of your day… and feel free to share in your own experiences if you have any.
W.C.
Open Mouth, Insert Foot. What’s New?
Apr 28, 2009 Addiction & Recovery, DUH, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Ranteriffic, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms
To Be Present: No matter the circumstance, the counselor must put all underlying issues to the side when in front of their client.
This was the lesson I learned in my “Motivational Interviewing” class last night. We had a discussion a couple of weeks ago about how sometimes we have our lives blow up in our faces … but in this field … you gotta sweep the pandemonium under the rug. In this field, the client-base is a fragile bunch who, regardless of coercion or voluntary admittance, if they show up for their appointment … we have to be ready to be present.
With that said, on to the funny, put-my-loopy-foot-in-my-mouth moment of the night.
Remember from the past 2 blogs recapping my own behavior change… everyone else had to write down a change in behavior as well. My “client”s issue was his issue with over-eating… specifically at night. So he is talking, A LOT and I am trying to get my head into the session.
Him: “I think that the positives will be weight loss and my health all together…”
Me: (interrupting of course) “So weight loss? Do you think that you will add exersize to this, or allow cutting back on your hand-to-face situation do all of the pound loss talking for you?”
Him: “Uhhhh did you just say hand-to-face situation?”
Me: (recalling and then trying to own it) “Uhhh… Yeah. You know hand-to-face. Like handful of food, shoved into your face. Hand-to-face.”
Yes, I really did the motions of the hand-to-face situation to demonstrate to him what exactly I was referring to.
I am going to be an AMAZING counselor.
Have you put your foot in your mouth recently?
Have you witnessed or been a victim of a foot in the mouth?
Feeling Ranty? Do what you need to do.
Even the Lightbulb in My Head Procrastinates
Apr 20, 2009 Addiction & Recovery, DUH, Friendship, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Plunges, Random, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms
I wrote last week about how in my motivational interviewing/counseling techniques class we were asked to pick a behavior about us that we would like to work on changing… with the purpose being to learn to be good counselors and not good actors. The intent is to practice specific techniques with real behaviors… so that we get an idea of how we act and react naturally in all facets of the field.
The behavior that I am working on is my excessive and methodic procrastination.
Last week, the focal question was “What are the positives in continuing this behavior?” I was really unable to think about what the positives were in me waiting until the very last minute to do everything… and knowing that I am doing it.
This week, the focal question was “What are the negative consiquences associated with not continuing this behavior?” This question stumped me. If I am addressing this behavior as something that is not good… then what could possibly be negative about not continuing?
So we go in order, with me being the client last. I listened to the others in my group, and was still stumped as to what the negative was in me not continuing to procrastinate. When we finally got to me, I started talking about all of the things I was doing to try and chane the behavior… and how I was so far pretty successful in doing so up to now. As I was talking it out, I began to realize the reason. The method to my madness.
It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. Sound effects and all.
As I was telling my ” counselor” about my behavior, I started talking about how it was as if I was subconsciously yet purposefully procrastinating doing things in every avenue of my life. And that was it. I realized that I break the rules a bit when I procrastinate. I know that I need to have things done by a certain time. I am aware that I need to be in specific places by set times. But I don’t follow those rules.
Why? Because. I have been placed in the role of the responsible person. I am the one who has dug her size 9’s in the sand and have made this strong, sturdy foundation of my life… and my family. Especially with D on the road to recovery, and in dealing with his addiction for so long… I have owned the role as the rock. I cannot remember the last time when I did not consider others in my decisions. I dont know how to just let loose and do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And whether or not I placed myself there and didn’t know it… or if I was put there by someone else… or both… doesn’t really matter. I am breaking little rules. I am in control of these little acts of irresponsible rebellion.
I like that they, as small as they may be, are my own little outs. Don’t we all need to feel like rebels once in awhile?
So now I wonder if my procrastination is something that I really want to change. There are risks and rewards in every behavior. This risk could at worst affect my job… if I simply stop making a conscious effort to be to work on time.
Do I want to give up the little things that I do have control and rebellion over? I dont know for sure.
What I do know is that, in these 3 weeks of talking about things… I have learned that I do not spend enough time looking inward. I am so focused on the well being of the people who surround me, that I forget that my soul needs cleansed once in awhile. I may not be in recovery, but I still have things within me that are broken and that desperately need repair.
Maybe, I will address that baby step like I have been doing… and tackle it head on, rather than try and work on all aspects of my procrastination problem being that it has the most risk associated with it and then go from there.
Baby steps… Right!? GAH!!!
Have a great day!
Do you break little rules? What?
Did you pick something to work on with me? What?
How are you coming on your baby steps from last week? I know that some of you were tackling some pretty heavy stuff. I would love to hear about your progress.
Also, a special TMI for Tuesday, because we all deserve a good laugh.
Tarable called me today to tell me that when she was unpacking the box with her purses and clothes in it, she found one of her old dildos inside one of her ‘going out purses’. She said… and I quote: “You know it was on one of my drunken slutty rampages because … um … it wasnt washed.”
Picture THAT! HAHAHAHAAHAHAH!
Any similar stories to share?
Procrastination Station
Apr 14, 2009 Addiction & Recovery, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Plunges, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms
I have a tough quarter in school ahead of me. Mentally.
In one of my counseling classes we are learning how to … well … be counselors. So in order to actually use the skills we have learned so far rather than become really good at pretending with fake issues… we have all picked a behavior to work on changing over the course of the quarter, and hopefully on a permanent basis.
The behavior I chose to consciously work on was my premeditated procrastination. Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? I know. But listen.
I know that it takes me 25 minutes to get ready for work. Therefore, I only allow myself that exact amount of time to get ready.
I do my homework at the very last moment allowed. Sometimes, the paper is still warm from the copier when I turn it in.
If I have a deadline, there is no motivation for me to do it early. Even if the material is available days before. I will not even begin to think about doing it until the very last minute allowed.
These are only a couple of examples.
I literally have always been this way. And, as I procrastinate everything else… I have procrastinated on changing this behavior. Even to the point of making efforts to change… and then procrastinating on those efforts. As silly as it sounds, I think that my excessive putting-shit-off-until-the-last-minute has a lot to do with my hunger for controlled chaos. I do not like to feel bored or unchallenged. Not even a little bit.
So, I purposefully put as much shit off as possible. It is like having to pee really bad… but waiting until I am performing the pee-pee dance to actually go to the bathroom.
So, before we even talked about it, I started working on it.
I have been on time to work every day for the last 2 weeks. (give or take 5 minutes)
I am almost finished with my monthly deadline requirements … ahead of schedule.
I have my homework done 2 weeks in advance.
Go me!
My sleep deprived point tonight is that we all have those underlying things that we think about changing about ourselves. Some are more pressing issues than others are. Other things take time and sometimes professional assistance. If you have been standing at Procrastination Station like I have been… maybe today is as good as any to pick one and hop on for the ride. I am 2 weeks into my changes, and I feel really good about the little progress that I have made so far. Eventually, I would like to take on another thing… because I have a couple more that I would like to tackle eventually… but I won’t get ahead of myself.
Baby steps, you know?
Have you thought about something specific you would like to adjust about the already amazing you… to make you that much more amazing?
Are you a procrastinator?
Do you thrive in chaos?
If you could describe you today as a color… what color would you be today and why?
Have you taken any baby steps lately?
Tags: behavior, changes, pee pee dance, procrastinator, school, train station
‘Til I drop
Dec 28, 2008 Addiction & Recovery, Masturbate-able, Random, Thoughts and Perceptions
I am a shop-aholic.
It used to be that I was addicted to shopping at stores for ‘free.99′, or more popularly known the ‘five finger discount’. Meaning, I was a shopLIFT-aholic. I blogged over a year ago that I used to be a thief. Until the one dreaded moment in time when the stupid Loss Prevention SOB catches you and sends your adrenaline rush down the toilet.
I remember my very first brush with the ‘law’ when I was an early teen. My friend and I were lifting make-up from the local drug store. Our pockets were full to the brim with the goods. I could feel the rush of the break toward the door approaching. Each and every step I took drew more and more flutterby’s in the pit of my stomach.
My friend and I made the eye contact as we made a break for it. As soon as her feet hit the pavement on the outside of the store, I watched his hand grab her arm and yank her back inside. Frantic, I slid into the back of the store and into the bathroom, where I dumped every last stolen treasure into the toilet… and flushed it all down with a bowlful of my nervous bile.
She was caught. I was not. She ended our friendship shortly after that because I did not hop into the back of the cop car with her and take a trip past ‘Go’ without my motherfucking $200.
That should have been my lesson to never ever ever take something that didn’t belong to me. Regardless, I am happily recovering from my horrible addiction.
Now, when I get angry or stressed or ‘choke-a-bitch-out-ed‘ I get in my Jeep, and find the nearest place to spend some dough. It feels good to have my hands full of bright colored bags that are full of ‘paid for’ new-new’s.
New makeup.
New books.
New shoes.
New pens.New smell-goods.
New music.
New New New.
Even previously owned (consigned if you will) items give me just as an amazing high if not better than new stuff because not only is the high from the purchase prevalent, but the high from getting something at an amazing deal is on the tip of my clit right along with it.
Bottom line: I <3 shopping. Too much. Don’t get me wrong, I am not to the point where my bills get unpaid so I am able to get that new Prada bag or those new Jimmy Choo’s… but when it has been awhile since I have had a chance to spend some moo-lah, a bitch gets edgy. Edgy like lack of sex or missing my morning mocha.
Oh man. To have all 3, simultaneously?!
Shopping, while getting fucked with a quad iced white chocolate snickerdoodle mocha in my hand?!? *dies*
If you will excuse me… I have a new masturbateable fantasy to live out.
What is your ___aholism? Your vice?!?
If you were in my shoes, would you have turned yourself in, or gotten rid of the goods?
If you were in her shoes, what would you have expected your friend to do?
Tags: jail, loss prevention, masturbate, monopoly, Sex, shopaholic, shoplifting, shopping
The Mother (in-law) Load.
Dec 10, 2008 Addiction & Recovery, Relationships, Thoughts and Perceptions
Raise your hand if you have one.
Raise your hand if you know of a friend or relative who has one.
Now. Raise your hand if you or your friend/relative’s expieriences are pleasant ones… most of the time.
I have a friend. She is one of my oldest, dearest friends in the whole world. She happens to have the mother in law from hell. I could tell you horror story upon horror story of the manipulation and gameplay that has commenced on a weekly… sometimes daily basis with this one.
I have another friend. She has a mother in law who is a loving caring woman. She respects boundaries, doesnt overstep into the fine lines that are drawn in the sand over parenting styles… her grandkids adore her… and for the most part, so does my friend. The problem is that she has a tendency to be flaky. This is not new information to my friend. In fact, if you asked this MIL, she would attest to her flaky ways.
Today, my friend wrote to me… partially in jest of the situation, but the other part angered. Here is what she wrote:
“We all know she is a great woman. We also all know that she has a problem. I tried to ask her to leave her debit card at home, and just take minimal cash with her to the casino. She, of course, refused… and went missing for 24 hours. No call, no nothing. She finally called me at 2:30 AM because she ‘was not having fun anymore.’ She wanted one of us to come pick her up. Of course He did… because that is his mom, but mostly because I simply did not have it in me at that hour to even acknowledge the reality or validity of this phone call. So He drove 40 minutes to this casino, where he found her sprawled on a bench in front of the entrance. He pretty much had to carry her to the car. Her and the liquor cabinet that she was carrying on her breath.
We, including my child, were all worried sick. I called hospitals and police stations… but in my heart I knew that she simply was being selfish. She was not hurt… she just didnt think to call. My mother in law literally lost track of 24+ hours.
Bottom line, I have lost respect for her. She has crossed the line, and what I have to say… she doesnt want to hear”
What does she do?
Does my friend have the right to say something to her about this incident?
Or is she to leave it to her son to handle?
Do you have an in-law-from-hell story?? Even if it isnt your own. I would love someone to top this.
Tags: alcohol, casino, drunk, hospital, in laws, lost track of time, money, respect, worry
Showered in Thought
Dec 3, 2008 Addiction & Recovery, Random, Thoughts and Perceptions
It never fails. When I am in the shower, I think. It is pretty much the only time I have of uninteruppted silence. No phone, no kids, no D. Just me, the scalding hot water, and my thoughts. So many of my most amazing poems came to my mind straight from the shower to the computer.
Weird.
My AIDS blog turned a lot of heads. I am proud to know all of you who, despite all of the stigmas… would still love me the same if I were infected. Thanks for understanding my purpose for the blog, and not being upset that I tricked you. Well, SOME of you anyway. Some bitches didnt believe it for a second. Heh. Who am I foolin.
Fall quarter is over. I am pretty sure that I recieved all A’s. If I got a B in any class, it is the one that I missed 3 of 10 questions on a true or false only quiz. WTF? I dont agree with T/F questions because 9 times out of 10 they are meant to trick you into guessing the wrong option. So, I wont be mad if I get a B. I will try harder for 4.0 in Winter Quarter. I dont know what classes I am taking yet, but I am excited to be moving on to more counselor specific courses. The ones I have taken this quarter were more general… and many students are not in it to be CDPs. I am ready to surround myself with my future peers.
Last week, we had a pretty intense discussion about different counseling scenarios. We broke off into groups, and were given situations that we had to decide what we would do as counselors in them. One of them was whether or not we would accept a thought out gift from a client. The gift was a handmade frame from a single mom with no money. Our group said that we would absolutely have accepted it.
Another group discussed why they wouldnt cross that boundry. One of my classmates, who is a director at an all male CDP inpatient facility discussed how he would not accept the gift, because ‘they’ tended to be manipulative. He went on to talk about the levels of manipulation that ‘they’ would go to, essentially to get what they want.
That bothered me. A lot. So I raised my hand, and spoke up about it. I challenged his thinking and his generalized views on ‘them’. I asked him how could he sit there and learn about how ‘they’ are humans, who are sick and how addiction is a disease that affects the brain… yet speak about ‘them’ as if they were any differently.
Of course I was upset, but I was diplomatic. My instructor was pretty much floored at the fact that I spoke up about it. My instructor played referee and we moved on.
After class that night, in the shower, I thought about it… and I kinda felt bad that I called him on the carpet. I regretted not pulling him to the side. I regretted more not thinking it through before acting on emotions. I decided to apologize to him this week. At least for being a pain in the ass… if nothing else.
This week, he approached me and he thanked me for pushing him to rethink his process. He admitted to realizing that he had become cynical in his years of public service… and my calling his generalizations on the carpet opened the door to reflect and change his ways and his outlook on addiction… but more importantly, drug addicts.
I literally felt my heart swell. How good did it feel to influence someone else to just stop and think about how they approached life? Damn good. Thats how good.
It made my night. I am less pms-ey than I was earlier. 
Where do you do the most thinking?
What inspires you?
Have you been called out similarly before? How did you react?
Have you stood up to someone similarly? Was your approach effective?
