Living Wicked

Pillow Talk — 7

Mar 2, 2010 Current Events, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, pillow talk 12 Comments

Yo! Yo! Yo!

I always give love to Ms. Lilu for inspiring my Pillow Talk blogs because she posts The Shiz My Boyfriend Says. And I love her so you should read her. Word?

(while watching SNL…)

Me: “Jlo is both the artist and the guest?”
D: “I dunno…”
Me: “What in the hell is she singing tonight?”
D: “I think she sings some mexi stuff.”
Me: “Mexi stuff? Really?”
D: “You know what I meant.”
Me: “So racist.”
D: “Yeah. That’s me. A closet racist.”
Me: “Like mexi fries? Mexi melt?”
D: “Shutup.”

(20 minutes later …)

Me: “Damn Jlo has ass.”
D: “Somethin’ has to make up for her lack of voice.”
Me: “Seriously. Enrique Iglasias needs to tell his wife about herself because dude. She sounds like a dying cat.”
D: (laughing)
Me: “What?”
D: “Jlo’s husband is not named Enrique.”
Me: “Huh?”
D: “You called Jlo’s husband Enrique Iglasias.”
Me: “Oh whatever. Enrique Iglasias … Mark Anthony … sounds the same to me.”
D: “The names sound absolutely nothing alike.”
Me: “You know what I meant!”
D: “You are the closet racist, not me.”
Me: “Wow.”

(in response to a discussion about a husband wanting an “exercise pole” in the house against his wifes will)

Me: “Any man that wants a stripper pole in the house and the wife doesn’t … that just screams infidelity.”
D: “He SAID it was an exercise pole.”
Me: “It is an infidelity pole.”
D: “I am gonna put a stripper pole in the man cave.”
Me: “You have a motherfucking death wish.”
D: “I have hella seating.”
Me: “I will kill you.”
D: “There are tools down there to install it.”
Me: “You are joking.”
D: “There are MIRRORS down there.”
Me: “There will be no pole ala stripper in my house.”
D: “That is why the man cave is in the garage now.”
Me: “Die.”
D: “I am just saying. OH! There is MUSIC out there too!!!!!”
Me: “I am going to poison you.”
D: “Babe, it is all for you.”
Me: “Yeah because I am gonna walk out to the “Man Cave” and use the fucking stripper pole.”
D: “Why cant we have one?”
Me: “We can have one when we have our own wing in our house.”
D: “Really?”
Me: “Yep. Because if we have a pole, we need a swing and one of those rocking chair dong ride thingies.”
D: “I really love you.”
Me: “Duh.”

If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, which song would you choose?
If you were asked to choose which time you would like to live in, which century would you choose?

Pillow Talk – 6 (Valentine’s Day Edition)

Feb 14, 2010 Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, love, pillow talk 16 Comments

Happy Monday!

I jacked this idea from Lilu … “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says” so I gotta always show her some love. If you don’t read … you should.

It took a little bit of an adjustment period for me to have the opportunity to gather material for these weekly installments, but now that D is on a roll … we are in business.

D: (laying in bed) “Why don’t you come over here and let me pound your pee flaps?”
Me: “My what?!”
D: “Your pee flaps. You know … where you pee … the flaps …”
Me: “Um. I get it but really?”
D: “What can I say. I am a total romantic.”

(10 minutes later)

Me: “Does your hip still hurt old man?”
D: “No. But something else does.”
Me: “What?”
D: “The tip.”
Me: “The tip of what?”
D: “Heh.”
Me: “Is this your creative way of asking me for a blow job right now?”
D: “It is neglected. That is all I am saying.”
Me: (touching it) “Does it hurt right here?”
D: (fake ass whimpering) “Yeaaaahhh”
Me: “Oh wooooooowww right now.”

(ticktockticktockticktock)

Me: “You didn’t use my Dove bar to wash your balls did you?”
D: “No I did not.”
Me: “Speaking of your balls right now…”
D: “You want to put them in your mouth?”
Me: “Pretty sure I just did. And being that I did, I think you should shave them.”
D: (looking)
Me: “You have 70’s porn star balls.”
D: “I am offended.”
Me: “No I am offended. You have 70’s porn star afro balls. Shave them.”
D: “No! They just need a trim!”
Me: “A BIC maybe!”

(same night … as I am dozing off I get a tap on the shoulder. …)

D: “psssssst. Babe.”
Me: “What?!’
D: “I am gonna jump out of a big cake on your birthday this year.”

Me: “That kinda defeats the purpose of it being a surprise if you tell me about it beforehand.”
D: “I am gonna be all oiled up in a banana hammock covered in glitter.”
Me: “Glitter? Really?”
D: “No! I meant sequins! Not glitter!”
Me: “Because sequins are way more manly.”
D: “Anyway, I think I will jump out of a box. Not a cake. A cake would be messier. I am going to jump out, all oiled up … like I said and drop it while its hot … all while professing my love for you.”
Me: “What is up with this sudden profession of love?”
D: “This isn’t sudden!”
Me: “It’s the BJ isn’t it.”
D: “NO! Well … yeah … I mean our love is the icing on the cake.”
Me: “Wow.”
D: “And the sprinkles.”
Me: “Really? You are a piece of work.”
D: “At least I am not a piece of shit. I would rather be a piece of meat.”
Me: “You are my piece of meat baby.”
D: “Did I mention that when I pop up out of this box, I will be wearing tear away chaps and a vest?”
Me: “Uhhhhh… I think you should not do that.”
D: “No?”
Me: “No. Our life is not a walking YMCA Village People music video.”
D: ” I love you.”
Me: “You just love my BJ’s.”

Would you rather eat a scorpion or lick a cactus?

Would you rather have 7 toes or have 7 fingers?

Guess What’s Back … Back Again? Pillow Talk … Tell a Friend

Feb 7, 2010 Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, pillow talk 16 Comments

Happy Monday! Guess who won the Superbowl? Psh like I give a fauxck.

I have had some emails wondering why there have been no Pillow Talk blogs as of late. Not to be a sarcastic cunt or anything but I guess I am wondering how Pillow Talk would be possible when the person (D) on the other pillow is not around to share a conversation with.

Just saying.

So, for your enjoyment, here are some recent conversation between the infamous D and myself.

(This convo took place after last weekend’s shenanigans where some random douchebag thought my name was Nicole … and all of my LOVELY friends played into it by screaming “NIKKI” as I attempted to drunkenly convince him that my name was NOT in fact Nicole or Nikki)

D: “Whatever Nikki.”
Me: “You must want to get stabbed.”
D: “I must admit, you could pull off Nikki if you really wanted to.”
Me: “Is that right?”
D: “Yeah. I mean, Nikki is a slutty name. And well … you are kinda slutty.”
Me: (Pondering)
D: “And, I mean Nikki is a bitchy name too. Like ‘I cant STAND that bitch Nikki.”
Me: “You just have it all figured out, don’t you?”
D: “Hey. I am not the one who thought your name was Nikki. I am just saying. If the slutty shoe fits… call her Nikki.”
Me: “I am going to murder you.”

Approximately 10 minutes later…

Me: “You have to wake me up at 7:30 tomorrow.”
D: “What am I, your personal alarm clock?”
Me: “You are my personal more than that and you know it.”
D: “Psh.”
Me: “Mmmmmhm. That is why you answered like that. Cause you know.”
Me: “7:30. Alright? And you better wake me up nicely.”
D: “I know how I am gonna wake you up. HehHehHeh.”
Me: “NO! I am NOT A MORNING PERSON GOD DAMNIT!”
D: “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”
Me: “Really? Have we just met?”
D: “What I was GONNA say was I would just wake Charli up early and let HER deal with your non-morning person ass.”
Me: “That would be stupid on your part.”
D: “Why?”
Me: “Because she isn’t a morning person either and I will be getting ready for work, so you will have to deal with her bratty ass.”
D: “Fuuuuck.”
Me: “Yep. Better stick to just waking me up nicely.”
D: “Thisdick.”
Me: “You are a 6th grader.”
D: “Deeeeeeznuttts.”
Me: “I often find myself questioning why I even talk to you.”

Because he takes care of me so well when I am sick…

Me: “I feel like shit right now. My throat and ears feel like sandpaper on the inside.”
D: (smirking)
Me: “I wish I could shove my hands down my throat and scratch them. Blah!”
D: “I think I might have a cure for that itch.”
Me: “Idontwantit.”
D: “I am just trying to help you scratch the deepest parts of your throat baby.”
Me: “I swear to Christ I hate you.”
D: “Why such hatred? Here I am fixing the problem and you are so ungrateful.”
Me: “Whatever.”
D: “Fine. Don’t come crying to me when your throat still itches. That is, unless you have made the decision to allow me to *ahem* scratch that itch.”
Me: “Idontwantit!”
D: “Such ungratefulness these days.”

Would you rather fight Mike Tyson, or permanently talk like him?
If you had to assassinate one famous person still living, who would it be and how would you do it?

The Many Reasons Why.

Dec 20, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, love, pillow talk 28 Comments

We are coming down to no time left of D’s extended vacation.

As we approach his return, I have started thinking about all of the reasons why I am so excited for him to come home.

Reason #1: Rhymes with Mex (ican).

Many people have made the comment to me about how the number of days I have gone without or the total number of days that I will have gone without is a drop in the bucket compared to theirs or whatever. Let me break something down for you. I am not living in a sexless, intimacy-less marriage. We (besides our moments of dysfunction…) genuinely love each other. Whether we are in a slump or not … he makes up for it with a good grudge fuck. So to not have it … especially not having it because I have been told that I CANT have it … makes me angry.

You better believe that someone is getting some immediately. Stat. On site.

Reason #2: He is more patient than I am. About everything. (Bitches I know you are surprised about that.)

So for a good couple of weeks, I am not going to be participating in anything kid related. You wanna tattle? Go to dad. You want some more motherfucking juice in your cup? Dad will get it. Period. Idontwantit. I am not participating in anything antagonized argument between these 2 little brat faces.

K?

Reason #3: I am lonely. (sadface)

My evenings usually consist of he and I in some sort of conversation. I don’t know about you all who are in relationships, but I actually enjoy spending time with my husband. We laugh our asses off. (Hello have you not read any of the Pillow Talk blogs?!)

Exactly. If anything, him being gone is a disservice to you as my loyal readers. Who looks forward to the next installment of our conversations?!

(me too. D is hilar)

Reason #5: I am tired of cleaning this fucking house.

I swear to Baby Jesus himself that I walk in circles around here picking shit up. Blocks. Socks. Paper. Crayons. Dishes. Fucking sucker sticks. (Thanks Ms.Moon) I get all excited that my house is FINALLY clean and then BLADAAAAAAW! More motherfucking blocks. More motherfucking SOCKS. More motherfucking dishes. Gah. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

It wouldn’t be so bad if that is ALL I FUCKING DID. But it isn’t. So, I think I dont want to anymore. K?

Reason #6: I don’t have time to cook.

So therefore I don’t eat as healthy as I would like to. This means I have gained some weight back. Not a lot, but still. I can tell a difference and I don’t like it. D cooked his awesome ass off, making sure that there was always something that I wanted to eat that I could eat with South Beach. Being that I am on the go all god damn day … I rarely have time to really think that far in advance. Ya dig?

Reason #7: Someone needs to have “The Talk” with Xavier.

Being as I don’t have a penis … (at least not one that is permanently attached to my body) … I dont think that I should be the one to do it. Just like I wouldn’t expect him to talk to Charli about female issues …

Bottom line: D needs to get some birds and bees business out in the air with Xavier. Pronto styles.

Reason 7.1: Charli misses the shit out of her dad.

Reason #8: I want to sleep.

Reason #9: Did I mention the SEX!?

Fucking aye.

I plan on:

picking a fight with his ass so we can have make up sex
lighting some candles so we can have that sweaty making love soap opera sex
putting on my candy apple red JSimpson FMP’s with some school girl stockings so we can have some inappropriate role play sex
wearing one of my fedora’s and an over sized white button up with my new HOT BOOTS so we can have some smooth criminal sex.
leaving for the weekend so we can have some all over the condo butt naked push the shit off the counter give it to me sideways sex.
a great deal of putitinmymouth oral sex.

And that is just the first few days. K? K.

Annnnnnnnnnnd Reason #10: I am spoiled.

I never saw it before. I am so god damn spoiled that it is stupid. I work my ass off every day and he takes care of everything the hell else.

I can honestly say that I am lost without him. So, a bitch is starting to count down. Get ready. It is about to get ugly.

Have a happy MondayBeforeChristmas!

Are you done shopping?
Have you been naughty or nice?
What have you asked Santa for this year?

Apparently … (A Blog About Xavier and his Ass-Whoopin)

Oct 20, 2009 All Things X, Current Events, Parenting, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms 33 Comments

… Xavier thinks like I am the one.

He is in so much trouble that it is stupid.

Why? Oh let me fill you the fuck in.

Last week he partook in a discussion with some skanky little 3rd grade girl who thought she was cute when she approached Xavier and his friend and offered him a blow job to be his girlfriend. Yes you read that correctly. He thought it was H.I.L.A.R. to repeat this offer over and over again in his outside voice.

Right. I already know. He got a really tiny pass on this one.

So yesterday, he wakes me up on my day to sleep in to ask me for some money to get this book at the Book Fair. I told him that I would write him a check for the next day. When I got home, he bum-rushes me.

X: “Hi. So my teacher gave me a $10 gift certificate to the book fair today. I was able to get my book!”
Me: “Did she give all of the kids gift certificates?”
X: “Uh no…”
Me: “Why did she give it to you?”
X: “I don’t know, she just did.”
Me: “Bullshit.”
X: “Huh?”
Me: “Try again. I don’t believe you.”
X: “Uhhh well what really happened …”
Me: “Here we go…”
X: “My frend gave it to me. He didn’t want it.”
Me: “Really Xavier?”
X: “What?”
Me: “Do I look new? Actually no. Get out of my face. You have til morning to tell me the truth or I am going to remove your ass from your body with my bare hand.”
D: “Ooooooh.”

The next day …

X: “Okay I am going to tell you the truth about what happened.”
Me: “Riiiiight. What?”
X: “Me and my friend saw this $10 bill blowing in the wind.”
Me: *snort* “Blowing in the wind.”
X: “Yeah, and we both grabbed it at the same time so we played rock, paper, scissors to see who could keep it and I won. I lied because I knew you would be mad because I didn’t turn it in to the office.”
Me: “The fucked up thing is Xavier, I told you I would buy you this book and you just could not wait for one more day. Now there is all of this drama that you brought on. Not 1 lie … not 2 lies … 3 god damn lies. For what? Get out of the car.”

So I call the principal on the way home and leave him a message to try and get to the bottom of this $10 fiasco. 2 hours later he calls me with Xavier in his office.

Ask me if the reason he was in the office for why I called. G’head. The answer is a big fat no. He was actually in the office for 2 reasons completely different.

1st recess: He was swinging the excess of his belt around by his junk pretending that it was his cock.
2nd recess: He approached a group of girls and offered to pull his pants down so they could see it.

Um. I would like to remind all of you that I am in fact not the fucking one.

Xavier has no recess until further notice.
Xavier is in the process of boxing up all of his shit. ALL . OF . IT . until further notice.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnd Xavier is getting a mommy first thing in the morning ass whoopin. Right after his shower.

Creative parenting is coming. I don’t fully know what exactly yet. But it is is coming.

You just motherfucking wait.

P.S. A quick pillow talk:

Me: “Ooooh. SoNSo got busted.”
D: “Uh-oh. Doin what?”
Me: “Creepin’.”
D: “Damn. Really?”
Me: “SoNSo is in the dog house.”
D: “Ooooh.”
Me: “Um. Like you don’t know about dog house.”
D: “I don’t know how NOT to be in the dog house.”
Me: (Laughing out loud) “HA HA HA HA!”
D: “I speak truth.”
Me: “Good one babe.”

Would you rather travel back in time to the year 500 B.C or meet the queen of Eygpt?
Would you rather eat 5 rotten cheese slices or lick a dirty toilet?
Have you ever been caught masturbating?

Pillow Talk — 4

Oct 7, 2009 This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, Yum... or Lack There Of., pillow talk 16 Comments

Me: “Ellen page sounds like a rock star name.”
D “Yeah it does. i was gonna say that or a
old white lady name.”
Me: “An old white lady porn name?”
D “Why is it always about the porn with you? I was thinking about old white lady actress names and here you go with the porn.”
Me: “Like you never think about porn.”
D: “This isn’t about me. Old white lady names: Meryl Streep. Janice Dickenson, Jane Fonda.”
Me: “All very well could have been porn names.”
D: “You are wrong and you know it.”
Me: “Whatever I am right in my calling out of the old white lady porn names.”

Long Long Lonnnnnnnnnnnnng Pause.

Me rapping: “Playin workout tapes by Fonda! But Fonda aint got a motor in the back of her Honda!”

————————————————————————————————————-

(after hearing a moaning coming from the kitchen.)

Me: “What in the hell are you doing in there?”
D: “Nothing.”
Me: “You are scratching your balls, arent you?”
D: “Maybe.”
Me: “At the same time as making the cookies?”
D: “Maybe.”
Me: “OMG GROSS.”
D: “What? I haven’t opened the package yet.”
Me: “Wash your hands before touching the dough D.”

(insert long silence)

Me: “Omg. Are you still scratching your balls?”
D “It was the last scratch I swear.”
Me: “Er …”
D: “That was the best ball scratching session ever.”
Me: “Uh …”
D: “My balls are still tingling as we speak.”
Me: “Er …”
D: “It feels like a million kittens licking my balls.”
Me: “Wow …”

(insert long pause #2 before D walks out of the kitchen, mixing bowl in hand.)

Me: “D!!”
D: “What!?”
Me: “YOU DIDN’T WASH YOUR HANDS!”
D: “Uh?!”
Me: “GOWASHYOURHANDSTHISINSTANT.”
D: “I wasn’t even really scratching my balls just then. I was kidding!”
Me: “Really?!”
D: “I WASN’T!”
Me: “You are so god damn nasty.”
D: “You are blogging this, aren’t you?”
Me: “Really?!”

Have you ever met a famous person?
Which do you prefer, sunrises or sunsets?

Pillow Talk – 3

Sep 30, 2009 Etc., Masturbate-able, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, love, pillow talk 28 Comments

I jacked this idea from Lilu … so I gotta always show her some love. If you don’t read … you should.

D: “We are doing it tonight and I am not taking no for an answer.”
Me: “Wow. You are so romantic.”
D: “How could I make it sound more romantic?”
Me: “I don’t think it is possible to be any more romantic than that.”
D: “What if I said making love?”
Me: “Um no. This isn’t Days of Our Lives.”
D “Like sands thru the hourglass…”
Me: “You are such a cliche housewife.”
D: “Am not.”
Me: Really? Um … stories? Um … ice cream?”
D: “I do NOT watch stories.”
Me: “90210?”
D: “Shhhhh!!!”
Me: “Mmmhm.”

The next day:

D: “You fucking fell asleep!”
Me: “I didn’t say no.”
D: “That is some bullshit.”
Me: “Whatever. Me being asleep hasn’t stopped you before.”
D: (creepy laugh) “heheheheeheeehehe”
Me: “Exxxxxxactly. You missed the opportunity.”
D: “Fine.”
Me: “Did I just give you the green light to sleep fuck me?”
D: “NO TAKEBACKS!”
Me: “What are you, 5?”
D: “5 inches from the ground maybe.”
Me: “why do we even have conversations?”
D: “Blog material.”
Me: “I am again reminded that I love you.”

What tv sitcom parents would you have wanted if you had to pick?

Pillow Talk – 2

Sep 23, 2009 Family, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables 34 Comments

I jacked this idea from Lilu … so I gotta always show her some love. If you don’t read … you should be.

D: “I should have taken these fries out way earlier”
Me: (grabbing one and shoving it in my mouth) “I like them crunchy”
D: “Me too. I cant eat them like that anymore.”
Me: “Oh yeah I forgot. You are in your pre-denture phase.”
D: (trying to act offended)”How DARE you make fun of me for being dentally-challenged.”
Me: “Hey, I don’t discriminate.”
D: (snicker) “I may be dentally challenged but I am not orally challenged.”
Me: “No you sure are not. It is one of the top 5 reasons that we are still together.”
D: “The funny thing is, you aren’t laughing.”
Me: “Truth.”
D: “It’s okay, a house husbands job is never done.”

D: “I love this picture.”
Me: (grimacing) “My face looks fucking fat in it.”
D: “Uh. Well. You had … There was … You were … Considerably…”
Me: “Are you gonna finish one of those sentences?”
D: “There was considerably more to you last summer.”
Me: (Stifling a laugh) “Considerably more to me? Is that your final answer?”
D: “Yeah i am gonna go with that.”
Me: “Interesting.”
D: “I fucked myself out of some ass, didnt I?”
Me: “Why do you say that?”
D: “I agreed with your fat face comment.”
Me: “It WAS fat.”
D: (pause) “Yeah, I am sticking with my original comment.”
Me: “You saying that there was “considerably more to me” is still calling me fat. Just in bigger words.”
D: “But I didn’t say it.”
Me: “Considerably more?”
D: “I said that not the other.”
Me: “You are digging a hole here.”
D: “Do I still have ass potential?”
Me: “Only because i too have needs.”
D: “Well if it is any help, you are considerably less now.”
Me: “Really?”
D: “I will shut up while I am ahead.”
Me: “Really?”
D: “I was never ahead, was I?”
Me: “Why are you still talking?”

TMIThursday: stickitinyerear.

Sep 9, 2009 All Things Charli, Masturbate-able, Parenting, Random, TMI Thursday's, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, Yum... or Lack There Of. 32 Comments

Hello my TMIT gluttons for punishment!

You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit.

If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs…

Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday….

This TMIT will be short and sweet. Ready? OKAY!

Yesterday, D calls me:

D: “Guess how I woke up this morning?”
Me: “How?”
D: “There I was, sleeping peacefully next to your daughter when I woke up to this insanely loud buzzing in my ear.”
Me: “OMG was it a moth?!”
D: “Uhm no. It was not a moth.”
Me: “What kind of bug was it?”
D: “It was not a bug. It was your VIBRATOR. IN MY EAR. INMYEAR!! How do you suppose your daughter got a hold of your vibrator?”

Said Vibrator … only mine is pink. Heh.

Me: (stifling a laugh) “Huh?”
D: “Mothafucka you heard me.”
Me: “It miiiiiight be because I used it last night when I was mad at you and shoved it under my pillow.”
D: “Might be?”
Me: “Is.”
D: “She shoved your vibrator IN MY EAR and was hovered over me, laughing.”

(I am unable to hold in my laughter at this point.)

D: “You think that is funny, don’t you?”
Me: “It is pretty funny.”
D: “No matter how much you clean it, it still smells like your vagina.”
Me: “YOU SMELLED IT?!”
D: “I smell your bras. Same diff.”
Me: “Good point. You whacked off didn’t you?”
D: “Huh?”
Me: “Mothafucka you heard me.”
D: “I miiiiiiiiiiight have pushed one out when she went down for a nap.”
Me: “Might have?”
D: “Did. But not on your side of the bed this time.”
Me: “So considerate.”

There you have it. My daughter knows EXACTLY what to do with a vibrator. I am such a great influence on her, aren’t I? AhhhhhhhhhhhStickitinyerear!

Happy TMIThursday! As always share your own TMIT’s if mine sparks a story of your own!

Pillow Talk – 1

Sep 1, 2009 Family, Masturbate-able, Random, Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, love 42 Comments

Lilu does “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says”. These installments … little fly on the wall moments … are blogs that I look forward to on a weekly basis.

Why? Because it is blog-reality. It is a peek into real life relationships. Real life love. No acting. It is my life … but in DC. And instead of kid brats, cat brats. I find myself going “holy fuck, I am not the only one?” during many a blog-read. I totally feel like a psycho, but whatever. Lilu is my DC other half and I am pretty sure I blog-crush her face.

(in a totally non-REE-REE-REE way of course)

Anyway, I insert random and totally inappropriate conversations all over my blogs between D and I. I figured it might just be awesome to steal Lilu’s idea and make it mine. I am pretty sure if she wants to fight me about it, I will grab my lime green kiddie pool and a shit ton of whipped cream and we would have it the fuck out.

Just saying.

So last night I am laying in bed, cozy … comfortable … snuggled in my blanket. D comes in, flipping on light switches, being all motherfucking loud like he does. So I sit up and I am watching him fuck around with the pillows. He is focused, making this … platform out of them. At first he doesn’t notice me watching him stack the pillows.

D: (finally looking up) “What?”
Me: “What do you mean what?”
D: “What are you looking at?”
Me: “I … am just trying to figure out what the fuck you are doing.”
D: “Watch and learn.”

This man … my husband proceeds to demonstrate the “ice cream cubby” that he has created with his pillows. He has crafted such a device that he doesn’t have to hold his ice cream while eating it. Where he can prop his head on one arm while the other shovels cookies and cream ice cream in his face.

I know.

Me: “Really?”
D: (laughing with a mouthful of ice cream) “I need to invent some shit. That bitch who made the snuggie is raking it in.”
Me: “What would you invent?”
D: “I dont know. Something fucking cooler than a snuggie.”
Me: “Like your ice cream contraption?”
D: “Don’t hate. When I am rich you wont bitch about spending that shit.”
Me: “Truth. Oh and tell me. Tell me that the reason why the lotion is on my fucking nightstand is not there for the reason I think it is there for.”
D: “Uh.”
Me: “YOU ARE JACKING OFF ON MY SIDE OF THE BED?”
D: “It is closer to the TV.”
Me: “This TV is HUGE. Really?”
D: “You have the advantage. You ALWAYS get the side closest to the TV!!”
Me: “You are joking.”
D: “No. I am just taking what is rightfully mine when you aren’t home.”
Me: “You have an entire Man Cave for this business.”
D: “No. I cant whack off where other men dwell. That is just wrong.”
Me: “Soooo… I am laying in it.”
D: “No!”
Me: “You have horrible aim.”
D: “No. My aim is spot on. I got you pregnant, didn’t I? Twice.”
Me: “Yeah because that is the same.”
D: “You know it is. Now sit on my face.”
Me: “You are so romantic.”
D: “The romanticist. VAGINA COME TO ME.”
Me: (rolling over) “Um… so yeah. Goodnight.”

So there you have it. Kinda boring, but … hey. We are an old married couple after all.

Feel free to word vomit whatever it is that you want to today. Maybe a rant? Maybe an open letter?

Have you seen any good movies lately? DVD or theater?
Are you stoked for fall TV? I know I am! What shows are on your lineup?