Living Wicked

Honest Tuesday’s: I Don’t Slither.

Jun 28, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, Honest Tuesday's, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, Suck It! 11 Comments

Call me a cunt. Call me a vulgar, loud mouthed bitch. I don’t give a shit.

What you cannot call me is a snake. Or a liar. If you do, I might very well give you an eye-jammie for it.

Just saying.

For those of you who regularly read my blogs … I seem to get the maddest about the same 5 or 6 specific things. So, here is your advance apology for 1) any repeated information and 2) being a bit vague.

Moving on.

The one thing that makes my blood boil the most has to be liars. Liars and people who will do anything in their power to get ahead. Even if it means sending another person to the wolves. Even if it means selling their soul to the devil.

I would rather spend my life with nothing, living with my 2 kids and D in my Mazda, than ruin anothers simply so that I can move past them in the food chain.

It is point one as to why I hate corporate environments. Why I have avoided any sort of leadership position for years. Why I kept business and personal so separate. I was actually turned away from and said no to promotions because the powers that be above me who made the decisions knew that I was a brutally honest person and that I called it like I saw it. No matter what. The one promotion I was offered, and took into a leadership position was the best possible situation and my manager at the time (Goddess bless her) just got me. She was my mentor and my friend and when push came to shove, she would grab me by the ear and drag me into a conference room to either 1) tell me about myself or 2) let me yell it out to HER rather than to someone that might go crying to HR about some shit like a fucking vagina.

I can’t help it. It is in my blood. It is something that I will never ever change simply to make an extra buck and in all of the positions I have ever held, I have been perfectly content saying what I wanted to say in my measly hourly waged position.

It hurts my feelings to feel like I am surrounded by dishonest people. I have left many a position because of this very feeling. I am unhappiest in a place where I am forced to wonder who I can and cannot trust. The problem is really that everywhere I end up … it follows. It follows because this world is filled with snakes in human form.

As much as I try to surround myself with like-minded people, the bottom line is that no matter where you end up … they are there, slithering their snakey selves around. Smiling in faces, kissing asses … and making me fucking crazy.

These reasons are also the reasons why my end goal is to own my own business. Because then, when the snake-head is revealed, I can fire their fucking asses and send THEM straight to hell where their snakey asses can become appetizers for the devil himself.

I don’t slither. I won’t slither. Not for you, not for money not for anyone.

I will however, stand up and be a good person and tell the truth, even if that means that I am the bad guy. I will tell you about yourself when you need to be told and I will always say what everyone else will not say. Hate me for it or love me for it, I don’t care.

I can’t talk specifics. Those who read my blog who know what I am talking about know why. But this is my purge place. My house of self-written therapy. If I don’t get it out I will explode and that in itself is full of ugliness. I am a happier, more positive person here. It has been weighing on me for weeks and it feels good to blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahg it out.

Happy Tuesday. Come be honest with me about things you cannot be honest with anyone else about. No judgment.

(p.s. thanks for listening)

Honest Tuesday’s: I’ve Got Friends in Low Places …

Apr 12, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., Friendship, Honest Tuesday's, Relationships, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms 30 Comments

Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place where you can come and be totally honest about shit that you normally would not be honest about.

… she made me laugh. we met through mutual friends, and I thought she would always be my friend. Instead she told lies behind my back about me.

… who said she would keep my secrets. She didn’t.

… who said the same and didn’t.

… she used to care about others. Now she only cares about herself.

… is more than my friend. She is my other half.

… who bends over backwards for his friends. He is one of the best friends I have ever had.

… that I just reconnected with after many years. She is turning out to be one of my best friends. Again.

… in the 8th grade who got caught shoplifting and got mad at me because I got away. She stopped being my friend after that.

… whom I cant find. We were in the navy together…. and we lost touch. I miss her.

… who fucked my first husband before during and after our marriage. I caught her in the act. Them actually. I beat her ass to a pulp. Naked in his front lawn. Jerry Springer styles.

… is brutally honest. Sometimes it pisses me off, but she is always honest with me.

…who is a coward. She cant tell me to my face what she thinks of me. Instead, she’d rather talk shit behind my back to people who she knows will tell me.

… who I secretly would make out with. Or is it a secret?

… that asked me to be a part of her wedding. She is the first person to ever ask me. I am not sure if she knows exactly how much it means to me.

… she is literally out of her fucking mind. but I love her crazy ass.

… that I wish made me more of a priority.

… she is my soul sister. The plane she happened to be on that picked me up is proof of that.

… who is fucking selfish. Selfish and doesn’t listen for shit. I cant figure out to this day why I still even talk to her. So maybe I won’t anymore.

… her life is perfect. She shits rose petals and she walks on water. (so she says) really… she is a half ass mother, her shit smells like her breath… and she treads in the shit more often than most normal people.

… she smiles as much as possible. Her smile radiates a room. It is so beaming, you can see it through the phone when you talk to her. She is literally a ray of sunshine.

… she aint as tough as she would like folks to think she is.

… I know that I will love her when we are 90 and doing laps around Factoria Mall.

… she could possibly be the fakest bitch on the planet. Fake like Pamela Anderson’s tits. It is quite pathetic that she claims to be a “good christian”… all the while she really is just a pathetic excuse for a fake judgmental alcoholic bitch.

… she drinks to much.

… I want to hump all 4 of their faces off.

… and her tits are hot. Also, if she calls her teeny ass fat one more fucking time, I am going to tie her up and make her eat lard with a spoon so I can show her what “fat” really is. *coughtoricough*

… she is afraid to tell me how she feels.

… I am jealous of her confidence.

… we used to dislike each other very much. Now he is one of my closest friends.

… who I wish I were a better friend to.

… who is a liar. I just cannot prove it.

… she wont ever admit she is wrong. Ever. Even when the facts prove how wrong she really is.

Your turn.

Crunchy tacos or soft tacos?
What are your top 5 movies of all time?

Honest Tuesday’s: I Typically Don’t Like People

Apr 5, 2010 Friendship, Honest Tuesday's, bitch 38 Comments

Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place where you can come and be totally honest about shit that you normally would not be honest about.

I was talking to my FIL’s friend over Easter brunch and the topic came up about me and my general dislike of people. She was a tad surprised that I blurted it out so brashly … saying that I seemed more of a people person than not.

So I got to thinking. (shutup.)

I have a love-hate relationship with being a people person. Don’t get me wrong. I love meeting new people … but at the same time … I typically hate people. Specifically when I first meet someone. It is rare that I meet a person and like them right away. Usually I am totally stand-offish with them and it takes a great deal of awesomeness on their part before I am all like “So’N'So is so totally awesome I just bigfatheart them!”

Also I would never say “is so totally” but I felt the need to be exaggeratory (like my made up word? I know you do.) right then.

9 times out of 10 people are not who they portray. Especially when you meet them in social settings.

Wicked no likey fake fucks. Especially ones who attempt to be something that they aren’t OR try and hide who they actually are for show.

If you are broke, fine. Be broke.
If you are a slut, PERFECT! Own that slutty-ness!
If you like compulsively, meh. I may or may not have to tell you about yourself.
If you are stupid, FINE! Stop trying to use big words that are completely out of context because you have no idea what the big word actually means. Seriously.

Furthermore, people are gross. Dirty, filthy fucking germ receptacles. If you “surprise!” and lined 10 people up in front of their houses for a completely spontaneous walk-thru, I bet you more than 60% of their environments would be foul and blech. Don’t touch me. Don’t breathe on me. Get your dickbeaters off of things that belong to me and not you.

We are not friends until I have done a full assessment. I need to make damn sure that you are who you say you are because believe me … I have thought that someone was all sorts of awesome, and then I was proven wrong quicker than a teenage boy’s first time inside the vajay. JustAGirl knows allllllllllllllll too well.

So the moral of this story is that I like who I like. The rest of you’s can kindly get your face out of my face.

Alright, spill it. What do you need to be honest about this week?

Are you a “people person”?
What is your favorite “old school” dance move?

Honest Tuesday’s: I <3 (rhymes with) Corn.

Mar 29, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Creative Writing/Poetry, Honest Tuesday's, Masturbate-able, Random, Sex 33 Comments

Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place where you can come and be totally honest about shit that you normally would not be honest about.

This is probably not a surprise, but I <3 Porn. Like big fat <3.

Because I love it so much, I decided to write it a love letter. Wanna hear it? Here it goes.

Dear Porn,

I love you.

If you were a human, I would marry you. I probably wouldn't have your babies though… cause I think telling people that I was pregnant by "porn" is kinda nasty… and I don't think my family would really understand that "porn" is my baby daddy.

By the way, since I am now professing my undying horny devotion to you, can you do me a huge favor? (actually… a few favors to be realistic)

I thought so.

I want to see more dirty porn. Porn stars need to be choked, spanked, hair-pulled, and called sluts and whores until I and every other porn lover climaxes. I am sick of this foo-foo crap where all the females are super delicate and they squeal, and stare all up into the camera while they are face deep in some ball sack. I don’t want it obvious that the slut knows she is on camera. It takes away from my experience.

I also would prefer that these bitches stopped talking. I am not interested in what she or anyone has to say at that point. It in fact, unless you are telling the “dirty slut” to put it in her mouth, or unless you are asking that “whore” if she likes the big cock in her ass… there really shouldn’t be much conversation at all.

I personally have had enough of the scenario porn. “Hot college blonde gives her professor the ride of his life” really is some old dude and strange chick. Neither one of them is in college 9 times out of 10. And the dude ISN’T her professor. So for 10 minutes, I am stuck listening to them try to act (which if they could actually act, they probably wouldn’t be in this business) out the corny fucking scene. Sorry porn, but that is a total turn off. At least make the scenario believable. Just start the shit mid stroke. No commentary is necessary. I don’t need to hear dialogue about her fucking his old ass for a better grade on her essay paper. I just don’t.

Sorry if I am too needy, but I would also like to have my own feature porn series. It can be on DVD only, or on some random pay-for-porn channel… or both.

This is my preferred criteria:

Lots of hot chocolate boys.
Simultaneous hole penetration.
Lots of “slut” and “whore” reference to me personally
Clit and ass spanks; hair pulling and some choking.
Face fucking.
No facials. I don’t think that cum dripping off anyone’s chin is hot. Cum on tits, ass, and tummy are totally acceptable places.

I don’t think that this is too much to ask.

Love always and forever,
WickedCourtni

P.S. Please stop torturing me with the pee porn. Not all of us are turned on by that like R.Kelly.

Nuff said.

Do you have anything to be honest about this week?
To porn or not to porn?
Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? What is it?
What’s your favorite day of the week and why?

Shit and Stuff and Things

Mar 28, 2010 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Random, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, Thoughts and Perceptions, bitch 17 Comments

Welcome to a new week. I would say “Happy Monday” but fuck that. Idontwanna.

I hosted my grand opening Tupperware party this weekend! A big fat shout out to the ladies who came and supported me in trying something new. If anything, any extrah mooh-lah that comes from it will help pay for my shopping addiction.

Anyway, whether you are a Tupperware virgin or not … please take a peek on my website and see if there is anything that you simply would die without owning in your house. The closing for this particular party is on Friday.

WickedCourtni’s Tupperware Website

/end shameless self-promotion.

So I was laying here, after the aforementioned party … completely exhausted and a little sad that I had nothing left to distract me from all of the bullshit going on … I started FB stalking. Yep, I am an offender of silently stalking people that I would not really be interested in talking to ever, but am curious as to how their lives have played out. Whatever. I know that at least 90% of you have done it.

I landed on my H.S. Alumni list of peeps. Class of ‘97 WOOT WOOT! (totally kidding)

I came to re-realize a couple of things while checking in on these peeps:

1) I really hated high school. Like, H A T E D it.

I am pretty sure that my hatred for all things high school had everything to do with the fact that I never really was at a school long enough to build life-long friendships until the 9th grade. Even then it was a difficult thing for me to really fit in.

So, I said fuck it and was a cunt to pretty much anyone that looked at me funny.

2) I don’t recognize over half of the people I graduated with.

Thank god I am friends with the pretty people because there were some Fugly’s and Butterface’s in my graduating class. Seriously.

How did I ever get laid in H.S.?

Oh yeah. I had boy toys OFF campus. *winkwink*

So the other evening, Xavier comes rushing out of his room. He is known for his jokester ways, so I am always interested in his latest attempt at comic relief. (Like when he tried to get me with a whoopie cushion the other day. Little shit.)

He is out of breath. Excited. Animated. And he says:

X: “I have invented a knew move.”
Me: “A dance move?”
X: “No. A kung-fu move.”
Me: “Reeeee aaa lly.”
X: “Yup. I call it to-fu.”
Me: “Is that right.”
X: “Yup. It is a move that goes straight for the toe. Badum CHING”
Me: “Wow. HA HA HA!”

My kid. I wish he was always like this and not like how he has been with his bad ass.

Also, bug-a-boo’s are annoying. People who are just in your face with some shit that you just do not give a fuck about.

Also Also, Squishy is getting married soon and I am freaking the hell out about that fact.

Also, I am teetering on a bout of writers block. I need some suggestions on stuff to write about for my weekly’s: Honest Tuesday’s & Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s. And I also need some TMIThursday guest posts: email me! wickedcourtni@gmail.com

Alllllllllllsoooooooo, I think that people who don’t know me who are around me need to figure it out. I am not the one and I promise you that if there is a continuous assumption on your part that I actually am the one … you will get phased out quick like Quick Draw McGraw. Don’t play me. You will lose the little high school games you are attempting (horribly might I add) to play.

My quote of the week: “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.”

Done and done.

Would you rather lick day old dirty dishes clean in the sink OR clean the toilet with your toothbrush and then brush your teeth right after?

Bite or spank?

What is your quote of the week?

Honest Tuesday’s: I Fall

Mar 22, 2010 Honest Tuesday's, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Plunges, Random, The Tarably Wicked Show 48 Comments

Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place where you can come and be totally honest about shit that you normally would not be honest about.

If you have never met me, or … if you have not had the pleasure of being surrounded by my awesomeness for extended periods of time … you may be completely unaware of the following:

I fall.

While standing.
While walking.
Going from sitting to walking.

I.
Fall.
The.
Hell.
Down.

For instance, today. Tarable and I were walking to get Skittles and ice water like we do pretty much every night, and BAM!

Like almost down the stairs. One of my shoes broke … Yeah.

I fall.

Or how about a couple of weeks ago when I was standing, talking to one of my bosses … (we call him MOM) … and while I was simply fucking STANDING there … BAM!

I fell.

Or when I fell down while trying to slide into my cube at work in my tights. Do you remember sock skating across smooth surfaces?

Yeah. I was sliding down the walkway in between cubes … slide … slide … slide … and then … BAM!

The best story though. Go ahead and laugh work peeps. It is cool. Re-live it.

So I was at my desk. Working. When I work, I usually will have one leg under the other in my chair.

This fateful day, I must have sat on my leg too long.

I jumped up out of my chair for some odd fucking reason that I cannot remember due to the utter mortification of the following events:

As I went to stand up on both feet (IN HEELS MIGHT I ADD) I started to walk, not realizing that my foot and leg were completely fucking numb from the knee down …

Wanna guess what happened next? Of course you do.

BAM!

Yep. I fell. But the worst parts happened in the next 2.5 seconds …

1) I fell WHILE walking, meaning that I slid on my knees into the cube across from mine while wearing a skirt and tights … so what happens? There is a HOLE in my tights that I have to live with for the rest of the night.

2) My 2 bosses, and my co-worker in the cube across from mine as well as another few random co-workers all witnessed my awesomeness literally fly across the fucking cubes and into my co-workers lap.

3) The “THUD” and then the “LMFAO”s throughout the office.

4) My bleeding and scabbed knee.

5) How I am never and HAVE never and WILL never live it down. Ever.

What do you need to be honest about this week?

Do you have an embarrassing moment similar to my falling down all over the damn place? Spill it. Make me feel better.

Honest Tuesday’s: I Turn Tables.

Mar 15, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., Friendship, Honest Tuesday's, Random 18 Comments

Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place where you can come and be totally honest about shit that you normally would not be honest about.

So yeah. I don’t turn tables like a DJ or anything like that. (That would be rad if I was though.)

Instead, I turn tables in this blog and ask YOU questions that you get to be honest about. I am not gonna lie. Some might make you feel uncomfortable.

Deal with it.

On that note … Do you or Would you …

…. think that when your significant other is away from you that they are cheating?

…. start off a conversation with “FYI, I only plan on listening to part of your conversation because I think you are fucking boring” if you know that you will ahead of time, to avoid wasting that 10 minutes of your life?

…. stop masturbating when your significant other enters the room?

…. throw temper tantrums as an adult?

…. reveal all of your fantasies, no matter how dirty or socially unaccepted?

…. shelter your kids from everything, some things, or nothing at all?

…. cry, even if you’re only crying because you feel sorry for yourself?

…. always forgive, even if you never forget?

…. avoid confrontation, even if all you want to do is punch a bitch in the mouth?

…. lie to your kids to save their feelings?

…. act as if you like the food, even if you are literally gagging it down with each bite … simply to spare someone’s feelings?

…. suffer complete unhappiness so that your kids are raised in a 2 parent home?

…. consider yourself a true friend, or a fair weather friend?

…. simply wait for someone to shut up so you can begin talking?

…. ever wonder what your life would be like if you took the other path?

Have a WONDERFULLY Honest Tuesday!

Honest Tuesday’s: I Don’t Like You. It Is Easier That Way.

Mar 8, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, Etc., Friendship, Honest Tuesday's, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms 27 Comments

’scuse me while I ramble a bit… and feel free to relate if you wish.

I am sure that I am not alone when I say that I feel most content surrounded by the people I love. But I am probably one of few that doesn’t have that many people surrounding them anymore.

It seems like no matter how hard I try, the people I love the most diminish with time and happenings and exchanges of words. It makes me sad. It breaks my heart. It causes me to look in the mirror and ask myself what I as a friend could have possibly done to push them so far away.

But then, maybe it isn’t me.

I am difficult to love, and I like it that way. Why should my devotion come so easy to everyone? Is it fair to think that the people in my life should work hard to earn my love, trust and loyalty? I would work hard to reciprocate for theirs. In every relationship that I have ever encountered, I have worked hard to show them exactly how important they are to me.

I wonder why I find less and less people willing to do the same. As if, it is acceptable to give 50% in a friendship all of a sudden?

D tells me that so many people are terrified of me. Intimidated even. That they are afraid of what I might say to them. What do you mean? You are afraid of someone possibly telling you the truth? Is that what “friendship” has come to? Lying to one another? It makes me sad to know that people walk on eggshells… but at the same time, my guard remains up because really, I don’t give a fuck. I am gonna be me and say what I think, and ask for forgiveness later if it comes down to having to.

Fact is, I don’t like people. I don’t trust people. So excuse me if I don’t run and hug you and tell you all of my deepest, darkest secrets when we first meet.

Regardless, my life and my love are mine… and I choose who to share them with. If it isn’t you… then you haven’t proved to me that you are worth my love. If I shared it with you, and it was betrayed by you… then shame on me for allowing you in in the first place… It is too bad that you are gone, but with or without you…

I am going to love life, and live love.

Because that is how I roll.

Thoughts?

If you could have any car you wanted, which car would you choose? Would it be practical or flashy?
Imagine you woke up one morning to find you had switched bodies with me. What would you do?

Honest Tuesday’s: Get Back on Track, Fattie!

Feb 15, 2010 Current Events, Honest Tuesday's, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Yum... or Lack There Of. 17 Comments

Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place where you can come and be totally honest about shit that you normally would not be honest about.

Sooooooooo… yeah. I have been completely off of my game diet-wise. an umpteen amount of Cheeseburgers, ice cream, chocolate … pizza … carbbbbbbbbbbbbbsssssssssssssss …

Sooooooooo… yeah. I haven’t worked out. Not a lick.

The deal is, I have maintained the weight loss that I have accomplished and I am proud as hell of myself about it. However, losing it doesn’t mean that it will stay off. It also doesn’t mean that just by losing weight that I am where I want to be with my body. I want tone arms and a somewhat flat tummy. I want to wear tank tops that don’t show off boobmeetsthearm fat.

I was on point for months. Then came the holiday’s.

It seemed to be the hardest when I started this 37 pound weight loss journey. Now I am finding it harder to restart. Especially knowing exactly how damn close I am to being where I want to be.

Saying it out loud is always the best thing for me. I am off track. So is my Tarable. And we (no pun intended) feed off of each other. So when she is focused … so am I. When I am off … so is she.

So here we are, 3 months-ish until summer. 3 months-ish until our Wine Country trip. 3 months-ish until boats
and bathing suits and sleeveless and laying out and mini skirts and shorts. 3 months. I am 15 pounds from it. that is only 5 pounds a month. 5 pounds and working out every single day. Not just for the weight part … but I know I will feel better every day. Working out always ties everything together.

Home, work and health.

So. I said it out loud. We are starting over, just as focused as we were almost a year ago at the beginning of the journey. It is almost as if we have come full circle. Only now it is finishing what we started … with almost the entire race behind us.

I am pretty stoked about that fact.

What do you need to be honest about this week?

Would you rather always get first dibs or the last laugh?
Would you rather eat a handful of hair or lick three public telephones?

Honest Tuesday’s: I Can Do It! … ?

Feb 8, 2010 Honest Tuesday's, I Forgot to Tag, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms 18 Comments

Hello and welcome to Honest Tuesday’s. A place to be honest about shit that you would not or can not normally be honest about to anyone in your “real lives” for one reason or another.

Today mine is involved with some self worth … insecurity issues.

Most of you know that I am an aspiring writer. I have written many a poem and eleventy million blogs where some have had a teeny bit of editorial content to them. My biggest accomplishment was last August when I published my book all by myself.

It took me almost 2 years and the death of a new friend to build up the confidence to do that. It wasn’t perfect enough. What if no one likes it? Blah Blah talkmyselfoutofit Blah. But then I just fucking manned up and did it.

And I am so damn happy that I did.

Especially considering the fact that, after countless publishing companies that I have submitted my work to, one finally said yes. YES! A 365 day contract. 1 year. *grin*

My confession on this Honest Tuesday is that I never really thought that I would ever be published. Just like every day when I go to work I have to self talk my way into believing that I can actually make a successful mark at this new job. Just like I have always just kinda flew under the radar of excellence. Not because I am incapable … but because it has always just been easier to be average.

The let down is much less of one in the long run. Or at least in my experience anyway.

I am sure many of you read my blog before back on the space about my most embarrassing moment. Looking back now at who I was … and who I have grown to be … it wasn’t just an embarrassing moment for me. It was a moment that has essentially defined the last 13 years of my life.

For those of you who aren’t in the know … … in a nutshell … …

I spent my entire youth being the best at what I put my effort toward. Make fun of me all you want to but I was a band geek. I spent years in 1st chair in my wind ensemble and in my free time played in symphonies where I was one of 2 or the only flutist in the organization. I won awards and competitions and played many a solo. I was the best of the best.

So when I made the decision to join the Navy, I wanted to continue my journey as a musician in the Navy band. I was required to compose my own piece. As in write it out full score. Then I was to memorize it and play it in front of the judges at the Naval base in Everett.

So I did. I wrote an amazing piece and practiced my ass off. I knew every fucking note as if it was my second language. The day of the audition, my mom came with me. I was ready. Just like every other God damned solo I had ever played in my life. Just like every other God damned audition I had ever aced. I was calm and collected and confident that I would handle business.

I entered the stage area and was faced with 5 decorated officers in a panel in front of me. (Knowing what I know now about military decorations … they are waaaaaaaay more intimidating than they actually are in real life.) Seeing them and being under the spotlight … shook me. I froze. I forgot my piece. I forgot how to fucking play the instrument that I had been playing for 10 years of my life. Meaning, when they allowed me a chance to play what I had written, the notes swam across the page. No longer was it my second language. It was instead a completely foreign language in some dialect that I had never heard before in my life.

I motherfucking blew it.

The reason I say that it was a defining moment of my last 12 years is because looking back on them, I have never really accomplished excellence. I literally have done exactly what I needed to do to remain successful enough. Not overly anything. I just didn’t give a fuck enough about any of it to really push myself. That, and I would rather expect to blow it than think I was gonna nail it and save myself the heartbreak when I did. I always have found myself questioning my excellence. Questioning my self worth. Questioning whether or not I am good enough.

The fact is, average is not me. Because of one stupid moment of weakness, I have made it me to save face in my own little pity party of waaaaaaaaaaah. When instead, I should have known it to be an everything happens for a reason moment and learned from it. As I have approached and entered my 30’s … I have really been working on practicing what I preach. You know, owning my words as if I were my own reader. Taking this new job has really pushed me to work outside of my element as well. It is unacceptable to be average. It is completely unacceptable to fly under the radar. Furthermore, being successful and striving for excellence is so rewarded and recognized that it is stupid to not want to be a part of it.

Never before have I been surrounded by more motivated and inspiring people, which has allowed me to not get discouraged at all of the “No’s” I have received. There is always a “Yes” following somewhere… you just have to push through all of the “No’s” first to get to it.

So instead of asking myself whether or not I think I can do something … I am working on reminding myself that, when I really put my mind to something … I absolutely with no doubt CAN and WILL do it.

Because that is what awesomeness and excellence and success is all about.

Now it is your turn. Get all HONEST up in this bitch. I promise I won’t judge you.

If you could inherit one extraordinary talent in one of the arts … what would the talent be?
Would you rather have an orgasm every 10 years OR every 10 seconds?