TMIThursday’s: Masturbation 101 by Dr. Dumbass
Mar 31, 2010 Current Events, DUH, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Sex, TMI Thursday's, Wicked Wisdoms
Welcome to yet another TMIT! Miss Lilu is the founder of the awesome awfulness … so go show her and all of the other TMIT contributors some pukeinyourmouth trainwreckyoucantturnaway love.
This was a blog that I wrote awhile back as a feature for “Cosmo Can Kiss My Ass.” Miss Chrissa had some regular posts there that made fun of the bullshit articles in magazines such as Cosmopolitan and Elle and Seventeen.
The one I “reviewed” was the “12 Secrets of Sensational Solo Sex” the text in italic are my “thoughts” on each of the bullet points provided. Feel free to share your thoughts as well. 
TMIT? In some ways yes … in other ways … maybe. I just found it and got a laugh out of it, so I hope that you do to.
*AHEM*
“Am I doing this right?” When it comes to sex, it’s the most asked question of all time, and masturbation is no exception.
Relax.
The key to your enjoyment is your ability to relax and stay in the moment, so check your anxieties or frustrations at the door. Stop thinking about work, the kids or the dirty laundry. Take a warm bath or get a massage beforehand.
Um. The reason I DO masturbate is to relieve frustration. Isn’t that part of the magic? To be able to flick the bean and walk away from the session care free??? And, if someone is giving me a pre-Oface massage … they better be giving my vagina one as well. K?
(Or is it just me?)
Turn yourself on.
Think about what things have turned you on in the past and focus on them now to jump-start your arousal. Fantasize about a steamy sexual encounter, replay a scene from a sexy movie or imagine yourself naked with your favorite celebrity. If you enjoy additional stimulation, put on some sexy music or read some erotica.
Why the fuck do I want to think about anything? Does there have to be so much planning involved? It sounds to me like someone’s marriage.
“Honey, let’s fuck tomorrow ’round 6pm, okay?”
Fuck that. I want my time to be on the fly. Maybe in the shower, maybe in traffic. Maybe in front of my laptop watching some free amateur porn.
*don’t judge me*
Have a look.
If you’ve never really looked at your genitals before, take out a mirror and hold it with one hand while you use the other hand to locate the parts of your genitalia. Look for the clitoris under its protective hood at the top of your vulva; identify your labia, vagina and anus. It might help to have an anatomical diagram next to you if you’re having trouble figuring out what’s what.
How is a visit to the OBGYN a turn on? I know where my shit is located. Do I look like a fucking idiot?
And a DIAGRAM to figure out what is what????? Seriously. Do I need to humor this with a comment?
Let your fingers do the walking.
Use your fingertips to explore all the parts of your genital anatomy. Notice the smoothness of the labia folds, and the hardness of the clitoris. Peel back the clitoral hood and touch the glans so you are familiar with its sensitivity. Insert a finger into your vagina and notice the different textures as it moves in slightly. As you explore, pay attention to the parts of your vulva that feel especially good when stimulated.
I am lost. Are we masturbating, or are we having anatomy 101?
Play with yourself.
Put the mirror down, lie on your back and touch yourself all over. Begin by running your hands all over your skin, lingering on the spots that feel particularly sensitive — including the breasts and the sides of your thighs. Try a variety of movements on your labia and clitoris, pulling, pinching and rubbing along the smooth skin. Focus on the clitoris, paying attention to any erotic sensations that certain moves generate. Some women like to use two fingers to rub over the clitoral hood in a circular motion; others place a fingertip on either side of the clitoris and move from side to side.
Did a man write this? No seriously. I am cracking the hell up right now. “lie on your back and touch yourself all over”….
crackup
How about this. Ladies, lets do the opposite. Lets stand straight up, and NOT touch ourselves. See if by some sort of mental telepathy, we are able to climax by just thinking about it.
Feel the buzz. So a man DID write this. *Yawn* I am bored. Add your Kegels. Is this necessary? I don’t know about you all… but when I get going, this is something I (again) don’t have to think about, or read about to know. You wanna cum—you move with the feeling. Plain and simple. Mix it up. Maybe I am just a masturbation veteran. But…. DUH! Breathe deeply. O.M.G. Really? Ladies, make sure you are breathing. This is very important. You might DIE. Stay with it. GIMME AN O! STAY WITH IT LADIES!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!
Turn your vibrator on and explore in much the same way that you did with your hands. Try running the toy over different parts of your body, including your genitals, but saving your clit for last. Lightly place the tip of the vibrator on your clitoral hood. If the vibration is too intense, place a washcloth or piece of clothing between your body and the toy.
Slowly rock your hips back and forth, contracting your PC muscles (what you squeeze when you want to stop a stream of urine) in time to the motion.
Vary the speed on your vibrator or apply pressure to get a stronger vibration on your clitoris. If you’re moving the toy around, try changing the direction of the motion. As your arousal builds, try stopping and starting the vibration. By “teasing” your clit you coax it along — when you withhold the stimulation, your body jumps back after it when it’s resumed. If you have a hard time getting over the top, stop the toy for longer periods and relax your muscles. Try using the vibrator in a different position — squeeze it between your legs or lie on top of it.
Resist the urge to hold your breath; instead, take long, deep breaths. With practice, you can coordinate the rhythm of your breathing to your mounting arousal. When you feel yourself close to orgasm, inhale, then time your exhale with the onset of the orgasm, and you’ll feel the sexual contraction flow through your body to your toes.
One of the frustrating and magical things about orgasm is that it can feel very elusive up until you’re actually seconds away from having one. Once you hit the point of no return, your orgasm will sweep over you in a matter of seconds, and your body will be wracked by several contractions.
*rolls eyes*
Go for multiples.
Vibrators are tireless — they can keep going and going long after hands or penises tire out. After your first orgasm, remove the vibrator if your clit is too sensitive, but return after a few seconds to try for another orgasm. You might be surprised at how easy it is to go for more than one, or two, or three…
This actually is accurate information. I am shocked.
Sir, wherever you are… you get a cookie! After 11 attempts, you finally get one right!
Try and try again.
Don’t worry if you don’t make it on your first go-round. Just pick up the toy again later and give it another try. Sometimes it can take several weeks before your body becomes accustomed to the stimulation. Try to learn from each attempt, paying close attention to which types of stimulation feel best and building on those.
If you are unable to make it the first round, there is something wrong… ESPECIALLY using a vibrator.
I would suggest, if you are having issues getting off… you may need to get some help. Call me! I am always free to give hands on demonstrations.
*winkwink*
Do you put this much thought into masturbation?
Do you name your vibrator? What is its name?
Tags: article, cosmo, elle, masturbation, seventeen magazine, solo sex, tmithursday
April 1st, 2010 at 01:56
Okay, round about Kegels, I stopped reading. Too much talking!
However…
Point the first, I occasionally/often DO have to put some thought into getting into the mood for both masturbating and sex. If I want to masturbate, but my body just isn’t there yet, then yeah, I’ve got to work on it… only to fall asleep trying to turn myself on.
Point the second…. Which was what again?… Ah, fuckit.
Anne Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 02:59
I remember now!
“How about this. Ladies, lets do the opposite. Lets stand straight up, and NOT touch ourselves. See if by some sort of mental telepathy, we are able to climax by just thinking about it.” ~ This made me think about a time that I woke up having an orgasm NOT being touched because the dream I was having was real enough. Weird.
Okay, now I’m done.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 15:40
I love your thought process.
April 1st, 2010 at 02:59
Ummm… I had to try several times over the course of weeks when I first started using a vibrator. I had never had an orgasm so I bought one to help me get there and it took a while.
Thankfully, this is no longer a problem.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 15:40
Vibrators = THUMBSUP.
April 1st, 2010 at 04:16
ummmm, wtf? Is this a for real article? I NEVER put this much thought in to masturbating. Not at all. I don’t have names for any of my ‘toys’. But wanted to add, that sometimes, nothing is better then a mini bullet and sitting in the car on your lunch. Relieves stress in the middle of your day!!
LivingWicked Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 15:41
Yes it is. This is exactly why I know that a man wrote it.
<3 you.
April 1st, 2010 at 04:22
LOL
what is this masturbation you speak of??????
LivingWicked Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 15:34
HA HA HA!
April 1st, 2010 at 04:59
[...] LivingWicked’s TMIThursday’s: Masturbation 101 by Dr. Dumbass [...]
April 1st, 2010 at 06:27
If I had a vagina, you would be it’s hero!
LivingWicked Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 15:34
April 1st, 2010 at 06:43
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
way too funny… I can’t believe they actually wrote this… um I mean at like 10ish don’t most girls figure out that something there feels different and good… WTF??
LivingWicked Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 15:35
That is why I am convinced that a man wrote it.
April 1st, 2010 at 06:50
ohhhhhh wow. Seriously. HAD TO BE WRITTEN BY A MAN. I was hoping to be inspired, instead I learned where my vagina was. Something I always needed to know. Thanks!
LivingWicked Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 15:35
LMFAO. HAHAHAHA!
April 1st, 2010 at 06:53
[...] Living Wicked » Blog Archive » TMIThursday's: Masturbation 101 by … [...]
April 1st, 2010 at 07:37
one of my fave past times with my wifey is making fun of articles like that.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 15:35
Yup. Best time ever.
April 1st, 2010 at 09:47
I’m thinking this article should’ve been in Seventeen or something. By the time you are reading Cosmo, you should’ve figured this out. Right?!
I don’t have any names for my toys…except I call them my happy sticks.
And um, *I* would like a hands on demo from Ms Wicked herself. Just sayin…
LivingWicked Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 15:36
Right.
Heh. Of COURSE you would.
April 1st, 2010 at 12:01
“contracting your PC muscles (what you squeeze when you want to stop a stream of urine)”
That’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
LivingWicked Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 15:36
Totally. Say THAT in bed with B and see what happens after.
April 1st, 2010 at 12:27
the fact that this article likely changed some poor woman’s life makes me want to cry. #headdesk
also, minus points to cosmo for making the whole fucking thing sound like too much work. jesus.
and i will add my vote to “who didn’t figure this out when they were ten years old”.
i don’t really name my toys, unless “the scary one” and “the one i don’t hide when a boy stays over” count…
LivingWicked Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 15:38
Me too. Like rivers of tears.
I think the editor of cosmo should get shot between the eyes over this.
I <3 that you have ones that are scary. My kinda girl.
April 1st, 2010 at 14:11
I don’t know about anyone else, but I need to have sex right now. This was so not cool. Especially considering the conversation that I just had with Dan.
Him-I want something to eat.
Me-What do you want
Him-I want Famous Daves
Me-RIGHT!!!!?! But we’ll have to do that later. Make something.
Him-I don’t know what.
Me-How about leftover chineese?
Him-I don’t want to get up.
Me-I’ll make something for you, what do you want?
Him-I’m not sure.
Me-Do you want the chineese?
Him-No
Me-How about a roast beef sandwich?
Him-No, but I want to eat.
Me-How about my pussy?
Him- HAHAHAHAAA.
Him-Did you just say that?
Me-I don’t know. Cum to think of it, I think I did.
Him-cum. bahdahbop!! (*drum shit he does LOL)
I would be masturbating alone right now if we weren’t headed out to the walkin clinic. Boo!
LivingWicked Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 15:38
Um. <—- PICK ME.
April 1st, 2010 at 16:03
[...] Living Wicked » Blog Archive » TMIThursday's: Masturbation 101 by … [...]
April 1st, 2010 at 21:38
too funny… I can’t put too much thought into masturbation – my mind is a fickle thing and if I start thinking in any way it goes off on all sorts of tangents and I lose my O completely… which makes for a grumpy grumpy Kylie –
No names for my vibrators… never thought about naming them really…
LivingWicked Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 23:27
I havent ever really named mine either.
April 6th, 2010 at 15:23
Hmn… a name. You want a name..
‘BOB 2.0′ (aka ‘battery operated boyfriend’)and ‘FrankenBOB’ (aka ‘BOB 1.0 that quit working, so I added the internal mechanisms of another ‘toy’ to the ’skin’ of the first one, and voila! FrankenBOB!). My husband found out about FrankenBOB when he came back from deployment to Kuwait for 11 months. He was somewhere between shocked and amused as hell that I’d actually broken one due to ‘overuse’ (his claim, I still maintain it was faulty wiring). *lol*
April 11th, 2010 at 07:27
Neat blog, some interesting details. I believe 8 of days ago, I have found a similar post. Does anyone know how to track future posts?