Living Wicked

TMIThursday: What? You Didn’t Get The *gag* Memo?

Mar 10, 2010 TMI Thursday's, Yum... or Lack There Of.

Welcome to TMIT! Lilu is the founder of the awesome awfulness … so go show her and all of the other TMIT contributors some pukeinyourmouth trainwreckyoucantturnaway love.

So you all should know by now that I was a Semen (heh) in the Navy in my past life. Several of my TMIT stories have come from that chapter in my life … this one is by far the most gut wrenching for me. (Yes even more than the puke-in-the-tartar event)

As a kid, we were milk drinkers. With every meal. I could have been a spokesperson for a GD “Got Milk” commercial. No joke.

So, as you can imagine, the milk with every meal tradition carried into my young adulthood.

Picture this:

Me and my cute little Wickedness walking into the galley one morning to get my breakfast. I had a routine, as we all kinda did being as it was like motherfucking groundhog day when we were on deployment. Toast and peanut butter … and a tall glass of milk. <-- breakfast of champs right there ladies and gents.

Anyway, as you can imagine ... 45 days consecutively out to sea meant that our supply deliveries were few and far in between.

What does that mean? Perishables run out first.

Ask me if that is something that I took into consideration? Go ahead. I will wait.

.

.

.

No. I did not take that into consideration. As far as I was concerned, we, like the ocean surrounding us had a plethora of dairy products at our disposal.

Boy was I mistaken.

So. On this fateful morning, I innocently go about my business.

Toast? Check.
Peanut butter? Check.
Tall glass of milk? Check.

So I sit down, with my book and proceed to enjoy my breakfast. The buzz in the galley is deafening, and the day in the life of a deployed aircraft carrier began all over again ... just like the day before.

Only this day, when I went to wash my toast down with my milk, I was in for a fucking awful surprise.

UHT Milk. Oh what? You aren't in the know? Yeah. Neither was I.

Definition:

UHT or ultra heat treated milk is a form of milk that has been heated to a temperature of at least 135ºC in order to kill off any harmful micro-organisms (e.g. harmful bacteria) which may be present in the milk. The milk is then packaged into sterile containers.

All milk that is available for sale to consumers through supermarkets and milkmen must be pasteurized i.e. heated to 71.7ºC in order to make it safe for consumers and improve its shelf life. However UHT milks have a longer shelf life as a result of the higher temperatures to which they are heated and the packaging used to store them.

What this means is that it has a shelf life unopened for 6-9 months. This is effective for military use where supplies and refrigeration are limited. What it ALSO means is that it tastes like what I would imagine to be what ass would taste like after running 5 miles in 100 degree heat in spandex.

Yep. I blindly took this 5 mile sweaty spandex ass liquid to the face. And then I puked. Immediately. All over myself, and the person at the table in front of me.

I also did not drink milk for about 2 years after that. I just could not take the risk of having that amount of foul in my mouth ever again.

Because it was that fucking gross.

Thank you U.S. Navy for giving me the memo about the milk change. Thanks a fucking lot.

Got a TMIT? Email me at wickedcourtni@gmail.com

Tags: dairy products, peanut butter, uht milk, us navy