Living Wicked

TMIThursday: Rhymes With Perp.

Mar 17, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., Sex, TMI Thursday's, Yum... or Lack There Of., bitch

Welcome to TMIT! Lilu is the founder of the awesome awfulness … so go show her and all of the other TMIT contributors some pukeinyourmouth trainwreckyoucantturnaway love.

Our guest TMITer is a brave man. A noble man. Because reading this story makes me stabby.

Say hello to Vic!

Andddd … Prepare yourself to want to punch a bitch in the face.

Welcome to my triumphant return to the blogosphere! As a guest blogger for TMIT, I thought I’d share waaay too much information with you all. Because, well, I’m like that. And you’ll laugh. You fucking better, ‘cuz I went through a lot to bring this little story to you:

God, it seems, is not without a sense of humor.

And it seems as though I am at the butt of his jokes way too often.

Several years ago, I wrote a blog posing the question as to whether or not the actors and actresses in the Valtrex commercials could ever get a date. There was simply not enough money to get me to be in one of those commercials and run the risk of this scenario playing out:

“I like you, and I’m really attracted to you…. But I can’t shake the feeling that I”ve seen you somewhere before.”

“I get that a lot. Err, I must have a familiar face.”

“Wait, I know! You’re in commercials! Yeah! Wait… which one was it?”

“Don’t worry about it gorgeous, I think you must be confusing me with someone …”

“NO! It was the Valtrex commercial! The herpes medicine, right? Umm, I have to go. My dog has to be dry cleaned… or something…”

Flash forward 4 years. I’m single, out of a long-term relationship. A monogamous one. The number of women I had been with in the past five years could be counted on Dennis Hopper’s hand in Speed. But the time had come to add another one to the list.

It was… not bad.

And then it happened.

There was a look on her face, and she said, “I need to tell you something.”

Me, being the smartass that you all know and love, replied with, “What, did you give me herpes or something?”

“Uhh… yeah, well about that…”

God, it seemed, just pissed his pants laughing. The first thing I thought was that I was getting payback for that blog. The second thing I thought was that it just. fucking. figured. Here I am, cautious, monogamous, and the first time out of the box after being with only one woman the past 3 years, my dick craps out.

(the Herp)

Turns out, after 2 weeks of hell, testing, and waiting, that nothing was wrong. That she got retested and it turns out she had a false positive. Really, I swear, I’m clean. Tested twice, and once again 6 months later.

But FUCK! Why the hell wouldn’t you tell me that beforehand? Give me an option here… let me make my own educated decision on the deal! I’m not saying it’s the same, but I understand how it feels to be violated… to have your choice taken away.

Needless to say, I “lost” her number. Nothing is worth that insanity.

Not even the A-T-M.

(and not the A-T-M that you get money out of.)

So there you have it. Meet Vic ladies! Wanna date him?!

Who else would have punched her in her face or dirty vagina?

Please email your own TMIT’s to wickedcourtni@gmail.com

Tags: commercial, herpes, tmithursday, valtrex