Living Wicked

Honest Tuesday’s: I Can Do It! … ?

Feb 8, 2010 Honest Tuesday's, I Forgot to Tag, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

Hello and welcome to Honest Tuesday’s. A place to be honest about shit that you would not or can not normally be honest about to anyone in your “real lives” for one reason or another.

Today mine is involved with some self worth … insecurity issues.

Most of you know that I am an aspiring writer. I have written many a poem and eleventy million blogs where some have had a teeny bit of editorial content to them. My biggest accomplishment was last August when I published my book all by myself.

It took me almost 2 years and the death of a new friend to build up the confidence to do that. It wasn’t perfect enough. What if no one likes it? Blah Blah talkmyselfoutofit Blah. But then I just fucking manned up and did it.

And I am so damn happy that I did.

Especially considering the fact that, after countless publishing companies that I have submitted my work to, one finally said yes. YES! A 365 day contract. 1 year. *grin*

My confession on this Honest Tuesday is that I never really thought that I would ever be published. Just like every day when I go to work I have to self talk my way into believing that I can actually make a successful mark at this new job. Just like I have always just kinda flew under the radar of excellence. Not because I am incapable … but because it has always just been easier to be average.

The let down is much less of one in the long run. Or at least in my experience anyway.

I am sure many of you read my blog before back on the space about my most embarrassing moment. Looking back now at who I was … and who I have grown to be … it wasn’t just an embarrassing moment for me. It was a moment that has essentially defined the last 13 years of my life.

For those of you who aren’t in the know … … in a nutshell … …

I spent my entire youth being the best at what I put my effort toward. Make fun of me all you want to but I was a band geek. I spent years in 1st chair in my wind ensemble and in my free time played in symphonies where I was one of 2 or the only flutist in the organization. I won awards and competitions and played many a solo. I was the best of the best.

So when I made the decision to join the Navy, I wanted to continue my journey as a musician in the Navy band. I was required to compose my own piece. As in write it out full score. Then I was to memorize it and play it in front of the judges at the Naval base in Everett.

So I did. I wrote an amazing piece and practiced my ass off. I knew every fucking note as if it was my second language. The day of the audition, my mom came with me. I was ready. Just like every other God damned solo I had ever played in my life. Just like every other God damned audition I had ever aced. I was calm and collected and confident that I would handle business.

I entered the stage area and was faced with 5 decorated officers in a panel in front of me. (Knowing what I know now about military decorations … they are waaaaaaaay more intimidating than they actually are in real life.) Seeing them and being under the spotlight … shook me. I froze. I forgot my piece. I forgot how to fucking play the instrument that I had been playing for 10 years of my life. Meaning, when they allowed me a chance to play what I had written, the notes swam across the page. No longer was it my second language. It was instead a completely foreign language in some dialect that I had never heard before in my life.

I motherfucking blew it.

The reason I say that it was a defining moment of my last 12 years is because looking back on them, I have never really accomplished excellence. I literally have done exactly what I needed to do to remain successful enough. Not overly anything. I just didn’t give a fuck enough about any of it to really push myself. That, and I would rather expect to blow it than think I was gonna nail it and save myself the heartbreak when I did. I always have found myself questioning my excellence. Questioning my self worth. Questioning whether or not I am good enough.

The fact is, average is not me. Because of one stupid moment of weakness, I have made it me to save face in my own little pity party of waaaaaaaaaaah. When instead, I should have known it to be an everything happens for a reason moment and learned from it. As I have approached and entered my 30’s … I have really been working on practicing what I preach. You know, owning my words as if I were my own reader. Taking this new job has really pushed me to work outside of my element as well. It is unacceptable to be average. It is completely unacceptable to fly under the radar. Furthermore, being successful and striving for excellence is so rewarded and recognized that it is stupid to not want to be a part of it.

Never before have I been surrounded by more motivated and inspiring people, which has allowed me to not get discouraged at all of the “No’s” I have received. There is always a “Yes” following somewhere… you just have to push through all of the “No’s” first to get to it.

So instead of asking myself whether or not I think I can do something … I am working on reminding myself that, when I really put my mind to something … I absolutely with no doubt CAN and WILL do it.

Because that is what awesomeness and excellence and success is all about.

Now it is your turn. Get all HONEST up in this bitch. I promise I won’t judge you.

If you could inherit one extraordinary talent in one of the arts … what would the talent be?
Would you rather have an orgasm every 10 years OR every 10 seconds?

Tags: confidence, esteem, flute, navy, solo, success, symphony