YGWM & Friday Eye Candy (or) 3 days.
Jan 8, 2010 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, You've Got Wicked Mail
Well hello there! Welcome to the first YGWM of 2010. It has been a couple of weeks huh?
Miss me?! Whatever.
You know the drill. Purge your week (s) so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekend.
Dear You.
You are a fucking big pouty baby. Knock it off.
Me
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Dear Mommy,
This is a letter requesting for you to whoop my ass. I would like for you to whoop my ass for the following reasons:
1) For that time I called and pretended to be a kidnapper on the voicemail.
2) For not listening to 3/4 of the things you say to me.
3) For telling half truths.
4) For not doing my chores OR half assing my chores. (i.e. no food in the cat bowl today. or the dirty toilet. or the recycle being left for days on the street.)
5) For fucking with Charli on purpose and then acting like I didnt do anything with a stupid fucking look on my face.
6) For watching American Pie when I knew I wasn’t supposed to.
Please whoop my ass! I am begging you.
Xavier
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Dear D,
Please for the love of God, take a shower and then put it in my mouth in 3 days.
It will benefit everybody.
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Dear Cheeseburger,
(s) Yep. I had 2 of you and I loved every single salivating bite. I chewed each bite approximately 22 times to really taste you in my mouth.
I don’t care if it is me being unfaithful to my phase 1 diet. It was worth it. YOU were worth it.
TarablyWicked
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Dear Lucky Jeans Sales Guy,
I fucking adored your face. Especially when you made me try on size TWENTY NINE even despite my own inner fatty arguing over it. And then, when the size TWENTY NINE fit me, I honestly wanted to hug your fucking face off.
You were the best sales guy ever, giving awesome recommendations when needed without being fucking aggravating and in my face.
Also, a size TWENTY NINE!? That is fucking rad. If it wasnt for you, I would have never even tried them on.
You rule.
Wicked
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Dear Mom
You will be trivial. It could go one way or the other. I don’t want to but I have to. I am gonna take one for the team.
But if you sit at that slot machine at that slot machine like a test lab mouse pushing it for crack, I will leave and find my own fun.
Happy Birthday,
Tara Monique
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Dear Romo,
Don’t fucking blow it. You are my last hope other than the Vikings which I am grandfathered into being a fan of at this point. At least it is for a good reason.
Tarable
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Dear Red Jeep,
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. I am so fucking sick of your endless fucking problems and your endless drama that I could literally cry.
I cannot wait until I don’t have to drive you anymore. You are the biggest piece of shit ever.
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Dear Jersey Shore,
Why are you such a trainwreck?
Why do I love you so much?
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Dear Jackson,
What in the fuck is wrong with you? Get out of my face, off of my table and out of my house.
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Dear D,
I am excited for you to come home for the following reasons:
1) To put your face in my vagina.
2) To put your dick in my vagina.
3) To put your dick in my mouth.
4) To put the christmas tree away.
5) To deal with Xavier.
6) To sleep in the bed with me.
7) To have a conversation and not be on a time limit.
To sleep in on the weekends. I just want to sleep.
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Dear Hickey on my boob,
I don’t know where you came from or how you got there, but please go away.
Love, Boobs.
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Dear Paycheck,
Really?!
TarablyWicked
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Dear D,
I am happy for you to come home for the following reasons:
1) Courtni & I will no longer be at each others throats … well not daily and multiple times in a day anyway.
2) She will finally take a fucking joke. Because right now, to her, I am talking in literal form. All day.
3) It is like I have no personality and I am not funny. You and I both know this is not true.
4) She will finally not be mad at me for getting some. Because she will be getting lots of somes. Thank god.
5) I will finally have someone else telling me about myself. Because I am honestly done with Courtni telling me about myself. She is mean when she tells me about myself. This is because you arent putting it in her.
6) So you can whoop Xaviers ass. Jesus. He is a good kid but he needs a fucking ass whoopin. Fuck.
7) I value the extra 20 minutes of sleep I get. That is the time it takes to drop Charli off and make coffee and make breakfast. I would like to sleep in.
IF YOU FUCKING HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT THAT YOU ARE A PART OF THIS TEAM, THEN GET A NEW FUCKING BRAIN.
Love and no disrespect because I love you,
Tarable
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Dear You,
Also above and beyond you being a big fucking baby, you need to pick one. This back and forth shit is fucking both annoying and old.
K? K.
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Dear Boyfriend,
Fuck you read this so it is hard to open letter your ass. Even though it is not a bad open letter but our bosses read this too so…. put it in my mouth.
Tarable
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Dear New Guy #1,
I don’t give a good god damn who you think you are. Not even a little bit. Dont act like you are somebody. Because to me, you kinda arent.
Dear New Guy #2,
Your pick up lines are wack. Kinda like your face. Because you look like a dude that was a douche to Tarable.
Dear Mike O,
I love that I am your work boo.
Love Courtni
Dear Mike O,
I love your butt
Love Tarable
Dear Boyfriend,
Dont trip, your butt is cuter and nicer. And I get to touch it whenever I want except during work hours because that is not work appropriate and our bosses read this blog.
Love Tarable
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Dear HenrySan,
We miss the following:
1) your laugh
2) your rice
3) your open eye
4) your face
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Yep I feel better.
Now for the Friday Eye Candy. Since it has been awhile, I wanted to do something special.
A special group eye candy … just for you.
I joke.
This Friday’s eye candy is (drum roll please)
George Clooney
Oh and Khloe Kardashian. She is a hottie.
You go. Get it off of your chest. Purge your weeks drama so you can enjoy your weekend! (annnnnnnnd, I am looking for eye candy suggestions)
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, george clooney, khloe kardashian, Parenting
January 8th, 2010 at 01:28
Dear stupid scraped leg..
really??? You start to heal but then decide to go and get all yuck and make me feel ill and need antibiotics… and you do it on my week’s holiday which means I can’t spend a day at the shops cos you hurt too much… cut it out..
Me
Dear Work,
Please get busy again next week, I only saved enough money to have one week off, now I’m going to have to dip into my savings again to pay the rent..
Call me back in ok.. I would REALLY appreciate it
Kylie
Dear Lil Sis,
I hate that you’re over the other side of the country and I miss you too.. I promise I will do everything I can to come and visit you this year.. At least you’re here in March.. see you then..
Big Sis
Dear Hot Neighbour,
Come and visit me soon and tell me all about your holiday, I have missed your face my friend.
The Girl Next Door
Dear Courtni,
MMMMMM George Clooney…
Love Kylie
LivingWicked Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 01:28
You have a boy crush on your neighbour. I like this.
January 8th, 2010 at 03:15
Dear New York,
I can’t wait to see you later today. Yeah you’re going to be cold as shit but that doesn’t matter. Because I’m going to see Wicked and that makes everything OK.
—-
Dear Stomach,
Usually you’re a complete bitch to me. You settled just in time for me to leave today. I may have to re-evaluate my opinion of you. Unless you fuck with me in NYC, in which case I will be pissed.
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Dear Snooki,
Why in the blue grassy Hell am I eye-fucking you? Yes your rack is glorious but you quite honestly look like an oompa loompa child who stuffs with oranges. I don’t understand where my standards have gone.
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Dear Pocket Pussy That Should Be Arriving This Morning,
I am horny as fuck and because I am too old fashioned to be a normal guy and just screw my girlfriend silly (fucking intimacy issues) then you are my next best option. Because frankly, doing it with my hand is not cutting it. At all.
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Dear Courtni
Sometimes I just needed someone to whoop my ass too. The kid’ll be all right. I did a prank call once. To the police department. Yeah, never did anything worthy of a pop again after that one.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 01:30
Oh hell no. What happened?
Do pocket pussies really work?
Kendall Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 23:53
My little 6/7 year-old mind thought it would be funny to call the local PD. My mom walked into the room and caught me. Didn’t even get a chance to say anything. She walked over, grabbed my arm, told the operator it was her kid who thought he was being funny and tore my ass up.
I’ll let you know when I finally get home to use it.
January 8th, 2010 at 04:54
Dear R:
Really? You were that messed up? You got so deep into those pills that you swallowed a bottle? Are YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Yes, we have all put 2 and 2 together now… I know about the house being foreclosed, I know about the $ you owe, I know you and the hubby were using together… but REALLY? Thanks R, for being so selfish, that I need to go attend your memorial service this morning instead of just about anything else I could be doing.
I am just devastated… so many of us would have been there for you to get the help that you needed.
D.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 01:33
I am really sorry you are going through this. PM me if you need to talk.
January 8th, 2010 at 04:54
Dear Boys,
STOP MAKING PLANS THAT INCLUDE ME – OR RELY ON ACTIONS I WILL TAKE, WITHOUT ME PRESENT. Maybe you shouldn’t have scheduled the cable switch for the afternoon you weren’t going to fucking Temple to retrieve a fridge. Maybe you should have ASKED if I had plans. Maybe you shouldn’t have given me shit for starting packing before you wanted, rather than being irritated that I didn’t jump into help right away yesterday after the shittiest day at work ever. Maybe, just maybe, you should not blow the anal-rententive Virgo with a plan off when she tries to get shit organized.
Kthxbi.
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Dear IT,
Really? You don’t know why ALL the files are gone? But you don’t “think” it will happen again?!??!?
Can I have your job?
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Dear D,
There is a rumor on the internet that someone wants your cock in her mouth. You should look into that…
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Dear Etiquette,
Go Fuck Yourself.
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Dear POE-Support:
I AM NOT IT ANYMORE. And I WILL sit back and watch the chaos begin without helping. I might bring popcorn. BOOYA…Bitches.
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ooh – And POE-Recruitment:
WHERE THE HELL IS MY REFERAL BONUS?
</3
Squish
Anne Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 20:24
*snorts and hugs*
LivingWicked Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 01:34
This rumor may or may or may not have been started by me.
Why do I feel the urge to punch people out in your life right now?
January 8th, 2010 at 05:24
I love youse guys…that’s all!!!!
LivingWicked Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 01:34
ditto!
January 8th, 2010 at 05:50
Dear George Clooney,
Please let me sit on your face.
Love,
Me
Dear Courtni,
I cannot fucking wait to see you and cuddle with you and drink my ass off with you in June. I want us to have a ridiculous amount of pictures looking cute together,k? Because we’ll be on a fucking BOAT!
And I love you.
Lick my face,
Q.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 01:35
Move over beesh. I was on his face first.
Dear Q,
Um, me too, me too, me too … and IM ON A BOAT AND ITS GOING FAST AND!
January 8th, 2010 at 06:04
I don’t get them all, but like it anyway.
What’s a Kardashian? aren’t there more than one? Are the celebrated for being celebrities or do they actually do some thing? Not that it matters to me; with butts like they have they can just stand there. I’m fine with that.
Congratulations on size 29. I was once, back when I was 29 I think.
Dear brain,
Get your head out of her ass and write for your blogs.
Dear blogs,
I’ll get to you when I fffing feel like it.
Dear Friday,
You fffing day of the weak.
Thanks,
Greg
LivingWicked Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 01:37
There are 3 older Kardashian’s total. Their asses are quite delectable.
29 rules.
I am happy you came back.
January 8th, 2010 at 06:49
I Love Your Friday’s!
Ok, Here goes…
Dear Warden:
Thank you for being kind and actually understanding WHY I have been dressing up with heals & make up and doing my hair. Have you finally got over your jealousy issues and understand that I NEED this to feel good about myself?? I look so HOT!
And thanks for cleaning the WHOLE house yesterday!
Dear Cody:
Please get well honey, you have been sick in bed for a week…mommy can only do so much! I love you!
Dear Ash:
Thanks for keeping “our little money secret”
Now lets go SHOPPING!
Dear Hottie at POE:
OMG, I am gonna die! I know I showed you A LOT of clevage the other day….It was on purpose! You are so Fucking Hot! Just pick the day baby!!!
Dear Dr David:
YOU SUCK! I WILL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN! KISS MY ASS SWEDISH HOSPITAL!
Ok, I think thats all for now..
~Loves, Donna
LivingWicked Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 01:38
I wanna go shopping too!
January 8th, 2010 at 07:52
Dear Mom,
You know, after 32 years it gets old, watching haul all the guilt, and feeling sad when you make the same goddamn choices every fucking time. Lemme break this down. I was your daughter first. Before you met him, before I had step-siblings and before you had my brother. And yet you pull this “I am in the middle here and I would really love to come see you, but he has his feelings hurt because you won’t come see him during the day when I am not here and he is uncomfortable coming to grandma and grandpa’s house blah blah blah”
1. If you really wanted to see me, you would
2. furthermore, so would he. I came by, more than once, and drove 1000 miles to do so. The only time he has ever come to see me was by you bribing him that you would go to Amsterdam.
3. so don’t make excuses, and don’t think for one hot minute that you are fooling me or sparing my feelings
4. because honestly, I am done with this microuniverse you two have created in which you, the sun, and the world al revolve around him
5. he could be a good guy, and yeah he has a good heart, but he is also a spoiled fucking child in his 60s
6. I am sick to death of the way you bust your ass to please him, how hard you work, and he sits on his ass all day, every day waiting to die, be catered to, and not doing anything productive, but damn if he can’t find the energy to tell me I don’t need Christmas candy, and you how to do your job, wash dishes, wipe your ass, how to raise my daughter
7. he bitches, all the time, about everyone. And if he talks that much shit about my siblings I know goddamn well he does about me because THOSE kids are his, and I am just the overachieving step child who thinks she’s better than everyone else, or something.
8. it’s a goddamn shame that your life is easier without me near
9. It’s also a goddamn shame that your parents, my grandparents, live 10 minutes down the road and since ‘dad’ has you on a ’short leash’ that you have to choose.
10. fuck I can’t write anymore about this, here.
Gunny,
goddamn I miss you. You always seem to know the right things to say at the right time. I love that you still think I am beautiful after all of these years (almost 17). Because there are so many times I feel so forgotten and ordinary. Normally I am OK with ordinary, but you always seem to know when I need to hear that I am a gem to you.
Dear House,
you stink, and I cleaned you before I left. Now I gotta clean you again because closed up house stinks.
Dear Cats,
ugh. Really, you had to open all of the cupboards, and knock out the grapenuts all over the floor, and shake SO MANY needles off the tree that it looks like I murdered Christmas and left it to bleed out onto my carpet?
Dear Year ahead,
I know it is going to be hard, and I have set lofty goals, and I have had to leave a few people behind in order to reach those goals, but some friendships are toxic, and we don’t need toxic, especially when Gunny is not here to heal the wounds. I have great hopes and aspirations for you 2010. And I know that we are going to rock this decade.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 01:39
Holy hell. You need a vacation and you and I need to catch up and I love you and do you feel better?
January 8th, 2010 at 08:28
I just woke up and can’t think of anything to say so <333333333.
And I literally ROFL'd when I saw the Jersey Shore cast under the Friday Eye Candy thing… I just watched one of the episodes last night because I was like what the fuck is a JWOWWW??? So it happened to be the one where Snooki gets socked in the jaw by that asshole in the bar… It was like a train wreck I couldn't stop watching it lol
LivingWicked Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 01:40
LMFAO @ “what the fuck is a JWOWWWWW???”
That show is for real a trainwreck. I love it.
January 8th, 2010 at 10:01
is it wrong that i already had mine written in a blog just waiting for this day to come? oh boy.
dear charlie horse,
i liked you before you were with her. don’t call in sick when you were just fine the day before. we all know you are faking. don’t take a 4 hour lunch break the day before. don’t hide in the corner texting your “boo” when you are supposed to be working. stop being so obsessed. and cmon you should know any girl who asks for abercrombie underwear for xmas HAS to be a gold digger. ESPECIALLY after you have already spent like $1,000 on this chick. say bye bye investment. and please,call your customers,because i am not going to do it for you,even if you go to tahiti for a month. i loathe you now.
p.s. “charlie” hahahahaha
dear weather today,
wtffff its my day off,sun come out.
dear life,
argggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
dear untrustworthy people,
GET THE FUCK OUT OF 2010. i will not let you ruin this year as well. this year is MY year.
dear trust issues,insecurities,and lack of self confidence,
this is a bright and shiny new year. go away. not letting you rule my life,anymore.
dear boys,
cmon..i feel like im running out of fish in this sea. i want a great white!(shark,not trying to be racist)
dear nosey people,
if i wanted to tell you,i would have already. so when i say “i dont want to talk about it” i mean I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
dear me,
time to start over AGAINNNN. stop being an idiot. learn to keep things to yourself,learn to keep your mouth shut. readysetgo. pleaseee,learn from this. like you should have the last millions of times. time for operation duct tape.
oh yeah apparently “Texting” is not an actual word,i get the red squigglys and my suggestion is “testing”. weird.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 01:42
Texting is a word and I <3 that you had this prewritten.
It is gonna be your year.
dani Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 09:45
thanks darling
January 8th, 2010 at 10:30
Dear sheets,
Stop freaking bunching already. And tell the comforter to stop being too small, while you’re at it.
Much appreciated,
Jaime
LivingWicked Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 01:42
HA!
January 8th, 2010 at 20:18
Dear Uterus:
There is no room in the Inn… so there better not be a little room in the inn.
Expectantly Non Expectant,
Irritated
******
Dear 5.8 lbs:
I’ve joined the Witness Relocation Program. Don’t try to find me. Don’t ask any of your pounding friends for hints and clues because as I shove them off; I’m not wrapping them in any damn clues. This WILL be my year for SOME FUCKING THING GODDAMNIT!!!
I don’t miss you,
Anne
LivingWicked Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 01:43
errr.?
and HELL NO WE WONT GO!!!!!!!!!!!! @ 5.8lbs
January 8th, 2010 at 22:07
Dear Lazy Bitch:
First, put on a fucking bra. No one needs to see that shit. You’re fucking fifty years old, your nipples are no longer sexy. Especially when you have a-cups that sag to your knees thanks to your perpetual bralessness.
And also, learn how to do your fucking job and quit causing me to lose money EVERY FUCKING TIME I work with you. I don’t know why you haven’t been reprimanded for being such a lazy bitch, but I’m thisclose to reprimanding you myself. Wanna know how? I’m gonna jump you in the parking lot and steal all of your money to make up for all the money I’ve lost thanks to you.
Fuck you very much,
Toni
Dear bitchy baby mamas:
No, this is not a personal note. This one goes out to all the baby mamas out there who refuse to let their child’s father have a relationship with said child because the father doesn’t want to have a relationship with her.
Guys have rights too. If your baby daddy wants to be a part of his child’s life, let him. Consider yourself and your child lucky that he’s willing to take responsibility. There are so many guys out there who could care less about their kids, yet the ones who do care are forced to bend to the mother’s every whim. Guess what? Just because you carried the kid for nine months doesn’t make it any less his. Kids need fathers, and you need to stop being such a cum guzzling gutter slut. And also, if you’re that selfish, you probably shouldn’t be raising a child. Just sayin.
See you in hell,
Toni
LivingWicked Reply:
January 9th, 2010 at 01:44
Well. How did that make you feel?
Toni Reply:
January 11th, 2010 at 01:47
Wonderful. How was it for you?
January 9th, 2010 at 07:32
The TMI version: My periods have gone back to being irregular ever since Perrin was born. Every time it arrives later than the month before, Keith starts thinking I might be pregnant. If it takes long enough to arrive, I start to worry, too.
Luckily, I’ve been doing a scrap journal of my weight loss journey and went back to see that in Nov, it was the 11th; but came a week too early in December. Right now, I may be able to do the “Not A Mommy” dance by the end of today…. Hopefully.