TMIThursday: This Gives Want in one Hand … SHIT in the Other … a Whole New Meaning.
Jan 13, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, TMI Thursday's, Yum... or Lack There Of.
Happy TMIThursday peeps! If this has become your guilty pleasure, then you know that all you have to do is go visit LiLu and find a list of HOLYFUCKINGLIST of other TMIT’s as awful as mine.
If you haven’t read all of my TMIT posts, click here to catch up on the awesomeness.
Once upon an anal penetration, there lived a girl who loved it in her butt. (You can assume ((heh)) all day that this girl is me, but it really isn’t.) The problem with this girl is that she was a really big whore. And not the kind who gets paid. So really, she was a big anal loving slut-face.
I knew her at a time in my life where I was not fully in touch with allll that wraps into my sexual comfortability. (yes there was a time that I was a closet freak) So when she approached me about something new she wanted to try, I remember being half interested and half mortified.
Her: “I think that I want to try DP.”
Me: “DP? Like DPG?!”
Her: “Noooo Double Penetration.”
Me: “Like in the mouth and in the vag?”
Her: “Been there, done that … got the stain on the tshirt.”
Me: “What other kind of DP is the- ohhhhhhhh. Ack!”
Her: “You need to try anal. It is marvelous.”
Me: “Meh. So, where are you gonna find 2 poor saps to play cock swords?”
Her: “I don’t need 2.”
Me: “Toys?”
Her: “We will see.”
Days pass. I pretty much blocked the thought of her being ran into the ground in the form of DP from my mind on purpose. Did I avoid her calls? Yes. But as you can probably guess, she tracked me down to tell of her HoeTales.
Her: “Mission Accomplished.”
Me: “Oh Jesus. What happened?!”
Her: “Well… it didn’t turn out the way I hoped.”
Me: “Okay…”
So she goes into this story of how she calls up one of her regular booty calls. She propositions him in the most porn starry way ever imaginable and he practically runs over. Several beers and a Costco tub of lube later … he is balls deep in the snatch and elbow deep in the anus.
Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech.
Me: “He fucking fisted your asshole?! How in the–?!”
Her: “Don’t ask.”
Me: “I didnt fucking ask for a n y of this.”
She continues. Telling me of dirty talk and orgasms. She begins describing to me how she was preparing for the big “O”. You know, the one that is the most uncontrollable ever … ?!
Yeah that one.
Well, as her big “O” comes … so does another big thing. Do you even want to guess?
Yeeeeeeah you do.
The big thing was a poo poo present. All up his handslashwristslasharm. She looked back, and there this poor asshole ((heh)) was, frozen … staring at his good arm. Covered in her shit. I can only imagine how fucking nasty it smelled … let alone how it looked. Apparently he felt it when it happened, pulled out … saw that one hand was … browner than the other … and freaked the fuck out.
I can’t say that I blame him. Betcha that was the last time he ever put his fist inside someones ass. Or offered it either …
((heh))
Ass … er I mean AS usual … feel free to share you own TMIT’s either related to or completely unrelated to this story. You know I am a sucker for a good TMIT.
January 13th, 2010 at 23:18
Ummm…sweet holy hell…
This is why anal of any sort has to be well timed…you can’t just treat it as another a la carte option…
I will say no more.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 23:20
That is what happens when stupid people try to do complicated things.
January 14th, 2010 at 00:15
owwwwwwwwwwwwwww. my butt hurts just thinking about it. i can’t handle a constipated poo,i don’t know how anyone in their right mind could handle a FIST in their back door. oh man..
LivingWicked Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 09:39
HAHAHA
January 14th, 2010 at 00:21
Hahahaha. No. Seriously. Hahahahahahaha.
This friend of mine (and by “friend”, I mean the kind of guy you hang out with every once in a while when you didn’t mind the possibilities of either falling asleep with a stripper or ending up in jail) Anyway, he was fucking this girl in the ass and during pulls out and finds an undigested green bean on his dick. He was shocked and confused and mortified and seconds later too limp to continue. He just kept mumbling to her “A green bean?! A green bean?!”
By the way, I <3 you for this phrase: "That is what happens when stupid people try to do complicated things."
I shall use it daily.
Jessica Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 04:58
ROFLMFACO
LivingWicked Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 09:40
HA HA HA HA HA
OMFG That is HORRIBLE.
January 14th, 2010 at 02:06
I’ve farted in the face of not one, but TWO guys right as I was about to orgasm… and they wonder why I have performance anxiety when it comes to cumming when someone else is around.
April Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 06:31
Glad I’m not the only one
LivingWicked Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 09:41
Ack! I would have performance anxiety too.
April Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 10:35
Getting old is serious business… kinda gassy too
Toni Reply:
January 15th, 2010 at 08:41
Gassy women UNITE!!!
It has nothing to do with getting old for me… I’ve had this problem since I was in high school!
January 14th, 2010 at 04:36
/facepalm. That is all.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 09:41
Agreeed.
January 14th, 2010 at 05:26
yeah, WHAT DRE SAID……nasty, nasty
LivingWicked Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 09:42
Agreeeeeeeed.
January 14th, 2010 at 05:56
[...] LivingWicked’s TMIThursday: This Gives Want in one Hand … SHIT in the Other … a Whole New Meaning. [...]
January 14th, 2010 at 06:25
I think I saw something similar on rotten a few years back.
The Anal Fisting image had me laughing for a good 3-5 minutes.
Well done, well done indeed.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 09:43
Griffin Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 10:11
Rotten.com is a place for all things gross, horrific, and gererally obscene. It was once the place to go to gross out your friends, now it has been usurped by /b/
January 14th, 2010 at 06:32
Oh holy, God. Ima puke.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 09:43
January 14th, 2010 at 07:01
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I am pretty sure I have a new favorite TMIT now.
WIN.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 09:44
*curtsy*
January 14th, 2010 at 11:29
You know what? I thought it was bad when into a port-a-john that one time. This? Way worse. Way way way worse.
Fisting seems uncomfortable as it is. Anal fisting? No. Just no.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 22:39
I enjoy fisting in the vagina. Not gonna lie.
January 14th, 2010 at 12:15
ah-hahahahah.
that is a-goddamn-mazing.
in a much tamer version, my boyfriend had been screwing around the back door with his finger, and later on in the session i was sucking them…but he kept holding one away from me. “why can’t i lick that one?” – “because it was in your ass” – “oh. right”.
happy thursday
LivingWicked Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 22:43
GAH ROSS! But much, much tamer.
January 14th, 2010 at 13:25
Oh my god. This is one of the most TMI TMIs I have ever read! Awesome – in a truly disgusting way.
And funnily enough, it kinda relates to MY post this week. By accident…
LivingWicked Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 22:44
Oh well now I need to go and see.
January 14th, 2010 at 13:54
Hahahahahahaha EW EW EW. I csn’t say shit about the DP because…well, cock swords have been played, but it only lasted like 10 seconds because SOMEONE came too fast. A (relatively small) penis is one thing – but a FIST? No. No no no no no.
LivingWicked Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 22:49
We alllllllllll know about you and DP.