YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Dec 18, 2009 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Friday Eye Candy, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch, love
TGIMFF!
You know the drill. Purge your week so that you can officially enjoy your weekend!!!
Dear Tarable,
I understand that you are having really good sex. I am really really really really happy for you. However. I am not having it. It = the sex. I would appreciate it if you would stop rubbing it in. Ok? Ok.
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Dear Owner,
I need to say this bluntly: It is offensive for you to blame our company for your addiction to food. There is nothing wrong with being a bigger size. Furthermore, I completely relate to us all not fitting the societal mold of a size 2 runway model. But to have the audacity to sit on the phone with me and blame this company for your obesity is offensive and completely out of line.
It is not my fault that you need to buy 3 plane tickets for you and your spouse in order to travel. Period. It is also not my fault that you are uncomfortable with your travels because of your size. How about rethinking that Big Mac with extra special sauce next time?
If you are mad about being obese … then maybe you should order a salad. Maybe … just maybe … you shouldn’t blame people i.e. your account manager for the woes you have experienced. The bottom line is: You are mad that you are obese. Either own it or fix it.
Love Tarable
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Dear Mister,
Go ahead and let it out. Just do it. Like Nike. It is going to happen eventually. You and I both know that it is inevitable. I am patiently waiting for the words to come out of your mouth. Because I refuse to be the one to say it first.
Yours always, Tarable
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Dear You,
It is inappropriate. Period. All of it. Every bit. Blah.
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Dear Wicked,
I love you, first and foremost. I am so glad that you admitted the weakness that it was and that you are bigger and better for it. You are truly my best friend in every way shape and form … and know me better than anyone else does. WE will get through the hard times together. No matter what happens. Goodnight and goodbye … ooooh ooh ooh. Because when it truly comes down to it, you are there. Quit looking at your cell phone. K?
Tarable.
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Dear Tarable,
You are not allowed to make me cry on my own blog. I am so proud of you and also so happy for you for finding someone to make you happy. I love you. Forever. I cannot wait to have my moment to honor you.
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Dear Ken Adams,
I may or may not have a crush on you.
Love, Regina Philange
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Dear Bosses,
I am stoked to be a part of the team. Know that I am gonna work my ass off. Period. Because that is what I do.
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Dear New Bitch,
Get out of my face. I am not interested in being nice to you. Ever.
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Dear Carol, Squish, Tori, Q, Chrissie, Cassie, Chrissa,
I motherfucking miss you. So bad that it hurts.
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Dear Vagina,
OMG STOP TRYING TO TAKE OVER MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cannot listen to your manipulativeness. CANNOT.
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Dear Manipulative Fucking Bitch,
He is going to leave you if you don’t knock it off. We don’t believe you. Whether you are in the picture or not, we will be friends. Period. It is all innocent and not at all what your insecure ass thinks that it is. K? K.
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Dear Xavier,
Thank you so much for trying. You really are a wonderful kid.
Love, Mommy
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Dear Wicked,
You will get there I promise. You need some strong something or other pushing you towards the finish line….I love you. You pretend like you can handle anything and everthing but you need help and when you ask for it it is hot. You can never be replaced. Even with you texting shit eating grin on your face. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Dear D,
God damnit I fucking miss you. On a level that is not able to be verbalized.
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This Friday, I am undecisive on the hottie. So Tarable hit “Random Hottie” in Google .. .so this is what you get:
Have you ever been left speechless? What put you in a position where you were without words?
Tags: Friendship, random hottie, Sex
December 18th, 2009 at 05:51
Dear self:
You chose to be a morning person, and then chose a family that isn’t. Deal with it. Stop pouting.
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Dear CoWorker,
It’s cute you think noone is noticing that you are STILL not finishing your work. That you are leaving everything til the end of the day so as to not ‘be able’ to help with the extra shit we need to get done before January 1… But I notice. ANd keep track. Because I’m the one cleaning up after you.
This WILL be addressed when I get back next week. Officially this time. With paperwork.
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Dear Apartment:
If you could learn to clean yourself, that would be awesome. I don’t have enough hours in the day currently to keep up with the mess of three people and two dogs. And we’re moving. Soooo, if you could learn to pack everything up as well, that would be even more awesome and I’d bake you cookies.
Thanks,
Squish
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And that last picture scares me a bit. I’m not exactly sure why.
Anne Reply:
December 18th, 2009 at 07:01
Could be proportions? Do you prefer symmetry?
Squish Reply:
December 18th, 2009 at 09:02
maybe… it also seems like a pretty masculine pose, now that I look at it more, which may play a part too…
Anne Reply:
December 18th, 2009 at 11:22
Ah, I see that now that you point it out.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 18th, 2009 at 13:31
I think that pose is god damned sexy.
Her ass would make a very nice accent pillow on my bed plsnthx.
December 18th, 2009 at 06:27
meh.
yum.
yummy.
yowza.
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Dear Ex:
It was just sex. Now leave me alone, k? thanks.
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Dear Friend:
I miss you so fucking much. Like I can’t even find the words to say how much I miss you. But it’s eating me alive. And I’m so hurt that you’re still planning that trip that I was invited to go on, I presume with a replacement me. I know you have to fix your marriage and I’ll do what you need me to do and keep away so you can do that but it’s unfair and it pisses me off. I really hope you figure this out soon. Because I’m selfish and I need my friend.
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I think after each birth of my children, holding them the first time, there were no words. Just pure, raw emotion.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 18th, 2009 at 13:32
I am sorry that your friend is hurting you.
I agree on childbirth. Insane emotions.
December 18th, 2009 at 06:57
Dear Husband,
Really, if you’re only ever going to blow off my panic attacks as so much nonsense…. Don’t ever motherfucking ask me what’s wrong again.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 18th, 2009 at 13:32
Word.
December 18th, 2009 at 07:35
Dear Wicked,
I do not like not having time to comment on your blog.. however finals are now over and I can breathe for a bit.. Know that I’ve been reading and that as usual, things have a way of working themselves out.
-Dre
Dear Crazy Old Lady I live With,
AHHH!!!!!!!!!
that is all.
-Co-inhabitor who’s losing her mind
LivingWicked Reply:
December 18th, 2009 at 13:33
I miss your commentary too.
December 18th, 2009 at 07:55
Dear Kitty,
I felt terrible for having to end your life. However, you are not in pain and utterly miserable anymore. You were a pain in my ass and stunk up my house, but I found you, and saved you. I had you for eleven years. You are family and will be missed. Ugh. I am relieved to have it over with.
Dear hubby’s job – You suck donkey balls. I can’t even go into specifics, but you know what you do to him on a constant basis and he is on of the top maybe 4% of your workers and you continue to dump on him. Well I cannot wait til spring when he tells you that you can go fuck yourself, and you are totally screwed. Oh and I hope the servers go down the day after he leaves. Try and fix that Assholes!
I remember my first day of 7th grade. We met my mom at an A&W for dinner, and she told us she was pregnant. I was the baby of the family and almost 13. I never expected her to ever have another child. I totally love my sister and was really excited after the shock wore off. I couldn’t even say anything to my mom because I was completely dumbfounded when she told us.
December 18th, 2009 at 08:05
I miss you too. I just want to cuddle you and pet your head and make fun of people and kiss your kids. I wish I won the lottery so I could just come play like, all the time.
Also, Alessandra is my girl. Noms.
Dear boyfriend,
I like you a lot and everything but please try not to be such a dumb stoner all the time. It’s really frustrating having to repeat myself or explain something that shouldn’t need explaining. Also, we’re going to the museum and zoo lights whether you like it or not and if you DON’T want to go? I’ll find someone who does punk ass.
Dear sleep,
I miss you. Thank god the aforementioned boyfriend has work for the next few nights so we have pleeeenty of time to catch up.
Dear Kismet,
Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss! I can’t even WAIT to snuggle with you tonight my little peanut. I miss your whiskers and your sneaky face and your non-eye and even your boney feet poking my bladder in the morning. Time for mommy-kizzers time.
December 18th, 2009 at 09:04
Dear “Friend”
Or so you call yourself, when I don’t consider you one. I have been a friend to you, but you have not really been much of one to me. You have used me, and think I am your motherfucking Taxi service. While I wasn’t able to buy your son a brand new starter jacket, I found a gently used one for him. Your baby, I got toys from the local toy drive. That’s right, I was able to get toys donated to troops’ children whose daddies were deployed, for YOUR little boy, because I knew that since you didn’t have a job, and your car was broke down and I had been giving you a ride for a month that you didn’t have the resources. So then, when I started talking yard sale, you started talking dibs with the promise of an IOU. Then when I offered to give one of your kids one of our old gameboys for Christmas instead of selling it on EBAY, you asked for 2.
That did it for me.
The saying give until it hurts and then give more is so true. I know your life sucks right now, but you know, there is a really good bus system, and I am not a taxi service. I told you last week that I wouldn’t be available this week because I had to get my shit in order before going back home for the holidays, and yet every GODDAMN day you have been texting me asking for a ride. And then you get pissy when I say no.
I gave until it hurt and I gave more, and I am done. Call me when you are ready to offer something by way of friendship to reciprocate, because basically, I have just been your driver.
I knew this would happen. You are the type always looking to be saved by someone.
I know you are going to school, but damn. In all the time I have known you, you have never gotten a job, and you depend on man after man after man… and you wonder why your 14 year old is angry? Maybe because you buy your 5 year old shit, and not him. Maybe because you let men into your house instead of trying to get a job.
At first I was all for helping you out. I know you are struggling. But now, it just looks like you are trying to pull somebody down with you. Even if you don’t believe you are doing it.
I got shit going on to. Just because I ain’t broadcasting it, don’t mean it’s not happening. So STFU and take the damn bus.
December 18th, 2009 at 09:05
too*
December 18th, 2009 at 09:13
FUCK!
in the biggest and boldest lettering imaginable! just…
FUCK!
December 18th, 2009 at 10:22
no doubt, we are all effin missing you, too.
speechless…births of my kids, the night my ex proposed., at my dad’s final visitation in a state of shock.
dear santa,
help my kiddos understand your top heavy presence at their daddy’s and your much softer/lesser presence in our home. i’m trying…but it’s just difficult.
dear cookies and cream,
i miss you. the really GOOD cookies and cream.
December 18th, 2009 at 13:14
I was ALMOST left speechless right now. I don’t know who the chick is in that last picture, but that ass was made for some doggie style plowing. Muscles, not so hot, but the ass is great on her.
And -
Dear Dan. It is NOT okay to grind on me or spoon me in the middle of the night. Your throbbing cock against my ANYTHING, is NOT OKAY. I cannot even masturbate and your teasing me. It’s not fair. You. Me. This conditon. Do not go together. Hurrythefuckupwiththecondoms because we will have at LEAST two weeks to get through like that before I can start on the pill and have it not effect my milk supply. If you want it, YOU get them. -<3Me.
Dear BigMike, Boss of all things REHAB. I LOVE YOU!!!! Thank you for siding with him. Now, do him a favor. Conference call his mother and tell her how the fuck it is. -<3 dababymomma.
Dear California. I love you. I want to be all up in you, but we just cannot commit right now. Blame his sister. The tension that she's created between me and his family makes us both want to stay right here. We're going to need to build on that a little bit before we make that big leap. I'm sorry.
Dear Kindergarten Bus Driver – Bitch, YOU LEAVE THE SCHOOL AT 11:57. There is NO REASON it should take you TWENTY MINUTES OR MORE TO DRIVE THREE MINUTES AND TWO STOPS AWAY. My child will not be riding your bus anymore. I will pick him up at the school. AT 11:52. From my nice warm car. Which is better than standing in the COLD from 12:00 to 12:20 EVERY DAY YOU ARE LATE. GET A NEW JOB. -pissedoffparent.
December 18th, 2009 at 13:55
yes. time for some letters.
dear ugly bitch for a SIL —
until you sack up and tell me the deal, i have no interest in being ’sisters’. why you ask? because ’sisters’ don’t let shit go this far. ’sisters’ fucking TALK ABOUT SHIT instead of ‘dropping it’. i have tried and tried to squash it but i am unable to get passed your liar face. in turn, am not interested in liars. furthermore, im uninterested in your control issues, we’ve been fine without you for the last year, whats another year? im not interested in going down that path again with you. quit emailing me when you need childcare for date nights with your ex husband who continues to fuck you over. grow the fuck up. you may be able to boss your family around but i am not putting up with it… g’head… step to this, i look forward to stomping your already ugly face into the ground.
- not having it.
dear parent of neglected children whom i watch every week:
is it that hard to change your child when she wakes up from 12 hours of sleep? it would save 1) your daughter having to sit in shit for 45 minutes in the morning 2) me having to clean it up 3) your car seat from shit stains that you neglect to clean and 4) me thinking about killing you and calling CPS.
PAY ME ON TIME or pay late fees. im not chasing you around to collect money bcuz you are too much of a lazy bitch to pay me like you are supposed to.
TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN or get your shit fixed… double up on the condoms and quit reproducing welfare babies that you refuse to take care of. you’re lucky i need the money.
- already have another ad on CL and sittercity.
dearest mya,
we will get a tree tonight, i promise. sorry that we have not been able to stop moving since thanksgiving. the holidays are weird.
dearest jacob,
you have never looked more cute — you will get your two front teef for xmas.
- mommy loves you.
dear dad:
dont fuck with us. i believe you this time… i dunno why, i just do. make it happen.
- youre daughter.
DEAR WICKED:
CALL A BITCH!
- your old skool bitch
December 20th, 2009 at 14:33
Dear Wicked,
I am very proud of you for staying strong, for sometimes admitting this is just too hard and for sticking with it. You RAWK!
Dear (Person I Heart)
Thank you for being you, for taking this a little bit at a time, for accepting me for who I am, for wanting me… for making me actually think that I might be able to find love again…
Dear Me,
Hang in there… get through this… Book a lot of Celebrating Home Parties… Get registered back in school… File the DAMN GARNISHMENT ALREADY… WTF, who are you really scared of? Collect what is owed to you, just do it…
Dear Tarable and Wicked,
Thank you for making me feel some real raw emotions, takes a lot anymore, you made me feel alive, wanted and that it really is all worth it… I heart you both!!
Dear Dani,
Thanks for hanging in there and trying to help me, thanks for staying with me overnight and doing movie night, I wanna do it regularly after I get settled k?
Ya that is all I got… nothing really negative to bitch about this week…
Moments that have taken my breath away ~~ birth of children truly miraculous… nature can just stop me in my tracks… sometimes it is a sunset, a storm, a waterfall, a deer, it happens to be magic in my eyes… I am in the middle of a brand new relationship that keeps taking my breath away because it keeps going forward and is healthy and right… never had that before… so deserve it, so savoring it…