The Many Reasons Why.
Dec 20, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, love, pillow talk
We are coming down to no time left of D’s extended vacation.
As we approach his return, I have started thinking about all of the reasons why I am so excited for him to come home.
Reason #1: Rhymes with Mex (ican).
Many people have made the comment to me about how the number of days I have gone without or the total number of days that I will have gone without is a drop in the bucket compared to theirs or whatever. Let me break something down for you. I am not living in a sexless, intimacy-less marriage. We (besides our moments of dysfunction…) genuinely love each other. Whether we are in a slump or not … he makes up for it with a good grudge fuck. So to not have it … especially not having it because I have been told that I CANT have it … makes me angry.
You better believe that someone is getting some immediately. Stat. On site.
Reason #2: He is more patient than I am. About everything. (Bitches I know you are surprised about that.)
So for a good couple of weeks, I am not going to be participating in anything kid related. You wanna tattle? Go to dad. You want some more motherfucking juice in your cup? Dad will get it. Period. Idontwantit. I am not participating in anything antagonized argument between these 2 little brat faces.
K?
Reason #3: I am lonely. (sadface)
My evenings usually consist of he and I in some sort of conversation. I don’t know about you all who are in relationships, but I actually enjoy spending time with my husband. We laugh our asses off. (Hello have you not read any of the Pillow Talk blogs?!)
Exactly. If anything, him being gone is a disservice to you as my loyal readers. Who looks forward to the next installment of our conversations?!
(me too. D is hilar)
Reason #5: I am tired of cleaning this fucking house.
I swear to Baby Jesus himself that I walk in circles around here picking shit up. Blocks. Socks. Paper. Crayons. Dishes. Fucking sucker sticks. (Thanks Ms.Moon) I get all excited that my house is FINALLY clean and then BLADAAAAAAW! More motherfucking blocks. More motherfucking SOCKS. More motherfucking dishes. Gah. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
It wouldn’t be so bad if that is ALL I FUCKING DID. But it isn’t. So, I think I dont want to anymore. K?
Reason #6: I don’t have time to cook.
So therefore I don’t eat as healthy as I would like to. This means I have gained some weight back. Not a lot, but still. I can tell a difference and I don’t like it. D cooked his awesome ass off, making sure that there was always something that I wanted to eat that I could eat with South Beach. Being that I am on the go all god damn day … I rarely have time to really think that far in advance. Ya dig?
Reason #7: Someone needs to have “The Talk” with Xavier.
Being as I don’t have a penis … (at least not one that is permanently attached to my body) … I dont think that I should be the one to do it. Just like I wouldn’t expect him to talk to Charli about female issues …
Bottom line: D needs to get some birds and bees business out in the air with Xavier. Pronto styles.
Reason 7.1: Charli misses the shit out of her dad.
Reason #8: I want to sleep.
Reason #9: Did I mention the SEX!?
Fucking aye.
I plan on:
picking a fight with his ass so we can have make up sex
lighting some candles so we can have that sweaty making love soap opera sex
putting on my candy apple red JSimpson FMP’s with some school girl stockings so we can have some inappropriate role play sex
wearing one of my fedora’s and an over sized white button up with my new HOT BOOTS so we can have some smooth criminal sex.
leaving for the weekend so we can have some all over the condo butt naked push the shit off the counter give it to me sideways sex.
a great deal of putitinmymouth oral sex.
And that is just the first few days. K? K.
Annnnnnnnnnnd Reason #10: I am spoiled.
I never saw it before. I am so god damn spoiled that it is stupid. I work my ass off every day and he takes care of everything the hell else.
I can honestly say that I am lost without him. So, a bitch is starting to count down. Get ready. It is about to get ugly.
Have a happy MondayBeforeChristmas!
Are you done shopping?
Have you been naughty or nice?
What have you asked Santa for this year?
Tags: birds and bees, Family, jail, marriage, Sex
December 20th, 2009 at 23:26
Am very excited for you…and not just because you’ll get laid…but because you will have him home! Long.Time.Coming….!!!
LivingWicked Reply:
December 20th, 2009 at 23:39
But I will also get laid.
December 20th, 2009 at 23:28
all ive asked for is a cute non stalkerish not too nice not too mean potential bf. i dont see that in my future though haha
i will be done shopping by xmas eve haha i have to go to the liquor store
and i have been SO nice this year its not even funny..like..no sexytime AT all since hewhoshallnotbenamed. i been DAMNNNNN good. i need to find someone to be BAD with lol.
p.s. i helped santa pick out your lump of cole
LivingWicked Reply:
December 20th, 2009 at 23:40
You KNOW I have a lump of coal waiting.
dani Reply:
December 20th, 2009 at 23:43
im getting a spell checker haha
LivingWicked Reply:
December 20th, 2009 at 23:49
LMFAO
dani Reply:
December 20th, 2009 at 23:51
coal. C-O-A-L. nap F-U-errr..N-A-P. sorry that first one was charli’s version
p.s. could you please do me a favor,instead of asking for a present for yourself this year,ask santa clock for my hot hunk of man. it might “lessen” your amount of coal.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 20th, 2009 at 23:57
SANTA CLOCK!!! YESSSSSSS!
dani Reply:
December 20th, 2009 at 23:58
santa..C(l)ock?
*blows kisses and raspberry
December 20th, 2009 at 23:28
I am glad it’s almost time for him to come home
I am not done with shopping, but I only have gift cards, the annual ornaments, and small co-worker gifts to get. Kids are done. Thank goodness.
I have been very nice. My karma has been kick-ass this year!
I haven’t really asked Santa for anything. I always hope for some cash to pay bills… gift cards… a nanny who can clean, cook, and entertain…
LivingWicked Reply:
December 20th, 2009 at 23:41
I want a topless maid to fold my laundry. Is that too much to ask?
dani Reply:
December 20th, 2009 at 23:53
i can fold laundry topless,but i’m not sure how my mother would feel about that hahaha
LivingWicked Reply:
December 20th, 2009 at 23:57
ROFLMAO. You are off the hook right now!
December 21st, 2009 at 05:18
[...] The rest is here: The Many Reasons Why. [...]
December 21st, 2009 at 05:35
I don’t have time for answering the questions as I am running late for work, but I was a way fro awhile and I am back and I wanted to say “hi”.
I’m glad he’s almost home.
December 21st, 2009 at 06:50
Are you done shopping? yes I am…WOOT
Have you been naughty or nice? the right mixture of BOTH
What have you asked Santa for this year?nothing
LivingWicked Reply:
December 22nd, 2009 at 01:06
woot!
December 21st, 2009 at 07:30
Yay for the D almost being home!
I am not done shopping. sad face.
I’ve been relatively nice…
unless you ask some of the people I’ve checked out at BN… but they also think I’m hilarious so I’m just a wiseass basically.
I really loved that Santa Clock thing, I laughed for a good ten minutes when I read it.. Sooo I’m gonna ask Santa Clock for something right now, I want to meet my best friend. Please and thanks, make it happen oh master of time. do it. do it now.
Also, I would prefer to fold laundry bottomless, and shake my ass to Christmas songs around the house like Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 22nd, 2009 at 01:06
I am glad I am not the only one who got a laugh out of Santa Clock.
I like that visual. ps.
December 21st, 2009 at 11:27
I’ve never thought about it but now that you bring it up – a topless maid would be AWESOME.
There wasn’t a lot of shopping to do this year as my bonus was teh suck. So yea it’s done.
I guess I’ve been nice? Unfortunately. Other than that thing I did last week.
I haven’t asked Santa for anything. Santa isn’t real, yo.
But if he were – TOPLESS MAID. uh – FREE TOPLESS MAID. That is all.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 22nd, 2009 at 01:07
RIGHT!?
(Iwantahottoplessmaiddamnit!)
December 21st, 2009 at 11:28
fuck, eager fingers. Forgot to say – yay for D coming home. I bet he misses you just as much.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 22nd, 2009 at 01:07
he fucking better!!!!!!!!!!
December 21st, 2009 at 11:31
Awesome! I wish my hubby appreciated all the things I do for him like that every day. D is very lucky! I’m sure he knows it
When does he get home?
Are you done shopping? Yes thank you baby jesus
Have you been naughty or nice? FANTASTIC (which translates to a little of both)
What have you asked Santa for this year? Diamonds. LMAO. More realistically I asked for a Nintendo DSi, which I got early. Yay!
LivingWicked Reply:
December 22nd, 2009 at 01:08
I hope he knows. I mean it.
YAY!!!!!!
December 21st, 2009 at 12:20
1. I AM done with my shopping! Also almost done with wrapping.
2. I am never naughty.
3. A camcorder. And I got it.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 22nd, 2009 at 01:08
I find it hard to believe that you are NEVER naughty.
December 23rd, 2009 at 07:37
Oh, I’ve been naughty and nice. I admit both, willingly.
Shopping was done…but I have decided to do one more thing…which will be resolved at Target on my lunch hour today. Finis.
The only thing I really wanted was travel expenses to Houston for Mary’s wedding…but, even if that money showed up, I’d be forced to pay bills with it.
You know, dollface, everything does happen for a reason. Maybe, just maybe, part of why this happened was to give you BOTH different perspective, or heightened perspective and gratitude for each other. You know, the whole break you down to build you up thing.