Decisions… Decisions…
Dec 14, 2009 DUH, Etc., Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Thoughts and Perceptions
Happy Motherfucking Monday. How was your weekend? Mine was … interesting to say the least.
This weekend got me thinking about how much of an impact 1 simple decision can have on everything you do.
Example:
My decision to not deal with D being gone. I made an unconscious decision to just fucking ignore it.
When I got there, it hit me. I haven’t missed someone so much in my whole life like I missed him on Friday night. My right side was vacant. My heart was heavy. I tried my damnedest to play it off but seeing everyone with their significant others stung. With each sting … I made the decision to drink more.
Before I knew it …
I acted like an asshole. I drank too much. I cried like a little girl. I got cut off at the bar for the first time in my whole life. I broke a glass. I forgot a lot of the evenings events. I then made a decision to drive home which then led me to the decision to pull over in some random parking lot and pass out.
Right?!
This decision also led to people worrying about me and that makes me sad. I am not the irresponsible one. Anyway, I woke up on Saturday and wanted to crawl into a hole and just disappear from the world.
What did I say? Who did I say it to? Did I do anything overly embarrassing?
Ahhh… decisions, decisions.
We all make decisions to or not to do things.
Do I make the decision to punch that new work bitch in her face?
Do I make the decision to eat that cheeseburger that I really want to eat?
Do I make the decision to … do that … ?
Because of one bad decision … It dominoed into all of that chaos above. So, now … I have decided to make the decision to stop acting like I am tough all of the time. Because apparently, I am not. I am making the decision to deal with it and not push it out of my mind anymore. Because the next bullshit that happens will be way worse. I know me. That whole business told me about myself.
So. Yeah. As always, I learn the motherfucking hard way.
Have you made any bad decisions lately? How have they affected everything else in your life?
If you could go back and change one decision … one that affected everything in your life … would you? Why or why not?
December 14th, 2009 at 03:27
Ever notice that learning things the hard way almost ALWAYS = NOT being a grownup in that moment? ugh.
As far as your questions go.. when Mom makes a bad decision it nearly always comes back to impact the House in some way or another.
If I could go back and change one decision? Oh boy that’s a heavy one in light of what we’ve been going through lately.And sometimes? I would. Purely to save the impact on the innocents. To spare them the grief and crap that’ll affect them their whole life. For them, yes. I would.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 14th, 2009 at 22:45
I completely … COMPLETELY fucking get why you would. I probably would do the exact same thing.
December 14th, 2009 at 04:04
I spent about a year and a half making several bad decisions. Some were small; I knew they were a bad plan but I kept my head just enough to know when to pull the hell out. Some were huge; I still make silent prayers of apology to God and everyone whom I hurt (even though they don’t know I’ve hurt them). One, I would absolutely go back and never do again. That one decision could/might have put everyone I love in danger and I hope that shoe never drops.
With all that said, I wouldn’t take back the vast majority of my bad decisions because I DID learn from them. I became a stronger person for them; not perfect but stronger. Bad decisions suck the motherfucking Casbah, but you’ve got the flip the script and grow from that moment on. I learned what I’m capable of. I learned where I want my lines to be drawn.
I’d go on; but I’m being told that Turner (Handy Manny) is a toy an I’ve bad the bad decision to let the t.v. babysit my child.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 14th, 2009 at 22:50
But the TV is such a great baby sitter!
No?!
December 14th, 2009 at 05:11
Sorry, Courtni. Learning sucks sometimes. I’m sorry this all hurts.
I have amazing luck and a good disposition so it’s hard to tell if I make bad decisions or not. It usually all works out fine and any minor trouble rolls off this duck’s back.
If I could change one… I wouldn’t. Because I would have always wondered what would happen if I did. I did and it derailed some of my plans for the future, but, still, I’m happy and I guess it was worth going through. I wouldn’t change any of my decisions.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 14th, 2009 at 22:51
It will get better. I am just going through the process.
December 14th, 2009 at 05:55
Have you made any bad decisions lately? How have they affected everything else in your life?
If you could go back and change one decision … one that affected everything in your life … would you? Why or why not? yes, I would change quite a few things in my life, knowing full well that it might make life tons different.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 14th, 2009 at 22:52
Good to know.
December 14th, 2009 at 06:37
Kidding me? I make bad decisions all of the time. Like there’s a part of my brain that is so overloaded on fucking responsibility that I intentionally act irresponsibly when I know I should do better. But last night I made a good decision and I’m proud of myself. I was at a really low point, feeling very alone and needy and my vagina was screaming at me on top of the lonely feelings and I so badly wanted to call up Him and ask him to come over to “keep me company”. yea huh. I didn’t. And this morning? GOD am I glad I managed to keep my head on straight enough to not make that call when I wanted to. I kept my eye on the consequences of that call and pulled through it, somehow.
April Reply:
December 14th, 2009 at 15:09
Yea… all that stuff I said about being glad I didn’t do it? erm. I kinda just fell off that wagon hard this afternoon. Getting back on now. But now I’m going to have to deal with his crap again. Because I was weak. Stupid vagina.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 14th, 2009 at 22:53
Oh damnit.
DAMN IT!
At least you got some dick out of it?! No… ?
December 14th, 2009 at 07:08
Oh, honie…i can’t hurt for you and then feel the weight of my past bad decisions at the same time. I’m not strong enough in this moment, or awake enough, or in the right frame of mind. you are far more important…and i am with you.
i do know that my bad decisions have all been wonderful, albeit painful, teachers. so…my heart says they serve their own twisted ass purpose. I don’t think i’d choose to change them…as it would change everything else, too.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 14th, 2009 at 22:53
I love you. Just so you know.
December 14th, 2009 at 09:14
I can relate without a shadow of a doubt the feelings you have experienced. And you, as well as many others who have e-known me through my many profiles know that it is a cycle and a process of learning how to deal with it all and what works best.
The thing is, fuck all the people that will judge you for this or say ‘I told you so’ or whatever. People can’t know what it feels like until they have lived it.
I don’t think I have made any bad decisions lately, but then again sometimes it’s OK to not be perfect and to make a small bad decision, to slip up a little so that you don’t explode into a huge mistake. So if I look closely, I would say my decision to forgo working out and financial decisions sometimes aren’t the best, but I am learning what I still need to work on.
I don’t think I would change anything in the decisions I have made, because I learn from all of them.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 14th, 2009 at 22:54
I miss you. I get all giddy and shit when you appear.
December 14th, 2009 at 09:37
I need you within arms reach of me.
I hate that you are hurting and wish I could take it all away.
I make bad decisions a lot when my emotions are involved… There are a lot of things that seemed right and honest in that moment… but shamed me later when I was calm again. I’ve had to apologize to my bartender and other regulars at the bar more than once for making an ass of myself, and found out the hard way that it is illegal to sleep in your car with the air conditioner running – because your keys are in the ignition…
There’s no guarantee – if we erased the one decision – that it would be a better one. I think they are necessary to learn about ourselves. I don’t think we would realize the actual problem without them, and thus wouldn’t/couldn’t address it.
I think, rather than beating ourselves up over bad decisions, and stressing over the possibility of making another – is to spend time and energy on surrounding ourselves with people who will be there to catch and support us when we do make those bad decisions – so that we at least make them in the safest environment possible… if that makes sense…
Long story short… I love you and you should move here.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 14th, 2009 at 22:56
I need ME within arms reach of you. June is around the motherfucking corner. I cannot WAIT.
Long story short … I wanna and I love you more.
December 14th, 2009 at 20:16
As much as I’d like to take back some things, or people that I have allowed in my life, I wouldn’t. If you’ve ever seen that movie, The Butterfly Effect, it’s JUST like that. You change one thing and everything could be different. And honestly…I am HAPPY RIGHT NOW. I didn’t know HAPPY and LOVE before….but now I do. I’m satisfied with my position in life. Do I still wish some things were different? Like Dan’s sister wasn’t such a cuntfacedcrackwhorelittlebitch? Sure. But I’m still happy. And happy kinda overshadows it all.
LivingWicked Reply:
December 14th, 2009 at 22:57
Happy rules. It is the trump card of emotions.
December 15th, 2009 at 21:29
aww hon