For That, I am Grateful – 2
Dec 31, 2009 All Things X, Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, love
This is part 2 of 2 of my grateful things of 2009.
To repeat myself …
She is doing 26 Days of Gratefulness. Each day represents a letter filled with things that she is eternally grateful for. Of course more than half of these days made me cry like a fucking baby because that is what the hell I do when there is anything mush or moosh involved in it. But when she does it … it hits me even harder. (I will get to her later.)
N is for Nighttime. It is the only time I have to myself. I am grateful for me time. N is also for Noggin. Not the TV show … the oral sex kind.
O is for Orgasm. I am grateful for every orgasm I can give or get. O is also for Open letters. I look forward to every single Friday so that I can openly bitch out any one and everyone that pisses me the hell off.
P is for Penis. Yes. I am grateful for the infamous penis. I neeeed it in my life on a regular basis. It is also for Pumps. As in shoes. P is also for my Phone Sex Voice. Apparently … it is worth millions. P is especially for Prettiness. It is an essential in this house. Live Prettily and life is Perfect. 
Q is for Quarters. A pre-paycheck scrounge for Quarters is a regular event around here. Quarters get gas, cheeseburgers, wine … even cigs for those who smoke. Q is most importantly for *MY* Q. My Numbah 1. My Partner. One of my best friends. Ever. She owns Q. She *is* Q.
R is for Romance. It is essential. Romance is a part of me. It is also for Rough. Rough sex, that is. I like it Rough and Raw. R is also for Rally. I have needed the people in my life to Rally around me recently … and they really really have. R is also for Range Rover. I want one. K? R is most importantly for Readers. You all make my day better. Your thoughts. Your advice. Your viewpoints. If I didn’t have you … I may not be so into blogging.
S is for Sex. God damnit I am grateful for it. Sex. Seeeeeeexxxxxxxxxx. S is also for Soul Sister. Because I haz them and I am grateful for them. Beyond grateful. Carol. Cass. Anne. Chrissie. Chrissa. ‘Lullah. Mary. Q. Kanisha. Leslie. Rachael. You all make my life a better life. You make me a better person. Each of you are so important to me and my sanity. S is for Sanity. S is also for Sunshine. My Sunshine comes in the form of a Carol. Heh. I made a comment about her being Sunshine, even when she is being followed by a black cloud … and that she doesn’t even know it … which is the best part. My Sunshine makes me happy … when skies are grey. S is also for Squish. Squishy. SquishyAmandaFace. I love her mostly because of how raw and honest she is. But that is only Scratching the Surface. I am so grateful to be her friend.
T is for Tarable. And Tough. And Tolerance. And Teeny Tiny. And Team. All of these have to do with Tarable. She is my rock. My sister. My bestie. I don’t know what I would do without her. T is also for Text messages. They have saved me in tough spots and entertained me to no end.
U is for UPGRADES! I am grateful for this team more than I can describe into words. It was the best decision to take the risk to work in this department.
V is for Vagina. I hope mine knows how grateful I am for it.
W is for Women. Because I have so many inspirational and strong Women in my life. W is also for Wisdom. I have learned so much. I have grown so much. Wisdom within myself and from others has proven to be so beneficial.
X is for Xavier. He is my little big man. No matter how much he fucks up … I will always love him.
Y is for Yaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Or sleep. Either way Yawning leads to it. And I love sleep like nobodies business.
Z is for Zac. He is a new addition to my life and I am most grateful for him. I am pretty sure that I am not the only one who thinks this of him.
G’Head. List your N-Z’s of gratefulness.
If I don’t talk to you before hand, Happy New Year!
Tags: kids, sleep, soul sister, strong women, team, upgrades
For That, I am Grateful: 1
Dec 29, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love
After long and hard contemplation, I have decided to steal this kick ass blog idea from my souliest sister in the whole wide world. It is about to be a New Year … and I can’t think of a better way to end my year in blogging by talking about the things that make me grateful.
She is doing 26 Days of Gratefulness. Each day represents a letter filled with things that she is eternally grateful for. Of course more than half of these days made me cry like a fucking baby because that is what the hell I do when there is anything mush or moosh involved in it. But when she does it … it hits me even harder. (I will get to her later.)
Since I am late to the game, mine will be broken in 2. Wanna hear it hear it goes.
*deepoverlyemotionalbreath*
A is for Awesomeness. I am grateful that I have discovered and have embraced my own Awesomeness. For one, because it is Awesome to own your Awesomeness … but more importantly, it is Awesome to show others that they are in fact Awesome. And to help another Awesome human being to embrace their own Awesomeness … is … well … Awesome in it’s own right.
B is for Breath. Being able to stop to catch my own. It is also for Babysitters. The one that I stumbled upon in my time of need has been a fucking life saver. Even in her own time of crisis, she stood by me and made sure that no matter what I was able to focus on what I needed to do for my family to survive without worrying about my kids’ well being. She has become not only my Babysitter, but one of my Best friends. B is also for Book. Because in 2009, I published mine. I am so proud of my accomplishment. I started it. I finished it. It is quality. It is mine. My creation. If nothing else ever comes of it other than my Lulu self publishing endeavor … I will still see myself as a success. Would I love to be on the Bestseller’s list? Duh. B is for Blogging. I have no clue what I would do if I didn’t have my Blog space.
C is for Courtni. Yep. I am grateful for me. This year has been a roller coaster, but I have been able to do a lot of good for myself and my family. I lost 30 pounds. I started a kick ass SUCCESSFUL blog site with the help of my Numbah 1. I took a risk by starting this job … but am already seeing the potential successes. Courtni is a stronger woman than she has ever been. She loves herself for the first time ever 100%. Flaws, strengths… all of it. So then really, C is also for Confidence.
D is for D. His absence right now sucks, but it doesn’t change the fact that I love him so much that it hurts. He is an amazing dad. He takes care of me, puts up with me, listens to my endless fucking ranting and loves me unconditionally. Flaws and all. When I cry he knows when and when not to leave me alone. When I just feel like being a bitch … he lets me. (Even if that means ignoring me completely) When I need to be held or loved or smacked around a little (I am kidding) or even told about myself, he just knows. D is my polar opposite. I yell, he just talks. I over analyze, he thinks things through. I freak out, he rationalizes. When we make love it is Dynamic. When we fuck … it is Dirty. He knows which one is the right one. As much as I am his rock, he is mine. Which would make sense as to why we have been together a Decade.
E is for Elasticity. I have gained this quality in the past 48 days. When a bitch gets knocked down, there is no other option other than to bounce back. It is for Energy (the positive kind.) I have had (for the most part) an abundance of it around me over the past 2 months. My new found family especially. E is also for Ears. Without them, I would have had no one to listen to me yell. And I have done my fair fucking share of yelling.
F is for Friendship. I have gone from no Friends to many Friends. True, ride or die fucking Friends. Friends who will give their last slice of bread to my Family if we were hungry. Or at least split it in half. Coming from a childhood where I moved every single year from 4th grade to 9th grade … I didn’t really have many Friends that I knew were real. The ones who I have managed to hold on to for dear life, I am grateful for each of you. Lisa, Jennifer, Stephanie, Rachael, Tweed, Kim1&2, Lirra … even though we don’t always talk or kick it, I am beyond grateful that I have a piece of my past with you. I don’t know if I have ever told any of you how important it is to me that we have managed to keep in touch over the many many years. Friendship is the most important thing to me besides my Family. To me, they go hand in hand. If you are my true Friend … you are my Family. Plain and simple. Food is a big F for me. I heart me some food. All kinds. F is also for Fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason.
G is for Goals. I have set lofty ones for 2010. I am going to achieve all of them. Come hell or high water.
H is for Home. It is for Health. It is for Happiness. H is for Honor. It is for Heart. I am grateful that I have been blessed with life lessons to know and understand what each and every one of these mean and own each of them. I will be working on the Health and the Happiness more this next year … but I am almost there. Closer than I have ever been. That feels awesome.
I is for Insecurities. Yes. I am grateful for my Insecurities because that means that I am human. I is also for Internet. If there was no Internet, I would never have met my soul sisters. I would never have been able to purge my soul for all of you. I is also for Ice cream. Because sometimes, every single problem can be solved with a big fat bowl of Ice cream.
J is for Job. Why? Because for the first time in years I have a Job that I absolutely love. Who has a Job that they have a fucking blast at 97% of the time? I am grateful for my Job and (almost) everyone that I work with there.
K is for Karma. I believe in it. You fuck me, Karma is going to fuck you harder. K is for kids. MY KIDS. Bad, good … bratty, not bratty. I love them. They are the reason I endure all of the chaos. I cannot describe in a blog the depth of love that I have for my kids. My heart swells on a daily basis as I watch them grow and learn and experience … and become these amazing little creatures. My creatures. My creations. I don’t know where I would be without either of them in my life. Also, K is for Kisses. Not the chocolate kind. The sensual, lovey, frenchy kind. Ask me the last time I have been Kissed. G’head. I remember thinking shortly before D left that it felt like we didn’t Kiss enough. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. Kisses. Gimme em.
L is for Love. Long Lasting Love. I Love Love. The idea of someone falling in Love with another person gets me all warm and tingly. To put it simply, I am in Love with Love. L is for Letters. I have received letters in the mail recently due to circumstances and they have kept me sane. I also think that L is for Longevity. Longevity in relationships, health, career … and Life. Because, L is also for Life. I am grateful for the Life I have been blessed with.
M is for Many Many Things. Music. Masturbation. Mommy’s. Motivation. Mayer. Martini. Marilyn Monroe. The most important thing? Music. Music saves me. If I need to be happy? Music. If I need a good cry? Music. If I need some panty dropping? Muuuuuuuusic. I need it in my life daily. Portishead. Natalie Merchant. Snoop. John Mayer. Poison. Alicia Keys. Elton John. Journey. Outkast. Sade. Aaliyah. John Legend. It all affects me the same but for different reasons.
List your A-M’s of gratefulness today. Take some time and remember what good we have been blessed with.
Tags: alicia keys, elton john, john legend, john mayer, journey, love, natalie merchant, outkast, poison, portishead, sade, snoop, www.squishisms.com
Honest Tuesday’s: I am Addicted to…
Dec 29, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Honest Tuesday's, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Ranteriffic, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, love
Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place to be honest about all of the shit you cannot be honest about.
… Shopping.
Like, budget my life so that I can squeeze a couple new t-shirts or boots or makeup purchases or even unmentionables. Even if I dont really neeeeeeeeeed it. Walking into Nordstrom’s … and smelling the “New Everything” scent. I don’t want a new car scent tree for my truck, I just want a Nordstrom scent tree in my truck. In MAC eyeshadow colors.
Speaking of MAC …
… Makeup. Thank you Tarable, for enabling my addiction to these pretty round black container treasures. “Naked Lunch”? I mean, who wouldn’t want to wear that on their face?! I love how the lip gloss smells like doughnuts. I love playing with the new colors and seeing what they look like on my face. I love how every color and brand is different. Like when walking into Sephora … and you walk through the Urban Decay section. It is so different from MAC; new and fresh and pretty. And when you put it on your face it looks so pretty. IT IS PRETTY.
… Cheeseburgers. I fucking love a good cheeseburger. Love. Especially when starting a second round of South Beach Phase 1 to look not like rolly pollys after the holiday’s. I want a god damned cheeseburger so bad. That I can literally taste the ketchup, pickle and mustard in my mouth as we speak. I may or may not be salivating a little bit while typing this. (pee ess: Dear McDonalds, fuck you for .99 cheeseburgers.)
… (this is alllll Tarable) Cigarettes. I love to smoke. I do. I love it. I fuuuuuuuuucking love it. I know it is bad for me. I know I need to stop doing it. But I love to smoke them. Especially when I am stressed out. Or drunk. And on the way to work. Cig in one hand, coffee in the other.
Speaking of Coffee:
… Coffee. I absolutely MUST have coffee. M U S T H A V E I T I N M Y M O U T H. People who dont know me dont understand that if I dont have it, I may very well kill them Dexter styles and bury them in my backyard if they are all in my face prior to coffee consumption. I am not the one anyway, but without my latte I am DEFINITELY LESS THE ONE THAN WITH IT.
Pass THAT the fuck on.
… Shoes. Ohhhhhhh sweet baby Jesus of shoes. I love the smell of new shoes in the box. I love the tissue paper surrounding the shoes in the box and how it isnt even wrinkled. I love when you buy a new pair of shoes at Nordstroms and you ruin them the first time wearing them … that they will replace them. No questions asked. I love the way new expensive shoes feel on my feet. Not to rag on bargain buy’s … but the feeling of spendy shoes vs. notsomuch is the difference in feeling between Tiffany’s and Claires.
… Sex. I am like a man. I have sex on the brain 24 hours a day 7 days a week. My brain is like 7-11 in comparison when it comes to the topic of fucking and sucking. If I didn’t have to do anything else … like work … I would have sex all the time. My vagina would be a 24 hour establishment. However, this constant penetration can only be with that one person. Not some random piece of strange that I met at the bar who is now a vajay stalker. (Hypothetically or Tarable-cally speaking of course.) I like to talk about it. Do it. Think about it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. I cant help that it is on the brain all the time. I JUST WANT IT.
… My Phone. Yep. Facebook. Pandora. Text. Email. Scrabble. Weird facts. Calendar. Facebook. Pandora. Text. Text. Text. Text. Text. Facebook. Facebook. Facebook.
… Tarable. And she is addicted to me. We have come to the conclusion that we were separated at birth. We both have no clue what we would do without each other. What I do know is that we need to talk to each other at least once a day. Weird I know but whatever.
… Wine. Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Wine is the 3rd wheel in our bestfriendcapades. Box or bottle, gimme some in mah mouth. K?
*phew*
What are YOU addicted to?
What have you not been honest about this week?!
Tags: cheeseburger, Honest Tuesday's, mac makeup, mcdonalds, nordstrom, wine
Post Holiday Open Letters.
Dec 27, 2009 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friday Eye Candy, You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch
Happy MondayafterChristmas!
I apologize for no Friday Eye Candy … or a venting place for the weekly purges … but it was in fact Christmas … and I figured it would be better to host your weekly venting place after the holidays and the after holiday sale madness.
Good decision?
Commence the open letters:
Tara is chomping at the bit to put some open letters out there into the privacy of her own internet space:
Dear Where Do You Want to Start,
I am fucking over it. I am tired of my busy ass life. I just want to relax with my hot boyfriends dick in my mouth. K!? (Yeah she went there)
I do not want to deal with anymore:
1) Holiday fucking drivers.
2) Excuse: It’s Christmas Time.
3) Ghey ass, unreliable, (don’t make sense) Holiday Hours
4) Even though I love and absolutely adore holiday parties, I am over them. I am sick of every single weekend being booked and having to stress about what to wear, did I already wear that to a holiday party where there were pictures … etc. Not only that, but I am fucking sick of impressing people and hanging out with people that I don’t like. And, I would rather have my hot boyfriends dick in my mouth. Also, get the holiday food out of my face. Because none of it is friendly to my ass size. K?! (cosigning on #4)
5) Done.
Love, Tarable
—————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Muffin Top,
You hurt my feelings. You are not cute. You make me feel like all of the bitches I make fun of, and not be excited about fitting into my new size 11 jeans. I haven’t been a size 11 since I was born. Even if I bought a bigger size, it would be just as bad because you would move to my ass and make it look like I pooped my pants and that is not fair.
Get out of here you muffiny fuckin bitch.
Tarable
—————————————————————————————————————
Dear You,
I am over it. I am over it for my friend who is also over it. She wants to put it in her mouth but you are being a baby. So why don’t you take your crying tears and your kleenex box and cry about it via text.
Just saying.
Tarable.
——————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Keanu Reeves,
Can I just fucking touch it? I have been waiting. WAITING. I have wanted to touch it since I was 7. Just let me touch it. Sorry hot boyfriend.
——————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Tara,
Really? A snorer? Of allll the non sexy things you could ever do? Snore? Now you have to wear Breathe Right Strips for your hot boyfriend whos dick you want to put in your mouth to let you sleep over. Grow up its not that bad.
Tarable
—————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Wine,
Thank you. (No seriously)
Love, Tarable
—————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Family,
Thank you for not being crazy, psychotic, dysfunctional fuck faces this Christmas. It was proof that we can always get along.
Love Tara
—————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Donovan,
Fuck you. (Oh!) I hate you right now. I am gonna write you a letter because I love you but I kinda hate you right now. When you come home you better walk in the door, smile and make it all better (Word) annnnnnnnnnnnnd you better not do this bullshit EVER AGAIN or I will personally do something violent and that will not make you smile to you. You are the one that made the analogy of 5 fingers and then cut your own finger the hell off. On both hands. (Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaayum) Dont ever do it again. K? Gah. We need you here and if you dont see that … I don’t know what to tell you.
I miss you.
Love Me
————————————————————————————————————
And now for mine.
Dear Tarable,
You need to knock it off. You know what “it” is. You don’t always get your way when you want it. If you did, this one would be less interesting.
Don’t make me tell you again.
———————————————————————————————————————
Dear You,
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
And also.
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Oh. By the way.
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
———————————————————————————————————————-
Dear Carbohydrates,
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. I would like to enjoy a slice or 9 of bread without gaining 23537y457754742w3 pounds while doing it.
I LIKE YOU BUT I CANT HAVE YOU AND IT ISNT FAIR AND IT HURTS MY FEELINGS.
BLahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhIwantsomechipsahoy.andacheeseburger.andsomepadthai.andsomemacaroniandcheese.andpizza.andstuffing.withgravy.andmashedpotatoes.andbreadandbutter.andpastaexceptforolivegarden.andredlobstercheddargarlicbiscuits.clamchowderinabreadbowl.chocolate.chipsandqueso.girlscoutcookies.alsosourpatchkids.andsoda.andstickyricewithpenutsauceonitandsomesrirachatoo.anythingfried.andagrilledcheesesandwichwithamericancheesepandaexpress.
The end. Love TarablyWicked
—————————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Vagina,
It is almost over. You have gone the long haul and I am sure the big black cardboard check at the finish line will pay the winner (you) really REALLY WELL. Not to mention, you are (not that you werent already) gonna be really tiny. Like as if you had vagina bypass surgery or something. Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenytinyvagina.
I am proud of your sticktoitiveness.
Wicked
——————————————————————————————————————————-
Dear Boyfriend, (From Girlfriend)
It has been several days since we have fucked. I would like for you to meet me in that one place you suggested the other day so you can bend me over and let me have it.
——————————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Xavier,
Knock it the fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are such a little argumentative fucker right now and I dont fucking get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUTUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love Tara and Mom!
———————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Washington Strip Clubs,
Why can’t you show me a pretty vagine? Why are the bitches here skanky, disease infested messes? Can I just come on a Friday night and get an alcoholic beverage while staring at pretty vajay dance all in my business because you do not provide that here.
I am just sayin.
—————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Hair,
Pick one.
Tarable
—————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Readers,
Thanks for Reading. Good Night.
TarablyWicked
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And for some Eye Candy: Jamie Dornan
Tags: boyfriend, girlfriend, holiday, open letter, Sex
Weekend Poetry: vul.ner.abil.ity
Dec 27, 2009 Creative Writing/Poetry
vul.ner.abil.ity
defined by a simple
glance in your general
vicinity
as you catch me
red handed and
crimson cheeked
with silent humility;
except that you too
were caught
glancing at me
in our proximity
in flagrante delicto and
flush faced
a dead giveaway
of your defined
vul.ner.abil.ity
4 Minus 1
Dec 25, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, Family, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Parenting, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms
Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! (Who you callin’ a HO!?)
As you all know, I am not all “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOITSCHRISTMASSSSSSSSSS!” this year. But, with the me being told about myself and all … I have done my part to fake it until I make it. Annnnnnnnnnd I made it to the finish line. Yay me! Today is the big day that everyone and their dysfunctional mother is talking about.
Christmas. No wait … still faking it … Christmas! (Better?!)
My crooked tree is shining with pretty lights and ornaments. There are presents under it all wrapped and shit. Family and friends (even some unexpected ones) are making my family of 4 minus 1 feel super duper special today. It feels really good to know that there are folks in your corner that genuinely give a shit. Genuine shit givers are few and far between as of late. It seems that when you are beyond struggling … all of those with the best fucking mouthpieces talking about how they will have your back if you ever need anything ever … are the ones that are the most full of shit … and they disappear without a trace …
You know what? FUCK those guys. If you are one of them who told me you would be there for my family and I haven’t heard shit from you … not even just to check in and see how things are going?! Don’t call me. Ever. Delete me from your life if I haven’t already deleted your selfish asses.
(I feel better.)
This holiday season has taught me a few really key things about life. Some things I already knew but needed a refresher on … either way the lesson was re-etched in my brain.
1) True friends don’t need to tell you that they will be there for you. They just are.
2) God only gives you what he knows you can handle. He never sets out to break you. You break yourself.
3) A true testament of strength is when you start at the bottom of the barrel and the next thing you know you find yourself standing on the outside of it, staring down into where you once were … wondering how in the fuck you just got out.
4) No one likes a braggart. There is a time and a place for being a big mouth. True adults know when to keep their fucking mouths shut.
5) Unconditional is unconditional. Either you love someone for all that they are or you don’t. The lesson is that in order to truly love a person, you absolutely have to accept everything about them that you cannot change. Or, stay true to a shallow, loveless relationship where you are constantly trying to mold them into something they can or never will be able to be.
Ya digg?
I miss my D today. As I sit here in a silent house, I am reminded of all of the little traditions he and I have made over the last 9 Christmases that we have spent together. Maybe that is why Idontwantit this year. Because there is a piece of the puzzle missing. We always wrap the Santa presents with different paper than all of the others after the kids crash out. There is a note from Santa, thanking them for the cookies. D eats the cookies because he is a muncher … and that is his favorite part. He always rocks a Santa Hat. All day.
Sometimes I made him keep it on … for … you know. Heh. Okay all of the time but whatever.
D makes me listen to fucking Christmas music.
He cooks. All day. And then he sleeps. Ha!
The reality is that he isn’t here and so my plan is to not sleep through the day like I really want to but was (again) told about myself that it is not okay to do that on Christmas! so I will instead do as best as I can to make sure that as many of these little traditions as possible are felt by my kids. If that means that I have a private moment where I completely freak out … then so be it. The most important part is that my kids will smile and laugh and hopefully … even for just a moment … forget that we as a family of 4 minus 1 are going through one of the hardest times in all of our lives.
If I can pull that off … than I really AM Wonder Woman.
Cheers to the Holiday’s … and if I haven’t mentioned it before … thank you all so much for any and all support that you have given over this time in my life. All of it has gotten me through … and kept me smiling. Know that.
Merry Christmas.
Tags: christmas, Family, Parenting, spirit, wonder woman
Because I Feel Like Going the Fuck Off.
Dec 23, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Masturbate-able, Random, Ranteriffic, bitch
Nobody likes a muffin top. Sooooooooo If your pants don’t fit you … then don’t wear them. And don’t play that “I have no money for new pants” bullshit either. I will help you scrounge $2 and take you to Goodwill to get you a gently used pair of pants in your size. Whatever that size may be god damnit.
I hate restaurants that don’t have the basic skills needed to make me want to come back. Like greeting. It is polite to say “hello” to someone when they walk into your establishment. It is polite to ask if they would like something to drink while waiting for their to-go order. Just because I am not dining in doesn’t make me less of a patron. A bitch is parched. Bring me some agua. Plsnthx.
What is it with starers? Yeah people that stare. Take a picture bitch. There is this broad at my work that (I cannot stand, surprise) fucking stares at me. Stares. With a dumb ass look on her face. So I am torn on whether or not I should say the following:
“Bitch stop staring.”
“Take a picture, it lasts longer, hater.”
“Can I help you with your face?”
“WHAT?!?!”
So instead of possibly getting fired for being a cunt, I just smile at her and remember that not everyone is as awesome as me. Or Tarable, but this isn’t her blog. HAH. The thing is, that it is EVERY DAY. I am genuinely interested in what the fuck she is looking at.
I love “I told you so”s. LOVE THEM. Except when I am not the one saying it.
Side crunches only hurt the next day.
My trainer is less and less hot every time I go to the gym. He is also a prick. The last time I was there, he had dyed his hair all weird and still drove that fucking Jetta. What a douche. I think he may have a smaller penis than I originally speculated. Maybe I will just grab him in passing and see for myself. … …. ….
*stops to ponder whether he would file a sexual harassment suit on me.*
I miss my friend. No, not that one. The one that is actually my friend. The one who doesn’t call me anymore because I don’t ever answer my phone.
Why do people insist on making others listen to Christmas Music? HELLO!? Get some ear buds bitch. I am not interested in Roasting Chestnuts on an Open Fire. Nor do I give a rats ass if Mommy is Kissing motherfucking Santa Claus. THIS MOMMY ISN’T SO FUCKING WHO CARES?!
Furthemore, I am not in the CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. SOooooooooooooooooo don’t try and holidayguilt me into shit. K?
You know what? I am sick of people stalking me outside of places asking for change. What? Because I dress decent and have a Coach bag … that means I am able to just open my wallet and give you money?! NO. NOOOO. How about exert the same motherfucking effort into filling out a god damned McDonalds application!?
And do NOT wait for me to get out of the store with bags to see if I have some change NOW. Like really?@?!?!? BLAH.
For Christmas, I am buying myself a new Vibrator. And a new pair of jeans. THAT FIT ME.
Lastly, I have a growing list of people whom I want to beat their faces in. Innnnnnnnnn. Be glad that most of you aren’t on it.
Feel free to go the fuck off too.
We are standing under the mistletoe, do you kiss me?
Eggnog or no Eggnog?
What is the worst Secret Santa gift you have ever gotten?
Honest Tuesday’s: Hi Hater!
Dec 22, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Honest Tuesday's, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic
Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place to come and be honest about everything you aren’t being honest about … even if I am the only one who knows it.
For today, I will admit that I am a big fat fucking hater.
If you are in love, I hate you.
If you are having regular sex and you like it, I hate you more.
I am pretty sure if I see you on the street all glow-ey like, holding hands with your oneandonlysomeone … I hate you.
I hate you if you are named Ken Adams.
If you don’t go home and drink wine alone …. instead you go home and have someone there to talk to OTHER THAN A CHILD, I hate your face.
If you masturbate because you WANT to and not because you HAVE to … biiiiiiiiiitch I hate you the mostest.
I hate you if you have a unlimited amount of money and you just sit on it all frugal like, and you dont give it to me to buy plane tickets for my friends who I miss the most to fly here and fucking kick it.
I hate you if you have a penis and aren’t sharing it with me.
If you have someone to kiss on NYE, I hate you too.
I hate you if you are all Christmas spirit-y.
I hate you if you are one of the 3 people that I hate at work.
I hate you if you are a generally negative person.
I also hate you if you are a feelings hurter.
If you cannot keep my name out of your mouth, I fucking HATE you.
I hate you if you are stupid.
I hate you if you shoot cops.
And if you are a cop killer affiliate. (i.e.. getaway driver, shelter provider, etc)
I hate you if you are my vagina because you are throbbing like no ones business and it is DISTRACTING.
Lastly, I hate you if you are all “aaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwiamsosorryblahblahblahwhateveryouneediwillbetherforyou” and don’t come through.
K?
What haven’t you been honest about this week?
Tags: friends, HI HATER, ken adams, masturbation, Sex
The Many Reasons Why.
Dec 20, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, love, pillow talk
We are coming down to no time left of D’s extended vacation.
As we approach his return, I have started thinking about all of the reasons why I am so excited for him to come home.
Reason #1: Rhymes with Mex (ican).
Many people have made the comment to me about how the number of days I have gone without or the total number of days that I will have gone without is a drop in the bucket compared to theirs or whatever. Let me break something down for you. I am not living in a sexless, intimacy-less marriage. We (besides our moments of dysfunction…) genuinely love each other. Whether we are in a slump or not … he makes up for it with a good grudge fuck. So to not have it … especially not having it because I have been told that I CANT have it … makes me angry.
You better believe that someone is getting some immediately. Stat. On site.
Reason #2: He is more patient than I am. About everything. (Bitches I know you are surprised about that.)
So for a good couple of weeks, I am not going to be participating in anything kid related. You wanna tattle? Go to dad. You want some more motherfucking juice in your cup? Dad will get it. Period. Idontwantit. I am not participating in anything antagonized argument between these 2 little brat faces.
K?
Reason #3: I am lonely. (sadface)
My evenings usually consist of he and I in some sort of conversation. I don’t know about you all who are in relationships, but I actually enjoy spending time with my husband. We laugh our asses off. (Hello have you not read any of the Pillow Talk blogs?!)
Exactly. If anything, him being gone is a disservice to you as my loyal readers. Who looks forward to the next installment of our conversations?!
(me too. D is hilar)
Reason #5: I am tired of cleaning this fucking house.
I swear to Baby Jesus himself that I walk in circles around here picking shit up. Blocks. Socks. Paper. Crayons. Dishes. Fucking sucker sticks. (Thanks Ms.Moon) I get all excited that my house is FINALLY clean and then BLADAAAAAAW! More motherfucking blocks. More motherfucking SOCKS. More motherfucking dishes. Gah. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
It wouldn’t be so bad if that is ALL I FUCKING DID. But it isn’t. So, I think I dont want to anymore. K?
Reason #6: I don’t have time to cook.
So therefore I don’t eat as healthy as I would like to. This means I have gained some weight back. Not a lot, but still. I can tell a difference and I don’t like it. D cooked his awesome ass off, making sure that there was always something that I wanted to eat that I could eat with South Beach. Being that I am on the go all god damn day … I rarely have time to really think that far in advance. Ya dig?
Reason #7: Someone needs to have “The Talk” with Xavier.
Being as I don’t have a penis … (at least not one that is permanently attached to my body) … I dont think that I should be the one to do it. Just like I wouldn’t expect him to talk to Charli about female issues …
Bottom line: D needs to get some birds and bees business out in the air with Xavier. Pronto styles.
Reason 7.1: Charli misses the shit out of her dad.
Reason #8: I want to sleep.
Reason #9: Did I mention the SEX!?
Fucking aye.
I plan on:
picking a fight with his ass so we can have make up sex
lighting some candles so we can have that sweaty making love soap opera sex
putting on my candy apple red JSimpson FMP’s with some school girl stockings so we can have some inappropriate role play sex
wearing one of my fedora’s and an over sized white button up with my new HOT BOOTS so we can have some smooth criminal sex.
leaving for the weekend so we can have some all over the condo butt naked push the shit off the counter give it to me sideways sex.
a great deal of putitinmymouth oral sex.
And that is just the first few days. K? K.
Annnnnnnnnnnd Reason #10: I am spoiled.
I never saw it before. I am so god damn spoiled that it is stupid. I work my ass off every day and he takes care of everything the hell else.
I can honestly say that I am lost without him. So, a bitch is starting to count down. Get ready. It is about to get ugly.
Have a happy MondayBeforeChristmas!
Are you done shopping?
Have you been naughty or nice?
What have you asked Santa for this year?
Tags: birds and bees, Family, jail, marriage, Sex
Weekend Poetry: Love, Always
Dec 19, 2009 Creative Writing/Poetry, Masturbate-able, Sex, love
the pungent taste on your lips
creates a fire between my hips
in my panties your finger slips
creating butterflies; my stomach flips
with each tender touch my nectar drips
whether in silence or clever quips
our love replays in my mind like movie clips
i love you always, not in fragmented snips.
