YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Nov 13, 2009 All Things Charli, DUH, Friday Eye Candy, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Ranteriffic, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail
TGIMotherFuckingF.
Furthermore, let us get on with the Open Letter forum. This is not new information. Purge your week’s frustrations out here so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends. K? K.
Dear Toribear:
Here is your Eye Candy:
I love you.
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Dear Dumb Bitch,
Yeah. My shoes are so cute. I saw you staring at them today. No you cannot touch them. Also, the funny thing is, THEY ALL LOVE ME AND HATE YOU. K? K.
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Dear D.
I really really really really really really love you. Thank you for the 7 orgasms in a row last night. I REALLY needed that.
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Dear You,
I am over it. I don’t even want to see it anymore. I however DO still adore you. I just have no desire to hump your face off anymore.
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Dear Charli,
I don’t really know where you found my dong … but thank you for returning it unscathed. FYI that is NOT a toy meant for children or tweens or teenagers under the age of 18.
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Dear Stupid Ex,
How dare you make me feel guilty for paying a bill that you accrued while living in MY condo and then leaving me with when you abruptly decided to move out because you “couldnt handle it” anymore. Go snort some more drugs up your nose and go live in your dilusional life that you live in where we actually have the chance of ever getting back together.
Dont show up at my house with flowers thinking that you might have some edge on seeing/touching/smelling/tasting/penetrating my vagina because you lost that chance a hot motherfucking minute ago.
I would rather never fuck again than fuck your balding younger than me fat drug addicted ass. K? K.
I AM NOT THE ONE, Tarable.
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Dear Panty-Swinger,
Thank you for not being at work all week. Your face makes me want to throw up in my mouth, swallow it and then re-throw up again.
I hate you, Tarable.
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Dear Always Get Me Involved in Drama That I Don’t WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN,
Quit involving me. K? I AM NOT THE ONE.
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Dear Married Dudes that Remember Me From Back in the Day,
Quit telling me that I am the one that got away. Even more quit telling me that you always have been and always will be in love with me. I understand that my vagina is like a slot machine when hitting the jackpot but you need to stick with the hairy, fat, nagging, slot machine you motherfucking married.
I am tired of being the green grass on the other side, go mow your own motherfucking lawn you infidelious (yeah I made up my own word there) sons of bitches.
Love and Thank You, Lisa
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Dear Starbucks Appointment,
We know what you are thinking about while pushing one out tonight. Yes we have, yes we would and if you ask nicely … yes you can.
Love, Tarably Wicked
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Dear “Friends”,
You are insecure, nosy, jealous and downright selfish people. It would be nice if you took your gossipy, 2-faced selves and learned some facts about me before shoving yourselves up your own asses. The truth is, most of you know nothing about me or my situation and even if you did, none of you have the right to judge me. If you have questions, man up and ask. I love to hate you.
Anonymous
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Dear Vagina,
I am really sorry that you also were sentenced to 90 days in jail. I know that realistically, you are simply guilty by association. Please assist me in not attempting to escape prison in a big fat whorey way. I don’t care how much Tarable vagina tries to influence this escape route. IT IS NOT A GOOD DECISION.
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And now for some Eye Candy.
I am going to start making sure that I have a boy eye candy AND a girl eye candy too. 
You are welcome.
Terrance Howard
Rhianna
Do you talk to yourself?
If you could go back or forward in time,where would you go?
Name one thing you never worry about running out of?
Tags: chris andersen, Friday Eye Candy, rhianna, terrance howard, YGWM
November 13th, 2009 at 00:24
Dear dude who knocked me up,
you cant just sign it away because you knocked up another chick before me and cant deal with three kids.. its part yours. deal with your responsibilities….
sorry.. had to do the letter rant like u did..
i talk to myself alot actually..lol….
id go back to 5 years ago, and not date half the men i have….
one thing i worry about running out of? patience for stupid people.
November 13th, 2009 at 00:32
1. does having conversations in my head count??
2. back,about 10 years ago.
3. compassion.
November 13th, 2009 at 01:54
1. I talk to myself all the time, one of the dangers of living on my own for years…
2. I don’t really know.. sometimes I think I would love to be able to go back to be able to spend more time with the people I have loved and lost. Other times I think I would love a true glimpse of the future.
3. Love
November 13th, 2009 at 05:10
I talk to myself all the time.
I’d go hang out with myself when I was a teenager and tell him all kinds of stuff. Not about life. I had that figured out. About myself.
I’m never going to run out of love. Its what everyone said, but it’s so true.
November 13th, 2009 at 05:23
Dear Vagina,
Please realize that when Gunny said it would be cool of we were a cougar and jokes by calling us a cougar, we cannot play the cougar game in the upcoming year while he is gone. I am aware that when I told him I was not the cougar because I was married and he said “you can hunt, just don’t catch,” that his definition may have been completely different and since I did not ask him to translate… I will be channeling your whining and neediness into time at the gym with my ipod, because, yeah hi, it’s time we started being realistic about the whole fitness situation.
We just won’t be having sex. WE’ve done it before, celibacy is nothing new here. I realize that it’s not fair
-Bama
November 13th, 2009 at 05:26
Yes.
I’d go forward, then come back and play the lotto.
I never run out of excuses. This is not okay. I will definitely be back for letters later. Fuckwits abound.
Squish Reply:
November 13th, 2009 at 11:54
Dudes 1 AND 2 who brought me cupcakes today:
Um. Wow. Dude #1, I get it. I have mentioned lately that I want cupcakes. German Chocolate ones with Cocunut icing to be specific. And I WAS specific. I wanted those cupcakes SPECIFICALLY.
I understand I told you life pretty much sucks right now and wouldn’t give you details. I understand that hurts your tender little girl feelers, and you want me to spill my metaphorical guts to you – But. It. Is. Never. Gonna. Happen.
Also – I am trying to change my eating habits. This, naturally, limits the amount of cupcake a girl can eat. But you, again, didn’t bother to ask me if I WANTED generic dried out cupcakeS from the grocery store bakery up the street – so now I am stuck with them. SIX of them.
I have SEVEN MONTHS til my wedding. At which I plan to wear a bikini. This is common knowledge. Put two and two together and see what it equals. I garauntee you it ain’t fucking cupcakeS.
Dude #2 – I understand you are appreciative of my assistance today. Really. I understand that you and I have discussed my love for all thing dark, chocolate, and cake-y, but again – ASK A GIRL BEFORE JUST BUYING HER RANDOM DESSERTS!
</3
FattyFatFat
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Also, Dude #1?
Fuck you. I am not your shoulder to cry on. I do not care that you fucked up your financial future. I care that you wasted almost two hours of PAID TIME to do it. And and extra 45 minutes whining to me about it. So you didn't finish your work. So I had to. AND I HAVE MY OWN SHIT GOING ON. My own financial stresses…like, oh, I dunno – planning a wedding on ONE paycheck. Fuck off.
Your Bitchy, Spite-filled Coworker.
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Dear "Customers" everywhere
YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE CUNT. Take a second, replace a bit of that entitlement with an ounce of compassion and understanding and maybe, just maybe the economy will start functioning again. Pay for what you want. Do not expect a discount when things fuck up. They didn't give you onions on purpose. They didn't miss your export maliciously. Fuck ups happen. They aren't on purpose. Be gracious. Stop whining. We are all just people trying to pay our bills. THAT is all that matters. The people who get paid to provide you with a service could also be YOUR customer.
For example, there are very specific car companies I will never buy from – just because they are whiney, bitchy, entitled douchebags. Oh, and bet your ass noone I know will – either. Shit stinks for a lot longer than the amount of time it takes to say "I understand, no worries."
Thanks,
AnotherCustomer
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Dear Wicked,
I love you and will stop blogging on your blog now.
RAWR!
I Reply:
November 13th, 2009 at 12:58
Dear Squishiepoo, I’m pretty sure your ass will look sexy has hell no matter how many cupcakes you force into your bikini bottom. A little voice in my head says “I’d hit it”. I also think you might have been offended had someone brought you ‘lowfat’ or ‘diet’ cupcakes. There’s just no winning. Love you.
November 13th, 2009 at 05:30
First, I would like to say that I approve of this weeks eye candy…Mr. Howard up there has very sexy eyes…
Do you talk to yourself? yes, sometimes, not very often though
If you could go back or forward in time,where would you go? I would go back, to my early college days and try to be a bit more outgoing, and try out for the basketball team
Name one thing you never worry about running out of? friends…not ever
now for my letters:
Dear sunshine:
thank you so much for gracing my little part of the world again, I get pissy when you aren’t showing your face.
Dear weather:
COULD YOU BE ANY BETTER?? well yes, you could be a BIT warmer, but I will not complain. MUAH, I love you…..today.
Dear people:
I MAY not be the one either, contrary to my statement earlier that I AM the one, you dancing on that last unfrazzled nerve,MIGHT just result in someone getting hurt.
Dear nosey co-worker:
Yes, we are sleeping together…*rolls eyes*
Dear asshat drivers:
GET YOUR MUTHAFUCKIN HEADS OUT YOUR MUTHAFUCKIN ASSES AND DRIVE, DAMN YOU!!!
Dear friends:
MISS YOU!
Dear work friends:
Damn, my day would SUCK if not for you!
Dear PAMMIE SUE:
TWO MORE WEEKS!!!!!
Dear life:
I kinda/sorta enjoying you right now, can we just let things be for awhile before my fucking up again? Thanks!
LOVE,
Cassie
lol
November 13th, 2009 at 05:31
I talk to myself alllll the time.
I would go back about two years and fix some stupid mistakes.
Hope.
November 13th, 2009 at 06:38
Dear Coffee,
You lied.
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Dear Courtni,
Hugs and love and wishes that your caffiene fix works a hell of a lot better than mine.
************
Dear Favorite Paper Flower Company,
Thank you for continuing to be clever with the petals. Keep it coming because it seems to be working better than chocolate this month.
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Dear Keith,
Here’s hoping I’m not a heinous bitch for no legitimate reason today. On the upshot, I don’t consider cramps a legitimate reason!
November 13th, 2009 at 06:57
I’m having some deja vu here. Didn’t you ask earlier this week if we talk to ourselves? Yes, I do.
I wouldn’t, either way.
Compassion.
Since writing letters to our vaginas seems to be popular today, I’ll jump in:
Dear April’s vagina:
I’m really sorry but no you can’t have him. Because I’m still too damn fragile to deal with the fallout that you always cause. When you and I are attracted to the same person, we’ll talk. Until then, deal with it bitch.
Love, April’s heart
November 13th, 2009 at 08:13
Dear Daughter,
I love you more than words. So does than man I married. So does SO many people you don’t even know. Every one of us is gambling on you, and hanging on to hope that the cards ARE stacked in your favor. One day you may realize what this week has cost Him.. it has taken every ounce of his strength and every shred of strength and courage sent to us for Him to stand by you in the face of instincts screaming otherwise. I beg of you to take this seriously. It would break us all.. and you the most, I fear, if you don’t.
Loving you means providing for your needs… even when they don’t match anyone’s wants.
Mom.
Dear Hubs,
My heart is bursting for you this week. I cannot even imagine how much more difficult this is on you. I see the anguish and struggle on your face in fleeting moments. Yet you stand strong.. for me.. and her.. I thought I knew how much I loved you. I was wrong. I love you more.
Dear Hobbit,
I hope we’re all wrong and you are just being rambunctious spontaneous outrageous boy instead of showing symptoms you have same thing… I love your random quirkiness.
dear Oldest.
Thank you for standing up and being the help we needed you to be this week. You may never know how much that helped..
Dear friends.
I may never call, may rarely txt or IM, but I feel the strength n love n hope n everything you’ve been sending me and us.
Knowing you all are there, and here, with me, has been my crutch this week. I can never hope to express what you mean to me.. so I’ll just say.. I love you. Thank you.
<3
Dear Baby,
I am so tremendously relieved you are ok. and will be ok. and will never remember. and in spite of the trauma and horror of this week… seeing you grinnin and laughin like a fool as Codeine Baby made me laugh despite it all. I <3 you muchly and cannot wait to get your stitches out.
Cassie Reply:
November 13th, 2009 at 10:56
Dear Jody,
I love you woman! Y’all continue to be in my thoughts!
Always,
Cassie
November 13th, 2009 at 08:25
Dear Ex-Husband,
You have a very sad, pathetic life. I did the RIGHT THING and sent you pictures of your children, one of whom you have never seen and the other you haven’t seen in over a year, and you CUT THEM IN HALF. You are a first class, five star, small penis DOUCHEBAG. And while this letter might sound angry, it’s really me rubbing it in your face that you are a terrible human being.
Oh, and P.S. Why yes, yes I did save the envelope and the pictures-cut-in-half, so when your lame ass goes back to court in a couple of years trying to get child support lowered, I will bust out that envelope and let the judge see what a prick you are. AND when you show up in ten years wanting to be Daddy again, I’ll show those pictures TO YOUR KIDS and let them decide that you are pathetic.
Asshole.
******
Okay, I’m done
Do I talk to myself? All the time. And I have conversations too.
November 13th, 2009 at 08:28
Do you talk to yourself?
All the time!!
If you could go back or forward in time,where would you go?
Prob around 1994…when I met the warden….I know you understand!
Name one thing you never worry about running out of?
Love from my kids…awwwwww
Dear Bitch at POE:
Stop hovering! Stop pointing fingers in ONE direction.
Next time you do, I will call you out. I have held my tounge for so long now I am ready to burst, so watch out!!
Dear other Bitch at POE:
You can glare all you want……UP YOURS!
And STOP your stupid, fake ass laugh that fills the whole office.
I hear you right now and wanna slap the shit out of you!
Dear Hottie at POE:
The hug yesterday was UNBELIEVABLE! I have placed it in my mental rolodex for later usage. Thank you sir, may I please have another?
OOOhhhhhhh Yeaaaaaaaaa!
Dear Warden:
Again, GET OFF YOUR ASS!!!
I am tired, please help a little!
Ok, thats it for now, I think…..we will see how today goes!
Donna
November 13th, 2009 at 10:55
Dear Pain,
I won’t let you get the best of me. I’ll defy you at every turn forever. I’ll make you work hard to keep me down, and harder still to fool me twice. I’ll use you to better myself and throw you away when I’m done.
Watch out.
Jaime
November 13th, 2009 at 11:01
Rhianna,
I would lick your ass…thats how hot you are!
Oh, and it is casual sex Friday!
November 13th, 2009 at 11:08
Dear f@#kface that I should NEVER have married,
Yep! I said it. NEEEVVEERRR! If you ever try to put me or my dearest people in a spot like you did last night, I can not promise that I wont choke you out! I am done making up excuses as to why you are the way you are. Furthermore, you’re lazy. Get the fuck up in the morning. Get a fucking job! I don’t care if its slinging your dick in front of some old woman’s nasty face…or holding a sign for the new homes being build..or asking if you’d like some fries with that order..SHOW ME THE MONEY! You are 30 years old and have 2 kids. BE A MAN. Oh, and that whole Dec. 5 deadline thing is no joke.
Dear Courtni,
Thanks for letting me purge! that felt really good. Oh, and red shoes are the sexiest thing in the world. That B is a jealous hater! xo
November 13th, 2009 at 13:17
Dear nose. You can stop bleeding on the daily basis at any fucking time. I’m over you and your too close the the surface capillaries that spurt at random. All over my shirt. Or nightie. It is NOT a fashion statement to have a tissue stuffed up your nose while you’re driving down I-5 mid nose bleed. Fuck you nose.
Dear bitch who has to tell his ex everything. HA!HA!. You didn’t get a response, didja?! What was that, like the third time you’d asked about us and our baby and you were ignored? Guess you should have kept your mouthacocksuckin instead of running it to the wrong person. P.S. you can keep your want-want-to-charge-me handmedowns. A bitch has got it covered and STILL spent less than you would have charged. Ask me about your $50 play gym that I got for TWO DOLLARS. Better yet, don’t talk to me. Ever. Or else, it might get bloody.
Dear NotsomuchmySIL. Don’t even be tempted to show your face bitch. It will be ON like saturday morning cartoons.
Dear Daughter. Just because you have the swine flu, doesn’t mean I’m going to keep coddling you once you are better. So hurry up and GET BETTER, cause I’m kinda over this catering to you shit. Love mom.
Dear Cervix. Take a fucking clue from that old Mervyn’s commercial. OPEN, OPEN, OPEN.
Dear Anesthesiologist. I’ll take that epidural. NOW. Mkaythanks.
November 13th, 2009 at 13:19
Ohyeah- and PfuckingS – Everett Municipal can suck a big fat one. Not only did we have to wait TWO HOURS in the court room….but we also had to sit through a mini trail full of russians and their interpretors. I almost shoved an ice pick in my own ear. I had to pee soooooooo bad when we got out of there. AND my ass hurt from their uncomfortable church like pew seating.
November 13th, 2009 at 16:10
Dear Courtni,
THANK YOU! I love that man and I’m going to watch him play in 3 1/2 hours so that’s exciting for me.
Dear Chris Andersen,
Let’s have sex. Dirty, rough, sweaty sex. Like tonight. Kthxbai.
Dear Courtni (again),
No seriously, I love your face off and I’m sorry about the jail thing. I really hope I can swing the money to come visit.
Dear People I Work With,
Please stop doing stupid things.