I’m No Punk, Bitch! (i.e. Off One.)
Oct 18, 2009 Friendship, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., bitch
Happy Monday! How was your weekend? Mine was pretty freaking awesome actually.
When I was younger … oh … say 10 years ago … if one would have asked me what the ideal Friday night was, I bet $100 that spending mine snuggled up with my beautiful family would not have ranked top 3 on my list. In fact, a decade ago I would have laughed in your face if you would have predicted that I would be married with 2 kids … I probably would have laughed in your face.
That is how my Friday was spent. Snuggled and warmed.
Saturday though? Not so snuggled. At least, not the evening anyway. For the first time in months, D, Tarable and I were able to get dolled and go hit the town together. I love going out with the 2 of them. There is never any drama, and we are all reaaaaally pretty when we get pretteh-fied.
So that is what we did. Pretty alcohol induced people. Shiny Happy People. With nice tits and a hot black man on our arm. D cleans up really nice I tell you.
We get to the bar and there weren’t many people there. I was kinda stoked because the first bar we went to was so packed that it was stupid. Within 20 minutes, there were so many people in this bar that I couldn’t breathe. It’s cool though. We had a blast. I met a cool cat while watching this dick-fuck bartender serve everyone BUT me who provided really great conversation.
The best 3 things that happened at the bar:
1) As I was leaning on a chair in conversation with the guy mentioned previously, (still waiting for my drink might I add) this dumb cunt slid into the chair that I had claimed as mine over an hour beforehand. Not only did she try to seat jack me, she also thought she was going to get a drink before me.
I would like to quickly mention the fact that this is a prime example of someone assuming that I am the one when in fact I am not.
What do I do?
Me: *taptaptap*on her shoulder “Um. Really?”
Her: “What?”
Me: “This is my seat.”
Her: “How do you figure?”
Me: “Well, consider the facts 1) you are sitting on my purse 2) I have been sitting on it off and on for over an hour and 3) I am leaning on it.
Her: “It didn’t look like you were gonna sit back down.”
Me: “Did you ask me?”
Her: “Ask you what?”
Me: “You said it didnt look like I was gonna sit back down but did you bother to ask me?”
Her: “No. I didnt.”
Me: “Wellllllll if you would have I would have told you that I was going to because it is my chair.”
Her: “Wow. Well how about I give you your chair back and sit in this empty one right next to you.”
Me: “That sounds like a GREAT idea actually. You should sit next to me. Because I am AWESOME.”
The look on her face was priceless. The looks on her friends faces were even better. What has happened to how bitches roll out in public? If that would have been me or one of my bitches who were getting blatantly punked like that in front of folks, I would not have stood for it. The bitches I roll with are prepared to pull nails off, earrings … drop to bare feet so that the stiletto heels are available to use as weapons if need be.
It is a prerequisite of how I roll. I don’t need some weak scaredy cat fucking bitch in my group. This goes directly along with me not being the one.
2) The fucking douchebag that thought it was acceptable to come up behind me and cup my vagina.
Yes you read that correctly. Some fucking drunk asshole came behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist and made his way down to my vagina to cup it. And then didn’t quite understand why 1) I was mad, 2) I shoved the fucking shit out of him after he tried to touch me again and 3) had him physically removed from the bar.
Do I look like the bitch that accepts a strange vagina cupper? With no introduction? With no conversation? What is this world coming to?
3) When I saved my friends ass from another mans ass.
After peeing and powdering my nose like a girly girl does, I come back to my seat where my friend and her husband were keeping them warm.
Him: “Do you see this guy behind me? He is trying to share a seat with me.”
Me: “You dont know this guy?”
Him: “Fuck NO!”
Me: “I got your back friend.”
So I smile at the assclown who obviously has no sense of personal space and shove my pretty ass between his and my friends.
Me: “Oooh. I am SO sorry.”
AssClown: “Are you fucking serious? I am not moving.”
Me: “Thats okay. I will just move you.”
AssClown: “That is doubtful.”
Me: “Ok.”
That is why I moved his ass out of the motherfucking way. He had to ask these 2 bitches to move their seats down so he would have room. *grin*
I WIN!
I won’t mention (or maybe I will) how Tara fell out of the bathroom stall while I was peeing or how I stood on the bar stool trying to get the bartenders attention because he was serving everyone around us but ignored our very existence. I also won’t mention (lies) how Tarable and I were wrestling like drunkards or bum fights and I flipped her ass over the top of me onto the floor and she got mad and pouted about it.
Good times. We were definitely off one all night. It was almost a make up for the fact that I was not invited with enough time to plan for the DC trip this weekend. I may or may not be bitterly butthurt about it still.
New York or California? Why?
Do you collect anything? What?
What was the worst rumor that was ever spread about you?
Would you rather publish your diary or make a movie on your most embarrassing moment?
Tags: bar, drunk, going out, pretty, tarably wicked
October 18th, 2009 at 22:22
I’m glad you guys had a good time! I’m also very jealous that you got to get pretty and go out on the town… someday I will have reliable babysitting. Someday.
California. I am a west coast girl at heart (and the east coast people move so fast they give me a headache).
I collect kitchen utensils. Don’t laugh. If you are at my house and need to separate orange segments, I have a tool for that.
Worst rumor … I have no idea. I never pay attention to that stuff so if there was a rumor, I wouldn’t have heard it anyways!
Movie. So I could laugh at how stupid I looked doing whatever embarrassing thing I was doing.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 18th, 2009 at 22:32
We really did have a blast. It is rare that we find a person who will do it and not flake last minute.
HAH @ the utensils. That is an awesome thing to collect.
October 18th, 2009 at 23:20
New York .. been to both New York and California as a kid and New York always got my vote..
Cookbooks and Cooking Magazines…
Kitchen Utensils and gadgets
Programmes from the Theatre and concerts
Don’t know about a rumour, I try not to pay too much attention to that.
Movie because a diary contains more then one embarrassing moment haha
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 09:53
HAHA. Cut your losses, right?
October 19th, 2009 at 03:27
Cali, cause Zoe is there.
I collect rocks. Rocks make me happy.
I’d publish my diary. It’s all the web anyway at this point and I’m a horrible actress.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 09:55
I haven’t talked to Zoe in months. (sadface)
I sent you rocks. THAT makes me happy.
October 19th, 2009 at 03:41
I wanna see New York , but I lived in Cali and would go back.
I collect mini obsessions.
Diary because I can’t think of my most embarrassing moment so it’s probably not a funny one.
Courtni and yrouble sitting in a tree.
David Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 03:42
That’d be “trouble”.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 09:56
What are mini obsessions?
We totally are K I S S I N G.
October 19th, 2009 at 04:09
The only thing that took my jaw off the floor about Numbah 2 is that Perrin just decided to dump a bag of goldfish on the floor and eat them. I have never taught him to do this; yet it somehow seemed like a logical choice. I will forthwith spend some time evaluating my parenting choices to determine where I have gone horribly wrong.
New York, because Cali is just too…yeah, I’m gonna go with immature.
I currently collect paper and paper products…and ribbon. I’m actually trying to get it all used up so I can feel more organized.
Worst rumor spread: the rumor itself was that I was pregnant with my brother’s baby. The miserable sow that spread that rumor WAS a friend prior to that. We were fourteen; I was having a miserable post-breakup day because my ex (for all of a week at the time) had just found out his new girl was pregnant with his baby. I hated that she unnecessarily broke down the math for me WHILE GIGGLING!!! So, I told her to stop giggling or I’d slap her. She giggled again and I slapped her. So, she spread a rumor that *I* was pregnant with my brother’s baby. It cracked me the fuck up that a few weeks later, a mutual friend couldn’t figure out why I still felt miserable and was drinking a veiled bottle of gin in the locker room. It cracked me up even more that the miserable sow actually thought she could apologize three years later.
So, yeah.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 09:58
Charli does the same shit. It is a kid thing. No reflection on your parenting.
Hmmm @ the Cali immaturity that. That is the first time I have heard it described that way. Interesting.
That is a HORRIBLE rumor.
October 19th, 2009 at 04:26
New York or California? California Why? b/c I want to go diving there!
Do you collect anything? yes What? shot glasses, lighters, flashlights
What was the worst rumor that was ever spread about you? that I was a lesbian
Would you rather publish your diary or make a movie on your most embarrassing moment? how about we keep me out of the limelight as much as possible, thank you very much!
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 09:58
And because it is closer to me?
You aren’t a lesbian?!?!? (shocked face)
Cassie Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 10:04
yes, also because it is closer to you!
don’t say shit like that…that’s how people start to believe those rumors!!!
and you know I’m not! lol
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 10:23
I am totally bullshitting.
You are just bi.
*snort*
Cassie Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 10:26
SOOOO NOT FUNNY!
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 10:31
lmfao
Squish Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 11:17
I firmly believe all women are bi – and just in varying stages of accepting or denying it…
:-p
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 13:07
YESSSSSSS!
Cassie Reply:
October 20th, 2009 at 07:00
<———in complete and utter denial! Jeff and I talked about this too…he seems to agree that I just haven't met the woman that I WOULD try being bi for….I disagree, I am surrounded by tons of sexy women, I WANT none of them!!! just sayin!
October 19th, 2009 at 05:35
First of all, you sound like a blast to hang out with. I’m afraid I’m too quiet and introverted though. You’d be all goddamn woman you bore me!
New York. No, California. I dunno. That’s a hard one. They both appeal to me in different ways. I’ll take both. No I’m not going to pick one, you can’t make me.
Dust. Lots and lots of dust.
I have no idea. The last time a rumor was spread about me was probably high school and I don’t even remember what they were if there were any.
I blog, therefore my diary is already public.
Oh I just remembered, in middle school, I transferred in the middle of the year to a new school and was assigned a locker with this girl who was very popular and I was very, very shy. Which is a disaster waiting to happen. So I was just trying to get through the rest of the year with no trouble when suddenly she accused me of stealing something from the locker. Which she then spread to the entire school. I could hardly get through a day without being harassed or attacked by a few students a day. Without a doubt, that had to be the worst rumor.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 10:01
Not to be all cocky and shit but wherever I go there is a barrel of laughs. We most always have a blast. You would have no choice but to fall right into it too. It is infectious.
I am making you. Officially.
Weird.
That SUCKS. I bet she is repulsive now.
April Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 13:35
Oh, I’d have fun. I just have a hard time loosening up and am not nearly as spontaneous or um… outgoing as you. But I have a good friend that is the same way you are and she puts up with me.
No, you pick. And I’ll meet you there.
She made amends in high school.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 13:40
Fine. NYC. You pick the Broadway show.
October 19th, 2009 at 06:06
California: warmer ocean, more relaxed vibe, more space versus NY, the pacific ocean
I only collect worries.
Worst rumor: I don’t pay attention to rumors about me. And I don’t get close enough to most people to let them know me well enough to spread a rumor, and most other people would be like “who?” and those that really knew me would be like “I already knew that, she told me herself.”
probably publish my diary because I really don’t want to publish a movie about the time I was on my period and my uterus decided to explode while we were visiting friends and I got blood on their new furniture.
yeah, talk about.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 10:05
I <3 the Pacific Ocean.
*sigh* I wish you would stop that.
You are close to me.
Um. Woah. Yeah. Um. Fuck.
October 19th, 2009 at 09:16
1. Neither.
2. Dimes.
3. That I had sex with this guy I totally didn’t have sex with.
4. Movie.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 10:06
I know you hate NYC. But why no to Cali?
You collect dimes?
I had a rumor like that once about me. That shit sucks.
Now I wanna know the moment.
Jaime Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 10:18
I’ve been to Cali, and I liked it, but I’m not sure I’d want to spend more than a couple days there. I went to Venice Beach, Huntington Beach, Norwalk (?) and around there. It was wicked nice. I just don’t like cities.
I don’t collect dimes, I save them. I don’t have a collection, just a large amount of them saved up. I don’t spend them.
I wanna know the moment, too. lolz
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 10:24
I love love LOVE Venice Beach.
Um, that is a collection. HA.
October 19th, 2009 at 09:21
You are so not the one. I could figure that out and I’ve never even met you.
And I love that you promoted your own awesomeness when that chick stole your chair.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 10:12
That is because you also are in fact not the one. People who are not the one just get it and others who share the same nottheoneism.
I had to. She was a cunt.
October 19th, 2009 at 10:00
I can’t say since I haven’t been to either but I’d say NY in the winter & Cali in the summer.
I don’t collect anything.
That I had slept with some guy at work. His wife called me at my POE and bitched and bitched. I didn’t even know who the guy was. It made me insanely mad.
I’d publish my diary. Maybe it would help someone realize that it really will be ok in the end.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 10:14
That shit deserves a junk punch. ON HER VAGINA. Bitch dont you ever call me at work with some shit like that.
Oh man.
October 19th, 2009 at 11:03
You are so awesome! I sooo would have punked her too!
I want to visit California just so I can punk Steves ex from when he was 16. she most definitely NEEDS her ass kicked!
I collect keychains.
The worst rumor ever spread about me was in 6th grade when the boys in my class said I stuffed my bra, then proceded to pour water all down my shirt. You know i don’t stuff…
!!
i guess a movie.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 13:08
Yeah you really never needed to stuff with your tigolbitties.
October 19th, 2009 at 13:44
[...] Random Feed wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptHappy Monday! How was your weekend? Mine was pretty freaking awesome actually. When I was younger … oh … say 10 years ago … if one would have asked me what the ideal Friday night was, I bet $100 that spending mine snuggled up with my beautiful family would not have ranked top 3 on my list. In fact, a decade ago I would have laughed in your face if you would have predicted that I would be married with 2 kids … I probably would have laughed in your face. That is how my Friday was spent. Sn [...]
October 19th, 2009 at 13:55
California. Because I *will be there*
I collect paininmyasschildren. And those free patterns they have in the yarn isles for crochetted baby blankets and sweaters and stuffs. I have a binder with clear pockets full <3
Worst? Um, in recent years….has to be Dan's sister Missy, who went and told the whole family LIES LIES LIES about me before they even met me. About how Dan was in a downward spiral because of me. How I'm a "WelfareWhore". And how I "control him". Whatever. So they all had these preconcieved notions about me before they even MET me. That cuntface ruined my first impression and I will NEVER forget it. Karma will be a royal cunt when the time comes. *snicker*
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 14:42
Karma is a total cunt. That is no joke.
October 19th, 2009 at 17:40
I about peed my pants reading “You SHOULD sit next to me. Because I am AWESOME” Damn fuckin skippy woman.
New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of. There’s nothin’ you can’t do.. -cough- I turned into Alicia Keys for a second my bad.. =)
I collect movie ticket stubs . . started doing that when I moved to Arizona in 2004 so I just have a box full of tickets..
Umm worst rumor would be well it was really a rumor but people were constantly trying to pit me and my bestie against each other, and we don’t fall for that bull shit. Hello! Morons! We speak to each other we’re not going to run around assuming that the bull shit your mouth spews is for real. Sorry to burst your hatin’ bubbles.
MUCH rather have the movie.. my notebooks look like they belongs to someone in an insane asylum. =|
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 21:35
I <3 that song.
That is awesome. The movie stub collection.
October 19th, 2009 at 18:07
Remind me to never go drinking with you. Cause I am totally the weak scaredy cat fucking bitch
Unless I am supremely drunk and then I am only weak but not so scared and would still get my ass beat. *sigh*
Glad you guys had fun tho!!!
New York or California? Why? New York. Cause I have never been and am curious.
Do you collect anything? What? Laundry. I don’t collect it on purpose. But my husband and my kid just keep giving it to me. *shrug*
What was the worst rumor that was ever spread about you? I have no idea honestly. I will have to think on that one. My lameness just gets better and better!
Would you rather publish your diary or make a movie on your most embarrassing moment? My most embarrassing moment.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 21:35
I am cracking up. HA HA HA