Apparently … (A Blog About Xavier and his Ass-Whoopin)
Oct 20, 2009 All Things X, Current Events, Parenting, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms
… Xavier thinks like I am the one.
He is in so much trouble that it is stupid.
Why? Oh let me fill you the fuck in.
Last week he partook in a discussion with some skanky little 3rd grade girl who thought she was cute when she approached Xavier and his friend and offered him a blow job to be his girlfriend. Yes you read that correctly. He thought it was H.I.L.A.R. to repeat this offer over and over again in his outside voice.
Right. I already know. He got a really tiny pass on this one.
So yesterday, he wakes me up on my day to sleep in to ask me for some money to get this book at the Book Fair. I told him that I would write him a check for the next day. When I got home, he bum-rushes me.
X: “Hi. So my teacher gave me a $10 gift certificate to the book fair today. I was able to get my book!”
Me: “Did she give all of the kids gift certificates?”
X: “Uh no…”
Me: “Why did she give it to you?”
X: “I don’t know, she just did.”
Me: “Bullshit.”
X: “Huh?”
Me: “Try again. I don’t believe you.”
X: “Uhhh well what really happened …”
Me: “Here we go…”
X: “My frend gave it to me. He didn’t want it.”
Me: “Really Xavier?”
X: “What?”
Me: “Do I look new? Actually no. Get out of my face. You have til morning to tell me the truth or I am going to remove your ass from your body with my bare hand.”
D: “Ooooooh.”
The next day …
X: “Okay I am going to tell you the truth about what happened.”
Me: “Riiiiight. What?”
X: “Me and my friend saw this $10 bill blowing in the wind.”
Me: *snort* “Blowing in the wind.”
X: “Yeah, and we both grabbed it at the same time so we played rock, paper, scissors to see who could keep it and I won. I lied because I knew you would be mad because I didn’t turn it in to the office.”
Me: “The fucked up thing is Xavier, I told you I would buy you this book and you just could not wait for one more day. Now there is all of this drama that you brought on. Not 1 lie … not 2 lies … 3 god damn lies. For what? Get out of the car.”
So I call the principal on the way home and leave him a message to try and get to the bottom of this $10 fiasco. 2 hours later he calls me with Xavier in his office.
Ask me if the reason he was in the office for why I called. G’head. The answer is a big fat no. He was actually in the office for 2 reasons completely different.
1st recess: He was swinging the excess of his belt around by his junk pretending that it was his cock.
2nd recess: He approached a group of girls and offered to pull his pants down so they could see it.
Um. I would like to remind all of you that I am in fact not the fucking one.
Xavier has no recess until further notice.
Xavier is in the process of boxing up all of his shit. ALL . OF . IT . until further notice.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnd Xavier is getting a mommy first thing in the morning ass whoopin. Right after his shower.
Creative parenting is coming. I don’t fully know what exactly yet. But it is is coming.
You just motherfucking wait.
P.S. A quick pillow talk:
Me: “Ooooh. SoNSo got busted.”
D: “Uh-oh. Doin what?”
Me: “Creepin’.”
D: “Damn. Really?”
Me: “SoNSo is in the dog house.”
D: “Ooooh.”
Me: “Um. Like you don’t know about dog house.”
D: “I don’t know how NOT to be in the dog house.”
Me: (Laughing out loud) “HA HA HA HA!”
D: “I speak truth.”
Me: “Good one babe.”
Would you rather travel back in time to the year 500 B.C or meet the queen of Eygpt?
Would you rather eat 5 rotten cheese slices or lick a dirty toilet?
Have you ever been caught masturbating?
October 20th, 2009 at 23:22
SO, the $10 is a mystery for another week… awesome…
I don’t play the “would you rathers”… but, I was getting ready for a cruise *ahem* I was going to take a couple of years ago. A friend and I were going to drive down to Miami and she was an hour earlier.
She interrupted me. Didn’t catch me, but DAMN! I had to wait waaaaaay longer than I expected… triple longer than I expected to have that orgasm…
The waiting was not worth it. Actually, that’s a perfect metaphor for that trip, although, I think the waiting might be worth it, in the end… (long ass story….)
LivingWicked Reply:
October 20th, 2009 at 23:46
daaaaaaaamn. ha ha ha.
We will see how much longer it takes to get it out of him. Either way, the truth will prevail.
October 20th, 2009 at 23:26
All I can say is WOW!
LivingWicked Reply:
October 20th, 2009 at 23:48
I am right there with ya….
October 20th, 2009 at 23:51
Oh goodness. Not a good week huh? Kids are learning things so young these days. Or maybe I was just really naive growing up.
Anyway… hope your week gets better.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 06:28
i wanna kill him. grrrrr.
thanks though… i hope it gets better too.
October 20th, 2009 at 23:58
Whoa. Just. Whoa.
Don’t you just love the crap that hits you right out of left field? Damn.
Man you’re asking the hard questions tonight. I’m passing on all the nasty. I’m sexless and you want me to lick a toilet? Give me a better option.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 22:47
I already know about the woah. That little mfer.
Also I love you.
October 21st, 2009 at 00:29
I would beat the fuck out of that kid. And also, find out who the little future tramp is and make sure her parents beat the fuck out of her.
I mean, really. I was at least in my later years of middle school, if not freshmen year of high school, before I knew what sex was. And these kids are in 3rd and 4th grade? Jeez.
Hitting the quarter-century mark has made me start reminiscing about the “good old days…”
LivingWicked Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 22:48
Done and done.
Also, yeah man. Fucking aye. I am not prepared for these fast ass kids.
October 21st, 2009 at 03:25
GooooooD LORD!!!!!
I didn’t know they did lobotomies on children! Le’me know if you find his brain falling out of his ass when you whoop him.
Anne Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 03:47
Now that’s I’ve had a moment to lose the shock, I’m going to do some brain-draining and random thinking here…
I’m thinking about his trips to the office. He’s in, what? Fifth grade now? If that’s the case, I’m not surprised that he’s trying to explore sex and sexuality. This got me thinking how I’d want to work with Perrin at that age. I’d want him to understand what he’s going through — explain that we get he’s curious about sex and a lot of the sexual images and messages he’s receiving from t.v., music, friends, books, whatever. I’d also spend as much time as it took teaching and reminding him of appropriate speech and actions….
But more than all that, I’d focus on the message he’s latched onto. Part of me wonders if maybe there’s an attachment between “becoming a man” and sex…Which the American culture has held for a long azz time. So, maybe he’s just trying to be a man…or figure out how to be a man. If he wants to equate sex with manhood, then he needs to completely get all that manhood entails. He wants to act like a man, then his azz needs to get a job to pay a bill or two around the house; like his own grocery goodies, water, heat, air to breathe… toilet paper… I’d hope that his job would keep him busy enough that he wouldn’t have time to play those nonsense sex games AND instill some social and personal responsibility along the way.
…And my little man is yelling about trains now, so I guess I’m done babbling on your blog.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 22:50
He is in THIRD grade.
I fully motherfucking agree on walk like a man be treated like a man bizness. That is why he has packed all of “his” (really MY)shit up. He gets nada unless he earns it.
October 21st, 2009 at 04:28
Anne has good things to say. I don’t think this is JUST a job for Wonder Woman because everything he did was understandable considering his age. I found myself in the office in 5th grade over a sex related incident (mysterious, no?). It’s jut that time for him to have a sit down with his parents and get some questions answered and some guidance administered.
When you say Queen of England, do you mean Nefertiti or Cleopatra or Hatshepsut etc etc? Either way, I’m going with that. I don’t wanna live in a death obsessed culture that also lives in the desert without A/C. So alternatively, I would imagine I would have an Egyptian Queen who is also obsessed with cosmetics (as the ancient Egyptians were) and I could have her assuming I was a god in under an hour.
I’d have to reserch the dangers of rotting cheese over the dangers of dirty toilets, which I do not have time for.
And hells yeah I have been caught.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 22:51
It is time for me to fuck his little ass up. That is what time it is.
I like the way you think.
October 21st, 2009 at 05:43
~ whoopin his ass before the shower will make it sting more when the hot water hits it. just sayin
~ that boy be confused. Why flash a bunch of girls at recess if he’s already got one on the side ready to do the work?
~ I guess I’d take the 500BC option. Those Pharaohs seem kind of a little weird to me.
~ I’d rather not
~ Yes
LivingWicked Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 22:52
I will smack you.
October 21st, 2009 at 06:21
I agree with Toni about finding out who the little girl was. If Lyssa turns skank-tastic by the third grade, I will definitely want to know so that I can watch her little ass like a hawk. I don’t want no grand babies for at least another 20 years.
I think Anne is on to something. I like her punishment idea. It may help to keep you from being Grandma Wicked for a long time to come. I would add more to the punishment too just in case. What he’s done is pretty bad. It also make me wonder if maybe that is how he got his $10 bucks the day before? Or did he ask the desperate-to-give-a-blowjob little girl for some money?
Travel back in time as long as I could come back.
Lick the toilet seat.
Nope. Only on purpose.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 22:53
I have already done the parent thing. Lets just say the apple doesnt far fall from the skank tree.
I like these ideas.
October 21st, 2009 at 06:55
oh my lord. I don’t know what I would do as a parent in that situation. Good thing I’m not a parent, wow, please let us know how this turns out, and I hope your week gets better.
I’d pick queen of egypt.
I think I’d lick a toilet because then I could just throw up right in it. It would be convenient. I don’t think I could stomach chewing 5 pieces of cheese and then swallowing it. I don’t think I could stomach licking a dirty toilet either, but it seems like it would be a quicker way to go. I’ve had dirty things in my mouth before!
I have most definitely been caught masturbating. As a kid I apparently got caught ALL THE TIME. I wasn’t too sly about it or so my mother tells me, I don’t remember. Now, I occasionally get caught by my fiancee but I’m never embarrassed. Sometimes if I don’t get caught, I’m like “guess what I just did and you didn’t even KNOW!” haha
<3
LivingWicked Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 22:57
I will definitely be updating.
I love your licking a toilet logic.
October 21st, 2009 at 09:12
1. 500 BC.
2. Toilet.
3. No.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 22:57
<3
October 21st, 2009 at 09:57
What cracks me up is that I can hear all this coming out of your mouth. And the whooole time I was like “Oh HELL no Xavier.” Smack that child upside his head.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 22:58
I love that I can hear your voice too when I read your blogs. It makes it that much more personal.
October 21st, 2009 at 10:28
….somehow I just see a natural blend of you and D mixed into that child. *ducks and runs*
Nate, my five year old, used a pair of scissors to carve into his desk at school, in revenge to the teacher, who yelled at him, after asking him twice, to not chew on paper. He cost us a $20 fine. Then, my almost 9 year old, left the door unlocked….and had a series of lying, stealing from me, and other things….I packed up allllllll their shit and we put it in their sister’s room. She now has every toy in the house and she is STILL bored. WTF.
I love LOVE your creative parenting….because it forces me to think outside the box more with my own kids. Although….making the one bite down on the bar of soap a few weeks ago after using FUCK, was pretty cool too.
Oh, and I HATE it when Dan catches me masturbating. Usually he’s too dumb to actually KNOW he caught me though. I am ordering some new things next month. Variety is the spice of life
LivingWicked Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 22:59
You are lucky you are pregs.
October 21st, 2009 at 12:52
oh, wow! You poor thing.
He’s a good kid, you know that. He’s just testing limits and dealing with a body that is maturing faster than his mind. It’ll be ok.
But yea whoop him.
I don’t know. Either would be quite interesting.
Ew. Where do you come up with these things? I think I’d take the cheese. My logic is that I’ve had food poisoning and know I will live. However, I don’t like even having my face close enough to a toilet to vomit when I need to, I can’t put my tongue on it. *gag*
yes, accidentally and not-so-accidentally.
How do you go from licking dirty toilet seats to masturbating? Your mind is warped or something.
LivingWicked Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 23:01
I know he is. I am still whoopin his ass.
My mind is totally warped. Have we just met?
October 21st, 2009 at 13:23
omg, totally cant wait to hear how he really got the money and oh dear lord kids are learning younger and younger these days!!
Would you rather travel back in time to the year 500 B.C or meet the queen of Eygpt? queen
)
Would you rather eat 5 rotten cheese slices or lick a dirty toilet? i just threw up in my mouth
Have you ever been caught masturbating? only when i wanted to get caught *wink* (ok thats a lie but i have never been “caught” as an adult unless i wnated to be caught… i’m not sure if you read my TMI blog last week…http://bigmamacass.wordpress.com/2009/10/15/go-on-double-click-that-mouse-tmi-thursday/ but I wrote about that very thing there
<3
LivingWicked Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 23:01
<3 I will keep you posted.
October 22nd, 2009 at 07:30
Just wanted to let you know you aren’t the only one dealing with this. My nephew got suspended for humping a water fountain in front of a couple girls at school…They are way too young to be doing this shit at 9 and 10 years old…UGH Good luck to you!
November 2nd, 2009 at 01:00
I feel for you, I really do. This reminds me of an episode of Weeds where Shane’s has a threesome with 2 girls from his class. Shane is 13 in the episode. Nancy finds out and wonders where she went wrong and Silas says to her, you had boys…..