YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Oct 29, 2009 Friday Eye Candy, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch
Look. I am in no mood for small talk today. Let’s just get on with it.
Dear Life,
How about go fuck yourself right now. K? I don’t need this shit right now.
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Dear Courtni,
You need to get it together. It needs to click. E V E R Y T H I N G depends on it. Like, everything. No one can afford for you to fail at this.
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Dear You,
I don’t like your attitude lately. Get out of my face with that shit.
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Dear D,
I am not frustrated with your current choices. You have finally figured out what the right thing to do is and you are finally doing it. Thank you for that. What I am frustrated and worried and freaking out on the inside about are the past choices that are creeping up on us and affecting the entire family. I am unable to do it all by myself. Literally.
I am behind you. I am just in silent wtfarewegonnado panic mode right now. Especially because the answer is not coming to me.
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Dear Same Pants Guy,
I really adore you. Especially considering that you wear different pants now.
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Dear “You Just Think You Are Funny” Bitch,
Hi Hater!
I have decided that I am no longer bothered by you. I have officially become immune to your 1) horrific homemade outfits and hooker footwear 2) your face 3) your presence & 4) your voice. Fuck yourself kindly. I am planning my witty, non violent, unfireable demise. You have no idea how creative and manipulative I can be.
You have officially fucked with THE wrong bitch.
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You go. Let it out. Vent away your frustrations so that you can officially enjoy your Halloween weekends.
Friday Eye Candy is one that I have pondered doing before and haven’t. Why? Because he is obvious. But, I am tired and cranky and freaking out and stressed and fucking over it so this is what you get.
Mmmmm…. I almost … ALMOST … feel better.
If you are passing through a hallway and there’s an open door, do you look through it?
What was your favorite Halloween costume as a kid?
If you could travel through time and meet yourself when you were a kid, what would you say?
You Just Think That You Are Funny.
Oct 28, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, bitch
Well then.
I guess someone told me, didn’t they?
I am going to do the following things in this blog:
1) Blow a teeny bit of smoke up my own ass.
2) Rant.
Someone said this to me. A person who I don’t speak to. Someone who does not have the repertoire with me to just make a joke like that. So she was seriously saying that she 1) did not think I was funny and 2) that I think that I am funny but that I am really not funny.
Um.
(This is the blowing smoke up my own ass part.)
Actually, I AM really funny. Like, HA HA funny. I pride myself on making jokes and poking fun with the people that I care about. Shit, even people that I don’t really care about. I love to laugh. It makes me feel good when I can make another person chuckle/giggle/snort when they are having a bad day.
I said in return to this unsolicited statement: “Oh I am funny. I know that much is true.” (good one, right?)
(and then the rant.)
For someone who doesn’t even know me to say that all of this time that I have spent confident in my funny demeanor has been just me in my own head … is … fucking offensive and totally uncalled for! Especially given the context of the conversation, the fact that not a single person in it was even acknowledging her presence OR the fact that … really?? No one even asked her.
What I think is funny is that sometimes … more often than not lately … people assume that I am the one. The one who won’t stand up for herself. The one who will just smile and nod and take someone’s shit. The one who will be talked to like she is half of a person.
The one who will get cut off on the motherfucking freeway and NOT pull out my legaltopurchaseatWalmartifIamover18 shotgun and point it directly at their motherfucking faces while still doing 75 on I405.
All I am saying is that I may or may not have pulled my Walmart shotgun out on a bitch for less.
I get that not everyone will like me, that not everyone will always think that I am awesome. Bitch you are the least liked bitch in the establishment. How do you like THEM apples? Huh?! HUH?!?! How about next time though, recognize game? Because what I look like on the outside has no bearing on the venom that comes from within my Wicked little soul.
I will run motherfucking circles around you. While making motherfuckers laugh. SIMULTANEOUSLY.
SAY SUMPIN!
If someone gave you $1,000 and asked you to kill a butterfly by burning it alive in the flame of candle, would you do it?
If a genie granted you 3 wishes, what would you ask for?
Do you watch porn? How would you react if you walked in on your significant other watching porn?
Tags: confrontation, inappropriate, rant, rude, venom, wicked, work
Whatever Happened To? Wednesday’s– House Party’s.
Oct 27, 2009 Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Thoughts and Perceptions, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays
Happy Hump Day! Welcome to another installment of Whatever Happened to? Wednesday’s!
This week we are talking about Houseparty’s. Some Tony Toni Tone style, Bilal, Kid N Play Houseparty.
What? You aren’t knowin’?
You didn’t think that I knew?
Don’t make me bust out the infamous “Kid N Play” dance.
As I was saying, what ever happened to these parties? Where the refrigerators are packed to the brim with 40 oz’s of malt liquor and the bitches were running around naked all while a Dr. Dre/Snoop Dogg song played as the soundtrack?
Anybody? Bueller?
I remember a time where so’n’so would tell a friend and that friend would tell another friend who would tell 5 friends who would tell 5 more friends (including me) about a dope kegger going on that weekend. When we would show up fashionably late there would be some poor parents house, full of drunken adolescents. The music was loud. The alcohol was flowing like the Snoqualmie Falls after a good rain. There was fucking going on in bedrooms and dark corners of the house. It was good music. Fun people, except for when 2 really drunk friends decided they hated each other for 5 minutes and wanted to fistfight in the middle of the fucking kitchen over some stupid bitch with no ass and over-sized titties.
Yep I went there.
I don’t miss any of THAT. What I do miss is walking into a party full of people that I don’t or barely know with a nice buzz going on. I want to mingle. I want to laugh at other’s drunken-ness. I want to blend and enjoy not being known in a social environment that is BYOB, not charge $9 a drink at the bar. A place where the DJ is the homie so I can go up to him and request an old school Lost Boyz song and he not only KNOW WHAT SONG I AM TALKING ABOUT but motherfucking HAVE THAT SHIT ALREADY QUEUED TO PLAY.
I want to find a random girl OR boy to make out with. Just like, walk up to him/her and fucking “blalalalalallalala” their face with my face all immature like.
I want to watch a fight break out.
I want to see a girl and a guy break up. (whatever I am callus like that)
I want to see some fuckin.
Or maybe I just want to be young and without responsibility again. Either way, I miss a good house party.
What is the awesomest house party you ever hosted/attended?
Who do you truly admire?
Would you really rather go naked then wear fur?
Who are on your “List” of hotties that you would fuuuuuuuuuuuuck if given the opportunity to?
Tags: beer, crowd, fight, high school, house party, social, tony toni tone, youth
Honest Tuesday’s — 2
Oct 26, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Etc., Family, Honest Tuesday's, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables
Welcome to round 2 of Honest Tuesday’s. It is kinda like TMIT’s but not raunchy … nor will it make you throw up in your mouth. It is more of a weekly check yourself blog. What are you lying to yourself about? What are you pretending to be okay with but really are not okay with? Who are you really?
So I will go first. You will then read, judge me (yes you will) and then purge your own brutal honesty. Be anonymous if you like. I don’t care. It will feel better to say something honest rather than keep it in and lie to yourself and others forever.
I wont judge. Much. *winkwinkwink*
On this Tuesday, I will admit that I am not as mean, brash, hard core as I may like to come across to others.
Shut up.
Look. I will beat a bitch down if I am 1) instigated against 2) drunk enough and provoked 3) in the mood to.
It is true. I am not a tough girl. All of the time anyway. Don’t get it twisted though. I am not scared of no bitch no how. (It is serious enough to have an intentional grammatical error in my blog to irritate most of you reading it.)
This is the thing though.
I am not young. I seem to have adapted this ability to “assess the situation” with my oldER age of 30. Meaning, if a bitch is all disrespectful like in my face or anyone’s face around me that I give a shit about … I have begun to make a decision based on factors.
FACTORS. Who in the fuck makes a decision based on FACTORS?! Oh that’s right. Adults do. Adults who apparently need to set an example for their offspring do. I have been handed this memo certified letter style by D to remind me of my temper/mouth/flailing fucking fist on too many an occasion.
This memo reads something like this:
Dear Wifey,
You should reconsider your hot headed-ness in the following situations:
1) Grocery stores. (That bitch really was that dumb. I promise. It wasn’t an intentional jam on your ankle with her grocery cart)
2) Public FAMILY gatherings. (It is possible that parents of other offspring do not know what the fuck they are doing. You YELLING it across multiple children in profane verbiage is not appropriate. Yes I agree with you. SILENTLY)
3) In the car. (There are kids in the car with you. THE BITCH CANNOT HEAR WHAT A CUNT SHE IS ON THE FREEWAY IN ANOTHER VEHICLE! Your children however, can hear. When Charli uses the word cunt in front of people … I guarantee you will be mortified.)
Please adhere to the above mentioned guidelines promptly to avoid me laying the smack down on your vulgar ass.
Love, D.
Hmph. So what you are saying is, that I am too old to be vulgar? NEVAH! I get it though. If I want my kids to grow up with more tack than I have, I need to put a mild cork in it. Fine. Fine D. You win this time. But let me get drunk enough around NO KIDS or POLICE or BOUNCERS. SAY I WONT GOD DAMNIT!
Also, along with the not being tough admittance for this Honest Tuesday … I will confess a little about my non-toughness. I am sure all of you beezos will get a big fat kick out of it too.
1) I cry at that one State Farm Commercial where a young M.J. is singing “I’ll Be There” at the very beginning. Every. Single. Time. Single tear styles.
2) When Xavier and Charli hug one another, I cry. Like a baby.
3) I cry at chick flicks.
4) Puppies and kitties melt my heart. So do babies. And love. And sentimental gestures. And poetry. And corny pop songs. Sometimes I cry about one or more of these things.
5) I cry after really great sex.
6) I like to do stupid things for people I like. For instance, every Valentines Day, I buy the little Valentine cards and leave them on my co-workers desks. Or I bring the ladies in my life daisies. Or I draw love notes on the fog in the bathroom for X or D to tell them that I love them when they get out of the shower.
See? Not tough. I am a big fucking sap actually.
Shhhh. No one can ever know this secret about me. Keep it between us, K?
What is your Honest Tuesday Confession???
What turns you off about the opposite sex?
What country would you like to visit most? Why?
Would you give a homeless person CPR?
Tags: fight, honesty, marriage, memo, Parenting, road rage, tough, tuesdays, vulgar
2 Year Old Cheese & Whine
Oct 25, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, DUH, Family, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms
________ Monday. (Fill in your own fucking blank … okay?)
As if Xavier being on my shit list wasn’t enough, Charli has to go and put herself on the mommy VIP shit list as well.
Why are both of my offspring under the impression that I am in fact the one? I have explained to them time and time again that I am in fact NOT the one.
I have no idea what switch inside my child was flipped within the last week or so, but whoever did it needs to turn it the fuck off. Out of nowhere, she has become this whiny, cry-ey, annoying little creature.
Gone are the “Mommy please can I have”.
We now have “Mawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwmmy I waaannnnnnnnnnnnnnna”
If you don’t “know me” know me … then you may not know that I do not, have not, will not ever be the parent that coddles a fucking whiner. Not your kid, not my kid, not anyone’s fucking kid. From birth with both of my kids, we have talked to them the way that we talk to anyone else. Because of that, my 9 year old is more articulate and versed than many adults that I know.
I am not bragging, I am just saying.
I am also saying that even when I stop her, and remind her to ask for what she wants … she still insists on whining about it. WTF is she whining for? All it does is make the adults around her aggravated. Especially considering the fact that I do not fucking embrace it. GAH. All it makes me want to do is tell her to shut her whiny, cry-ey, phrase repeating ass the hell up.
SHUT THE HELL UP!
I hate to be all like “I want to punch her in her god damned mouth but …”
“Cover meeeeeee uppppppppp”
“Iwaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmyjuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiceeeeeeeeeeee”
“Imhungryyyyyyyyyyyyyymawwwwwwwwmyyyyyyy”
“Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
“… it’s phrases like these that make me change my mind.”
Just saying.
Would you like to tell anyone to “Shut the Fuck Up!!!!!!!!!” today?
Fill in the blanks!
The last thing I do before I go to bed at night is __________________.
I should have ______________ yesterday.
Have you ever caught a friend or family member having sex?
Have you ever said something to someone without thinking that you immediately wished you could take back? What was it?
Tags: cheese and whine, kids, mommyhood, Parenting, shut the hell up, terrible two's, wine
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Oct 22, 2009 All Things X, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show
Happy MFing Friday!
Lets cut the bullshit and jump right into the open letters for the week.
You know the drill: Vent all of your bullshit for the week so you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends.
Dear You,
I am sorry that you hate your wife. It is kinda sad that you do because you are a catch and she is not cute. I still want to see it. You know what I want to see.
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Dear Broad-Who-Makes-Her-Own-Clothes,
Just because there is a pattern for it, doesn’t make it cute.
Just because you think you are cute, doesn’t make it true.
Just because you USED to be a stripper, doesn’t mean that it is appropriate to dress like that in a corporate environment.
Your voice sounds like someone denied you the right to not have sinus issues. You sound like a foreign Fran Drescher.
P.S. YES. I was totally making fun of your throwback hot pink 1994 TLC-esque outfit equipped with suspenders. All you were missing was some condoms.
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Dear Think-You-Are-Slick,
I have one of you. You are not close to cute, and pee essI don’t have any desire to see your cock. I don’t. I just play you to get what I want.
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Dear Vagina,
What is wrong with you? Get in gear. I need you right now more than ever.
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Dear Kanisha,
I think that you should give it up, I’ve had about enough, it’s not hard to see the boy is mine.
————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Baby Jesus,
You and I are arch enemies. Officially. I told you. I. AM. NOT. THE. ONE.
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Dear Xavier,
Heh. Keep fucking with me. I dare you. No. I beg you. You think that you are slick. However you continuously get fucking caught. Maybe this time, learn a lesson. Because I am not playing with you about this.
I. Will. Whoop. Your. Ass. Off. Of. Your. Body.
Say I wont.
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Tarable had a letter too:
Dear Ditching Douchebag,
Really?
My vagina rains diamonds and sings beautiful music when it cums. How dare you ditch me, not once but twice?! Men beat down my door to have a taste of this infamous stalker creating vagina. Like a magic bean-stalk. If you think you are hot enough to get away with some madness like this, you are high.
Oh wait. I think you might already be high.
Regardless of the fact that I want to put it in my mouth, you are not going to win this game.
I win. Period.
I would rather not fuck anyone forever, then let you think that you can ditch me and then fuck me on your convenience. K?
It took all of my stubbornness in the history of tarable horny stubbornness to tell you no to some hotdickinmyvagina from you tonight. But I did it. Because you do not get to ditch me and then still fuck me. K?
How about, come over when you say you will on a consistent basis. What are we 17 again? Act like a man, not a teenage boy.
Furthermore, stop fondling me at work. It is tacky. I am not that bitch. And dont text me about being that bitch either because, just like my best friend Wicked says … I am in fact NOT THE ONE.
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Without further ado— Our Friday Eye Candy is a double feature.
First up, the beautiful Scarlett Johansson:
Next? Charlize Theron:
When you were in school, did you speak up in class? Did you sit in front or the back?
Do you wear jewelry? What is your favorite type of jewelry to wear?
If you could drive any car for a day, what would it be?
** LAST MINUTE LETTER ***
Dear Chelsea,
Congrat’s mama! You are gonna be a great mommy.
I cannot wait to smell him.
Tags: charlize theron, emplyoment, Friday Eye Candy, scarlett johansson, work
The Best Part of Waking Up
Oct 21, 2009 All Things X, DUH, Family, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms
Lets just start off about how I am not a morning person.
Lets also mention that I became a morning person today when I was on the 9-year-old-ass-whooping-prowl bright and early at 7:30 am PST.
Oh I know you all want to know what happened. It is okay. I won’t tell anyone that the sadist in you is begging you to not feel sorry for Xavier right now and that is okay. I don’t feel sorry for him one iota.
This morning, as usual, I woke him up to get in the shower. Then, I crawled my cranky ass back into bed to make it look all normal and shit. He, of course, was unexpecting and bought it. He took his shower, and began to go about his 9 year old, getting ready for school business as usual.
Not today Xavier. Not the fuck today.
So I pop up and out, following him to his bedroom all smirky-face like.
X: (looking back at me) “What?”
Me: “What do you mean ‘what’?”
X: “Nothing.”
Me: “Oh not nothing my friend. Drop the towel.”
(God damnit I wish I had a picture of his face.)
X: “Why?!”
Me: “Really? You have to ask?”
X: (face crunching up into a omgsheisgonnawhoopmyasscryface) “Mom nooooooo!”
Me: “Xavier. Drop the towel.”
He drops the towel. I then proceed to bend his naked 9 year old self over his bed, police-elbow-in-the-back and whoop his bare ass off of his body. He wailed like no ones business, and then I went back to bed.
What a great start to my day. I gangstered the fuck out of the rest of this day. It truly was the best part of waking up … and I mean that from the bottom of my icy fucking heart.
Why are you looking at my blog with that face? Are you upset that I find sick pleasure from morning ass whoopins? If so, are you new? If you knew anything about me as a parent, this comes with a great deal of build up. Ass whoopin’s are earned. I don’t just whoop ass for the sake of doing so. I do it to make sure it means something. So yeah, you are God damned right there is pleasure there.
I am considering waking this little shit up with morning ass whoopins for the duration of his punishment.
Say I won’t.
Also, I have a TMIT (Shot out to Lilu) for you. It is not my TMIT (thank god) but I was forced to be a part of it today at lunchtime.
Wanna hear it? Hear it goes.
Today on the way to lunch, I had to stop on the 1st floor to pee. It literally hit me when we got on the elevator. So I walk into the bathroom and enter this conversation:
Random Girl: (IN THE FUCKING STALL) “Hi I would like to place an order for pick up.”
(Pause)
Random Girl: “I would like the super nacho’s please … mmmhm … chicken … uhh no … I do not want sour cream. … Mmmmhm extra cheese please ….”
And then, as if it doesn’t get any grosser, she pushed and some poop hit the water.
Random Girl: “Can I get the total?”
Me: (silently LMFAO) “FLUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
Oh yes the fuck I did flush the toilet while she was on the phone. I hope they heard the echo too.
Who in the motherfuck thinks about what food they want to eat while taking a shit? Really? Like … is it just not possible to make that call before or AFTER you poop? I just do not understand the phone talking while going to the bathroom as it is, but ordering food?! REALLY?
Ugh. Bitches are nasty. N A S T Y. I washed my hands rrreeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaalllly slow too so that she had no choice but to face my Wicked self.
The end.
What is your MOST forbidden fantasy?
Do you like to cuddle after sex?
Would you rather have sex with a regular sized guy and a small dick or a midget with a big one?
Tags: ass whoopin, bed, folgers, mommy, Parenting, punishment, sleep
Apparently … (A Blog About Xavier and his Ass-Whoopin)
Oct 20, 2009 All Things X, Current Events, Parenting, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms
… Xavier thinks like I am the one.
He is in so much trouble that it is stupid.
Why? Oh let me fill you the fuck in.
Last week he partook in a discussion with some skanky little 3rd grade girl who thought she was cute when she approached Xavier and his friend and offered him a blow job to be his girlfriend. Yes you read that correctly. He thought it was H.I.L.A.R. to repeat this offer over and over again in his outside voice.
Right. I already know. He got a really tiny pass on this one.
So yesterday, he wakes me up on my day to sleep in to ask me for some money to get this book at the Book Fair. I told him that I would write him a check for the next day. When I got home, he bum-rushes me.
X: “Hi. So my teacher gave me a $10 gift certificate to the book fair today. I was able to get my book!”
Me: “Did she give all of the kids gift certificates?”
X: “Uh no…”
Me: “Why did she give it to you?”
X: “I don’t know, she just did.”
Me: “Bullshit.”
X: “Huh?”
Me: “Try again. I don’t believe you.”
X: “Uhhh well what really happened …”
Me: “Here we go…”
X: “My frend gave it to me. He didn’t want it.”
Me: “Really Xavier?”
X: “What?”
Me: “Do I look new? Actually no. Get out of my face. You have til morning to tell me the truth or I am going to remove your ass from your body with my bare hand.”
D: “Ooooooh.”
The next day …
X: “Okay I am going to tell you the truth about what happened.”
Me: “Riiiiight. What?”
X: “Me and my friend saw this $10 bill blowing in the wind.”
Me: *snort* “Blowing in the wind.”
X: “Yeah, and we both grabbed it at the same time so we played rock, paper, scissors to see who could keep it and I won. I lied because I knew you would be mad because I didn’t turn it in to the office.”
Me: “The fucked up thing is Xavier, I told you I would buy you this book and you just could not wait for one more day. Now there is all of this drama that you brought on. Not 1 lie … not 2 lies … 3 god damn lies. For what? Get out of the car.”
So I call the principal on the way home and leave him a message to try and get to the bottom of this $10 fiasco. 2 hours later he calls me with Xavier in his office.
Ask me if the reason he was in the office for why I called. G’head. The answer is a big fat no. He was actually in the office for 2 reasons completely different.
1st recess: He was swinging the excess of his belt around by his junk pretending that it was his cock.
2nd recess: He approached a group of girls and offered to pull his pants down so they could see it.
Um. I would like to remind all of you that I am in fact not the fucking one.
Xavier has no recess until further notice.
Xavier is in the process of boxing up all of his shit. ALL . OF . IT . until further notice.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnd Xavier is getting a mommy first thing in the morning ass whoopin. Right after his shower.
Creative parenting is coming. I don’t fully know what exactly yet. But it is is coming.
You just motherfucking wait.
P.S. A quick pillow talk:
Me: “Ooooh. SoNSo got busted.”
D: “Uh-oh. Doin what?”
Me: “Creepin’.”
D: “Damn. Really?”
Me: “SoNSo is in the dog house.”
D: “Ooooh.”
Me: “Um. Like you don’t know about dog house.”
D: “I don’t know how NOT to be in the dog house.”
Me: (Laughing out loud) “HA HA HA HA!”
D: “I speak truth.”
Me: “Good one babe.”
Would you rather travel back in time to the year 500 B.C or meet the queen of Eygpt?
Would you rather eat 5 rotten cheese slices or lick a dirty toilet?
Have you ever been caught masturbating?
Honest Tuesday’s — 1
Oct 19, 2009 Current Events, Honest Tuesday's, Out of Wicked's Mouth, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked Wisdoms, love
As I have approached and now recently hit 30 I have realized something about myself.
I prefer to leave options open. I am married. I get it. I love my husband. Buuuuuuuuuut, it is enjoyable to know 100% that I could possibly have sex with another individual if I wanted to.
I know. This is wrong on so many different levels.
Listen. It is what it is. If I am convinced in my own Wicked head that you would fuck me, or you display Iwouldfuckyourbrainsout behaviors around/to me … I am not going to burst your bubble and tell you it will never happen. That is plain rude.
Who am I to tell you who you can and cannot fuck anyway?
Furthermore, as much as I adore my husband, nothing is ever 100% forever. What if something crazy happened? Define crazy? Does death and dismemberment sound crazy? What if he simply gets tired of my face and leaves me? What if I decide that I am a lesbian and not bisexual?
All I am saying is that if my knowing what you know and you knowing that I know is all that we know, then who is it hurting?
I am sure that many of you who know me in “real life” are all like “duh this is not new information Courtni” and some of you might be calling D right now to be all like “dang D your wife is a bigfatslutwhore-faceteasepants” because I has officially written a blog about the fact that I have had knowledge of a person wanting to fuck me and not squashing the thought first-hand.
Whatever if you do.
Whatever if you are judging my very moral existence.
Fine.
It goes with the territory of saying what everyone is thinking but no one wanting to admit that they are thinking it. Or doing it for that matter.
My point is that people want to fuck people. It is human nature. People, no matter how hard they try to suppress it, think about fucking other people all the time. Now that I am 30, comfortable in my own skin, comfortable in my marriage I am all about just being fucking honest about shit.
Tuesday’s honest moment: Allowing another individual think that they might have a chance to see my vagina for purely selfish and egotistical reasons.
Would you like to share with me in a moment of honesty on this fine Tuesday?
Who was your first celebrity crush?
Have you ever had sex with someone out of pity?
Tags: death and dismemberment, fuck, honesty, human nature, husband, Sex
I’m No Punk, Bitch! (i.e. Off One.)
Oct 18, 2009 Friendship, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., bitch
Happy Monday! How was your weekend? Mine was pretty freaking awesome actually.
When I was younger … oh … say 10 years ago … if one would have asked me what the ideal Friday night was, I bet $100 that spending mine snuggled up with my beautiful family would not have ranked top 3 on my list. In fact, a decade ago I would have laughed in your face if you would have predicted that I would be married with 2 kids … I probably would have laughed in your face.
That is how my Friday was spent. Snuggled and warmed.
Saturday though? Not so snuggled. At least, not the evening anyway. For the first time in months, D, Tarable and I were able to get dolled and go hit the town together. I love going out with the 2 of them. There is never any drama, and we are all reaaaaally pretty when we get pretteh-fied.
So that is what we did. Pretty alcohol induced people. Shiny Happy People. With nice tits and a hot black man on our arm. D cleans up really nice I tell you.
We get to the bar and there weren’t many people there. I was kinda stoked because the first bar we went to was so packed that it was stupid. Within 20 minutes, there were so many people in this bar that I couldn’t breathe. It’s cool though. We had a blast. I met a cool cat while watching this dick-fuck bartender serve everyone BUT me who provided really great conversation.
The best 3 things that happened at the bar:
1) As I was leaning on a chair in conversation with the guy mentioned previously, (still waiting for my drink might I add) this dumb cunt slid into the chair that I had claimed as mine over an hour beforehand. Not only did she try to seat jack me, she also thought she was going to get a drink before me.
I would like to quickly mention the fact that this is a prime example of someone assuming that I am the one when in fact I am not.
What do I do?
Me: *taptaptap*on her shoulder “Um. Really?”
Her: “What?”
Me: “This is my seat.”
Her: “How do you figure?”
Me: “Well, consider the facts 1) you are sitting on my purse 2) I have been sitting on it off and on for over an hour and 3) I am leaning on it.
Her: “It didn’t look like you were gonna sit back down.”
Me: “Did you ask me?”
Her: “Ask you what?”
Me: “You said it didnt look like I was gonna sit back down but did you bother to ask me?”
Her: “No. I didnt.”
Me: “Wellllllll if you would have I would have told you that I was going to because it is my chair.”
Her: “Wow. Well how about I give you your chair back and sit in this empty one right next to you.”
Me: “That sounds like a GREAT idea actually. You should sit next to me. Because I am AWESOME.”
The look on her face was priceless. The looks on her friends faces were even better. What has happened to how bitches roll out in public? If that would have been me or one of my bitches who were getting blatantly punked like that in front of folks, I would not have stood for it. The bitches I roll with are prepared to pull nails off, earrings … drop to bare feet so that the stiletto heels are available to use as weapons if need be.
It is a prerequisite of how I roll. I don’t need some weak scaredy cat fucking bitch in my group. This goes directly along with me not being the one.
2) The fucking douchebag that thought it was acceptable to come up behind me and cup my vagina.
Yes you read that correctly. Some fucking drunk asshole came behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist and made his way down to my vagina to cup it. And then didn’t quite understand why 1) I was mad, 2) I shoved the fucking shit out of him after he tried to touch me again and 3) had him physically removed from the bar.
Do I look like the bitch that accepts a strange vagina cupper? With no introduction? With no conversation? What is this world coming to?
3) When I saved my friends ass from another mans ass.
After peeing and powdering my nose like a girly girl does, I come back to my seat where my friend and her husband were keeping them warm.
Him: “Do you see this guy behind me? He is trying to share a seat with me.”
Me: “You dont know this guy?”
Him: “Fuck NO!”
Me: “I got your back friend.”
So I smile at the assclown who obviously has no sense of personal space and shove my pretty ass between his and my friends.
Me: “Oooh. I am SO sorry.”
AssClown: “Are you fucking serious? I am not moving.”
Me: “Thats okay. I will just move you.”
AssClown: “That is doubtful.”
Me: “Ok.”
That is why I moved his ass out of the motherfucking way. He had to ask these 2 bitches to move their seats down so he would have room. *grin*
I WIN!
I won’t mention (or maybe I will) how Tara fell out of the bathroom stall while I was peeing or how I stood on the bar stool trying to get the bartenders attention because he was serving everyone around us but ignored our very existence. I also won’t mention (lies) how Tarable and I were wrestling like drunkards or bum fights and I flipped her ass over the top of me onto the floor and she got mad and pouted about it.
Good times. We were definitely off one all night. It was almost a make up for the fact that I was not invited with enough time to plan for the DC trip this weekend. I may or may not be bitterly butthurt about it still.
New York or California? Why?
Do you collect anything? What?
What was the worst rumor that was ever spread about you?
Would you rather publish your diary or make a movie on your most embarrassing moment?
Tags: bar, drunk, going out, pretty, tarably wicked
