YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Sep 24, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, You've Got Wicked Mail
Happy Friday! WOOOOOOOOOO!
This week has been my first week on the floor of my new mystery job. I will say that it isn’t as easy as I hoped but it has also been such a kick ass challenge … that I am happy that it is not easy. I am forced on my tippy-toes all day every day. By the end of the day I am dead to the world.
Anyway, I haz letters.
Dear Same Jehovah Witness:
Um, no. I slammed the door in your face. So, when you see me at Walgreens, it is NOT a good time to talk to me about my belief or disbelief in God or Baby Jesus. The fact that you started the sentence with “I remember you, I bet we are neighbors” didn’t make me any more fuzzy about your fucking face in my face.
Furthermore, if you plan on having your face in someone else’s face, chew gum. K?
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Dear D,
You are the best house husband ever.
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Dear Same Pants Guy,
WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I almost fell out of my chair when you walked by me with different pants on yesterday. Thank you. I was worried that you actually thought it would be acceptable to actually continue to wear them forever. Because it isn’t. Ever.
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Dear Sheesha,
Playing “Boom I Got Your Boyfriend” doesn’t make your fantasy that Jax is your man truth. I am sorry that Jax is mine and you are stalking him “reee reee reee” styles … but I think it might be time to throw in the towel. K? K.
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Dear Charli and Xavier,
I miss you. This new schedule is hectic but I know that in the long run it will be worth it. Bear with me.
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Dear DC Bitches and Just A Girl,
Fuck. You. Sideways. I am so butthurt, bitter and angry that I am missing this “shindig”. Like, I don’t want to talk to any of you for like 5 minutes after forever.
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Dear Ron Jeremy,
Um, rechargeable means just that. RE CHAA RRR GGG EEE AAA BBB LLL EEE. Don’t make me fucking grab the definition for your ass. This shit you sent me is 1) Not strong enough and 2) NOT RECHARGEABLE. How in the fuck are you gonna act like it is? If I wanted some cheap-o vibrator I would have walked to the Lover’s Package by my house and bought one there.
Boooooooooo Ron Jeremy on the false advertisement. Motherfucking Boo. My clitoris is not a happy customer. She would like me to let you know that she will not be a repeat customer and you just lost $67775689908923456.00 worth of business.
Yeah Ron Jeremy, my clitoris is an avid and experienced masturbator. It requires top of the line equipment, and a level of royalty that most cannot handle. You have failed my clitoris, Ron Jeremy. VIBRATORFAIL!
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Dear 10 pounds of douche in a 5 pound bag,
I. Don’t. Fucking. Like. You.
It isnt a joke. I am not kidding when I say that you are a fucking tool. How about get out of my face and get on the phone. How about you are late to work every day and it is only week 2? How about no one wants to talk to you and your Cougar banner sucks? How about your jokes are not funny? Howwwwwwwww about get out of my almonds without asking me first, grabbing my shit like we are friends and I okayed it. Pretty sure I didn’t. Pretty sure that I would rather you just take the whole fucking bag and not give me peehandalmonds back. I dont like my own pee hands, so why in the fuck would I want your nasty, germy, pee-y hands on my almonds?
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Eye Candy.
By popular demand, I give you L.L. Cool J:
He is the Godiva of man chocolate. As gourmet as it gets. Get naked LL. Get naked and let me fuck your face off while watching your beautiful body in the mirror while I do so. I promise that I will fuck your face back on just as good and you wont protest one iota as I repeat the process.
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, jehovas witness, ll cool j, open letter, ron jeremy
September 24th, 2009 at 23:27
I wholeheartedly approve of this week’s eye candy… and the eye candy’s song… ;o)
Seems like you have a lot of interesting stories percolating at your new POE. I look forward to next week’s letters and seeing the progress of single.pants.man and grabby-touchy-feely-no-no-man, too.
Hope you get some rest this weekend, Courtni..
LivingWicked Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 23:37
I am glad you agree. He is a timeless hottie for sure.
September 24th, 2009 at 23:27
Dear Game Player,
Enough is enough is enough … Knock it the fuck off and stop trying to goad me into making a move we will both end up regretting.. make a choice and be sure about it and then we can talk …
Thanks…
Non-Game Player
LivingWicked Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 23:39
I am not a fan of game players.
Kylie Reply:
September 25th, 2009 at 01:10
It drives me nuts… It’s a situation which is just a complete case of wrong time wrong place… the problem is it seems that the gap between right time right place, and wrong time wrong place literally seems to have been a matter of weeks.. fucking timing…
September 25th, 2009 at 02:06
LL works well!
Dear Sleep,
Hi! Try ignoring the snoring husband once in your life, K?
Anne Reply:
September 25th, 2009 at 02:11
Dear Big Name At My Favorite Scrappy Site:
I was beyond thrilled earlier this month to find out that I had won a little prize from you by random drawing. I love scrappy goodies and the news came at the perfect moment to really perk me up for quite some time. You asked for my address and I gave it. While patience is not my strong suit, I waited a couple weeks before following up to confirm you had at least seen my address. Thanks for confirming that; BUT are you ever going to follow through?
Curious
September 25th, 2009 at 03:13
LL is a pretty, pretty man.
Dear Parental Units,
You Suck. And no, you don’t get to bitch about ANYTHING because YOU AREN’T PAYING FOR ANYTHING.
Squish
Dear DumbShit,
You are fucking retarded. When two people fight EVERY SINGLE DAY, for HOURS at a time…. When they bitch about each other constantly… When they cannot find a single good thing to say about each other, ever… it’s not love. It’s not HEALTHY. Give it up. Give each other the chance to find a happy love, one that builds you up instead of tearing you down. And stop pretending she’s not cheating on you. I think we all know better.
Squish
Dear Squish,
Wow. You are a cunty bitch in your head, with no reason or provocation. Knock it the fuck off. Or be cunty bitch out loud, but stop being a hypocrite.
Your Self
September 25th, 2009 at 04:18
I’m not ranting at all today…which surprises me with the PMS-y craptasic mood I’ve been in all week!
i chuckled when I read Squish ’say’ cunty bitch….heheheheheheh
I DO have a few letters, though
Dear margarita,
your cold, refreshedness was EXACTLY what I needed last night. your tangy goodness on my lips put all right with the world…marry me, please, so that I never have to give you up!
Dear Chips and Salsa,
Please see above note to Margarita
Dear Gym,
I’m coming baby, I just had to work out a few financial details, next week, I promise!
Dear friends,
MUAH! the end
Dear San Jacinto River,
I will see you tomorrow. I’m really hoping this time you decide it would be nice to give up a few fish, but just sitting by you banks puts me at ease…of course the rum/bourbon help a good bit as well! lol
Dear mood,
thank you for leaving me and going on to the next victim.
ALL SIGNED
CASSIE
September 25th, 2009 at 05:56
Dear managers at work,
When an employee slipped and fell yesterday, not one of you three right next to her did your jobs. You sure didn’t write a report. You didn’t ask if she was okay. You actually made fun of her and laughed when she said she wasn’t okay.
I went to your office and procured two band-aids for her elbow and knee and apologized to her for your behavior.
And then we sent texts to each other like every 5 minutes for the rest of the day until we fell asleep.
Dear Hollywood,
I really do wanna take a time out and sit down and watch a good movie. Fucking make one.
Dear Gym Membership,
I got you. You are mine. Help me get in shape. My first day in you taught me I am sooo out of shape.
Dear old asshole,
Get out of my life and stop being a five year old. Your bitchy tantrums to everyone but who you are mad at are making everyone hate you. And they do. Go away.
Der my friend,
I know you aren’t happy and just wanna drink yourself to death, but you have a really, really long way to go. You have only just begun to fall. If you could look at yourself now five years from now, you would just see how well off you are and quit downing so much whiskey each night. You dumb ass. She isn’t coming back and she wasn’t good for you in the first place. The only proof that she ever loved you is that she left you.
Dear bedroom,
Why are you so messy? Do I really have that many clothes. There are three hampers in this one room, so why are the floors covered in clothes? You and the Gym have been talking about what lazy bitch I am, haven’t you?
September 25th, 2009 at 06:07
LOVE the eye candy this week! LL is so HAWT!
Dear Wicked,
I love you & I <3 your blogs. They make my day/week.
Dear Headache,
I wish you would GO AWAY. It has been almost a week already – you still can't be bitching about the cigarette smoke you sat in for 3 hours to celebrate the FIL's birthday.
Dear Knee,
Thank you for not hurting as much the last week. Hopefully this means you are on the way to permanent healing. Yay!
Dear Spouse,
I hope you are in a better mood when I get home from work. I'm tired of your grouchiness. You should be grateful you are at home & not still in the hospital. Quit being such an ass.
Dear Mask,
Stop leaving the rash on my face, it is very unbecoming. I'm grateful that you help me sleep though.
Dear Car,
Please be patient, I will have someone change your oil soon I promise.
Dear Cherokee,
I'm tired of the 'tude. I know that you are a teenager & that comes with the territory but Really?! Do you have to fly off the handle at all the smallest things? You need to be more respectful to your grandmother & parents.
Dear Facebook,
Stop feeding my addiction to applications. I'm grateful that you've allowed me a place to hook up with family I haven't seen in years but please stop feeding my addiction to the farm applications – really – how much time do you think I have at work to play?
Dearest Wicked,
Thanks for letting me vent! Sorry it's so long & so many, lol. I really needed this I think.
Signed,
Yours Truly,
Flora
September 25th, 2009 at 06:43
I’m a guy.
You lost me on this whole “clitoris” thing.
Whatever that is.
September 25th, 2009 at 08:25
Dear Family,
Sorry i’ve been all grouchy/bitchy/cranky/whiny/bawling/pathetic the last coupla days. It’s passing, I promise.
Dear Bigass Spider and Family
Step foot in my house and you are SMASHIED. Got three of you ugly mofo’s this week. who’s next HUH??
YEAH. That’s what I THOUGHT.
Dear Oldest.
so.damn.proud of you.
Dear Baby.
srsly? terrible 2 tantrums already? *sigh*
Dear You.
ya srsly need to do what you said you would. i’ve been extremely patient and restrained myself from a conversation neither of us wants. getacluealready.
Dear ladies.
I miss your face. your presence. your aura and the feel of your soul around me. It makes me sad.
September 25th, 2009 at 09:07
Dear PMS,
GTFO already. I’m DONE with you.
-Jaime
September 25th, 2009 at 11:00
ive thought LL cool J was hot years ago.. yummy
September 25th, 2009 at 17:44
Dear Asshat,
So,I ran your business and kept my word to do so while you were overseas. I lost my fucking job keeping my word to you. Now, you are evicting me and my two children eight months early? Really, you and your bitch ass wife think that is fair in some universe?
I never would have moved into your home, spent the money I did making improvements and repairs, etc., had I thought for a second you would be a pansy ass liar. Thanks so much, I have already dealt with enough liars in my life.
Dear Asshats Property Manager,
You have no right to treat me like shit. I sent you checks you have not cashed. You tell me you have turned it over to an attorney and you are suing to get me out of the house? Really? Well, I think I should have the right to know if you or your attorney plan to cash my checks now or later. If I’m not mistaken, I will have SIXTY days from the date I finally get served with papers. How brilliant of you to pay an attorney, when all I asked for was to wait three more weeks.
Jeebus, you and your clients are dumb asses. Take me to court and trust me, you are all going to look like dumb shits, for the record. I have papers, promises, good faith and PICTURES of every damn improvement I’ve made to this property, APPROVED by the owner long before he and his wife hired your firm.
Dear People who preach it and don’t live it…
It’s not just me you have hurt. You are hurting others. You are hurting yourself. This breaks my heart for them, and for you.
September 26th, 2009 at 15:36
Woman. Quit yo bitchin and
GET YOUR ASS TO DC NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 27th, 2009 at 17:40
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for that delicious piece of eye candy that is the all-fuckin-hott LL Cool J……..I totally agree with your ideas for him because I would lock him up and do all you said and more. hang in there with the job girl, you can dooooo it!!!! And listen to LiLu and get yo ass out there….you will need some party time with your crazy schedule!!!!!
September 27th, 2009 at 17:41
P.S. should be ordering the book this week….can’t wait!!!!
September 27th, 2009 at 19:43
omg, i love him, lOOOOOVVE HIM