TMIThursday: SpiderPee
Sep 2, 2009 Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Sex, TMI Thursday's, Yum... or Lack There Of.
Hello my TMIT gluttons for punishment!
You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit.
If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs…
Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday….
Look. I am fucking G A N G S T E R. This is not new information. If you are reading this, you already know. And if you don’t … well you should get IN the know because it is truth and preach and some ah-motherfucking-men. But, just like Superman has kryptonite … so does Wicked. Mine comes in the form of an 8legged freak.
Since I was little I have been petrified of all things spider. Like paralyzingly afraid. In my opinion, all the spiders of the world have me on their radars … and they send spidey signals out wherever I am so that these little motherfuckers stalk me.
Whatever. Shut up.
Anyway, a long time ago … back in my Navy days (duh) I came this close —> | | to being defeated by the W.S.O. (World Spider Orginization) <-- that shit is REAL. REAL I SAY.
Let me set the scene.
Picture a dark apartment living room, piled full of all of us who don’t have our own apartments near the base. Most of us slept on the ship to save money, so it was essential to make a single friend who had an apartment. It was movie night. I couldn’t tell you what the flick was … but it was one where couples and fuck buddies alike snuggled next to each other.
I was sitting on my “friend’s” lap. I had this beautiful smoke grey angora sweater on. He and I hadn’t fucked yet… so I was in the process of several different pussy games with him in anticipation of the big small and very short lived event. The game was, I grind you and look all sexy but if you touch me … I will fuck you up.
So we were sitting there, totally interested thinking about fucking each other when I noticed movement on my torso.
Me(whispering): “get your dick beaters off of my stomach!”
Him: (raising his hands above his head) “Wha? My hands are right here!”
Me: “then what the fuck is on my sweater!? OMGITSASPIDERONMYSWEATERITSASPIDERONMYSTOMACHGETTHATSHIT!”
Picture me trying to shake my sweater with HIS hands … not mine in a completely spastic manner.
Him: “Uh… You spilled something…. Waaaaaait.’
Me: “What?”
Him: “YOU JUST PEED ON ME.”
Me: “I didnt pee.”
(I knew I peed when it happened. I just didn’t say shit. I hoped none or not a lot got on him. Honestly, I hoped that he wouldn’t notice.)
Him: “Turn on the lights. TURN ON THE LIGHTS!”
*queue light switch sound and some gasps at our wet crotches*
His entire crotch was soaked. MY entire crotch was soaked.
The spider? Had disa-fucking-ppeared. <-- FML!!!!!!!!!!!
Him: “You peed on me about an imaginary spider.”
Me: “IT WAS NOT IMAGINARY.”
Him: “You wanna know what is DEFINITELY not imaginary? YOUR PISS ON MY CROTCH.”
Me: “Whatever. There WAS a spider.”
He obviously wasn’t that mad. He washed our pants and we still ended up fucking. Too bad his dick was as small as micromachines. And his stamina was non-existent. It might have made a GREAT wedding toast story.
More importantly: 1 W.S.O. / 0 Wicked
September 2nd, 2009 at 20:25
hahahaha
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 20:26
biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch.
September 2nd, 2009 at 20:32
i fucking HATE spiders. I scream in the bathroom and dan will litterally bolt in to rescue me. This one time….one came down like two inches from my head while I was sitting in the computer chair. I cried for like 15 minutes while he held me. He totally got a bj for it. God I’m itchy just thinking about spiders. They make my fucking SKIN CRAWL. And yes, I watched Arachnophobia IN THE THEATER. *shivers*
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 20:34
Do you remember the blog I wrote when I was pregnant with Charli? When the spider was in my towel and it rand down my leg?
Um I STILL shake my towels and clothes out beforehand.
Justice Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 20:41
Yes!! I remember that shit. I’m always looking in the shower and shit. I don’t know why but it’s like the bathroom is the worst place for them to me.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 21:49
I fucking HATE spiders.
IslandBlue Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 15:24
Maybe because you are naked in the bathroom? I’m always scared of spiders, but especially when I’m naked. Like I’m more vulnerable to their horrible little spider weapons or something. Just as irrational as being scared of them in the first place, but whatever.
One of those fuckers trapped me in my tub room for 15 minutes one day when no one was home. I was naked, cold and pissed at myself for being such a wimp.
So I can walk around alone down a dark trail in the woods where big, mean ol’ bears are known to live, armed with nothing but a flashlight 14-year old singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat as loud as she can, but I can’t walk past a bug that could be crushed by a good-sized shoe?
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 19:24
You did not just say “singing Row, Row, Row your boat.” HJAHHAHAHAHA
September 2nd, 2009 at 20:33
oh yeah, and BTW….when I was doing my move out, cleaning behind the stove and shit, there was this HUGE BLACK FUCKER. I was using my hot steam machine and fried his fucking ass.
Jgirl 1 / W.S.O. 0
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 20:34
You BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!
Justice Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 20:42
Of COURSE I believe! Those little fuckers are out to get me and EAT ME!!
September 2nd, 2009 at 20:50
Bwahahaha!
Keep all critter crawlers away from me please…no – PLEASE! I once bent over as a teen and was like, “whats that on my shoe?” Tried to flick it off and it was a f-ing Katydid that then proceeded to attach itself to my hand and somehow get caught in my hair! Have ya seen my hair?!?!? I gots lots!…I was literally bawling as my dad helped me get it out.
Same with mice…I’m sorry…when you’re poor in Boston working an AmeriCorps salary and you find out you have one (and 1=2 dozen) in your apartment eating all your pantry food…it is not FUCKING CUTE! They’re dirty little mother fuckers and I hate’em.
I’m going to go shower now!
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 21:03
Is this where the city mouse vs. country mouse came from? ROFL
Meghan Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 21:06
City mouse was crawling around in front of me on my subway trip home tonight…with his condom and onion ring!
Although my nickname from my dad is ‘Mouse’…I hate ‘em. I had one run across my foot while volunteering at a homeless shelter recently, and I nearly lost my shit. Did the whole hands shaking so grossed out dance!
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 21:46
We don’t deal with mice much around here. Not in the ‘burbs.
David Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 21:08
Meghan. I am not afraid of spiders, but I hate a fucking mouse. Hate. Hate. Hate.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 21:47
Sooo… Rubber mice no likey?
David Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 04:23
I have one of those. Doesn’t bother me.
Just rubber.
Not diseased rodent.
September 2nd, 2009 at 20:55
[...] rest is here: TMIThursday: SpiderPee Share and [...]
September 2nd, 2009 at 21:10
Hate mice. Spider’s aren’t so bad. Not a fan, but not freaked out like I am with mice.
You peed on that dude and then made sex with his tiny junk. Hahahaha.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 21:47
I SAID NO POINTING AND LAUGHING! lmfao
Carol Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 01:19
this just cracked me up. outloud.
i am imagining the look on your face in past days when you were *possibly* disappointed in ahem, man part size.
David Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 04:24
Oh, sweetheart. I’m not pointing.
Just A Girl Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 05:45
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that’s the best comment ever!
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:30
No one even asked you.
David Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 21:04
Thanks, Justa. It’s truly an honor. I’d like to thank my parents and everyone at The PQ Nation and, of courtse, I couldn’t have done it without Wicked’s vulvandmore which did all the work. Hear that little guy? We did it! Thanks.
David Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 21:05
By the way, I am looking at the cold still body of the aforementioned mouse. I went fucking Clint Eastwood on his ass.
September 2nd, 2009 at 22:16
hohoho you poor thing. I just showered with a spider the other day. yeah, we had an unspoken pact between us that if he stays out of my comfort bubble, I’ll agree not to kick the living shit out of him. well, I guess he got a little bored and decided to test me. so I sent his ass on a fucking white water rafting trip down the drain. little bastard…
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 22:41
You are better than me. We dont share space. KNOWINGLY anyway. If I know a mofoer is in my general vicinity… it dies. The end.
September 2nd, 2009 at 22:19
Oh man, I seriously love you!! This is hilarious.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 22:42
September 3rd, 2009 at 02:23
I am totally with you on the spider thing…I HATE them… I never liked them much but was ok until one day when I walked into my bedroom to the sight of a giant huntsman spider (non venomous but they can grow to ridulous sizes) on my pjs .. at the time my little sister had a rubber spider that looked remarkably like this one that she liked to leave around the place… I thought this was it.. I went to grab it and it fucking moved… I closed my bedroom door, went into the living room and closed that door and then waited 3 hours for my Dad to get home and kill it… even now, I can’t go near a spider – if one ventures in my neighbour is summoned to get rid of it for me… which actually means my phobia becomes a positive cos he’s one of the hottest men I know hahaha
and for the record… I will maintain that Arachnophobia is the scariest movie I have ever seen ..
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:31
I will maintain the same thing.
September 3rd, 2009 at 02:29
Dude, I’m the main spider hunter (and wasp hunter.. etc) in my house… cuz while i’m not happy they decided to come visit.. I ain’t skeered. They may catch me off guard and I may get surprised by size occasionally.. but *shrug* The only thing that freaks me out bug wise.. is if I happen to catch movement IN MY BED. I will not sleep all freaking night. even after getting up, lights on, stripping bed, everything. I don’t wanna know one is lurking waiting for me to sleep to come n crawl in my space. I’d guess you say I’m an anti-WSO operative.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:32
Have you been sent here to protect me?
September 3rd, 2009 at 04:53
1) I have maintained for YEARS that there is a worldwide Bug Initiative to take over our planet and exterminate the humans. Anything with more than four legs is obviously a mutation. A freak of nature that was never intended…and they know it. It’s a race against time to see whether the humans or the bugs can exterminate the other first.
2) I was told every night for damn near eight years that if I didn’t close my window, one of the Banana Spiders would get into my room, bite me and I’d die. There are not words for how terrified of them I am. Just talking about them makes me want another shower.
3) Because Gromyt told me, and I need someone else to know my pain: Apparently, at no point in your life are you ever any more than eight feet from a spider. Or, in other words, there is always a spider within eight feet of you. ALWAYS. I didn’t sleep for a week and a half when she told me.
4) Mice are cute. Rats are not.
5) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA You pee’d on him first and are still making fun of his cocksize years later. Poor guy.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:36
1) This is reason #5759072343 that we are meant to be sisters from other misters.
2) Uhhh.
3) This is absolutely inappropriate. Gromyt should be slapped in the mouth.
4) Agreed.
5) Shonuff did.
Gromyt Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 14:30
I only told her because she was being mean to me. My evil, let me show you it.
And I STILL lose sleep over said fact…motherfucking spiders…too many god damn legs…
People who don’t get it, never will, but spiders, man, see, they can GET YOU. And they WILL GET YOU.
I have…
1) leapt from the drivers seat of my truck OUT the passenger side door because a small brown spider was on my seatbelt.
2) found one on my sock and shook my sock so violently it killed the spider – my grandmother claimed I scared it to death
I have 3 reactions when I see a spider and am alone:
1) scream like a wee girl/cry and run in the opposite direction
2) scream like a wee girl/cry and curl up into the fetal position
3) scream like a wee girl/cry and attack said spider with a fury unknown to man until it is a smudge upon our plane of existence.
**really all of those apply to arthropods in general – there is some damn funny security tape footage at my office i’m sure, of me dancing and crying and screaming my way into the elevator because of the gang (YES GANG) of daddy-long-legs that have taken to hanging out in the lobby at 6:45am**
I fucking hate spiders. I can’t even stand cartoon and fake spiders. UGH.
Fucking evil monsters.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 14:50
We need to put this god damned security video on youtube and make millions.
David Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 21:17
The daddy-long-legs, often reported as THE most poisonous spider in the world but does not have the ability to get said poison through the epidermis of a human being, is not poisonous, is completely harmless and is not even a spider.
I have one that lives in my shower. He does my back for me.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 21:21
I am not a fan of your mean taunting.
David Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 21:49
Wha? How is reporting that this thing is not really a spider and is not really poisonous taunting you or being mean? I’m not mean. Especially to the people I adore. And you are on the list.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 22:15
gotcha.
September 3rd, 2009 at 05:08
the World Spider Organization is for real. and it is still active. we must defeat it.
any insect that makes you piss yourself is clearly better off dead.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:44
We MUST defeat it or it will take over the world.
Agreed. Fucker.
September 3rd, 2009 at 05:08
[...] LivingWicked’s TMIThursday: SpiderPee [...]
September 3rd, 2009 at 05:15
Spiders ARE nasty bugs………but my biggest fear is COCKROACHES!
They are horrid, nasty, disgusting bugs. I cant stand tham at all!!
Ya know, I cant even eat pecan pie because of them? Ya, so when you squish a cockroach, it looks EXACTLY like the filling in pecan pie! (sorry to any of you who eat that!) I cant even look at a piece of pecan pie without having flashbacks of when I was a kid.
I grew up in Vegas, down there they call cockroaches, “waterbugs”….whatever, same fucking thing!
They were ALL over outside, but when my mom & dad seprated, we got an apartment that was infested! Really, you couldnt get up at night without ~ crunch~ crunch~ crunch~ and when you turn on the light……THEY SCATTER~!
Never, ever, ever, again will I live where there are cockroaches!
Ok, now that I have made myself sick thinking about it, Im gonna go puke!
Donna
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:45
Ok that is nasty. NASTY.
September 3rd, 2009 at 05:18
I’m somewhat surprised that you didn’t blame the pee on the spider.
I’m not surprised that you’re still calling out some dude for bad sex AFTER you pee’d on him.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:45
HAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
September 3rd, 2009 at 05:38
Crackin’ the fuck up over here, for real. I hate spiders too but have never been so freaked out that I peed myself. And sitting on his lap too! That shit is hilarious.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:48
I bet if one was all crawly on your tummy you would.
April Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:00
Probably.
My worst experience with spiders happened when I lived in Small Town America. I was so flippen’ happy to have my own place that I took the deal offered by the landlord, no security deposit if I cleaned it up from the last tenant. The place wasn’t really dirty so it wasn’t a bad deal but with no cleaning, means they didn’t spray either. This area of Missouri is known for brown recluse spiders. I opened the shower curtain and there were HUNDREDS of those little evil fuckers in that shower.
I didn’t pee myself that day but I sure as hell screamed and ran like I’ve never run in all my life. Took 5 damn showers (elsewhere) to make my skin stop crawling.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:54
Oh we have brown recluse ones in certain parts of this state. EWEWEWEWEWEW.
September 3rd, 2009 at 05:49
I hate those fuckers. There was one in my room one night and I was on the phone with my boyfriend and came thisclose to making him drive over to my house to kill it. In the end I just sprayed it with hairspray until it died.
I can’t even vacuum up a dead spider, that’s how bad I am. I can’t kill one unless it’s with something that will kill it from a distance.
OH AND MOTHS? No. I will RELOCATE. I’ve slept in other rooms several times because of those bastards. Hate hate hate hate.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:49
D hates moths too. He is a scaredy cat. NOT AT ALL GANGSTER.
X is my bug killer. He handles BIZ.
Squish Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:57
<– has to put creepycrawlies under glasses and such til someone else can kill it. I have to know where it is, but damned if I'm getting close enough to kill it myself.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 09:17
You need an X.
Just A Girl Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 09:41
Me too. Can I borrow him?
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 09:44
Of course.
September 3rd, 2009 at 06:28
Haters! Spiders are your little army men with the 8 legs necessary to eat all the really nasty bugs you can’t see that would do far worse damage to you then the spider would. I think they’re misunderstood, but I think I am too. Perhaps that’s why we’ve got the bond we do. They do their job, and I’ll do mine, spreading the hippy love words about how great the unlikable creature is. Can’t we all just get along?
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:50
Nope. We cannot.
I see what side you are on. THE W.S.O.’s SIDE!
September 3rd, 2009 at 07:22
MICROMACHINES.
That just made. My. LIFE.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:51
*curtsy*
September 3rd, 2009 at 07:56
Lol, you have to pay extra for that action in some places. Just sayin.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:51
So you are saying he actually OWES me.
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:49
HAHAHAHA… the W.S.O. is brilliant… I like spiders, though… They eat mosquitoes… ;o)
I just can’t stand snnn – the slimy things that slither on the ground and have no legs… yeah, those things…. So, I understand your fear…
I believe in the W.S.O. for snnnn – those slimy things….
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:52
Mosquitoes are the debil.
September 3rd, 2009 at 08:58
gah! I have the creepy crawlies just thinking about spiders. I HATE them, HATE!!
When I was little I was in bed and felt a tickle at my legs, I pulled the covers over and there, right next to my leg was the biggest hairest mother fucker I have ever seen, I honesly don’t remember much after that, I probably screamed bloody murder, must have blocked the rest out.
but still to this day, I check the bed for spiders before getting in.
blech blech blech
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 09:15
I bet you peed a lil.
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:01
I can’t believe you peed on someone. This story is awesome!
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:05
You really can’t believe that? HAHA. Have we just met?
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:47
That is just too funny. I don’t mind spiders as long as they are big enough to see, but not so big they they are lifting weights…and I hate-HATE-wolf spiders…because those things can jump several feet straight up…..ew….
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:31
Yeah dude. Not the one.
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:10
My 2 cents. I HATE spiders. I have several stories about my near misses with the WSO. I can’t even kill a spider because I’m afraid it will jump on me while I’m trying to kill it. I’m at work with my skin crawling now. Thanks
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:53
*curtsy*
My job here is DONE.
September 3rd, 2009 at 12:24
Oh. Em. Gee.
The story is hysterical. The pictures made it AMAZING!
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 12:51
Thanks!
September 3rd, 2009 at 14:34
I wonder if he ever tells the story about the time this chick peed on him and it made his dick shrink….
LOL, I love TMI Thursdays.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 14:51
Of couuuuuuuuuurse it is my fault that he has a small penis.
HAHAHA. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAH
Tallulah Reply:
September 4th, 2009 at 22:41
^^^^^^^
BEST. COMMENT. OMG – ROFF!!!!!!!
September 3rd, 2009 at 15:34
I bet spiders have REALLY little penises (Or is that peni?) That’s probably why they are so aggressive. Stalking innocent people like us.
I’m not looking it up – you look it up. I’m scared of pictures of the damn things. Must carefully page past Natural Geographic articles about spiders without looking. Will hold my hand in front of my face if they are on TV while demanding a channel change.
Now I will probably have bad dreams because I’m thinking about them now. So, thanks for that.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 19:22
no. YOU look it up. Whoever smelt it dealt it.
Or… yeah.
September 3rd, 2009 at 15:36
So your blog totally made me ask myself “Do Spiders Pee?”
And so now I’m on some government list somewhere because of course I had to look it up.
And, because I know you wanna know, Google told me the answer:
“spiders have structures called malpighian tubules and function contained by a manner similar to our own kidneys. Spiders don’t produce urine, but produce uric acid, which is a near-solid. Spiders enjoy this alternate form of waste because they can’t afford to lose as much water as we do. These malpighian tubules drain into an pouch attached to the digestive tract (called a stercoral pocket) so the uric acid leftovers from the “kidneys” is combined and eliminated together beside solid waste from the digestive tract. In this sense, spiders don’t deposit separate feces and urine, but fairly a combined waste product that exits from one and the same opening (anus)”.”
THE MORE YOU KNOW.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 19:22
WOW.
You are like a cesspool of information. <– this is meant in the nicest way possible.
Tallulah Reply:
September 4th, 2009 at 22:43
Oh I am in love with Gromyt. IN. LOVE. My sides are aching.
September 4th, 2009 at 12:08
lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA Omg I just peed reading that!!!! hahahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!!
I totally forgot about micromachines! i had tons of them
LivingWicked Reply:
September 4th, 2009 at 13:45
September 4th, 2009 at 22:58
We have wolf spiders here that get as big as Buicks (and yes….the WSO is real…..be afraid…..be very afraid). Once before the ex and I got married we were fooling around in the living room. By the time we made it to his bedroom I was as naked as a jaybird – a little tipsy to boot. I went to dive into the bed right as he pulled the covers back to reveal the biggest effing wolf spider I’ve ever seen. I already had the momentum – couldn’t stop and went crashing into the wall and fell down between the bed and wall. Not exactly a ten on the sexy scale (but probably still better than the time I fell out of the shower and took his shower curtain with me). NEVER had sex in that bed again.
I caught one once in a big ziploc bag – zipped that puppy up and closed it up in a pimento jar. Checked on it daily waiting for it to die because I was afraid to take a chance on it getting away (it was so damn big it must have been a four star general in the WSO). Eventually it got so hungry it ate its own legs. Just call me Arachnobitch. *shudders*
I will not get a wink of sleep tonight thinking about the damn eight foot rule.
I can’t stop laughing – all these years later you’re still outing this guy for crappy sex…..COURT…..YOU PEED ON HIM.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 5th, 2009 at 23:58
My peeing on him was his PRE KARMA for the crappy sex.
Yep. I went there.