Pillow Talk – 1
Sep 1, 2009 Family, Masturbate-able, Random, Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, love
Lilu does “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says”. These installments … little fly on the wall moments … are blogs that I look forward to on a weekly basis.
Why? Because it is blog-reality. It is a peek into real life relationships. Real life love. No acting. It is my life … but in DC. And instead of kid brats, cat brats. I find myself going “holy fuck, I am not the only one?” during many a blog-read. I totally feel like a psycho, but whatever. Lilu is my DC other half and I am pretty sure I blog-crush her face.
(in a totally non-REE-REE-REE way of course)
Anyway, I insert random and totally inappropriate conversations all over my blogs between D and I. I figured it might just be awesome to steal Lilu’s idea and make it mine. I am pretty sure if she wants to fight me about it, I will grab my lime green kiddie pool and a shit ton of whipped cream and we would have it the fuck out.
Just saying.
So last night I am laying in bed, cozy … comfortable … snuggled in my blanket. D comes in, flipping on light switches, being all motherfucking loud like he does. So I sit up and I am watching him fuck around with the pillows. He is focused, making this … platform out of them. At first he doesn’t notice me watching him stack the pillows.
D: (finally looking up) “What?”
Me: “What do you mean what?”
D: “What are you looking at?”
Me: “I … am just trying to figure out what the fuck you are doing.”
D: “Watch and learn.”
This man … my husband proceeds to demonstrate the “ice cream cubby” that he has created with his pillows. He has crafted such a device that he doesn’t have to hold his ice cream while eating it. Where he can prop his head on one arm while the other shovels cookies and cream ice cream in his face.
I know.
Me: “Really?”
D: (laughing with a mouthful of ice cream) “I need to invent some shit. That bitch who made the snuggie is raking it in.”
Me: “What would you invent?”
D: “I dont know. Something fucking cooler than a snuggie.”
Me: “Like your ice cream contraption?”
D: “Don’t hate. When I am rich you wont bitch about spending that shit.”
Me: “Truth. Oh and tell me. Tell me that the reason why the lotion is on my fucking nightstand is not there for the reason I think it is there for.”
D: “Uh.”
Me: “YOU ARE JACKING OFF ON MY SIDE OF THE BED?”
D: “It is closer to the TV.”
Me: “This TV is HUGE. Really?”
D: “You have the advantage. You ALWAYS get the side closest to the TV!!”
Me: “You are joking.”
D: “No. I am just taking what is rightfully mine when you aren’t home.”
Me: “You have an entire Man Cave for this business.”
D: “No. I cant whack off where other men dwell. That is just wrong.”
Me: “Soooo… I am laying in it.”
D: “No!”
Me: “You have horrible aim.”
D: “No. My aim is spot on. I got you pregnant, didn’t I? Twice.”
Me: “Yeah because that is the same.”
D: “You know it is. Now sit on my face.”
Me: “You are so romantic.”
D: “The romanticist. VAGINA COME TO ME.”
Me: (rolling over) “Um… so yeah. Goodnight.”
So there you have it. Kinda boring, but … hey. We are an old married couple after all.
Feel free to word vomit whatever it is that you want to today. Maybe a rant? Maybe an open letter?
Have you seen any good movies lately? DVD or theater?
Are you stoked for fall TV? I know I am! What shows are on your lineup?
Tags: cookies and cream ice cream, eat, marriage, pillow, pillow talk
September 1st, 2009 at 22:39
[...] See original here: Pillow Talk – 1 [...]
September 2nd, 2009 at 01:41
Hahahaha, I like your man’s style… if he ever invents this ice cream bed assistant thingy, I will get one.
You guys remind me a lot of my wife and I… there are similar interesting discussions in our bed too…hehehehe
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 08:44
Well, I will let him know that he has one potential buyer.
And, there are more to come I am sure.
Organic Meatbag Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 08:48
Yes indeed, he is an enterprising gentleman, complete with catchy phrases such as “Vagina, come to me”…hehehe…
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 09:26
lmfao. exactly.
September 2nd, 2009 at 02:22
I think your convo excerpts are hysterical.
We saw Yes Man recently (I know, I am SO behind)
aznd I LOVED it.It was neither DVD or theater. rented it off the TV (lol)I find myself indifferent to TV.. and even wondering if we should cancel cable.. *shrug*
The only rant I’d have today would be to a dead guy (yay issues), and I have the feeling the whole Karma thing wouldn’t be too cool with that, so I am restraining while I work through some stuff.
Thanks for a place to come every morning.. and laugh, think, read, and hang out for a bit.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 08:45
You are MORE than welcome for that. It makes me feel good to provide a safe place to hang for a bit. Even in the interwebs.
September 2nd, 2009 at 02:51
Vagina come to me? LMAO
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 08:45
Right!?
September 2nd, 2009 at 03:57
YAY! I love being a fly on the way. I love reading LiLu’s and I always enjoy the excerpts in your other blogs, so its wonderful to have a series dedicated to just your conversations.
And your pillow talk is no where near boring!! love it! <3
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 08:50
Oh I am glad you don’t think that it is boring.
Lauren Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 08:56
No, cracks me up!
And WOW, must have been too early for me this morning, wrote “fly on the way” instead of “fly on the wall” Thanks for getting what I meant! :O)
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 09:28
I knew what you meant. HA HA HA
September 2nd, 2009 at 04:18
I love these. I really do. I like seeing the way you two fit together. I didn’t mean it like that.
I saw Inglourious Basterds and District 9 in the theatre. Both were really good. DVD-wise… I have been renting, but nothing good and I don’t watch the TV.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 08:50
I know how you meant it.
I reeeeeeeeeeally want to see Inglorious Basterds.
September 2nd, 2009 at 04:46
These are my favorites. Seriously.
Um movies – Inglorious Basters and District 9. I liked GI Joe, but I think I am in the minority there.
TV!!! Glee. So You Think You Can Dance. Bones. House (that’s back isn’t it? Irish keeps up with the TV schedule). Continued Top Chef Vegas and Hells Kitchen. FOOTBALL. How I Met Your Mother. Big Bang. Two and a Half Men. Rules of Engagement. Ummmmmm…. Dancing with the Stars. Ummm…. Whatever else we can fit on the DVR? I know there’s more. Mythbusters? haha. I give up.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 08:51
D liked GI Joe too. I told him what Cloever’s reaction was and he still wanted to see for himself.
YES! I LOVE ALL OF THOSE… well except the dancing ones. I kinda LOATHE them.
September 2nd, 2009 at 04:48
“No. I cant whack off where other men dwell. That is just wrong.”
Agreed. You don’t blow you load where other guys will be drinking and hanging out. Why do you think they have a “VIP” room at the strip club. Duh!
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 08:52
Apparently my lack of a penis totally makes me whackoffignorant.
Mybad. Dang.
September 2nd, 2009 at 04:57
that ice cream “machine” is brilliant. tell him he better patent that QUICK. not that i would steal his idea. i am not a stealer.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 08:53
Ooooh. I have you on RECORD. Its like an oath and shit.
September 2nd, 2009 at 06:04
Holy Crisps.
We DO share similar lives. Ask me about the time I come home from being out of town and find a comforter COVERED in rocky road ice cream because SOMEONE fell asleep with it in bed.
But that someone didn’t inform me that it was ice cream or that he spilled it, nor did he clean that shit up before he left for a month the day before I got back from being out of town.
This was me, “What the hell is this all over the goddamn comforter?”
*scared to sniff it*
And then I found the container shoved under the bed.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 08:55
Oh I have BEEN there.
Like when D woke up with ice cream sandwich all over his face, neck and pillow. Yep.
September 2nd, 2009 at 06:05
OHH wow. LOL. I could totally start my own little pillow talk as well. Too funny!!
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 09:13
You should!!!
September 2nd, 2009 at 06:23
You should totally contact the Squidbillies folks at Adult Swim about that ice cream eating contraption. Crystal (or is it Krystal) the uberobese Chalkie (that’s white people to squids) mama of Rusty Cuyler whose Dad is a squid voiced by no less than Unknown Hinson. If none of these things are familiar to you, check out their site at Adult Swim. Tons of clips. Anyhow, Krystal is forever sipping out of a giant free refills cup from a convenience store and has to have the local fire department bring in the big equipment to cart her for refills. That hands-free ice-cream-eating thing would totally work for her. If you can’t find the clip of the time she went to get have a “surgical intervention” to lose weight after winning big on the scratch-off tickets, it’s hilarious and I will find it for you.
Buzzardbilly Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 06:37
http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c3921a8130c6011a8347e8e60155 (there’s the first part)
http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c3921a8130c6011a83497153015a (part two–they’re really short, like a minute)
http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c3921a8130c6011a8356adf2016e (I love this one.)
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 09:16
I am almost positive that D knows what all of this blabber is about.
September 2nd, 2009 at 07:25
That’s really funny
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 09:16
September 2nd, 2009 at 09:48
i can’t even think right now…but i am laughing…and for that, i am grateful.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 09:51
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:03
*snort* It was an effort to keep the grahm cracker in while reading.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 12:27
HA HA HA.
September 2nd, 2009 at 17:11
I’m sure you’ll have more entertaining stories next week.. store them up.. ;o)
As for TV shows:
Glee
Lie To Me
Grey’s
Private Practice
and
HOUSE!!!
Oh, and Ghost Whisperer… ;o)
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 20:25
I am sure I will. I need to take notes so I don’t forget.
September 2nd, 2009 at 17:32
haha. there was face riding BS here for like two weeks and then Dan was like DO IT ALREADY and I rode his face fully clothed and laughed the entire time LMFAO. We are always either finishing eachothers sentences or my mouth or his mouth is spilling out the exact words that one or the other of us were just going to spout.
I built two cabinets today. I was, and still am, so proud of myself. It reminds me of the time that I was pregnant with Raelynn and Ray’s kid and GF were staying with us. They decided they didn’t want to help out with rent or the power bill after AGREEING so we’d move into a three bedroom. They were gone for three days or so and I went out and changed the locks and slipped the new key on Ray’s ring when he was sleeping. Nobody knew a thing till the little fuckers tried to get in and get their shit to move out and their key wouldn’t work. Good thing I did too cause I found about 6 of my GOOD bath towels and a ton of dishes and shit in their room that they would have taken WITH them. Anyshit. I loaded up those cupboards with a shit ton of food boxes cause there is jack for storage in the kitchen. Booooo! I think I’m going to get a couple square cube ones that fit on top too, so that I can use them for books and such
Ps. I’m a mean bitch. I intentionally like to be on HIS side of the bed so HE has to deal with the wet spot and/or towel. heh. He just deserves it sometimes. Especially when he’s being a fuckface.
LivingWicked Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 20:25
Look at you, all talented building shit and shit.
September 3rd, 2009 at 07:26
Hahahaha! That ice cream seat sounds *exactly* like something B would do! Where do they come up with these things? I don’t know, but it sure keeps me entertained. Love this
LivingWicked Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 09:53
September 4th, 2009 at 12:03
AWESOME!! I love love love your conversation blogs with D… they crack me the hell up! I am so glad you are going to do this more often. I am hoping for weekly!
LivingWicked Reply:
September 4th, 2009 at 13:45
I will try for weekly.