YGWM, Friday Eye Candy, and I LOVE Camping!

Sup Bitches?

sup_foo

In T minus 14 hours I will be off of work and heading out with a kick ass group of friends on a camping trip!

woo hoo

I love camping. LOVE it. I love s’mores, tent-sex, spoadies… and camp-fires.

I am stoked to get there. To set everything up, watch the kids play… and really enjoy my family and I’s first camping trip together.
With that said, I am quite positive that you will have the pleasure of a TMIT or 2 and some funny conversations due to the nature of this trip. :D

Now… without further adeau….

open-letter-stamp-copy

Dear Tyrese and Jeremy Piven,

I need to know if we are dating. As far as I am concerned, since I started following the both of you on Twitter, we are dating. Your lack of engagement in this relationship (i.e. RTing to my @’s and #’s) is quite disheartening. I am starting to wonder if maybe you think that you are too good to be my boyfriends.

Are you new? I have been crowned the Queen of Awesome.

queen-of-awesome

This means that you need to recognize and bow at my feet of awesomeness. Get it together if you know what is good for you.

Dear POE,

I can think of sooooooooooo many more interesting things to do with my life than being an over paid data entry specialist.

1) Pull my hair out, strand by strand
2) Reading the phonebook
3) Counting rice granules

Lets try this: pat your folks on the back once in awhile. OR maybe have a leeeeeeeeeeeeettle bit of an idea as to what you are doing? Maybe some organization? MAYBE something to work toward?

I am bored. Challenge a bitch. K?

…. How do I tell you that you are being a cunt ….?

…. Yes, I really DID stop and get coffee this morning, KNOWING that I would be late to this meeting …. and no I do NOT care.

…. STOP BEING AN IDIOT! ….

…. DIVORCE ALREADY! I am sick of the rationalizations and justifications of why your marriage “isnt that bad” … HE DOESNT COME HOME. HE FUCKS OTHER WOMEN. REGULARLY. YOU KNOW IT.

…. You are not as cute as you think you are ….

…. I know you lied ….

…. if you don’t stop peeking over my shoulder. I KNOW YOU ARE TRYING TO SEE WHAT I AM DOING …

…. Okay, if we fuck will you stop drooling already? ….

Annnnnnnnnd the Friday Eye Candy is…. Bradley Motherfucking Cooper. He was a complete asshole in Wedding Crashers, but his performance in He’s Just Not That Into You won me over. Annnnnnnnd I hear he was hilarious in The Hangover.

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Alright folks… you know the drill: Vent your week away so you can thoroughly enjoy your weekend.

Also, Do you like camping? Why or why not?
Share your funniest AND/OR most horrific camping experience!

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51 Responses to “YGWM, Friday Eye Candy, and I LOVE Camping!”

  1. Heather G Says:

    You just say it. “heather, you’re being that word you don’t like to use that I use alot and I don’t care that I use it but I won’t use it by calling you one directly because I love you enough to just say ‘you’re being one’ and you be all “one what” and I be all “that word you don’t like”

    See?

    Dear Wife of Guy I told if he was unhappy he needed to take it up with you not me because I AM happy in my marriage and don’t be dragging me in y’alls muck.

    Do not for one second think I am being sweet or we can be besties. I will talk to you, but I don’t shit rainbows or dream unicorns or live in whatever dream fluff world you live in. I am hard, in many ways. I don’t get starry eyed and mystical. I am real. I am raw, and as much as I think you would love for me to coddle you and be all, “let’s braid each other’s hair” I don’t do that. You have enough rescuers, what you need is somebody to make you get on that roller coaster you’re so worried about and so fucking afraid of and to show you that it may be scary and exhilirating and up and down and around… BUT YOU LIVE THROUGH IT. and now you’ve gone and goddamn friend requested me on FB and I couldn’t really say no because if I did and I was ‘friends’ with your hubby and you emailed me with the “since you are friends with my husband I was hoping you would let me in on your group.’

    1. there aint no group, and if you feel threatened, don’t. I am not interested in your penis. Furthermore, I told him to hire you penis on the side if he didn’t feel like dealing with you.

    2. I put his ass in check. You are welcome.

    3. Don’t tell me I’m being sweet when I respond to your saccharine email with “no problem, if my husband had a facebook, I would want to get to know his friends better as well.” FYI in wife speak that means: Girl I got your number and I know what you are playing at, and I aint got shit to hide. It doesn’t mean: I would love to be your best friend.

    4. Yall bring goddamn drama up in my house I am ripping both of you a new one, or I am going to start charging by the hour for all the goddamn free counseling advice I am giving you both.

    Dear dude on facebook who keeps making dick remarks to my friend,
    really? it gets old. Don’t be jealous because she ain’t fucking you.

    Dear former piss everywhere cat,
    I am glad we could come to an acceptable arrangement. I was | | that close to having you put to sleep.

    Dear Uterus,
    really?

    Dear daughter,
    Please Please Please do not play the dumb girl card to be cute. It’s not, and it’s beneath you and no daughter of mine is going to do it. Because you’re not dumb, at all. So stopitrightnow.

    LivingWicked Reply:

    Your’s and Jody’s open letters keep this trend going, I swear.

    Do you feel better? Cause even I exhaled after reading it.


  2. Heather G Says:

    Girl, all day I have been feeling like a marriage counselor to these two. I’m about to fly to Iraq and kick HIS ass for being a douche, and then I am flying to VA to kick HER ass for not having any balls, his in particular, in a velvet bag.

    Between skype and yahoo, good God. And then my daughter, really Lou? Is the orange really an orange? Child, don’t make me slap you to reboot your brain.

    Sorry it was so long.

    Least I didn’t use real names… :)

    LivingWicked Reply:

    HAHA. It would have taken away from the funny if you did.


  3. Carol Says:

    *exhale after HG’s letter*

    I have too much to bitch about…and not a bit of energy to do it. Imma gonna give it a go and hope it helps.

    Dear Cancer,

    Quit eating up my father. He is down 35 fucking pounds and spends 22 hours a day in bed. Hearing my mom lose it on the phone is more than I can take. I am helpless. She is helpless. We are all helpless. So, please, get your cancer-eating cells to call a truce. Let the second round of chemo NOT kill him. Please.Thank you.

    Dear IRS.

    You really should tell a single mom before you snag her entire last paycheck and then rape her bank account. You are one rude bitch.

    Dear Thyroid and Ovaries,

    Pick a different time to mess with me. Please. I’ve given you attention, doctors, new meds and have done every.fucking.thing a woman can do to address the issues. Right now, I need to function. Please let me do it.

    Dear You.

    You’ve hurt me for the last motherfucking time. I’m cussing like a sailor on a three day leave full of tequila. I’ve not had this much hurt and anger in years. Quick talking about how you are there for people when you clearly are not. I could never see anyone hurt this way and not atleast say, “hey, I don’t know what to say to you, but I am sorry you are hurting.”

    Heather G Reply:

    Sorry to hear about your Dad. Cancer is so hard on everyone.

    And if you can get your thyroid an ovaries to listen, have them talk to mine.

    LivingWicked Reply:

    I am really sorry about your dad, Carol.

    :(

    Carol Reply:

    Thanks. It actually helped to vent a bit, Court & HG.

    HG- I’m going back for my regular bloodwork next week. I have to do it anyway, especially before I lose my benefits at month end. My doc is cool enough with me after a decade-plus to carry the miscellaneous charges until I am re-employed. God Bless Dr. Wallace.

    Prayers, mojo, etc…for Daddy are much appreciated.

    LivingWicked Reply:

    I am praying for you. With all that goes with.


  4. Taylor Says:

    Dear creepy guy that hit on me,
    No, I’m not interested in your 40-year-old ass. It’s obvious I’m ending the conversation, please leave. now.

    Dear bitch that hit on DB,
    You stupid bitch, can’t you tell he’s in love? He would never fuck you behind my back so leave. him. alone. If you fucking tell him “I don’t care if you have a girlfriend” again, I swear to fucking god I’ll kill your stupid cunt ass.

    Dear Sister,
    I’m not getting you birth control until you stop letting him use. you.

    Dear Wicked Courtni,
    I love your Friday posts, I always feel so much better after venting about the assholes I’m forced to deal with. Thank you for that. Also, thanks for the eye candy. And have a great camping trip!!

    LivingWicked Reply:

    You are more than welcome. I am happy that people are able to get it out somewhere. Bottling it up never helps.

    bethany Reply:

    Oh no – SHE did NOT say, “I don’t care if you have a girlfriend”! Girl deserves a beat down… ass whoopin’ and then some.

    LivingWicked Reply:

    I am pretty sure she DID say. Dumb cunt.


  5. justjp Says:

    I am stoked that I am 1 of 2 people you could never hate. I will be mentioning that fact in my memoirs. Also, camping is fucking epic and I am sad cause I am not going camping. I will have to fix that problem.

    LivingWicked Reply:

    You should be, being as I have been crowned the Queen of Awesomeness.

    *wink wink*

    You know you will be there in spirit. I will have a drink of spoadie for you. :)


  6. Jaime | Fast Times Says:

    I haven’t been camping since I was a little girl. Back when my parents were still together, they would take my sisters and I (before my brother was born, so I was pretty wee) to Vermont every year for a camping trip. We would go to the same place: Bald Mountain. I loved it.

    Most horrific camping experience? I got diarrhea all in my jean shorts and had to bathe in the stream right next to our tents. So much for being a big girl and impressing my big sister.

    Most fun camping experience? Finding dozens of salamanders of all colors and sizes with said big sister and her carrying them all in her shirt. Also sleeping in a leaky tent with all five of us and being in the middle so I didn’t get wet.

    LivingWicked Reply:

    Smart girl. Let them other bitches soak up the water.


  7. April Says:

    I like the idea of camping but without all the nature.

    What? It makes me itchy and sneezy and I farking hate bugs. Also, indoor plumbing. I needs it.

    LivingWicked Reply:

    You wuss.

    April Reply:

    Yes.

    LivingWicked Reply:

    hahahahaha


  8. Bret Says:

    Dear world,

    This week you have thrown shit at me non-stop. Can it stop today? Finally some of it was shit I could help out with last night, but really, the rest of it has been completely out of control.

    Dear Officer,

    When your drunk ass runs me off the fucking road, don’t just out of your truck and threaten to beat my ass. Take your stupid ass home and sleep it off!

    Dear J,

    Yes, I’ll give you the $$ to pay your ticket, but how in the hell could you be stupid enough to run the stop sign in front of a COP?!?

    Dear C,

    Thank you. You inspire me to do things that I haven’t thought about in months. And yes, I know between us we have 6 kids, but it doesn’t matter to me.

    Dear Town Gossips,

    I’ve only been here for 3 months. Who the hell are you kidding? I’m not sleeping with half the town, hell, I’m not sleeping with anyone in the town. I may, but you won’t find out about it so shut the fuck up.

    I feel much better now. Thanks Court!

    Bret Reply:

    Oh, and for the camping thing? I love it. Worst experience however I was 7 years old and we were on the property my parents bought for camping (9 acres). Trying to tell my dad where in the stream we found the big fish, I stood up on a rock where I promptly lost my balance and fell into the fire. 3rd degree burns all over my left hand… end of camping trip!

    LivingWicked Reply:

    I <3 your open letters and I am glad you feel better now.

    and, DAMN. That is the worst experience I have ever heard of.

    Carol Reply:

    Oh, Bret…I’ve had 2nd and 3rd degrees on my entire chest, arms and most of my back. I feel for you. I can’t imagine my kiddos at that age suffering such hell.

    Bret Reply:

    Not exactly the most fun I have ever had. Fortunately, the scarring is finally almost totally gone 30 years later.

    As to the open letters Court, thanks. Life is actually good right now, and I’m happy as hell about it.


  9. Jody Says:

    I miss camping.. used to go all the time as a kid and even teen and into my early adult life.. never went when daughter was little due to her chronic illness.. and now.. I don’t know how well camping would go with the whole ‘limited exposure to direct sunlight’ for baby.*sigh* Hope you have a grand time. The worst camping disaster.. was more a personal one.. it was a beach campout, in california. i was 15. and got lobster sunburned.. couldn’t move. on the first day. ‘yay’. lol. As for weekly rants? (ready?)

    Dear old fashioned antiquated stuck in the mud principal unwilling to catch up to today’s world.
    FUCKING QUIT ALREADY!when you are more worried about the maintaining the status quo than doing right by individual children..
    you FAIL as a principle.blackmailing parents to accept your decrees is NOT smart.it may be a small town.you may be a ‘top dog’ in said small town.but THIS modern Mom and MANY more like her WILL go to bat against your dumb old ass and TAKE YOU DOWN.
    How DARE you withhold MANDANTORY testing for elementary children!!
    how DARE you talk down to parents that KNOW more than you about their kids’ issues. how DARE you refuse medical experts evaluation.
    you = epic FAIL.I WILL be joining the class action suit/petition/etc to get you FIRED. This bitch can research the hell outta some laws and statutes and turn that shit against you quicker n quick.
    Your time here is limited. be afraid. be very afraid.

    LivingWicked Reply:

    I would be afraid. I am just saying.

    Jody Reply:

    you would have no reason to be.
    cuz you = Queen of Awesomeness and wouldn’t do the dumb shit this dude is doing. The End. (wonder if i can nominate you for the position…)

    LivingWicked Reply:

    if the money is right…


  10. bethany Says:

    Dear Half-Sister:

    The letter to your son was intended to give him praise – something you fail to do. It was intended to tell him that this world cares about him. I sent it to you first, for your approval, so that you wouldn’t feel slighted or we could work together on one or two parts being edited for your approval, not to scrap the entire thing. All the bloody time, ALL I ever hear about is your daughter. I have a naturally close relationship with your son – I don’t understand it, either. Maybe it’s because I actually listen to the boy instead of tell him how he’s feeling. You are the parent that didn’t bother to find out what book the boy was “hiding” in his backpack for over a year. That could be excusable as you didn’t want to “pry”, but when said boy has had a history of hating to read and actually found a book and a story to capture his attention, don’t you think a LITTLE investigation would have been sufficient? Took me all of one day to find out. You? A year???

    And, as for who walked away, you’re all smiles and sunshine in front of our Mom. For years, you said, “I’d really like to be there for you… Anytime you need me, just call.” Always said so sweetly in front of our mother. WELL, dear sister, I called your MF ass last year. Last year at this time. Last year after one of the hardest weekends of my ENTIRE life, I called. I left a message. A week went by, I left another message – and the next time I hear from you is less than a week later, not calling to ask me how things are or what’s wrong, but to YELL at me for five solid minutes because, “how dare I not call you from a text message that you sent THREE hours before?” Excuse me, but WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? And then, I had to play peace maker for the entire day and see you at family dinner the next Sunday.

    We’re supposed to be putting all of this in the past, but since you felt so keen to rub MY nose in the fact that I stepped away from the family for a short time – not just you, but your husband did it, too – although, slier… and though, you admitted that you know favouritism has existed in this family for years and to your benefit, not mine, you still could NOT be the bigger person, even though you are the OLDER person? Once again, I get to be the person who cries herself to sleep and doesn’t get to address this with anyone – and I get to feel that hurt and that pain and hide the tears and the hurt. And, I get to do all of this after this happened yesterday and see you on Saturday for family dinner. And possibly tonight, as well, because I’m the one in the wrong all these years? BULL FUCKING SHIT.

    Be on your best behaviour, because so HELP me God – I will LIVE on the MF streets or go to jail if you start yo shit. Capice?

    All I wanted was to help your son… and be there for him, like no one was there for me in this family. I’m trying to make sure that he doesn’t go through what I went through, because honestly? You, your husband, and our mother ALL think the SUN SHINES out of your daughter’s ass. You know where that leaves your son? In the dark.

    Sincerely,

    Trying to move past it, but can’t…

    LivingWicked Reply:

    Woah.

    I fucking hate parents who favor one child over the other.


  11. Raeann Says:

    To my sinuses… STOP CLOGGING UP!!

    LivingWicked Reply:

    :(

    Hugs.


  12. STC Says:

    Dear Boss,

    I understand that the UC has a policy of not giving raises or promotions unless a job is reclassed or the person applies for a higher position.

    You have given your “pet” raises for the past two years out of your discretionary funds. She now makes 30K more than she did 1.5 years ago. Now you give me paperwork where you are reclassing her again and recommending she get an additional 10K a year. Your reasoning is that she’s doing so much more in the office.

    Why doesn’t she give up some of that? I know she’s still trying to do my job, and she hasn’t been in this position for nearly 4 years now. There are so many people in our department that deserve more money. We’re all doing more with less, and we’re now getting pay cuts on top of that. I think you need to recognize the other top performers in our department once in a while.

    Additionally, your e-mail telling me to keep her reclass confidential was, quite frankly, highly insulting. I deal with HR issues on a daily basis. One of the main criteria for my position is the ability to keep confidentiality. I pride myself on excelling at that. That e-mail implied that I am incapable of doing that. If you don’t think I’m capable of doing a basic function of my position, why have you not either 1) talked to me about it, or 2)taken those duties away from me? The fact that you continue to give me confidential materials to deal with leads me to believe that you don’t, in fact, have an issue with my capabilities, but that instead you’re keeping this a secret because you know your pet’s peers will riot if they find out what you’re doing. If you have to do something in secret, then you probably need to re-evaluate your actions.

    The quiet Business Officer

    LivingWicked Reply:

    Grrrrrrrrrrr.


  13. STC Says:

    Damn. I forgot one.

    Dear “HungIndianStallion”

    Your insistence that I want to suck and fuck your “8′ uncut cock” is really pissing me off. The ONE date we had was the most horrible experience of my life. Please understand that you pulling me until I fall face first going down the steps is NOT the way to get me to give up the pussy or the mouth.

    I happen to be very, very, very sick. This is a long-term disease. Asking me daily if I feel better only makes me feel worse. Do you ask a cancer patient daily if their cancer’s in remission? I don’t think so. It only serves to depress them more. So please refrain from doing so.

    Because I am sick, I don’t have the energy to do SHIT right now. So please stop asking me if I’ve found those pics for you. I don’t have the desire (see 1st paragraph) or the energy to do so. Your daily bugging about it is really pissing me off.

    I have tried really, really, REALLY hard to avoid ANY form of sexual conversation with you. So bragging on your cum is pretty revolting to me right now. You see my only response every time you mention it is “LOL” Seriously – I AM LOL’ing at you, cuz you just don’t get it.

    I haven’t ended our online “friendship” because you can be sweet to talk to occasionally, but if you don’t stop, I’m going to cut you off. Permanently.

    Consider yourself warned.

    Notcho girlfriend

    LivingWicked Reply:

    LMFAO @ Natcho Girlfriend.


  14. Just A Girl Says:

    Dear hater,

    Don’t hate because you’re not interested in my status messages. You’re the ass that begged me to accept your stupid friend request in the first place when I already told you fb is for family. And yeah, I might only be blood-related to a few people on there but when I said FAMILY, I meant it. So I’m sorry you’re a moron and that you deleted me (no I’m not) but take your too-good-for-you bullshit elsewhere cause you’re not.

    AKA SEE MY MOTHERFUCKIN BLOG.

    No Love,

    Me.

    Dear Beer,

    I missed you this week. Our separation is for the best, but that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna mouth-rape the shit out of you tonight. Mmm c’mere baby. Yeah, that’s right…you taste so good…I want you now…

    Oh. Ahem.

    Later for you. :D

    LivingWicked Reply:

    So what you are saying is, you are gonna give the beer bottle a BJ?

    Just A Girl Reply:

    Um basically.


  15. Cassi Says:

    Thank you and yummy. rawwr

    Oh and I did vent… check out my blog already, would ya? geeeeeeez! Just kidding, I know you do, I am just super weird today. Hugs

    LivingWicked Reply:

    I COMMENTED.

    Cassi Reply:

    And I love you for it. :)

    (you know I was teasing you, right?)


  16. Tarable Says:

    Dear Mr. “We are just fucking right?”,

    I know ever since you said the above words you have felt like an asshole. Especially when I didn’t turn into a psycho, because I also am seeing other people. So I get that you are trying to “make it up” to me and all. But really sex for 2 and a half hours is not always the funnest thing. Especially when I got 2 1/2 hours of sleep the night before. I get that your are trying to prove yourself worthy BUT JUST NUT ALREADY! Now I feel like I was worked out by a trainer(like my muscles are sore!), because I will not let you think that you are “wearing me out”. No no. You don’t know the type of soldier you are dealing with!

    K Thanks Bye!

    LivingWicked Reply:

    I. MOTHERFUCKING. SNORTED.

    Tarable Reply:

    WELL! Gosh my muscles are still sore and that was on Tuesday! I have been faithfully waiting since then to talk shit on your blog!

    debauchery Reply:

    omg, too fuckin funny – what a dipshit!!


  17. Justice Says:

    I like camping, I just don’t like BUGS. Particularly mosquitoes, or the mammoth mosquitoes that infest the area around Lake Wenatchee. We had yellow jackets so bad camping one year that we had to eat and cook in the tent.

    One year, we arrived and hadn’t reserved a spot and EVERY camping space was full. We ended up on the side of the road in this remote place with like 60mph winds having to set the tent up. It was horrible.

    The first year that I took Caleb camping was a NIGHTMARE because I’d stopped BFing and he had to have a bottle….he’d literally scream bloody murder in the middle of the night while Ray attempted to heat up water so we could get him a bottle.

    The year that Raelynn was born, he got soooo dirty that we had to give him a bath in a pot on the kitchen table. Same with Sis on her second camping trip.

    I went on a trip with friends once when I was little….the lantern was in the tent and got knocked over and burned the side of the tent. Same trip, the dad had a fishing hook go clear thorugh his finger.

    Another time…My brother Adam’s first camping trip, 17 years ago, and our FIRST company camping trip, we went up to this stocked lake up in Darrington. It poured down rain SO BAD, (the tents all leaked) that the owner of the lake let us sleep in the trucker barn that he maintained with about 30 beds and a kitchen and bathrooms. It had a pool table, so that was cool.

    Oh, and when I was pregnant with Caleb, we went, and my brother got attacked by those white faced hornets. My dad ran to get him and slammed his knee into a downed tree and kept on trucking and almost drown both of them in the lake to save my brother from the hornets. Thank GOD I had a first aid kit and some good drugs, cause he almost needed stitches. His knee is still messed up to this day.

    Then there was the year we took Donny. He got plastered and the cops came out and issued my dad a $250 ticket cause Donny was still carrying on at 2am. My dad made him pay it, but we had to move spots after that. No more being across from the camp hosts again.

    Okay, my letter(s)-
    Dear Bladder-fuckyouyoudirtycunt. I almost stabbed you with a knife today, ur lucky the nurse hurried and that the pharmacy had my meds ready or I’d still stab you for the pain I’m in.
    -The chick with sand in her bladder.

    Dear Craigslist-
    Thanks for getting it right this time.
    <3 the heavy donater.

    Dear girl in the office.
    Damn right he makes more than 3x the rental amount and my credit and income do.not.matter. Thanks for recognizing it.
    <3 the girl who's lived here without permission for almost five months now.

    Dear Cunt next door who works for the PD.
    Mind your fucking bizness. Maybe we were having sex. Maybe I LIKE IT THAT WAY. Ur just jealous because all you have is your DOG.
    PeaceOUT.


  18. Kylie Says:

    Dear Wine,

    I love you, you are very good to me and rarely give me a headache… keep up the good work.

    Love Me.

    Dear Youngest Sibling,
    Please at least try to get along with my Dad … He loves your Mum so much and she loves him and for the most part they make each other happy, that’s important… you are too fucking old to be throwing a tantrum because someone doesn’t agree with you, or tells you you’re wrong about something… google the fucking information to find out which of you is right and then move the fuck on …. seriously… I know how he can be, but you are not helping and I can’t help but feel that you are sometimes deliberately doing things to cause problems between them…

    You are going through some massive life changes.. I get that and I am here for you, we might not be blood but to me you are still my sibling and that means a lot… I love you all and would really like to stop having to listen to everyone bitch about each other and not listen to me when I offer my advice, if you don’t want to hear what I have to say then stop laying it all on me, I have problems of my own and nobody seems to even realise …

    Please work it out

    Your big sister…

    I am not a fan of camping .. think I got my fill as a girl guide.. plus I am a big scaredy cat when it comes to bugs and spiders and snakes and all the poisonous creatures my otherwise beautiful country is home to…

    YUM for Bradley Cooper, good choice… have lusted after him since the days of Alias…


  19. YGWM, Friday Eye Candy, and I LOVE Camping! Says:

    [...] here to see the original: YGWM, Friday Eye Candy, and I LOVE Camping! August 15th, 2009 at 10:08 [...]